New season dawning with New freedom

Dawn at Ocean Isle Beach, NC (taken 8-09-11)

Just a year ago found me preparing to lead a Bible study for the first time since college.  I was in a hard place, a dark one.  Depression had snagged me again, and it was hard to look up and see the sun. 

But God had also been speaking to me. 

Through others He had urged me to go back and see my former counselor for a bit.  Then He set a desire in my heart to have a Bible study with “my ladies” from the previous year.  The thing was, even before that He set in me a powerful desire to go through Beth Moore’s Breaking Free Bible study.  Then one of “my ladies” approached me to see if I was going to do a study, actually lead a study.

Feeling that was another prompting of the Spirit, I said yes, got people together, ordered the workbooks and borrowed the video sessions from another church.

“Breaking Free” followed by “Believing God” were two ways that God really worked some healing in my life.

God has healed me and brought me through so much.  In 2007 and 2008 He did the major reconstruction.  This time was a minor remodel, but it shook me and changed me.  Now more than ever I am resting on the Truth, and able to recognize and combat the lies.

“[The Enemy has] greatly oppressed me from my youth, but [he has] not gained the victory over me.  …the Lord is righteous; He has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.”  Psalm 129:2 and 4 (slight rewording mine)

Depression has fled before the Lord, the One who fights for me.  There are times of doubt, wavering, depression.  Not light before. Not despair.  Worry sometimes?  The tendency to be anxious?  Yes, but it doesn’t go too overboard if I catch it right away, and combat it with the truth!

God has led me into the dawning of a new season.

I am leading a Bible study again this fall with “my ladies” and hopefully a few more added to our group.  I feel more excited than fearful.  Anticipation more than dread at the thought of leading.  And really, I don’t “lead” God does.  We share and discuss and open our hearts to one another.  The Holy Spirit works in our hearts.

We all have seen great things happen in each other’s lives as a result of God using the Bible studies, and our prayers for each other.

• Freedom from depression
• Freedom from anxiety in new surroundings
• Husbands coming to church with their wives
• Family units getting stronger
• Children and grandchildren being kept save
• Peace in our own hearts about other concerns

All of us are learning to turn to God, to really believe that:

1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God’s Word is alive and active in me.

We are believing God!

I am so looking forward to this new season in my life.  I am finding myself anticipating more than ever what God is going to do, and how He is going to reveal Himself and His character to me.  He loves us to know Him more, and He loves to show us new facets of who He is.  I can’t wait to draw nearer to my Savior.

overwhelmed by JOY...

As we worshipped this morning, I was overwhelmed.

I was up front, helping lead, with 3 other singers.  We led out with a fairly upbeat set of three songs to start the service.  The last one that we sang was called “Stronger.” 

The chorus:

You are stronger, You are stronger

Sin is broken, You have saved me.

It is written “Christ is Risen”

Jesus, You are Lord of all.

It just hit me all over again what God has done for me in the past 3-4 weeks or so.  I mean, the healing, the bringing me to different points of surrender, the hope. 

Yes, my friend Cindy can tell me, “I told you so,” now. 

She kept telling me that there was hope.  She kept on telling me that I would make it through.  That I would heal.  That God had something more for me.

I don’t know the depth of that which God has done yet.  But it is more than a mere surface fix.  For I am more healed, have more hope, feel more freedom than ever before.

God has broken the power of sin and death.   

He has redeemed me and I am His.   

Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. 

I am more than a conqueror through Him who loved me.

These truths resonated in me over and over this morning through our first set of worship.  We came back around to the chorus (above) and as we got to it, I couldn’t stand still.  It was all I could do to keep from dancing up there.  I had a hard time singing cause I couldn’t tell if I was going to cry or laugh or do some combination of both.

I am undone.

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by JOY!

Please enjoy this video of the worship song, “Stronger.”  It’s worth the time… and wonderful to worship along with.

A new place...

A new place.

That’s where I am now. 

In a new place.  I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him.  He prompted me to surrender to Him completely.  I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future.  I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. 

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me.  To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need."  However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need."  Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table.  That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

 As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray.  All I could do was cry.  As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. 

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing).  I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into.  As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head.  I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head.  A day or so later, I was discharged.  Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week?  Yup.  You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.

Enough.

Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life.  I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry.  I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me.  I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions.  I had to.  I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me.  But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me.   He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace.  He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me.  Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. 

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression.  Free from needing to take medications.  I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. 

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds.  He has for others. 

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders.  (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago.  He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.

Trust more.

With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him.  Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord.  I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs.  Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used.  Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand.  Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all.  Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs.  Strengthened ankles.  Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him.  Resting.  Looking.  Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting. 

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. 

Being a wife and mother.

Doing my administrative job.

Assisting on the Communications Team.

Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

Themes coming back....

I remember writing back several posts ago how I felt that God was giving me the theme of faith and hope.

Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God.  All about having a forward moving, active faith.

At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team.  On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.

I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.  All about faith.

Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.

Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day.  I had a 90 minute session with Tricia.  We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college.  It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again.  Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done.  Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.

I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little.  I also have been sleeping very little.  So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe.  And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step.  It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you."  I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.

As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home.  I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap.  I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide.  She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep.  So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom.  I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.

I slept.  I actually slept.  I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy.  She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped.  She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.

Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop.  I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go).  I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while.  She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.

But I had a rough afternoon.  Just got side-swiped by some things.  I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them.  I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty.  My poor husband had no idea what to do with me.  That's ok, neither did I.

That brings me back to this morning.  I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study.  I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday.  Before I started though, I talked to God about my week.  I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any.  I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22).  When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.

Get this one:

"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."

Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation

I mean, really?  There is a God thing for sure.  He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him.  I saw answered prayer.  That in itself is a shot of hope.

I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have.  I need to see God's promises to me.  I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy.  I don't say that lightly.  I need the hope or I sink into despair.  But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope.  This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward.  I don't know how.  It's only God.

I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals.  That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly.  I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure.  I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not.  I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process.  I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there.  But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going.  Things that are reminders.  Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration.  (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)

My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.

In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!

Oh Lord, help me.  I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!!  Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak.  Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.

Darkness. Struggles. Truth. Lies.

One of my dear friends just got told some hard news from her doctor.  Last night, I was the first person she told.  Like she said, it was like a punch in the gut.  No conclusions, no answers yet, but suspicions and the mind goes immediately to the worst case scenario, even as you are praying for the best.

For me, there are no tears yet.  Those will come.  Right now, only questions.

Why?
Why her?
Why now?
After all she's been through the last couple of years or so?

Really God?

Another very good friend of mine is dealing with some very hard things.  Things in her life that are surfacing for the first time.  She is dealing with them fresh and new, and the backlash of emotions as a result.  Rage, depression, despair, reliving the experiences, the senses, smells, sounds, sights, nightmares, fear.

Her words came yesterday as we were on the phone briefly...

"it's either keep on going... or kill myself....
But, I'm too stubborn... too stubborn to give up now.
wait, I like the word determined better...

I'll keep on going.
But I feel like I am drowning."

I know she is safe.  I double checked that.  I know she is keeping on trying to hang onto God.

But the depth of where she is right now, the darkness that is overwhelming her, surrounding her, blinding her.  I recognize it.  I have been there, and my friend Cindy walked with me through it all.  She was there, even when she didn't have the words to say.  She prayed.  She listened.  She prayed some more.

So that is what I am doing.  I have been allowed into this friend's inner circle, one of the few people she is turning to when she needs to talk, and she is allowing me to call her, and check in and see how things are going.  I am privileged to be allowed to walk alongside her through this dark time.

Just like my Cindy was for me.  I don't have the words all the time, but I am more than willing to listen and pray and hang in there with her for the long haul.

I look at these two situations.  Vastly different, but just as painful and dark and hard.  I look at myself and what I am going through and it seems so insignificant.

It makes me think that in reality, I don't need to see Tricia anymore.  She has much bigger things to deal with than me.  I keep thinking that I am blowing out of proportion the things I am dealing with because they seem so unimportant in comparison.

This situation I am dealing with - the first guy that I ever gave myself away to, that started off a chain reaction of poor relationships - seems so small now.

Yes, I did deal with some of it in my past counseling with Tricia, at least a little bit.  However, the way things surfaced in my counseling with her, it seemed it all led to this relationship and the things that happened there.  So, that's where we went.

The self hate, the anger at the guy, at myself, disgust, worthlessness, feeling so dirty, like I was just a number in a long list..... as they surfaced, they surprised me with their intensity, and scared me too.  I felt kind of like I was floating out to sea without a sail, without oars, and nothing to steer with.

The emotions have surfaced from time to time, in short bursts this week.  For the most part though, they have been shut down.  Closed off.  Maybe this is God's way of protecting me and keeping me safe until I see Tricia again this coming Monday.  Maybe it's my way of protecting myself.  I'm not sure anymore.

In the meantime, I feel like I should just cancel and not see her anymore, because there are so many others who are hurting so much more, and I am just wasting time and money.

Lies most likely.

Because I am having hard time pinning down my emotions or thoughts about the relationship, I am having a hard time believing the truth.  What "sounds" like logic to me says that I am just making up reasons to keep on seeing Tricia.

I don't know what to think.

The way I collapsed on the floor of the bathroom, after my last session with Tricia, makes me think that I need to keep on going until I get some of this resolved at least.  The way I feel now tells me I was dumb to extend my Monday appointment with her from 60 minutes to 90 minutes.  Another part of me is scared to go into January and February without having the chance to touch bases with her every couple of weeks, because my emotions tanked so badly after Christmas last year.

Please pray for my two friends and the extreme difficulties they are going through right now.

Pray for me as well, that the truth would break through the lies, and that I would be willing to first submit to God and let go of my resistance against Him that I'm sensing.... and secondly that I would then stand and resist the enemy.

I want to trade the lies for truth, the fears for dependence on God, the worries for intentional praises of Him who is our Jehovah-Rapha.  The God who Heals.

Building parallels

Well, my jaw isn't broken, just got jammed and the soft tissues inflamed, so I am having to take it easy on what I eat, soft food, ibuprofen, ice or heat as needed to take away pain or sooth sore spots.  I saw the dentist today, and I will be going back in 4 weeks for a general check-up and cleaning.

The hard part is I find myself trying to keep from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth.  Which causes the muscles to be even more sore than they need to be.

My left hand, that I landed on is still sore though.  It may stop my trying to write as much as I want tonight.  I landed on it, trying to catch myself on Friday, though my chin took the brunt of my fall.  I jammed something, somewhere, though it's not broken, but it's going to be a while for it to heal enough that small things like typing don't hurt anymore.  It's the top of my pinky and ring finger that hurt, and sometimes my middle finger too.  Depends on what I am doing.  Sometimes it surprises me because I am carrying something and my hand suddenly hurts and I almost drop what I'm carrying.  Though that is usually when I am carrying something far too heavy for that hand to handle.

It's interesting that in the middle of this, I can see how God is working and building parallels in my emotional/spiritual life.

A while ago, I took a spiritual/emotional tumble.  I got torn open pretty badly.  People have helped me get to where I need to go, between pointing me to God, praying me through it all, and making sure I have seen my counselor.  Tricia has been giving me assignments that have drawn me further into the pain.  These things, going into the painful areas has been so hard.

I really have been thrown into a tailspin.  It has hurt so much to have to write some of the things she has asked me to.  Once they have been written, I have been able to put them out of my mind for a while, until I go back to an appointment with Tricia, and have to read those writings to her.

I read one two weeks ago to her.  At the end of it, Tricia shared some things that I probably needed to do to help me cut the emotional ties I have in this particular instance.  Getting rid of some things, purging them, letting them go.  Part of that was done in the writing.  But some of that had to be done in the physical letting go of things too.

For these two weeks since, I got sick and was laid low last weekend, and then this past weekend I had my fall and was laid pretty low as well.  My weekdays were full with work, kids and home stuff.  Good stuff, but finally, over this past weekend, I started coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't obeying God.

God used Tricia and a few other key people in my life to encourage me to do the right thing.  To do the things that God wanted me to do to be able to walk in more freedom.  He was speaking very clearly to me, and I knew it was Him, through His word, through sermons, through the Breaking Free bible study, through my friends.

I just was choosing, for the past two weeks to wallow in my self hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, unwillingness to accept God's grace and forgiveness to me.  I've been fighting with letting go.  What's going to happen if I let these things go, the physical things, but more than that, the attachments, the emotional ties I have found buried deep.

As I have struggled, I have heard God telling me the same thing over and over, "Submit to Me, surrender it to Me, I can carry it.  My yoke is easy, kind, and much lighter than the one you are trying to drag around." 

One of the things that I got out of this week's sermon... again, something that God has been pounding into my head.

If you feel that you aren't hearing from God, see if there is any spot that you aren't obeying Him on.  Do that thing, and then listen again.  He doesn't withdraw Himself from you, but your lack of obedience will make it really hard for you to stay close to Him.  That makes it hard to hear from Him, because you're not doing what He's asked you to in the first place.  You've placed a barrier up between yourselves.

Ok, so it wasn't said verbatim that way, but that's what I got out of it.

After being shaken up this weekend, I spent some time praying on Saturday night, journaling before my meds took me out for the count.  I made a mental note to see if I could get together and actually talk face to face with my friend Cindy D.  We've been emailing back and forth, this past week, encouragement to one another, but not been able to really see each other and talk face to face.

Sunday, I had to play piano for church.  My hand was sore, as was my jaw, but I managed it.  I ended up having to use dish soap to take off my wedding ring, because my left hand and those two fingers started swelling after I got done doing all the playing for the worship team.

I chatted with Cindy D. a bit and asked her if she was doing anything after church.  She laughed at me and asked me if I wanted to get together, if I was asking her if she wanted to talk with me for a bit....  I told her that was what I was asking in a round about way.  We had a good laugh about it, and then decided to meet at a near by park in a bit, that way we were able to enjoy the weather and still talk.

We got together and talked for a while. Longer than I had anticipated.  During that time, I could tell that God's hands were all over that conversation.  From her perspective and life experiences, she was able to listen to me and hear my heart, and then ask guiding questions and pointed questions.  Some of these questions, under normal circumstances I would have never answered... even if Tricia had posed them.  I probably would have gotten so angry and shut down.  They were that hard.

But God had opened up my heart.  He opened up that old wound so much in the last couple of weeks, and there Cindy D was asking the pointed questions to help me clean that huge gaping wound with the Truth.  The truth of what I really believed, what I really needed, what I was really clinging to, and what I was really avoiding doing.

I needed closure.  After my three hour conversation with Cindy D. I was able to go home, talk to my hubby a bit, and do what I needed to do.  I threw out a bunch of stuff.  I feel lighter now.  I felt lighter yesterday.  Last night, I did some more cleaning out.  Getting rid of things.  It made me aware that there is more to do in different areas as well.  But, one area at a time.  There is a lot of garbage that has collected in areas I thought I had already cleaned out and closed the chapters on.  Maybe I have only done surface cleaning there, and now need to do more deep cleaning - or let God do the deep cleaning.

Getting rid of these things was like the wound finally getting fully cleaned out.  Ready for healing.  The rough edges trimmed off, the dirt scrubbed out.

Letting go of the emotional attachments, it's still taking me a bit to learn to leave them alone.  They will die out.  But it is like a dying out of a part of me.  I have to stop treating myself like crud because I believe I am crud.  I have to start seeing myself as God sees me.  I have to start saying it, out loud, whether I believe it or not fully yet.

God is stitching me up.  But that means I have to be flat on my back, letting Him do the work.  I can't fight Him, I can't move around, I can't get up, because I won't heal if I do.  If I don't let Him do His work, I won't be able to move on.

Now is the time that I need to just fall into His arms of love.  I need to feel His love, my Father's love holding me, comforting me, healing me.  I need to be wrapped in a comforter, on His lap, leaning against His chest, listening to His heart beat.   I need to listen to that heartbeat of His because it calms me down.  When I calm down, I can rest, I can heal and then I am ready to get up when it's time to go on and to the next right thing.

So, I am off to rest some more.  Let my physical body rest and heal, and let my heart and soul and spirit rest too.  It's easier sometimes to get my physical body to calm down and settle in, but a lot harder to get my mind to settle, and my heart to stop taking flight, and my soul and spirit to relax enough to really hear God's heartbeat for me.

Thank You Jesus that you helped me write this, because when I started this post, I had no idea where it was going.  Thank You for showing me the parallels You have drawn in my life to teach me.  You Jesus, are so wonderful to me.  You have blessed me with incredible friends and counselors, with a great pastor and church, with a family that loves me and cares for me and helps me.  I am blessed immeasurably, more than I could have ever asked or imagined!  Way back when I first became a believer, I could have never dreamed that I would be where I am today, or that I could have survived all the things I have.  You have saved me.  Oh my God, you have saved me!  You have bought me back, redeemed me, paid for my debts when I couldn't, and I am now yours.  You have called me by my name, and I am Yours.  Thank you!  Help me continue to cling to You and to look back, when I doubt, or when I need to remember to dance for joy, to read these old blog posts as reminders of what You have done, and what You have promised to do. 

tender hearted

My heart hurts and is very tender this day.

I spent some good time yesterday with God, and then was able to relax with the kids at the farm for a while.  This morning, as I was getting ready for church, God spoke and reminded me of some verses I had read yesterday about repentance.  I just heard the word "repent" in my heart and connected it to the verses I had read the day before.

And, God connected both of those thing with some areas in my life He has pointed out that I need to work on.  Some things that make my flesh squirm in shame and pain.

As I drove to church, I was praying, asking God to help me focus on Him today, and to be able to worship and really hear what He had to say to me through the sermon.  As I did, I heard again the word "repent" in my heart. I caught myself telling Him "later" and stopped.  Why in the world would I do something later that I heard Him ask me to do when I know He's asking it, and that when I haven't responded right away, putting Him off, I feel more distant from Him?

So right there in the car, on the way to church, I did.  I turned it all over to Him and sought forgiveness.  Oh that opened the floodgates of the tears!

I made it safely to church (I was crying while driving) and got in there.  Almost as soon as I walked in, I saw our former pastor and his family here.  I gave him a big hug and greeted his family.  After a moment or two, as others came to greet his wife and daughters, he asked how I was doing.  I said OK, but saw that familiar look in his eyes.... and amended it, saying instead I was making it, but been struggling quite a bit recently again.  He reminded me to hang in there.

Well, little did I know that he was going to be getting up with an announcement at the beginning of the service.  He gave a report on how their fund-raising was going to plant their church, and how the sale of their house was going.  When he was done with that, he shared how during this process of the last month being away from our church, it had been extremely dark and hard and heavy.

Then he said, "I don't know where you are today, or what is going on.  Some of you may be walking in some darkness.  Feeling lost and heavy and having a hard time hanging on.  I just want you to know that God has not dropped you off along the way...."

The words aren't exact to what he said, but the meaning is the same.  I don't really have the rest written down, because I could hardly see Pastor Brad for the tears streaming down my face, and the sobs threatening to overtake me.

I pretty much cried on and off through the rest of the service.

The sermon was good, I was able to connect to God through the worship, and afterward ran into Peter and Donna, my small group leaders.  Peter pulled me aside and we had a conversation, one that I had been expecting, but still hard nonetheless.  I gave him a hug, and started to cry (again).  He reminded me we are still family, and I explained that this, though expected has come on top of some other tough things God is working in and working through and working out, but they are hard.... and it was just one more hard thing today to have confirmed for me.

This pulling apart in my life is really getting old, and it hurts and it has left my heart very raw and vulnerable.

I know God is working on getting me to rely on Him 100% and not leaning on other people first.  Depending on others, and having accountability, and living in community and unity is wonderful.  However if that starts taking the place of going to God first, then He is going to do something about that.

He's been working on my heart for so long now.  Only now am I learning that when I feel His prompting I need to act on it immediately, no matter how inconvenient it might be at the time.  Slowly I am learning to set aside things in my life that are or have been idols.  Slowly I am allowing Him to open up my heart to see the things I still need to work on.  Slowly I am learning to submit myself to Him.... and its a daily thing many times....  submitting myself and submitting my "stuff."

Folks, my heart hurts.  All I want to do is cry.  This growing and stretching thing is really painful.  I know that the Holy Spirit is working.

I. Can't. Do. This.
It's. Too. Hard.

But I have to remember that God is in control.  He has not dropped me off along the way.  He is carrying me, even when I don't feel Him there.  If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.

Every little thought of what has happened, just today, pricks my tender heart.  Too much to process, too much to think about, but I don't want to shut down again, so that means I need to live with this tender heart.

God, hold me tenderly this week.  Hold my vulnerable heart in Your Hands and keep it protected and safe.  Guard my mind and heart and soul this week, and continue Your healing in my life.  Somewhere I read this week that to be broken is to be healed.  Well Lord, I feel broken.  So I am choosing to trust that Your healing is following.  I am truly "on the road" with You..... You have shown me that I have a tendency to hang onto You, so I know that I will hang in there with You, but please keep feeding me strength and hope for this process that seems never-ending.

Submit, resist, come near...

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7-8a

These verses jumped out at me today, and though I have tried to put them away, they seem to fit in with a theme I have been noticing lately.

I have talked about it here.

Surrender.
Letting go.

No matter what I do, God keeps telling me to surrender to Him. I keep asking, "What? What is it you want me to surrender." He just keeps saying "Surrender."

You think by now I would have gotten it. I have been flailing around trying to figure out what I haven't surrendered to him. What in the world have I left out? How could I still be holding back from God? What would I possibly still be holding back from God, and why? Because I know all the incredible things he has done to heal me. There is no reason to hold back.

Then this verse popped up several times today.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God."

I didn't get it really, still don't totally. Now that I have looked back at former verses and gotten the context, it has helped.

The previous verses talked about friendship with the world. Friendship with the world is hatred toward God. God has asked me to give up some things that aren't inherently "bad" but they have caused me to love the world more, idolize some things, and therefore, that makes me an enemy of God. Can that be possible? But the verses refer to how God is a jealous God - the Spirit He placed in us envies intensely.

Because of our (my) tendency to love the world and the things in it, then I must submit myself to God. It's a surrender..... but when I think of a surrender, I think of Him asking me to surrender something specific.

Submitting myself to God is different. It means that I am opening up myself to Him. Submitting. Trusting. Purposely placing myself under His Hand. Allowing Him to work, even when I know its probably going to hurt.

When I am finally ready to do that - you know what happens?

I'm sure you do.

Think about it. You're ready to submit to God's will. You're ready to let go..... and along comes the enemy, with every good and reasonable sounding excuse to wait. To hold on. To take the time to "figure it out" before you actually do what God is telling you to do.

What does the next sentence say?

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Resist him - even when you are tired. That is the hardest for me. I just told God this morning that I was tired. So many times I have cried out to God that I am too tired to fight anymore. That's it. That's all I've got, God.

But if I resist. If I allow God to strengthen me in resisting (which He will, especially when I am submitted to Him) the devil will flee from me. FLEE!!!

And when I am feeling so dry and alone and worn, I "come near to God and He will come near to [me]." What a blessing that when I have nothing, if I come near to Him, He doesn't pull away.... He draws closer.

I think of when I am with my kids on the couch. When they push away and won't come closer when I ask, it makes me further from them, and they feel further from me too. But when they submit to my arm around them, when they draw close and snuggle in, it is so natural for me to rub their back, comfort them, love on them.

Isn't that what God does for us too? When I come closer to Him, intentionally positioning myself in His presence, focusing on Him, I feel Him there with me. I can feel Him loving on me and wrapping His arms around me.

Then I am sitting in His lap. I am safe in my Daddy's arms.

Ok, God - here I am. I want it and yet I fight it at the same time, though I know You are trustworthy and true. I am placing myself under Your hands. Under those healing hands of Yours that have done nothing but love, heal and help me. I see my past. I see how You have been so faithful to showing me Your love in spite of it all. I see how You have been so loving and gentle with this fragile heart of mine. I see how You have tenderly taken me and showed me a bit at a time the truth of Your Word. You have shown me the lies and slowly rebuilt my mind to recognize and lean towards the truth, rather than the old worn tapes full of lies from the past.

God, my Daddy, I choose to trust You because I know, even when it is hard for me to believe, that You have my best at heart. Oh come close to me, as I come close to you, because this little girl inside needs some cuddle time in her Daddy's lap!

Nothing special...

Today was "nothing special" look at it from the front side... looking at it from my point of view as I got up this morning.

Today was one of those days.

You know the ones I am talking about.

I woke up late, with a horrible headache, and my stomach off kilter.

I got to work and sat looking at my desk and list of things to be done and realized that most of what I needed was still at home.

I just was "off" and didn't know how to fix it.

I felt like I was just a body warming a chair at work today. What was the point in me being there when I couldn't get done all I wanted to?

Then this afternoon happened.

First my best friend, Gwen, was online and showed up in my chat status. So, I dropped her a line in the chat, to see if she was really there and had time. She did. Though it was a short conversation, I knew God had authored it, because she shared some things that needed prayer, and it was good for us both, I hope!

Then right at the end of our conversations, my home group leader, Pete came by the office. I was very happy to see him, but I assumed he was there to talk with Pastor Kim. So I just indicated that he was free, if Pete wanted to go in.

Instead, Pete came into my office first. I thought he was just going to stand and chat a moment about our small group and what we were going to be doing, and the menu for Thursday.

When he sat down in my extra chair, I realized that he really wanted to talk. With me. I felt surprised, then this peace and joy flowed through me that he was taking the time to stop. Pete was taking a pause in his day for me.

We talked about a wide range of things, some important stuff, a few light things. I was able to share prayer requests. He asked how I was doing with my job at the church, as well as just personally. He took time and listened, and shared some of his heart too. We talked about things concerning our small group, concerning him and his wife, Donna.

Some of the things gave me something to chew over and ponder for a while now.

When our conversation reached a natural conclusion, Pete suggested that we pray together. He prayed first, then I did - and my heart came pouring out, in prayer for him and Donna, for our small group... and other more personal things. Unexpected but good.

What struck me as we talked and prayed, and made even more of an impression afterward, was that Pete asked for my opinion and insight into some things.

That may seem average and ordinary to some.

To me, it was huge. To be thought of as whole and healthy enough to be able to give an opinion or advice was so impacting to me today, especially coming from someone I love and respect so much.

There have been times where I have sensed something, and never said anything to anyone about it, or done anything about it, and the moment has passed. I haven't trusted myself enough to feel like I had the right to say something, because well, what if I was totally wrong?

Slowly in the last year or so, I have opened up to one person, my friend Cindy, a couple of times when I felt that God was prompting me to - because she was safe.

However in the past month or so, I have dared to open up to a few more people about an insight I had, or about something I sensed, that ended up being right on. A couple of them were pretty noticeable to me. I also know that it was only God who could have shown me these things.

There were two things that I felt I noticed. One, I spoke about it to the person involved. The other I didn't because I was unsure how to communicate it, verbally or written. The spoken one, I don't know what kind of affect on the person it had, or if healing will take place because of it. The unspoken, I am concerned now, knowing other things, that my not speaking (or writing) when prompted allowed a situation to continue, and possibly worsen, due to lack of knowledge.

In the conversation with Pete though, I felt that God was touching my heart in a much needed way. I didn't know I needed it until it happened. It was a tangible way God showed me that I am on the right path.

On the right path.
Tentative steps.
Trembling lips.
Full heart.

On the right path, with a heart bursting with the desire to do and say the right thing, and to not overstep what God wants me to do, or to get ahead of Him.

Scared to death sometimes to say what needs to be said.

But I am willing.

Oh, to see the road He has taken me on, and now to see that He has had this road in mind all along! Because only through the pain I have been in, am I able to recognize it in others. Only through the experiences I have been through am I able to see the traps and recognize similar circumstances unfolding in other lives around me.

Only through prayer and seeking God's wisdom and discernment have I had the opportunity at times (and the permission) to speak into someone's life.

Truly, I have been, and still am, on the road, walking with Jesus.

Today, God knew what I needed though I couldn't put it into words.

When Pete took the time to come into my office and sit down, God used it to touch a place deep inside of me. Pete invested in me today, and I hope I was able to give back some. The affirmation, encouragement and prayers I got today, from someone I love and respect, means more to me than I can put into words.

It was the love, acceptance, and encouragement of a father to a daughter that I don't get very often, at least in spoken words.

It was the unspoken but implied acknowledgment of growing up and being peers, a change in relationship, and almost a rite of passage for me.

God used a simple conversation to show me I am growing up, to show me that He loves me and has worked in me, even when I didn't feel like He was.

He used it to build and expand my capacity for joy, and to help me through the transition to the next level of maturity.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness to me! Thank you for using the people in my life to touch me and work in me in the very ways I need. Oh, may I be such an instrument in the lives of those around me!

No, today was "nothing special." It was just a day that God met me, matured me, impacted my life, and gave me a deep joy, in the ways only He can.

I am broken inside, and I can't fix me...

As was obvious from my last post, I have been struggling with some times of darkness.

I have been trying to figure out what is causing it. I have asked God to reveal it to me. I know there is a cause. I know there is something that I am running from, and something that God is trying to work on me and in me.

He is trying to break me. I am broken inside, and I can't fix me, though I try. So I cover up. I cope. I run.

What He wants is for me to stop running.
What He wants is to break me...

...in the right way.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I started to listen to God, at least a little bit. I just laid there and said to Him, "I can't do this day. I can't do the fighting and outbursts from my son and the anger and tension that has been there since Thursday night."

I felt like He said to me, "pray."

"Um, God. I am"

"No. Really pray about it."

And so I did.

I got the distinct impression that I really needed to take a spiritual stand in our house, that morning, that moment. I prayed and took my stand against the enemy of our souls. I know now without a doubt that the angry elephant in the room (courtesy of my friend, Elaine) was trying to get me to concede to him ground that wasn't his in the first place. I needed to take my stand and say that this house, this family, my heart and mind were not Satan's, but God's.

The day got better.

Though I didn't get much more time with Jesus that day, the whole day had a different flavor than the one before.

In the morning, on Sunday, I got up and had a small amount of time to myself before church. I specifically asked God to anoint the worship, and our Pastor's sermon, to fill the church with His Spirit, and to cover us all with His blood, so that our ears would be unstopped and hearts open to hear His word, receive it, and do something with it.

Finally at church, God broke through the barriers I had set up against Him.

Our pastor spoke out of the book of Hosea - speaking of Hosea's marriage as a parallel to Israel's life, but also to our own, and how God has taken everything He had, His very Son, to buy us back from slavery and reconcile His Bride to Himself.

These were a few things that I wrote in my journal.

(figuratively speaking - NOT literal)

How many times God have I danced with other men? How many times have I loved others? How many times have I prostituted myself to others, to other gods, sold myself out, committed adultery against you?

Yet you still pursue me. Why? You still want me. ME. You still love me. You allowed me today to feel you as I clung to you in faith today, in worship... You turned around my thoughts - helped me to have someone to confess to, clearly and honestly what was going on in my life, yesterday. You awoke today my need for You, my desperateness for You - my depravity without You. You love ME.

Again, in the middle of the sermon:

In the midst of my faithlessness and adultery, His love for me has come, covered me like a mighty flood - smooths out my rough edges - like a jagged rock under a waterfall - until I am beautiful and pure before Him.

These thoughts were the preparation for what God revealed next to me. For the most part, for the record, I believe that I am loved by God, fully forgiven and fully loved. I know that in my heart.

But how deeply?

Pastor Kim shared that reconciliation begins with forgiveness, but doesn't end there. Reconciliation is living in a relationship with a God who is our Husband.

That my friends is an intimate relationship. That is a scary relationship. Knowing and being fully known. Being willing to open yourself up to the other, trusting your heart to them, trusting they won't hurt you.

But so many times, here on earth we do hurt our spouses. I know I have. Hurt him, and been hurt.

Our relationships with our spouses are an imperfect reflection of our marriage relationship with Christ. Jesus will never hurt us. He will never walk away from us if we hurt His heart. By dancing with other "men" - other "gods."

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. there is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

(sorry, but this is getting long... so, yes... to be continued)

Advent of Trust #24 and 25

I am a bit behind with my Advent posts.... ok, two behind. Byt there are some reasons... really! :)

The day after Christmas, and it is relatively quiet here. Peter is playing behind me. Marina is at the farm. The kids and I are all sick... I didn't get it till yesterday, and Peter relapsed last night. Probably too much excitement and traveling and late nights.

I didn't get to post the last couple of days because we traveled a lot in the bad weather. I either had no internet access, or no time to get on the computer.

We had a huge winter storm come in, and had to drive from here to Madison in bad weather on Christmas Eve. Thankfully we were able to get there and once we got through the freezing rain that was happening near us, we were just contending with wet roads, rain and bad drivers around us.

We had a wonderful time with my family that day, and it was a great time for all of us to reconnect again.

God has blessed us so much with a wonderful family.

We went to Madison prepared to spend the night because the weather was supposed to be worse that evening. But we decided, partially because Dave had to work Christmas day, and partially because we had a friend in Madison who was trying to make it to Mosinee that night, to push through and try to make it home.

We packed up the kids, drove to the north side of Madison in wind and rain, and met up with Matt. Then we hit the road, with Matt following us in his car. Things were wet, but fine until just north of Portage, WI.... then went downhill from there.

Snow, sleet, freezing rain and wind.
Crazy drivers passing us at breakneck speed.

Several slide offs and spin outs were passed. But not one of them ended up being us. Praise God!

We averaged anywhere from 50 miles an hour to about 30 miles an hour. When we made it home, we unwound a bit, and then turned over our office to Matt and went to bed about 1:30am.

I woke up at 8:30, and as quickly as we could we partially unpacked Dave's car from the Madison trip, threw our presents for Dave's family into my car, and headed for the farm. We had several celebrations with Dave's family (some family that was leaving town this morning, and then his parents and brother, then some friends of the family who came over).

I took a nap in the afternoon (BLISS!!!) in between celebrations. Peter and Marina played with family, toys and watched a movie. They had a wonderful time.

We had such a good time with everyone.

God blessed us this year. Even with the horrible weather, and our long traveling.

We are coming down off the "high" of Christmas and are so grateful for our family and friends.

We gave one of our son's friends a bible. Her first. She is a reader, and was so excited about getting it, that she started reading it right away.... as in, took it to a back bedroom, and had me help her learn how to look up a scripture verse she had memorized in AWANA, then started reading in Genesis. She read the first 3 chapters in Genesis last night before bed, her mom told me.

She just started going to AWANA this year with Peter. She has loved it, memorizing loads of verses at a time, and now finding great enjoyment in having her own bible.

I remember at the beginning of the year being hesitant at getting the kids involved in AWANA because of the time commitment of it. Now, I can see the fruits of trusting God with it, not only in my own kid's lives, but also the life of someone else who was touched through that ministry... including this little girl's family as well.

I hope that God will help me remember to trust, no matter what is going on around me. He has shown me the fruits of that trust this year, this season of Advent, and just these past few days. Lives influenced and changed, amazing outcomes of surgery, healing bodies and hearts and emotions, safe travels and a friend home safe.

He is so good.

I hope that you have learned as much as I have through this journey through Advent of Trust. May I leave you with one more encouragement from God's word.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to Him,
For God is our refuge.
Selah."
Psalm 62:8

Advent of Trust #10; Faithfulness of God in Cindy's life

This may seem a cop out to some, to point you to another post.

However, this has so affected me that it was what prompted me to start writing my Advent posts this year.

More than anything I have been trying to focus my last few posts on things that I need, not trying to tailor the posts to "fit" in with advent. Just writing for me.

My sweet friend Cindy wrote this post. Her first after her surgery. I am so grateful to see her heart written out again. Some of this she already told me last weekend but it was a blessing to see it in her own words.

Please visit her, and continue to pray for her healing and for energy again.... big praise.... all the pathology came back benign!!! Praise God and thank you so much for praying for her!

Here is her post "Great is thy Faithfulness Oh, Lord!"

May God bless you,

Silence is golden...

The healing of silence.

Sitting at the table in the sun, warm cup of coffee in hand, bible spread before me.

Struggling to quiet my heart so I can hear.

I started learning this art of silence, by having someone else model it in my presence... together we sought to just sit still and start our time together in silence, prayerfully seeking God's presence, Spirit, guidance, words to us.

The more we did it together, the more I tried it alone.
The more I tried it alone, the better I did at stilling myself.

How else to help others come to that point of silence? That point of listening to God?

Do what was modeled to me.
Model it for them.

Listening quietly.
Reflecting before speaking.

Seeking God's presence, starting our time together in prayer, and sitting still before Him, before we talk or do anything else.

That silence is so healing.

When I was in counseling, my counselor also modeled this for me. She sat and listened to me. She waited, as I shared. Then she waited as I sat quiet. She used a therapy that ended up encouraging me to listen to God and take that time to really focus on Him, hear what He had to say, and process it in relation to the struggles I was having at the time.

That's where I first started to gain healing in the inmost parts of my being.

Only now, as I look back do I see how powerful silence before God was.

"Silence is golden" we have heard so many times in reference to children. That is true, as a mother of two youngsters, sometimes that silence from the constant chatter and yelling is truly golden.

However, I would like to suggest a new twist. Silence is golden.... filled with the presence of the glory of God... His royal, sovereign majesty reaching down to flood our souls with the golden light of His presence within us... and we can only really see the depth of His presence in our hearts and lives through being silent before him.

Silence, in the presence of our God is truly a golden, healing balm.

An important question...

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
And through the rivers,
they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire,
you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43:2-3a

This is the verse that I am going to hang my hat on for the next 2 weeks or so. It is my Scripture Memory Verse for October 15th.

I need to hang onto something.

The emotions are still up and down.
But I know that my God is worth hanging onto.
His truth, His Word is the light on my path.

He is my Savior.

He has led me through so much. He has brought me through the waters and the fire. He has brought me out of those things. No I wasn't consumed. The waters cleansed me. The fire purified me.

Again and again, God is going to use the painful things in our lives to stretch us and grow us.

This is probably another time such as that. I am working on a new schedule with my family. I am working out new responsibilities with a new job. I am working on trying to grow closer to God, to grow and mature in my relationship with Him.

However, I am realizing, as I am writing this, that I am making it all about me. My trying. Not God doing and me "being." As Cindy says, we are human "beings" not human "doings."

I am going to go have something little to eat, continue with the laundry, and in the middle of that, spend some time sitting in Jesus' lap.

Cindy asked me a question yesterday, that she was asked by her life coach, and she wanted me to think on it and answer it before we get together again for our life coaching.

The question.

What do you long for in your relationship with God?

It is one I am going to be working on and thinking about for a bit.

Anyone else want to share with me what your answer to that question it? I would love to hear. What better way to encourage each other in our walks, that to know, and to have others know what it is we long for in our relationship with God, and to hear each others' longings as well.