coming unraveled...

I still feel like I am coming unraveled. I don't know what is wrong with me.

My brain is just not making sense of this.

Wednesday night I fell apart at church. I was there for worship rehearsal, and retreated to a quiet room, because I could feel my anxiety and fear going up, and I as soon as I got in there, I blew. I started crying - sobbing - so hard that I couldn't control it at all.

I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere.



Yesterday, I got a lot accomplished at home, which felt good. But I was running all day. I kept my hands and mind busy with lots of other things, so I didn't think too much.

Last night, Cindy D. came over after dropping her son off at work in town. When she got here, I started a fire in our fire pit. Her son got off of work, only 2 hours after he started, but he walked over to our house and hung out with Dave watching a Dr. Who episode and generally having a good guy time, while Cindy D. and I had good "girl time" at the fire.

As we talked, all that I had repressed during the day started to surface. She could tell that I was starting to "break" and she started to pray for me......

and the tears came
and the sobs started

I doubled over in my chair, just aching and hurting with no real release from it. It helped some, but I just hurt more.

She prayed that God would take the wall down that I had built up, brick by brick, that I would be able to let the tears flow and release some of what I have been holding in. I guess I did, but my internal reaction to her prayer was to tell God no, and try to take the bricks and put them back up.

I'm not sure how long I cried, but it was well after sunset before I was a bit more composed, and the tears still came on and off the rest of the night. I was so blessed by Cindy D's presence with me. She stayed with me through all the tears, and the pain. I got back to a place of relative peace, compared to earlier in the day. I don't think I would have gotten there alone. I was tempted to go to other coping mechanisms if she hadn't been able to come over.

I didn't want to think or feel.

Through her presence and her prayers, I sensed God with me, and I didn't have any more energy to run from Him. I knew He had orchestrated it that she would be there last night, and that I would feel safe enough with her. He knew what I needed and provided it.

We both praise God that He has given us this friendship. Neither of us, a few months ago could have imagined that we would be sitting around a fire talking and praying together - or that I would find her "safe" enough to completely lose control in front of her.

Cindy D. mentioned at one point that she could tell just how raw I was.
Oh, I was so raw.... Everything was just "out there."
There was no way I could contain or hide how I was really feeling.

After Cindy D. left last night, I went back out to the fire for a bit more. I ended up on my knees, leaning my head on my arms on the seat of the other chair, sobbing again. It felt like the tears were never ending. I haven't been this raw in SO long.

Now, today, I am raw and aching too. I don't have anyone with me here tonight. I have the kids, but no other adult to relate to or to be with me through this day - and through this pain.

I have been in or near tears on and off all day.



I feel like there is more going on here than losing Henry and grieving this loss.

Angela said that she wondered if it triggered something deeper in me.

Cindy D. said that she really didn't feel comfortable with the idea of me not going back to see Tricia and canceling that appointment... even though Tricia had left it open ended.

I think after last night, both Angela and Cindy D. would stick by those thoughts and feelings.



I don't want to go back to church (on Sunday). I don't want to go back to work on Monday. I don't want to have anything to do with God right now, because He is opening up something and I don't know what it is and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

I want to run and stuff and forget. I don't want to feel this much any more. I know that's not healthy. I know that's not what God wants. I know that's going backwards. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I'm overwhelmed.

I feel like I can't even write coherently. Everything comes pouring out at once. I hope you can make sense of it.

My mind sure isn't making sense of it. I just don't get why Henry's death has affected me so much. I don't know why/if it would trigger something else. I feel dumb about going back to Tricia because I can't hardly put anything to words either here or in my journal. I don't understand, my brain can't wrap around what's gone on and what I am feeling.

It isn't logical. It doesn't make sense - and therefore, I guess most of me is saying that those emotions aren't valid.... whatever they are.

Yet, I still feel unraveled - like someone took a seam ripper and just tore me apart at all my seams. I feel like a stuffed animal that has been torn apart, all the stuffing and insides coming out.

I feel open and raw and exposed.
I don't feel safe or protected right now.

I need to feel safe and protected right now... and I feel like God isn't doing it right now, whether that's true or not, and so I want to protect myself instead of trusting.

It's just where I'm at.
Coming unraveled, ripped open, raw, exposed....

.... and scared.

Temper tantrum?

I think I am having a bit of a temper tantrum.

I HATE taking medication just to be able to think straight enough to type this, or to drive home!!

My anxiety is over-whelming me at the moment. I had to take something to calm down enough to get home without feeling sick to my stomach. Which has been happening all week....
... the being sick to my stomach part.

I have had bouts of nausea and thought it was a stomach bug. Then after it was still bad yesterday, on the advice of my doctor, I went to eat before I went back to work. I thought for sure I would get sick.

Imagine my surprise when I felt better!

That was when I knew that most of how I've been feeling physically is anxiety and depression related.

As I mentioned, I went to my doctor yesterday. We talked about all that has gone on with Henry passing away, and trying to deal with this "stuff" in the moment, and my relative numbness lately.

After talking for a while, he told me that if he increased my medications, or changed them, I wouldn't feel any different or get any benefit from them right now. He was very hesitant to change anything until I am out a little further from these events of the past few weeks.

Then he strongly suggested that I consider going to a counselor again.

Interestingly enough, as I had pulled into the parking lot yesterday, I found myself wondering if that was something that I should do, or when I would know it was the right time. Then I dismissed it with the thought that my doctor would know when it was time and that he would tell me what he thought.

Little did I know that I would hear what he thought in the next half hour.

Counseling again.

Well, I got back to work from my appointment. After getting something to eat, as requested. As I worked through the afternoon, I found that I was actually getting something accomplished, which was more than I had hoped for earlier in the day. When I got up that morning it was all I could do to get out of bed.

I eventually called my friend Cindy. I told her how the appointment went. And what my doctor had said about counseling.

After talking for a bit, she weighed in with her opinion. She thought it was a good idea, and reminded me that she is going to be gone for this whole next month. I'm not going to have her readily available to talk to, even though she will have her cell phone with her. She urged me to make the call.

I got off the phone and continued to work.

Then I got a call from my other friend, Cindy D. (Yes, there are two of them now.... so this "new to you" Cindy, will always be Cindy D. just to keep them straight!!!) :)

Anyway, as Cindy D. opened the conversation with me, she asked how I was doing.

Point blank, I responded, "I don't even know how to answer that question anymore."

It's the truth. I am depressed. I know that. But that's about all I know. I am frustrated with myself. I am anxious, to the point of almost having panic attacks. Other than that, I just don't know what to say. At all.

She wasn't put off by that, thankfully. She and I talked for a while, and I know she was treading carefully because she didn't want to step on my toes, or make me uncomfortable as this is a new friendship. But she was very kind and gracious. When I finally "broke" and told her about my doctor's appointment and his strong suggestion... she said to me that she agreed with him too.

We talked for a while longer, and she encouraged me a lot. She has been through some things in her past that helped her to recognize what I was going through and where I am at, whether I am able to describe it or not. To use her words, I am in shock still from Henry's death, and denial too, I suppose.

Did you know me, the empathy person, who can just about cry with anyone, can't cry now? I have wanted to. Felt the lump in my throat. Nothin's there. And the pressure's building.

Cindy D. was such an encouragement to me that after we got off the phone, I paced the church. I know that doesn't sound encouraging... but for me it was. I paced and came back to my office. I got up and paced some more. Came back and answered a couple of phone calls and tried to do some more work.

Then got up and paced some more.

Finally I found myself in the sanctuary, where I think God had wanted me all along.

I paced in there too.
I talked out loud. About calling a counselor. About what I should do. How logical it would be to go to one. How logical it would be to NOT go to one.

I kept pacing through the rows of chairs, keeping one eye on the sky cause a storm was coming.

I came back to my office and computer. Sat down. Then jumped up. It wasn't because of the clap of thunder that came then, I couldn't sit still.

I was pacing in the sanctuary again, and finally stopped and faced the front. Then I talked to God a bit, and felt like He was pressing on me to make the call.

I walked back to my office and with shaking hands dialed a number that I haven't called in over a year and a half.

"Charis Counseling, may I help you?"
"Um, yeah, I think. This is Heather Kudla. I used to be a patient of Tricia, and was wondering if she might have an opening for a new patient, well, for me in her schedule."
"She sure does, let me just pull your name back up..."

And so the conversation continued.

When I hung up, I had an appointment.

With Tricia. The same person I saw before. On Monday night.

Do you know what my Monday is going to look like?!?!

To get to this appointment, I have to leave work early, race home to the farm to get the kids and bring them into town for swimming lessons. Dave's mom is going to meet me there on her way through from work, and "take over" for me at the lessons, and I am going to race from the swimming pool, back up to Wausau for my appointment.... by 6pm.

This is totally nuts. I am traveling a half hour to spend a half hour with the kids before I turn back around and drive a half hour back into town.

I'm tempted to cancel, but if I did it would be another 2 weeks before I could get in to see her.

Oh, it will be good to see Tricia and get caught up. But I didn't want to get caught up in a counseling office, but rather over a cup of coffee or something, in a setting where we could be friends, not a counselor/client relationship.

Both my Cindy's reminders though keep coming back. I may just need this one appointment to have her help me get back on track. I may need more too. I don't know. I don't know anything.

I just know I haven't ever lost someone close to me. I have never gone through a grieving process in "real time" close to the source of the grief. I don't know what to expect. I fear my emotions, and when they might pop out, or what they might be like when they do.

I guess I need someone with counseling experience and the tools to really help me, walk through this with me.

Maybe that "temper tantrum" I mentioned at the beginning of my post really wasn't that at all. Maybe it was a bit of anger at the situation I am in, and at how I'm dealing with it, and how I'm relating to God through it too.

I still hate taking medication to calm down, but at least now I don't feel as sick to my stomach. And at least now, I have been able to write for the first time in a long while.

I have even found that I can't journal. It's been hard not having my writing. Things have piled up, I have a lot to do for work, and then a lot to do with my family. Writing has taken a back seat.

Thank you for bearing with me as I have vented.
Maybe my next post will be a bit more organized.
Maybe.
I'm not making any promises!

Joy, boundaries, and brokenness

I have made a friend in the course of the past couple of months. She is a new believer and gone through some things in her life that have been very difficult. God is slowly changing her thought patterns, and freeing her from her past.

It has been amazing to see the growth in her in just the past couple of months. And that in nothing compared to the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.

To top it all off, she is a single mom of a 16yr old boy. Up to this point, this young man has seen that his mother is "light" and he was "dark" (as he put it in the words he knew).

Very perceptive.

He has had a friend that goes to our church... that he goes to school with. He slowly over the last 4 months or so, would occasionally ask his mom about God. He was willing to listen sometimes, and was glad for her, but it wasn't for him.

The friend that he goes to school with - well, they just became really good friends this year. My friends son, well, just thinks he is awesome, and finally found out that his friend went to our church.

This friend invited him to our youth group 3 weeks ago. He loved it! Then he came to church with his mom and his friend and friend's family. He stayed for the community group/sunday school time after church. He loved it!

He got his first bible from his friend. He started reading it right away!

Last week, he went to youth group again with his friend. Our associate pastor, who helps lead the youth group, spoke very strongly about the importance of making a decision for Christ, especially in the light of Haiti - and you never know when.

Pastor strongly urged the youth to not leave the building that night without knowing where they were going.

My friend's son grabbed Pastor Brad a bit later, and said he wanted to know more about this salvation thing. Pastor Brad grabbed his friend, and the two of them led this young man to the Lord.

Now my friend and her son are both "light." She has her son back, knowing he is Christ's now, and they are learning and growing together. He even came to church this past week, when his mom was working.

God is SO good. What an amazing change! We are still celebrating how God has worked in their lives.

Anyway....

God gave me and my new friend the chance to talk this week... I wasn't too busy at work, and the phone didn't ring too much while we were talking.

He has been helping her draw some boundaries in her life, because she hasn't really known how to do that before. Slowly God is maturing her, not only in relationship with Him, but also growing her emotionally out of where she was stuck for so long.

We have gotten to know each other pretty well in the past couple of months. Especially in the last 4 weeks or so, we have spent some good time together, and shared quite openly.

I had been aware her boundary issues, so it was in the back of my mind, as we grew to know each other... and I was aware of it because I too used to have boundary issues. I still do in some ways, and there are old tapes that play in my head, and I am having to learn new boundaries with my job now.

As we talked this week, she shared how over the past week she had really been struggling and didn't know why. But God finally revealed why to her. She said that she really needed to draw some boundaries for herself. She was realizing that she was starting to slide down a "slippery slope" as she called it. She needed to back off and start over in our friendship. More slowly, instead of jumping in so quickly to getting to know each other. There is much more there, but that is all I am free to share here.

I apologized for calling so much and kind of pushing myself on her - offering to go for coffee or a meal two weeks in a row besides seeing her at church and our small group.

It was a good conversation. I came away from it really feeling ok about it.

After my long weekend at the church, I left a bit early from work on Tuesday. I headed home and was able to spend some time with God. Our senior Pastor had talked about the benefits of self-examination this past Sunday. Without realizing it, that is exactly what I did that afternoon. I spent time before God and sought His guidance and light to shine on anything that I might have done wrong, so that I wouldn't do it again.

Finally, I slept for a bit. Had a rough night's sleep that night, and went to work the next day. Just over the course of the day, through our women's retreat meeting that afternoon, I just became so aware of what the enemy was trying to do, among the leaders, among the women attending, to keep them from coming, to hinder their time at the retreat.

At about 4pm, Wednesday I got the church to myself. Everyone had left early to eat and rest up for the night of youth, AWANA, etc. I wandered my way into the sanctuary.

There I kind of had a melt down. I am ashamed to say that God revealed pride in my heart towards my relationship with my friend. What arrogance! And what childishness too, in the way I was reacting within myself to our conversation from the day before.

I can "defend" myself by saying it seemed to tap into some old insecurities and rejections, and that was part of what I was reacting to. But God just took the time to reveal areas that I hadn't been honoring Him in.

I repented and spent significant time at the foot of the cross in there. Seeking forgiveness. Interceding for the women coming on the retreat. Interceding for my friend. Seeking wholeness and healing for myself. Asking God to fill the emptiness and help lift my depression, rather than me seeking relief in other people, other things, etc.

I spent a great deal of time in tears before God. Broken. Again. And how fitting considering that our retreat has that theme!

Yesterday really was a pretty good day, but the closer I got to the evening, and to small group where I would see my friend, I got more nervous.

It was silly really. I mean, we would see each other, but there would be others around, and it would be easier for us to step back from each other within that context.

As I got there, we talked around the table during our meal, and I was able to share how much I felt the retreat really was under attack, and that each of us involved or going were under attack too.

I found it hard to look at my friend when I was talking, at least when she was looking back - I don't know, I just was so unbalanced feeling. Not because of anything she did, not because of anything really that we had talked about.

The more I look back on it, it just really felt like my emotions and thoughts weren't clear. I feel now, looking back that it was all a haze last night. I hardly remember the beginning part of the evening... at least not the details.

I feel like I didn't handle anything well at all, and am afraid that I made my friend even more uncomfortable, and that I need to apologize to her. Anything that I did last night had nothing to do with her, or how she treated me, or that she had spoken with me. It had everything to do with me.

I hope and pray that it doesn't affect her coming to small group, coming to the retreat - anything.

I mean, I suppose that I should expect all this unsettledness, prior to the retreat. I got some good work done on the worship for the weekend yesterday morning. I feel more ready. I also get this coming Tuesday off so that I can spend more time in preparation.

As you can see - I still really need prayers.
I need balance in relationships.
I need clear guidance from God.
I need wisdom in speaking with my friend, to apologize to her.

I need that broken, contrite, and humble heart that God will not despise.

I need my thoughts and emotions to line up with God's truth, not the lies the enemy is throwing at me.

I also need to trust that my pouring out my heart here won't be misinterpreted... or hurtful to anyone else.

So, today is a mix of joy for my friend and her son, who gets to tell his story, and his testimony this Sunday in front of church, as a God at work... and a mix of sadness, depression, and brokenness.

So this post ends up being that mix as well. I am praying that even in the midst of the turmoil that I can find God's joy and God's peace.

And some heat in this house! (It is -6 outside right now, and our infloor heating can't keep up with the leaky windows we have here!!!!! Shiver... but I'm so grateful for the heat that we do have!!)

May you also find that joy and peace.