Preparing...

For the next Three Weeks might we explore: The Practice of Preparing… What does it look like to prepare our hearts for God? How do we prepare our families and homes to encounter God afresh this holiday season? How do we intentionally, prayerfully prepare for holy-days? The whole community looks forward to your prayerful reflections stories, ideas….

From Ann Voskamp's post on Wednesday

That question caught me.  Arrested my attention.  Tugged at my heart.

Especially today. Today we received our packet from Compassion International about our child from Ecuador that we are newly sponsoring.  Not only has he been waiting for over 6 months for a sponsor and never had one before, we have never been sponsors before.  I have been waiting to BE a sponsor for over 6 months.

How do we prepare our family, our home to encounter God afresh this holiday season?  How do I?

Its something I struggle with, because with little kids, it becomes a "what can I get, what do I want, how much can I get..." type of season.

I don't want that.  More than ever, I don't want that.  I want them to be thankful for all they have.  Not yearning for the material things they don't.

I know someone else who is yearning for things they don't have.  Me. Dave. It seems to come so naturally for us.... why shouldn't the kids pick up on it too?  Its all over our culture, and I can lay blame at the feet of our consumerism culture.

But I am to blame too for they learn it in the home first.  They learn it from me when I buy whatever I want at the moment.  They learn it from me when they hear me talking about wanting something for the house we don't have.  They learn it from me when I tell them "no" when they ask for something, but when I want something (not need) I say "yes" to myself.

What kind of mixed message is that?

How do I prepare them to encounter Christ?  Not just this season, but always.

By taking advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.

Last week, talking to Peter during the service when he opted to stay with me rather than go to childrens church.  Answering his questions.  Helping him understand what Communion means, allowing him to take it with me, to break the bread with me then and talk about it after.  Hearing the desire to do it again hidden in his voice as we talked.

This past week and a half as we have prayed for this one boy in Ecuador who needs someone so badly to love him and sponsor him, to pray for him.  Explaining what it means for him to live where he does, how he does, to the best of my ability.  Sharing pictures taken by the team of bloggers who were in Ecuador last week.

Teaching them somehow to let go of the tight grasp they have on their "things" to give away the good stuff, not just the old, ratty toys and stuffed animals they have, but the new.  The things they might want, but not need.  If they don't want it cause it's old, or dirty, or broken why would someone else want it?

I want Peter and Marina to learn what it means to be blessed with more grace and joy by God out of giving rather than receiving.

I want them to understand how blessed we are by God to have all the things that we scatter willy-nilly through the rooms of this house.  I want them to know the POWER behind giving thanks in everything.  The good and the bad.

These kids of ours.  They aren't extraordinarily selfish or out of balance. They are like any other kid their age.  But I want them to have hearts of compassion.  They are tender-hearted and I want them to be tender out of compassion for others to the point of wanting to DO something to help them.

They can learn more about God and encounter more of Jesus in the naming of the gifts we have been given. 

I am not really sure how to help them encounter Jesus this season.  But maybe showing them my heart in giving with help.  Allowing them to see my tears as I pray for this brother of theirs in Ecuador.  I hope that this year they can see Jesus more clearly. Not just from how this time of year seems to promote a "magical" quality in everything... but by really seeing Jesus, and what this season is for.

I struggle with it every year, but for some reason this year seems particularly hard for me.  We want to do so much for them, but really there is no way to "compete" with other things we know are going to be given.  And I don't want to compete. 

I would rather they didn't get anything at all, but instead gave things away.

I never learned that as a child.
Not how to let go easily.

I don't want them stuck in the mindset of getting and having to learn as an adult how to give.

Not that I don't want to gift them with presents and things, because I do.  I love seeing their faces when they open up something they really want.  I want to see them savor the moment. 

But.

I want to see their faces when they see someone else open up something they really wanted, that Peter and Marina have given.  I want to see Peter and Marina savor the moment of giving.... and find really, true joy in that moment.  A joy that they will keep giving to receive more of.

Oh the joy that comes in the thanking God for everything.  The good, bad and ugly.

The bigger house.  The large yard.  Family close by.  The sun streaming in the livingroom window.

The mess of toys and art supplies on the floor that I keep tripping on cause the kids didn't put them away.  The mounds of laundry to be done - because we actually have clothes that need cleaning.  The spiders that make the cobwebs that drape our corners and ceilings no matter how often I sweep them and wipe them away - because we have an abundance of wood in our basement to put in our wood furnace to heat the house through the winter.  The dirty kitchen floor and counters - because we have a family to feed and food to do it with.

Fingerprinted windows to clean --- kids to print those windows up in their pointing and waving and pressing up to see out at birds and snowflakes.
Litterbox to change --- cats to curl up on our feet and laps when we settle down together.
Light bulbs to switch out --- we have electricity and the ability to light our house at night.
Carpet to vacuum --- people who are able to run in and out of the house to play or work and track in their day with them.
Beds to make --- loved ones to fill those beds, and somewhere warm and cozy to lie at night.

As I make my lists, the load of things to "do" becomes lighter and I can do it with a smile, because it is a joy to do these things because I have someone to do them for.

More and more blessings and gifts from God.
All becomes grace.
All is grace.

Oh that my kids will learn that. That is how they will be more prepared to encounter God this season. Naming the gifts. Thanking God for everything. 

Lord, teach me how to teach them out of what you have been teaching me!!!  Fill up the holes that I will leave, have left, the gaps, and reveal yourself to them.  Help them find the balance of enjoying what they have been given, and giving away to others. Help them learn their wants from their needs, and understand that it isn't wrong to have desires, or have those desires met, but not to worship anything or desire anything more than they worship You and desire You.

Show me the balance.  Fill up my holes.  Help me worship and bow down to You first and always and only.

God, sanctifly me through and through until I reflect only You.

Jesus, let this boy from Ecuador entering our lives right now, at this season help change us all and open our eyes to see all we have been blessed with, gifted with out of Your lavish grace, and help us lavish it on him, and others that cross our paths.

Prepare our hearts to see and receive You this season... and to respond back to you with joy and thanks.

Gifts given

Yes, I know....

Yet again I want to apologize for being away from my blog for so long.  I have seen and heard and read time and again that it is bad for your blog when you aren't regular with your posting.

I agree.

Yet.

I haven't been here.

I have wanted to write.  I have a desire to write.  I get thoughts and ideas come into my head.  They sound wonderful at the moment, but when it comes down to taking the time out to actually write?  It doesn't happen.

Life has been good.  It's been full.  Living in a bigger house, getting our other one ready to sell and listed, keeping up with the kids in school, trying to stay connected to Dave and them, well it hasn't left much time for other things.  By the time the kids are in bed for the night, Dave and I get ready for bed and collapse to read or talk or both for a little bit on our bed, and our lights are generally out pretty early.

That's big for me.  I used to be the one who would stay up until at least midnight.  That was when I was doing all my writing.  I needed that time alone.

But now, well yes, I do need time alone.  But I am spending a lot of it with God.  And when I'm not alone, I am spending it with my family.  I can't concentrate enough to write with them around.

As much as it bothers me not to be on here more, I feel like God is telling me its ok.  There was a time when I needed to write to process through things.  Now I am more healed than I've ever been, I am spending a majority of my time with my family and not getting too overwhelmed by them or by life in general. This is where I need to be right now.  I am learning to be ok with that.

I have some things stirring around in this head of mine.  Maybe they will eventually make it out onto the blog.  God is still at work in me, refining as always.  It good, hard at times, but good.

The main reason I am on here today though is to share my thanks.

I am learning the joy of gratitude.

I have been reading Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts."  Her encouragement to start counting the little things, from the sun streaming through the window, splashing on the carpet, to a quiet day at the church, to tickle fights with the kids, to quiet reading in bed with Dave has started a good work in me...

Honestly, it is transforming me.

Her book is amazing, but beyond that the TRUTH that I am hearing from God and what it is doing to me is nearly beyond description.  For now, just take a moment and look at the book.  Go to THIS SITE and take a look at the first chapter for free.  I did, and then just had to buy the book.  I am slowly working my way through it, but after reading the second chapter, I knew God was calling me to start my own list of gifts - working my way to one thousand and beyond.

Here is my contribution to the naming of gifts today.  Note, I am not starting at #1 because well, I am currently over 200 and that would make this into a loooooonngggg post!  :-)

I will spare you all of that....

But I will start where I was at on Saturday and give you my named gifts from then to now.  These weren't all the gifts, but many of them passed before I could record them.  I have to get more practiced at this!

#261.  The chance to sleep in a bit.
#262.  Making soft boiled eggs upon request from my son
#263.  Peter playing on the computer
#264.  He can play kids game on there BY HIMSELF now!
#265.  Sun in Marina's hair
#266.  Kids singing along to music
#267.  Conviction from God to sponsor a Compassion child
#268.  Pastor Casey (our new pastor of Children and Youth ministries) coming today.
#269.  Sun up before the kids has to go out to for the bus (because of daylight savings ending)
#270.  Apple butter on toast (need I say more?)
#271.  Marina learning and singing worship songs in church
#272.  Hearing her singing those same songs at home later.
#273.  Teaching Peter how to play checkers
#274.  Quiet, peaceful, God-filled day at church while I work

God is so good.  Take the time to notice the gifts He gives you.  Just your very next breath is a gift.  Name it.  Name every gift.  It brings a joy and a reminder of the deep grace we are given.


Check out Ann's most recent post as she prepares to go with her husband on a trip to Ecuador with Compassion International.

Blessing is a cycle...

Blessing is a cycle.

When we bless someone else, we get a blessing in return.

So, what about with God?

Many times in the Bible we are called to bless the Lord.  In Psalm 134 the word “bless” is used three times.  Twice the Psalm entreats us to “bless the Lord.”

However the last time it is used, it is a blessing spoken on us… “May the Lord bless you…”

Yesterday I finished up the Bible study I was working on through the summer.  “Stepping Up,” by Beth Moore.

The last couple of days she made the point that blessing is a cycle with God, not just with one another.  It is a lopsided cycle, but a cycle nonetheless. 

In faith we come into God’s presence, blessing Him, honoring Him, praising Him, worshiping Him.  Then He responds, longing to bless us, opening His hands to us to give blessing.  And we walk away.

How many times have I gone into worship, struggling to remove the distractions so that I could truly bless God, truly praise Him, and then walked out and later felt empty?  I felt blessed at the time of the service, in the service filled and at peace, joy in my heart.  Once I left the building, headed home and back to my “life” I felt empty and restless, with the worries of life pressing in again.

I can spend my time in the Bible, studying and praying in the morning, but it doesn’t seem to carry over into my day, to relate at all to anything I am actually doing and encountering in the day. 

Not all the time, but it seems to happen more often than I want to admit.

Beth said that many times we come out of our times of blessing God and leave His blessings for us behind.

Think about that for a moment. 

If blessing really is a cycle, we bless God, He blesses us and back again, why would we not want to take His blessings with us?

We praise God and bless Him, honor Him and lift up His name, and then He pours out His blessing upon us. 

It is hard for this little brain of mine to comprehend how it all works.  I offer up my pitiful attempts to bless God, and then His infinite mercy and grace are flooded over me.   How can I possibly walk away from a time like that and not be blessed?

And yet…

Many times I blindly stumble out of my times with God, leaving behind His mercy and grace, all flooded over and dripping on the floor.  I come out forgetting I was drenched, feeling dry as a bone.

Yesterday, after reading Beth’s words the night before was a whole new day.  Monday I was those dry bones.  Yesterday, these dry bones were dancing, washed and covered over by the flood of His grace.  His blessings washed away the doubts, fears and stress of the day before and I was free.

All I had to do was ask.  All I had to do was ask God to help me walk out of my time with Him with His blessings in my hands.  I opened my hands and gave Him all my garbage, all my worries, all my stress.  Instead of dropping my hands and walking away when I was done, I kept them open to receive what He had for me.  In the process my heart stayed open to receive the life giving rain of grace, and my eyes stayed open to see the peace and joy God gave me as a result.

It started another cycle of blessing.  Praising Him for seeing and feeling the change, for being able to walk on with His blessing over me, in me.  And my Jesus blessing me again and again throughout the day, reminding me of His blessings for me… 

Oh His grace…

in the moments I fail

and

the moments I am freed…

in the moments of victim

and then

the victory… 

I stumble

and then

I cry…

He lifts me up

and then

I fly…

 His blessings are

beyond compare

To bless Him

and be blessed

unaware…

Oh His grace

His grace…

All is grace…

At peace

I'm more at peace now than I ever thought I could be today.  I'm still fighting some jaw pain, though it is much better than it was a couple of days ago.  I am also fighting off a cold.  I crashed cause I was having trouble sleeping earlier this week, and myl body didn't have enough rest to fight off whatever this "thing" is.

I had a counseling appointment yesterday.  I was able to share with Tricia how I finally have closure on a relationship.  How God moved in me through the past couple of weeks to get me to the point of letting go.  I also told her how He kept hitting me over the head with the need to obey Him and trust Him. 

Obedience and trust.  It's like the chicken and the egg question.  Which comes first?  Do you obey God, and do the things He asks you to, and then based on how He brings you through, that builds your trust?  Or is it rather that you trust God, from experiencing His faithfulness in the past, and therefore step out in obedience to what He says?

I have a feeling it's more a mixture of the two, rather than one or the other.

After stepping out in obedience to some things God specifically asked me to do, I know and feel deeper down that I can trust Him and that He has my best at heart.

The problem that I encountered with Tricia yesterday, which I sort of knew was there, but not as big as it was, was getting some of that truth from my mind to my emotions.  From my head knowledge, to a really deep know and believe heart knowledge.

The one relationship I was working through has been laid to rest I believe.  But there is some "residue" left over from that one, that tied directly into another former relationship.  A relationship in which I trusted the person, but was greatly hurt, and out of that hurt and desperation to "keep" the relationship, did some things I am not very proud of.  (and that's an understatement)

Over all it could be argued that I was a young Christian, and though I knew what I was doing, I didn't know any better.  That the other person involved was a Christian longer (not a more mature Christian - I won't give them that) and should have known better than to manipulate me, use me the way they did.

But I did know that those things I was doing were very wrong and they made me sick to my stomach, and still do if I think about them.

For a long time I have buried my guilt and shame and anger at myself.  I was at the point of burying the relationship enough, figuring to have put it to rest well enough with my last sessions with Tricia, that I would never have to revisit it again.

It is interesting how God used one thing (Henry's death) to bring me into counseling, and now that I am there, He has brought up things I have needed help with, or healing from.  It shows me another way He is intimately involved in my life and in my heart.  It shows me His desire to heal me and bring me to a new level in my relationship with Him and with others.

Well, as I talked with Tricia, yesterday, she brought out my care plan, and discussed my progress with me.  It showed that I have made forward progress, which is good, and which in reality I knew.  I have been in such a better place, even when I have been deeply depressed, that things have progressed much more quickly for me this time.  As Tricia said one time, this time has been just a "tune up" for me.

In the care plan, she rated my depression as having moved from moderate to mild (I agree there for the most part, though I am still going to have swings up and down).  She also rated my poor sense of self worth at a mild.  When she said that one, I just looked at her, and she glanced up from reading and questioned my look.  That's what brought up this relationship, and the things I had done.

After we talked a bit about the relationship, Tricia asked if I had a mental picture in my head.  I did.  She asked then if I wanted to do EMDR around the situation.  I said we could, but I wasn't sure even how to go about this, because I felt stupid for even still having trouble with this, with accepting Christ's forgiveness in this specific area, and for forgiving myself.

Tricia said that we could just walk through the negative cognitions (the lies) and positive cognitions that I want to replace them with (the truth) and talk through the process a bit, and if we had time, start the actual EMDR therapy.  We did all that, and did have time to start the therapy.

When we started, I could see in my mind's eye the mental picture, and she had me think about the negatives and see where it took us.  It was hard for me to settle into, because it's been so long.  I was having a hard time concentrating, especially at first.  It was like I couldn't "pin it down."  But I had such a strong sense of disgust that when she stopped the little machine, I said that I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

She asked me if I wanted to go back there again.  I said, "no but yes, I will."  She turned back on the machine and again it was hard to concentrate, but near the end of that chunk of time, I was not only feeling like I was going to be sick, but emotionally I hurt, I was scared, and I was starting to be able to pin down the image in my head, rather than having it flit all over, and I was able to think about how it made me feel, and the lies it fed.  

I remember hearing Tricia say softly that I was still in her office, still safe, but to let the emotions come.  Oh, that was hard.  I couldn't, not all the way.  I might have cried a little bit, but more than anything I was feeling pure revulsion when she asked me to take a deep breath.  I could barely manage the breath.  She asked me to do it again and then turned off the machine.  I sat up and as I looked around her office, reorienting myself, I realized I was shaking - inside and out.

Tricia asked what I had experience there.  Part of it was that revulsion and loathing, but that it hurt and that I was coming up against this wall, this black wall and it scared me.  She said she wanted to keep on going, but she had another appointment following me and couldn't give me more time then.  She said too that she didn't want to leave me in an "unsafe" place or emotional state.  So, she asked me to think about the place where I feel safe.  My "safe place" right now is somewhere I run when I need to get out of my office, when I need a quiet place to spend with God, when I need comfort.  It's the sanctuary at church.  Right up near the front, by the piano usually.  Sometimes, right on the floor in front of the first row of chairs, looking up at the cross on the wall.

So, I went there, in my mind, starting to feel the peace again of that place, and it started to outweigh the other emotions that had been stirred up.  She stopped the machine again, and then had me go back there one more time, this time thinking about one of my more favorite songs at the moment.  I was able to relax into that, and when we were done, felt much better than I had at the first.  I felt more able to handle the rest of the day.

We prayed together and I left, heading to town to get the kids from school.  After spending time with them, they left for the farm, and I was able to have some alone time.  I sat and contemplated how I was doing.  I realized that truly, despite the hard stuff I had come up against that afternoon, I was doing really pretty good.  I had peace.  I still do.

I know I am going to have to face up to this relationship in two weeks.  But two years ago, if we had had to leave something hanging that long, I would have been in a panic.  God is so good in giving me the peace I need.

I have a couple of assignments from Tricia.  One is to find passages of scripture that talk about how God sees me, through Christ's blood.  I also need to see if I can find scriptures that talk about my needing to focus on Christ.  (Like in Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith).  She challenged me as well to watch the movie "The Passion."  I have never seen it.  She said that when she walked out of the movie, after having watched it, she just said that she knew then and there how much God loved her.

I spent time in God's Word last night, and time journaling and praying. 

I woke up this morning having had a good night's sleep, and still feeling like I am close in His arms and His peace.  It is a wonderful feeling.  One I haven't had in a long time, at least not consistently.

I'm so thankful!  Yes, there is hard stuff coming.  There are going to be more hard "letting go" opportunities.  God is bigger than all those things.  God loves me through all of them.  He isn't surprised by anything.  He still sees me through Christ's blood and sees me as whiter than snow.  That won't change. 

Oh God, help me keep my gaze fixed on You.  You are my comfort and strength and shield and protector.  Thank you for this incredible mercy of Your peace and feeling of being sheltered and protected, held and comforted right now.  May I continue to rest in you in these coming days.

Building parallels

Well, my jaw isn't broken, just got jammed and the soft tissues inflamed, so I am having to take it easy on what I eat, soft food, ibuprofen, ice or heat as needed to take away pain or sooth sore spots.  I saw the dentist today, and I will be going back in 4 weeks for a general check-up and cleaning.

The hard part is I find myself trying to keep from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth.  Which causes the muscles to be even more sore than they need to be.

My left hand, that I landed on is still sore though.  It may stop my trying to write as much as I want tonight.  I landed on it, trying to catch myself on Friday, though my chin took the brunt of my fall.  I jammed something, somewhere, though it's not broken, but it's going to be a while for it to heal enough that small things like typing don't hurt anymore.  It's the top of my pinky and ring finger that hurt, and sometimes my middle finger too.  Depends on what I am doing.  Sometimes it surprises me because I am carrying something and my hand suddenly hurts and I almost drop what I'm carrying.  Though that is usually when I am carrying something far too heavy for that hand to handle.

It's interesting that in the middle of this, I can see how God is working and building parallels in my emotional/spiritual life.

A while ago, I took a spiritual/emotional tumble.  I got torn open pretty badly.  People have helped me get to where I need to go, between pointing me to God, praying me through it all, and making sure I have seen my counselor.  Tricia has been giving me assignments that have drawn me further into the pain.  These things, going into the painful areas has been so hard.

I really have been thrown into a tailspin.  It has hurt so much to have to write some of the things she has asked me to.  Once they have been written, I have been able to put them out of my mind for a while, until I go back to an appointment with Tricia, and have to read those writings to her.

I read one two weeks ago to her.  At the end of it, Tricia shared some things that I probably needed to do to help me cut the emotional ties I have in this particular instance.  Getting rid of some things, purging them, letting them go.  Part of that was done in the writing.  But some of that had to be done in the physical letting go of things too.

For these two weeks since, I got sick and was laid low last weekend, and then this past weekend I had my fall and was laid pretty low as well.  My weekdays were full with work, kids and home stuff.  Good stuff, but finally, over this past weekend, I started coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't obeying God.

God used Tricia and a few other key people in my life to encourage me to do the right thing.  To do the things that God wanted me to do to be able to walk in more freedom.  He was speaking very clearly to me, and I knew it was Him, through His word, through sermons, through the Breaking Free bible study, through my friends.

I just was choosing, for the past two weeks to wallow in my self hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, unwillingness to accept God's grace and forgiveness to me.  I've been fighting with letting go.  What's going to happen if I let these things go, the physical things, but more than that, the attachments, the emotional ties I have found buried deep.

As I have struggled, I have heard God telling me the same thing over and over, "Submit to Me, surrender it to Me, I can carry it.  My yoke is easy, kind, and much lighter than the one you are trying to drag around." 

One of the things that I got out of this week's sermon... again, something that God has been pounding into my head.

If you feel that you aren't hearing from God, see if there is any spot that you aren't obeying Him on.  Do that thing, and then listen again.  He doesn't withdraw Himself from you, but your lack of obedience will make it really hard for you to stay close to Him.  That makes it hard to hear from Him, because you're not doing what He's asked you to in the first place.  You've placed a barrier up between yourselves.

Ok, so it wasn't said verbatim that way, but that's what I got out of it.

After being shaken up this weekend, I spent some time praying on Saturday night, journaling before my meds took me out for the count.  I made a mental note to see if I could get together and actually talk face to face with my friend Cindy D.  We've been emailing back and forth, this past week, encouragement to one another, but not been able to really see each other and talk face to face.

Sunday, I had to play piano for church.  My hand was sore, as was my jaw, but I managed it.  I ended up having to use dish soap to take off my wedding ring, because my left hand and those two fingers started swelling after I got done doing all the playing for the worship team.

I chatted with Cindy D. a bit and asked her if she was doing anything after church.  She laughed at me and asked me if I wanted to get together, if I was asking her if she wanted to talk with me for a bit....  I told her that was what I was asking in a round about way.  We had a good laugh about it, and then decided to meet at a near by park in a bit, that way we were able to enjoy the weather and still talk.

We got together and talked for a while. Longer than I had anticipated.  During that time, I could tell that God's hands were all over that conversation.  From her perspective and life experiences, she was able to listen to me and hear my heart, and then ask guiding questions and pointed questions.  Some of these questions, under normal circumstances I would have never answered... even if Tricia had posed them.  I probably would have gotten so angry and shut down.  They were that hard.

But God had opened up my heart.  He opened up that old wound so much in the last couple of weeks, and there Cindy D was asking the pointed questions to help me clean that huge gaping wound with the Truth.  The truth of what I really believed, what I really needed, what I was really clinging to, and what I was really avoiding doing.

I needed closure.  After my three hour conversation with Cindy D. I was able to go home, talk to my hubby a bit, and do what I needed to do.  I threw out a bunch of stuff.  I feel lighter now.  I felt lighter yesterday.  Last night, I did some more cleaning out.  Getting rid of things.  It made me aware that there is more to do in different areas as well.  But, one area at a time.  There is a lot of garbage that has collected in areas I thought I had already cleaned out and closed the chapters on.  Maybe I have only done surface cleaning there, and now need to do more deep cleaning - or let God do the deep cleaning.

Getting rid of these things was like the wound finally getting fully cleaned out.  Ready for healing.  The rough edges trimmed off, the dirt scrubbed out.

Letting go of the emotional attachments, it's still taking me a bit to learn to leave them alone.  They will die out.  But it is like a dying out of a part of me.  I have to stop treating myself like crud because I believe I am crud.  I have to start seeing myself as God sees me.  I have to start saying it, out loud, whether I believe it or not fully yet.

God is stitching me up.  But that means I have to be flat on my back, letting Him do the work.  I can't fight Him, I can't move around, I can't get up, because I won't heal if I do.  If I don't let Him do His work, I won't be able to move on.

Now is the time that I need to just fall into His arms of love.  I need to feel His love, my Father's love holding me, comforting me, healing me.  I need to be wrapped in a comforter, on His lap, leaning against His chest, listening to His heart beat.   I need to listen to that heartbeat of His because it calms me down.  When I calm down, I can rest, I can heal and then I am ready to get up when it's time to go on and to the next right thing.

So, I am off to rest some more.  Let my physical body rest and heal, and let my heart and soul and spirit rest too.  It's easier sometimes to get my physical body to calm down and settle in, but a lot harder to get my mind to settle, and my heart to stop taking flight, and my soul and spirit to relax enough to really hear God's heartbeat for me.

Thank You Jesus that you helped me write this, because when I started this post, I had no idea where it was going.  Thank You for showing me the parallels You have drawn in my life to teach me.  You Jesus, are so wonderful to me.  You have blessed me with incredible friends and counselors, with a great pastor and church, with a family that loves me and cares for me and helps me.  I am blessed immeasurably, more than I could have ever asked or imagined!  Way back when I first became a believer, I could have never dreamed that I would be where I am today, or that I could have survived all the things I have.  You have saved me.  Oh my God, you have saved me!  You have bought me back, redeemed me, paid for my debts when I couldn't, and I am now yours.  You have called me by my name, and I am Yours.  Thank you!  Help me continue to cling to You and to look back, when I doubt, or when I need to remember to dance for joy, to read these old blog posts as reminders of what You have done, and what You have promised to do. 

Pleasant happenings...

So Tricia asked me to take note of pleasant things that happened....

I have labeled them before as "joy moments."

One of my friends from college caught this phrase.... and reminded me of it in her comment in my last post....

"another joy moment: a perfect grilled cheese sandwich. :) "

She was referencing a post I made on Facebook about the perfect grilled cheese sandwich.

Start your griddle or frying pan to heat on medium. Butter a piece of bread on one side, place it butter side down. Put down your cheddar cheese (note: Velveeta WILL NOT DUE) and sprinkle a little bit of garlic powder. Then cut up a nice big ole slice of garden fresh tomato (I used a golden one, just picked today) and lay that on top of the cheese. Put down the other piece of bread, butter side up, and grill (both sides) till the cheese is gooey, or till you can't stand to wait any more.

Sigh.

That's making me hungry again.

Another joy moment tonight.
I had three right in a row!!!

First it was that grilled cheese sandwich.
Then I got to sit next to my hubby on the couch and watch Mythbusters on Discovery Channel.

Then I got to walk my friend's dog. My friend is staying with us for a while, and since she is gone overnight, I got to walk her dog tonight. Let me tell you, I think I tired both of us out. I haven't kept up that pace of a walk in a long time! :)

It was really great. A brisk walk, cool night air, a perfect breeze.... and the pooch actually decided to listen to me tonight and heeled the whole way!!!

So, three great things.

Three pleasant happenings.

All in one night.

I'm sure there are more, like my daughter snuggling me this afternoon when she wasn't feeling well. An unknown man stopping to assist me when my lawn mower would start but not keep running (he spent over an hour fixing it for me!!!) Never got his name, but am eternally grateful. What a blessing he was! My son made it through getting his six yr. old molars sealed, and 2 bad cavities filled. And he was so brave about it, he didn't even need me in the room with him... and there are still more.

I can't pass over these pleasant happenings.

These joy moments.

God is good.

Nothing special...

Today was "nothing special" look at it from the front side... looking at it from my point of view as I got up this morning.

Today was one of those days.

You know the ones I am talking about.

I woke up late, with a horrible headache, and my stomach off kilter.

I got to work and sat looking at my desk and list of things to be done and realized that most of what I needed was still at home.

I just was "off" and didn't know how to fix it.

I felt like I was just a body warming a chair at work today. What was the point in me being there when I couldn't get done all I wanted to?

Then this afternoon happened.

First my best friend, Gwen, was online and showed up in my chat status. So, I dropped her a line in the chat, to see if she was really there and had time. She did. Though it was a short conversation, I knew God had authored it, because she shared some things that needed prayer, and it was good for us both, I hope!

Then right at the end of our conversations, my home group leader, Pete came by the office. I was very happy to see him, but I assumed he was there to talk with Pastor Kim. So I just indicated that he was free, if Pete wanted to go in.

Instead, Pete came into my office first. I thought he was just going to stand and chat a moment about our small group and what we were going to be doing, and the menu for Thursday.

When he sat down in my extra chair, I realized that he really wanted to talk. With me. I felt surprised, then this peace and joy flowed through me that he was taking the time to stop. Pete was taking a pause in his day for me.

We talked about a wide range of things, some important stuff, a few light things. I was able to share prayer requests. He asked how I was doing with my job at the church, as well as just personally. He took time and listened, and shared some of his heart too. We talked about things concerning our small group, concerning him and his wife, Donna.

Some of the things gave me something to chew over and ponder for a while now.

When our conversation reached a natural conclusion, Pete suggested that we pray together. He prayed first, then I did - and my heart came pouring out, in prayer for him and Donna, for our small group... and other more personal things. Unexpected but good.

What struck me as we talked and prayed, and made even more of an impression afterward, was that Pete asked for my opinion and insight into some things.

That may seem average and ordinary to some.

To me, it was huge. To be thought of as whole and healthy enough to be able to give an opinion or advice was so impacting to me today, especially coming from someone I love and respect so much.

There have been times where I have sensed something, and never said anything to anyone about it, or done anything about it, and the moment has passed. I haven't trusted myself enough to feel like I had the right to say something, because well, what if I was totally wrong?

Slowly in the last year or so, I have opened up to one person, my friend Cindy, a couple of times when I felt that God was prompting me to - because she was safe.

However in the past month or so, I have dared to open up to a few more people about an insight I had, or about something I sensed, that ended up being right on. A couple of them were pretty noticeable to me. I also know that it was only God who could have shown me these things.

There were two things that I felt I noticed. One, I spoke about it to the person involved. The other I didn't because I was unsure how to communicate it, verbally or written. The spoken one, I don't know what kind of affect on the person it had, or if healing will take place because of it. The unspoken, I am concerned now, knowing other things, that my not speaking (or writing) when prompted allowed a situation to continue, and possibly worsen, due to lack of knowledge.

In the conversation with Pete though, I felt that God was touching my heart in a much needed way. I didn't know I needed it until it happened. It was a tangible way God showed me that I am on the right path.

On the right path.
Tentative steps.
Trembling lips.
Full heart.

On the right path, with a heart bursting with the desire to do and say the right thing, and to not overstep what God wants me to do, or to get ahead of Him.

Scared to death sometimes to say what needs to be said.

But I am willing.

Oh, to see the road He has taken me on, and now to see that He has had this road in mind all along! Because only through the pain I have been in, am I able to recognize it in others. Only through the experiences I have been through am I able to see the traps and recognize similar circumstances unfolding in other lives around me.

Only through prayer and seeking God's wisdom and discernment have I had the opportunity at times (and the permission) to speak into someone's life.

Truly, I have been, and still am, on the road, walking with Jesus.

Today, God knew what I needed though I couldn't put it into words.

When Pete took the time to come into my office and sit down, God used it to touch a place deep inside of me. Pete invested in me today, and I hope I was able to give back some. The affirmation, encouragement and prayers I got today, from someone I love and respect, means more to me than I can put into words.

It was the love, acceptance, and encouragement of a father to a daughter that I don't get very often, at least in spoken words.

It was the unspoken but implied acknowledgment of growing up and being peers, a change in relationship, and almost a rite of passage for me.

God used a simple conversation to show me I am growing up, to show me that He loves me and has worked in me, even when I didn't feel like He was.

He used it to build and expand my capacity for joy, and to help me through the transition to the next level of maturity.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness to me! Thank you for using the people in my life to touch me and work in me in the very ways I need. Oh, may I be such an instrument in the lives of those around me!

No, today was "nothing special." It was just a day that God met me, matured me, impacted my life, and gave me a deep joy, in the ways only He can.

Sledding and fun and God's abundant blessings

Today was a wonderful break in the week. It was a wonderful time of rest and fun.

I went sledding with my family and a good friend, at her family's house. They live just outside the edge of town, and at the back of their property have a huge hill.

Note the Dave and the kids going down the huge hill. I believe this is relatively early on in the afternoon, but am unsure!


We got there, and immediately this kids were grabbing sleds and heading for the hill. They were so excited. We got many great pictures, and had many wipe outs and belly laughs.

This is Peter and my friend, Angela on one of the many wipe outs!


The first time my daughter went down the hill with me, I could feel her giggling all the way! This is her and daddy going down.


We had so much fun.

And I am going to be SO sore tomorrow!

Here are a few pictures from the day.


You can tell the kids had a blast, and so did we. I needed this fun today, especially after how this week went for me.

It was a hard one, and very up and down. I started it on such a positive note on Monday. I felt really good, and was ready to go. I don't exactly know what happened. However, it wasn't pretty!

By Wednesday, I was dealing with not only depression, but exhaustion. There has been so much that has happened within the last few weeks, that I just really haven't recouped very well.

I hadn't been sleeping well at night, and I hadn't been eating healthy, and by Wednesday I could hardly keep my eyes open at my desk. As a matter of fact, I truly don't remember much of the day. And it got worse and worse.

Finally I decided to throw in the towel and go home to try to rest before worship rehearsal later that night.

I called my friend, Cindy, and we chatted briefly before I left the church. I know she was very concerned about me, especially when I didn't even have the energy to really answer any questions she was throwing my way. Seriously.

As we were talking, it occurred to her that I didn't have the kids, and wasn't responsible for them, as it was Dave's "Daddy Day" with them. Her husband was gone for the night, so she said, "Why are we still talking on the phone, get over here!"

So, I did.

I swear to you, I hardly remember the drive there. When I got there, we settled down to watch a short video that she was finishing up, then talked a bit, but I felt really incoherent. She just let me do what I needed to, chill out and not have to talk to much. I was just so under the weather, that I really couldn't even feel anything, which is very strange for me!

She fixed me supper, and as we ate and talked and prayed together, I started to feel more marginally human.

By the time I had to leave to get to the church for worship team, I was a bit more like myself. She stood with me by the door, and as she gave me a hug, prayed over me.

I didn't even cry.
Me. Not. Cry.
Not even a tear.

That's unheard of! :)

Worship rehearsal went well that night, better than it had any right to. I do remember most of the details about the rehearsal. I remember being able to worship God, right in the middle of dealing with technical stuff too.

The power of praise cannot be over rated!

I got eight hours of sleep that night when I got home.

The power of a good night's sleep cannot be over rated, either!

Slowly this week, as I have been sleeping better, and sort of eating better, I have improved.

It was really scary looking back at the day Wednesday and realizing that I really didn't remember what had gone on during the day. It is like that day is wiped out. I mean, I know I was at church, that I did some work on the computer, that I answered the phone some, and talked to people. But honestly, the details are all gone. All I do remember is feeling physically, and mentally, and emotionally exhausted and awful.

I am working on clinging to the truth. God has placed me in Ephesians, Chapter 1 for a while... and I need to soak up that and Psalm 139 for a while. I need to re-establish my identity in Christ, and take a "refresher" course.

Please pray that I would be able to so be washed in the water of His word, that I will find all the dirty and lies washed away, and so that I will see the lies for what they are, because I know what the truth is. Knowing the lies, not because I studied them, but because I study the truth, and the lies can't hold a candle to that!

I am so grateful that today was so much better.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with my family and a good friend.

I am so grateful that tomorrow is another day, fresh with the prospect of joy and closeness with God. I lead worship at church this weekend, tomorrow, and am excited to see what God is going to do in me - and in our congregation.

I choose to trust that He is with me, even when I don't see it or feel it. He gave me Cindy on Wednesday to come alongside me and just minister healing and peace to me. He gave me the power of His praise that night to break through the numbness surrounding my heart. He gave me a wonderfully healing night's sleep to enable me to be more mentally strong the next day.

I know God can do all of that and more. So I choose to trust Him tonight, and tomorrow. May I always make that choice!

God's warmth and light....

The night falls so swiftly now.

Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!

I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.

I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.

How God met me in that warmth!

He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.

As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.

I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!

My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.

Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.

Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.

I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.

I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.

He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.

Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.

And then again....
Maybe He won't.

All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.

It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.

A family within a family.

Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.

The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.

It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.

God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.

He brings light from the darkness.

Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.

I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.

He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.

forever grateful....

You and I are alike in so many ways.
Yet, there are so many ways in which we are so unique.
That's what makes our friendship so exciting.
We get each other.
Understand each other.
We learn from each other, growing together.

God has orchestrated our meeting from eternity past.
God has knit our lives and hearts together in ways we don't even grasp.


We have walked through some pretty dark valleys together.

We have walked along some crazily steep paths together.

We have stood on the amazing mountain tops, gasping at the possibilities together.

You have upheld me, prayed for me, cried with me, danced on the streets with me, worshiped with me.

You have shared your life and heart with me. Opened your home as a haven to me. Talked with me for hours on the phone to help me through a horrible day. Known it was me calling, when I was crying too hard to even say hi. Laughed with me till we could hardly breathe, so hard we were in tears.... Stayed up late with me (even when you never, hardly ever, stay up late at all).

Slowly, as God has been growing me, I have felt like I should give something back...
As if I should repay...
But how can you repay something that was given freely?

Do you repay the gift of love, the gift of grace?

Can I repay God for His love, His grace?
Not really, that was a free gift.

Like your love to me.
Free and unrestrained.

So, I can't repay, but I can respond in kind.

I will share my life and my heart with you. I will open my home as a haven to you. I will stay on the phone with you for hours if you need me to help you through a horrible day. I will know it is you calling, even if you are crying too hard to say hi. I will laugh with you till I can hardly breathe, so hard I am in tears. I will stay up late with you (even if you never, hardly ever, stay up late at all).

I will uphold you.... using God's mighty Word.
I will pray for you.... and have been.
I will cry with you.... already have today.
I will dance on the streets with you.... as we see God answer prayers - even when it isn't the way we expect or might want.
I will worship with you.... worship our mighty King, who knows, so much more than we ever could, what is the best for us.

I will walk with you. I will ask the hard questions. I will listen to the hard questions you might have. I too, do not have all the answers, but I know the One who does.

He is the God of compassion, the God of all comfort.
He is Jehovah - Rapha, the God who heals.
He is our provider, our helper, our protector, our shield and shelter.

He is the One who has moved mountains.

He moved incredible mountains in my life.
He still is.

He can move this one too, for you.

When you hurt, I hurt...
But even more than that....

He hurts too. Jesus weeps with us. He sees every tear that falls. He hears us when we call, even when it doesn't seem like it.

He answered my pleas from years ago... prayers I prayed for 10 years....

God has orchestrated our meeting from eternity past.
God has knit our lives and hearts together in ways we don't even grasp.

I am forever grateful that He answered my prayers.

That He answered them with you.


Update:
Win a free copy of Scot McKnight's book, "The Real Mary: Why Evangelical Christians Can Embrace the Mother of Jesus." Interested? See L. L. Barkat's post, "Did I Really Pray That?"

She obeys, He frees... She Speaks Part 8

I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.

Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…

So, there I was crying in the atrium of the hotel, trying to pray and surrender everything to God.

I finally was able to settle down and practice my talk, trying to time it and smooth things out. Just in time too, as I had to head upstairs to get together with everyone in my evaluation group.

I seem like I am skimming over so much. Everyone who spoke did so well. It was good for me to know that everyone was just as nervous as I was.

One amazing thing was how God really designed all of our talks. We all had different stories, different verses to talk on, different lives. But God designed each of our talks. We really all spoke about much of the same thing. How God has created us special, with our own unique talents and gifts and backgrounds. How much He loves every one of us.

God blessed my heart through each of my sisters there.

When I got up to give my talk, I was so scared. I was afraid to open up with the story....

(I know, I have been holding back what it was, because, well, though I have talked about it here on my blog as I was working through it in counseling... it's still hard to share)

......the story of how I was raped by a boyfriend in college......

I didn't go into detail. I couldn't. I didn't have much time to even fill out the story enough, or ease into it any.

It took all I had to follow God's prompting to share that story. It led so well into why I felt separated from God, and unable to receive His love, or believe that He could love me at all. The whole verses that I picked, that God gave me, were from Romans 8:35 and 37.

You know the part:

"Who shall separate us from the love of God? Shall trouble or hardship, or persecution or famine, or nakedness, danger or sword? No, in all these things were are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

It's a reminder for me, even today, right now, this very morning as I write this. No matter my past sins, the ways I fall and stumble along, God still loves me. He still looks on me with compassion and mercy. He lavishes His grace on me. Nothing can separate me.

Nothing, not even the nakedness I felt from the rape could ever separate me from God's love... even when I felt dirty, and lived with the lies that I wasn't worth anything more than being used by others.

After sharing, I finally felt such a relief.

Not just that I had shared my talk, but that I had followed God's prompting to share some of the hardest, most painful parts of my story, trusting Him to use it as He will.

I may have the opportunity to share my story, and/or a talk soon. Like in February as I am on a committee to plan a women's retreat for our church. We probably are going to use 3 people from our church family as the speakers, as we don't have a very big budget. It seems that all three of the speakers are on the committee right now. Funny how God works like that.

It may be harder to share my story, and any message God puts on my heart, with people who I will see all the time in church. However, God has put a burden on my heart for the women in our congregation that I see every Sunday. I wonder how many of them are living with secret depression, or secret shame and hurt and guilt... with burdens that they aren't supposed to be carrying... at least not alone, without others to help them.

All I know is I walked out of the speaker evaluation group with a new lightness in me.

The only way I can describe it is as if I finally got "permission" to really share my heart, and God's heart for women in pain and bondage. I had a release of sorts. From fear, from hesitancy, from resistance.

I walked into the dinner that night, in preparation for hearing Jennifer Rothschild speak in person. I had recently read through her "Self Talk, Soul Talk" book, and was doing her bible study, "Me, Myself and Lies." Both were incredible and I was greatly looking forward to what she had to say.

I didn't expect what she said, and how she shared her heart, to touch mine as much as it did. I couldn't explain it even now, though I will try...

God used her to speak right into my heart and life right where I was at....

(to be continued)

poured out...

If this is what it feels like to be poured out, I think I like it and want to feel this way again, more often.

I emptied myself last week at VBS. It was hard work. Stretching work for me, to teach and really lead as much as I did. It was hard for me to move beyond my comfort zone, and really try to connect with the kids as I taught them.

My comfort zone in this area was imposed upon me by a belief in a set lies. Lies that were embedded early on in my life as a believer.... lies that I couldn't teach, that I had no right to be up in front of kids, and worst yet, that my musical skills weren't and never would be strong enough to do anything with in the realm of teaching.

But last week, I pushed those aside, begged God to fill me and be more than enough for me, and I taught. I helped the kids learn music that was based around the themes of the days teachings. I taught them some sign language and such to go along with the songs to help them remember them. I led them in the closing celebration for their parents and friends. Then Sunday morning, the kids who were at church who had been in VBS, came up front and we sang and signed our theme song for the week for the church.

God met me. God filled me. God enabled me.

Instead of holding back when I felt God calling, I stepped out of my normal comfort zone and pushed through and did what He asked me to do.

This Sunday, after church was done, we all headed to Sunday school. Peter in particular was pushing to go to the farm right after the service. Earlier he had wanted to go to Sunday school, but when he realized that he was going to have to wait longer to go to the farm, he got fed up with me and started to melt down because I was making him stay.

We sat in the back of the adult class until I saw his teacher come through, and then I moved with Peter and Marina, and took them into their classroom. Once they were in there, Peter settled in. When they came out, all Peter could talk about was how much fun he had. Marina enjoyed it too.

I was proud of myself for having pushed through on something else that was uncomfortable for me. Taking the kids to church on my own, taking them to Sunday school for the first time, rather than giving into their demands of leaving right away.

But talking about being poured out...

This whole past weekend I could hardly string two thoughts together. I couldn't relax at the coffee shop. I couldn't unwind at the farm. After some sleep Saturday night, I was able to relax some on Sunday, and think a bit more clearly. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap at the farm Sunday afternoon. Came home and slept a full night last night too.

But woke up just drained again today. Drained and crabby!!! Yuck. I hate it when I wake up that way.

And sick. I have a wicked sore throat, that won't seem to go away.

But this usually happens to me when I really stress myself and give all I have got. I found it always happened in collage at the semesters end. I would come home for Christmas break or summer break and immediately get sick. It never failed.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I remember someone saying that they wanted to be one of the ones who left all they had out on the field.

I think I left it all out on the field last week.

I am tired and done in and toasted... mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually too. I just haven't been able to focus on God much since then. I want to, and I attempt to pray, but a few words come out, (or get journaled) and then I drift off. I can't seem to keep my mind on task.

So, now that I think Marina is finally asleep... (she has been fighting sleep all week.. staying up later each night... even when she doesn't have a nap and has been running all day) ...I am going to try to spend even a few quiet minutes with God here at the end of my day, and go get some sleep too.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind comments. This has been a week to remember, and if I can remember it long enough I will journal about it so that I don't forget what I have learned. Of course, maybe that is what this post, and the last one are about...

A reminder of what it is like to pour myself out, to follow God, to push out the boundaries of my comfort zone, and to expand and grow and find new confidence in God to equip me for what He is calling me to.

That's what it is all about.

He called me, I answered.
He equipped me, I poured myself out.

He did the work through me, I just obeyed and did what He told me. We make a good team that way. Much better than when I try to tell Him what He is supposed to be doing.

(Hmm. I do that way too much!)

Pouring out.
Service.
Sacrifice.

That is what God is about. As our theme song for the VBS week said:

"This is the way of the Kingdom of God!"



P.S. If I get the time, I will put up a post with a few pictures from VBS, so you can see a few of the things that happened at our church this past week... I am too tired now to do it, so hopefully tomorrow it will happen as I try to survive the heat!