The unexpected

God unexpectedly blessed me with an incredible friend tonight.  A friend who was willing to pour out, even out of her own brokenness and pain.

She saw where I was at by the end of my day, and even in her own pain, responded out of care and concern.  Come to find out we couldn't be more on the same page and in the same place if we tried.  And God put us there at the same time to walk together.

I had a break down today at church when she got there to see how I was doing.  I had a panic attack as I tried to talk to her there.  We spent time in the sanctuary, for privacy so we could talk, and she could help me calm down. 

All through the day, as memories have come to the forefront, I have been freezing cold.  So she invited me over to her house to hang with her and her son, and I got to snuggle up with various cats (she has 7, five of which I actually saw) and huddle close to her pellet burner till I warmed up.  She used the idea of the pellet burner to lure me over, because she knows I am a sucker for a fire! 

It worked.  The fire warmed me up as did the company that I was given.

Tears were shed, silent prayers prayed, and she gave me the benefit of a listening ear when I needed it, light-hearted conversation as it seemed appropriate, and the space to just have quiet and peace. 

This was only the second time I can ever remember going over to someone's house for the first time and not feeling uncomfortable, but rather, feeling safe and that it was where God wanted me.

I am still broken and hurting inside.  I let go today and accepted God's forgiveness and forgave myself.  And then God allowed a memory (one I rememebered but it was always on the "outskirts" of my mind) to come into full focus and full living color.  It was really hard, really painful and nearly shattered me today.

I don't know what to do yet.  What decisions I need to make, if any, about going to see Tricia sooner, or if I can hang on for 2 weeks until my next appointment. 

But tonight, God has given me a measure of peace.  More than I anticipated having.  My friend talked to me as I had at least one more panic attack at her house, not counting the one at church.  Now it's time for bed, and I am praying for sleep.  A nice peaceful, dreamless sleep.

I am just overwhelmed by God's goodness to me through this friend.... even as I am overwhelmed by the pain and fear and fallout of these memories.

This time this evening of relaxing, talking, laughing, listening, crying and praying was a needed break at the end of a long painful day.  It was healing.  It was given to me by God, through a friend who was willing to listen to His promptings..... and for once I didn't hinder what He was doing, but accepted her invitation of company for a while.  If I hadn't, I probably would have come home alone, and kicked myself all night for not going over.

Thank you Jesus for how you unexpectedly bless me so much.  You are so good.  You are so loving.  Please help me cling to that truth, and to how You revealed it to me through this precious time with You and my friend tonight.

coming unraveled...

I still feel like I am coming unraveled. I don't know what is wrong with me.

My brain is just not making sense of this.

Wednesday night I fell apart at church. I was there for worship rehearsal, and retreated to a quiet room, because I could feel my anxiety and fear going up, and I as soon as I got in there, I blew. I started crying - sobbing - so hard that I couldn't control it at all.

I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere.



Yesterday, I got a lot accomplished at home, which felt good. But I was running all day. I kept my hands and mind busy with lots of other things, so I didn't think too much.

Last night, Cindy D. came over after dropping her son off at work in town. When she got here, I started a fire in our fire pit. Her son got off of work, only 2 hours after he started, but he walked over to our house and hung out with Dave watching a Dr. Who episode and generally having a good guy time, while Cindy D. and I had good "girl time" at the fire.

As we talked, all that I had repressed during the day started to surface. She could tell that I was starting to "break" and she started to pray for me......

and the tears came
and the sobs started

I doubled over in my chair, just aching and hurting with no real release from it. It helped some, but I just hurt more.

She prayed that God would take the wall down that I had built up, brick by brick, that I would be able to let the tears flow and release some of what I have been holding in. I guess I did, but my internal reaction to her prayer was to tell God no, and try to take the bricks and put them back up.

I'm not sure how long I cried, but it was well after sunset before I was a bit more composed, and the tears still came on and off the rest of the night. I was so blessed by Cindy D's presence with me. She stayed with me through all the tears, and the pain. I got back to a place of relative peace, compared to earlier in the day. I don't think I would have gotten there alone. I was tempted to go to other coping mechanisms if she hadn't been able to come over.

I didn't want to think or feel.

Through her presence and her prayers, I sensed God with me, and I didn't have any more energy to run from Him. I knew He had orchestrated it that she would be there last night, and that I would feel safe enough with her. He knew what I needed and provided it.

We both praise God that He has given us this friendship. Neither of us, a few months ago could have imagined that we would be sitting around a fire talking and praying together - or that I would find her "safe" enough to completely lose control in front of her.

Cindy D. mentioned at one point that she could tell just how raw I was.
Oh, I was so raw.... Everything was just "out there."
There was no way I could contain or hide how I was really feeling.

After Cindy D. left last night, I went back out to the fire for a bit more. I ended up on my knees, leaning my head on my arms on the seat of the other chair, sobbing again. It felt like the tears were never ending. I haven't been this raw in SO long.

Now, today, I am raw and aching too. I don't have anyone with me here tonight. I have the kids, but no other adult to relate to or to be with me through this day - and through this pain.

I have been in or near tears on and off all day.



I feel like there is more going on here than losing Henry and grieving this loss.

Angela said that she wondered if it triggered something deeper in me.

Cindy D. said that she really didn't feel comfortable with the idea of me not going back to see Tricia and canceling that appointment... even though Tricia had left it open ended.

I think after last night, both Angela and Cindy D. would stick by those thoughts and feelings.



I don't want to go back to church (on Sunday). I don't want to go back to work on Monday. I don't want to have anything to do with God right now, because He is opening up something and I don't know what it is and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

I want to run and stuff and forget. I don't want to feel this much any more. I know that's not healthy. I know that's not what God wants. I know that's going backwards. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I'm overwhelmed.

I feel like I can't even write coherently. Everything comes pouring out at once. I hope you can make sense of it.

My mind sure isn't making sense of it. I just don't get why Henry's death has affected me so much. I don't know why/if it would trigger something else. I feel dumb about going back to Tricia because I can't hardly put anything to words either here or in my journal. I don't understand, my brain can't wrap around what's gone on and what I am feeling.

It isn't logical. It doesn't make sense - and therefore, I guess most of me is saying that those emotions aren't valid.... whatever they are.

Yet, I still feel unraveled - like someone took a seam ripper and just tore me apart at all my seams. I feel like a stuffed animal that has been torn apart, all the stuffing and insides coming out.

I feel open and raw and exposed.
I don't feel safe or protected right now.

I need to feel safe and protected right now... and I feel like God isn't doing it right now, whether that's true or not, and so I want to protect myself instead of trusting.

It's just where I'm at.
Coming unraveled, ripped open, raw, exposed....

.... and scared.

Temper tantrum?

I think I am having a bit of a temper tantrum.

I HATE taking medication just to be able to think straight enough to type this, or to drive home!!

My anxiety is over-whelming me at the moment. I had to take something to calm down enough to get home without feeling sick to my stomach. Which has been happening all week....
... the being sick to my stomach part.

I have had bouts of nausea and thought it was a stomach bug. Then after it was still bad yesterday, on the advice of my doctor, I went to eat before I went back to work. I thought for sure I would get sick.

Imagine my surprise when I felt better!

That was when I knew that most of how I've been feeling physically is anxiety and depression related.

As I mentioned, I went to my doctor yesterday. We talked about all that has gone on with Henry passing away, and trying to deal with this "stuff" in the moment, and my relative numbness lately.

After talking for a while, he told me that if he increased my medications, or changed them, I wouldn't feel any different or get any benefit from them right now. He was very hesitant to change anything until I am out a little further from these events of the past few weeks.

Then he strongly suggested that I consider going to a counselor again.

Interestingly enough, as I had pulled into the parking lot yesterday, I found myself wondering if that was something that I should do, or when I would know it was the right time. Then I dismissed it with the thought that my doctor would know when it was time and that he would tell me what he thought.

Little did I know that I would hear what he thought in the next half hour.

Counseling again.

Well, I got back to work from my appointment. After getting something to eat, as requested. As I worked through the afternoon, I found that I was actually getting something accomplished, which was more than I had hoped for earlier in the day. When I got up that morning it was all I could do to get out of bed.

I eventually called my friend Cindy. I told her how the appointment went. And what my doctor had said about counseling.

After talking for a bit, she weighed in with her opinion. She thought it was a good idea, and reminded me that she is going to be gone for this whole next month. I'm not going to have her readily available to talk to, even though she will have her cell phone with her. She urged me to make the call.

I got off the phone and continued to work.

Then I got a call from my other friend, Cindy D. (Yes, there are two of them now.... so this "new to you" Cindy, will always be Cindy D. just to keep them straight!!!) :)

Anyway, as Cindy D. opened the conversation with me, she asked how I was doing.

Point blank, I responded, "I don't even know how to answer that question anymore."

It's the truth. I am depressed. I know that. But that's about all I know. I am frustrated with myself. I am anxious, to the point of almost having panic attacks. Other than that, I just don't know what to say. At all.

She wasn't put off by that, thankfully. She and I talked for a while, and I know she was treading carefully because she didn't want to step on my toes, or make me uncomfortable as this is a new friendship. But she was very kind and gracious. When I finally "broke" and told her about my doctor's appointment and his strong suggestion... she said to me that she agreed with him too.

We talked for a while longer, and she encouraged me a lot. She has been through some things in her past that helped her to recognize what I was going through and where I am at, whether I am able to describe it or not. To use her words, I am in shock still from Henry's death, and denial too, I suppose.

Did you know me, the empathy person, who can just about cry with anyone, can't cry now? I have wanted to. Felt the lump in my throat. Nothin's there. And the pressure's building.

Cindy D. was such an encouragement to me that after we got off the phone, I paced the church. I know that doesn't sound encouraging... but for me it was. I paced and came back to my office. I got up and paced some more. Came back and answered a couple of phone calls and tried to do some more work.

Then got up and paced some more.

Finally I found myself in the sanctuary, where I think God had wanted me all along.

I paced in there too.
I talked out loud. About calling a counselor. About what I should do. How logical it would be to go to one. How logical it would be to NOT go to one.

I kept pacing through the rows of chairs, keeping one eye on the sky cause a storm was coming.

I came back to my office and computer. Sat down. Then jumped up. It wasn't because of the clap of thunder that came then, I couldn't sit still.

I was pacing in the sanctuary again, and finally stopped and faced the front. Then I talked to God a bit, and felt like He was pressing on me to make the call.

I walked back to my office and with shaking hands dialed a number that I haven't called in over a year and a half.

"Charis Counseling, may I help you?"
"Um, yeah, I think. This is Heather Kudla. I used to be a patient of Tricia, and was wondering if she might have an opening for a new patient, well, for me in her schedule."
"She sure does, let me just pull your name back up..."

And so the conversation continued.

When I hung up, I had an appointment.

With Tricia. The same person I saw before. On Monday night.

Do you know what my Monday is going to look like?!?!

To get to this appointment, I have to leave work early, race home to the farm to get the kids and bring them into town for swimming lessons. Dave's mom is going to meet me there on her way through from work, and "take over" for me at the lessons, and I am going to race from the swimming pool, back up to Wausau for my appointment.... by 6pm.

This is totally nuts. I am traveling a half hour to spend a half hour with the kids before I turn back around and drive a half hour back into town.

I'm tempted to cancel, but if I did it would be another 2 weeks before I could get in to see her.

Oh, it will be good to see Tricia and get caught up. But I didn't want to get caught up in a counseling office, but rather over a cup of coffee or something, in a setting where we could be friends, not a counselor/client relationship.

Both my Cindy's reminders though keep coming back. I may just need this one appointment to have her help me get back on track. I may need more too. I don't know. I don't know anything.

I just know I haven't ever lost someone close to me. I have never gone through a grieving process in "real time" close to the source of the grief. I don't know what to expect. I fear my emotions, and when they might pop out, or what they might be like when they do.

I guess I need someone with counseling experience and the tools to really help me, walk through this with me.

Maybe that "temper tantrum" I mentioned at the beginning of my post really wasn't that at all. Maybe it was a bit of anger at the situation I am in, and at how I'm dealing with it, and how I'm relating to God through it too.

I still hate taking medication to calm down, but at least now I don't feel as sick to my stomach. And at least now, I have been able to write for the first time in a long while.

I have even found that I can't journal. It's been hard not having my writing. Things have piled up, I have a lot to do for work, and then a lot to do with my family. Writing has taken a back seat.

Thank you for bearing with me as I have vented.
Maybe my next post will be a bit more organized.
Maybe.
I'm not making any promises!

Christ in the overwhelming...

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow. Moving day.

Not for me, but for a friend of mine. She is moving from her parents house, just outside of Milwaukee, to ours. She is going to rent a room downstairs, just off our laundry room. Privacy, and a chance to get established here in the area. A safe place to get on her feet, independent. A chance to grow up.

She is scared, emotionally overwhelmed and spent.

She called me today, in the midst of packing up everything.

She will be leaving behind most of her furniture, as our former office is furnished.

She will be leaving behind her friends and parents (though her parents come up to the area frequently because she has relatives in the area).

She will be gaining the chance to stand on her own, strengthen her walk with Christ, and a supportive church family who is willing to do anything to help her make her way.... new friends... a new job... a new chapter in her life.

We will be gaining a sister in Christ, just learning to make her way. Not only in living on her own and supporting herself.... but also making her way closer to Jesus again.

Please pray for all of us. Pray for us as we embrace her and bring her into our home, our family, our lives, our hearts (though she's already been in our hearts for a long time!)

My hope is that this transition for her will go smoothly, that she will see sure signs from God that this is the right choice to move out and into the new chapter.

I am thankful that the forecast is for good sunny weather tomorrow. We are using 2 pickup trucks to help her move. One has a topper, but the other doesn't.

I find myself struggling with fighting off a cold today. Angela is too.

Please pray with us for a safe trip, for our health, and for the strength and energy to do the whole move.

All I want to do is take a nap, but I find that I am laying expectations on myself. Expectations that no one else is laying on me. That my house (upstairs, not where she is moving into) should be clean and spotless, that I should have everything neat and orderly up there. There is so much cleaning to do, and only a few hours after work to do it in tonight. I have to get to bed early as I will be driving for 6+ hours tomorrow. Just over 3 down, and the same back.

I am more than willing to take the time out and help her. I am glad to do it.

I find myself getting overwhelmed because I am trying to do it in my own strength today. I know I shouldn't be. I don't have to have it all together before I take someone into my home. If I did, I would never take someone in. Because I can never have it all together.

I am so thankful that God's strength is shown perfect in my weakness. My weaknesses are many. But His grace and mercy cover all of them. He loves with a perfect, unfailing love, when my love is weak or half-hearted at best. His hope is an eternal one, when my hope falters in the middle of a circumstance. His joy reigns supreme when my joy strength reaches it's end and I feel I can't go further.

God is so much bigger than we could ever comprehend.... yet He chooses to live with these frail jars of clay that we are, so that through our cracks and imperfections His glorious light can shine for all the world to see.

So, though I feel overwhelmed, imperfect and unable.... in Christ's strength all things are possible.... and His Light is shining in me... through me.

Nothing special...

Today was "nothing special" look at it from the front side... looking at it from my point of view as I got up this morning.

Today was one of those days.

You know the ones I am talking about.

I woke up late, with a horrible headache, and my stomach off kilter.

I got to work and sat looking at my desk and list of things to be done and realized that most of what I needed was still at home.

I just was "off" and didn't know how to fix it.

I felt like I was just a body warming a chair at work today. What was the point in me being there when I couldn't get done all I wanted to?

Then this afternoon happened.

First my best friend, Gwen, was online and showed up in my chat status. So, I dropped her a line in the chat, to see if she was really there and had time. She did. Though it was a short conversation, I knew God had authored it, because she shared some things that needed prayer, and it was good for us both, I hope!

Then right at the end of our conversations, my home group leader, Pete came by the office. I was very happy to see him, but I assumed he was there to talk with Pastor Kim. So I just indicated that he was free, if Pete wanted to go in.

Instead, Pete came into my office first. I thought he was just going to stand and chat a moment about our small group and what we were going to be doing, and the menu for Thursday.

When he sat down in my extra chair, I realized that he really wanted to talk. With me. I felt surprised, then this peace and joy flowed through me that he was taking the time to stop. Pete was taking a pause in his day for me.

We talked about a wide range of things, some important stuff, a few light things. I was able to share prayer requests. He asked how I was doing with my job at the church, as well as just personally. He took time and listened, and shared some of his heart too. We talked about things concerning our small group, concerning him and his wife, Donna.

Some of the things gave me something to chew over and ponder for a while now.

When our conversation reached a natural conclusion, Pete suggested that we pray together. He prayed first, then I did - and my heart came pouring out, in prayer for him and Donna, for our small group... and other more personal things. Unexpected but good.

What struck me as we talked and prayed, and made even more of an impression afterward, was that Pete asked for my opinion and insight into some things.

That may seem average and ordinary to some.

To me, it was huge. To be thought of as whole and healthy enough to be able to give an opinion or advice was so impacting to me today, especially coming from someone I love and respect so much.

There have been times where I have sensed something, and never said anything to anyone about it, or done anything about it, and the moment has passed. I haven't trusted myself enough to feel like I had the right to say something, because well, what if I was totally wrong?

Slowly in the last year or so, I have opened up to one person, my friend Cindy, a couple of times when I felt that God was prompting me to - because she was safe.

However in the past month or so, I have dared to open up to a few more people about an insight I had, or about something I sensed, that ended up being right on. A couple of them were pretty noticeable to me. I also know that it was only God who could have shown me these things.

There were two things that I felt I noticed. One, I spoke about it to the person involved. The other I didn't because I was unsure how to communicate it, verbally or written. The spoken one, I don't know what kind of affect on the person it had, or if healing will take place because of it. The unspoken, I am concerned now, knowing other things, that my not speaking (or writing) when prompted allowed a situation to continue, and possibly worsen, due to lack of knowledge.

In the conversation with Pete though, I felt that God was touching my heart in a much needed way. I didn't know I needed it until it happened. It was a tangible way God showed me that I am on the right path.

On the right path.
Tentative steps.
Trembling lips.
Full heart.

On the right path, with a heart bursting with the desire to do and say the right thing, and to not overstep what God wants me to do, or to get ahead of Him.

Scared to death sometimes to say what needs to be said.

But I am willing.

Oh, to see the road He has taken me on, and now to see that He has had this road in mind all along! Because only through the pain I have been in, am I able to recognize it in others. Only through the experiences I have been through am I able to see the traps and recognize similar circumstances unfolding in other lives around me.

Only through prayer and seeking God's wisdom and discernment have I had the opportunity at times (and the permission) to speak into someone's life.

Truly, I have been, and still am, on the road, walking with Jesus.

Today, God knew what I needed though I couldn't put it into words.

When Pete took the time to come into my office and sit down, God used it to touch a place deep inside of me. Pete invested in me today, and I hope I was able to give back some. The affirmation, encouragement and prayers I got today, from someone I love and respect, means more to me than I can put into words.

It was the love, acceptance, and encouragement of a father to a daughter that I don't get very often, at least in spoken words.

It was the unspoken but implied acknowledgment of growing up and being peers, a change in relationship, and almost a rite of passage for me.

God used a simple conversation to show me I am growing up, to show me that He loves me and has worked in me, even when I didn't feel like He was.

He used it to build and expand my capacity for joy, and to help me through the transition to the next level of maturity.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness to me! Thank you for using the people in my life to touch me and work in me in the very ways I need. Oh, may I be such an instrument in the lives of those around me!

No, today was "nothing special." It was just a day that God met me, matured me, impacted my life, and gave me a deep joy, in the ways only He can.

prayer for my family

My family is going through a rough time right now.

Not my immediate family - Dave and the kids and I - but my spiritually adopted family.

Our "small group" or "home group" as our church calls them, is finding itself under a lot of strain from many different areas.

We are not a typical "bible study" with a topic of study each week, though we have tried that. We can read a book and discuss it, sometimes. But that isn't our focus. Our focus is on relationship. With God, and with one another. The formality of a bible study isn't always a good fit for us.

The times when we really shine, are the times when we "do" life together. We help each other out with things, fixing computers or cars, bringing meals to one another, celebrating birthdays together, having "dinner and a movie" nights at someone's house.

Sometimes my kids are there, often Dave isn't because of his work schedule, but for the most part, the core of us has been together for a long time - maybe 5 years.

They have walked with me through depression, suicidal thoughts, emotional immaturity - and watched as I have learned and grown. We have walked together through someone's scare of prostate cancer. We have stood by as several have struggled deeply with relationships, friendships, and authority figures. We have come alongside those who have lost jobs. We have shared the burden of helping a dear friend struggle with colon cancer. We are starting the walk with that same friend as she struggles with her husband's diagnosis/surgery/treatment of colon cancer.

We have had many stresses on our group. We have had different people become part of the group for a while, and go away for a while, sometimes come back, sometimes not. Right now, one core couple, who used to be able to be another physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy couple to come alongside the couple leading us - well they are the ones struggling with the serious cancer diagnosis now.

Our leader and his wife are tired. They need to be filled and encouraged, and feel they are pouring out, but not receiving it in.

How can I help them? I so want to, but don't know that I am in the position to.

Our group has suddenly grown very needy and lopsided with this one couple being so wrapped up in what is going on with them. The wife still comes, but he is pretty much needing to stay at home right now, to get his strength back before chemo.

That leaves our leader as the only male in a sea of estrogen! A guy (from what I have heard) can only take so much of that for so long! :)

Please pray for us. As a family, we don't want to be "split up" or broken apart by these difficult times we are in. I know that if God wants us to stay together, we will come out on the other side of this so much stronger.

But if God wants us to stop meeting as a small group, then we are going to need to be prepared to do that. I know I am not prepared for that, for sure. We love each other and if God wants us to disband our small group and do something else, though we will make time for one another, it is still going to be different than what we have now.

I don't know what is going to happen.

But I fear there is going to be hurt involved, no matter what is down the road here, in the near future. We are going to be broken, no matter what happens. But God is in the business of healing all things broken.

We need to be clear on how God is directing us. We need clear communication. We need Spirit-led conversations and understanding and unity that only comes from God. Only with that clear communication, understanding, unity and love are we going to be able to minister to one another the way God intends us to.

We need protection from all attempts of the enemy to build on the struggles we are facing. He would love nothing better than to use the crisis of one couple in our group to implode the group as a whole, causing damage and wounds in every direction.

Please pray that each of us individually would be able to stand firm against the enemy's schemes. He is trying very hard to pull any of us down individually.

Please pray that as a family we will be able to unite and come against the attacks of the enemy.

Please pray that as individuals and together we will be able to meet the needs of those in our group who have them, but also to be able to take care of ourselves enough, and express when we have a need as well.

Please pray for me.

Pray that I am very clear on what my position is/should be, how I can help, and what my limitations are. If I am not aware of, or ignore, my personal boundaries, I will find myself exposed, over extended and exhausted.

I am so glad that God's love endures forever. I am so thankful that He never leaves us or forsakes us. I am so grateful that we are sealed by the Holy Spirit in Him, and that we are united in the Spirit.

I am praying that our small group can be an example of that love, the ever presence of God, the security of being in Him, and unity of the Body, the way God designed it.

I am praying most for this dear couple who have been married for only 47 years and are begging God for a miracle of more time together!

My heart is burdened by all needs in our family. I want to meet them all, and I know I can't. I keep praying, but I hardly know what to pray because it is all so overwhelming.

Please join me in prayer. I know that when we don't have the words, or knowledge of even what to pray, the Spirit does, and guides our prayers, and prays for us.

What gifts God has given us! May His strength be shown perfect in our weaknesses!

disconnect

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul. and forget not all His benefits." Psalm 103:1-2

I needed this reminder this morning.

I need this reminder every morning.

I have found myself dealing with a lot of disconnect.

This past week it has felt like I have disconnected from friends. I haven't called people as much, I haven't done much emailing. I haven't done any writing. I didn't even get in contact with my best friend.

I had one of my other best friends come to my house for an overnight. It's the first time we have seen each other in.... well, way too long, if I can't remember when!

But just before she came, I got a terrific (horrific) head cold. I was so out of it this weekend. I felt terrible, not just because of my cold, but because it was so hard for me to concentrate on my friend.

It was wonderful to see her. It was so good to talk and be able to share what has been going on in our lives. Things have changed so much with us since we were roommates in college. But God has still kept us close.

I just feel like the whole weekend was foggy. I even skipped out on church on Sunday, because I was feeling so bad. I never do that. I usually push myself through - but I decided that when I got up, showered and dressed and was ready to go back to bed, that I had better call it quits - especially since I still had my son to get ready too.

Peter was off of school all last week, cause he was sick. Marina was sick too (still is) and now Dave and I are as well. I feel like I was running in a million directions last week, and had no time to connect with God either.

I feel disconnected.

I feel like I have pulled the plug and done an automatic disconnect on my own.

I know part of that is feelings. I know that part of that is just the everyday stress of sick kids, being sick myself, and a ton going on right now.

But I really dislike that. I don't like the feeling of just "floating" around disconnected from people, and from God, and feeling ungrounded.

Thus the scripture verses above. They are going to by my scripture memory verses for the next 2 weeks.

They are David's words. They seem to be an intentional reminder to his (and my) inmost being to praise the Lord, to remember Him, to remember all He has done for him (and me).

I need to intentionally remember what God has done. His benefits, His blessings, His healing, His love.

I am so thankful that no matter what I do or what I don't do, God's love for me never, ever fails.

Last night, as I was sitting on the couch, snuggling with the kids, I kept asking my daughter questions, or asking her to do something (like stop kicking me continuously under the blanket) and she refused to talk to me. I asked her something and she purposely ignored me. I got so frustrated with her. She was still doing it even as I was tucking her into bed.

I wonder how many times God is hurt and disappointed that I don't respond to Him when He talks to me. I am so thankful that he doesn't react to me the way I did with Marina. I am so thankful that He still loves me and that it never wavers.

I still love Marina, but I wonder if she realizes that? You know what I mean? I wasn't intentionally unkind to her, but had to discipline her for not listening.

I know how I perceive that from God (and from others, at times). Those times of discipline or pruning when I feel unloved. I know it is for my own good, and for His glory.

Right now, the things that I struggle with - the things that are day to day struggles, or pop up once a week or so, those are the things that are really pulling me down.

Those habitual sins, habitual lies, habitual coping mechanisms.

Those are what I find myself obsessing over. I mean, I am over analyzing them. Why am I doing this? Where is it coming from? What is the source?

What I really need to do is not worry quite so much about those questions but deal with the actual issues and emotions, and find my "go to" scriptures, my "stop me in my tracks" scripts that I can replace the lies, etc with. I need to be able to put into place in my mind, something besides my own will, which is weak, that will cause me to stop and realize what I am doing or where my thoughts are going.

Do you have "go to" scriptures, or as my friend says, a "stop, drop and roll" something that triggers you to meditate on the truth, no matter what your feelings are doing?

Would you share them with me? I would be so grateful for anything you are willing to share.

I need the connections with others, and I need the connection I have with God to be built up and strengthened, so that even in the crazy days, I will find myself leaning on Him, not doing an emotional disconnect from Him and everyone.

Sledding and fun and God's abundant blessings

Today was a wonderful break in the week. It was a wonderful time of rest and fun.

I went sledding with my family and a good friend, at her family's house. They live just outside the edge of town, and at the back of their property have a huge hill.

Note the Dave and the kids going down the huge hill. I believe this is relatively early on in the afternoon, but am unsure!


We got there, and immediately this kids were grabbing sleds and heading for the hill. They were so excited. We got many great pictures, and had many wipe outs and belly laughs.

This is Peter and my friend, Angela on one of the many wipe outs!


The first time my daughter went down the hill with me, I could feel her giggling all the way! This is her and daddy going down.


We had so much fun.

And I am going to be SO sore tomorrow!

Here are a few pictures from the day.


You can tell the kids had a blast, and so did we. I needed this fun today, especially after how this week went for me.

It was a hard one, and very up and down. I started it on such a positive note on Monday. I felt really good, and was ready to go. I don't exactly know what happened. However, it wasn't pretty!

By Wednesday, I was dealing with not only depression, but exhaustion. There has been so much that has happened within the last few weeks, that I just really haven't recouped very well.

I hadn't been sleeping well at night, and I hadn't been eating healthy, and by Wednesday I could hardly keep my eyes open at my desk. As a matter of fact, I truly don't remember much of the day. And it got worse and worse.

Finally I decided to throw in the towel and go home to try to rest before worship rehearsal later that night.

I called my friend, Cindy, and we chatted briefly before I left the church. I know she was very concerned about me, especially when I didn't even have the energy to really answer any questions she was throwing my way. Seriously.

As we were talking, it occurred to her that I didn't have the kids, and wasn't responsible for them, as it was Dave's "Daddy Day" with them. Her husband was gone for the night, so she said, "Why are we still talking on the phone, get over here!"

So, I did.

I swear to you, I hardly remember the drive there. When I got there, we settled down to watch a short video that she was finishing up, then talked a bit, but I felt really incoherent. She just let me do what I needed to, chill out and not have to talk to much. I was just so under the weather, that I really couldn't even feel anything, which is very strange for me!

She fixed me supper, and as we ate and talked and prayed together, I started to feel more marginally human.

By the time I had to leave to get to the church for worship team, I was a bit more like myself. She stood with me by the door, and as she gave me a hug, prayed over me.

I didn't even cry.
Me. Not. Cry.
Not even a tear.

That's unheard of! :)

Worship rehearsal went well that night, better than it had any right to. I do remember most of the details about the rehearsal. I remember being able to worship God, right in the middle of dealing with technical stuff too.

The power of praise cannot be over rated!

I got eight hours of sleep that night when I got home.

The power of a good night's sleep cannot be over rated, either!

Slowly this week, as I have been sleeping better, and sort of eating better, I have improved.

It was really scary looking back at the day Wednesday and realizing that I really didn't remember what had gone on during the day. It is like that day is wiped out. I mean, I know I was at church, that I did some work on the computer, that I answered the phone some, and talked to people. But honestly, the details are all gone. All I do remember is feeling physically, and mentally, and emotionally exhausted and awful.

I am working on clinging to the truth. God has placed me in Ephesians, Chapter 1 for a while... and I need to soak up that and Psalm 139 for a while. I need to re-establish my identity in Christ, and take a "refresher" course.

Please pray that I would be able to so be washed in the water of His word, that I will find all the dirty and lies washed away, and so that I will see the lies for what they are, because I know what the truth is. Knowing the lies, not because I studied them, but because I study the truth, and the lies can't hold a candle to that!

I am so grateful that today was so much better.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with my family and a good friend.

I am so grateful that tomorrow is another day, fresh with the prospect of joy and closeness with God. I lead worship at church this weekend, tomorrow, and am excited to see what God is going to do in me - and in our congregation.

I choose to trust that He is with me, even when I don't see it or feel it. He gave me Cindy on Wednesday to come alongside me and just minister healing and peace to me. He gave me the power of His praise that night to break through the numbness surrounding my heart. He gave me a wonderfully healing night's sleep to enable me to be more mentally strong the next day.

I know God can do all of that and more. So I choose to trust Him tonight, and tomorrow. May I always make that choice!

Life is good, God is better!

Last year at this time, I was looking at my life, wondering how I was possibly going to get through the new year with no counseling. I had just finished with my counselor, and was scared I couldn't do it on my own.

I was right. I couldn't.
But God did.

There were many things that He helped me do this year.

He prompted me to sign up for the conference "She Speaks" through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I prepared my talks, I went, I made new friends, I spoke... I also learned a ton!

God got me involved in the leadership team that is helping plan our church's first women's retreat (coming in February).

He also gave me a part time job as the administrator for my church.

Those are 3 big things that I didn't think I would be doing any time soon. Looking into 2009 last year, I had no idea those things were on the horizon (though I did suspect that She Speaks was).

God has blessed me in so many ways this year. Though I haven't written as much as I did the first year, I am just finishing my second year of blogging. I still have been able to write, and not just "newsy" stuff, but heart stuff too.

He has given me friendships through my blog and through Facebook that I would have never thought possible.

He helped me work through and memorize 24 verses through the Siesta 1st and 15th Scripture Memory challenge through the LPM blog. Some of them are a bit fuzzy now.... but I still have them there, and I still had them as I needed them for the circumstances I faced.

He helped me get a solo in Wausau Lyric Choir last spring. Did a major healing in me through that concert alone. And then He asked me to step down from it this year. It has made me sad, but right now, I know it would be too much and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I got to go, with several miracles on God's part, with a friend to the Living Proof Live event in Green Bay this year.

Jesus has led me through some life coaching with a dear friend.... and helped me walk with that same friend through some rough times of her own this fall and winter.

One thing that I didn't accomplish was getting finished with writing about She Speaks and all that I learned there. I kind of left you all hanging there... at Part 8 I think... when I was done with all my portion of the speaking, and going in to hear Jennifer Rothschild speak to us.

I guess I will have to finish up writing about She Speaks this coming year!


There is that familiar phrase that everyone uses (almost, it seems anyway) "Life is good." It's even its own clothing label now.

Life IS good....
Because GOD is good.

Whether the circumstances are good or not.... and they aren't always good...... God is in them. He is good. He loves each and every one of us so dearly.

And that is what makes life good.

Because even in the dark, in the light, and in the in-between God is there with us. He holds us, no matter how far away we push Him.... He stays there. With us.

Always.

Life is good....
.... but God is better!

May God bless you and yours this day and all the ones to come.
Love,

Advent of Trust #24 and 25

I am a bit behind with my Advent posts.... ok, two behind. Byt there are some reasons... really! :)

The day after Christmas, and it is relatively quiet here. Peter is playing behind me. Marina is at the farm. The kids and I are all sick... I didn't get it till yesterday, and Peter relapsed last night. Probably too much excitement and traveling and late nights.

I didn't get to post the last couple of days because we traveled a lot in the bad weather. I either had no internet access, or no time to get on the computer.

We had a huge winter storm come in, and had to drive from here to Madison in bad weather on Christmas Eve. Thankfully we were able to get there and once we got through the freezing rain that was happening near us, we were just contending with wet roads, rain and bad drivers around us.

We had a wonderful time with my family that day, and it was a great time for all of us to reconnect again.

God has blessed us so much with a wonderful family.

We went to Madison prepared to spend the night because the weather was supposed to be worse that evening. But we decided, partially because Dave had to work Christmas day, and partially because we had a friend in Madison who was trying to make it to Mosinee that night, to push through and try to make it home.

We packed up the kids, drove to the north side of Madison in wind and rain, and met up with Matt. Then we hit the road, with Matt following us in his car. Things were wet, but fine until just north of Portage, WI.... then went downhill from there.

Snow, sleet, freezing rain and wind.
Crazy drivers passing us at breakneck speed.

Several slide offs and spin outs were passed. But not one of them ended up being us. Praise God!

We averaged anywhere from 50 miles an hour to about 30 miles an hour. When we made it home, we unwound a bit, and then turned over our office to Matt and went to bed about 1:30am.

I woke up at 8:30, and as quickly as we could we partially unpacked Dave's car from the Madison trip, threw our presents for Dave's family into my car, and headed for the farm. We had several celebrations with Dave's family (some family that was leaving town this morning, and then his parents and brother, then some friends of the family who came over).

I took a nap in the afternoon (BLISS!!!) in between celebrations. Peter and Marina played with family, toys and watched a movie. They had a wonderful time.

We had such a good time with everyone.

God blessed us this year. Even with the horrible weather, and our long traveling.

We are coming down off the "high" of Christmas and are so grateful for our family and friends.

We gave one of our son's friends a bible. Her first. She is a reader, and was so excited about getting it, that she started reading it right away.... as in, took it to a back bedroom, and had me help her learn how to look up a scripture verse she had memorized in AWANA, then started reading in Genesis. She read the first 3 chapters in Genesis last night before bed, her mom told me.

She just started going to AWANA this year with Peter. She has loved it, memorizing loads of verses at a time, and now finding great enjoyment in having her own bible.

I remember at the beginning of the year being hesitant at getting the kids involved in AWANA because of the time commitment of it. Now, I can see the fruits of trusting God with it, not only in my own kid's lives, but also the life of someone else who was touched through that ministry... including this little girl's family as well.

I hope that God will help me remember to trust, no matter what is going on around me. He has shown me the fruits of that trust this year, this season of Advent, and just these past few days. Lives influenced and changed, amazing outcomes of surgery, healing bodies and hearts and emotions, safe travels and a friend home safe.

He is so good.

I hope that you have learned as much as I have through this journey through Advent of Trust. May I leave you with one more encouragement from God's word.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to Him,
For God is our refuge.
Selah."
Psalm 62:8

Advent of Trust #21; the fruit of trusting...

Today was a special day for me. It was my birthday and my son's birthday as well.

I walked into work this morning, to a "Happy Birthday" balloon attached to my desk, and cards.

I got home to a precious package from a couple who have become dear friends to me. We have only known each other through our blogs, and emails back and forth. But through just those avenues, God has blessed both of us.

The internet may be a strange way in some people's sight, to connect and make friends. But I have found that God has blessed me with friends that I would have never found otherwise. Removed by states, countries, long distance phone calls, long drives.

My blog started out as a way to communicate with a friend who was oversees for a year. It was a way to share with closer friends and family what was going on in my life, and slowly, as I got more bold, I was able to share more of my heart.

That was when God introduced me to people, and brought others to my blog. Some of us have formed connections, that though distance separates us, and sometimes long silences as well, won't easily be broken.

This couple that sent me this birthday package.. I got a rare glimpse into their home tonight. A CD accompanied a sweet, homemade gift of cookies, with the recipe. On that CD I got to see my friends, hear their voices, see their home, their pets, photos of their children. It was precious to me... so much so.

And I know that they put such love and thought into their gifts to me, and to my son. I am so blessed.

I decided that I would trust God in leading me into safe relationships through facebook and my blog. He has done just that. My horizons have been expanded by the people who have come into my life.

God has challenged me to be authentic here, to be transparent and open with all that goes on in my life (within certain limits) and I have trusted Him and written my heart, even when I was a bit scared to.

That trust has brought me many blessings, and the fruit of one of those was a dear package I got in the mail today from new friends, whose voices I got to hear for the first time.

Thank you.

Advent of Trust #2.... Leaning not on my own understanding

Another day, another day to trust.

After a long day at work, and a couple of meetings, phone calls and the like, I had more than enough opportunities to trust God.

"Trust in the Lord will all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

I have some opportunities to trust someone to take the lead in something. I have some opportunities to trust God to organize our women's retreat. I have some opportunities to trust God to heal a dear friend.

When I trust Him, I have to let go. Let go of the reins. Let go of control. Let go of the worry and anxiety.

God is in control.

Why can't I get that through my head?

To finally surrender and trust Him in all areas is extremely hard for me. I am plagued with worry and anxiety much of the time.

I fear that I won't measure up, either in others eyes, or in Gods (that's a whole other issue, because in myself I don't measure up, but in Christ I do....) But you get what I mean.

This has just been a long week, and my heart hurts for a friend. I know she is in pain, she is on a slow recovery process from surgery. I just keep praying for her and thinking about her all the time.

She is not only my dear friend, she is my sister in so many ways. She also is like a mentor to me. I go to her for advice so many times. There are so many things right now that I could use her advice on.

But because we haven't even been able to talk, and I know that she isn't up to talking... I have to rely on someone else.

I suppose the last couple of days, I have been leaning on my own understanding.

There is no one to talk to who can help "fix" what I perceive as my problems.

I have to trust in the Lord.
With. All. My. Heart.

As I have expressed, this is very hard for me. Maybe God is allowing me to the place of exhaustion to show me how much I have been trying to do on my own.

I have been doing fine in taking on the things I have... but if this exhaustion I am feeling today it God's way of showing me that some of these things aren't for me, then I suppose I have to trust him. My problem is trying to figure out if my reservations in certain areas is because it isn't a right decision, or if it is my own desire to "control" things.

I don't know.

So... its trusting in the Lord with all of my heart... and not leaning on my own reasoning of the situation. That's my job for today, I guess. All my understanding is worth nothing in the sight of God who can see everything and work everything together for good.

How are you going to trust Him today? Is there a specific area?


PS I will be posting a bit later today, as well, to "catch up" so that I am up to date and can keep up with all my posts for this month! :)

My friend, my heart

I'm just going to put it out there.

I'm having a hard week.

Work has been good, and I love the job.
I put in a ton of hours earlier this week, and drained myself.
It was my own fault for not putting up boundaries.

It took me nearly all day Wednesday to recover.

Yesterday I talked to my friend Cindy on the phone. I snuggled up under the covers on my bed while we talked. When we were done, I hung up and immediately started sobbing into the pillows.

All I wanted to do was get to her somehow and give her a big hug.

She is so overwhelmed by all that is going on in her life, that "Miss Empathy" herself, the dear woman who cries at almost anything, can't cry.

I think it is a flip of the switch that her brain did to enable her, with all the traumas in her life, to keep functioning. She is hurting terribly, but can't cry, can't break down, or let it go.

I get to see her, for a bit this morning for the first time in almost 4 weeks. I have missed her so much. She was gone, dealing with her father's death, and then caring for her mother, as she suddenly got worse and was hospitalized.

Now on top of all of that, she is preparing for surgery herself.

My heart is breaking for her. She is so glazed over, as she said to me just recently.

She is here right now on the phone, with another doctor, who is asking her questions to prep her for surgery.

I just promised her that she wouldn't be alone in the hospital if her husband couldn't be with her all the time. I want to do as much for her as I can, as God wants me to, even if it isn't me staying with her, but me arranging to have others stay with her.

Another friend went through surgery, cancer, and chemo last year, and I had peace pretty much through the whole thing, though it was traumatic. I was able to help and bring food, and do as much as possible to help her and her husband.

I never expected to have this type of response to all the things Cindy is going through, from her dad dying, to her mom almost gone now, to her having surgery... She just has been hit with so much. So my empathy is kicking into overdrive, as she "can't" feel right now, I have been for her.

That probably prompted my storm of tears yesterday.
It's probably why I am so close to tears today.

Please pray for me as I try to do all that God is asking me to, in my life, and all the things that I want to do, as God gives me permission, for Cindy. I know it is normal to hurt and grieve for someone, especially someone with whom I am so close. But I also want to be strong for her, and not make her think that she can't tell me things because I can't "handle" it.

Please pray for Cindy, that a some point (preferably before the surgery) she will be able to let go of some of the emotions building up.

God has been showing His perfect timing in everything, allowing her to reschedule an appointment with a doctor who really is scheduled out so far, it was nearly impossible for her to get her first appointment with him... and she was able to get her surgery scheduled soon. If her mom does die now, please pray that the timing will work out for the best for Cindy.

Pray that the people around Bob and Cindy will be able to help and come around them, supporting them during this time. They have no immediate family in this area, but have a whole church who loves them dearly. Please pray that they would accept the help that is offered to them, and not try to tough it out alone.

Pray for God's peace over all, in all, and through all.

She had to run to another appointment here in town, so Marina and I are going to run to meet her somewhere for lunch, after her appointment.

I am praying for a sweet time of fellowship... because I think we both need it.

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for a forum where I can be honest about where I am at, my emotions, and the things going on in my life right now... the aches, and joys too, in my heart.

Hopefully be able to write more soon,
Love in Him

Sick and tired, and a prayer request...

I haven't had much energy to write this week.

The kids and I have been fighting a losing battle with the flu. No idea whether it is the regular strain or not, but we are down and out.

I also have been working, though the last couple of days were half days, because of how I was feeling.

I feel like my brain is mush. It's been hard to concentrate, just cause of how I have been feeling. I have had a hard time quieting myself to pray, and when I do, my mind wanders so quickly. It has also been hard to write, or do a bible study or anything.

All that to say, there have been lots of ideas that float through my head to write about, but do you think that I could ever remember them long enough to write them down?

Yeah, you guessed it. Not even close!

I wanted to share with you a prayer request though.

My dear friend Cindy has just lost her father.
She is struggling quite a bit, as you can imagine.

She is on her way to Tennessee to meet up with her brother and sister, and her daughter. She is driving about 3 hours today, and then will drive the rest of the trip tomorrow. The funeral is at 1pm on Friday. I don't know how long she will be down there, but she needs lots of prayer to get through it all.

She wrote a brief post about her dad HERE, and about how God showed such grace to her, by allowing her one last talk with her dad. It's worth the moment it takes to run over there and read it.

Hopefully by the end of this week things will be slow enough, and I will be feeling well enough to share a bit about a conference I went to last week, and some things God laid on my heart.

Until then,
God bless and thank you for your prayers on behalf of my friend, Cindy, and our sick family!

forever grateful....

You and I are alike in so many ways.
Yet, there are so many ways in which we are so unique.
That's what makes our friendship so exciting.
We get each other.
Understand each other.
We learn from each other, growing together.

God has orchestrated our meeting from eternity past.
God has knit our lives and hearts together in ways we don't even grasp.


We have walked through some pretty dark valleys together.

We have walked along some crazily steep paths together.

We have stood on the amazing mountain tops, gasping at the possibilities together.

You have upheld me, prayed for me, cried with me, danced on the streets with me, worshiped with me.

You have shared your life and heart with me. Opened your home as a haven to me. Talked with me for hours on the phone to help me through a horrible day. Known it was me calling, when I was crying too hard to even say hi. Laughed with me till we could hardly breathe, so hard we were in tears.... Stayed up late with me (even when you never, hardly ever, stay up late at all).

Slowly, as God has been growing me, I have felt like I should give something back...
As if I should repay...
But how can you repay something that was given freely?

Do you repay the gift of love, the gift of grace?

Can I repay God for His love, His grace?
Not really, that was a free gift.

Like your love to me.
Free and unrestrained.

So, I can't repay, but I can respond in kind.

I will share my life and my heart with you. I will open my home as a haven to you. I will stay on the phone with you for hours if you need me to help you through a horrible day. I will know it is you calling, even if you are crying too hard to say hi. I will laugh with you till I can hardly breathe, so hard I am in tears. I will stay up late with you (even if you never, hardly ever, stay up late at all).

I will uphold you.... using God's mighty Word.
I will pray for you.... and have been.
I will cry with you.... already have today.
I will dance on the streets with you.... as we see God answer prayers - even when it isn't the way we expect or might want.
I will worship with you.... worship our mighty King, who knows, so much more than we ever could, what is the best for us.

I will walk with you. I will ask the hard questions. I will listen to the hard questions you might have. I too, do not have all the answers, but I know the One who does.

He is the God of compassion, the God of all comfort.
He is Jehovah - Rapha, the God who heals.
He is our provider, our helper, our protector, our shield and shelter.

He is the One who has moved mountains.

He moved incredible mountains in my life.
He still is.

He can move this one too, for you.

When you hurt, I hurt...
But even more than that....

He hurts too. Jesus weeps with us. He sees every tear that falls. He hears us when we call, even when it doesn't seem like it.

He answered my pleas from years ago... prayers I prayed for 10 years....

God has orchestrated our meeting from eternity past.
God has knit our lives and hearts together in ways we don't even grasp.

I am forever grateful that He answered my prayers.

That He answered them with you.


Update:
Win a free copy of Scot McKnight's book, "The Real Mary: Why Evangelical Christians Can Embrace the Mother of Jesus." Interested? See L. L. Barkat's post, "Did I Really Pray That?"

Preparation...

Things are moving. I am getting my talks polished. I have cut about all I can and am praying what is left is what God wants me to say.... and that I am prepared to stay within the time limits. I am going to be practicing on and off all day tomorrow to see how well I can get off the paper as much as possible.

I have a friend staying with me on Friday night, and am going to employ her help in trying to figure out what I am going to be wearing. I want to look the business casual, and still be very comfortable, so that I am not distracted by hurting feet, etc, while I am trying to talk, or take notes, or anything else.

I talked with someone from my church today who is also going to She Speaks, and we shared our talks, she shared about the book proposal she is doing, and we talked about what we were worried about, anticipating. It was so good to talk with someone and get and idea of what they were thinking as well.

In all of these things though, there is one more big thing I can do to prepare. Besides my talks. Besides practicing. Besides packing and making lists.

Focus on my spiritual preparation.

I need to be praying for those in my evaluation group. For the other women coming from all over. For the Proverbs 31 team who is leading the conference. So many of them are leaving their families, with their ups and downs and struggles right now, to minister to us, and I am so astounded by all they are doing.

Just today, after I came home from going over things with the other woman from our church, I got hit. I mean, I started feeling sick. I was so exhausted I fell asleep in the hammock in our back yard while the kids played. I haven't felt like eating since lunch, just bleh.

After supper, as the kids were playing inside, before I went out with them, I felt my mood go "bleh" too. I started swinging down. I started struggling with depression. It just "hit" me. Praise God, I had the presence of mind to recognize the spiritual attack for what it was. There was no reason for me to be feeling that way. There was no thing that happened that could have brought my mood down. It just suddenly happened like a change of the wind.

I prayed. Prayed on the spiritual armor. Prayed for the Holy Spirit to come in behind and fill me to overflowing with the sense of God's love. It was just a few moments in prayer that I had, but it was enough time for me to become aware of the unseen, to bind the enemy, to pull on the armor and protection of God, and to trust myself into His care.

It is something I am going to have to be more aware of, and more deliberate, purposeful in doing each and every day.

I need to be prepared spiritually. I want to let God do in my heart what He wants, to get me ready for this conference, and for the things He would show me before I get there, while I am there, and as I come home back to my "normal" life.

I want my heart to be tender and teachable, and able to discern God's voice speaking to it, to me. I want my heart to be open and fertile ground for Jesus to plant the dreams and visions He has for me. I want my heart to beat with the passion of God for those around me, and for sharing the unique message He has given me to share.

Tomorrow I get an unexpected day to myself. I get to be with God, without kids or husband. I get to take the time out to spend time with Him. I am going to have to clean and straighten up around here, but that doesn't mean I can't do it with an attitude of worship, and with a listening heart.

Please pray for me as I head into tomorrow. Pray that I won't get distracted by the things to "do," rather that I would be able to focus on "being" with my dear Father.

That is the best preparation I could ever make.

Sap vs. maple syrup....

Over the next week, I will be intensively working on my talks for She Speaks. I need to organize them and focus them.

My small group leader prayed for me tonight. His prayer was exactly what I needed. The analogy he used was perfect. He said in his prayer for me, exactly what I had been thinking but didn't have the words for at the time.

Right now I have so much information and ideas....

......I need to go through the "sugaring process."

Sap comes out of the sugar maple tree, but can't be used directly on pancakes, it needs to be refined.

Boiled down.

Concentrated.

I have way too much information. The real message that I want to share, that I feel God leading me to share is getting lost in all the other stuff that is there. Maybe some of that other stuff is for me to learn, and store in my own heart for some other time.

But there is some stuff that I know is there for those who listen to me that weekend. There is some stuff that is for some others who might hear it before or after.

I need to spend this time organizing, straightening out, and clarifying what I already have written down.

More than that, I have to get concise. I have to boil off the water, and the impurities, to get down to the real, deep sweetness at the center of what God has given me to say.

I want to pure sweetness of God's word to be tasted. I want the Spirit to so speak through me, that no matter how my presentation actually goes, whether I get good "ratings" or not, God has been heard, using my voice as His instrument.

More than anything, I would love to have one person hear my testimony and see that God can heal and redeem anything, and can break the chains of bondage surrounding their heart. I want one person who hears my teaching talk to realize, not only in their head, but their heart that not one thing could separate them from the love of Christ, and that they are overwhelming victors in the middle of whatever junk they are going through... whether they feel it emotionally or not.

That would the message of each of my talks. Right there.

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Hmmm. That is under the time limits of 3 and 5 minutes.
You think that would fly?

No. Probably not.
Oh well, it was worth a try!

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But seriously. If I can take the scriptures I have and show those things, flesh them out some, and bring it back to the main point.

God's power in us brings us the victory.
His Spirit in us gives us the strength to stand in the midst of the pains and trials.
Nothing the world can throw at us will separate us from His love.

He redeems.
He saves.
He breaks the shackles binding us.

He sets us free to tell others of His wonderful deeds, and His reckless love for us.

That would be sweet!

The extra sap of overflowing thoughts and information boiled down to the pure, dark, sweet maple syrup of the truth of God active, through His Word, and in the lives of all of us.

gardening gloves...

I was so tired this past week from VBS I could hardly think about anything. It also was so hot here, I was hibernating inside as much as I could, in the air conditioning. When I did go outside, I was in the sun, and managed to give myself a really good sunburn. I finally started feeling less pain from it 4 days later!

I have barely been able to keep up with a few blogs, and with some writing I need to do on my speeches for She Speaks.

But this past Friday I was able to get together with my friend Cindy. We talked through the chapter of the book we are on, and then talked. A lot.

It was a wonderful time of sharing for both of us. We didn't have any time constraints or anything, so we were able to just relax and not feel rushed. I was able to share a song I was doing for special music at church... talk about our family's of origin... go out to lunch together and do a bit of shopping... and I was also able to share what I already have done with my talks. It helped to talk to her, because it gave me some good constructive feedback, and gave me an idea of what I have to work on.

Just being with her got my brain working and processing again. I mean, I could hardly string two thoughts together prior to Friday!

I was all worked up about church on Sunday, because our Wednesday night worship rehearsal didn't seem to go very well to me, and I felt like I really hadn't been together with the band very well, and I was the team leader. I also hadn't been practicing my music for special music very long, and didn't have that worked out well either.

Cindy reminded me that God is the one who fills me and will enable me to do all things.

Our VBS director came in on the third day of VBS and said that she had nothing left to give for the week. She was tired and done. She had been poking around in her garage before leaving the house, and found an old gardening glove and brought it in with her.

She said that she was that glove. The glove could do nothing on its own. It couldn't garden, it couldn't pull weeds, nothing. It wasn't until she put her hand inside, that it could do anything. She reminded us that we are all gloves. We can't do anything on our own. It's the Holy Spirit filling us that enables us to move or do anything.

When Cindy reminded me that Sunday was in God's hands, I told her about that glove analogy. It just fit right in with what we were talking about.

So, here is a question for you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?

Is there something that you are facing, that is coming up (like She Speaks, or any "one time" event) that you are feeling less than capable of? Is there something in your life, or the life of your family that is more than overwhelming?

God has given us His most precious gift in His Son, and in His Spirit, indwelling us. Whether you feel it or not, He is there. He is an untapped power source. The very power that raised Jesus from the dead is given to us.

Tap into that power. Tell God that you can't do this. That is all He is waiting for. For you, and me, to admit that we can't do it. Then He asks us to step aside and watch Him work.

When I was in VBS and said to Him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't possibly teach these children any music, God stepped in. His Spirit filled me to overflowing, and taught those kids the music, intervening with discipline as needed. I remember almost watching myself from a 3rd person perspective on Thursday and Friday, realizing that there was no way that was me doing that.

I realized this past week, as my brain finally started to function again, that God had totally blown apart a box I had put myself, and Him, in.

I said to myself that there was no way I could teach kids music, especially in a classroom setting. Even though I feel more freed up than ever about using my abilities in the area of music, I didn't even realize just how much of a strangle hold this lie had on me. I didn't even think it was a lie. It almost kept me from doing VBS at all... because up to this year, I didn't have to teach music in a classroom setting, I just had to teach the music in the openings and closings of VBS. This time I had a music rotation I was in charge of.

Now that VBS is done, and I saw what God did for me, and through me, something is radically different. That box, that LIE "I can't teach music to kids, and discipline and do the classroom thing," has been show false.... Well, and true in a way. By myself, no I can't teach music, etc. But through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, trusting in His strength, not just trying to make it on my own, I can.

I did.

When I realized that truth... that I am free to teach music, or do anything with music, I could hardly believe it.

I tried to share it with my small group this past week, and had a hard time putting it into words.

The best I have come up with yet is this.

The box is gone, and I am suddenly standing in this bright, open, sunny field. The sun is on my face, the wind in my hair, and I am waiting for God to show me which direction to start to walk. I know He has a specific ministry for me, beyond what I do now. I don't know what it is, or what it will look like. But I know that waiting in this place is good. I know He will continue to equip me for whatever it is. I know that He will continue to uproot the lies that are still buried deep.

Best of all, I know He is in me, with me, filling me with His Holy Spirit. It won't be me doing it, it will be Him.

So again, I ask you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?
Can you imagine yourself in that open field with me?
A world of possibilities before you?

Tell Him you can't do it. Verbalize it. Out loud. Then ask Him specifically to help you. He will. He will answer that prayer. He is answering it even now, though you may not know it or feel it.

Cindy home again

Cindy is home. Extremely tired, but home safely.

Thank you, thank you all who have been praying for me. Today is better. I am still tired. The fog is lifting some, though it is still dark.

I just wanted to add this update for all you. My dear friend Cindy just called me. She is on her way home from Tennessee!

Thank you so much for praying for her. She said that atmosphere there was just oppressive and was really hard to deal with. Her mom was very demanding, and just the family dynamics there were so difficult for her. She said she spent a lot of time in confession because she just got so angry.

She is exhausted, so pray that she will be able make it home safely. She said that she was up almost every hour during the night with her mom. She needs filling and renewing by God on her way home. I know she is enjoying her time in solitude driving.

Thank you for praying. She should be home around dinner time.
I will let you know when she gets home.