Another faith-step...

Yesterday I walked into Tricia’s office.

She asked how things were for me, and realized we hadn’t seen each other for a month, so she wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.

I explained that the first reason I had canceled my appointment two weeks prior was that I found my schedule out of control and I just couldn’t figure out how to manage things that day, so counseling had to go.  She more than understood and applauded my choice of letting go of the things I had to in order to keep things manageable.

Then I shared with her what I had bubbling inside me all day.

I said that this was going to be my last appointment with her.

She started to smile and asked me why, and so I shared some of the things that have been going on in the past few weeks.  The amazing changes God has been making in my life and my heart.

We took all of my scheduled appointment to talk about what had been going on.  We also talked a lot about some other things, some other loose ends that needed to be tied up.

As our time drew to a close, Tricia prayed for me, and then on her own time, shared some ministry opportunities that God has given her a passion for.  She also shared how hard it had been for her to concentrate during our session and how weighted down she had felt, still felt.  I told her that I would be praying for her, and she thanked me.  She said that she wasn’t “begging” for prayers, but anytime I thought of her, to pray for her, and for the “things that take place here,” indicating the office --- the whole of Charis Counseling.

It was a wonderful time of fellowship.  It was also very good because she was able to give me some advice in a few areas that I needed it still. 

I know now it is going to be hard not to see her anymore, yet at the same time, I am ok with that.  Yes, I am going to miss her.  She has been such a blessing to me.  The law required that there be 2 years between our last counseling session and when we can have contact again, outside a counselor/client type of relationship.  She told me to call her in two years.  So, I look forward to that day.  But I am also trying to be realistic in realizing that I may very well have to go back and see her again as her client.

I am hoping, with the many issues and roadblocks I have worked through with her, and with all the things that God has done, I won’t need to though.

I know I am going to have to live with depression for now.  That isn’t something that I have felt like God said He’d take away.  But, controlling it with medication, and taking care of myself makes a big difference in how it affects me.

And, I am ok with that.

Yeah, it’s not always a fun prospect to look forward to, but I know that medication helps, and for now, I am ok with the fact that I will need to stay on it for a while.  For sure, I know that the anti-depressant helps clear my head and make it easier for me to process things and deal with just even the daily stresses.  When I haven’t taken it, or not taken it regularly, it has been very hard to concentrate and focus on what I need to.

I am happy right now, and fully aware that God brought me to this place, to this decision, and He has got me.  I also know that at some point, I will need to grieve not seeing Tricia anymore.  It will eventually sink in, but that’s ok too.  It’s a loss of a friendship for a time, really.  But there is an end goal in sight. 

Between now and then, God has got a lot for me to do.

He has a lot to teach me.

He has a lot for me to learn and then teach to others.

As a short aside, last night was one of those nights where He used something I had learned but He had revisited with me.

Marina has been sick for nearly the past month.  She has been coming out of her room 2 or more times a night claiming to be having bad dreams and being scared in her room.  Saturday night though pushed me over the edge.  She was up 5 times coming into our room.  As I am closest to the door, she kept coming to me.

I first fell asleep at midnight.

Marina came in at:

1am

3am

3:30am

4:30am

5:30am

To say the least, the last time she came in, I was less than thrilled.  Dave mumbled in his sleep not to be too harsh with her and then started snoring again (we laugh about it now, but I could have killed him then!!!!)

Sunday night, she stayed at the farm so I could sleep.

Last night, God reminded me that sometimes reading the Bible before bed was the best thing I could do for myself.  So, though it got the kids to bed a bit later, I spent some time reading to her and Peter.  First the book of John, then Joshua (where God tells him not to be afraid, that He would be with him wherever he went), and finally I ended back up in the Psalms.  Psalm 139.  I read it out of the New International Readers Version, because it helped explain it to her a little better. 

The more I read, the more she settled down.  When I reminded her that she had asked Jesus into her heart, she cried, “Yes I did, but He didn’t stay there!”  Well, I can relate to that feeling.  Can’t you?

Eventually she laid out on the bed, her chin in her hands, soaking up what I was reading.  Before, she had been clinging to me, shaking at the idea of going to bed.

When I eventually prayed with the kids, I prayed through the very scriptures that I had read to them.  Then I gave Marina a warning.  I told her that if she came out in the night, she had one time for me to tuck her back in.  Otherwise she was going to have to tuck herself back in.

Two minutes after leaving the room, she was back outside saying she was scared.  I told her that it would be easier to tuck herself back in then when it was still light in the living room, but she wanted me to tuck her back in.  So I did, and reminded her that was it.

This morning, I woke up and realized that she hadn’t gotten me up once in the night.

I think it was a combination of me coming down a bit harder and letting her know she wasn’t getting away with coming out of her room all the time anymore, and very intentionally reading the Bible with her before bed.

There is power in the spoken Word.  That is what God has been teaching me.  There is power there that many times we don’t tap into.

Last night, God gave me the opportunity to tap into it, and to also teach it by example to my kids.

Another step in the right direction.

Another learning experience.

I am crossing the Jordan River into my promised land.  I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t know what giants I will have to face, but I know it is a better land than the one I have come out of.  I don’t want to return there, to my Egypt. 

Praise God for another faith-step, following after Him!

On the road… walking with Jesus… 

...that takes one faith-step after another.

The push and pull...

This tendency I have to just resist God isn’t just resisting him.  Resisting Him the way I am is a sin… it’s out and out disobedience.  Not doing what God wants us to do {disobedience} is a sin.  I can’t get around it any other way.

I know what God wants me to do.  I want to do it, and find ultimate healing in the process.  At the same time there is this part of me that is digging in and hunkering down.  There is this push and pull inside me between what I want to do and what I should do.  What I know is right, and what I willfully want to do.

What I am really doing is hardening my heart against God.

Good grief! 

I mean look at what God did to the Israelites!  Even though we are under the new covenant now, can I possibly think that God might let me get away with outright hardening of my heart against what He is wanting me to do?

It’s not like He’s wanting me to do anything that is some huge feat.  He wants me to take care of myself so that I can heal.

Simple.

Straight forward.

Self-Care.

If I don’t take care of myself, my mind and my emotions and my spirit are not going to be able to heal the way they need to.

Eating.  Yes, I am having problems with food.  It started with really being sick every time I tried to eat because I was so emotionally upset by some things that started flooding in.  I got to the point in the past month where really I have been eating one small meal a day, cause that’s all I have been able to force myself to do.  Now I am finding that I don’t want to eat.  I get hungry, but feel better when my stomach is empty than when I eat.  I mean I eat when I have to, but when I do, my stomach still feels sort of upset, and doesn’t take very kindly to it.

I did talk to my counselor about, so she knows.  Tricia said to me that for a while you can control the food, but soon it takes over and you find that it’s controlling you.  I know I have to be careful here with this.  I don’t want to get even more unhealthy and go backwards rather than forward.  But at the same time, I am still struggling with the letting go that I need to do.

My meds.  Yes, I am still struggling with this too.  I have been fiddling with my anti-depressant, exactly what I tell others not to do.  Yet I take it one day, and skip a day or two, then take it another day or so, and skip another day or so… and on it goes.  Again, not the way I should be taking care of myself, not the way I would want my friends to take care of themselves.

Those are the main two areas that I am struggling with.  I talked about both of them with Tricia yesterday.  She asked me, focusing in more on the medication at the moment, why I wasn’t taking it.  It took me a long time to answer her, but finally I came up with a couple of things.

The first was that it was something I could control.  Like I am saying to God, “Ok, you can have there and there, but I am going to control this here and this one over here.”  Then I perceive that I have some control somewhere in my life, when other things seem so out of control.  That perception of control makes the swirling of the storms that come around me from time to time, seem less scary and out of control.

The other was that I feel like I don’t really deserve to take the medications that will make me feel better, almost as a punishment for the things that happened in the past.  I don’t deserve to eat because I did such things, and allowed such things, and I am worthless, not worth saving, and helpless, and the only thing there is despair and on and on and on the lies go. 

See, I even know they are lies. 

I am leading the Bible Study, “Believing God” and I still am struggling with believing, actively believing God that I am who He says I am, that He can do what He says He can do, including heal me from my past and present, protect me in the future, forgive and redeem me.

But how much of my struggle is just simple rebellion, plain and simple hardening of my heart against the truth of God?

How much do I have to go through before I finally give in?

I have moments (like on Sunday) where I let down the walls.  Moments where I let God control.  Moments where I feel the freedom of that release and submission.

But they don’t last long, and I find myself wrapped back up in the same old thought patterns.

Even when I am trying to fill my mind with the truth, even when I am getting support and prayers and encouragement from others, going to counseling, working through a Bible study to keep me closer to Him, there is this stubborn core of me that feels like a little kid. 

You know that kid.

The one who closes her eyes, plugs her ears, and yells “La, la, la, I can’t hear you….”

That’s what I feel like is part of me inside.

I don’t know to reach out to that little girl and pull her hands away from her ears and hold her and hug her and let her know that God isn’t going to hurt her.  That He just wants to love her and lead her into her Promised Land. 

To get to my Promised Land, I need to stop looking back and look ahead to the future land that is coming to me.  Yes, it may seem to be filled with giants and scary and too big and too much.  However, God is with me.  He is walking with me.  I have to keep on stepping out in faith and purpose to follow Him no matter what.

I’m not sure that I’m willing.  Willing to let go.  Willing to face the surrender, the lack of control.

It means freedom. 

That freedom means open armed, open handed surrender and submission to God.  I need to throw open my arms and stop protecting my heart and putting up walls between me and my God.

Oh God, break this hard heart of mine.  Make me willing to be willing.  Change my heart, renew my mind.  Break through this hard shell I have built up and help me to move forward again, and not go backwards any more.  Because you know, even as I pray this that part of me is still trying to plan how to hang on to what I want to hang on to.  My will, my desires, my ideas are what need to get torn down, because they are becoming such idols in my life that I find myself only serving you half-heartedly.  Bits and pieces.  Here and there.  Once in a while, as I listen to you and decide to do what you want in that instance.  I don’t want to live like that any more.  I hate the push and pull in my heart.  I hate the tug of war that I am feeling between doing what you want and doing what I want.  I hate knowing what I should do, and the exhaustion of try to fight myself, fight through the junk to do it.  What is holding me back, God?  What is keeping me from progressing and healing as fast as I did last time, as Tricia noted?  What is stopping me from working as hard as I used to, to get healed?  Because You know I can’t keep on going this way much longer.  You know that I finally agreed to have Tricia hold me accountable to taking my medications.  You know that I finally agreed to eat two meals a day, even if they are small and that Cindy is going to hold me accountable to that.  You know that I want to take the right steps.  But you know that I don’t at the same time.  There is such opposition and fear, that I know isn’t from You.  God, You know what I need better than I do myself.  Help me to let go and let You and find the incredible paradox of freedom in submission to Your authority.

Letting go... surrender

How do I write out what's in my heart when I don't know what's there?

How do I try to express myself, when I feel numb?

How do I take care of myself the way I am supposed to?

I don't want to eat.

I'm afraid to sleep cause of the bad dreams.

My stomach flips and flops at the thought of food.

I struggle with having to take the meds I need.

I don't want to take them.

Obviously I am not doing well today.

I actually am better than yesterday.  Sunday evening I cried till I was nearly sick.  Then calmed down a bit and did some writing in my journal. Then cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday I got to work, sat in the sanctuary for a bit and tried to pray, and just sobbed some more.

Today.  No tears.  Nothing.  I feel flat.  Maybe that is a good thing.

I have to go see Tricia on Thursday afternoon for my appointment with her.  I just am, well scared to go I guess.  Because I don't want to face the junk that is there from that letter I wrote.

I keep on reading today things that talk about how only God can fill our empty places.  How we need to let go of control of things, because God has it all already.  How it's through the hardest times that the most worthwhile things come.

I know all that in my head.  My heart doesn't get it.  Maybe I do believe that God should punish me for all that I did wrong.  I think I do believe that I deserved what I got, and that I don't deserve any better.

I should get mad at the enemy for using something so awful like that to affect me for so long.  But in reality, all I have been able to do is get mad at myself and beat myself up more. 

A friend asked me, what am I running from?  Why am I trying to sabotage myself by not doing my part in caring for myself until my appointment?  She said that maybe that would be something to focus on until the appointment rather than what is coming.

The problem with that is, I think I am running from God because I know He is going to "make" me face what I don't want to.  (Not that He will force me to, but once I get into Tricia's office, I know I am going to go ahead with it, because that's who I am and how I'm wired)  I don't want to face the lies... because seeing the truth up next to them is so extremely painful.

How can the truth be so painful?
Or is that just a perspective thing?
Probably the lie is what is so painful, and the enemy is twisting it to make me think the truth is the painful one.... I don't know.

Why am I sabotaging myself?  I don't know for sure.  Maybe as a backhanded way of punishing myself for my part in the relationship?  Maybe I am listening to the lies too much - the lies that are shouting in my head that I'm not worth it, not worth anything.  That I'm just a piece of junk, and that I don't deserve my husband and my kids and don't deserve to be happy.

I know that those are lies, but I can't seem to get myself beyond them.  In Deuteronomy 7:6 (I'm going to personalize it and paraphrase it) It says that God chose me to be His.  To be his treasured possession.  I keep on bumping into that scripture everywhere I turn in the last week.

I read it, and it jars something in me.  It goes contrary to everything I'm feeling and thinking.  I know its the truth.  So I suppose it's bumping up against the lies that are perpetuating my feelings and thoughts.

When I'm where I am at right now (and I've been here before) I feel like all my strength is gone.  Which means the only way I am going to be able to move forward is if God takes the steps for me.  Because I sure can't right now.

No.  I am not saying I want to die.  I am not down that far yet (I don't think) but I sure would love to curl up somewhere and not have to deal with anything or anyone for a good long time.

Isolation

Insulation

Neither are very good for me right now.  But it's where I'm at.

Also, its hard right now because a good friend, who's been a good source of encouragement, and also someone I have been able to help and encourage too, needs a bit of space.  Oh how the enemy tries to use our weaknesses against us, and give things a stir!

This time, I think God may have given things a stir instead, before the enemy could.  I think it is protection.  That's what I had been praying for in our friendship.  Protection and God's will.  Now I am praying it is His protection and that our friendship will endure.

I don't know what the next few weeks are going to look like.  How do I respond?  How much, or when, can I call, or email her?  I know she needs her space to deal with some major stuff she is going through.  But I hate the unknown.  I want to know what it's going to look like in the next few weeks.  How uncomfortable are we going to be with one another?  How do I know when it's ok to call and see how she's doing and make sure she's safe?

I know God's got it.  I know that He love me.  He loves her.  So I know that He has it all under control.  I'm just trying to let go.

Let go.

Of another thing.

Right now, all I feel I can control is my eating, meds, my sleeping... and even that stuff I can't completely control.

Because God is asking me to let go of that stuff too.  To let go and let Him work.  I need to surrender to His will, His way, His timing.  When I try to rush things or slow things down, I know I make things worse.  It's a proven pattern if I look back at my history.

I know I will eventually cave in to what God wants.  I will do what He is asking me to, because everything is going to be pretty miserable if I don't.

So the struggle continues.  My will or His?  My way or His?  My "truth" or His?

Am I going to finally learn to let go and stop fighting Him?  How long does it have to take before I finally stop beating my head against brick walls?!

I guess it's one situation at a time.  I am going to need to try to figure out how the heck to let go and surrender.  Let go of this friendship, stop worrying about her and how she is doing and let God protect and care for her.  Surrender the friendship to God and pray for her rather than worry about her.  Praying is active.  Worry just eats me alive.  I am going to have to let go and surrender to let God heal me too.  I need to stop fighting the healing process.

I guess that is what I am doing right now.  I ask God to change me and show me and lead me and guide me to His next for me.  Then the feelings of being out of control wash over me as change comes, and I start digging in my heels.  I want to cling to what I know.... even if it's not good for me.

I have to let go.

Believe the truth.

Let go of the lies.

Trust my God.

Turn and face the pain.

The only way out of the pain is to face it.

Face it?  Yeah.  About that.  Don't want to.  It hurts bad enough as it is.  But God wants me to let go of the hurt.  He wants me to let Him take my fingers off it, bit by bit, let Him see it, wash it out and heal it.  The longer I hang onto it, the worse the scar will be in the end.

The pain is nearly unbearable as I lay myself out on the alter.  I know.  I have done it before.  God doesn't demand me to, He just asks in a gentle whisper if I trust Him enough to let go.

Let go and let Him.

Right now I see nothing but brick walls.  Walls that I had started to take down in trust, that I am throwing back up as quick as I can.  Walls that have been there for years, concealing fearful things I refused to look at.  Walls that God is wanting to take down a piece at a time to redeem the things behind them.  Walls covering wounds.  Walls that I keep beating my head against, getting nowhere at all.

Thursday - I have to let go of my control and let God take those walls down.  If I don't, I am not going to be able to breathe freely.

I'm scared.
I'm hurting.
I'm in such pain, it almost doesn't hurt to hurt myself more.

Does that make sense?

God, help me let go.  Help me see the hope on the other side of this mess.  Help me see You for who You really are.  Help me believe you.  Not just IN you, but believe you.  Believe that I am who you say I am and You are who you say you are, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I don't feel strong.  I feel weak and broken and out of control.  Help me somehow start to do something right for myself... to treat myself as Your treasure... even if I don't feel I am.  Help me to start taking care of myself so that I have the strength to face the things you want me to on Thursday afternoon.  Help me surrender.

hope...

Yesterday was an extremely hard day.  I didn't know how hard it was going to be as I was driving in to work.

I wish I could have taken a picture of all the trees, bushes, and even weeds and grass that stuck out from under the snow.  They were covered with frost.  Every last one of them, all over them... just white and perfect as could be.

I marveled at it all the way to work, and just from that felt God speaking the word "hope" to me.  I didn't know why, but there it was. 

I had been working on a "no send" letter to this man in my past who abused me and caused me a lot of pain.  Tricia had asked me if I would write it last week at our appointment, and I almost said no to her.  I told her I didn't think I could... but by the end of the appointment, I finally agreed that I would try.

Tricia said that one of the things I should try to do is identify the anger.  Because there is anger there, but I just don't know where it is or how to get at it.  That's why she wanted me to write - because it was a healthy and safe outlet for my anger.

So I had been working on the letter on Monday, on and off as I did other work around the office.  I got to a point where it was past my normal work hours and I just sat in one of the offices, in a recliner that was in there and continued to write.  I had to stop by 6pm because I had to go and pick up my kids.

Once they were in bed that night, I sat in my bed with my computer and continued to write the letter.  It was so hard.  I found myself remembering things that I hadn't before, images were coming into my head that I was so disgusted at.  I have been feeling so dirty and ashamed.

Yesterday, I had some time at work again, because I was the only one in the office and I was waiting for some newsletter articles to be emailed to me.  I worked on the letter on and off, needing to take breaks and work on other things in the meantime, to walk away from the stress the letter was putting on me.

At about 2:30, one of my friends called me before an appointment to see how I was doing.  As I shared what I was going through as I was trying to write it, it was all I could do to keep from having a panic attack.  She could tell there was a lot of panic there, and talked with me a bit until I calmed down some.  She then asked me if the words kept flowing as I was writing.  I told her they were.  But I just wanted to stop.  It was too hard, and too ugly, and to disgusting to me.  I was nearly sick to my stomach and hadn't been able to eat anything cause it made me nauseous every time I thought about food.

She said that I knew myself better than she did, so to take what she suggested with that in mind, but she strongly suggested that I keep on writing and get it all out, purged out of my system.  She said that she would pray for me before she went in to her appointment and then that she would stop by when she was done.

In the meantime, after collapsing on the couch in the office I was working in, in tears and exhaustion, I sat back down at my computer and reluctantly started to type again.

The next time I looked up was through tears as I saw my friend walking into the building out of the corner of my eye.  When she came through the door of the office, I saved my file and closed the computer and nearly dropped it on the floor next to me.

She asked how far I had gotten and I said that I was at page 8 or 9, I don't remember now.  Then she asked how I was doing. 

I just shuddered at first.
Then I was able to start expressing how I was feeling.

I feel dirty.  Used.  Worthless.  Afraid to look anyone in the eye for fear that they will be able to read me like an open book, that they will be able to see the dirtiness that is so apparent to me.  I feel like I am covered in such filth, inside and out, and there is no getting clean.

Those feelings are still there, which is why I put them in the present tense.  Now they aren't as strong, and the feelings are more controllable.  At least today so far.

We talked some more, and she encouraged me, out of her own experiences, the way I have in the past for her.  She cried with me, knowing first hand the pain I was going through.  She encouraged me to try to find something, anything to eat.  Anything that sounded good.  To take care of myself and be gentle with myself.

Prefacing what she had to say again with the idea that I know myself better than she does, she encouraged me to stay here at the church where it was quiet and I was alone, where I felt safe, and keep on writing, as much as I could.

She prayed with me, for me, then got up and gave me a big hug.  We stood in the office facing each other and I couldn't look her in the eyes.  I tried to pull myself together a little bit, and she said to me that I was going to get through this, and that God had made me a strong woman.  I started to cry again and said that I didn't feel like it, and she said she knew, that's why she said it.

As she left she told me that she would keep on praying for me... and to call her later if I needed to.

I sat back down, cried and continued to write until some people started coming in to do some work in the building, and then I packed up and went home to get the kids and finish out my night with them.  Once they were in bed, I managed to eat a couple of eggs and some toast.  It sat very heavy, but at least it was something.

Then, reluctantly I sat back down on my bed, with my laptop and opened up the letter once again.

When I finally finished writing, I was only 400 short of 10,000 words... and came in at about 15 pages.  The exhaustion I felt was total.  I ached, my eyes burned from staring at the computer screen so long and from crying.  My head hurt and my stomach rolled... and I had run out of words finally... and many emotions had poured themselves out through those words.

I saved the letter to my hard drive, and closed up the computer.  Without moving from my bed, though it was almost 11pm, I called my friend.  She got on the phone, knowing it was me, and I just said... "I finished it."

She was so glad for me, though I couldn't be.  I still am not... though there is a bit of relief that I haven't had to open up that document today at all.

We talked a bit, I cried some more, and she just let there be long silences in the conversation as I needed it.  I was shaking and cold and sweating all at the same time.

Before we got off the phone she reminded me to treat myself gently the rest of this week, because I needed to take care of myself.  She said whether that was a bubble bath, sleeping in late, eating whatever sounded good to me, trying to get to bed early, making sure I took my meds so I didn't flip out more because of that.... whatever it took.

She also predicted that if I put on some quiet worship music, that I would probably be asleep in 15 minutes or so, because of how drained, how tapped out I was.

She was sure right about that!

I slept, and don't remember too much about my dreams, though I know I had some, and I was very restless.

Today I got into work and sat in the sanctuary.  I just sat there and cried and talked to God and cried some more.  I tried to just rest in His arms, in His love.

I finally managed to pull myself together because the secretary was coming into the building and started my day.  I worked piece by piece on the things that God laid before me for the day.  They were simple things, and things I could control, unlike my emotions or my stomach.

At some point in the day, my friend dropped off her son at church to work on a youth project, and she stopped to see me in the office before she left.  We talked for a while, and she told me that she could tell I was doing better.  I think she is right.  I feel more stable now than I was yesterday.  I had attainable goals today (including finishing and printing the newsletter - that just finished printing behind me as I type) and I was able to keep focused on those for the most part.

My emotions are still all over, and I need to spend some time with God, another way to be gentle with myself, and nurture myself a little bit.  Because right now, being close to God is scary to me, because though I know He sees everything that's going on, when I get closer, well... He sees everything that's going on.

(I know... I know)

Before I go though, I have to share what happened just before I started writing again yesterday afternoon.  I looked across the room, out the window and realized that sitting on the window ledge was a little plaque... it was just the carved out letters.... "hope"

I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture of it and got it as the background on my phone.  That way, every time I look at my phone, there it is... to remind me that there is always hope... even when I don't see it.

I would upload it here for you, but for the life of me, I don't know how to do that yet from my phone (it's new) so maybe I can add it later.

There is still hope.
Even though I remembered a bit more this morning that I have to write.

There is still hope.
Even though I am going to have to read this letter to Tricia on Monday at my appointment with her.

There is still hope.
God has healed me before, from some horrible things.  He can heal this too.

Please keep on praying for me as I continue to process this stuff.  The kids are still off of school, and I will be needing to care for them and be functional for them the next 4 days.  Pray that I won't go crazy, though I feel like I already am.

I am now off to take some time to remind myself that there is still hope - and then go and lead worship practice tonight yet before I go home.

Telling the truth

My appointment last week was successful in that by the end of it, I was in enough a better state from when I went in.  Tricia talked with me for the hour, just walking me through the memories, thoughts and lies I was struggling with.

At the end, she looked a little bit relieved and said that I seemed to be doing better than when I came in.  She asked if that was wishful thinking, and I said no, I did feel better.



I went back to work this week, after a VERY snowy and cold weekend, and got through the first two days relatively well.  It feels like the memories have faded some to the background.  Not maybe that they have faded, but that I have been allowed to ignore them and live above them for the time being.

However, yesterday, I started having my anxiety ramp up.  It started with trying to help our pastor with a computer problem, then solving other problems, and by the end of the day, I was so frustrated.  As I was coming home, my anxiety was going higher.  I had to take the kids to their Wednesday night church activities, and by the time they were dropped off, I had to get out of the town, over the bridge to the nearest McDonald's.  Sounds weird, but I just needed a spot to park and breathe, and as I needed to eat, that was the first place I thought of.

I grabbed my phone and tried calling Cindy D. first, but we were able to talk for only a few minutes, long enough for me to tell her about the anxiety attacking me right then.  Then I tried calling my best friend, Cindy, but she was so sick, she wasn't even able to answer her phone.

I realized that God just wanted me. 

So I grabbed my bag and went inside McDonald's, got some food, and then settled down to eat, read and journal.  I had gotten a book from a friend, so I read through some of that and made notes about what hit me and what I felt like God was saying to me.

I am much more stable than I was last week.  Partially because, well, because I am being a better girl than I was last week.

You see, I had my appointment with Tricia last Monday, but the week before that I started fighting with myself about taking my anti-depressant.  I don't really know why, but I didn't want to take it.  I thought I was doing better, and as I had a counseling appointment coming up, I wanted to be able to "feel" the emotions (not that I can't now... but I think they can be much more intense - and painful as I learned) as I was going through the appointment.

So, I started slacking off on taking it.  Like skipping two days, taking it one, skipping 3 days and then having my Monday appointment.  Then I don't really remember when I took the next one, maybe Tuesday night after I got home from my friends house... after my day full of panic attacks. 

When I talked with Tricia on Thursday at my added in appointment, she said that she had brought up my case in her collaberation that morning because she was concerned that I was going backwards rather than forwards.  She said that two different people had asked if she knew if I was taking all my medications.  She told me she would have never thought to ask that, so asked me if I had been taking them all.  I said that I had missed a "couple" of the anti-depressant.  When she asked why, I froze, and then blurted that I had lapsed between refills.  When she asked again how many I had missed, I told her 2-3.

I out and out lied to her.

Why would I lie to someone that I profess to trust, who has walked with me through so much?  I have never lied to her that blatantly before!  I don't get it.

Once I started taking my meds again and started to think more clearly, I started asking myself this, but shying away from God just yet.

Yesterday, it really came to a head as I talked with a friend again on the phone.  No one knew about my not taking my medication, except for one friend and his wife whom I told through an email.  At one point, she asked me why I was having a hard time doing something else Tricia had asked me to do, and if I was going to tell her.  When I said I wasn't sure, she asked me why, because she knew that I was pretty brutally honest with her.

Then I just spit it out and told her that it was because I hadn't been honest about some other things.  There was some silence on the other end of the phone as she thought a minute and then she said that she wasn't going to ask if I didn't want to tell her.  So, I blurted it out about how much of the meds I had missed, and that I had purposely done it.

It was hard to say, but good I think, because I needed to say it to someone real, someone who knows me in real life, who can get right up to me, in my face, and find out if I am taking them or not... or at least, she won't mother me, but is someone I can go to if I am struggling with it.

Now though, she made me realize that I have to tell Tricia.
and I don't want to.
I don't want to disappoint her.

She asked me if I was punishing myself.  We had talked the previous day about the little things, like not eating well, or staying up too late, or not taking care of my hand well enough - and as random comments popped out of my mouth, it became apparent that I really didn't think highly enough of myself to take care of myself the way I should.  It's way better than it used to be, but still, not where it should be.... still lies there to be uncovered and dealt with.

So she asked me if I was punishing myself.  If I thought that I didn't deserve love (or I would insert here peace, joy or freedom) enough so I was delaying the healing process by not taking my medication correctly.

Honestly, I don't know.  I guess maybe I have been in a way.  I think I knew that my body/emotions were going to react that way because of not taking the meds.  And I didn't care.  It isn't too hard for me to do something that will inflict emotional pain on myself.  Leave some issue unresolved, and then stop taking medications, and self sabotage.

At one point yesterday I said to myself, and to God that I really didn't want to live with that 19-20 year old that did those things, and that was subjected to those things back in college.  I blurted out (I was alone in the sanctuary) that she really should just die. 

I heard those words echo through the sanctuary, and I looked to the front, at the cross. 
Then said, "She really doesn't deserve to die, because neither does anyone else I have talked to, that I know who have been abused or made bad decisions."

Then I left a question hanging in the air and walked out of the sanctuary.

"Now that we are all forgiven and covered by Your blood, do we still deserve to die, anyway?"

The obvious answer is that by God's mercy and grace, He wants to heal us from those things in our past that have hurt us so.  I know that.  But there is part of me that just wants to crush that girl who was, and grind her out of existence so I don't have to think about her anymore.

What God really wants me to do is to embrace her... go back to her as the adult I am now and embrace her and give her the love that she wasn't getting from another human being, and through that, point her to God.  Point her to the truth.  In so doing, I will open the door (with God's help) to Him coming in and healing her, healing me and there will be no more "her" and "me" but there will be "I."  I will be more whole, more integrated, more healed, and more able to deal with other pains, or resolve other conflicts and grow up some more.

One of the most effective ways for me to go back and embrace that little girl that needs love so much is through the process of EMDR, as Tricia guides me through it.  God has healed me so much, and so quickly many times, and so effectively, using that process. 

But from experience, I have learned that it doesn't work very well when there are barriers between you and your therapist.  Whether she knows of it or not.  I have had times where we have gotten blocked and when God finally led me to tell her something, as we started the EMDR God met me in a powerful way.

If I want to have Tricia help me and guide me through the process of EMDR dealing with these past memories that have become so current and fresh, I need to be honest with her.  Which means, I have to tell her about the medication and how I purposely stopped taking it.  I need to be able to let go and let down all the barriers.  If something is keeping me from telling her the full truth, then it means I don't trust her fully for one reason or another.

At least, I think so.  I don't know.  Maybe it isn't that I don't trust her fully.  Maybe it's that I am afraid that she is going to be disappointed with me.  I look up to her.  I don't want to disappoint her, or cause disapproval.  I think I'm afraid that she is going to just dismiss last week as all about the lack of medication.  I know the lack of medication intensified everything, every emotion, but there was more behind it than that.  I couldn't think very clearly or claim the truth for myself, but I was experiencing (probably too closely) the things that had happened in my past and I wasn't able to shut it down, I didn't have control.  The inability to control what was going on emotionally, or to think clearly was from the medication.

Maybe the desire I have to not take the anti-depressant is because I am scared of what this time from January to March will look like if I were more healed and whole and on my meds and more stable.  I mean, that's whole new territory for me.  And it's scary.  This is my familiar.  This is what I know.  The ups and downs, the anxiety and depression, the fear and darkness.  To have a possibility of walking in the light again is scary.

But as I read in Psalm 139 today, even if I want the darkness to cover me and the light to become night around me, even the darkness is like light to God, and it shines like the noonday.  No matter what I do, God sees, He knows the motives of my heart, He understands, and He still loves.  Even this fearful, trembling girl who's afraid to walk forward and this fearful, angry adult who wants to crush out the past.

He still loves.

Oh God, help me cling to Your truth!

Decision made

Well, I made my decision.

After how hard yesterday was, I went to bed.  I was freezing cold by the time I got there and it took a long time for me to warm up, but I finally did and fell asleep.

Until.

3:15am.

I woke up out of a dead sleep, drenched with sweat and with my heart racing.  I don't remember what the dream was that woke me up, I know there was something there as I fought to wake up, but am grateful not to remember it.

I had to get up and completely change clothes and sit for a bit to calm down.

I had at least 2 more panic attacks at work today, and finally after talking with a good friend on the phone, and then my friend from last night in person, they both urged me to do the same thing.  They suggested I make a call to my counselor's office and leave a message for her to call me back when she could. 

Within the hour, she called back and I told her about yesterday, the memories and their vividness and pain, and the panic attacks, and the dream last night.  When she had heard it all and found that I wasn't scheduled to see her until nearly 2 weeks from now, she started looking for another appointment for me.  There were two next week, but as we talked she had a cancellation for 3pm tomorrow.

So I am off to see Tricia tomorrow afternoon. 

I am frustrated because I feel like I am disappointing people.  I am also afraid I am blowing things out of proportion and am making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am afraid it's all nothing, and afraid that it is something.  Hmm.  Seems like fear is ruling here... and in reality, perfect love drives out fear.... Boy God, do I need to cling to Your love right now!!!!

Please pray for me tomorrow, that my anxiety and fear won't kick in so bad that I am paralyzed as I try to talk to Tricia.  Pray also for my son.  He wasn't feeling good tonight, and if he stays home sick from school tomorrow, it is going to complicate things to say the least!  I am just praying for health for Peter and that this night's sleep will work a miracle for him, because he was running a fever when he went to bed.

Pray for peace for me, and just the ability to trust God through yet another thing I have to work through. 

So, yesterday I didn't know what to do about calling Tricia and trying to get another appointment, and today, because of how I was reacting to things and what my condition was, the decision was almost made for me. 

I guess it becomes one less thing to worry about and stress about cause it is now out of my hands.  Praying for a more restful night than last night, and for a day with a bit of peace somewhere in the middle of it, time with God before I have to go to my appointment.

Numb

I'm still feeling numb.

It seems to happen from time to time after counseling.  Last time, I was so exhausted I collapsed in the nearby bathroom sobbing.  This time, I bypassed the bathroom and went down to my car right away.  I sat there for a bit, then moved my car to a more remote part of the parking lot, and sat in a daze for a bit, and actually fell asleep for about a half hour.

When I woke, I started the car and drove to the farm to get the kids.  I pulled into the yard, and as no one was out there, turned off the car and sat in the dark, the quiet enveloping me.  I'm not sure how long I sat there till the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Tricia had prayed at the end of the session that though she had talked a lot, that I would remember what I would need to and forget the things I didn't or that weren't God's words for me to remember. 

She asked me to work on letting go of the curtains (an image in my head) that I hanging on to, to cover myself and hide myself in.  She wants me to work on, and get myself to the point that I will forgive myself for the things that I did in this relationship.  To accept God's forgiveness and to claim the truth of His word as my own, and to call the truth, the truth and a lie, a lie.  Whether my feelings follow right away or not, I need to believe the truth, to choose it and hang onto it, no matter what.

I know that is what I need to do and she is right.

But as I sat in the car at the farm, crying, all I could think of was how tired I was.  So exhausted.  So sick of fighting.  It's so hard, and all I want is to stop.  I don't want to think about anything, this relationship, this struggle for truth, taking captive my thoughts.  It's so overwhelming.  It's too much at once, and I don't know how to handle it.

I have stuffed it pretty well this past week.  Yes, emotions have popped out from time to time, but for the most part, I haven't felt either really good, or excited about anything, or really too depressed either.  I felt very "flatline" for lack of anything better.  I know I don't have to be super up or down, or have major swings to be "ok" or anything like that, nor do I want that, but it would be nice to be able to enjoy things, or grieve things if I need to.

I have to grieve the loss that I put on myself by the choices I made.  I was able to grieve the losses of other things, where I was a victim.  I was able to work through the anger there, and finally forgive the offenders.  I have been able to go through so much and find God's strength through it all.

Now, I don't have any strength of my own, and I don't feel like I have God's either.  Where is the stubbornness and determination I have had in the past?  Where is the gumption and backbone I had in the face of what I knew were enemy attacks?  I know the enemy wants to keep me bound, stuck and stalled out here.  So why am I so reluctant to fight back with the truth?

I'm not sure that I have the answer to those questions.  I'm not sure we answered those in counseling, though we might have today, I just feel so befuddled that I really don't know right now.

As we talked, Tricia reminded me one of the phrases I had used to describe myself in light of this situation was that I was filthy.

Later on, I got this image of a glass bottle - almost a jug.  Dark green, at least what you could see through the filthiness on the outside of it.  Inside were packed all my emotions.  Hate, rage and anger at this guy, at myself, I think even at God.  Grief, loss, failure, pain, shame, disgust, guilt.  It had a rubber cork in it, and I was leaning all my weight on it to keep it corked up.  I was afraid to open it, because I was afraid of all the emotions that would spill out.

At first, Tricia asked me to allow that bottle to be opened during the next two weeks, not to dump it out, but just let it open, so that the pressure wouldn't build.  But by the end, she suggested that I just work on the part of letting go of the curtain that I was hiding in, and work on the accepting God's forgiveness and love, and forgiving myself.  She "gave me permission" to leave that bottle alone until we see each other again.

I feel so numb and exhausted right now, I don't even know what to do.

I have taken my anti-anxiety meds, but still feel that pit of fear in my stomach, the one that gives me heartburn and leaves me all jumpy.  I really can't take any more of anything medication wise, and I can't really take much more emotionally either.

I don't want to work.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to do anything but curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there.  I don't want to pray, and it's been like pulling teeth to write here even.  How can I be in one place, where I am able to encourage a friend going through a rough time, and the next minute not want to do anything?  Even the things I know are good for me, that will help me and will cause me to walk closer with God?

It's just where I'm at right now, like it or not. 

reminder of His love in pain

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful.  Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving.  It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe."  Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love.  In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now).  This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship.  It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of.  We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time.  I have been reeling some since Monday night.  It was hard work folks!  I was so raw when I left Tricia's office.  I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted.  I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor.  I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car.  Pretty quickly I started sobbing.  I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching.  I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly.  My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying.  Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room.  And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship.  I am fighting with it for sure.  I know the truth.  It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart.  It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to.  So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word.  As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart.  And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!"  Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time.  I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God.   The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me.  And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!!  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord.  I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

What I walked away with today....

I walked out of my appointment with Tricia today, feeling by far much better than I have in a long time.

I didn't hold anything back from her that I could think of, not knowingly anyway. I told her how frustrated I had been in our last session and going back to work out of it. She nodded and said that she had been able to tell.

When I shared how I had exploded more or less once the church was empty that night, she also said that she was pretty sure she had left me in a fragile state when I walked out of the office, but she didn't want to say that in case she planted a thought that wasn't really there. Boy, I'm glad things didn't get worse than they did last week, or there would have been some pieces to be picked up!

We talked about what God has done this week. How He has worked, and just how He used that frustrating session last week to get me just out there enough to talk to Sandy about it, a little, after a lot of prying on her part. Her persistence and her verbally forgiving me, and reminding me that Henry wouldn't want me to beat myself up either, and that I was by far more important than anything else.... that changed me, though I didn't know or recognize it at the time.

I didn't recognize it until I was sharing the things of the week with Tricia and she started praising God right there in the middle of it. She got so excited she nearly jumped up and down! Slapped her clipboard down on the footstool between us, and out loud praised God for how He works all things together.

Because, as I now realize it, He did. He worked this past week - the pain - the hurt - the guilt - the frustration from my session - my conversation with Sandy - my tiredness - my lowered defenses - into a healing for me. Not fully, but a lightening of the load.

Maybe that's part of why I walked out of Tricia's office today feeling lighter.

Is the depression gone?
No.
I wish it were that easy.

I wish I could say, "Nah, I don't really need to come back. I'm fine now."

However, I would probably be back in 6 months or a year, burned out and worse than I am now.

I told Tricia that there are better days than others. Sometimes I am too busy to notice the depression except in passing. Other days it nearly debilitates me and makes me non-functional. Sometimes I am ok, and experiencing a pleasant moment, but I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and wonder when the storm is going to hit, how fast it is moving, and how severe it's going to be.

Tricia said to me that she was feeling that Henry's death was just the icing on the cake for me. The she looked at me and asked me what the cake was... expecting an answer. What did I say?

I. Don't. Know.

We don't know what that "cake" is under the icing. Neither of us do. Maybe there is nothing there, maybe there is another layer from previous things that needs to be addressed. Really we don't know, but there were some things that were brought up today (for another post) that are things to explore.

Tricia prayed for both of us at the end of our session today. She prayed for me that I would be able to see the good times and essentially experience the "joy moments" and for guidance and help for the worship rehearsal tonight, and my job and the upcoming events that are causing me stress.

She prayed for herself that God would give her the wisdom to know how to help. That He would grant her discernment in how to continue to develop a treatment plan for me, and that she would have His wisdom in everything and every way.

I came out of Tricia's office today with two things from her to remember.

Three things though I have walked away with.

One: When I have something pleasant happen, enjoy it. Take note of it. Experience it. Don't just blow by it unnoticed and unappreciated. From the simple sun on my face, to a quiet snuggle with the kids, to an unexpected but wonderful talk with my husband.

Two: Don't go digging too deep. Don't try to over analyze what is going on with me, or the "why's" that want to show up. Let God show things as He will, but don't go digging for them or too deeply before I'm ready.

And this is the one that I am really adding on to the list... not something Tricia specifically sent me away thinking about. This is one that I have only realized now, after writing a brief email to Cindy (and oh, I can't wait to talk to Cindy D. about this too!)

Three: I have walked away from this appointment with a little smoldering wick. This bruised reed that I am is carrying a little flame that I thought was gone. In the face of it all, I do have one thing back, just from this session with Tricia. And now I have a name for it.

HOPE.

one of those days...

There are those days for me when I don't want to go back and see Tricia, my counselor.

Sometimes they are days when I am doing poorly, or frustrated, or really depressed and feeling like there is no hope, so why go at all.

Then there are the days where I am feeling better. I feel and see hope. I am able to focus. I am able to hear a bit from God again... at least a little.

In both of those cases, I feel like I am going to be wasting Tricia's time and my money. What's the point of going, because maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill?

Yesterday was one of those days that I was feeling better. It was quiet in the office because everyone is gone on vacation except for me, so there were no incoming calls. I was able to spend some good time with God before work started. But it was more than that.

Over the end of last week, I spent a good amount of time at Sandy's house. She is dog sitting but was out of town the first couple of days, so I was the temporary stand in. I went over to her house three or four times a day between Thursday afternoon and Saturday afternoon.

I was able to have some nice quiet time in Sandy's house, both Thursday night and Friday morning. When I came back on Friday night, I found I kept looking over at Henry's empty recliner.

I finally got up.
I couldn't refuse the inner prompting I was getting.

I walked over to his chair, sat down and curled up in it. Then the tears came. Oh I cried! I don't know for how long, but do know that I had limited time there, so I had to keep it relatively short.

The next morning when I went back to let the dog out, we came back inside and I did the same thing again, curled up in Henry's recliner and cried for a while.

All I can say from the experience was that I felt like it was the closest I was going to get right now to that hug from my Daddy that I need so badly. That hug from my Papa.

Maybe a little bit more healing took place then. I am not sure. But that may have affected how I felt yesterday. Better, and more able to work and concentrate.

I'm not sure what God is doing. I am struggling with surrendering some things to Him and of course everywhere I look, I see and read about surrendering to Him. Letting go. Abandoning our jars, like Joy said, rather than clinging to them ourselves, believing they are the most important thing, and that we can't live without them.

Sunday morning I got to church well before anyone else. I spent some time praying through the church, and praying for the service. Something in me caused me to get on my knees and I just lifted up my hands to God and asked Him to take all of me and use me that morning.

I can't say I "felt" any different, but I think it gave me a new outlook on the day.

That wasn't the specific surrender that God has been asking for. He is looking for me to give up some specific things, and I have been less than willing to listen, less than willing to try it His way. You see, I have these "default" coping mechanisms. Things that I automatically do or think, that I use when either I want to run from God or run from the emotions I am experiencing at the time.

It can be generally ok things like reading, playing on the computer, watching TV or a movie.... It can be some not so healthy things like over eating or impulsively running out to get something specific to eat if I don't have it in the house, or just plain impulsive shopping.

But they become bad things when they come between me and God. I know that. but I am running back over and over to the same old defaults and not to God with my emotions or pain or frustration.

Why am I so afraid to go to my Father? Isn't that what I have been saying all along? That I need my Daddy?

Maybe that is why, when it comes time to going to counseling, I don't want to go, or I have one of "those days" where I feel like I shouldn't go. Because maybe Tricia will be able to help me answer those questions. Maybe she will be able to help me get at the root of why I am running away rather than running to God.

Whatever the stronghold might be (if there is one) or the bondage that might be there, of course the enemy of my soul and yours doesn't want it broken apart. So he comes at me either subtly by giving me such a good day that I can try to talk myself out of going. Or he comes at me with such a horrible day that I just want to skip it because what's the point when there's no hope....

I'm going to counseling tomorrow.
I'm going.
I'm not sure I'm fully willing, but I'm going.

And if the Lord will make me even willing to be willing, maybe something will start to change. Maybe I won't have so many of "those days," and won't be so afraid of the hard work and change going to see Tricia will make me do.