Friday, January 8, 2010

Darkness creeping in....

This week I would say has "been a week."

You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.

I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.

I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.

One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.

I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.

I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.

So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?

I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.

However, there is something bothering to me.

What, you ask?

I have no idea.

But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.

But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?

I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.

I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.

It's really about being.

I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.

.... and I find this depression creeping in on me....

It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.

It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.

I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.

I am so very tired.

I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.

I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.

So this is what you get.

This girlfriend.
Struggling, hurting, confused, depressed and wanting to run.


Jill said...

Praying for you! I can so understand and relate to what you are saying - in a bit of a pit myself! Put on the armor my friend! I'll be back soon...time for sleep now... Blessings and prayers, Jill

Clay Feet said...

I don't profess to have THE answers. Clues maybe and possibly suggestions. It is winter - overcast - cold - stuffy - short light and long darkness. There is always the possibility of chemical goings-on too. But that is something hard to pin down too.
There is one thing that I have to remind myself to do but that really can make a difference many times. It sounds like cliche but is part of the bigger picture and I know you already do this. But intentional focus on positive attributes of God when I am most depressed has pulled me out of emotions when nothing else would faze it. Not instantly but it can turn the direction of my subconscious away from the directions it is dragging me.
At the time it feels so irrelevant, so disconnected, even trivial. But I wonder if those thoughts are not Satan's desperate attempt to keep me from doing the only thing that really helps.
Whatever you do, don't break connection with those around you who care, even when your feelings want to pull back and fears tell you people don't care. Don't let these lying feelings take over your power of choice. Let people minister to you, share your burdens and encourage you even when they can't fully understand. That's what God gave you friends for and you should never be ashamed to reach out and ask for encouragement and affirmation.

Amy@LivinginHarmony said...

I felt the same wat after Christmas and is seems so hard to find my way out from under the cloud. I will be praying for you.

Leebird said...

You know I've been there, my friend. All I can say is that I'll pray for the light of God's word and presence to dispel the darkness. Where His light is, there is no darkness at all. Lean hard on Him, Heather! I love you, and I'm here day or night. Love, Lee

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

So glad for God's light that seems to be returning. Just keep walking it through, Heather, writing it through if need be. You are lavishly and wonderfully loved by our Father.

Keep the candle burning, sister.


Bringer of Peace said...

I have been pretty busy myself lately. Our son and his wife are planning to leave in a few hours heading west. Emotions are there.

One thing has been a blessing to me. Focus on the JOY of the Lord - which is YOUR STRENGTH.

Joy is experienced by accepting that another mind loves for you to be with them, you are special to them, you are the apple of their eye. The Lord promises to JOY over you with singing.

I find it interesting that the result of the JOY of the Lord is strength for me. WOW!

You are loved dearly.