Another faith-step...

Yesterday I walked into Tricia’s office.

She asked how things were for me, and realized we hadn’t seen each other for a month, so she wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.

I explained that the first reason I had canceled my appointment two weeks prior was that I found my schedule out of control and I just couldn’t figure out how to manage things that day, so counseling had to go.  She more than understood and applauded my choice of letting go of the things I had to in order to keep things manageable.

Then I shared with her what I had bubbling inside me all day.

I said that this was going to be my last appointment with her.

She started to smile and asked me why, and so I shared some of the things that have been going on in the past few weeks.  The amazing changes God has been making in my life and my heart.

We took all of my scheduled appointment to talk about what had been going on.  We also talked a lot about some other things, some other loose ends that needed to be tied up.

As our time drew to a close, Tricia prayed for me, and then on her own time, shared some ministry opportunities that God has given her a passion for.  She also shared how hard it had been for her to concentrate during our session and how weighted down she had felt, still felt.  I told her that I would be praying for her, and she thanked me.  She said that she wasn’t “begging” for prayers, but anytime I thought of her, to pray for her, and for the “things that take place here,” indicating the office --- the whole of Charis Counseling.

It was a wonderful time of fellowship.  It was also very good because she was able to give me some advice in a few areas that I needed it still. 

I know now it is going to be hard not to see her anymore, yet at the same time, I am ok with that.  Yes, I am going to miss her.  She has been such a blessing to me.  The law required that there be 2 years between our last counseling session and when we can have contact again, outside a counselor/client type of relationship.  She told me to call her in two years.  So, I look forward to that day.  But I am also trying to be realistic in realizing that I may very well have to go back and see her again as her client.

I am hoping, with the many issues and roadblocks I have worked through with her, and with all the things that God has done, I won’t need to though.

I know I am going to have to live with depression for now.  That isn’t something that I have felt like God said He’d take away.  But, controlling it with medication, and taking care of myself makes a big difference in how it affects me.

And, I am ok with that.

Yeah, it’s not always a fun prospect to look forward to, but I know that medication helps, and for now, I am ok with the fact that I will need to stay on it for a while.  For sure, I know that the anti-depressant helps clear my head and make it easier for me to process things and deal with just even the daily stresses.  When I haven’t taken it, or not taken it regularly, it has been very hard to concentrate and focus on what I need to.

I am happy right now, and fully aware that God brought me to this place, to this decision, and He has got me.  I also know that at some point, I will need to grieve not seeing Tricia anymore.  It will eventually sink in, but that’s ok too.  It’s a loss of a friendship for a time, really.  But there is an end goal in sight. 

Between now and then, God has got a lot for me to do.

He has a lot to teach me.

He has a lot for me to learn and then teach to others.

As a short aside, last night was one of those nights where He used something I had learned but He had revisited with me.

Marina has been sick for nearly the past month.  She has been coming out of her room 2 or more times a night claiming to be having bad dreams and being scared in her room.  Saturday night though pushed me over the edge.  She was up 5 times coming into our room.  As I am closest to the door, she kept coming to me.

I first fell asleep at midnight.

Marina came in at:

1am

3am

3:30am

4:30am

5:30am

To say the least, the last time she came in, I was less than thrilled.  Dave mumbled in his sleep not to be too harsh with her and then started snoring again (we laugh about it now, but I could have killed him then!!!!)

Sunday night, she stayed at the farm so I could sleep.

Last night, God reminded me that sometimes reading the Bible before bed was the best thing I could do for myself.  So, though it got the kids to bed a bit later, I spent some time reading to her and Peter.  First the book of John, then Joshua (where God tells him not to be afraid, that He would be with him wherever he went), and finally I ended back up in the Psalms.  Psalm 139.  I read it out of the New International Readers Version, because it helped explain it to her a little better. 

The more I read, the more she settled down.  When I reminded her that she had asked Jesus into her heart, she cried, “Yes I did, but He didn’t stay there!”  Well, I can relate to that feeling.  Can’t you?

Eventually she laid out on the bed, her chin in her hands, soaking up what I was reading.  Before, she had been clinging to me, shaking at the idea of going to bed.

When I eventually prayed with the kids, I prayed through the very scriptures that I had read to them.  Then I gave Marina a warning.  I told her that if she came out in the night, she had one time for me to tuck her back in.  Otherwise she was going to have to tuck herself back in.

Two minutes after leaving the room, she was back outside saying she was scared.  I told her that it would be easier to tuck herself back in then when it was still light in the living room, but she wanted me to tuck her back in.  So I did, and reminded her that was it.

This morning, I woke up and realized that she hadn’t gotten me up once in the night.

I think it was a combination of me coming down a bit harder and letting her know she wasn’t getting away with coming out of her room all the time anymore, and very intentionally reading the Bible with her before bed.

There is power in the spoken Word.  That is what God has been teaching me.  There is power there that many times we don’t tap into.

Last night, God gave me the opportunity to tap into it, and to also teach it by example to my kids.

Another step in the right direction.

Another learning experience.

I am crossing the Jordan River into my promised land.  I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t know what giants I will have to face, but I know it is a better land than the one I have come out of.  I don’t want to return there, to my Egypt. 

Praise God for another faith-step, following after Him!

On the road… walking with Jesus… 

...that takes one faith-step after another.

By Faith....

Today was a good day.

I sat at the coffee shop after dropping off the kids at their respective schools.   I relaxed with my hazelnut breve and settled in. 

It was the first day all week that I didn’t have to rush anywhere. 

I took the time I needed to refill... to be recharged.

The last week I have felt God carrying me.  I can’t describe the peace.  I don’t know if it’s possible to even come up with the right words.

Last week I described how I felt pushed and pulled between what I knew God was wanting me to do, and what I felt He was calling me to, and what my self, my flesh was wanting to do.  I was willfully choosing not to listen to Him.

After working on my bible study some a night or so after I wrote that post, I came across something about God wanting us to start believing Him.  It was the time now, and we shouldn’t wait till tomorrow.

However, at that point as I read it, Dave was rolling over to turn out the light, so I had to wait.  I just said in my heart to God that I wasn’t putting Him off again, but logistically I needed sleep, and my husband was turning out the light.

In the morning, I headed to the coffee shop before I went up to the church to lead our morning ladies bible study.  There I sat, with my bible and bible study open, and my journal out.  I wrote to God about where I was at, what I was feeling and my hesitations.  I thought about my counseling session earlier in the week and how Tricia had been working with me, trying to help me really know and believe that even though this “thing” happened in my past, that I was still valuable, worth saving and pure. 

The more I prayed through it, I could see how God had paved the way through my study that week on my value in God’s eyes, and that He wanted me to believe that I am who He says I am.  God is so good how He orchestrates things.  There is no way that this (and other things He has done) are coincidences.

I finally surrendered last Thursday morning.  I sat in a secluded corner of the coffee shop, cried and wrote and told God that I was going to choose to believe Him.  Right then and there.  No matter what He called me to.  No matter what it looked like.  No matter what I had to leave behind.

In Hebrews 11:8 it says, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”

I feel like God has been calling me to my promised land.  Though I do not know where I am going, I am packing up my things, getting rid of what I don’t need to weigh me down in the journey, and I am obeying.  I am going.  I don’t know where.  I don’t know what for.  I don’t know how. 

But I do know Who I am going with.  I also know that He is going to reveal more and more of Himself to me.  The more I know about Him, the more I will realize that God is that, and so much more.  I will never learn all there is to know about God. 

I am ok with that. 

I just know that since I have chosen to believe Him… every day this week… I have felt a peace that I haven’t in a long time.  I have felt a joy – not always that I’m happy – but a deeper internal “something” I can’t really describe. 

Maybe it’s a knowing I’m not alone.

Maybe it’s the feeling that I’m finally making the right choices to believe Him.

Maybe it’s that I’m finally obeying Him.

Maybe it’s that I’m not running away any more.

Maybe it’s that I’m not holding onto my past.

I am finally choosing to believe that I am fully forgiven for every past sin – completely and absolutely forgiven.  To the point that it is wiped out, demolished, destroyed.

I am finally choosing to believe daily that I have God’s child, He has a glorious inheritance for me, His incomparably great power is at work within me, He protects me under the shadow of His wing, and His love for me is far bigger, deeper, higher, and wider than I could ever imagine.

For me.

Me!

He knows me inside and out.

So do I.

He knows me better than I do, even the motives behind things I do, that I don’t even realize are there.

But He holds me tight, even when I let go of Him, he never lets go of me.

I know this because I have seen it.

I know this because for a while here I have let go of Him.  Now I am choosing to grab back onto His hand (at least with a more conscious effort than in the past months) and believe Him for every promise He has given me.  Promises He has given to all of us.

In love, we are blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, secure, called, confident, free, anointed, able…

That is who God says we are… but there are even more things that are promises to us, just one of them being that He will never leave us or forsake us.  (Yes, even when it feels like He has, He is still there)

Personally, I have the sense that I am being called out to my promised land here on this earth.  I have a heavenly promised land, but I believe that God has a “promised land” here on earth that He wants to give me. 

All He is doing is asking me to believe Him. 

Asking me to follow where He leads. 

Asking me to take the time and really listen,

Really watch to see where He is moving, 

Where He is calling me to.

It’s not going to be in ways I expect maybe, but it is going to be great!  Because our God is a great God!

I am excited.  Scared.  Anticipating what He will do in my life.  Afraid.  Anxious.

Yet at the same time I feel this very secure sense of peace.  Yes, some things have come along this week to try to throw things into that peace.  There have been times when I have succumbed to the pressure, but each time, God has turned my eyes, heart, thoughts back to Him and the peace has invaded my soul again.

I feel like He is asking me to just stay close to Him, resting in His embrace.  I feel like I am truly covered with His feathers and finding refuge under His wings.  (see Psalm 91)  I am just standing next to Him, waiting as He points to something and says, “Try that, there.  See how this stretches you?  This is where I want you to go.”

One new little assignment He gave me that started this week.  I don’t see the big picture.  I’m not supposed to.  He does though.  I am choosing to trust.  Choosing to take the time to see what He sees and to listen like He wants me to.

I am choosing to actively believe Him.  Walking in faith.  Walking, not just believing IN God, but BELIEVING Him.  Believing Him leads to hope...

I want God to later say of me, “By faith Heather….”




Though this post is a bit late for the Walk with Him Wednesdays, I couldn't help but join in on this discussion this week, because I saw how God was working through time in my life - and asking me to take the time with Him I needed.

Please hop over to A Holy Experience and meet Ann.  You are in for a treat.

God's fingerprints...

It has been such a long weekend.  Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well.  People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening. 

We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD.  We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.

When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though.  I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.  When I woke, I felt much worse.  But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.

So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning.  When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving.  I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting.  After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.

After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in.  I was right.  I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection.  So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.

But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.

Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.

Something big happened this morning though.  As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head.  I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers.  But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her.  I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things.  I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.

I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship.  After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time.  When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for.  She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.

We immediately spent time praying for her.  I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.

Praise God she is all right.  A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck.  All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there.  She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.

I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion.  She is the single mom of a young man.  I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened.  One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.

God orchestrated when I would be praying.  He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved.  He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did.  God also orchestrated our church body to help her.  One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it.  One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night.  Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.

God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says.  I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.

faith AND hope - theme for a new year...

I think God has made it clear to me that I have a theme for this coming year.

Wednesday I talked in my post about hope, and how God seemed to impress it upon my heart.

All day yesterday and today, God rather "hit me over the head" to make sure this thick brain would get it, that I needed to focus on faith and hope (It might end up being faith, hope and love.... but right now, faith and hope are the ones that I really feel like God speaking to me about)

I love Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

But I really like how the New Living Translation says it.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

I was reading between different blogs, and all of them were pointing towards faith and hope.

I think that this verse from Hebrews is going to be my anchor verse for 2011.  I am going to have it in the front of my scripture memory spiral, and make sure I keep on hanging on to it throughout the year.

Do you find God leading you to a theme for this new year, or any specific bible verses?  If so, I would love to hear yours.

I am broken inside, and I can't fix me...

As was obvious from my last post, I have been struggling with some times of darkness.

I have been trying to figure out what is causing it. I have asked God to reveal it to me. I know there is a cause. I know there is something that I am running from, and something that God is trying to work on me and in me.

He is trying to break me. I am broken inside, and I can't fix me, though I try. So I cover up. I cope. I run.

What He wants is for me to stop running.
What He wants is to break me...

...in the right way.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I started to listen to God, at least a little bit. I just laid there and said to Him, "I can't do this day. I can't do the fighting and outbursts from my son and the anger and tension that has been there since Thursday night."

I felt like He said to me, "pray."

"Um, God. I am"

"No. Really pray about it."

And so I did.

I got the distinct impression that I really needed to take a spiritual stand in our house, that morning, that moment. I prayed and took my stand against the enemy of our souls. I know now without a doubt that the angry elephant in the room (courtesy of my friend, Elaine) was trying to get me to concede to him ground that wasn't his in the first place. I needed to take my stand and say that this house, this family, my heart and mind were not Satan's, but God's.

The day got better.

Though I didn't get much more time with Jesus that day, the whole day had a different flavor than the one before.

In the morning, on Sunday, I got up and had a small amount of time to myself before church. I specifically asked God to anoint the worship, and our Pastor's sermon, to fill the church with His Spirit, and to cover us all with His blood, so that our ears would be unstopped and hearts open to hear His word, receive it, and do something with it.

Finally at church, God broke through the barriers I had set up against Him.

Our pastor spoke out of the book of Hosea - speaking of Hosea's marriage as a parallel to Israel's life, but also to our own, and how God has taken everything He had, His very Son, to buy us back from slavery and reconcile His Bride to Himself.

These were a few things that I wrote in my journal.

(figuratively speaking - NOT literal)

How many times God have I danced with other men? How many times have I loved others? How many times have I prostituted myself to others, to other gods, sold myself out, committed adultery against you?

Yet you still pursue me. Why? You still want me. ME. You still love me. You allowed me today to feel you as I clung to you in faith today, in worship... You turned around my thoughts - helped me to have someone to confess to, clearly and honestly what was going on in my life, yesterday. You awoke today my need for You, my desperateness for You - my depravity without You. You love ME.

Again, in the middle of the sermon:

In the midst of my faithlessness and adultery, His love for me has come, covered me like a mighty flood - smooths out my rough edges - like a jagged rock under a waterfall - until I am beautiful and pure before Him.

These thoughts were the preparation for what God revealed next to me. For the most part, for the record, I believe that I am loved by God, fully forgiven and fully loved. I know that in my heart.

But how deeply?

Pastor Kim shared that reconciliation begins with forgiveness, but doesn't end there. Reconciliation is living in a relationship with a God who is our Husband.

That my friends is an intimate relationship. That is a scary relationship. Knowing and being fully known. Being willing to open yourself up to the other, trusting your heart to them, trusting they won't hurt you.

But so many times, here on earth we do hurt our spouses. I know I have. Hurt him, and been hurt.

Our relationships with our spouses are an imperfect reflection of our marriage relationship with Christ. Jesus will never hurt us. He will never walk away from us if we hurt His heart. By dancing with other "men" - other "gods."

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. there is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

(sorry, but this is getting long... so, yes... to be continued)

Advent of Trust #19; a family

About 3 weeks ago or so, our small group leader called everyone in the small group to see if we were ok with a couple of new people coming to our group.

We all said yes, and so this week was the 3rd week they have been with us.

I was concerned about how they would fit in, and if they would feel at home. I have been hosting lately because the kids have been with us every week, because of my work schedule now. So, everyone comes here, so that I can get the kids to bed on time, so that they aren't too tired the next day with school and all.

I was nervous too, about having two new people coming in. I mean, I clean for small group coming over, but finally got over my perfectionism enough to be able to let some things go when my friends came over. However, with two new people coming, I found myself getting all tied in knots and unable to focus on one thing at a time!

You know what? I should have trusted God in the first place when we were asked to fold two new people into our small group. Hmmm..... You think???

I let my mind and my preconceived ideas take over, and was unable to relax.

This past week, the kids happened to be gone at the farm for the night. I was able to really relax and enjoy everyone.

After talking with one of the gals a bit as we were making coffee drinks for everyone, and after our discussion in the living room later.... I realized that this was for all of our good and for God's glory. It was good for us to shake up our normal conversations, and comfortable assumptions.

Having two new gals here to question us, and seek answers from God, search the word with us, and share their experiences, has been invigorating... at least for me.

God showed me again to TRUST HIM, even with changing up some of our dynamics within our small group.

This Sunday (the 20th) after church, our small group is gathering with my husbands family to celebrate my son's and my birthday. One of our new members is going to join us out there. I am so thrilled, because I want to get to know her. She is warm and genuine, though she is a bit standoffish in the beginning, she has grown in just the past couple of weeks to open up to us and share.

I am thankful that God has brought both of these precious women into our small group. God has led a unique bunch of people together, bonded us with His love and trust in Him. He has united us in one purpose, to seek Him first, build up and encourage one another, and to learn what it is like to live, love and serve together, as a family.

I am grateful to have been called to such a position in such a family.
I am grateful that He helped me to trust Him enough to open up and trust this family He brought me into.

Advent of Trust #14; Beauty in scars

I was reading a devotional the other day by Jennifer Rothschild called "Fresh Grounded Faith." This is what I read:

"[Our] beauty comes from the radiance of Christ that is best revealed through our scars. It's a compelling strength that becomes realized only in our weakness. It's a beauty forged in the refining fire of trials, and a loveliness fashioned on the anvil of faithfulness."
(Day 1, Page 15)

I want Christ's radiance to be shown through me. Every day, in every way.

It won't if I hang onto control of my life. If I insulate and isolate myself from life, and don't allow myself to be really touched by life, by anyone, Christ won't be seen in me.

I won't take risks where my weakness is seen, so His strength can fill me.
I won't be wounded by life, and healed by Him.
I won't face trials, and be refined and perfected.

I desire that loveliness. But that loveliness doesn't just come. Jennifer's quote says that it comes on "the anvil of faithfulness."

An anvil sounds painful doesn't it?

It takes a lot of faithfulness to stay on that anvil when life pounds you down flat. It takes trust in the Master and His ability to use the heat, the pounding, the pain in just the right way to mold you and shape you into who He wants you to be.

Only by being pounded, shaped, polished, refined will His beauty be reflected in us, out of us. Only then will His beauty shine out of us. Through the wounds the scars that run so deep, and mark our character for Him.

Lord, may your beauty shine through me. May my scars shine with Your radiance, so others don't see me, but You. May I prove to be trusting in You to the very end. Grow my trust in You, and deepen it even more, so that I may walk into a whole new level of relationship with you. Amen

the end of a week, and the commissioning

I was sitting here tonight at the end of the night, ready to call it a day. I have looked around the house. Seen the mess resulting from the things I have done this week... and things I haven't done.

There have been late nights, little sleep, good intentions, some hard work, some accomplished, feeling that there is a lot more to accomplish (with not enough time). There have been good choices and bad ones. Some temptations withstood, some - well, not so much. There have been fights and anger to break up, tired kids to deal with, meals to think up... and many things that fell through the cracks.

Hopes for time away, to spend alone with God have fallen through as far as I can tell, and as far as I can plan on my own. But He knows better what I need, and where my attention and time would be best spent. So all I can do is grab what time I do have. Whether that is in the car driving somewhere, 10 minutes after I wake up, or the 10 minutes before bed, or the few moments I get alone in the bathroom, in the shower....

I know it isn't something likely to happen easily in the stage of life I am in; but what I wouldn't give to have a whole day... one whole day... to spend alone with God. No time constraints. No concerns about being home by a certain time, or guilt if I am gone too long. Somewhere I could sit and pray, sing and worship, or get flat on my face on the floor before God - sob and cry out to him as loud as I need to.

But God knows what I need. I keep saying that.
I have to.
Maybe that way I will get it drilled into my head and heart;
rather than resenting that I don't always get what I want.

I mean, for real...
I don't want to end up resenting the very gifts that God has given me. What does that say of me? What does that say of my relationship with my Father? What does that say of my trust in Jesus, or my faith in Him?

This growing and maturing thing really stinks sometimes. It's hard, it's painful, and "it's not fun in here" as a good friend of mine would say.

This stage of life I am maturing into is one of self sacrifice for others. Preferring others over self, and putting their needs and desires above my own wants. Trusting God to give what I need.

What is so hard about this is that I don't know where the line is between giving up "my stuff" to sacrifice for my family and still having an outlet and taking care of myself so that I will have something to give to my family.

Where is that line?

I suppose it is different for everyone, so I can't expect a pat answer. I just don't want to fall back into the old way of doing things where I completely forget about taking care of myself in the midst of being there for my family, doing everything I need to for them, and the extra things to help things run more smoothly (like looking for and getting a job, etc). I also don't want to seem (or be) unwilling to let go of "my" stuff, and place all my stuff and my wants and desires above my loved ones. I want them to know that they come first in my life... above all the things I could do, or other people I could be with, the activities and involvements.

I guess that was part of my dropping out of Wausau Lyric Choir. I felt like God was calling me to show my family that they are more important to me, and that I am willing to drop out of things that take away from the health of our family. That doesn't mean I won't go back (unless WLC has just been for this season, and God has something totally different for me).

I needed to show that I was willing to give up something I loved for someone else. I still have musical outlets and outside activities. It was a tearing up of roots though. It was painful. Still is.

God knows the desires of my heart, and the heart of my desires.
That's why I had to post the commissioning from the Living Proof Live Simulcast in Green Bay, WI. God keeps reminding me to delight myself in Him. He keeps reminding me that He delights in me.

So, for my sisters AND brothers who are reading this.... this is a reminder for me, and you to have faith in our Big God! Keep trusting. Keep doing the next right thing. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Even when it is scary and we can't see our next step, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will guide us through it all.

My Dear Sister (or brother!)

God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.

Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.

When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW.

Are you jealous?
Are you angry?
Are you worried?

Roll it all on Jesus
He's strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.

Trust God with all your heart.

Now leave this place
And go into the world
And do some GOOD.

gardening gloves...

I was so tired this past week from VBS I could hardly think about anything. It also was so hot here, I was hibernating inside as much as I could, in the air conditioning. When I did go outside, I was in the sun, and managed to give myself a really good sunburn. I finally started feeling less pain from it 4 days later!

I have barely been able to keep up with a few blogs, and with some writing I need to do on my speeches for She Speaks.

But this past Friday I was able to get together with my friend Cindy. We talked through the chapter of the book we are on, and then talked. A lot.

It was a wonderful time of sharing for both of us. We didn't have any time constraints or anything, so we were able to just relax and not feel rushed. I was able to share a song I was doing for special music at church... talk about our family's of origin... go out to lunch together and do a bit of shopping... and I was also able to share what I already have done with my talks. It helped to talk to her, because it gave me some good constructive feedback, and gave me an idea of what I have to work on.

Just being with her got my brain working and processing again. I mean, I could hardly string two thoughts together prior to Friday!

I was all worked up about church on Sunday, because our Wednesday night worship rehearsal didn't seem to go very well to me, and I felt like I really hadn't been together with the band very well, and I was the team leader. I also hadn't been practicing my music for special music very long, and didn't have that worked out well either.

Cindy reminded me that God is the one who fills me and will enable me to do all things.

Our VBS director came in on the third day of VBS and said that she had nothing left to give for the week. She was tired and done. She had been poking around in her garage before leaving the house, and found an old gardening glove and brought it in with her.

She said that she was that glove. The glove could do nothing on its own. It couldn't garden, it couldn't pull weeds, nothing. It wasn't until she put her hand inside, that it could do anything. She reminded us that we are all gloves. We can't do anything on our own. It's the Holy Spirit filling us that enables us to move or do anything.

When Cindy reminded me that Sunday was in God's hands, I told her about that glove analogy. It just fit right in with what we were talking about.

So, here is a question for you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?

Is there something that you are facing, that is coming up (like She Speaks, or any "one time" event) that you are feeling less than capable of? Is there something in your life, or the life of your family that is more than overwhelming?

God has given us His most precious gift in His Son, and in His Spirit, indwelling us. Whether you feel it or not, He is there. He is an untapped power source. The very power that raised Jesus from the dead is given to us.

Tap into that power. Tell God that you can't do this. That is all He is waiting for. For you, and me, to admit that we can't do it. Then He asks us to step aside and watch Him work.

When I was in VBS and said to Him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't possibly teach these children any music, God stepped in. His Spirit filled me to overflowing, and taught those kids the music, intervening with discipline as needed. I remember almost watching myself from a 3rd person perspective on Thursday and Friday, realizing that there was no way that was me doing that.

I realized this past week, as my brain finally started to function again, that God had totally blown apart a box I had put myself, and Him, in.

I said to myself that there was no way I could teach kids music, especially in a classroom setting. Even though I feel more freed up than ever about using my abilities in the area of music, I didn't even realize just how much of a strangle hold this lie had on me. I didn't even think it was a lie. It almost kept me from doing VBS at all... because up to this year, I didn't have to teach music in a classroom setting, I just had to teach the music in the openings and closings of VBS. This time I had a music rotation I was in charge of.

Now that VBS is done, and I saw what God did for me, and through me, something is radically different. That box, that LIE "I can't teach music to kids, and discipline and do the classroom thing," has been show false.... Well, and true in a way. By myself, no I can't teach music, etc. But through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, trusting in His strength, not just trying to make it on my own, I can.

I did.

When I realized that truth... that I am free to teach music, or do anything with music, I could hardly believe it.

I tried to share it with my small group this past week, and had a hard time putting it into words.

The best I have come up with yet is this.

The box is gone, and I am suddenly standing in this bright, open, sunny field. The sun is on my face, the wind in my hair, and I am waiting for God to show me which direction to start to walk. I know He has a specific ministry for me, beyond what I do now. I don't know what it is, or what it will look like. But I know that waiting in this place is good. I know He will continue to equip me for whatever it is. I know that He will continue to uproot the lies that are still buried deep.

Best of all, I know He is in me, with me, filling me with His Holy Spirit. It won't be me doing it, it will be Him.

So again, I ask you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?
Can you imagine yourself in that open field with me?
A world of possibilities before you?

Tell Him you can't do it. Verbalize it. Out loud. Then ask Him specifically to help you. He will. He will answer that prayer. He is answering it even now, though you may not know it or feel it.

poured out...

If this is what it feels like to be poured out, I think I like it and want to feel this way again, more often.

I emptied myself last week at VBS. It was hard work. Stretching work for me, to teach and really lead as much as I did. It was hard for me to move beyond my comfort zone, and really try to connect with the kids as I taught them.

My comfort zone in this area was imposed upon me by a belief in a set lies. Lies that were embedded early on in my life as a believer.... lies that I couldn't teach, that I had no right to be up in front of kids, and worst yet, that my musical skills weren't and never would be strong enough to do anything with in the realm of teaching.

But last week, I pushed those aside, begged God to fill me and be more than enough for me, and I taught. I helped the kids learn music that was based around the themes of the days teachings. I taught them some sign language and such to go along with the songs to help them remember them. I led them in the closing celebration for their parents and friends. Then Sunday morning, the kids who were at church who had been in VBS, came up front and we sang and signed our theme song for the week for the church.

God met me. God filled me. God enabled me.

Instead of holding back when I felt God calling, I stepped out of my normal comfort zone and pushed through and did what He asked me to do.

This Sunday, after church was done, we all headed to Sunday school. Peter in particular was pushing to go to the farm right after the service. Earlier he had wanted to go to Sunday school, but when he realized that he was going to have to wait longer to go to the farm, he got fed up with me and started to melt down because I was making him stay.

We sat in the back of the adult class until I saw his teacher come through, and then I moved with Peter and Marina, and took them into their classroom. Once they were in there, Peter settled in. When they came out, all Peter could talk about was how much fun he had. Marina enjoyed it too.

I was proud of myself for having pushed through on something else that was uncomfortable for me. Taking the kids to church on my own, taking them to Sunday school for the first time, rather than giving into their demands of leaving right away.

But talking about being poured out...

This whole past weekend I could hardly string two thoughts together. I couldn't relax at the coffee shop. I couldn't unwind at the farm. After some sleep Saturday night, I was able to relax some on Sunday, and think a bit more clearly. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap at the farm Sunday afternoon. Came home and slept a full night last night too.

But woke up just drained again today. Drained and crabby!!! Yuck. I hate it when I wake up that way.

And sick. I have a wicked sore throat, that won't seem to go away.

But this usually happens to me when I really stress myself and give all I have got. I found it always happened in collage at the semesters end. I would come home for Christmas break or summer break and immediately get sick. It never failed.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I remember someone saying that they wanted to be one of the ones who left all they had out on the field.

I think I left it all out on the field last week.

I am tired and done in and toasted... mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually too. I just haven't been able to focus on God much since then. I want to, and I attempt to pray, but a few words come out, (or get journaled) and then I drift off. I can't seem to keep my mind on task.

So, now that I think Marina is finally asleep... (she has been fighting sleep all week.. staying up later each night... even when she doesn't have a nap and has been running all day) ...I am going to try to spend even a few quiet minutes with God here at the end of my day, and go get some sleep too.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind comments. This has been a week to remember, and if I can remember it long enough I will journal about it so that I don't forget what I have learned. Of course, maybe that is what this post, and the last one are about...

A reminder of what it is like to pour myself out, to follow God, to push out the boundaries of my comfort zone, and to expand and grow and find new confidence in God to equip me for what He is calling me to.

That's what it is all about.

He called me, I answered.
He equipped me, I poured myself out.

He did the work through me, I just obeyed and did what He told me. We make a good team that way. Much better than when I try to tell Him what He is supposed to be doing.

(Hmm. I do that way too much!)

Pouring out.
Service.
Sacrifice.

That is what God is about. As our theme song for the VBS week said:

"This is the way of the Kingdom of God!"



P.S. If I get the time, I will put up a post with a few pictures from VBS, so you can see a few of the things that happened at our church this past week... I am too tired now to do it, so hopefully tomorrow it will happen as I try to survive the heat!

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 8

I am posting SO late on some of these chapters, but I just re-read Chapter 8 and 9 of our book, "An Untroubled Heart," and felt like I needed to post on them. If you want to join in our study, hop over to Lelia's site to either join in, or read other posts on each chapter.

Chapter 8: Overcoming the fear of the Unknown

So much of my life has been consumed by worrying. I have found myself worrying about the future. Then, in my worry, I have tried to figure out what all the different possibilities could be that might happen, and plan for each one. I might not "physically" prepare, but I "mentally" prepare, and plan out my actions.

It has driven me insane at times, because, even in the little things if I plan something out and it changes, then I feel like I am thrown for a loop. I get all bent out of shape, because the control I was trying to have over the future, is suddenly wrenched away from me.

"In order for us to experience His life in ours, we have to make a choice. We can either continue to live our lives our own way - by holding on to fear, doubt, and control - or we can die to self and allow Jesus to live His life of wisdom, faith, power, and holiness through us."

"Yielding to God's will means that when we come face-to-face with a problem we've never encountered before, we can maintain our peace and actually look forward to the next step God has for us."

It's hard to make that choice to let things go and trust in God. But the freedom after making that decision is more than worth the struggle to let go.

Even the pain of situations is worth the hurt.

"...unpleasant things will happen to us in this world. They're out of our control. Yet in God's economy, every fear, every pain, every sorrow, and every loss is not wasted. God uses these little deaths to make us more like Him."

As I suffer through something, a part of my character is changed to look more like God. It is not always easy, and does cause some pain at times as God chisels away at us, removing things that need to be taken away so that we look more and more like Him. As we let Him chisel away at our imperfections, not only do we look more and more like Him, we become more and more like the people He created us to be.

Our characters change from the small (and big) deaths in our lives. We also gain because we get closer to God. Our relationship becomes deeper. We trust Him more. Surrendering our fears of the unknown, and letting go of that desire to control our own future, and trusting ourselves to His care (even when it hurts) changes us, deepens our relationship with God, and makes it more possible for us to engage with others. We are able to share our difficulties with others, the lessons we have learned, and help them through difficulties of their own.

God is so good, even when it is hard.

It has been hard these past few weeks, but God has proved so faithful. When I finally have surrendered to Him, He has changed my heart and helped me surrender to Him. He has helped me trust Him on a deeper level.

And that is worth everything.

Refuge, strength, and scripture memory...

I have been struggling for several days to come up with a scripture verse for the scripture memory challenge that Beth Moore is hosting.

Usually, I can sit down the day before, or the day it is due. I pray and ask God to show me the right verse. Usually, after a bit of prayer, and spending some time in the Word, and using a bible program to do some word or phrase searches for me I can come up with something pretty quickly.

Nope.

Not this week.
It just wasn't happening.

Last time, I was looking for something that talked about having and undivided heart or mind. That single-minded approach to God, to following Him. I found that in Psalm 86:11-13. It reminded me of the things He has done for me, and also the things that I need to keep doing... praising His name, and seeking to walk in His will... His truth.

This time, I started looking for something that would spin off of the last verse. I wanted something more to talk about an undivided mind or heart. I wanted something that I thought would speak to me in the next week + but that wasn't God's plan.

I have been searching the last couple of days.

Finally today I emailed Cindy and asked her to shoot my way any scripture references about God's comfort or provision. She sent several my way. Not one of them fit with my heart. I just wasn't satisfied. I still felt unsettled. However, something in one of the verses she sent me started me on another search.

This time I looked up "refuge." I have felt the need for comfort, for the reminder that God is my refuge and strength. I have needed the reminder of His peace.

I am still fighting some in my heart a resistance to fully surrender some areas of my life to Him. I need something to encourage me to do so... to really trust Him.

These were the verses I found.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Selah."

Psalm 62:5-8

Is there anything more perfect than that?
Not for me.
At least, not this time around!

It is a reminder for me that He is my fortress, my refuge, my safety, my "safe place." It reminds me to trust in Him, because He hears my heart. He hears my cries. He knows them before I even cry them out, and He still is safe to go to.

It also reminds me of something I am learning I need more and more. These verses remind me to remind myself that I need rest. Rest in Jesus. Nothing else in this world is going to give me the rest that my very soul craves and longs for. Nothing I turn to will give me relief.

Jesus is the answer.
Jesus is the only way to true peace and joy.
Jesus is the only true "safe place" for our hearts.
Jesus is the one my salvation and honor depends upon.

Nothing else will do.
No one else will do.

He is it.

Now if only, along with the memorization, my heart can really take hold of the meaning of these words.

I pray God that Your word will take hold of me... and change me and rock me to my very core.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 5 and 6

All right, folks, I feel SO way behind here. I thought to myself when I started this book that I wouldn't let myself get caught posting two chapters at once. And that I would keep up, and post on Tuesdays... yeah, well, like Lelia said this week, life gets in the way, and it has been a crazy week or so.
If you want to see more posts about our Yes to God study, pop over to Lelia's site and enjoy!

Chapter 5: Family Matters

A lot in this chapter really hit me. I sat and read it and took notes as I went through, on the things that were popping out at me, and the questions it raised in my head.

I really had a lot of questions raised when I read this quote from Micca.
"Looking back on this frightful time, I can't help but wonder what Pat and I were building into our children - faith or fear? As Christians, we should be the last people to be afraid of anything."

I agree with this part...

"We claim what Paul asks us in Romans 8:31 - 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' - but act otherwise when the foundation of our home is shaken. Our children shouldn't see fear in us. We can't say with our mouths that we trust God and contradict that trust with our actions." (emphasis mine)

Ok... this is where I struggle. I agree that hypocrisy is an issue here... when we say that God being with us should give us no reason to fear anything, because He will never leave us or forsake us, but then act fearfully, and show that fear to our kids, it is self destructing. They are much more likely to follow our actions than our words.

Maybe our kids shouldn't see fear in us. But they do. I know my kids have. All the time, in me.

Case in point.
My son.
Peter.
5 years old.

I am seeing a growing fear in him, it has been growing in him this past year. So slowly that I don't think I really realized it was happening. Ever since he was born I have struggled with depression (that, I knew) and anxiety (which I identified later). I am sorry, but babies and little kids are so tuned into parents emotions, and stress and tension and anxiety... because they are looking to their parents for a sense of well-being, that if you are fearful, they are going to pick up on it. I don't care how hard you try to hide it.

I know I have tried to hide it plenty. But it is still there. I am excited for instance for my son to go to full time kindergarten next year. But I am apprehensive, wondering if public school is the right choice for him. Once he gets into it, I think he will be ok, but well... I don't want him to close down the way I know I did when I was young. I also think, from the talks I have had with my mother in law, that Dave did the same thing.

I have seen this anxiety rising in him all year. He is great when at school. He still plays alongside other kids rather than with them, but seems comfortable with his surroundings, the teachers and other classmates. But when something new gets thrown into his schedule, he tends to melt down. Either emotional melt downs at home, or immediate reactions of fear.

I really realized the extent of it, or maybe God showed me just recently. I was sharing with Peter about a school field trip he is going to be going on to a local zoo. With his whole class and teachers on a school bus (I drive him to school cause it's so close right now). His immediate reaction?

Fear.
Shrinking back.
Saying he didn't want to go.

Recently as we have been praying at night, he has mentioned having bad dreams. So I have prayed specifically in that area for him. Then when we are done praying I have re-assured him that God is with him and will never leave him alone. Peter's response? "Yes He will. He doesn't stay here with me. He never does. He always leaves me alone."

So, in his first years of life, did I sow fear or faith?

Yes, our children shouldn't see fear in us. But I think they are going to pick up on it, whether we want them to or not. Because we are fallible and we are going to be afraid, even when we don't want to be.

"By putting into practice what we learn from God's Word, we make knowledge a reality in our life. One step of trust leads to another until we find ourselves living carefree in His tender care. Sometimes it's necessary to repeat these steps when fear returns, pounding on our hearts. That's okay. Repeating the process is exercising faith, not fear."

That is how they see us walking in faith not fear. They are going to see us succumb to fear, but they are also going to need to see us overcoming that fear and trusting in God, instead.

Chapter 6: Learning to Trust Again

Learning to trust again has been a huge project for me. I have encountered so much betrayal and rejection. There were instances of it prior to my becoming a Christian. But the worst of it was after I became a Christian, the instances of betrayal and rejection came one on top of another and from other Christians.

"God cares for you greatly. We are His joy and delight."

"I've found that when I'm overcome with fear, I'm not really looking for answers but for the assurance that God is near, that He's in control, and that He cares about me and my circumstances. God does care."

Slowly I have learned to trust that God is who He says He is, and that He will do what He says He will do. I have learned that He is trustworthy. Humans may fail me. No, they WILL fail me. I will feel betrayed again. I will probably be thrown down into a pit by someone again.

But I have learned that the things others have meant for evil, God will work for my good and His glory.

For so long I ignored and built up walls to protect myself. I only let a few people inside, and still felt a world of hurt. I hid the hurt. Behind a big brick wall.

I had a choice to make. We all have a choice to make.
"We can either die in our fear of rejection, or like Joseph we can trust again through forgiveness."

I have been able to bring that wall down over the past year or so. Counseling was a big help. But so was God's provision of a close family group from my church and a very good friend who was willing walk with me through the healing process. He also provided me with an outlet through my blog, and all my new friends here.

I can look back at the past couple of years, and at what I have experienced in my life. Though I would never wish this stuff on anyone. I can say that I can see how God is working it all for good in my life.

Yes, it hurts.
Yes, the healing hurts.
Yes, it IS worth it all.

"We can focus on the worries, burdens, and fears of our limited experience and miss the joy that can be ours or, like Joseph, we can take the risk, venture out, and truly believe that God has a plan. Not just any kind of plan, but one that is so good we'll be able to look back and say it was worth it."

Taking the risk is hard. Hard to trust God, and hard to trust that He will really redeem things for you. It is hard to venture out. Very scary at times. It takes a lot of hard work, gritting the teeth and getting things done.

I can remember than my counselor asked me many times in session if I "wanted to go there." She was giving me the option to back out, and not push through right then. I remember answering her, "No, I don't want to go there. But I know that I need to." I came out of those sessions so exhausted. But God did some amazing things when I was willing to cooperate with Him.

His love has flooded through my barren places. He has filled and healed me in ways I never thought possible. My God has redeemed the years the locusts have eaten...

...and there is so much more to come!

As Cindy said, it is going to be a wild ride. Hang on to God. He has amazing plans for all of us.