One season ending, a New One starting

So last week was a faith-step for me, when I told Tricia that was my last appointment with her.

Tuesday, was another one for me.

I was able to tell my psychiatrist that I was done counseling, and that I had been skipping meds, but now was stable on them again.  I also told him that I really was doing better.   And I was telling the truth!  After some discussion, we were able to definitely agree that we aren’t going to change any medications right now, and not rock the boat and see how things go.

I told him one of the things I was looking forward to was a summer with my family.

The last few summers have been shadowed by other things.  Pain and heartache, and difficult things that took my mind and focus off my family.

I will still be balancing work and family this summer.  I will still be dealing with “things,” because we always have “things” and stuff that we have to deal with from time to time.

But I want a really great summer with my kids, where we can have fun and play and spontaneously run to visit grandparents, or friends, or go to a beach – in another state if we want.  Just get away as much as we can and have fun.

God has stuff in store for me.  I don’t know what it is, but I know it is good.  He has a new country for me, my promised land.  All I have to do is finish crossing the Jordan River and get my feet on the shore.  He will always be with me and walk with me.  I just need to follow Him.

I have such a sense of a season ending.  A new one is starting.  I haven’t felt something like this before.  Not like this, with such hope involved in it. 

When I look back at the posts here on this blog, and see all the ways that God has helped me, been with me and saved me, over and over…. I have realized something.

Beth Moore was talking about standing stones in the “Believing God” bible study.  How God told the Israelites to take 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan River and stand them up.  Then their children would ask, “What do these stones mean?”  Then they could tell of how faithful God was in saving them out of Egypt.  He parted the Red Sea, and stayed with them through the desert.  He gave them the commandments to live by, the laws and rules that would set them apart.  He gave them food and water, just enough, just when they needed it.  Their clothes and shoes never wore out.  And after 40 years of wandering, He brought them back to the Jordan River, across on dry ground into their promised land.

This blog is full of standing stones.

I can see where He has taken me out of the slavery of my “Egypt” and walked me through a parted Red Sea.  But I had to wander for “forty years” in the “desert” of depression, painful memories, and a darkness of my thoughts that terrified me.

Yet God never let me completely wear out.  He never let me down.  He always provided what I needed, exactly when I needed it.  He proved Himself over and over. 

He has taught me how to live, given me boundaries that fall in pleasant places.  I have learned from Jesus what it is to rely on Him and His Father, my Father.  He has set me apart to serve Him, to stand out from the culture, not by what I say, or even do, but by how I live.  How I live, really live, alive and full of joy is what sets me apart, and draws others to me, to Him.

After all my wandering He has brought me to the Jordan River and asked me again if I am ready to cross it.  I think I have been here before, at least seen it in passing, but now I am ready to cross.  It took a while for me to be ready, and even now I am not ready.  But I have surrendered everything to Him.

What else can I do but follow.  For I know that is the best.

So, now I have crossed my Jordan River, and I have set my feet for the first time in my Promised Land.  I don’t know all the length and breadth of it.  I don’t know everything it contains.  I don’t know what my “Jericho” will be, or what God will have me do, while He knocks those walls down.  

But I have faith in my God.  I know that He will do it. 

I believe Him.  Because I know Him. Because He has made Himself known to me.

He has shown me Himself, His glory, and called me His own.  I am His treasured possession, His beloved daughter.  A princess of the King of Glory.  I get to call Him my Daddy.

I am loved by Him.

And OH!  How I love Him.

“LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
   you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
   surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
   even at night my heart instructs me.”

Psalm 16:5-7

reminder of His love in pain

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful.  Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving.  It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe."  Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love.  In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now).  This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship.  It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of.  We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time.  I have been reeling some since Monday night.  It was hard work folks!  I was so raw when I left Tricia's office.  I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted.  I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor.  I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car.  Pretty quickly I started sobbing.  I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching.  I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly.  My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying.  Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room.  And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship.  I am fighting with it for sure.  I know the truth.  It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart.  It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to.  So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word.  As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart.  And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!"  Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time.  I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God.   The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me.  And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!!  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord.  I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

Exhaustion and choices

Lack of enough sleep really does me in.

The last couple of nights or so have been late ones, besides the fact that I was sleeping on the couch to give my visiting parents a bed to sleep in.  Needless to say I didn't sleep the greatest or long enough.

The tiredness has increased the "weight" that I have been feeling sneaking in around the edges the last few days. God is still good.  He is still in control.  I was still able to worship Him today at church.

I just feel that depression building up again.  Besides being tired, I really wish I knew its source.  It's hard to figure out because I just don't see it.  Though I know right now exhaustion is playing into it big time, it's still frustrating to see and feel the anxiety and know that I have to walk this road.

So I am choosing today to try, despite distractions and frustrations with the kids, to cling to the truth.  I'm working on keeping my focus on God.  I am struggling to stay open to Him and keep myself in an attitude of submission and surrender.

It's not an easy process and I am definitely struggling.  It's hard when all I want to do is sleep.

But I am clinging to God - and better yet, He is holding me with His righteous right hand.  His hands are holding me and that's stronger... stronger than any way I could cling to him in my own strength.

Thank you Jesus for holding me.  Thank you for always meeting me where I am at.  Thank you for loving me so much that You became sin for me, so that I might become Your righteousness.  You are so good.  Thank You for Your peace in the midst of depression and pain.  Please continue to uphold me and strengthen me for this road you have me on.  Give me the peace that passes understanding and the joy inexpressible that only comes from you.  I love you - help me to keep falling deeper in love with You every day.

Falling in love

I'm falling in love all over again.

Yes, I really am.  And I never thought it would quite be like this.

First God talked to me about surrendering and letting go.



He started pulling me out and away from people and things in my life that were a significant part of my "normal."

Then, God changed the "surrender" word to "submit," and it was like a light bulb going on.

"Oh.  All of me, he wants me to lay it all down on the alter.... and it's not an "it" at all, its ME He wants."

Yeah, I know.  Sometimes it takes me a while.

Some situations sprang up in my life at that point that forced me to submit because there was no way I was going to handle it all on my own strength.  The only way to get through was to submit my days to Him and rely on His strength, not my own.

There were some really dark days there.

Then God did something to me last week Friday, that has lasted all week.  He helped me really become a part of one of the stories in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 5. It was amazing the changes He did in my heart overnight through that simple account of a woman's healing.

I am only starting to grasp what happened when I reached out to touch the hem of His robe last week.

The story was instrumental in my coming to Christ originally.  I said that in my last post.  But what occurred to me just now, as I was writing this, is that it is also very instrumental in my falling in love all over again.

In the Breaking Free study, Beth Moore talks about how much she is in love with Jesus, and how He is the first and greatest joy in her life... and that she was jealous for all of us to have that type of love relationship with Him.  Then another study, that I just picked up again after a long while, last night no less... made the point about us falling in love with Jesus, because that is what is so contagious to others.  Our head over heels, abandoned love for Jesus.

Really, God?

It hit me this morning and I realized the next puzzle piece has fallen into place.  It fits.

Letting go of the things I esteem so highly, and let God take care of them.
Surrender each and every little piece God points out to me of my heart.
Submit my all to Him so that His plans for me become my plans and I just follow along.

As I thought about all this today, I still felt His call to submit and surrender.  I thought about falling in love again with Him.  I thought about how resistant I felt about that whole idea.  Because I thought it had to look a certain way or something.  I kept thinking, "Well, I can't be like so and so, she has all the time she needs to do whatever to fall in love with You. And I can't be like so and so, because I can't live at that pace, and that seems to be how she falls in love with You."

I kept comparing myself.

Finally I heard God's small voice say, "Stop."
I did.

I felt like He really pointed out to me another area I was resisting Him, another spot where I was telling Him to wait, to hold off, to not get too close to that "thing" there.

I told Him I wasn't going to do that.  That I was going to submit to Him right away.  I had already made that commitment nearly 2 weeks ago.  Yet, here I was telling Him wait again.  But this time, instead of beating myself up over it, it was just another light bulb coming on.

It was immediate surrender.

I don't know what this falling in love with God all over again thing looks like.  Not for me.  I see what it looks like in some lives I am exposed to, near and far.

I told God that I didn't know what to do.

Then He reminded me of what I did when I was first in love with my husband.  We would sit on the couch and I would snuggle up against him with my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.

That's what Jesus wants me to do, just settle in with Him and listen to His heartbeat, and let the rest flow from there.  He's got it anyway.  It's His plans.  My life is His.  He is mine.  I am bought, redeemed, loved, His bride.  He loves me so much, so much that it hurts.

I think I am falling in love.
All over again.
With the greatest love of my life.
Jesus.

The bonus is, the more in love with Jesus I am, the more it spills out and over into the ones I love.  I love Jesus more, then I will be able to love my husband and family and friends more.  The more I will look like Jesus and less like me.

Oh, my friends, God is so good.  He is so faithful.  I may have more dark days coming.  I may have more challenges ahead.  I have some coming up in the next few weeks.  But my sweet Jesus is so much bigger, better and stronger than all of that.  He is still speaking if you know how to listen.

Just get real quiet with Him.  Snuggle up to Him and listen for His heartbeat.  It doesn't take long, and it doesn't have to be for long.  Just long enough for you to realize that His heartbeat is for you.

He loves you.
Love Him back with all of your heart!
It's worth falling in love all over again!

Embracing your greatest challenge...

I found a post from Lisa Whittle on her recent trip to El Salvador with Compassion International. At the end of it she had this exhortation.

"Don’t be afraid of your challenge in life, whatever it is. Look it in the face and defy it. Embrace it. Own it. Live it, and let it move you to a new place of personal and spiritual discovery. Love it or hate it, you can either challenge it or it will challenge you. Challenge it, and you will win…no matter what the outcome. Because in the process, you will see with eyes of purpose and feel with new waves of passion.

You can wait, sit and wish. You can wonder what it feels like to regain a spiritual pulse. You can watch while someone else comes to a place of understanding that could be yours, if only you were willing to stop being afraid of what you don’t know.

I can’t tell you what to do, and I know you don’t want me to. All I can say is that it is my strongest belief that you find yourself in the midst of your greatest challenge."

My greatest challenge lately has been seeing how depression has been coming back in waves. There are days that it is great, and I feel free. There are other days when I feel like I can't breathe.

There are days when I can release things immediately to God and rest in His presence. There are other days when I find anger and frustration (even with very little things) overtaking me.

This post of Lisa's really challenged me to, yet again, face up my depression toe to toe and not let it make me back down from doing what God wants me to... as a wife, as a mom, in my job, in my walk with Him.

In many ways I have been afraid of the challenges in my life. I have looked at them as something to put my head down and just try to get through. I still find myself fearing things at times.

Depression I have seen as my enemy, robbing me of the joy and peace that could be mine.

Yet, Lisa says that we should embrace our challenge, own it, and live it.

It's hard for me to think about embracing depression - much less to own it and live it? What's that?

I guess I have been doing that to a certain extent already. I have been living it, and it has pushed me from one place to another - a greater sense of living, maturing me, etc. Working through my depression has been a way of growing me into greater personal and spiritual discovery.

I just wish, so many times, that the depression would lift - that I would be able to enjoy life with my kids without so much of a cloud hanging over my head - that I would be able to enjoy my family without so much frustration and yes, even anger at times, hounding me.

I get tired of struggling. I get tired of having to constantly check my thoughts. I know I need to, or I will succumb to the pressure of the lies, and sink even deeper. But can't I get a rest? Can't I get a break?

The last couple of days, since maybe Thursday of this past week, have been a break for me for the most part, and I can praise God for that!

I had a good time away, borrowing a friend's house while she and her husband were gone to have a retreat day. I got just over 5 hours away. Less than I had planned, but more than I have gotten in a long time. I got to spend the rest of the weekend with family at the farm and had a long break from the kids, as they were spending time with cousins that they don't get to see too often.

Those are blessings God has given me. And I have had a break from the depressive thoughts.

I really don't like having to be reminded again and again that I need to persevere, and that I need to keep taking captive my thoughts. I know I need to, but it doesn't make it easier to do it. Especially when I am tired.

Today though, I am going to purpose to look at the positive. I am going to hang onto the truth that I am a beloved child of God, and the apple of His eye. Today I am going to walk out into the cool, bright, sunny day and enjoy it for the gift it is from God.

Another day, another choice to make.

I know this journey through depression has matured me, caused me to find new spiritual discoveries about myself. I guess I have been embracing it, facing it, challenging it, fighting it.... and yes, even owning it.

I still find it really hard to accept that this is going to be with me - probably as long as I am alive on this earth. I may never understand it, but I have to accept it, that this is a tendency of mine - towards depression as a side of weakness to the strengths and gifts God has given me.

My heart is full of the blessings God has given me. And though I may find myself leaning towards fearing what tomorrow may bring, I choose to live in the light of the grace of God today, and to rejoice in His gifts and to soak in His love for me.

May you be able to do that as well.

I am broken inside, and I can't fix me...

As was obvious from my last post, I have been struggling with some times of darkness.

I have been trying to figure out what is causing it. I have asked God to reveal it to me. I know there is a cause. I know there is something that I am running from, and something that God is trying to work on me and in me.

He is trying to break me. I am broken inside, and I can't fix me, though I try. So I cover up. I cope. I run.

What He wants is for me to stop running.
What He wants is to break me...

...in the right way.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I started to listen to God, at least a little bit. I just laid there and said to Him, "I can't do this day. I can't do the fighting and outbursts from my son and the anger and tension that has been there since Thursday night."

I felt like He said to me, "pray."

"Um, God. I am"

"No. Really pray about it."

And so I did.

I got the distinct impression that I really needed to take a spiritual stand in our house, that morning, that moment. I prayed and took my stand against the enemy of our souls. I know now without a doubt that the angry elephant in the room (courtesy of my friend, Elaine) was trying to get me to concede to him ground that wasn't his in the first place. I needed to take my stand and say that this house, this family, my heart and mind were not Satan's, but God's.

The day got better.

Though I didn't get much more time with Jesus that day, the whole day had a different flavor than the one before.

In the morning, on Sunday, I got up and had a small amount of time to myself before church. I specifically asked God to anoint the worship, and our Pastor's sermon, to fill the church with His Spirit, and to cover us all with His blood, so that our ears would be unstopped and hearts open to hear His word, receive it, and do something with it.

Finally at church, God broke through the barriers I had set up against Him.

Our pastor spoke out of the book of Hosea - speaking of Hosea's marriage as a parallel to Israel's life, but also to our own, and how God has taken everything He had, His very Son, to buy us back from slavery and reconcile His Bride to Himself.

These were a few things that I wrote in my journal.

(figuratively speaking - NOT literal)

How many times God have I danced with other men? How many times have I loved others? How many times have I prostituted myself to others, to other gods, sold myself out, committed adultery against you?

Yet you still pursue me. Why? You still want me. ME. You still love me. You allowed me today to feel you as I clung to you in faith today, in worship... You turned around my thoughts - helped me to have someone to confess to, clearly and honestly what was going on in my life, yesterday. You awoke today my need for You, my desperateness for You - my depravity without You. You love ME.

Again, in the middle of the sermon:

In the midst of my faithlessness and adultery, His love for me has come, covered me like a mighty flood - smooths out my rough edges - like a jagged rock under a waterfall - until I am beautiful and pure before Him.

These thoughts were the preparation for what God revealed next to me. For the most part, for the record, I believe that I am loved by God, fully forgiven and fully loved. I know that in my heart.

But how deeply?

Pastor Kim shared that reconciliation begins with forgiveness, but doesn't end there. Reconciliation is living in a relationship with a God who is our Husband.

That my friends is an intimate relationship. That is a scary relationship. Knowing and being fully known. Being willing to open yourself up to the other, trusting your heart to them, trusting they won't hurt you.

But so many times, here on earth we do hurt our spouses. I know I have. Hurt him, and been hurt.

Our relationships with our spouses are an imperfect reflection of our marriage relationship with Christ. Jesus will never hurt us. He will never walk away from us if we hurt His heart. By dancing with other "men" - other "gods."

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. there is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

(sorry, but this is getting long... so, yes... to be continued)

Advent of Trust #19; a family

About 3 weeks ago or so, our small group leader called everyone in the small group to see if we were ok with a couple of new people coming to our group.

We all said yes, and so this week was the 3rd week they have been with us.

I was concerned about how they would fit in, and if they would feel at home. I have been hosting lately because the kids have been with us every week, because of my work schedule now. So, everyone comes here, so that I can get the kids to bed on time, so that they aren't too tired the next day with school and all.

I was nervous too, about having two new people coming in. I mean, I clean for small group coming over, but finally got over my perfectionism enough to be able to let some things go when my friends came over. However, with two new people coming, I found myself getting all tied in knots and unable to focus on one thing at a time!

You know what? I should have trusted God in the first place when we were asked to fold two new people into our small group. Hmmm..... You think???

I let my mind and my preconceived ideas take over, and was unable to relax.

This past week, the kids happened to be gone at the farm for the night. I was able to really relax and enjoy everyone.

After talking with one of the gals a bit as we were making coffee drinks for everyone, and after our discussion in the living room later.... I realized that this was for all of our good and for God's glory. It was good for us to shake up our normal conversations, and comfortable assumptions.

Having two new gals here to question us, and seek answers from God, search the word with us, and share their experiences, has been invigorating... at least for me.

God showed me again to TRUST HIM, even with changing up some of our dynamics within our small group.

This Sunday (the 20th) after church, our small group is gathering with my husbands family to celebrate my son's and my birthday. One of our new members is going to join us out there. I am so thrilled, because I want to get to know her. She is warm and genuine, though she is a bit standoffish in the beginning, she has grown in just the past couple of weeks to open up to us and share.

I am thankful that God has brought both of these precious women into our small group. God has led a unique bunch of people together, bonded us with His love and trust in Him. He has united us in one purpose, to seek Him first, build up and encourage one another, and to learn what it is like to live, love and serve together, as a family.

I am grateful to have been called to such a position in such a family.
I am grateful that He helped me to trust Him enough to open up and trust this family He brought me into.

Romans 12:12 for the new year...

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.”
Romans 12:9-13

As I thought more last night about my hopes and dreams for the new year, these verses popped into my head as well. Romans is such an incredible book, packed with so much. I have read through it at least 4 times fully, using it as a study book… and the first couple of times, I took copious notes!

But I realized as I was writing last night, there was no way I was going to be able to include these verses in that post. It was already getting too long.

Now we will see how well I can keep my train of thought with the kids playing nearby!

I am sure that you have experienced times when the love of someone has been insincere. The things they say sound so good, and for a while you believe them. But then eventually their true feelings show through in their actions. They do things to hurt you, to betray you, to manipulate you. And you are left damaged, hurt, confused and wondering what happened.

I find it so interesting that Paul couples love being sincere with hating what is evil, and instead clinging to what is good. If we cling to what is good, the things of God, we will find ourselves becoming more “in sync” with God, and loving others with His love.

Sincere love.

So many times the bible talks about loving your brothers, being devoted to each other, honoring one another about yourselves. That is true love, sincere love.

I have experienced that this year. I have seen that sincere love extended to me from my church family, my bible study, my husband’s family, my family, my friends. I have seen that sincere brotherly love extended to others outside my church. Reaching out to people who are hurting, needing ministry and care that they just couldn’t provide for themselves and their families.

That is the love this year that I want to show to others. A love that reaches out to others, because I have been reached out to. I want to love others, deeply, from my heart. And I want my actions to bear that out. I want others to feel my love and know that I truly care about them. I don’t want to be influenced by the opinions and decisions of others. I want to be cautious so I don’t give my heart away too easily, but I also want to be open to loving those who are difficult to love, or who I might not always gravitate towards.

Another thing that I want is for God to help me keep alive the fire that He has rekindled in my heart for Him. I want that “spiritual fervor” that Paul talks about. I want to follow after God with all my heart. Only then will my love for others spill over… out of the love that God has shown me. I want the passions He has given me for Him, and for using the things He has given me to not just fade out as they have in the past. I want to stay close to His side and learn more from Him.

Even though our resources are limited right now, I want to be able to get to the point where we can give to others who have need. I want our house to be an open, hospitable, friendly, loving and safe environment for people to come into. I want people to feel welcome here, whether it is their first time in our home or not.

I want others to be able to feel at home with me as well. Not just when they come into my home, but when they are in my presence. That is a gift some people that I know really have. As soon as I am with them, I find myself relaxing and not worrying about appearances or anything else. Because I know that I am totally accepted by them, and again, sincerely loved by them.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Romans 12:12

This was the verse though that spoke to me the most. It was a verse that I settled in on when I was looking for verses on Joy for my advent posts.

I want this year to be characterized by joyful hope. I want to come to the end of 2009 and be able to look back and see where I have been joyful. Maybe not happy, but joyful, and hopeful.

Joyful in hope.

Over this year, and especially this past month I have discovered and rediscovered, again and again that God is my source of joy. I can’t manufacture joy on my own. I can make myself happy for a little bit, but then it fades away. God’s joy never fades.

It is the same with hope. God is the source of our hope. I read today’s devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries that talked about how someone was drawing hope from earthly things. When those earthly things disappointed, they were left feeling hopeless and helpless. Until God reminded them that He is the source of their hope. They were reminded that God’s hope never disappoints or fails, but always lifts up, renews and refreshes.

That type of hope produces real joy.

There is nothing like the hope and joy that comes from God.

I know that there are going to be things this year that are going to cause me difficulties and that will drag me down. I know that I am going to encounter situations in my life, relationships with people, struggles in my personal and emotional life that are going to hit me, and hit me hard. I know there are going to be things that will afflict me. But I also know that God provides the patience to endure the hard times.

The hard times I went through this past year were extremely painful, but through them I have learned anew that God will love me through it all. I have learned that He will bring me through. I have learned that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Nothing will change that. Nothing will rush what He is doing. It requires patience and extreme trust.

And difficult situations require faithfulness in prayer. There have been so many times that I have wanted to stop praying. Times when I didn’t have the words to pray anymore. It was crazy hard at times to even think straight. Especially when I could feel the pain in my own life, or the pain in the lives of my friends and family I was interceding for.

Being faithful in prayer… and admitting to God when I was ready to give up on praying for or about something… has been a growing and learning process but so rewarding.

I want this year to be characterized by love, clinging to God, providing for others and loving them without boundaries, joy, hope, patience and faithfulness.

I don’t want just this year to be characterized by these things. I want this year to continue the transforming process that God has begun. I want my life to be characterized by these things.

I want my life to be a reflection of God’s character.

I want to serve Him with a spiritual fervor for the rest of my life, so that when others look at me they will see and know that I serve the Lord God and Him alone.

Oh Lord, You know the desire of my heart is to be more like you in this coming year, and for the rest of my life. I want to live the way you would have me live. I ask that you would help me to cling to you and your word. Continue to give me an insatiable thirst for your word, and a deep desire to become more like you. Help me to grab on and cling to you with all that is within me. When I win I will praise you, and when I lose, I will praise you. In the good and the bad I will praise you. In the pain and in the joy I will praise you. In the lean and in the plenty I will praise you. In the times when I feel dead and dry, and in the times when I feel filled and full I will praise you. You alone are worthy of all my praise. May my life be exemplified by praise. Praising you the Living God. Make me more and more into a woman after your own heart, that I may reflect your love and life to everyone with whom I cross paths. Amen.

Loved by God... Advent of Joy #17

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.”
1 John 3:1a-2

I could end this post right there.

The only way we will be able to love one another is to be able to grasp just a little bit of that lavish love. Over and over God tries to tell us in His word just how much He loves us.

Yet a lot of times, all we hear are the lies of this world. I know that I did. Un-lovable, worthless, dirty, unforgivable, shameful, inept, stupid, a failure… I thought all these things applied to me. I really did. I know, it seems crazy, it seems like there would be no reason to think these things.

Choices I made, or choices others made, ended up damaging me emotionally. Damaged to the point that no matter the amount of positive things said to me, I didn’t believe them. The enemy had footholds in my life, that quickly became strongholds.

I wasn’t able to grasp what it meant to be a child of God. Though the first year after I became a Christian was good, and I felt changed, those “feelings” didn’t last. Once in a while things would change, but it was largely because I was trying to work my way through difficulties. It would be different for a while, but the underlying strongholds of lies weren’t being addressed.

It took so long for me to get where I am.

I read the following passage at our wedding, and it bears repeating here.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high an deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
Ephesians 3:14-19

That is my prayer. For all of us.

Our God loves us. To the point that it is completely unmeasurable. No matter how wide and long and high and deep you go, His love is always there. We can’t run from it, we can’t escape it.

We can pray to know and believe this love that surpasses knowledge. Because if we grasp even a corner of the blanket of His love, we will be completely changed. Once we have a corner, we will hunger for more, and we will pursue Him until we have a handful, until we have our arms full, until we are completely assured of His love.

He rooted us in love. We are planted in His love and our roots have grown deeply into the soil of His love. We can’t be uprooted from His love. It will never ever, ever, ever taken from us. His spirit is within us, and He will never leave us. We have the possibility of grasping that love, even if it seems impossible… because with God nothing is impossible.
Oh, how do I explain this any better? I feel like words are failing me right now.

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.”
1 Peter 2:9-10

We are chosen by Him. We are His. His children. His people.

He would not have chosen us, were we not loved. He created us, He chose us, He loves us. We were thought of before we ever came to be. He chose us out of everyone, specifically because He knew us, and wanted us. He loves us, and lavishes that love on us every day… yes, even when we have a bad day (can you imagine how much worse it might have been had He not intervened in some way?!).

What more does He ask? He wants us to love Him back, freely, from our own will. He wants us to live lives worthy of the calling we have received. He wants us to honestly try to please Him (even if we fail miserably). He wants us to create exuberant commotion because of the things He has done in our lives.

He wants us to declare His praises, because He has brought us out of the darkness, out of oppression, out of the strongholds in our lives, and brought us into His Son, the Light of the World. We can now see. That’s how much He loves us.

He has given us light for our paths.

He wants us to share that light with others.

Love one another... Advent of Joy #16

Over and over in the bible we are called to love one another.

In the short book of 1 John, the phrase “love one another” is used 5 different times.
Loving one another, having compassion on our brothers (and sisters), doesn’t just mean feelings.

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”
1 John 3:16,18

If we truly love one another, our love is personified with action. Jesus love for us was personified with action. He died for us while we were still sinners. His sacrificial love for us is our example of what love looks like.

You know what it is like. Someone comes into your life, and they say they love you. But everything about them grates on you. They seem to be more interested in what you can give them. They point out your faults. Even if they don’t out right say anything negative to you, you can feel it. You know when they aren’t really truly loving you.

I have been in that type of situation before. When someone has professed to love me, to be my friend, but really they were more interested in correcting me, “fixing” me, and being the “superior” model to follow. When I didn’t follow their lead, eventually they left me alone because they weren’t successful at “changing” me. Sometimes I did change to please people, and try to be what they thought I should be. But I eventually learned that there was no way to please them, their standards were higher than God’s.

I have been in that type of situation before. When I have professed to love someone. But in the end I realized that though I said that I loved them, in reality, I wanted to “fix” them.
That’s not true love. Not the kind of love God wants.

When you are the recipient of true, honest, godly love you know it. You know it because it brings you pure joy. As I have been truly loved by people the past few years, it has given me joy deep inside. At first I didn’t believe it was real. I thought at first it was just a show. But as these people stuck with me, were patient with me, were consistent in showing love and not trying to change me, I started to believe that they really loved me.

As I believed that they really loved me, and grew more secure in it, that’s when I started to experience joy. As I started to experience joy, slowly my capacity to experience deeper and deeper joy grew. It all grew out of knowing and believing that they really loved me.

“We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”
1 John 4:16 (NASB)

When we have come to know and believe, both in our heads and our hearts that God loves us, we are able to love one another. When we are secure in His love, we start experiencing joy to a deeper and deeper level. We end up truly abiding in, living in, love. As God is love, we live more deeply in Him. Our understanding of His love for us grows, our joy grows, and we become more deeply connected with Him every day.

Out of that understanding, those experiences of being closer to Him and more connected to Him, experiencing the JOY of His love; out of THAT flows our love for one another.

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.“
1 Peter 1:22 (NIV)

Our love for one another is to be a deep love, from our very hearts.

If our hearts aren’t changed by God’s love, how can we deeply, authentically love one another?
If we don’t allow our hearts to be changed by God’s love; if we don’t begin to grasp the depth of His love for us; if we don’t start to experience that joy of a love relationship with Him; how in the world will we be able to love one another?

As I started to be changed by the love of my friends and family these past years, it slowly led me to realize how much God loved me. I started to get more connected with God, recognize His love for me, accept His love for me, know and believe His love for me. I finally started experiencing joy, not condemnation in my relationship with my Father.

Now filled with that JOY that I have been given by God, I am finding myself becoming filled with love and compassion for other people in my church, in my life. I want them to experience the same love and JOY that I have. That would increase my JOY as well.