Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I am broken inside, and I can't fix me...

As was obvious from my last post, I have been struggling with some times of darkness.

I have been trying to figure out what is causing it. I have asked God to reveal it to me. I know there is a cause. I know there is something that I am running from, and something that God is trying to work on me and in me.

He is trying to break me. I am broken inside, and I can't fix me, though I try. So I cover up. I cope. I run.

What He wants is for me to stop running.
What He wants is to break me... the right way.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I started to listen to God, at least a little bit. I just laid there and said to Him, "I can't do this day. I can't do the fighting and outbursts from my son and the anger and tension that has been there since Thursday night."

I felt like He said to me, "pray."

"Um, God. I am"

"No. Really pray about it."

And so I did.

I got the distinct impression that I really needed to take a spiritual stand in our house, that morning, that moment. I prayed and took my stand against the enemy of our souls. I know now without a doubt that the angry elephant in the room (courtesy of my friend, Elaine) was trying to get me to concede to him ground that wasn't his in the first place. I needed to take my stand and say that this house, this family, my heart and mind were not Satan's, but God's.

The day got better.

Though I didn't get much more time with Jesus that day, the whole day had a different flavor than the one before.

In the morning, on Sunday, I got up and had a small amount of time to myself before church. I specifically asked God to anoint the worship, and our Pastor's sermon, to fill the church with His Spirit, and to cover us all with His blood, so that our ears would be unstopped and hearts open to hear His word, receive it, and do something with it.

Finally at church, God broke through the barriers I had set up against Him.

Our pastor spoke out of the book of Hosea - speaking of Hosea's marriage as a parallel to Israel's life, but also to our own, and how God has taken everything He had, His very Son, to buy us back from slavery and reconcile His Bride to Himself.

These were a few things that I wrote in my journal.

(figuratively speaking - NOT literal)

How many times God have I danced with other men? How many times have I loved others? How many times have I prostituted myself to others, to other gods, sold myself out, committed adultery against you?

Yet you still pursue me. Why? You still want me. ME. You still love me. You allowed me today to feel you as I clung to you in faith today, in worship... You turned around my thoughts - helped me to have someone to confess to, clearly and honestly what was going on in my life, yesterday. You awoke today my need for You, my desperateness for You - my depravity without You. You love ME.

Again, in the middle of the sermon:

In the midst of my faithlessness and adultery, His love for me has come, covered me like a mighty flood - smooths out my rough edges - like a jagged rock under a waterfall - until I am beautiful and pure before Him.

These thoughts were the preparation for what God revealed next to me. For the most part, for the record, I believe that I am loved by God, fully forgiven and fully loved. I know that in my heart.

But how deeply?

Pastor Kim shared that reconciliation begins with forgiveness, but doesn't end there. Reconciliation is living in a relationship with a God who is our Husband.

That my friends is an intimate relationship. That is a scary relationship. Knowing and being fully known. Being willing to open yourself up to the other, trusting your heart to them, trusting they won't hurt you.

But so many times, here on earth we do hurt our spouses. I know I have. Hurt him, and been hurt.

Our relationships with our spouses are an imperfect reflection of our marriage relationship with Christ. Jesus will never hurt us. He will never walk away from us if we hurt His heart. By dancing with other "men" - other "gods."

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. there is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

(sorry, but this is getting long... so, yes... to be continued)


Paula (SweetPea) said...

Been away from blogland. Trying to catch up. This is a wonderful post despite your darkness and brokenness. I've always been told, we have to be broken before He can use us. Brokenness is bittersweet. It hurts our flesh but it's so sweet to our soul and growing in Christ.

Jill said...

I will continue to pray for you. SO thankful God is speaking to you - His light shines thru our broken spots and that is true in these words. Blessings to you, keep praying, Jill

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Thank you for sharing your heart here, Heather.

Praying for you this night.


Cindy said...

I love you and I am praying for you.

Laura said...

I'm sorry you are walking this path again, friend. Praying for you in this. Keep fighting that good fight.