Another faith-step...

Yesterday I walked into Tricia’s office.

She asked how things were for me, and realized we hadn’t seen each other for a month, so she wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.

I explained that the first reason I had canceled my appointment two weeks prior was that I found my schedule out of control and I just couldn’t figure out how to manage things that day, so counseling had to go.  She more than understood and applauded my choice of letting go of the things I had to in order to keep things manageable.

Then I shared with her what I had bubbling inside me all day.

I said that this was going to be my last appointment with her.

She started to smile and asked me why, and so I shared some of the things that have been going on in the past few weeks.  The amazing changes God has been making in my life and my heart.

We took all of my scheduled appointment to talk about what had been going on.  We also talked a lot about some other things, some other loose ends that needed to be tied up.

As our time drew to a close, Tricia prayed for me, and then on her own time, shared some ministry opportunities that God has given her a passion for.  She also shared how hard it had been for her to concentrate during our session and how weighted down she had felt, still felt.  I told her that I would be praying for her, and she thanked me.  She said that she wasn’t “begging” for prayers, but anytime I thought of her, to pray for her, and for the “things that take place here,” indicating the office --- the whole of Charis Counseling.

It was a wonderful time of fellowship.  It was also very good because she was able to give me some advice in a few areas that I needed it still. 

I know now it is going to be hard not to see her anymore, yet at the same time, I am ok with that.  Yes, I am going to miss her.  She has been such a blessing to me.  The law required that there be 2 years between our last counseling session and when we can have contact again, outside a counselor/client type of relationship.  She told me to call her in two years.  So, I look forward to that day.  But I am also trying to be realistic in realizing that I may very well have to go back and see her again as her client.

I am hoping, with the many issues and roadblocks I have worked through with her, and with all the things that God has done, I won’t need to though.

I know I am going to have to live with depression for now.  That isn’t something that I have felt like God said He’d take away.  But, controlling it with medication, and taking care of myself makes a big difference in how it affects me.

And, I am ok with that.

Yeah, it’s not always a fun prospect to look forward to, but I know that medication helps, and for now, I am ok with the fact that I will need to stay on it for a while.  For sure, I know that the anti-depressant helps clear my head and make it easier for me to process things and deal with just even the daily stresses.  When I haven’t taken it, or not taken it regularly, it has been very hard to concentrate and focus on what I need to.

I am happy right now, and fully aware that God brought me to this place, to this decision, and He has got me.  I also know that at some point, I will need to grieve not seeing Tricia anymore.  It will eventually sink in, but that’s ok too.  It’s a loss of a friendship for a time, really.  But there is an end goal in sight. 

Between now and then, God has got a lot for me to do.

He has a lot to teach me.

He has a lot for me to learn and then teach to others.

As a short aside, last night was one of those nights where He used something I had learned but He had revisited with me.

Marina has been sick for nearly the past month.  She has been coming out of her room 2 or more times a night claiming to be having bad dreams and being scared in her room.  Saturday night though pushed me over the edge.  She was up 5 times coming into our room.  As I am closest to the door, she kept coming to me.

I first fell asleep at midnight.

Marina came in at:

1am

3am

3:30am

4:30am

5:30am

To say the least, the last time she came in, I was less than thrilled.  Dave mumbled in his sleep not to be too harsh with her and then started snoring again (we laugh about it now, but I could have killed him then!!!!)

Sunday night, she stayed at the farm so I could sleep.

Last night, God reminded me that sometimes reading the Bible before bed was the best thing I could do for myself.  So, though it got the kids to bed a bit later, I spent some time reading to her and Peter.  First the book of John, then Joshua (where God tells him not to be afraid, that He would be with him wherever he went), and finally I ended back up in the Psalms.  Psalm 139.  I read it out of the New International Readers Version, because it helped explain it to her a little better. 

The more I read, the more she settled down.  When I reminded her that she had asked Jesus into her heart, she cried, “Yes I did, but He didn’t stay there!”  Well, I can relate to that feeling.  Can’t you?

Eventually she laid out on the bed, her chin in her hands, soaking up what I was reading.  Before, she had been clinging to me, shaking at the idea of going to bed.

When I eventually prayed with the kids, I prayed through the very scriptures that I had read to them.  Then I gave Marina a warning.  I told her that if she came out in the night, she had one time for me to tuck her back in.  Otherwise she was going to have to tuck herself back in.

Two minutes after leaving the room, she was back outside saying she was scared.  I told her that it would be easier to tuck herself back in then when it was still light in the living room, but she wanted me to tuck her back in.  So I did, and reminded her that was it.

This morning, I woke up and realized that she hadn’t gotten me up once in the night.

I think it was a combination of me coming down a bit harder and letting her know she wasn’t getting away with coming out of her room all the time anymore, and very intentionally reading the Bible with her before bed.

There is power in the spoken Word.  That is what God has been teaching me.  There is power there that many times we don’t tap into.

Last night, God gave me the opportunity to tap into it, and to also teach it by example to my kids.

Another step in the right direction.

Another learning experience.

I am crossing the Jordan River into my promised land.  I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t know what giants I will have to face, but I know it is a better land than the one I have come out of.  I don’t want to return there, to my Egypt. 

Praise God for another faith-step, following after Him!

On the road… walking with Jesus… 

...that takes one faith-step after another.

Intertwined....

Maybe it is all intertwined and I haven't realized it fully till now.

I am still working through it, and processing here - but that may be it.

I was telling my counselor that since I got off my meds I was ok, but started working and after the new year, things started going downhill for me again. There were times I knew it was spiritual attack, and other times it was exhaustion or the activities I was involved in, etc. that were causing momentary stress, resulting in depression. But I figured that the depression started deepening on its own in January and February.

Hmm.. Look at what I realized.

End of January - Henry was diagnosed with cancer
Early February - Henry had surgery, and they discovered the extent of the cancer.
5 weeks later - Henry started chemo

And from there on, he progressively got worse.

A five month journey that ended in his homecoming.

Maybe the other things going on in my life caused the depression. Maybe I do have a chemical imbalance that I will always need to take anti-depressants. Maybe I have gifts that have weaknesses of depression.

"Maybe" it's all of those things combined.

I think now though all those things are intertwined with Henry's death. It's too much of a "coincidence" to be completely unrelated.


Everything is all intertwined. There is no escaping it.


I work at the church, and hear things that make me want to weep. I see the prayer requests that come across my desk. I feel the struggles the church is going through as a pastor leaves to start a church plant.

I am part of a small group who walked alongside a couple in their individual struggles with cancer. One survived her battle - the other survived too, but is in heaven waiting for us. The ache in all our hearts, the empty chair in our meetings, the shared tears last week at small group.... these all pull at my heart and emotions.

I live with my family, with a husband who works hard as a nurse in a particularly challenging area, who comes home wiped out, and still tries his best to engage with me and the kids. I have a son who is sensitive to others around him, and aware of the struggles of his family, even if not consciously. Who doesn't want to practice his reading to get ready for first grade, and who struggles with anxiety, generalized and specific at times. I also have a little girl who is becoming more stubborn and willful as the weeks go on.

I find myself wondering if I am doing my family a disservice by working, but right now, we need it.... and so I am torn between what I do, who I am, who I need to be, where I am needed and how do I balance all this stuff that is so intertwined with one another, I can't separate it.

I can see how all this stuff is working in my life, the added worries and pressures.... and the heartaches that I have for the "others" around me. They all put pressure on my heart and emotions. Any chemical imbalance or personal struggles add to the pressure.

I feel like a rubber band being stretched to, and beyond, it's limit. I am cringing, waiting for the snap and resulting sting of the impending breaking point being reached. And, I am wondering if God is going to let go of this rubber band and let it relax some and regain it's equilibrium before it's stretched again.

Or am I going to have to endure?

The snap.
The sting.
The break.

This time being stretched will I get the relief before it's too late?

Or is the snap, the sting and the break just what God wants for me - to remind me that He is God and I am not?

To be broken is to be healed. I know that. From experience. That healing is such a sweet release and relief.

And there are more threads that are intertwined. God using my past experiences of brokenness to help me during this time of loss and change and confusion and hurt.

I don't know if any of my questioning will help me "figure out" why I am depressed or better one day and not the next or why I feel numb when I do.


All these different things that I have experienced, or am experiencing are more than enough just on their own to pull me down. They do. If I'm not careful. But all combined and intertwined, all tangled in this sticky web I am in, I feel stuck and stretched and exhausted. I want to curl up and hibernate until these things are gone. But sleeping will not get me through them.



God, I don't know where this leaves me. I am so tired. I am so worn. I am stretched - to my breaking point, it feels. You say You are with me. You say You will sustain me. You say that You will guide me. Help me to choose You, rather than to run or block You out. For the sake of your name, lead me and guide me. All these things I have talked about are so intertwined around me God, and I know I will never figure them out on my own, and maybe I don't need to. But You see all the individual threads and the whole tapestry at the same time. Please keep you hand on me. I can't walk this road without You.... I can't stay on this road without Your hands holding me up.

** The above picture can be found at Mademoiselle Chaos.