The push and pull...

This tendency I have to just resist God isn’t just resisting him.  Resisting Him the way I am is a sin… it’s out and out disobedience.  Not doing what God wants us to do {disobedience} is a sin.  I can’t get around it any other way.

I know what God wants me to do.  I want to do it, and find ultimate healing in the process.  At the same time there is this part of me that is digging in and hunkering down.  There is this push and pull inside me between what I want to do and what I should do.  What I know is right, and what I willfully want to do.

What I am really doing is hardening my heart against God.

Good grief! 

I mean look at what God did to the Israelites!  Even though we are under the new covenant now, can I possibly think that God might let me get away with outright hardening of my heart against what He is wanting me to do?

It’s not like He’s wanting me to do anything that is some huge feat.  He wants me to take care of myself so that I can heal.

Simple.

Straight forward.

Self-Care.

If I don’t take care of myself, my mind and my emotions and my spirit are not going to be able to heal the way they need to.

Eating.  Yes, I am having problems with food.  It started with really being sick every time I tried to eat because I was so emotionally upset by some things that started flooding in.  I got to the point in the past month where really I have been eating one small meal a day, cause that’s all I have been able to force myself to do.  Now I am finding that I don’t want to eat.  I get hungry, but feel better when my stomach is empty than when I eat.  I mean I eat when I have to, but when I do, my stomach still feels sort of upset, and doesn’t take very kindly to it.

I did talk to my counselor about, so she knows.  Tricia said to me that for a while you can control the food, but soon it takes over and you find that it’s controlling you.  I know I have to be careful here with this.  I don’t want to get even more unhealthy and go backwards rather than forward.  But at the same time, I am still struggling with the letting go that I need to do.

My meds.  Yes, I am still struggling with this too.  I have been fiddling with my anti-depressant, exactly what I tell others not to do.  Yet I take it one day, and skip a day or two, then take it another day or so, and skip another day or so… and on it goes.  Again, not the way I should be taking care of myself, not the way I would want my friends to take care of themselves.

Those are the main two areas that I am struggling with.  I talked about both of them with Tricia yesterday.  She asked me, focusing in more on the medication at the moment, why I wasn’t taking it.  It took me a long time to answer her, but finally I came up with a couple of things.

The first was that it was something I could control.  Like I am saying to God, “Ok, you can have there and there, but I am going to control this here and this one over here.”  Then I perceive that I have some control somewhere in my life, when other things seem so out of control.  That perception of control makes the swirling of the storms that come around me from time to time, seem less scary and out of control.

The other was that I feel like I don’t really deserve to take the medications that will make me feel better, almost as a punishment for the things that happened in the past.  I don’t deserve to eat because I did such things, and allowed such things, and I am worthless, not worth saving, and helpless, and the only thing there is despair and on and on and on the lies go. 

See, I even know they are lies. 

I am leading the Bible Study, “Believing God” and I still am struggling with believing, actively believing God that I am who He says I am, that He can do what He says He can do, including heal me from my past and present, protect me in the future, forgive and redeem me.

But how much of my struggle is just simple rebellion, plain and simple hardening of my heart against the truth of God?

How much do I have to go through before I finally give in?

I have moments (like on Sunday) where I let down the walls.  Moments where I let God control.  Moments where I feel the freedom of that release and submission.

But they don’t last long, and I find myself wrapped back up in the same old thought patterns.

Even when I am trying to fill my mind with the truth, even when I am getting support and prayers and encouragement from others, going to counseling, working through a Bible study to keep me closer to Him, there is this stubborn core of me that feels like a little kid. 

You know that kid.

The one who closes her eyes, plugs her ears, and yells “La, la, la, I can’t hear you….”

That’s what I feel like is part of me inside.

I don’t know to reach out to that little girl and pull her hands away from her ears and hold her and hug her and let her know that God isn’t going to hurt her.  That He just wants to love her and lead her into her Promised Land. 

To get to my Promised Land, I need to stop looking back and look ahead to the future land that is coming to me.  Yes, it may seem to be filled with giants and scary and too big and too much.  However, God is with me.  He is walking with me.  I have to keep on stepping out in faith and purpose to follow Him no matter what.

I’m not sure that I’m willing.  Willing to let go.  Willing to face the surrender, the lack of control.

It means freedom. 

That freedom means open armed, open handed surrender and submission to God.  I need to throw open my arms and stop protecting my heart and putting up walls between me and my God.

Oh God, break this hard heart of mine.  Make me willing to be willing.  Change my heart, renew my mind.  Break through this hard shell I have built up and help me to move forward again, and not go backwards any more.  Because you know, even as I pray this that part of me is still trying to plan how to hang on to what I want to hang on to.  My will, my desires, my ideas are what need to get torn down, because they are becoming such idols in my life that I find myself only serving you half-heartedly.  Bits and pieces.  Here and there.  Once in a while, as I listen to you and decide to do what you want in that instance.  I don’t want to live like that any more.  I hate the push and pull in my heart.  I hate the tug of war that I am feeling between doing what you want and doing what I want.  I hate knowing what I should do, and the exhaustion of try to fight myself, fight through the junk to do it.  What is holding me back, God?  What is keeping me from progressing and healing as fast as I did last time, as Tricia noted?  What is stopping me from working as hard as I used to, to get healed?  Because You know I can’t keep on going this way much longer.  You know that I finally agreed to have Tricia hold me accountable to taking my medications.  You know that I finally agreed to eat two meals a day, even if they are small and that Cindy is going to hold me accountable to that.  You know that I want to take the right steps.  But you know that I don’t at the same time.  There is such opposition and fear, that I know isn’t from You.  God, You know what I need better than I do myself.  Help me to let go and let You and find the incredible paradox of freedom in submission to Your authority.

Letting go... surrender

How do I write out what's in my heart when I don't know what's there?

How do I try to express myself, when I feel numb?

How do I take care of myself the way I am supposed to?

I don't want to eat.

I'm afraid to sleep cause of the bad dreams.

My stomach flips and flops at the thought of food.

I struggle with having to take the meds I need.

I don't want to take them.

Obviously I am not doing well today.

I actually am better than yesterday.  Sunday evening I cried till I was nearly sick.  Then calmed down a bit and did some writing in my journal. Then cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday I got to work, sat in the sanctuary for a bit and tried to pray, and just sobbed some more.

Today.  No tears.  Nothing.  I feel flat.  Maybe that is a good thing.

I have to go see Tricia on Thursday afternoon for my appointment with her.  I just am, well scared to go I guess.  Because I don't want to face the junk that is there from that letter I wrote.

I keep on reading today things that talk about how only God can fill our empty places.  How we need to let go of control of things, because God has it all already.  How it's through the hardest times that the most worthwhile things come.

I know all that in my head.  My heart doesn't get it.  Maybe I do believe that God should punish me for all that I did wrong.  I think I do believe that I deserved what I got, and that I don't deserve any better.

I should get mad at the enemy for using something so awful like that to affect me for so long.  But in reality, all I have been able to do is get mad at myself and beat myself up more. 

A friend asked me, what am I running from?  Why am I trying to sabotage myself by not doing my part in caring for myself until my appointment?  She said that maybe that would be something to focus on until the appointment rather than what is coming.

The problem with that is, I think I am running from God because I know He is going to "make" me face what I don't want to.  (Not that He will force me to, but once I get into Tricia's office, I know I am going to go ahead with it, because that's who I am and how I'm wired)  I don't want to face the lies... because seeing the truth up next to them is so extremely painful.

How can the truth be so painful?
Or is that just a perspective thing?
Probably the lie is what is so painful, and the enemy is twisting it to make me think the truth is the painful one.... I don't know.

Why am I sabotaging myself?  I don't know for sure.  Maybe as a backhanded way of punishing myself for my part in the relationship?  Maybe I am listening to the lies too much - the lies that are shouting in my head that I'm not worth it, not worth anything.  That I'm just a piece of junk, and that I don't deserve my husband and my kids and don't deserve to be happy.

I know that those are lies, but I can't seem to get myself beyond them.  In Deuteronomy 7:6 (I'm going to personalize it and paraphrase it) It says that God chose me to be His.  To be his treasured possession.  I keep on bumping into that scripture everywhere I turn in the last week.

I read it, and it jars something in me.  It goes contrary to everything I'm feeling and thinking.  I know its the truth.  So I suppose it's bumping up against the lies that are perpetuating my feelings and thoughts.

When I'm where I am at right now (and I've been here before) I feel like all my strength is gone.  Which means the only way I am going to be able to move forward is if God takes the steps for me.  Because I sure can't right now.

No.  I am not saying I want to die.  I am not down that far yet (I don't think) but I sure would love to curl up somewhere and not have to deal with anything or anyone for a good long time.

Isolation

Insulation

Neither are very good for me right now.  But it's where I'm at.

Also, its hard right now because a good friend, who's been a good source of encouragement, and also someone I have been able to help and encourage too, needs a bit of space.  Oh how the enemy tries to use our weaknesses against us, and give things a stir!

This time, I think God may have given things a stir instead, before the enemy could.  I think it is protection.  That's what I had been praying for in our friendship.  Protection and God's will.  Now I am praying it is His protection and that our friendship will endure.

I don't know what the next few weeks are going to look like.  How do I respond?  How much, or when, can I call, or email her?  I know she needs her space to deal with some major stuff she is going through.  But I hate the unknown.  I want to know what it's going to look like in the next few weeks.  How uncomfortable are we going to be with one another?  How do I know when it's ok to call and see how she's doing and make sure she's safe?

I know God's got it.  I know that He love me.  He loves her.  So I know that He has it all under control.  I'm just trying to let go.

Let go.

Of another thing.

Right now, all I feel I can control is my eating, meds, my sleeping... and even that stuff I can't completely control.

Because God is asking me to let go of that stuff too.  To let go and let Him work.  I need to surrender to His will, His way, His timing.  When I try to rush things or slow things down, I know I make things worse.  It's a proven pattern if I look back at my history.

I know I will eventually cave in to what God wants.  I will do what He is asking me to, because everything is going to be pretty miserable if I don't.

So the struggle continues.  My will or His?  My way or His?  My "truth" or His?

Am I going to finally learn to let go and stop fighting Him?  How long does it have to take before I finally stop beating my head against brick walls?!

I guess it's one situation at a time.  I am going to need to try to figure out how the heck to let go and surrender.  Let go of this friendship, stop worrying about her and how she is doing and let God protect and care for her.  Surrender the friendship to God and pray for her rather than worry about her.  Praying is active.  Worry just eats me alive.  I am going to have to let go and surrender to let God heal me too.  I need to stop fighting the healing process.

I guess that is what I am doing right now.  I ask God to change me and show me and lead me and guide me to His next for me.  Then the feelings of being out of control wash over me as change comes, and I start digging in my heels.  I want to cling to what I know.... even if it's not good for me.

I have to let go.

Believe the truth.

Let go of the lies.

Trust my God.

Turn and face the pain.

The only way out of the pain is to face it.

Face it?  Yeah.  About that.  Don't want to.  It hurts bad enough as it is.  But God wants me to let go of the hurt.  He wants me to let Him take my fingers off it, bit by bit, let Him see it, wash it out and heal it.  The longer I hang onto it, the worse the scar will be in the end.

The pain is nearly unbearable as I lay myself out on the alter.  I know.  I have done it before.  God doesn't demand me to, He just asks in a gentle whisper if I trust Him enough to let go.

Let go and let Him.

Right now I see nothing but brick walls.  Walls that I had started to take down in trust, that I am throwing back up as quick as I can.  Walls that have been there for years, concealing fearful things I refused to look at.  Walls that God is wanting to take down a piece at a time to redeem the things behind them.  Walls covering wounds.  Walls that I keep beating my head against, getting nowhere at all.

Thursday - I have to let go of my control and let God take those walls down.  If I don't, I am not going to be able to breathe freely.

I'm scared.
I'm hurting.
I'm in such pain, it almost doesn't hurt to hurt myself more.

Does that make sense?

God, help me let go.  Help me see the hope on the other side of this mess.  Help me see You for who You really are.  Help me believe you.  Not just IN you, but believe you.  Believe that I am who you say I am and You are who you say you are, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I don't feel strong.  I feel weak and broken and out of control.  Help me somehow start to do something right for myself... to treat myself as Your treasure... even if I don't feel I am.  Help me to start taking care of myself so that I have the strength to face the things you want me to on Thursday afternoon.  Help me surrender.

Falling in love

I'm falling in love all over again.

Yes, I really am.  And I never thought it would quite be like this.

First God talked to me about surrendering and letting go.



He started pulling me out and away from people and things in my life that were a significant part of my "normal."

Then, God changed the "surrender" word to "submit," and it was like a light bulb going on.

"Oh.  All of me, he wants me to lay it all down on the alter.... and it's not an "it" at all, its ME He wants."

Yeah, I know.  Sometimes it takes me a while.

Some situations sprang up in my life at that point that forced me to submit because there was no way I was going to handle it all on my own strength.  The only way to get through was to submit my days to Him and rely on His strength, not my own.

There were some really dark days there.

Then God did something to me last week Friday, that has lasted all week.  He helped me really become a part of one of the stories in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 5. It was amazing the changes He did in my heart overnight through that simple account of a woman's healing.

I am only starting to grasp what happened when I reached out to touch the hem of His robe last week.

The story was instrumental in my coming to Christ originally.  I said that in my last post.  But what occurred to me just now, as I was writing this, is that it is also very instrumental in my falling in love all over again.

In the Breaking Free study, Beth Moore talks about how much she is in love with Jesus, and how He is the first and greatest joy in her life... and that she was jealous for all of us to have that type of love relationship with Him.  Then another study, that I just picked up again after a long while, last night no less... made the point about us falling in love with Jesus, because that is what is so contagious to others.  Our head over heels, abandoned love for Jesus.

Really, God?

It hit me this morning and I realized the next puzzle piece has fallen into place.  It fits.

Letting go of the things I esteem so highly, and let God take care of them.
Surrender each and every little piece God points out to me of my heart.
Submit my all to Him so that His plans for me become my plans and I just follow along.

As I thought about all this today, I still felt His call to submit and surrender.  I thought about falling in love again with Him.  I thought about how resistant I felt about that whole idea.  Because I thought it had to look a certain way or something.  I kept thinking, "Well, I can't be like so and so, she has all the time she needs to do whatever to fall in love with You. And I can't be like so and so, because I can't live at that pace, and that seems to be how she falls in love with You."

I kept comparing myself.

Finally I heard God's small voice say, "Stop."
I did.

I felt like He really pointed out to me another area I was resisting Him, another spot where I was telling Him to wait, to hold off, to not get too close to that "thing" there.

I told Him I wasn't going to do that.  That I was going to submit to Him right away.  I had already made that commitment nearly 2 weeks ago.  Yet, here I was telling Him wait again.  But this time, instead of beating myself up over it, it was just another light bulb coming on.

It was immediate surrender.

I don't know what this falling in love with God all over again thing looks like.  Not for me.  I see what it looks like in some lives I am exposed to, near and far.

I told God that I didn't know what to do.

Then He reminded me of what I did when I was first in love with my husband.  We would sit on the couch and I would snuggle up against him with my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.

That's what Jesus wants me to do, just settle in with Him and listen to His heartbeat, and let the rest flow from there.  He's got it anyway.  It's His plans.  My life is His.  He is mine.  I am bought, redeemed, loved, His bride.  He loves me so much, so much that it hurts.

I think I am falling in love.
All over again.
With the greatest love of my life.
Jesus.

The bonus is, the more in love with Jesus I am, the more it spills out and over into the ones I love.  I love Jesus more, then I will be able to love my husband and family and friends more.  The more I will look like Jesus and less like me.

Oh, my friends, God is so good.  He is so faithful.  I may have more dark days coming.  I may have more challenges ahead.  I have some coming up in the next few weeks.  But my sweet Jesus is so much bigger, better and stronger than all of that.  He is still speaking if you know how to listen.

Just get real quiet with Him.  Snuggle up to Him and listen for His heartbeat.  It doesn't take long, and it doesn't have to be for long.  Just long enough for you to realize that His heartbeat is for you.

He loves you.
Love Him back with all of your heart!
It's worth falling in love all over again!

so very precious...

I see something so very precious in front of me, slipping away so fast.

I try to grab it, to hold it together, but it shifts and changes and, what I once knew it as, is gone.

We've been so close, spent so much time together... birthdays, parties, weekly gatherings.

Homes were opened to each other.

Meals were shared.

Hearts were opened to each other.

Tears and laughter were shared.

Now it's a new stage, a new place.

One unfamiliar.

The shape has changed and morphed over the years as it's needed to, slowly growing or shrinking to accommodate its members. Now it's changing again, but suddenly, at least more than ever before.

Still family.

But different.

Hurts and tears still there.

Hugs and comfort still there too.

But its all changed and changing.

What it was, what we were, is slipping away

lost in the past,

but what we are is yet unknown, other than

we are family.

God's changing us and breaking us out of the mold we have been in. We are all tired and need to stretch and straighten and work out the kinks come from being in one place for too long. But we still need each other, just differently.

It comes as a shock, seeing what I feared becoming reality.

But somehow, I know God is in it. He is doing something for all of us, and in all of us.

So something very dear and precious to me is slipping away.

But I know that God replaces good with better, and better with best. Always improving it. Always moving us upward and inward to His "best" He has for us.

So do we hang onto what we know, to what is familiar, or do we let go of this thing that has become so precious to us, and instead, grab onto God and make HIM the most precious thing to us?

Submitting to Him. Surrendering my plans. Letting go of what I love.

Then I can love Him more.

Then I can find Him to be my very all in all.

Then He becomes so very precious

- that when I grab on -

He doesn't ever slip away and disappear.

Submit, resist, come near...

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7-8a

These verses jumped out at me today, and though I have tried to put them away, they seem to fit in with a theme I have been noticing lately.

I have talked about it here.

Surrender.
Letting go.

No matter what I do, God keeps telling me to surrender to Him. I keep asking, "What? What is it you want me to surrender." He just keeps saying "Surrender."

You think by now I would have gotten it. I have been flailing around trying to figure out what I haven't surrendered to him. What in the world have I left out? How could I still be holding back from God? What would I possibly still be holding back from God, and why? Because I know all the incredible things he has done to heal me. There is no reason to hold back.

Then this verse popped up several times today.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God."

I didn't get it really, still don't totally. Now that I have looked back at former verses and gotten the context, it has helped.

The previous verses talked about friendship with the world. Friendship with the world is hatred toward God. God has asked me to give up some things that aren't inherently "bad" but they have caused me to love the world more, idolize some things, and therefore, that makes me an enemy of God. Can that be possible? But the verses refer to how God is a jealous God - the Spirit He placed in us envies intensely.

Because of our (my) tendency to love the world and the things in it, then I must submit myself to God. It's a surrender..... but when I think of a surrender, I think of Him asking me to surrender something specific.

Submitting myself to God is different. It means that I am opening up myself to Him. Submitting. Trusting. Purposely placing myself under His Hand. Allowing Him to work, even when I know its probably going to hurt.

When I am finally ready to do that - you know what happens?

I'm sure you do.

Think about it. You're ready to submit to God's will. You're ready to let go..... and along comes the enemy, with every good and reasonable sounding excuse to wait. To hold on. To take the time to "figure it out" before you actually do what God is telling you to do.

What does the next sentence say?

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Resist him - even when you are tired. That is the hardest for me. I just told God this morning that I was tired. So many times I have cried out to God that I am too tired to fight anymore. That's it. That's all I've got, God.

But if I resist. If I allow God to strengthen me in resisting (which He will, especially when I am submitted to Him) the devil will flee from me. FLEE!!!

And when I am feeling so dry and alone and worn, I "come near to God and He will come near to [me]." What a blessing that when I have nothing, if I come near to Him, He doesn't pull away.... He draws closer.

I think of when I am with my kids on the couch. When they push away and won't come closer when I ask, it makes me further from them, and they feel further from me too. But when they submit to my arm around them, when they draw close and snuggle in, it is so natural for me to rub their back, comfort them, love on them.

Isn't that what God does for us too? When I come closer to Him, intentionally positioning myself in His presence, focusing on Him, I feel Him there with me. I can feel Him loving on me and wrapping His arms around me.

Then I am sitting in His lap. I am safe in my Daddy's arms.

Ok, God - here I am. I want it and yet I fight it at the same time, though I know You are trustworthy and true. I am placing myself under Your hands. Under those healing hands of Yours that have done nothing but love, heal and help me. I see my past. I see how You have been so faithful to showing me Your love in spite of it all. I see how You have been so loving and gentle with this fragile heart of mine. I see how You have tenderly taken me and showed me a bit at a time the truth of Your Word. You have shown me the lies and slowly rebuilt my mind to recognize and lean towards the truth, rather than the old worn tapes full of lies from the past.

God, my Daddy, I choose to trust You because I know, even when it is hard for me to believe, that You have my best at heart. Oh come close to me, as I come close to you, because this little girl inside needs some cuddle time in her Daddy's lap!

one of those days...

There are those days for me when I don't want to go back and see Tricia, my counselor.

Sometimes they are days when I am doing poorly, or frustrated, or really depressed and feeling like there is no hope, so why go at all.

Then there are the days where I am feeling better. I feel and see hope. I am able to focus. I am able to hear a bit from God again... at least a little.

In both of those cases, I feel like I am going to be wasting Tricia's time and my money. What's the point of going, because maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill?

Yesterday was one of those days that I was feeling better. It was quiet in the office because everyone is gone on vacation except for me, so there were no incoming calls. I was able to spend some good time with God before work started. But it was more than that.

Over the end of last week, I spent a good amount of time at Sandy's house. She is dog sitting but was out of town the first couple of days, so I was the temporary stand in. I went over to her house three or four times a day between Thursday afternoon and Saturday afternoon.

I was able to have some nice quiet time in Sandy's house, both Thursday night and Friday morning. When I came back on Friday night, I found I kept looking over at Henry's empty recliner.

I finally got up.
I couldn't refuse the inner prompting I was getting.

I walked over to his chair, sat down and curled up in it. Then the tears came. Oh I cried! I don't know for how long, but do know that I had limited time there, so I had to keep it relatively short.

The next morning when I went back to let the dog out, we came back inside and I did the same thing again, curled up in Henry's recliner and cried for a while.

All I can say from the experience was that I felt like it was the closest I was going to get right now to that hug from my Daddy that I need so badly. That hug from my Papa.

Maybe a little bit more healing took place then. I am not sure. But that may have affected how I felt yesterday. Better, and more able to work and concentrate.

I'm not sure what God is doing. I am struggling with surrendering some things to Him and of course everywhere I look, I see and read about surrendering to Him. Letting go. Abandoning our jars, like Joy said, rather than clinging to them ourselves, believing they are the most important thing, and that we can't live without them.

Sunday morning I got to church well before anyone else. I spent some time praying through the church, and praying for the service. Something in me caused me to get on my knees and I just lifted up my hands to God and asked Him to take all of me and use me that morning.

I can't say I "felt" any different, but I think it gave me a new outlook on the day.

That wasn't the specific surrender that God has been asking for. He is looking for me to give up some specific things, and I have been less than willing to listen, less than willing to try it His way. You see, I have these "default" coping mechanisms. Things that I automatically do or think, that I use when either I want to run from God or run from the emotions I am experiencing at the time.

It can be generally ok things like reading, playing on the computer, watching TV or a movie.... It can be some not so healthy things like over eating or impulsively running out to get something specific to eat if I don't have it in the house, or just plain impulsive shopping.

But they become bad things when they come between me and God. I know that. but I am running back over and over to the same old defaults and not to God with my emotions or pain or frustration.

Why am I so afraid to go to my Father? Isn't that what I have been saying all along? That I need my Daddy?

Maybe that is why, when it comes time to going to counseling, I don't want to go, or I have one of "those days" where I feel like I shouldn't go. Because maybe Tricia will be able to help me answer those questions. Maybe she will be able to help me get at the root of why I am running away rather than running to God.

Whatever the stronghold might be (if there is one) or the bondage that might be there, of course the enemy of my soul and yours doesn't want it broken apart. So he comes at me either subtly by giving me such a good day that I can try to talk myself out of going. Or he comes at me with such a horrible day that I just want to skip it because what's the point when there's no hope....

I'm going to counseling tomorrow.
I'm going.
I'm not sure I'm fully willing, but I'm going.

And if the Lord will make me even willing to be willing, maybe something will start to change. Maybe I won't have so many of "those days," and won't be so afraid of the hard work and change going to see Tricia will make me do.

Joy, boundaries, and brokenness

I have made a friend in the course of the past couple of months. She is a new believer and gone through some things in her life that have been very difficult. God is slowly changing her thought patterns, and freeing her from her past.

It has been amazing to see the growth in her in just the past couple of months. And that in nothing compared to the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.

To top it all off, she is a single mom of a 16yr old boy. Up to this point, this young man has seen that his mother is "light" and he was "dark" (as he put it in the words he knew).

Very perceptive.

He has had a friend that goes to our church... that he goes to school with. He slowly over the last 4 months or so, would occasionally ask his mom about God. He was willing to listen sometimes, and was glad for her, but it wasn't for him.

The friend that he goes to school with - well, they just became really good friends this year. My friends son, well, just thinks he is awesome, and finally found out that his friend went to our church.

This friend invited him to our youth group 3 weeks ago. He loved it! Then he came to church with his mom and his friend and friend's family. He stayed for the community group/sunday school time after church. He loved it!

He got his first bible from his friend. He started reading it right away!

Last week, he went to youth group again with his friend. Our associate pastor, who helps lead the youth group, spoke very strongly about the importance of making a decision for Christ, especially in the light of Haiti - and you never know when.

Pastor strongly urged the youth to not leave the building that night without knowing where they were going.

My friend's son grabbed Pastor Brad a bit later, and said he wanted to know more about this salvation thing. Pastor Brad grabbed his friend, and the two of them led this young man to the Lord.

Now my friend and her son are both "light." She has her son back, knowing he is Christ's now, and they are learning and growing together. He even came to church this past week, when his mom was working.

God is SO good. What an amazing change! We are still celebrating how God has worked in their lives.

Anyway....

God gave me and my new friend the chance to talk this week... I wasn't too busy at work, and the phone didn't ring too much while we were talking.

He has been helping her draw some boundaries in her life, because she hasn't really known how to do that before. Slowly God is maturing her, not only in relationship with Him, but also growing her emotionally out of where she was stuck for so long.

We have gotten to know each other pretty well in the past couple of months. Especially in the last 4 weeks or so, we have spent some good time together, and shared quite openly.

I had been aware her boundary issues, so it was in the back of my mind, as we grew to know each other... and I was aware of it because I too used to have boundary issues. I still do in some ways, and there are old tapes that play in my head, and I am having to learn new boundaries with my job now.

As we talked this week, she shared how over the past week she had really been struggling and didn't know why. But God finally revealed why to her. She said that she really needed to draw some boundaries for herself. She was realizing that she was starting to slide down a "slippery slope" as she called it. She needed to back off and start over in our friendship. More slowly, instead of jumping in so quickly to getting to know each other. There is much more there, but that is all I am free to share here.

I apologized for calling so much and kind of pushing myself on her - offering to go for coffee or a meal two weeks in a row besides seeing her at church and our small group.

It was a good conversation. I came away from it really feeling ok about it.

After my long weekend at the church, I left a bit early from work on Tuesday. I headed home and was able to spend some time with God. Our senior Pastor had talked about the benefits of self-examination this past Sunday. Without realizing it, that is exactly what I did that afternoon. I spent time before God and sought His guidance and light to shine on anything that I might have done wrong, so that I wouldn't do it again.

Finally, I slept for a bit. Had a rough night's sleep that night, and went to work the next day. Just over the course of the day, through our women's retreat meeting that afternoon, I just became so aware of what the enemy was trying to do, among the leaders, among the women attending, to keep them from coming, to hinder their time at the retreat.

At about 4pm, Wednesday I got the church to myself. Everyone had left early to eat and rest up for the night of youth, AWANA, etc. I wandered my way into the sanctuary.

There I kind of had a melt down. I am ashamed to say that God revealed pride in my heart towards my relationship with my friend. What arrogance! And what childishness too, in the way I was reacting within myself to our conversation from the day before.

I can "defend" myself by saying it seemed to tap into some old insecurities and rejections, and that was part of what I was reacting to. But God just took the time to reveal areas that I hadn't been honoring Him in.

I repented and spent significant time at the foot of the cross in there. Seeking forgiveness. Interceding for the women coming on the retreat. Interceding for my friend. Seeking wholeness and healing for myself. Asking God to fill the emptiness and help lift my depression, rather than me seeking relief in other people, other things, etc.

I spent a great deal of time in tears before God. Broken. Again. And how fitting considering that our retreat has that theme!

Yesterday really was a pretty good day, but the closer I got to the evening, and to small group where I would see my friend, I got more nervous.

It was silly really. I mean, we would see each other, but there would be others around, and it would be easier for us to step back from each other within that context.

As I got there, we talked around the table during our meal, and I was able to share how much I felt the retreat really was under attack, and that each of us involved or going were under attack too.

I found it hard to look at my friend when I was talking, at least when she was looking back - I don't know, I just was so unbalanced feeling. Not because of anything she did, not because of anything really that we had talked about.

The more I look back on it, it just really felt like my emotions and thoughts weren't clear. I feel now, looking back that it was all a haze last night. I hardly remember the beginning part of the evening... at least not the details.

I feel like I didn't handle anything well at all, and am afraid that I made my friend even more uncomfortable, and that I need to apologize to her. Anything that I did last night had nothing to do with her, or how she treated me, or that she had spoken with me. It had everything to do with me.

I hope and pray that it doesn't affect her coming to small group, coming to the retreat - anything.

I mean, I suppose that I should expect all this unsettledness, prior to the retreat. I got some good work done on the worship for the weekend yesterday morning. I feel more ready. I also get this coming Tuesday off so that I can spend more time in preparation.

As you can see - I still really need prayers.
I need balance in relationships.
I need clear guidance from God.
I need wisdom in speaking with my friend, to apologize to her.

I need that broken, contrite, and humble heart that God will not despise.

I need my thoughts and emotions to line up with God's truth, not the lies the enemy is throwing at me.

I also need to trust that my pouring out my heart here won't be misinterpreted... or hurtful to anyone else.

So, today is a mix of joy for my friend and her son, who gets to tell his story, and his testimony this Sunday in front of church, as a God at work... and a mix of sadness, depression, and brokenness.

So this post ends up being that mix as well. I am praying that even in the midst of the turmoil that I can find God's joy and God's peace.

And some heat in this house! (It is -6 outside right now, and our infloor heating can't keep up with the leaky windows we have here!!!!! Shiver... but I'm so grateful for the heat that we do have!!)

May you also find that joy and peace.

I'm afraid of the dark

It's dark.

I am standing at the edge, my toes curling over it, to keep myself steady.

There is nothing to hang on to.
Nothing to see, no glimmer of light.

It's noisy.

I never knew the darkness could be filled with such sound.

Yelling voices compete for my attention.
Tumultuous. Roaring confusion distracting me.

I am wavering.

I am on the brink.

He wants me to drop something and jump.

Drop what? There are so many things that I have in my arms, on my back.

What in the world am I supposed to do?

I can't see.
There is no glimmer of light.

Maybe if I let go of something dear to me, but not as dear as the others?
Would that satisfy?

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid.

The noise, like waves, crash over me again with the fear.
Underneath there is the hiss.
Like the breath the ocean breathes before the waves crash in again....

....in that breath....
I hear just a hint of music.

It's Him.
It's His voice.

I know it so well.

But the cacophony of sounds around me...
The waves pounding over me....
Exhaustion is taking its toll...

And I am still teetering on the edge.

His voice...
Calling...
Reminding me...

"I know the plans I have for you.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."

Dare I believe?

I know He wants me to jump.
Drop what I am holding and jump.

I can't see.
I don't have to see.

He knows what is ahead.
He is reaching out for my hands.

To grab His, I have to drop what I am holding onto so tightly.



I am still standing on that edge... paralyzed.

I'm afraid of the dark.

-------------------

The following words are ones with which I closed an email to a to a dear sweet friend. They made me think of the above post. These words were the prompting of what I wrote from the storm in my heart.

"I am afraid to jump, and not ask how high or where to. I can’t see, and I am scared of the dark.

God give me courage. Even though I can’t see in this dark, help my heart know what it is you want me to do."

-------------------

Oh God, to give me that courage. I need you. I need to hear your voice whispering to me. Please sing over me this night, that I might wake refreshed and ready for the new day, filled with your hope, even in the light of needing to let something go for this season. Satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love, that I may rejoice and be glad all my days. Please do that for all of us who are hurting, faced with tough decisions, or are going through storms or safe harbors, Lord.
Give us the courage to keep following you. We need to persevere so that when we have done your will, we will receive what you have promised. (Heb. 10:36) Help us to never give up, and never give in.
I love you, and I long to honor you, in all I do. You are my King, and you are my Lord, the Lord of my life... the One who breathes new life into my heart, turning it from broken glass into living flesh, healing it, and making it whole again.
Help me to remember what you showed me today... you are holding onto my hands just as hard as I am holding onto yours. You won't let go. You ask me to jump, and You won't let me fall. Thank you, Jesus.

She Speaks Interrupted... but He's speaking...

Ok, this has to be short, because I am so stinking tired...
(of course that could make this longer cause I will ramble... but I will try to restrain myself)

God has done some amazing things this week. He has used Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" in a powerful way in my life. Through it He has spoken to me that I really need to draw a line in the sand. Earlier this week was horrible. Then God used Wednesday as my draw a line in the sand day.

I chose to walk forward from that day, with the determination to honor God in all I do. Whether or not my life circumstances change (I am still a wife and mom of 2 small kids...) how I HANDLE them can be totally different. I only have gotten through the 3rd chapter, but it has already affected my life in a powerful way.

I have shared in the past months that I have felt that God has started to give me dreams back. I have been thrilled to see dreams coming back into my life. It has been amazing. I never thought I could dare to dream again.

Well, as much as I have said that, it's still very scary.

I have followed the Living Proof Ministries blog for quite a while. I saw that Beth Moore was going to be in Green Bay for a Living Proof Live event yesterday and today. I really wanted to go. But after She Speaks, I figured that it wouldn't happen.

I mean, 2 events in one month? I knew we couldn't afford it.

Wednesday morning I felt prompted to just express to God the desire of my heart.

I really and I mean REALLY wanted to go to see her. Live. In Green Bay.
So, I asked God that if He wanted me to be there, that He would make it happen, because I really wanted to go.

I never even asked my husband about it or told him. Until. Wednesday. Night.

Guess what he said?

Yup.

Go for it. If I could get a ticket, go.

I was blown away. As I lay in bed that night, nearly levitating in my excitement.... I prayed about it, praised God, and knew that I had to ask someone to go with me.

My dear friend Cindy was the first person I called in the morning. She knew Beth when she (Cindy) lived in Houston. Like, her kids grew up with Beth's kids... I knew Cindy would want to go. And as it was only one night away, I figured that she would be able to do it.

She just about died when I called her and asked if I could get her a free ticket, would she want to go. She said YES, and then just about cried, cause she had a meeting this morning at church. There was no way she could get out of it.

Talk about being bummed out!!!!

I called LPM and got (amazingly, after 24+ hours of the offer being up on their blog) one of the free tickets for Green Bay.

I called and got a hotel room.

I called another friend, and told her about it and as we talked, my brain finally kicked in and I asked her to come. She called and SHE got a free ticket too.

I packed and hardly slept Thursday night. Visited Cindy in the morning and shared some of the growth things that God was doing. Then Sandy met me and off we went.


I don't know if I can describe just how cool the weekend was. Those of you who were there in Green Bay, or there via the simulcast know how high energy the worship it, how anointed the message was, and just how God used all of those to work on your hearts and lives.

He did the very same with me.

Sandy and I were able to get there early enough that we were able to get on the main floor, very close to the stage, close enough to be able to see her without looking at the huge screens. Sandy had never heard Beth speak. Had never done one of her studies (neither have I, though we are doing Esther together this fall). And Sandy hadn't been to a big event like this in years and years.

Needless to say God spoke to me, using a dynamite woman, who had devoted her life to Him, to glorifying Him, and to speaking His truth to other women around the world.

The theme for the weekend....

"The heart of your desires"

She used Psalm 37.

Yes.... God giving us the desired of our hearts. After He told me to tell Him the desire of my heart to even get there.

The BIGGEST thing that He did this weekend...
the HUGE thing...

God revealed to me how much He had healed me, and imparted dreams to me... given me dreams to dare to dream. And how He had opened up my heart to start to have desires again. I had, for so long, hidden my desires, so that I wouldn't get them crushed, taken away, or have them denied.

God has opened my heart up so much this past year or two.
Just talking with Cindy on Friday before Sandy and I left helped show me even more the progress I have made.

But God also revealed to me that (and this is word for word what I wrote down right before the sessions started this morning)

I am afraid that the desires of my heart are not in God's will - that they are driven by the flesh.
I have been afraid to dream and have desires for things.

As Beth talked more, it crystallized even more.

I fear having dreams for something more, something bigger, beyond just today. I am afraid to commit myself, all of myself to them, because what if they fall through again? I mean, I had dreams before, and when they fell apart, I was crushed and so I shut down. As I have gotten closer to dreaming again, and desiring things, Godly things, I have gotten scared. I guess of being hurt.

So, I haven't committed myself fully to the dreams and desires that God has given me recently. I have held back some.

Beth got to a part of the talk this morning, right before a half hour break... which could be used as prayer or re-dedication, or whatever we needed.... to talk about our need to commit.

We are to delight in the Lord, and to make room for delight we have to commit.
-walk away from indecision
-am I in or am I out?
-we are to commit our way to the Lord

I went up and prayed with an encourager, and then went to a spot up near the very front, that they reserved as an alter area, where you could come and kneel and pray and do your business with God, without anyone bothering you if you wanted.

I fell to my knees.
Sobbing.
Knowing God was asking me to let go.
I was afraid to.

But I was more afraid of what would happen in me if I walked away from this event without letting go. Without doing my business with Him. Right there. Right then.

I finally was able to pray, out loud (though it was so noisy in there, especially as the worship team came back out, no one heard me) and surrender.

As I started to pray there, Travis Cottrell and the team started to sing the song "Mighty to Save." Yeah.
You know the part...
"Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save...."

When they were done with the verse and went to the above words from the chorus.... well, that's when I knew He could take all my fears. He could take all my dreams and desires and He would take them, mold them, and make them His, and enable me to do what He wanted me to do.

I will end this post with what I wrote in my journal as a record of my decision.

"I commit my fears of pursuing the dreams and desires You plant in my heart to You - You are not a God who gives fear, but power, love and a sound mind. I choose to follow You, Jesus. Wholeheartedly - waiting, learning, growing - daring to dream the dreams You give me."

I am not going to follow Him, and hold part of myself back from Him anymore.

God, help me to see the times when I am holding myself back from you. Times when fear has a stranglehold on me. Continue to free me and heal me. Continue to give me the desires of my heart, and what is under my desires... what my heart's desires are. I will delight in You, Lord, and commit my way to You. Thank You for showing me that You delight in me.... I love You, Lord. I give You my heart, have Your way in me. Amen

* One of my favorite quotes I think... Delight is "a venti joy with an extra shot!" *

crying out...

The most recent scripture verses I am memorizing for the scripture memory challenge.... well lets just say that I picked a challenging one to try to get memorized.

"For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear but you received the spirit of adoption by whom we cry out 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, so that we may also be glorified together. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
Romans 8:15-18

The verse that really prompted me to memorize this was vs. 18, the last sentence above.

How do I wrap my mind around the statement that Paul makes, that the sufferings that are part of our life right now really can't be compared with what is coming... the glory that will be revealed in us?

I can see that some now with some of the things I have gone through in the past. I am starting to see how God is using them for my good and His glory. I can see that God is using those things to show Himself powerful in my weaknesses.

It is the present things that I am having trouble with. The present circumstances I find myself against. That granite rock that I can't move or get through on my own. I was going to say the present things I am against don't cause suffering, but I think they do. A different kind than what I have gone through in ways.

Confusion, lack of clarity in what God wants me to do. Choices that seem mutually exclusive. I can't do one thing and still do the other. I can't submit in obedience in one area, in a God honoring way, and still do what I feel God is calling me to do... and it is so much more complicated than I am stating here. (maybe see this short post for more clarity)

I guess I have to pray through this chunk of scripture as I memorize it. I am going to pray that God will root it more deeply into my life and heart, so that it really becomes part of my belief system. That I can really say those words from the heart.

It is so easy to be pulled back into the bondage of fear. I have been set free from that. God has delivered me. I am adopted by Him and am His child. He is my Daddy God, my Father that is always with me no matter how I feel. He has lavished His love upon me and called me His child and that is what I am!

The part of that first verse that I experienced last night was the Spirit of adoption "by whom we cry out 'Abba, Father.'

I had the experience in our small group of crying out.

Ok, so I was literally crying :) But I mean more than that.

Someone very close to me seems to be disconnecting from God, and all those around them. They seem to be backing away from the church... (read that, the body of Christ, not the specific church they go to). Even me, with whom they used to be much more deeply connected and we could talk. Really talk, and not just about surface things... that type of connection has been limited.

My heart is aching. For them, for those around them who used to be closer and don't know why there is this distance. This dear person is in a very stressful job, and that can be having its effect. But the drift away from God has been happening for a while... much longer ago than when the stress of this job started.

Oh how I want to see them come back to that deep love of Christ that I thought used to be there. Maybe I was mistaken, but I don't think so.

Many things in the past few years have put stress on them and their relationship with God. I am sure there has been questioning there. There has been on my part too. But in my questioning, I have waited (sometimes not so patiently) for the answers. I don't know if they ever felt that they received answers.

Last night in small group, I shared my concerns about this person, and requesting prayer for them.

As we moved to prayer, I think we all felt and experienced the sweet fellowship of the Spirit, and connection with God. I started to pray for this person, literally crying, but also crying out to my Daddy God for healing for this person.

For restoration.

Of faith.
Of love.
Of hope.
Of a soft and willing heart.

For renewal and revival.

I know that it is going to be a rough ride for this person. I don't know what it will take for God to get them to come to the end of themselves. I acknowledged that to God. And then I paused. Could I ask it?

It was extremely hard for me to express it, but I did.

I begged God to do whatever it takes to bring them to their knees in front of Him. I essentially "gave God permission" if that makes sense to work in their life in a radical way. I loosed God on them, and bound the enemy from interfering.

My heart aches and cries out for them.
My heart quakes and trembles at what it might take.

What it might take to get them to experience the sweet freedom in Christ they are meant to know.

Oh to see this dear one be able to truly worship God, yearn for Him, yearn for His word, for fellowship with His body!

To see them come alive in God's presence!

Not to stand stiff with arms crossed and stony faced during worship. Distracted and putting time in during the sermon. Fleeing from the building as soon as the service is dismissed.

To see them realize the Spirit of adoption they have received, and fight with all their might the spirit that wants to hold them in bondage to fear... to keep them ineffective and unhappy and stuck.

This dear one was never demonstrative. A private person. But I know the difference of who they are now to where they were 8-9 years ago. No matter what they may say, they are changed.

I love them so much. Not more than God does. He wants them to come back to Him even more than I do.

Please pray with me.

Oh Daddy God, please, please draw them back to you. Bring your child home. Woo your child back to you, to your heart. Bring them the healing they need so desperately. That they don't even realize they need. Do what it takes. Anything and everything. As painful as it might be. Anything it takes, God to bring them to their knees in surrender to you, to acknowledge that all their knowledge and strength are not enough to do what only you can do. It could be a wild ride, Lord, but I am ready to take it if that's what is necessary. Use me if you need to... but please reach them and free them from the bondage and strongholds that blind them to you. Bring your light and life to them in a powerful, life changing way, as only you can. Amen.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 2

Welcome to our second chapter of "An Untroubled Heart" by Micca Campbell. If you want to join in the study, or read along, hop on over to Lelia's and have a visit.

As some of you might know, this past week/weekend has been interesting for me... to say the least. (See HERE and then HERE) And I have been dealing with fear too. It has been a challenging week. It has been one of trying to remember God's truth, and apply what I have learned in the last year or so.

Chapter 2: The Fear Factor

(any quotes from the book are in red)

Over the last year I have really learned that I need to be intentional about spending time with God, developing my relationship with Him.

My biggest obligation is to maintain my relationship with God. When I lean on Him, my anxieties give way to peace.

As I have been dealing with the anxieties of wondering what kind of job I should try looking for, and how we will take care of the kids, and how are we going to straighten out our finances, there have been several times where I have found myself leaning on Him. As I have, as I have pressed deeper into Him, I have been overwhelmed with His peace.

However, I don't think I am doing this enough.
(I know I'm not!)

The last day or two I have been putting a lot of questions to God, and not felt like I have heard many answers. I think I read in my P31 devotional today that if you have questioned, and haven't heard anything yet.... wait. Spend time in God's presence and He will answer you. Sit, pray and wait. Read God's word, study God's word, pray God's word.

I have been sitting, praying but in the waiting I have found myself succumbing to fear. I don't want anxiety and fear to rule my life.

Ole Smutty Face knows what we are capable of with Christ. To prevent us from walking on water, he poisons us with fear.

Over the past year or so, as I have pursued healing from past and present hurts, I have been beset with fears. Some so bad that just walking into the waiting area of my counselor's office was enough to send me into a panic attack. There were many times where we were in the middle of the session and Tricia would stop us where we were at. She would pray and bind the enemy, specifically. And surprise, surprise. Guess what? The fear would ease up enough for me to press on through.

As I have looked back at the things God has brought me through, I can see that trusting Him has helped me overcome those fears of facing them, and fears of the emotions they brought up.

Trusting God requires more than just saying the words.

Trusting God is really saying by our actions, that we rely on Him to take care of us.

Trusting God is about surrendering to God.

And surrendering to God causes me some fear and anxiety.

One of the hardest things to do is to give up control and trust someone other than ourselves. Again, we misunderstand the benefit of a surrendered life. It's not about giving up; it's about gaining the power and presence of God living His life through us.
(emphasis mine)

I have to learn that God loves and cares for me. I do know this. I do believe this. But it has to sink in more deeply. Each situation that I go through helps it become more of a part of me. Though the enemy tries to get me to fear and doubt God's love, though he tries to twist God's good and make it damaging to me, God already has the victory. As long as I cling to Him, and His truth, I know that I have the victory in the end as well.

With the recent things going on in my life, I have been having trouble remembering the truth.

The truth from my most recent scripture memory from Beth Moore's challenge.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is."
1 John 3:1-2


The truth from my previous scripture memory.
"Do not throw away your confidence. It will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:35-36; 39 (emphasis mine)

As a matter of fact, all of the scripture memory that I have done so far this year, all of it can be applied to the things I am facing today. Hmm. I think I am going to need to go through them all again tonight before bed.

Today was a hard day. I think everything compounded on me.

Last night I didn't sleep well. I went to bed at an OK time, however every time I closed my eyes I got dizzy, light headed and nauseous. It started me panicking. My anxiety started going up, because I wasn't in control of it. I got up and to distract myself I turned on the TV, because even though my eyes were making things look like they were jumping back and forth, at least I could look at the TV a little and listen to the stories, so that kept me distracted until I started feeling better. But the whole problem, it was after 1am before I was able to get to sleep. The I got woken twice in the night by my son, and my daughter got me up for the day by 7:30am.

I spent some time with God this morning, but it was so hard to concentrate, and every time I tried to pray, I was out of words. I felt like I couldn't worship, even with the worship music I had on to help me.

I also felt that, because of the lack of sleep last night, that my cold was starting to bother me more.

Add that to struggling with hearing from God about what to do about a job, and if I should take one or not, and I was a mess by 10am. Dave got up (he was sleeping in because he had to work 2nd shift) and I sent of a desperate email to my friend, Cindy, giving her a brief run down of what I was dealing with, and asking her to pray for me. I went into the bedroom to rest until Dave needed to get ready to go to work.

I laid down on the bed, buried my face in the pillows and burst into tears. The tears that had been threatening all morning. I cried and prayed a few bits of the Psalms back to God.

Then I cried myself to sleep.

I woke feeling a bit better.

God must have been singing over me in my sleep.

When the apprehenshions come, our faith falters. We stand guard against the Devil by remembering God's words are true: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).

As we submit to God and believer His truth instead of doubting it, the Devil will flee.

I have to keep clinging to the truth so that my faith doesn't falter.

I want to live in the freedom that Christ freed me for. When Micca said we've stepped out of the care of God.... the result has been fear, she is right.

I still feel shaken, tired and frankly, quite emotional. I feel weak and tired, and like my faith is very shaky. But I know this is an opportunity for God's strength to be shown in me again. (Do I have to keep having these opportunities God?)

I am fighting to resist the enemy even now, to give in to fear. Of course it is always the fear of the unknown. God knows everything past, present, and future. So nothing is unknown to Him. If I cling to Him, and put myself under His care, under covering, rather than trying to do things myself, or figure things out because He doesn't seem to be answering me... I have no reason to fear the unknown. Because it isn't unknown to Him. I am in Him, He is in me. He loves me and protects me and will never leave me nor forsake me, and has plans for me to give me a future and a hope.

My heart still aches with the desire to stay home with the kids and not work. My longing is to be free financially. The fears associated with where we are financially are pretty hard to look at, especially as I know I have to face the bills tonight.

Two quotes near the end of the chapter really hit me.

For you and me to live as carefree children in the care of God, we must return to living daily in His presence.

Faith in God's provision is our anchor that secures a life free from fear.

Maybe my practice of trying to start every day with God, and end it that way if I can is the start of living daily in His presence. All day. Constantly aware that He is there.

Maybe that is the start of really realizing that He provides. Everything. I can cast all my anxieties on Him because He cares for me. He provides for me. And He will. Always.

And maybe my rehearsing the truth, sharing it with you, will get it more deeply ingrained in me.

I need to sit still and listen. I need to wait on His answer now that I have asked Him questions, and stay deep in His word.

Working, surrender and prayer

There are so many things that I could say today. I have so many thoughts flying around in my head that I could probably (if I had the time) put up at least three different posts... don't worry, I will try to limit myself!

I know so many right now are starting to feel the pinch of things growing more expensive. I know many are worried about jobs and the future. I have been trying to keep from thinking about it at all... just trying to keep the house, the kids, and myself on a relatively even keel... at least the best I can.

On Thursday, my husband came to me and said that once I am done with my choir concert, he wants me to look for a job. I was in a bit of shock. We have pretty much been in agreement that we would wait for the kids to be in school full time before I started working outside the home.

But Dave came home with the news that the hospital he works for is putting a freeze on any overtime right now. He can't pick up overtime to fill in the gaps, and to get a bit of extra money to help pay down bills.

So he wants me to get a job, so that all my wages can go towards the debts outstanding, and try to bring them down, so that we will be in a better financial situation.

Now there is a bit of a problem with this. We are moving into the summer, when Peter and Marina will both be home with us all day, every day. Another problem is Dave works swing shift. He will sometimes work days, other times evenings, some weekends, some not.

So how could I get a steady part time job, that can adjust around his schedule, so that we don't have to rely on his family all the time to babysit, or put them in daycare (which would completely negate any earnings I could make)?

I have been trying to pray about it. God knows my heart's desire would to be able to stay home with the kids this summer and work something out in the fall, when Peter is in school 5 days a week. If I had to work, I would love to work somewhere that I am comfortable with... like the coffee shop, or a book store... something like that.

My fall back is always McDonalds.
Yes, I was a fry girl. :)

I have a lot of experience with the food chain. I have almost 11 years experience there... including being a manager at one point. But I don't necessarily want to go back there, though I think they would be the most flexible scheduling wise.

All these thoughts were running through my head on Thursday.

I was preparing the house for small group. Dave had gone with the kids out to the family farm. As I was getting things ready, I had Michael W. Smith's CD "A New Hallelujah" playing, well really blasting, throughout the house.

I was chewing all this over in my head. At the same time I was worshiping along with the CD. The song "Mighty to Save" came on, and I remember just dropping to my knees in the middle of the living room.

Weeping.
Praying.
Worshiping.

Surrender.

The offering up of myself to Him, because I can do nothing else.

As I was kneeling there, tears falling down onto my lap, my sobs drowned by the music, I felt God's presence in a deep way. His peace covered me.

His peace was so overwhelming.

I didn't stop crying. If anything I cried harder... but this time in worship more than anything else.

The ache, knowing that I helped put us in this financial position; the concern about what to do with the kids; the wondering if I would even be able to get a job; the wondering if I would have time to invest in my marriage if I start working; the wondering if there was another way around this; it's all still there.

God holds us all in His hands. He knows what we need. He knows my families needs.

• I am very tempted to lean on my own understanding.
• I am very tempted to worry about what to do.
• I am very tempted to try to run ahead of God
• I am very tempted to attempt to fix things on my own.

But I know that isn't what God wants.

He wants me to lean back into His peace and presence. He wants me to press into Him so hard that there is no way I could fall. He wants me keep surrendering it into His hands, no matter how many times a day I have to do that.

God is our very present help in times of trouble. He is always with me. He will never leave me or forsake me. For all I know, my prayers are already answered.

I just don't want to be out of His will.

I want it to be very obvious that God is working, that He is the one providing for us. Not me working, or our trying to decide what to do, but to seriously seek Him. Seek His will in it all, and not mull it over in our heads until we give ourselves ulcers (which is what Dave said he has been doing for the last month).

Oh God, you know my heart. You know my mind. You know my fears. You know my faith in you. You know that I really don't want to work. But you also know that I don't want to be in debt anymore.
Father I confess that materialism has become a god to me. The buying, impulsively of things I don't really need. The buying to make myself temporarily feel better. I am sorry, Lord. I know that is not in your will. I know you want me to come to you with everything.
Thank you for your forgiveness and for how much you love me. Thank you for the freedom you offer me. Oh Lord, help me to cling to you rather than to the "things" of this world that would keep me from you.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live from pay check to pay check anymore. I don't want to find myself wondering if we are going to make it, and I know that neither does Dave.
Please help us to cling to you. Help our faith to grow. Cause us to totally rely on you, for everything. Give me the strength to do what it takes to get out of debt. Help me to not jump ahead of You and try to "fix" things on my own, and in the end just make things worse.
Oh God, I am scared. But I choose to believe You. I choose to believe that you will heal us and guide us and help us. I choose to believe that You will do what is best for us. I choose to praise Your name and lift You up. I choose to glorify You no matter what happens.
Strengthen me for the work ahead of me. Please give me the physical, mental and emotional strength I need. Please help me to...
I am out of words now God, but You know the cries of my heart. I am weak. You are strong.
Oh Spirit, help me in my weakness. I do not know what I ought to pray for, You yourself intercede for me with groans that are too deep for words. I choose to believe that you will graciously give us all things, because you did not withhold your Son from us.
I love you Jesus.

Please pray along with me as I seek God's will in this. Pray that Dave and I will be like-minded and have God's peace about whatever it might be that I do.

Thank you all.

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 11; Praise the Lord...

On Sunday at church, though things were better, I was still reeling from my experiences on Friday.

There was nothing I could do.
I was still stumbling in darkness.

I went to church.
Alone.

The kids were sick, so they stayed home with Dave.

Our associate pastor, Brad, came up to me and asked me how I was doing. He is one of those people who, especially since he has seen me through some of these past few years, won’t take “I’m fine,” for an answer. So, I managed to express that it was really tough, and that I really felt like I was floundering… and had been hit big time with depression over the weekend.

He gave me a quick squeeze and a warm smile, and then moved on rapidly, as the service was about to start. As I sat in the service, I felt like I was sitting alone, apart and separated from those around me. Until the worship started. When the music started, I could feel my heart start to quicken.

The first couple of songs were just a good “warm up” for me, and started to let in a little light. Then Brad prayed, asking God to lighten the hearts of those of us who were feeling heavily burdened, and praising God that darkness was as light to Him.

My heart shook and trembled at that.

Then later in the service a new song was introduced. Over and over the words reminded me. Reminded me of who God is.

• my Shield
• my Strength
• my Portion
• my Deliverer
• my Shelter
• my Strong Tower
• my very present Help in time of need

Then my heart really started taking notice.

Later in the day I came back to the church for a prayer meeting. As we prayed for our leadership, for our church, and for anything else on our hearts;

God spoke.
In the quiet.

I wasn’t able to pray out loud then.
That came later.

But I had this impression that God really wanted me to surrender. Everything. Let Him have the burden I was carrying. And to confess. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew He was calling to me, and asking me to do it soon.

As soon as the prayer meeting was over, Pastor Brad leaned over and said that as he was walking from his home to church for the meeting, he was praying for me… and then was blown away when he saw me drive right by him. I thanked him for his prayers on my behalf, and asked God in my head, “What are You doing?”

People scattered from the room, and through the church to other meetings, or heading home for the rest of the day.

Instead of going outside and to a park to enjoy the beautiful weather before my choir practice, I hung around talking to a friend until the lobby had cleared, then slipped into the sanctuary before someone saw me.

I walked to the front, and sat down on the floor,

near the piano,
near the altar,
near the cross.

It was cool and quiet.
Peaceful.

I turned to Psalm 139, and read some of it. The parts of never being able to flee from Him, escape His presence… and that even if I wanted darkness to hide me, the darkness was as light to Him.

It took on a whole new meaning in the light of the pain I had been in over the weekend, on Friday… and maybe longer, as it just poured out of seemingly nowhere…

He never left me. Even when I was crying and raging. Even when I couldn’t feel Him. Even when I didn’t want to do anything but run. I couldn’t run from Him. I can’t.

Even though I was/am surrounded by darkness, He can see. He can see through it. Though my soul feels like it is floundering, He is holding me, seeing the rocks I am tripping on and trying to guide me, if only…

…if only.

If only I would look up at Him.
If I would lift Him up.

It took the praise earlier in the day, and the opportunity to pray later on, to soften my heart enough to hear His voice.

I spent time in confession.

One of the things: allowing my gaze to be wrenched off of Him, and onto my problems, my self, my pain. I needed to spend time seeking His forgiveness for not letting Him be my all in all.

I spent time in surrender.

I cried out to Him how much I hurt. I cried out about how things were so hard. How I just wanted to run away. But this time, I left it with Him. I was on my face sobbing. But I was surrendering.

Then I was sobbing, but praising Him. I spent time in the Word. I spent time reading again and again about who He is… and I praised Him for it. I sang back through the song we sang at church that morning.

As Jennifer said in our final chapter of our book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,”
“…lift up God. As He grows bigger in your thought closet, you grow smaller.”

“When He becomes the center of our attention, we no longer take that spot.”

I forced my gaze back onto Him on Sunday afternoon. I confessed, I surrendered, and I lifted Him up. I praised Him while I was in the sanctuary of my church.

And I left the building with peace.

I still am struggling with depression. I suppose I have written that so many times in different posts it comes as no surprise. But right now I am at peace with it. I am at peace with God. I have my eyes focused on Him, and I pray that I will be able to continue to do that.

When I start focusing on “my” depression, I become the center of my attention, and that is exactly what the enemy wants. He wants me to focus on me, my problems, my anxieties… never on God.

But when I focus my gaze on the author and perfecter of my faith, I am looking up, and lifting up my soul.

“The Bible tells us that God takes pleasure in our praise. But when we set aside worries about our habitats and lose ourselves in the life-shaping, darkness-chasing, happiness-enhancing experience of pure praise, the pleasure is all ours.”

Here is the song that our worship team introduced in our worship time on Sunday. It was a powerful reminder of who God is, and that He has delivered me and set my feet upon a rock, so I will not be moved.



As icing on the cake… to top off my day, my God overwhelmed me. He blessed me beyond measure. Last week, I auditioned for a solo in my choir. I have tried out for years. Never thought I would get one… even this time.

But God.

I will be singing a solo in my choir concert at the end of April. The icing part of it? The song is “Be Thou My Vision.” (yes, the hymn, but different melody)

But how appropriate… He is my vision. I will lift Him up!