tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11560469756333275512024-03-13T01:51:45.468-05:00On the Road... walking with JesusHeather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.comBlogger376125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-68505381883055005682011-11-18T13:45:00.001-06:002011-11-18T14:42:20.768-06:00Preparing...<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<strong>For the next Three Weeks might we explore: The
Practice of Preparing…</strong> What does it look like to prepare our hearts for
God? How do we prepare our families and homes to encounter God afresh this
holiday season? How do we intentionally, prayerfully prepare for holy-days? The
whole community looks forward to your prayerful reflections stories, ideas….</blockquote>
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">From <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/11/because-every-day-begs-to-be-thanksgiving/" target="_blank">Ann Voskamp's post</a> on Wednesday</span></blockquote>
<br />
That question caught me. Arrested my attention. Tugged at my heart.<br />
<br />
Especially today. Today we received our packet from<a href="http://www.compassion.com/" target="_blank"> Compassion International</a> about our child from Ecuador that we are newly sponsoring. Not only has he been waiting for over 6 months for a sponsor and never had one before, we have never been sponsors before. I have been waiting to BE a sponsor for over 6 months.<br />
<br />
How do we prepare our family, our home to encounter God afresh this holiday season? How do I?<br />
<br />
Its something I struggle with, because with little kids, it becomes a "what can I get, what do I want, how much can I get..." type of season.<br />
<br />
I don't want that. More than ever, I don't want that. I want them to be thankful for all they have. Not yearning for the material things they don't.<br />
<br />
I know someone else who is yearning for things they don't have. Me. Dave. It seems to come so naturally for us.... why shouldn't the kids pick up on it too? Its all over our culture, and I can lay blame at the feet of our consumerism culture.<br />
<br />
But I am to blame too for they learn it in the home first. They learn it from me when I buy whatever I want at the moment. They learn it from me when they hear me talking about wanting something for the house we don't have. They learn it from me when I tell them "no" when they ask for something, but when I want something (not need) I say "yes" to myself.<br />
<br />
What kind of mixed message is that?<br />
<br />
How do I prepare them to encounter Christ? Not just this season, but always.<br />
<br />
By taking advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.<br />
<br />
Last week, talking to Peter during the service when he opted to stay with me rather than go to childrens church. Answering his questions. Helping him understand what Communion means, allowing him to take it with me, to break the bread with me then and talk about it after. Hearing the desire to do it again hidden in his voice as we talked.<br />
<br />
This past week and a half as we have prayed for this one boy in Ecuador who needs someone so badly to love him and sponsor him, to pray for him. Explaining what it means for him to live where he does, how he does, to the best of my ability. Sharing pictures taken by the<a href="http://compassionbloggers.com/trips/2011-ecuador" target="_blank"> team of bloggers</a> who were in Ecuador last week.<br />
<br />
Teaching them somehow to let go of the tight grasp they have on their "things" to give away the good stuff, not just the old, ratty toys and stuffed animals they have, but the new. The things they might want, but not need. If they don't want it cause it's old, or dirty, or broken why would someone else want it?<br />
<br />
I want Peter and Marina to learn what it means to be blessed with more grace and joy by God out of giving rather than receiving.<br />
<br />
I want them to understand how blessed we are by God to have all the things that we scatter willy-nilly through the rooms of this house. I want them to know the POWER behind giving thanks in everything. The good and the bad.<br />
<br />
These kids of ours. They aren't extraordinarily selfish or out of balance. They are like any other kid their age. But I want them to have hearts of compassion. They are tender-hearted and I want them to be tender out of compassion for others to the point of wanting to DO something to help them.<br />
<br />
They can learn more about God and encounter more of Jesus in the naming of the gifts we have been given. <br />
<br />
I am not really sure how to help them encounter Jesus this season. But maybe showing them my heart in giving with help. Allowing them to see my tears as I pray for this brother of theirs in Ecuador. I hope that this year they can see Jesus more clearly. Not just from how this time of year seems to promote a "magical" quality in everything... but by really seeing Jesus, and what this season is for.<br />
<br />
I struggle with it every year, but for some reason this year seems particularly hard for me. We want to do so much for them, but really there is no way to "compete" with other things we know are going to be given. And I don't want to compete. <br />
<br />
I would rather they didn't get anything at all, but instead gave things away.<br />
<br />
I never learned that as a child.<br />
Not how to let go easily.<br />
<br />
I don't want them stuck in the mindset of getting and having to learn as an adult how to give.<br />
<br />
Not that I don't want to gift them with presents and things, because I do. I love seeing their faces when they open up something they really want. I want to see them savor the moment. <br />
<br />
But.<br />
<br />
I want to see their faces when they see someone else open up something they really wanted, that Peter and Marina have given. I want to see Peter and Marina savor the moment of giving.... and find really, true joy in that moment. A joy that they will keep giving to receive more of.<br />
<br />
Oh the joy that comes in the thanking God for everything. The good, bad and ugly.<br />
<br />
The bigger house. The large yard. Family close by. The sun streaming in the livingroom window. <br />
<br />
The mess of toys and art supplies on the floor that I keep tripping on cause the kids didn't put them away. The mounds of laundry to be done - because we actually have clothes that need cleaning. The spiders that make the cobwebs that drape our corners and ceilings no matter how often I sweep them and wipe them away - because we have an abundance of wood in our basement to put in our wood furnace to heat the house through the winter. The dirty kitchen floor and counters - because we have a family to feed and food to do it with.<br />
<br />
Fingerprinted windows to clean --- kids to print those windows up in their pointing and waving and pressing up to see out at birds and snowflakes.<br />
Litterbox to change --- cats to curl up on our feet and laps when we settle down together.<br />
Light bulbs to switch out --- we have electricity and the ability to light our house at night.<br />
Carpet to vacuum --- people who are able to run in and out of the house to play or work and track in their day with them.<br />
Beds to make --- loved ones to fill those beds, and somewhere warm and cozy to lie at night.<br />
<br />
As I make my lists, the load of things to "do" becomes lighter and I can do it with a smile, because it is a joy to do these things because I have someone to do them for.<br />
<br />
More and more blessings and gifts from God.<br />
All becomes grace.<br />
All is grace.<br />
<br />
Oh that my kids will learn that. That is how they will be more prepared to encounter God this season. Naming the gifts. Thanking God for everything. <br />
<br />
Lord, teach me how to teach them out of what you have been teaching me!!! Fill up the holes that I will leave, have left, the gaps, and reveal yourself to them. Help them find the balance of enjoying what they have been given, and giving away to others. Help them learn their wants from their needs, and understand that it isn't wrong to have desires, or have those desires met, but not to worship anything or desire anything more than they worship You and desire You.<br />
<br />
Show me the balance. Fill up my holes. Help me worship and bow down to You first and always and only.<br />
<br />
God, sanctifly me through and through until I reflect only You.<br />
<br />
Jesus, let this boy from Ecuador entering our lives right now, at this season help change us all and open our eyes to see all we have been blessed with, gifted with out of Your lavish grace, and help us lavish it on him, and others that cross our paths.<br />
<br />
Prepare our hearts to see and receive You this season... and to respond back to you with joy and thanks.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff162/annvoskamp/subalbumone/walkwithhimwednesdays2-1.jpg" /></a></div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-59386286641406890672011-11-07T15:47:00.000-06:002011-11-07T15:49:31.692-06:00Gifts givenYes, I know....<br />
<br />
Yet again I want to apologize for being away from my blog for so long. I have seen and heard and read time and again that it is bad for your blog when you aren't regular with your posting.<br />
<br />
I agree.<br />
<br />
Yet.<br />
<br />
I haven't been here.<br />
<br />
I have wanted to write. I have a desire to write. I get thoughts and ideas come into my head. They sound wonderful at the moment, but when it comes down to taking the time out to actually write? It doesn't happen.<br />
<br />
Life has been good. It's been full. Living in a bigger house, getting our other one ready to sell and listed, keeping up with the kids in school, trying to stay connected to Dave and them, well it hasn't left much time for other things. By the time the kids are in bed for the night, Dave and I get ready for bed and collapse to read or talk or both for a little bit on our bed, and our lights are generally out pretty early.<br />
<br />
That's big for me. I used to be the one who would stay up until at least midnight. That was when I was doing all my writing. I needed that time alone.<br />
<br />
But now, well yes, I do need time alone. But I am spending a lot of it with God. And when I'm not alone, I am spending it with my family. I can't concentrate enough to write with them around.<br />
<br />
As much as it bothers me not to be on here more, I feel like God is telling me its ok. There was a time when I needed to write to process through things. Now I am more healed than I've ever been, I am spending a majority of my time with my family and not getting too overwhelmed by them or by life in general. This is where I need to be right now. I am learning to be ok with that.<br />
<br />
I have some things stirring around in this head of mine. Maybe they will eventually make it out onto the blog. God is still at work in me, refining as always. It good, hard at times, but good.<br />
<br />
The main reason I am on here today though is to share my thanks.<br />
<br />
I am learning the joy of gratitude.<br />
<br />
I have been reading <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/" target="_blank">Ann Voskamp</a>'s book "<a href="http://onethousandgifts.com/" target="_blank">One Thousand Gifts</a>." Her encouragement to start counting the little things, from the sun streaming through the window, splashing on the carpet, to a quiet day at the church, to tickle fights with the kids, to quiet reading in bed with Dave has started a good work in me...<br />
<br />
Honestly, it is transforming me.<br />
<br />
Her book is amazing, but beyond that the TRUTH that I am hearing from God and what it is doing to me is nearly beyond description. For now, just take a moment and look at the book. Go to <a href="http://onethousandgifts.com/the-book" target="_blank">THIS SITE</a> and take a look at the first chapter for free. I did, and then just had to buy the book. I am slowly working my way through it, but after reading the second chapter, I knew God was calling me to start my own list of gifts - working my way to one thousand and beyond.<br />
<br />
Here is my contribution to the naming of gifts today. Note, I am not starting at #1 because well, I am currently over 200 and that would make this into a loooooonngggg post! :-)<br />
<br />
I will spare you all of that....<br />
<br />
But I will start where I was at on Saturday and give you my named gifts from then to now. These weren't all the gifts, but many of them passed before I could record them. I have to get more practiced at this!<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
#261. The chance to sleep in a bit.<br />
#262. Making soft boiled eggs upon request from my son<br />
#263. Peter playing on the computer<br />
#264. He can play kids game on there BY HIMSELF now!<br />
#265. Sun in Marina's hair<br />
#266. Kids singing along to music<br />
#267. Conviction from God to sponsor a Compassion child<br />
#268. Pastor Casey (our new pastor of Children and Youth ministries) coming today.<br />
#269. Sun up before the kids has to go out to for the bus (because of daylight savings ending)<br />
#270. Apple butter on toast (need I say more?)<br />
#271. Marina learning and singing worship songs in church<br />
#272. Hearing her singing those same songs at home later.<br />
#273. Teaching Peter how to play checkers<br />
#274. Quiet, peaceful, God-filled day at church while I work</blockquote>
<br />
God is so good. Take the time to notice the gifts He gives you. Just your very next breath is a gift. Name it. Name every gift. It brings a joy and a reminder of the deep grace we are given.<br />
<br />
<br />
Check out Ann's <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/11/paying-attention-1000-gifts-the-ecuador-edition/" target="_blank">most recent post</a> as she prepares to go with her husband on a trip to Ecuador with Compassion International.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff162/annvoskamp/multitudesonmondaysbutton2-1.jpg" /></a>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-75772389891252117422011-09-14T16:24:00.001-05:002011-09-14T16:24:38.870-05:00Blessing is a cycle...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
Blessing is a cycle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
When we bless someone else, we get a blessing in return.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
So, what about with God?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Many times in the Bible we are called to bless the Lord.<span> </span>In Psalm 134 the word “bless” is used three
times.<span> </span>Twice the Psalm entreats us to
“bless the Lord.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
However the last time it is used, it is a blessing spoken on us… “May
the Lord bless you…”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Yesterday I finished up the Bible study I was working on through the
summer.<span> </span>“Stepping Up,” by Beth Moore.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
The last couple of days she made the point that blessing is a cycle
with God, not just with one another.<span> </span>It
is a lopsided cycle, but a cycle nonetheless.<span>
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
In faith we come into God’s presence, blessing Him, honoring Him,
praising Him, worshiping Him.<span> </span>Then He
responds, longing to bless us, opening His hands to us to give blessing.<span> </span>And we walk away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
How many times have I gone into worship, struggling to remove the
distractions so that I could truly bless God, truly praise Him, and then walked
out and later felt empty?<span> </span>I felt blessed
at the time of the service, in the service filled and at peace, joy in my
heart.<span> </span>Once I left the building, headed
home and back to my “life” I felt empty and restless, with the worries of life
pressing in again.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
I can spend my time in the Bible, studying and praying in the morning,
but it doesn’t seem to carry over into my day, to relate at all to anything I
am actually doing and encountering in the day.<span>
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Not all the time, but it seems to happen more often than I want to
admit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Beth said that many times we come out of our times of blessing God and
leave His blessings for us behind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
Think about that for a moment.<span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
If blessing really is a cycle, we bless God, He blesses us and back
again, why would we not want to take His blessings with us?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
We praise God and bless Him, honor Him and lift up His name, and then
He pours out His blessing upon us.<span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
It is hard for this little brain of mine to comprehend how it all
works.<span> </span>I offer up my pitiful attempts to
bless God, and then His infinite mercy and grace are flooded over me.<span> </span>How can I possibly walk away from a time
like that and not be blessed? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
And yet…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Many times I blindly stumble out of my times with God, leaving behind
His mercy and grace, all flooded over and dripping on the floor.<span> </span>I come out forgetting I was drenched, feeling
dry as a bone.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Yesterday, after reading Beth’s words the night before was a whole new
day.<span> </span>Monday I was those dry bones.<span> </span>Yesterday, these dry bones were dancing,
washed and covered over by the flood of His grace.<span> </span>His blessings washed away the doubts, fears
and stress of the day before and I was free.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
All I had to do was ask.<span> </span>All I
had to do was ask God to help me walk out of my time with Him with His
blessings in my hands.<span> </span>I opened my hands
and gave Him all my garbage, all my worries, all my stress.<span> </span>Instead of dropping my hands and walking away
when I was done, I kept them open to receive what He had for me.<span> </span>In the process my heart stayed open to
receive the life giving rain of grace, and my eyes stayed open to see the peace
and joy God gave me as a result.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
It started another cycle of blessing.<span>
</span>Praising Him for seeing and feeling the change, for being able to walk
on with His blessing over me, in me.<span> </span>And
my Jesus blessing me again and again throughout the day, reminding me of His
blessings for me…<span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Oh His grace… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
in the moments I fail </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
and </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
the moments I am freed… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
in the moments of victim </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
and then </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
the victory…<span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
I stumble</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
and then</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
I cry…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
He lifts me up</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
and then </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
I fly…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span> </span>His blessings are</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
beyond compare</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
To bless Him </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
and be blessed</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
unaware…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Oh His grace</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
His grace…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/">All is grace…</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-71783331538326301252011-09-02T08:15:00.001-05:002011-09-02T08:31:21.955-05:00Rest? How do you quiet the guilt to really rest?I haven't joined in <a href="http://thegypsymama.com/2011/09/five-minute-friday-rest/">here</a> before, but I saw a <a href="http://prayergifts.blogspot.com/">friend's </a>post telling about it and the word struck my heart today because it is exactly what I am feeling.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://thegypsymama.com/2011/09/five-minute-friday-rest/">Gypsy Mama</a> has a "five minute Friday" every week. She shares a word and then you take five minutes, no more or less, and free write, with no editing, on a word she chooses. This week the word was REST.<br />
<br />
As I have been getting up early with the kids each day, I am still exhausted. My eyes are crossing trying to look at the screen and its only 8am. I don't want to get rid of the exhaused feeling with a latte (homemade) just yet, because then I am not listening to what my body is trying to tell me....<br />
<br />
I wrote below a bit of what my turmoil is and what is currently keeping me from sliding back into bed.<br />
<br />
I am going to link up to <a href="http://thegypsymama.com/2011/09/five-minute-friday-rest/">Gypsy Mama's post</a>, and you can go over there and see what else others have been writing about, as well as the "rules" if you want to join in.<br />
<br />
Preface, my writing went over the five minutes, I think I wrote 7 minutes instead, but had to get that last thought out. :)<br />
<br />
Here we go............<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIR3vL-B1jcII6IATbzQbWb4k00l0OS1eEAFNmrdf-P3cxB_d7jUzbIQhTedWj3QJyoEgVb28xu0ufPnnbCjtxwSKj3oWRUIJqSpxsZp1AQCyQ7VghMG4ycyMiC3cvQ_wMunDM3wa45uR0/s1600/Sunrise+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIR3vL-B1jcII6IATbzQbWb4k00l0OS1eEAFNmrdf-P3cxB_d7jUzbIQhTedWj3QJyoEgVb28xu0ufPnnbCjtxwSKj3oWRUIJqSpxsZp1AQCyQ7VghMG4ycyMiC3cvQ_wMunDM3wa45uR0/s400/Sunrise+pic.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
This is my second day with both kids in school.<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do. Yesterday I feel like I did a fat lot of nothing. I didn't clean (well I loaded the dishwasher and did a quiet time and unloaded the dishwasher and made supper and ran errands first thing in the morning).<br />
<br />
I realized when I went to bed, that though I took a few moments to rest here and there throughout my day i didn't really rest.<br />
<br />
See, we have a house in town that we need to sell. but we need to get it all cleaned up and ready to go and it's no where near ready to go. I really need to go into town on my 2 days off without kids and scrub the bathroom so i can caulk around the tub. I need to clean windows and finish cleaning the kitchen and clean the floors, powerwash the deck and the outside of the house.....<br />
<br />
And where does rest come into all of this?<br />
<br />
I run from one thing to another Monday through Wednesday. Then I come home and have Thursday and Friday off and Saturday and Sunday are devoted to family and church and I can't make myself pull away.<br />
<br />
What is it that makes me feel guilty for taking time to rest?<br />
<br />
I need the quiet. I need the time to spend time with God. Just Him and me not Him and me and laundry, or Him and me and cleaning <u>either</u> house! I need to hear His still, small voice.<br />
<br />
But I feel guilty.<br />
Why can't I rest at home in the time I have to rest?<br />
<br />
Do I hear a voice in the back of my head telling me I need to get this house under control and keep it clean? Do I hear another voice asking me if I have the other house ready to sell? (that would be a very big YES to both those questions!)<br />
<br />
I want to feel the freedom to rest, and feel the peace that passes understanding the "be still and know I am God" type of rest.<br />
<br />
I need to somehow feel like i can rest, take a nap, sleep in, (or go back to bed) and not feel guilty about it or that someone is judging me for it. I need to find a space here, in this house, that I can curl up and rest in Him without feeling guilt. <br />
<br />
How do I unplug from this cycle of "do something" or feel guilt?<br />
<br />
I am going to have to go try finding a place, here at home, where I can chill and not do anything but listen for Gods still small voice. <br />
<br />
<br />
....but it won't be my kitchen! That has 2 five gallon pails of fresh picked tomatoes that need something done with them....Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-50075336404486505872011-08-30T11:17:00.001-05:002011-08-30T11:18:06.227-05:00New season dawning with New freedom<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpJupprlpfwuWReP7qwnR-knYlraxXY3ym8RHZdSjX1VmDtKRXyZlY74mD965aU9oExQvGEo1MVQB8q-aG2DlgRLB6rF9p-JOdqA41atUZFdx3ABI5evI047HV96Qn8hY79p8yXr4_KTaP/s1600/dawn+at+Ocean+Isle+Beach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpJupprlpfwuWReP7qwnR-knYlraxXY3ym8RHZdSjX1VmDtKRXyZlY74mD965aU9oExQvGEo1MVQB8q-aG2DlgRLB6rF9p-JOdqA41atUZFdx3ABI5evI047HV96Qn8hY79p8yXr4_KTaP/s400/dawn+at+Ocean+Isle+Beach.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dawn at Ocean Isle Beach, NC (taken 8-09-11)</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">Just a year ago found me preparing to lead a Bible study for the first time since college. I was in a hard place, a dark one. Depression had snagged me again, and it was hard to look up and see the sun. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">But God had also been speaking to me. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">Through others He had urged me to go back and see my former counselor for a bit. Then He set a desire in my heart to have a Bible study with “my ladies” from the previous year. The thing was, even before that He set in me a powerful desire to go through Beth Moore’s <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Making-Liberty-Reality/dp/0767391128">Breaking Free Bible study</a>. Then one of “my ladies” approached me to see if I was going to do a study, actually lead a study.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">Feeling that was another prompting of the Spirit, I said yes, got people together, ordered the workbooks and borrowed the video sessions from another church.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">“<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Making-Liberty-Reality/dp/0767391128">Breaking Free</a>” followed by “<a href="http://www.lifeway.com/Product/believing-god-experiencing-a-fresh-explosion-of-faith-member-book-P001227729">Believing God</a>” were two ways that God really worked some healing in my life.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">God has healed me and brought me through so much. In 2007 and 2008 He did the major reconstruction. This time was a minor remodel, but it shook me and changed me. Now more than ever I am resting on the Truth, and able to recognize and combat the lies.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">“[The Enemy has] greatly oppressed me from my youth, but [he has] not gained the victory over me. …the Lord is righteous; He has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.” <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%20129&version=NIV1984">Psalm 129</a>:2 and 4 (slight rewording mine)</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">Depression has fled before the Lord, the One who fights for me. There are times of doubt, wavering, depression. Not light before. Not despair. Worry sometimes? The tendency to be anxious? Yes, but it doesn’t go too overboard if I catch it right away, and combat it with the truth!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">God has led me into the dawning of a new season.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">I am leading a Bible study again this fall with “my ladies” and hopefully a few more added to our group. I feel more excited than fearful. Anticipation more than dread at the thought of leading. And really, I don’t “lead” God does. We share and discuss and open our hearts to one another. The Holy Spirit works in our hearts.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">We all have seen great things happen in each other’s lives as a result of God using the Bible studies, and our prayers for each other.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><ul><li>Freedom from depression</li>
<li>Freedom from anxiety in new surroundings</li>
<li>Husbands coming to church with their wives</li>
<li>Family units getting stronger</li>
<li>Children and grandchildren being kept save</li>
<li>Peace in our own hearts about other concerns</li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">All of us are learning to turn to God, to really believe that:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><ol><li>God is who He says He is.</li>
<li>God can do what He says He can do.</li>
<li>I am who God says I am.</li>
<li>I can do all things through Christ.</li>
<li>God’s Word is alive and active in me.</li>
</ol><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">We are believing God!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">I am so looking forward to this new season in my life. I am finding myself anticipating more than ever what God is going to do, and how He is going to reveal Himself and His character to me. He loves us to know Him more, and He loves to show us new facets of who He is. I can’t wait to draw nearer to my Savior.</div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-6859037177855485752011-07-29T22:08:00.000-05:002011-07-29T22:08:25.892-05:00Drained dry of wordsWhew!<br />
<br />
It's been over a month since my last post!<br />
<br />
I didn't realize how long it's been.<br />
<br />
I have run out of words. I read almost daily, but only light stuff. Stuff to make me laugh a bit before I fall asleep at night.<br />
<br />
This has been a busy month, and that in part, drained my words.<br />
<br />
We moved. Packing boxes every night, taking loads to the new house at least two or three times a week, and still trying to live life is more than a load to carry. Last weekend was the final push and we have all the main stuff and are sleeping/living at the farm now, in the ranch style house. It is about double the footage of the house we were in, and has a full basement besides.<br />
<br />
Of course, my in-laws are still in the process of downsizing and moving out. As I have moved things in, I have been packing her things up. My mother came and helped me here, cleaning and organizing to get more put away. My father worked for two days at the other house tearing up the bathroom floor, preparing to replace it. He has to come up again to finish it.<br />
<br />
Now that we are here and moved, our priority has to be working to get the other house ready to sell. It was too small to attempt while we were still living in it, so now we have to clean there and get the outside ready too. We can settle this house later... we have all our life to do that!<br />
<br />
Another thing that has drained my words is the feelings of disconnect from God. When I don't feel connected to Him, I don't feel inspired. When I don't pray anything but "pop corn" prayers, I don't fell like I even have what it takes.<br />
<br />
And I wonder. Does it matter? Who am I writing for anyway?<br />
<br />
Am I doing this blog thing just for me? Am I helping anyone? Am I doing with it what God wants me to?<br />
<br />
It's hard to write here when I don't write much in my journals right now either. <br />
<br />
Yes, I know. It's a phase of life. It's the middle of the first summer that I can really say I have been enjoying my kids and my family and it's going too fast. We have moved, in and of itself that is a huge thing too.<br />
<br />
Writing may take a back seat. But at the same time, I feel like I am really missing something by not writing... by not taking the time to exercise that part of me.<br />
<br />
I am NOT closing down my blog, but my amount of writing is going to be a bit lower, because in reality, I have very little time right now. I am very tired physically, so the thought of staying up much later than the kids to write (as I know some people are able to) is too much for me. That also makes it very hard to get up early, before them, to write too.<br />
<br />
I am struggling to find time in the morning, in my day at all, to spend with God. That has to come before any writing. He is my inspiration for writing, so I can't write without His inspiration. I mean, I can write, but it would all just be drivel.<br />
<br />
So I am going to continue to write, allowing Him to inspire me, move me, working in my head and heart to share as I continue to walk on the road with Him.<br />
<br />
I just have to put Him first. Sounds so easy, but in the busyness of life, it is so, so easy to become distracted.<br />
<br />
I am quite easily distracted. <br />
<br />
Please bear with me as I attempt to go to God first with everything. <br />
<br />
I am praying for God to fill up my soul. I need His help to remember to go to Him first. I need Him to renew me when I am tired, for only then will I be able to do all that I want to, or rather all that He wants me to.<br />
<br />
This renewal thing. Hard when I feel I have to keep "doing" all the time. But the doing has left me dry and wordless. Even this writing, trying to explain what is going on - this even feels dry and empty... like I am pulling random thoughts out and not one is of much consequence.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong. This has been one of the best summers I have had. The depression hits me sometimes, but not as hard and not as often. I am able to enjoy my family and friends. I have been praising God for the changes He has been making in me. But I still feel distant, removed from Him. It takes hard work to focus on Him and everything else ends up getting in the way, and then I get impatient with myself and others.<br />
<br />
So, please pray that as I try to rest in Him and focus on Him, that I will really be able to let go and do just that.<br />
<br />
We are going on vacation in about 7 days... to North Carolina, to the ocean. My kids (ages 7 and 5) first plane ride. I can't wait. I know it's going to be fun. I just want to come back rested and unworried, and closer to God than when I left! (I say that because I know most people need to take a vacation to recover from their vacation!)<br />
<br />
I don't know how much internet access or time I will have to write while I am gone, and in this week of preparation, I don't know how much time I will have to write. Please pray for us... for safety, for the kids to love the plane, not be afraid of it... for an incredible time at the beach. Please pray also for health for us. My husbands mother just is getting over a bad cold that turned into an ear infection. We don't want to go that route for any of us, and I am feeling "under the weather" to say the least.<br />
<br />
Thank you for reading my ramblings. Hopefully as I feel closer to God and get more inspiration from Him, my posts won't be so random, and won't be so rambling!Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-86323285906442058712011-06-23T21:55:00.002-05:002011-06-23T22:05:47.375-05:00Standing Stones...I have been participating in a <a href="http://blog.lproof.org/2010/12/siesta-scripture-memory-instructions.html">Scripture Memory Challenge</a> over that the <a href="http://blog.lproof.org/">Living Proof Ministries</a> blog. Two years ago, Beth Moore asked for some people to join her in committing to memorize two verses a month. <br />
<br />
On the 1st and 15th of every month we would comment on a specific blog post made for that purpose, and leave our name, city and state, and our bible verse, with the reference and version of the bible we took it from. I was able to keep up pretty well with the accountability and did all right.<br />
<br />
Last year, though Beth didn't do an official challenge, I did still try to keep up the 1st and 15th memorization, but it was hard and I kind of slacked off. I don't think I would be able to tell you any of those verses anymore (not that I could right now of the ones I memorized in 2009, though I might remember a few).<br />
<br />
This year, Beth issued the "challenge" again. She set up ahead of time, as an incentive for us, a special celebration at her church in Houston, for this coming January, once we all have made it through the year, and all 24 verses. Our ticket in the door is our scripture memory spiral... along with having "signed in" on each post with our name, and memory verse each time, and the ability to say back to another siesta (sister - just one of the folks following along on her blog) 12 out of the 24 verses we have memorized.<br />
<br />
Well, I am halfway through. I went through yesterday and made myself go over and over the verse references, so I have them in the right order, and then I tried to remember all the first phrase of each verse. Before I fell asleep last night, I went through all 12 and was able to remember the full verses. I am so thrilled. This is much better than the past two years.<br />
<br />
Maybe it is because I have that incentive. I already asked my hubby if it would be possible for me to go to the celebration in January, and he said it was fine with him. I am hoping to meet up with my "siestas" that I have gotten to know from their posts, their blogs... but more important, I am looking forward to celebrating with God the fact that I was able to commit to memory precious bits of His Word that no one can ever steal from me.<br />
<br />
This time around, as we are halfway through, Beth asked us to finish the sentence "memorizing God's Word has...."<br />
<br />
I realized, as I looked back, that every single verse has made a huge impact on me because each and every one of them has been fitted to my exact need at that moment, or spoke to situations I found myself in for the next 15 days or so after I chose it.<br />
<br />
I had to respond to Beth's question of what the memorization has done by saying each verse is a standing stone. A standing stone attesting to the power of God, the amazing acts of God in my life, in the lives of those around me... Twelve standing stones so far. I have no doubt that there will be a total of twenty four by the end of the year. <br />
<br />
It's not just a random gathering of verses. Each time, I ask God to give me exactly what I need for that day and the ones to come. Each time He has answered me. <br />
<br />
On Monday, I still hadn't chosen a verse for the 15th. I was nearly a week late. I couldn't find anything to settle on. It was quiet at church. I was working, but I felt like I was in so much of a haze. I just couldn't focus well on anything, and I was all out of sorts. I think I was dealing with some depression. I felt disconnected from God, from my emotions, and didn't like the out of touch feeling I was having. <br />
<br />
I finally got so frustrated at not being able to find a verse, and with the way I was feeling, that I said out loud, "God, I just need a Word! I need a Word from you!" <br />
<br />
I felt silly for saying it out loud and was glad that no one was there to hear me, because it came out much louder than I had intended.<br />
<br />
I have been "<a href="http://adifferentstory.net/2011/05/27/parking/">parked</a>" in First Peter for a while (what I had thought was only a <a href="http://adifferentstory.net/2011/05/20/ill-tell-you-what-i-need-invitation-to-a-seven-day-stay/">seven day stay</a> turned into a month or more now), and had moved away from that book to find a verse, but found myself back there - and there it was. My verse. Literally moments after I cried out, God answered me with a verse.<br />
<br />
<blockquote><span style="color: #cc0000;">"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9</span></blockquote><br />
Here I was feeling disconnected from my emotions and God. Frustrated with some things I was working on. Gloomy because of the dark, rainy weather.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">BUT</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I am <b>chosen</b>.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I am <b>royalty</b>.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I am <b>holy</b>.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I <b>belong </b>to God.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">That who I am.</div><div style="text-align: center;">Why? Whats the purpose of that?</div><br />
So that I can <u><i><b>declare His praises</b></i></u>. Praise God and glorify Him before everyone I meet. Everyone in my life, that I encounter, who I work with, should be able to see God in me, and hear how He has worked and what He is doing.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">Why am I to do that? What prompts praising God?</div><br />
He called me out of the darkness. I remember the darkness well. But now I am living in His glorious light (I suppose I always was, but didn't see it... now He has pulled the veil of lies away and I can SEE!!!!)<br />
<br />
God gave me the verse that I needed to remember. I had some things that happened on Tuesday that could have really dumped me down. But I had that verse. Normally I would have reacted much worse to something like that - and I did react, but it didn't get me down for as long, because I remembered my verse.<br />
<br />
No matter what happens, I have an identity defined by God. I have a purpose defined by God. I have nothing to fear because I am firmly in His light. Even if it's a cloudy, dark, cold dreary day!<br />
<br />
See. That was an example of how this memory verse is a standing stone to me. All of the others have their own story to tell.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>How I have grown to love standing stones! </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-46816595128564168892011-06-14T16:20:00.002-05:002011-06-23T20:59:26.379-05:00believing and praying<blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">"I've anchored my life in the belief that God can do anything, but somehow feel presumptuous believing He will for me. That's doubt masquerading as false humility. And that, my friends, saddens God and limits His work in my life." <a href="http://glynniswhitwer.com/">Glynnis Whitwer</a> in her devotional at <a href="http://devotions.proverbs31.org/">Encouragement for Today</a>.</span></span></blockquote><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">How much of the time do I pray, even now, feeling presumptuous because I know God can do anything, but will He? Will he for me?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I fear praying bold prayers, giving voice to the silent dreams inside, afraid they are not what God wants for me. That allows fear and doubt to rule me, to dominate my life, to dictate what I am going to do and say. Instead, in faith, I need to step out and believe. Pray, daring to believe that God will answer my prayers. If they aren't in line with His will, He will make them line up. He will say no. He will redirect me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I don't want my prayer life to take a back seat to "life" as I live it. The "life" I live as I run from one thing to another, exhausted. Not taking care of myself by getting enough sleep, or eating correctly, gets me tired and crabby, which then overflows into how I care for the kids and interact with my husband. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Is that really Life? No, not the way God intends us to live it, and not the way Christ modeled it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Jesus made prayer His priority. When He was tired of the crowd and needed refreshing, He went to be with His Father, He rested, He ate. I need to do all those same things.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I need to start my day at nightfall, getting good rest and continue my day, following that rest by time with Jesus. Time in prayer. Time in His word, refreshing my spirit the way my body was refreshed by sleep. Then the rest of my day should continue in productivity with whatever God has laid out before me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I need to restructure my days and nights so that I get into a different rhythm. I need it. My spirit needs it. I spent the weekend without any one on one time with God, and I could feel it yesterday. Thursday, I spent some good time with Him in the morning, but Friday, Saturday, Sunday and even mostly yesterday, I didn't concentrate on time with Him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I now am running on an empty fuel tank... on fumes. My new day, starting with my nightfall will be spent at work, in a meeting and locking up after another meeting is done. I won't get to really rest till well after nightfall tonight (or should I say tomorrow? See, my brain can't wrap itself around this one!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I long to be closer to Jesus. I want to pray in His will. Yes, I am still afraid to pray the wrong things. The only way I will know how to pray His will is to take care of myself, as God's temple, and to restructure my busy schedule so that I can have the room to take time out and away to spend time with Him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yes, God can do what He says He can do. And He is willing to do it in my life, and in yours. It isn't presumptuous, its called stepping out in faith without trusting in my own strength to do something "just in case" God doesn't come through the way I think He should.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I never knew it would be such a struggle to really believe God. It sounds so easy, but it is a daily decision, a moment by moment decision sometimes. Prayer, effective and powerful prayer is found in someone who really truly believes God, has faith and is willing to step out over the edge of a cliff without seeing anything that will keep them from falling. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">That unwavering faith is what fuels someone to ask the seeming impossible, because with God all things are possible.... for those who believe in Him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-57622850852676249402011-06-07T12:16:00.000-05:002011-06-07T12:16:35.370-05:00My story...I ran across a <a href="http://goinswriter.com/tell-your-story/">blog post</a> today that challenged me.<br />
<br />
The writer shared that we all have a story, and need to know how to tell it. That means we actually have to know what our story is.<br />
<br />
Much of my story has poured out here on my blog. I have written a lot over the years, though it has tapered off some in the last months. But just because I have found more freedom in Christ, found more joy, found more of Jesus... well that doesn't mean that my story is done.<br />
<br />
God has so much more for me (and you). His redeeming love has rescued me from so much. He is rescuing me. Daily. He will rescue me.<br />
<br />
I don't get it. His wild, irrational, redeeming love. But I am so grateful, thankful, overjoyed, humbled. He sings over us when we are unaware. He constantly whispers truth about ourselves and about Him in our ears. Sometimes it takes a lot to really hear what He is saying.<br />
<br />
Oh God, help me hear and acknowledge and really believe what it is You are saying!<br />
<br />
This post about <a href="http://goinswriter.com/tell-your-story/">becoming an expert at telling your story</a> had a challenge at the end.<br />
<br />
He asked, "<u><b>In three sentences or less, what is your story?</b></u>"<br />
<br />
Here is what I came up with, after many drafts.<br />
<br />
<blockquote style="color: #4c1130;"><b>"Coming from a sheltered home-life, I succumbed silently to cruel bullying in school. After finding Christ in college, terrible depression enslaved me using my poor choices and relationships. Ready to die, God stopped me, setting my feet on the path of freedom, teaching me transparency and dependency on Him, giving me an impossible joy."</b></blockquote><br />
So, I am asking you. What is <b><i><u>your</u> </i></b>story? Can you express it in three sentences or less? Will you share it with me?Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-88759535891762076922011-06-04T14:23:00.000-05:002011-06-04T14:23:53.957-05:00OverwhelmedHere I am sitting at the computer on a beautiful, sunny, warm day. I am inside, only because the kids and I were out this morning and ate lunch as a picnic in our back yard. They got tired and wanted in, so therefore I had to go in too.<br />
<br />
I have a ton of things I could be doing around here. The list seems to be unending. I have been working on some laundry, cleaned up the kitchen some, and started defrosting some brats for supper. <br />
<br />
But.<br />
<br />
I have a ton more to do, other than the day to day upkeep.<br />
<br />
We are going to be moving, probably at the beginning of August to the farm. We need to get the house ready to go on the market. I can't begin to comprehend how in the world we are going to get this place ready!<br />
<br />
All I can see right now is the big picture. I can't figure howanything that I attempt to do today even begins to affect that big picture!<br />
<br />
I am overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed I grind to a halt. <br />
<br />
It doesn't help that I'm still not feeling 100% over the cold I had yet. I am still exhausted, and coughing some still. I want to curl up and sleep, but that may not be all due to the cold, as some of that comes from the automatic shut down I go into when I don't know how to tackle what I have to tackle.<br />
<br />
With all the day to day things I need to get done, I can't seem to figure out how to get the other stuff done on top of it. I am so behind on the laundry, the cleaning, and daily maintenance because of my cold, that it will take me all weekend to get caught up on that, and by the time I get to next weekend... well, I will be starting over on that stuff again, and not get to the clearing out of this house to move.<br />
<br />
Dave set the kids last week to packing up some of their toys. Marina partially filled one box and quit (and I kept on throwing away things, or throwing more in there. Peter filled 3 boxes. That was a start. I however keep flitting from one thing to another, with great intentions and nothing gets done.<br />
<br />
I can hear Peter in their room right now, throwing things into a box to take things out to the farm. I wish I had his motivation, or focus or whatever it is that is getting him going right now!<br />
<br />
I guess what I could use is some prayer~<br />
to be able to see one piece at a time<br />
to have the motivation to do something - however small<br />
to not let myself get overwhelmed but instead focus on God who is my strength<br />
to trust in Him and believe Him in this upheaval as well<br />
<br />
Don't think that I don't want to move to the farm. I do. Very much. I just wish there was some way to "zap" all our stuff there and not have to figure out how to pack it all up!<br />
<br />
So, if it is quiet around my blog for a bit, it isn't because I don't want to write. It is mostly because I am so exhausted and have so much to do.<br />
<br />
When I have this much on my plate, I find myself feeling dry and unable to write. I hate that feeling and it is hard to try to write when I feel like all I am writing is "drivel!"<br />
<br />
Know that I am taking time to read and visit other blogs, but I just have felt really dry and unable to contribute much.<br />
<br />
And now I must go and see what "damage" the kids are doing as they are trying to "pack up their room" to move it to the farm!!Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-38312236432028454892011-05-25T12:36:00.001-05:002011-05-25T12:38:10.610-05:00Be prepared. Be sober. Hope fully.<blockquote><span style="color: #0b5394;">"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed."</span> 1 Peter 1:13</blockquote><br />
<br />
How many times have I gone into things, unprepared to take action? So many times I have floundered because of that.<br />
<br />
Here though, Peter says to be prepared. <br />
<br />
How exactly? That's what I struggled with as I meditated my scripture memory verse. My thoughts have clarified some now and I think it is by soaking in the Word of Truth. If I focus on scripture, not just the times I have to memorize it, or get a quick moment in it, rather have focused times of reading and studying it, I will be preparing my mind.<br />
<br />
When I am tempted, God says that he will provide a way out of that temptation. But how will I see the way out unless I have been soaking up his truth?<br />
<br />
When I am faced by temptation, I have to be prepared for action. In the King James version, it says "gird up the loins of your mind." It seems a strange thing to us now, but back in the day, they wore long robes that hampered their movement. When they needed to be prepared to move or run, they reached down and grabbed the bottom edge of the back of their robe, pulled it up to the front and tucked it into their belts... in effect creating crude shorts, in which they could run, move, fight more freely.<br />
<br />
Peter is saying we need to do the same thing with the loins of our mind. Prepare ourselves in our minds. Gather in the loose "robes" or affections, entanglements, and bring them under control of truth, God's Truth. <br />
<br />
Then is says simply, be self-controlled (or sober in KJV).<br />
<br />
<br />
How can any of us be self-controlled or sober when we have all these loose things and are unprepared in our minds? I know from experience that my self-control is out the window.<br />
<br />
If I am not prepared, then self control will be hard to come by in the heat of the moment, when a decision needs to be made - do I do this, or do I do what God wants me to?<br />
<br />
Being sober (or self-controlled) also means not to be inebriated in my mind. It means cutting out the things that would dull my senses to God, his glory and goodness, his love and faithfulness, and that would hinder my coming to Him in everything, hinder my prayer life.<br />
<br />
Here is a quote from Matthew Henry's commentary on this verse.<br />
<br />
<blockquote style="color: #0b5394;">"Be sober, be vigilant against all your spiritual dangers and enemies, and be temperate and modest in eating, drinking, apparel, recreation, business, and in the whole of your behavior. Be sober-mined also in opinion, as well as in practice, and humble in your judgment of yourselves."</blockquote><br />
I have found my scripture memory verse this time to be full of such meaning and depth, that I have really gained a lot from studying it. There is such application for me, for where I am at right now.<br />
<br />
When it seems like God has given me a "wait," that doesn't mean that I get to coast. If I coast in my walk with him, in what I am doing for Him, in how I am pursuing him, when He gives me the "go ahead" I won't be ready. I may never get the "go ahead" from Him! I might miss out on the opportunities He laid before me because I wasn't tuned into Him and didn't see them!<br />
<br />
Continuing to prepare my mind for action, and continuing to be self-controlled will keep me in tune with God. I will be able to build and maintain a strong connection with Him so that I am ready for anything.<br />
<br />
The final thing is that my hope isn't in the preparation and readiness for action, or in the temperance and modesty in the whole of my behavior, my hope is fully fixed on God's grace. He already has poured out such grace on me. To think that He will continue to pour it out on me... <br />
<br />
<blockquote>How to imagine the vastness of God?<br />
How to grasp the unending grace of God?<br />
How to understand His willingness to pour it out on me?</blockquote><br />
There is no understanding it. However, even with things you don't understand fully, you can still fully place your hope in them.<br />
<br />
So, I am determined to prepare myself for action. I am going to be ready when God tells me to "go." Instead of trying to gather my stuff up last minute and go, I want it all packed up and set. I am determined to be self-controlled. I know that I won't always be perfect at that, but I can strive for it, with God's help.<br />
<br />
And above all else, I am going to <b><u>hope fully</u></b>. Not halfheartedly. Not partially. With all my heart, mind, soul and strength I am going to love God, I am going to set my hope on His grace.<br />
<br />
If, rather, <u><b>when</b></u> I fall and fail, I am going to get back up and keep on. I don't want to give up anymore. I have done so much of that. Giving up on things in the past. But not this time. Not with this. I have done too much work to gain the healing and wholeness God wants for me.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #0b5394; text-align: center;">I will:</div><div style="color: #0b5394; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #0b5394; text-align: center;">Be prepared.</div><div style="color: #0b5394; text-align: center;">Be sober.</div><div style="color: #0b5394; text-align: center;">Hope fully.</div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-83972633160383031112011-05-13T19:23:00.001-05:002011-05-14T10:08:01.210-05:00Afraid to dream?<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I read <a href="http://fieldsgold.blogspot.com/2011/05/ill-hold-out-hope-until-tomorrow.html">somewhere today</a> about dreaming dreams. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">You know, what kind of dreams and aspirations you have. What are you longing for, dreaming for, wanting so badly you can practically taste it?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">One of the prompts at the <a href="http://fieldsgold.blogspot.com/2011/05/ill-hold-out-hope-until-tomorrow.html">end of the post</a> was this:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><blockquote style="color: red;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">“Lay out your dreams before the Lord, asking which are His dreams too or which might not be in His will.”</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I started thinking about it and wondered, do I have any dreams to dream?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">The more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe I am afraid to dream. Does that make any sense at all? I mean, here I am, after all these year, finally feeling really free to do the things God has called me to….</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">And….</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">And what?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I wrote in my journal that I am afraid to dream. I can think of a lot of reasons from my past why I would or should be afraid to dream. There have been times where dreams have gotten squashed. There is a varied past that the enemy would love to throw up in my face, or use to haunt me too.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Mistakes made.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Words said.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Things done.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">But that any of that would hold me back from dreaming is a lie.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I am learning to minister where I am right now in a new capacity, feeling new wings underneath me. I am learning what it means to be a wife and mom free from my past and leading worship, being the administrator at our church, leading a women’s Bible study each semester.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">To think too far ahead is scary. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if I can even dream anything. And if I dream it, can I do it? (I know, apart from God I can’t… but you know what I mean)</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I haven’t hardly spoken or thought about any dreams that I might have with anyone, much less with God. So to lay out any dreams before God to see if they are in His will or not - that’s scary - because I feel like I would have to really commit to something then.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I feel like God still has me in this “wait” pattern yet, but at the same time, I have to be preparing myself. How and with what, or rather for what, I don’t know.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Looking down deeper now, I an see a couple of dreams. Some of them aren’t dependent on me, so I won’t share them here. However, some are. One of them is seeing my kids becoming sold out for Christ. I want to see them really love Him and follow Him of their own will and decision, not because I do, or because I make them go to church, but because they really want to.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">That’s a dream, so I guess that I’m not too afraid of dreaming.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">In <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/05/when-youre-burying-all-your-hopes-and-dreams/">ANOTHER POST</a> at <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/">A Holy Experience today</a> I read something that also really hit me that I have to include here. Her husband is a farmer and is in the process of planting his fields...</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt;"></div><div style="color: red;">"This is what the Farmer is doing: he’s cutting the soil open. The sharp edge of the disk slashes the ground wide open. And Jesus, he bears scars and what is torn open in our lives, it can seem like destruction.<i> Yet.</i></div><div style="color: red;"><i> Yet.</i></div><div style="color: red;">Out of the lancing of our fields, life will unfurl.</div><div style="color: red;">Out of the scars of Christ, our salvation comes.</div><div style="color: red;"><b>Out of what seems to ruin our lives, our very rescue can begin.</b></div><div style="color: red;"><i>The resurrection people know it: The tearing open can be the beginning of triumph."</i> (Ann Voskamp)</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">I have had some pretty deep “tearing open” of my own these past years. I feel light years from that now, and yet closer too. New life is springing forth for me now, in me. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">New green shoots springing from newly turned over ground. Tender and easily bruised, but full of such promise. They need to be treated tenderly. What the fruit will be that these shoots hold, I don’t yet know. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">Maybe they are the birth of new dreams for me. These new shoots in me need to be treated tenderly, protected from the lies from the past and present that would trample over them, crushing them back into the ground.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><i>God, help me not be afraid to let these green shoots continue to spring up and grow. You planted the seeds in me that they have come from. Lord, help me root them deep into the soil of Your guidance, and feed and water them with Your Word and Truth. Help me not cave into the lies, worries of what others may think, or fear of failure. Help me cling to You and listen for Your voice. Help me to keep everything laid bare out before You so You can see it all, expose any lies or sins, so that I can know that I am in Your will. Help me walk out in faith. To put action towards those dreams in the steps that You show me from day to day. Because I am on the road with You, Jesus. Now I want to start WALKING on that road, not just sitting or standing on it… I want to move forward along the way You show me. Amen.</i></b></div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-17193831581762300652011-04-27T19:20:00.000-05:002011-04-27T19:20:41.598-05:00God has it all...<div>This morning, as I sat in the sanctuary, I had a bible in my hands and it fell open to Psalm 18. (No, it wasn't <b><u>my</u> </b>bible, so I can't say that my love of that Psalm helped it there....) and this is what I read:</div><div> </div><blockquote><div>"He brought me out into a spacious place;</div><div>He rescued me because He delighted in me." vs. 19 </div></blockquote><div> </div><div>A spacious place... an open area, or a place of <u>safety</u> as one translation renders it....</div><div> </div><div>And I felt that there this morning. I knew that God has it all. </div><div> </div><div>I mean, we are selling our house so we can move to the farm. But first we have to paint, clean, empty out and do some repairs. At the same time, still live there with 2 kids and 2 cats. How in the world are we supposed to keep this little house clean enough to show it?</div><div> </div><div>Yet.</div><div><br />
</div><div>God can see it. He knows what we will do. He knows our choices. He knows the buyer. He knows how He is going to use this house. He knows how He is going to use us in the lives of the buyers, in the lives of Dave's family. He knows how it is all going to turn out....</div><div> </div><div style="text-align: center;">... and suddenly I could breathe again...</div><div> </div><div style="text-align: center;">He brought me out to a spacious place - (into a place of safety)<br />
<br />
Why? <br />
<br />
Be cause He delights in me.<br />
<br />
Period.</div><div> </div><div>He delights in me. In you. In everyone He created. He rejoices over us with singing.</div><div><br />
</div><div>All these thoughts flooded me as I sat there in His presence in the sanctuary, my safe place.</div><div><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">I had peace.</div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><div> </div><div>It's so amazing, that peace that passes understanding.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div></div><div>I just look at where God has taken me, and though I am overwhelmed with the thought of prepping my house for painting with my dad, much less anything else, I know that God has taken me through so much worse. </div><div> </div><div>There was no way I could have persevered through what I did without Him pushing me all the way. He was the one who placed that little bit of grit and determination in me to keep me going, even when the rest of me wanted to die, stop and forget, and give up. </div><div> </div><div>As Psalm 18 says in the New Living Translation:<div> </div></div><div><blockquote><div>"Lord, You have brought light to my life; my God, you light up my darkness. In Your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall." vs. 28-29</div></blockquote><div> </div><div>The impossible things that we are up against, that seem like such a high wall to climb, they aren't impossible with God.</div><div><br />
</div><div>God has taken me into my promised land. Once the Israelites were in their promised land, they had to fight for every square foot of it, even though it was theirs. They had to take it from their enemies, even though it was theirs.</div><div><br />
</div><div>I have to take my promised land too. Its different, but the same. I have to take the land that is mine, but not in my strength but God's. Its with HIS strength that I can crush an army. It is WITH my God I can scale any wall.</div><div><br />
</div><div>My wall and army is my house and the mountain of work there for me to do. But my God's strength is more than enough. </div><div> </div><div>Without Him, I will not be able to scale the walls of my Jericho, but with Him, I won't have to even touch those walls. </div><div> </div><div> They'll just come tumbling down!<br />
</div></div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-67017025479300900172011-04-19T17:26:00.000-05:002011-04-19T17:26:27.168-05:00The right Garden...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--> <m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent><!--[endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal">I read something recently comparing the Garden of Eden with the Garden of Gethsemane.<span> </span><span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The different men in them.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">They were both wrestling.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">When you read the beginning of Genesis, you don’t see the wrestle.<span> </span>But it’s there.<span> </span>It’s implied between the lines.<span> </span>If you’ve been walking in the garden with God, in freedom and love and trust, there is a wrestle to move away from that.<span> </span>How difficult the wrestle is sometimes depends on how long you’ve been walking with God, and how deeply you have believed Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The thought that God didn’t really have their best at heart must have been like a knife.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The thought that God was holding something out on them, or denying them something they hadn’t even thought to have asked.<span> </span>Painful.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">To have the truth twisted just a little bit, turned a minute hair, and the wrestle was over.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The choice was made.</div><div class="MsoNormal">They ate.</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">And then they saw, really saw.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Oh, I have lived so long wishing that my eyes had never lost their innocence!<span> </span>Wishing that different choices had been made.<span> </span>Wishing I had won my wrestlings, and thus stayed close to God.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">How much regret and guilt and shame must have weighed Adam down.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In the Garden of Gethsemane, there was another wrestle.<span> </span>A hard fought one.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The thought of what God was asking Him to do must have been like a knife.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The thought that God might find another way to work out His purposes, yet be choosing Him to suffer.<span> </span>Painful.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Through the wrestle, maybe Jesus’ emotions cried out terribly to not even have to make a choice.<span> </span>Maybe He didn’t want to.<span> </span>I know there have been times when I have been forced to make a choice and all I have wanted to do was run away.<span> </span>But in the running, that is a choice as well.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I have lived with the agony of emotions torn apart.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jesus did that night in His garden.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jesus’ choice was made.</div><div class="MsoNormal">He ate.</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">In His eating, He saw, really saw, the depths and the heights.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">His eating took time.<span> </span>Painful, pain filled time.<span> </span>Torture, separation from His Father, death… but then, glorious resurrection!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In the Garden of Eden, Adam made a choice.<span> </span>It was a choice to believe the lies, and not God.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Adam chose unbelief.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In the Garden of Gethsemane, when Jesus cried out, “Not my will but Your’s be done,” He made a choice.<span> </span>His choice was to believe the truth, believe His Father.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jesus chose belief.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Belief.</div><div class="MsoNormal">Trust.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In our gardens of wrestling, where are we going to land?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Are we going to be in the right garden?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Am I?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Am I going to be in the right garden with Jesus, crying out, “Not my will Father, but Your’s be done!”<span> </span>Or will I succumb to the lies and the subtle and not so subtle traps of the enemy in the wrong garden and tell God that I am going to do it my way, not His?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If I pick the second, I am choosing unbelief.<span> </span>That’s the start to all other sins. If I don’t believe God for something, I am going to try to fix it on my own, try to escape whatever is bothering me, and land myself in more sin and trouble.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If I pick the first, I am choosing to believe my Living God.<span> </span>Actively believing God means trusting Him with my all.<span> </span>Me.<span> </span>My life.<span> </span>My family.<span> </span>My job.<span> </span>My church.<span> </span>My future.<span> </span>All of it is in His hands.<span> </span>His plans are the best for me.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">That active belief produces life altering peace like nothing else I have ever experienced.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want to always end up in the right garden, the Garden of Gethsemane. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yes, it was filled with pain.<span> </span>Yes, it was filled with tears.<span> </span>Yes it was filled with wrestling, sweating to the point of blood.<span> </span>Horrid wrenching emotions, nearly leading to despair.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But it is a Garden filled with God.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">It is a Garden in which <span> </span>I can walk with Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal">It is a Garden I can be free and unashamed…. Even unashamed of the emotions the wrestling has pulled out of me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It is the right Garden.</div><div class="MsoNormal">The Garden of Belief.</div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-16115060255963470412011-04-03T16:23:00.001-05:002011-04-03T16:25:44.624-05:00Making everything new...Today I looked outside and was met with a rainy Sunday morning as I got ready for church. While getting ready, I heard thunder. Then there was the bits of ice hitting the window and the hint that it had snowed out a bit too.<br />
<br />
My husband came home from his third shift and warned me to take it easy on the way home. The further north, the worse the roads were. (He had come from work, which is north of us by only about 20 minutes - there was that much difference in the temperatures and precipitation type)<br />
<br />
It's still cold and grey, windy and misty out, even now.<br />
<br />
Our pastor reminded us this morning that though everything looks dead, dormant and we keep thinking that spring will never come, every single year it does.<br />
<br />
Spring is such a reminder that God brings new life to what seems dead.<br />
<br />
Revelations 21:5 says that God is making everything new, and that His words are trustworthy and true.<br />
<br />
Did you hear that?<br />
<br />
Everything.<br />
Not just some things, some plants, some trees, some people, some situations.<br />
Everything.<br />
<br />
New life, new sight, new hearing, new flesh, new hope.<br />
<br />
God has so much in store for us in the new life He offers. He has so much in store for me in the new life He offers to me.<br />
<br />
My heart was just overflowing this morning with gratitude as we gathered together in the prayer meeting before the service. We only had about 40 minutes, but the time just seemed to fly by. I was truly able to enter into His presence and praise Him, confess and seek forgiveness for my sins, and pray for others in a way that I am not always able to do in group prayer times.<br />
<br />
Pastor Kim shared today the differences between the Old Covenant that God made with Israel, and the New Covenant He has made with us. He had three different points, but one really jumped out at me.<br />
<br />
The Old Covenant brought feelings of condemnation, while the New brings feelings of commendation.<br />
<br />
The Old showed how we constantly fail at keeping God's laws and commands. the New gives us the internal power (by the Holy Spirit dwelling in us) to do what is right.<br />
<br />
What really struck me about that was God shows us what to do and then empowers us to do it. <br />
<br />
How many times have I gotten stuck? I hear and feel God impressing on me something He wants me to do or say. He speaks directly into my heart. Through His word, or through someone else or a bible study I am doing, He asks me to do something, or to give something up. And that's where I get stuck, because I feel like it is completely impossible. There is no way that I can do it, not a single chance that I could ever do or not do whatever it is.<br />
<br />
and I can't. <br />
Not in my own power.<br />
<br />
But. God.<br />
<br />
I love those words! How many times in the bible have those words come together just before God does something amazing, or gives an incredible promise?<br />
<br />
God gives me the power to actually do or not do what He wants me to. I have to accept His help. I have to do my part and determine to do what is right, make the right choices, take captive my thoughts, stand firm against the enemy, filter my emotions through the truth of God's Word. Without His Spirit in me, I wouldn't be able to do any of those things effectively in my own power. I wouldn't be able to make those choices without His power in me, working to help me.<br />
<br />
How many times do we find people walking through life, but not really living it the way God created?<br />
<br />
And I'm not talking about non-believers here. <br />
I am talking about <strong><u>us</u></strong>. <br />
The <strong><u>church</u></strong>. <br />
The Body of Christ. <br />
The very people that God has given up His Son for, and given His Spirit to!!!!<br />
<br />
How many times, how long have I walked through this life of mine, without really living? God has given NEW life, hope, peace, power, joy. New ears to hear His truth, new eyes to see Him working, new flesh to walk purely.<br />
<br />
We have such power if we choose to tap into it. God has given us so much more than "just" salvation. We have so much more than a ticket to heaven!<br />
<br />
With that new life, I have a new hope to which God has called me. Imagine that! We are called to HOPE! I have a glorious inheritance. Not just in heaven, but here on this earth God has given me, given all of us a Promised Land to live in - one flowing with milk and honey - abundance in ways we can't ever imagine.<br />
<br />
<br />
Here is where I am going with this. We have incomparably great power that is ours if we believe. Not just believe in Him, but really believe Him. <br />
<br />
That is the power I was talking about earlier. Power to do what God is asking of us. His power that raised Christ from the dead is at our disposal if we only knew how to use it. We don't have to walk about in defeat. We are free! Can't we start living like it? can't we start stepping out in the little things to see what God can do?<br />
<br />
He is willing to start small with us, as long as we are willing to trust Him. As I have become more willing to believe my Father, as I have CHOSEN to believe Him, He has taken me a step at a time. <br />
<br />
I've felt like I have been saying, "Ok, I thought I heard You say to test out the ground here and see if it is dry enough for me to walk on..." And so I take a step. Then there is another one, and another one. He keeps asking me, "Are you going to believe Me here too? Are you willing to believe me for this area of your life too?" I have recently been looking back, and all those little steps have added up to quite a long distance. Even in just the last 2 months or so.<br />
<br />
All it takes is one step at a time. There is no condemnation for failing to live up to the "standards" and the "law." There is just love and gentle correction and a complete wiping clean of the slate. He gives us such love and approval when we do what He wants, and such love and forgiveness when we don't that we don't ever, ever have to feel condemned. <br />
<br />
<br />
Only the enemy wants to hold us back. Only the enemy wants to keep us walking through life, not seeing the freedom and joy and peace we can have. Only the enemy wants to keep us from accessing the incomparably great power that is ours in Christ.<br />
<br />
Because if we do, if we start living those victorious lives that are possible in Christ, we are going to be so attractive to other believers, they are going to want to know how to access that power in their lives. On top of that, we will find ourselves living our lives in such a way that we will be attractive to those who don't believe and they will want to know how we can live with such peace and joy.<br />
<br />
No, we don't get it right all the time when we live in victory and freedom. <br />
But that is the beauty of it. <br />
We ALWAYS live in forgiveness. <br />
We always walk in the new life, with new hope and new growth.Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-67511068709869981632011-03-18T21:16:00.000-05:002011-03-18T21:16:47.531-05:00One season ending, a New One starting<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--> <m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent><!--[endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal">So last week was a faith-step for me, when I told Tricia that was my last appointment with her.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Tuesday, was another one for me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was able to tell my psychiatrist that I was done counseling, and that I had been skipping meds, but now was stable on them again.<span> </span>I also told him that I really was doing better.<span> </span>And I was telling the truth! <span> </span>After some discussion, we were able to definitely agree that we aren’t going to change any medications right now, and not rock the boat and see how things go.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I told him one of the things I was looking forward to was a summer with my family.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The last few summers have been shadowed by other things.<span> </span>Pain and heartache, and difficult things that took my mind and focus off my family.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I will still be balancing work and family this summer.<span> </span>I will still be dealing with “things,” because we always have “things” and stuff that we have to deal with from time to time.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But I want a really great summer with my kids, where we can have fun and play and spontaneously run to visit grandparents, or friends, or go to a beach – in another state if we want.<span> </span>Just get away as much as we can and have fun.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">God has stuff in store for me.<span> </span>I don’t know what it is, but I know it is good.<span> </span>He has a new country for me, my promised land.<span> </span>All I have to do is finish crossing the Jordan River and get my feet on the shore.<span> </span>He will always be with me and walk with me.<span> </span>I just need to follow Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I have such a sense of a season ending.<span> </span>A new one is starting.<span> </span>I haven’t felt something like this before.<span> </span>Not like this, with such hope involved in it.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">When I look back at the posts here on this blog, and see all the ways that God has helped me, been with me and saved me, over and over…. I have realized something.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Beth Moore was talking about standing stones in the “Believing God” bible study.<span> </span>How God told the Israelites to take 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan River and stand them up.<span> </span>Then their children would ask, “What do these stones mean?”<span> </span>Then they could tell of how faithful God was in saving them out of Egypt.<span> </span>He parted the Red Sea, and stayed with them through the desert.<span> </span>He gave them the commandments to live by, the laws and rules that would set them apart.<span> </span>He gave them food and water, just enough, just when they needed it.<span> </span>Their clothes and shoes never wore out.<span> </span>And after 40 years of wandering, He brought them back to the Jordan River, across on dry ground into their promised land.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This blog is <u><i><b>full</b></i></u> of standing stones.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I can see where He has taken me out of the slavery of my “Egypt” and walked me through a parted Red Sea.<span> </span>But I had to wander for “forty years” in the “desert” of depression, painful memories, and a darkness of my thoughts that terrified me. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yet God never let me completely wear out.<span> </span>He never let me down.<span> </span>He always provided what I needed, exactly when I needed it.<span> </span>He proved Himself over and over.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He has taught me how to live, given me boundaries that fall in pleasant places.<span> </span>I have learned from Jesus what it is to rely on Him and His Father, my Father.<span> </span>He has set me apart to serve Him, to stand out from the culture, not by what I say, or even do, but by how I live.<span> </span>How I live, really live, alive and full of joy is what sets me apart, and draws others to me, to Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After all my wandering He has brought me to the Jordan River and asked me again if I am ready to cross it.<span> </span>I think I have been here before, at least seen it in passing, but now I am ready to cross.<span> </span>It took a while for me to be ready, and even now I am not ready.<span> </span>But I have surrendered everything to Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">What else can I do but follow.<span> </span>For I know that is the best.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, now I have crossed my Jordan River, and I have set my feet for the first time in my Promised Land.<span> </span>I don’t know all the length and breadth of it.<span> </span>I don’t know everything it contains.<span> </span>I don’t know what my “Jericho” will be, or what God will have me do, while He knocks those walls down.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">But I have faith in my God.<span> </span>I know that He will do it.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I believe Him.<span> </span>Because I know Him.<span> Because He has made Himself known to me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He has shown me Himself, His glory, and called me His own.<span> </span>I am His treasured possession, His beloved daughter.<span> </span>A princess of the King of Glory.<span> </span>I get to call Him my Daddy.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I am loved by Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And OH!<span> </span>How I love Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; <br />
you make my lot secure. <br />
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; <br />
surely I have a delightful inheritance. <br />
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; <br />
even at night my heart instructs me.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Psalm 16:5-7</div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-14398685720490922292011-03-08T17:34:00.000-06:002011-03-08T17:34:17.791-06:00Another faith-step...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Yesterday I walked into Tricia’s office.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">She asked how things were for me, and realized we hadn’t seen each other for a month, so she wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I explained that the first reason I had canceled my appointment two weeks prior was that I found my schedule out of control and I just couldn’t figure out how to manage things that day, so counseling had to go.<span> </span>She more than understood and applauded my choice of letting go of the things I had to in order to keep things manageable.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Then I shared with her what I had bubbling inside me all day.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I said that this was going to be my last appointment with her.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">She started to smile and asked me why, and so I shared some of the things that have been going on in the past few weeks.<span> </span>The amazing changes God has been making in my life and my heart.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">We took all of my scheduled appointment to talk about what had been going on.<span> </span>We also talked a lot about some other things, some other loose ends that needed to be tied up.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">As our time drew to a close, Tricia prayed for me, and then on her own time, shared some ministry opportunities that God has given her a passion for.<span> </span>She also shared how hard it had been for her to concentrate during our session and how weighted down she had felt, still felt.<span> </span>I told her that I would be praying for her, and she thanked me.<span> </span>She said that she wasn’t “begging” for prayers, but anytime I thought of her, to pray for her, and for the “things that take place here,” indicating the office --- the whole of Charis Counseling.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">It was a wonderful time of fellowship.<span> </span>It was also very good because she was able to give me some advice in a few areas that I needed it still.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I know now it is going to be hard not to see her anymore, yet at the same time, I am ok with that.<span> </span>Yes, I am going to miss her.<span> </span>She has been such a blessing to me.<span> </span>The law required that there be 2 years between our last counseling session and when we can have contact again, outside a counselor/client type of relationship.<span> </span>She told me to call her in two years.<span> </span>So, I look forward to that day.<span> </span>But I am also trying to be realistic in realizing that I may very well have to go back and see her again as her client.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am hoping, with the many issues and roadblocks I have worked through with her, and with all the things that God has done, I won’t need to though.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I know I am going to have to live with depression for now.<span> </span>That isn’t something that I have felt like God said He’d take away.<span> </span>But, controlling it with medication, and taking care of myself makes a big difference in how it affects me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">And, I am ok with that.</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Yeah, it’s not always a fun prospect to look forward to, but I know that medication helps, and for now, I am ok with the fact that I will need to stay on it for a while.<span> </span>For sure, I know that the anti-depressant helps clear my head and make it easier for me to process things and deal with just even the daily stresses.<span> </span>When I haven’t taken it, or not taken it regularly, it has been very hard to concentrate and focus on what I need to.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am happy right now, and fully aware that God brought me to this place, to this decision, and He has got me.<span> </span>I also know that at some point, I will need to grieve not seeing Tricia anymore.<span> </span>It will eventually sink in, but that’s ok too.<span> </span>It’s a loss of a friendship for a time, really.<span> </span>But there is an end goal in sight.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Between now and then, God has got a lot for me to do.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">He has a lot to teach me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">He has a lot for me to learn and then teach to others.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">As a short aside, last night was one of those nights where He used something I had learned but He had revisited with me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Marina has been sick for nearly the past month.<span> </span>She has been coming out of her room 2 or more times a night claiming to be having bad dreams and being scared in her room.<span> </span>Saturday night though pushed me over the edge.<span> </span>She was up 5 times coming into our room.<span> </span>As I am closest to the door, she kept coming to me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I first fell asleep at midnight.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Marina came in at:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">1am</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">3am</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">3:30am</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">4:30am</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">5:30am</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">To say the least, the last time she came in, I was less than thrilled.<span> </span>Dave mumbled in his sleep not to be too harsh with her and then started snoring again (we laugh about it now, but I could have killed him then!!!!)</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Sunday night, she stayed at the farm so I could sleep.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Last night, God reminded me that sometimes reading the Bible before bed was the best thing I could do for myself.<span> </span>So, though it got the kids to bed a bit later, I spent some time reading to her and Peter.<span> </span>First the book of John, then Joshua (where God tells him not to be afraid, that He would be with him wherever he went), and finally I ended back up in the Psalms.<span> </span>Psalm 139.<span> </span>I read it out of the New International Readers Version, because it helped explain it to her a little better.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">The more I read, the more she settled down.<span> </span>When I reminded her that she had asked Jesus into her heart, she cried, “Yes I did, but He didn’t stay there!”<span> </span>Well, I can relate to that feeling.<span> </span>Can’t you?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Eventually she laid out on the bed, her chin in her hands, soaking up what I was reading.<span> </span>Before, she had been clinging to me, shaking at the idea of going to bed.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">When I eventually prayed with the kids, I prayed through the very scriptures that I had read to them.<span> </span>Then I gave Marina a warning.<span> </span>I told her that if she came out in the night, she had one time for me to tuck her back in.<span> </span>Otherwise she was going to have to tuck herself back in.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Two minutes after leaving the room, she was back outside saying she was scared.<span> </span>I told her that it would be easier to tuck herself back in then when it was still light in the living room, but she wanted me to tuck her back in.<span> </span>So I did, and reminded her that was it.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">This morning, I woke up and realized that she hadn’t gotten me up once in the night.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I think it was a combination of me coming down a bit harder and letting her know she wasn’t getting away with coming out of her room all the time anymore, and very intentionally reading the Bible with her before bed.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">There is <u><i><b>power</b></i></u> in the spoken Word.<span> </span>That is what God has been teaching me.<span> </span>There is power there that many times we don’t tap into.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Last night, God gave me the opportunity to tap into it, and to also teach it by example to my kids.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Another step in the right direction.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Another learning experience.</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am crossing the Jordan River into my promised land.<span> </span>I don’t know what to expect.<span> </span>I don’t know what giants I will have to face, but I know it is a better land than the one I have come out of.<span> </span>I don’t want to return there, to my Egypt.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Praise God for another faith-step, following after Him!<span></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">On the road… walking with Jesus… </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">...that takes one faith-step after another.</div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-74852762780916942292011-02-27T21:54:00.000-06:002011-02-27T21:54:51.095-06:00overwhelmed by JOY...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--> <m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent><!--[endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal">As we worshipped this morning, I was overwhelmed.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was up front, helping lead, with 3 other singers.<span> </span>We led out with a fairly upbeat set of three songs to start the service.<span> </span>The last one that we sang was called “Stronger.”<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal">The chorus:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>You are stronger, You are stronger</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Sin is broken, You have saved me.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>It is written “Christ is Risen”</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Jesus, You are Lord of all.</b></i></div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It just hit me all over again what God has done for me in the past 3-4 weeks or so.<span> </span>I mean, the healing, the bringing me to different points of surrender, the hope.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yes, my friend Cindy can tell me, “I told you so,” now.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">She kept telling me that there was hope.<span> </span>She kept on telling me that I would make it through.<span> </span>That I would heal.<span> </span>That God had something more for me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span></span>I don’t know the depth of that which God has done yet.<span> </span>But it is more than a mere surface fix.<span> </span>For I am more healed, have more hope, feel more freedom than ever before.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal">God has broken the power of sin and death.<span> </span> </div><div class="MsoNormal">He has redeemed me and I am His.<span> </span> </div><div class="MsoNormal">Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span>I am more than a conqueror through Him who loved me.</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">These truths resonated in me over and over this morning through our first set of worship. We came back around to the chorus (above) and as we got to it, I couldn’t stand still. It was all I could do to keep from dancing up there.<span> </span>I had a hard time singing cause I couldn’t tell if I was going to cry or laugh or do some combination of both.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I am undone.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I am overwhelmed.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Overwhelmed by JOY!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Please enjoy this video of the worship song, “Stronger.”<span> </span>It’s worth the time… and wonderful to worship along with.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/sv55FMjeMV0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-46564980439995976762011-02-25T21:21:00.003-06:002011-02-25T22:15:39.135-06:00A new place...<m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent> </m:defjc></m:rmargin></m:lmargin></m:dispdef></m:smallfrac><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>A new place.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">That’s where I am now. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In a new place. I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://hkudlaontheroad.blogspot.com/2011/02/by-faith.html"><u><i><b>Two weeks ago</b></i></u></a>, God took me to a new place in my believing Him. He prompted me to surrender to Him completely. I made the decision to <a href="http://hkudlaontheroad.blogspot.com/2011/02/by-faith.html"><u><i><b>walk by faith</b></i></u></a> no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future. I was going to trust Him with everything.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me. To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "<i><b>just enough</b></i> to fill the need." However, with God I always think of it meaning, "<b><i>more than enough</i></b> to fill the need." Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table. That kind of sufficiency.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"> As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray. All I could do was cry. As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing). I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the <i><b>idea </b></i>of pulling out any clothes to change into. As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head. I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>All of You is more than enough for all of me</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>For every thirst and every need</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>You satisfy me with Your love</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>And all I have in You is more than enough.</b></i></div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I couldn't get it out of my head. A day or so later, I was discharged. Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week? Yup. You guessed it...</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>So, now back full circle.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Enough.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Sufficient.</b></i></div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life. I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry. I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me. I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians%2012:8-10&version=NIV1984">2 Cor. 12:8-10</a>)</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions. I had to. I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me. But I could hardly stand it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me. He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace. He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I know He will always be working to free me and restore me. Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression. Free from needing to take medications. I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds. He has for others. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But then I realized.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders. (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago. He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Surrender more.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Trust more.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>With a faith deeper than before.</b></i></div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So I said it.</div><div class="MsoNormal">He used depression to get me here.</div><div class="MsoNormal">So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him. Obeyed Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I prayed.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Ok, Lord. I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now what?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs. Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used. Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand. Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all. Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Newly healed legs. Strengthened ankles. Feet solidly placed on the Rock.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him. Resting. Looking. Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Just waiting. </div><div class="MsoNormal">And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Being a wife and mother.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Doing my administrative job.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Assisting on the Communications Team.</b></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Leading worship on a Worship Team.</b></i></div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And, learning to <u><i><b>really listen</b></i></u> for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is truly a new place for me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And I am overwhelmed….</div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-90387108146926548612011-02-19T00:20:00.003-06:002011-02-19T00:41:22.898-06:00By Faith....Today was a good day.<br />
<m:smallfrac m:val="off"><m:dispdef><m:lmargin m:val="0"><m:rmargin m:val="0"><m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"><m:wrapindent m:val="1440"><m:intlim m:val="subSup"><m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent> </m:defjc></m:rmargin></m:lmargin></m:dispdef></m:smallfrac><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I sat at the coffee shop after dropping off the kids at their respective schools. I relaxed with my hazelnut breve and settled in. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">It was the first day all week that I didn’t have to rush anywhere. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I took the time I needed to refill... to be recharged.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">The last week I have felt God carrying me. I can’t describe the peace. I don’t know if it’s possible to even come up with the right words.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Last week I described how I felt <a href="http://hkudlaontheroad.blogspot.com/2011/02/push-and-pull.html">pushed and pulled</a> between what I knew God was wanting me to do, and what I felt He was calling me to, and what my self, my flesh was wanting to do. I was willfully choosing not to listen to Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">After working on my bible study some a night or so after I wrote <a href="http://hkudlaontheroad.blogspot.com/2011/02/push-and-pull.html">that post</a>, I came across something about God wanting us to start believing Him. It was the time now, and we shouldn’t wait till tomorrow.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">However, at that point as I read it, Dave was rolling over to turn out the light, so I had to wait. I just said in my heart to God that I wasn’t putting Him off again, but logistically I needed sleep, and my husband was turning out the light.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">In the morning, I headed to the coffee shop before I went up to the church to lead our morning ladies bible study. There I sat, with my bible and bible study open, and my journal out. I wrote to God about where I was at, what I was feeling and my hesitations. I thought about my counseling session earlier in the week and how Tricia had been working with me, trying to help me really know and believe that even though this “thing” happened in my past, that I was still valuable, worth saving and pure. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">The more I prayed through it, I could see how God had paved the way through my study that week on my value in God’s eyes, and that He wanted me to believe that I am who He says I am. God is so good how He orchestrates things. There is no way that this (and other things He has done) are coincidences.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I finally surrendered last Thursday morning. I sat in a secluded corner of the coffee shop, cried and wrote and told God that I was going to choose to believe Him. Right then and there. No matter what He called me to. No matter what it looked like. No matter what I had to leave behind.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">In Hebrews 11:8 it says, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I feel like God has been calling me to my promised land. Though I do not know where I am going, I am packing up my things, getting rid of what I don’t need to weigh me down in the journey, and I am obeying. I am going. I don’t know where. I don’t know what for. I don’t know how. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">But I do know Who I am going with. I also know that He is going to reveal more and more of Himself to me. The more I know about Him, the more I will realize that God is that, and so much more. I will never learn all there is to know about God. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am ok with that. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I just know that since I have chosen to believe Him… every day this week… I have felt a peace that I haven’t in a long time. I have felt a joy – not always that I’m happy – but a deeper internal “something” I can’t really describe. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Maybe it’s a knowing I’m not alone.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Maybe it’s the feeling that I’m finally making the right choices to believe Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Maybe it’s that I’m finally obeying Him.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Maybe it’s that I’m not running away any more.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Maybe it’s that I’m not holding onto my past.</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am finally choosing to believe that I am fully forgiven for every past sin – completely and absolutely forgiven. To the point that it is wiped out, demolished, destroyed.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am finally choosing to believe daily that I have God’s child, He has a glorious inheritance for me, His incomparably great power is at work within me, He protects me under the shadow of His wing, and His love for me is far bigger, deeper, higher, and wider than I could ever imagine.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">For me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Me!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">He knows me inside and out.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">So do I.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">He knows me better than I do, even the motives behind things I do, that I don’t even realize are there.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">But He holds me tight, even when I let go of Him, he never lets go of me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I know this because I have seen it.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I know this because for a while here I have let go of Him. Now I am choosing to grab back onto His hand (at least with a more conscious effort than in the past months) and believe Him for every promise He has given me. Promises He has given to all of us. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">In love, we are blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, secure, called, confident, free, anointed, able… </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">That is who God says we are… but there are even more things that are promises to us, just one of them being that He will never leave us or forsake us. (Yes, even when it feels like He has, He is still there)</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Personally, I have the sense that I am being called out to my promised land here on this earth. I have a heavenly promised land, but I believe that God has a “promised land” here on earth that He wants to give me. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">All He is doing is asking me to believe Him. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Asking me to follow where He leads. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Asking me to take the time and really listen,</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Really watch to see where He is moving, </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Where He is calling me to.</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">It’s not going to be in ways I expect maybe, but it is going to be great! Because our God is a great God!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am excited. Scared. Anticipating what He will do in my life. Afraid. Anxious.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Yet at the same time I feel this very secure sense of peace. Yes, some things have come along this week to try to throw things into that peace. There have been times when I have succumbed to the pressure, but each time, God has turned my eyes, heart, thoughts back to Him and the peace has invaded my soul again.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I feel like He is asking me to just stay close to Him, resting in His embrace. I feel like I am truly covered with His feathers and finding refuge under His wings. (see <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2091&version=NKJV">Psalm 91</a>) I am just standing next to Him, waiting as He points to something and says, “Try that, there. See how this stretches you? This is where I want you to go.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">One new little assignment He gave me that started this week. I don’t see the big picture. I’m not supposed to. He does though. I am choosing to trust. Choosing to take the time to see what He sees and to listen like He wants me to.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am choosing to actively believe Him. Walking in faith. Walking, not just believing IN God, but BELIEVING Him. Believing Him leads to hope... </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">I want God to later say of me, “<b><u>By faith</u></b> Heather….”<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/"><img alt="" src="http://i242.photobucket.com/albums/ff162/annvoskamp/subalbumone/walkwithhimwednesdays2-1.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
Though this post is a bit late for the Walk with Him Wednesdays, I couldn't help but join in on this discussion this week, because I saw how God was working through time in my life - and asking me to take the time with Him I needed.<br />
<br />
Please hop over to <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/">A Holy Experience</a> and meet <a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/">Ann</a>. You are in for a treat.</div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-31345900369067329002011-02-08T17:08:00.001-06:002011-02-08T17:10:42.650-06:00The push and pull...<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">This tendency I have to just resist God isn’t just resisting him. Resisting Him the way I am is a sin… it’s out and out disobedience. Not doing what God wants us to do {disobedience} is a sin. I can’t get around it any other way.<br />
<br />
I know what God wants me to do. I want to do it, and find ultimate healing in the process. At the same time there is this part of me that is digging in and hunkering down. There is this push and pull inside me between what I want to do and what I should do. What I know is right, and what I willfully want to do. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">What I am really doing is hardening my heart against God.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Good grief! </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I mean look at what God did to the Israelites! Even though we are under the new covenant now, can I possibly think that God might let me get away with outright hardening of my heart against what He is wanting me to do?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">It’s not like He’s wanting me to do anything that is some huge feat. He wants me to take care of myself so that I can heal.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Simple. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Straight forward.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Self-Care.</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">If I don’t take care of myself, my mind and my emotions and my spirit are not going to be able to heal the way they need to.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><u><b>Eating</b></u>. Yes, I am having problems with food. It started with really being sick every time I tried to eat because I was so emotionally upset by some things that started flooding in. I got to the point in the past month where really I have been eating one small meal a day, cause that’s all I have been able to force myself to do. Now I am finding that I don’t want to eat. I get hungry, but feel better when my stomach is empty than when I eat. I mean I eat when I have to, but when I do, my stomach still feels sort of upset, and doesn’t take very kindly to it. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I did talk to my counselor about, so she knows. Tricia said to me that for a while you can control the food, but soon it takes over and you find that it’s controlling you. I know I have to be careful here with this. I don’t want to get even more unhealthy and go backwards rather than forward. But at the same time, I am still struggling with the letting go that I need to do.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><u><b>My meds</b></u>. Yes, I am still struggling with this too. I have been fiddling with my anti-depressant, exactly what I tell others not to do. Yet I take it one day, and skip a day or two, then take it another day or so, and skip another day or so… and on it goes. Again, not the way I should be taking care of myself, not the way I would want my friends to take care of themselves.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Those are the main two areas that I am struggling with. I talked about both of them with Tricia yesterday. She asked me, focusing in more on the medication at the moment, why I wasn’t taking it. It took me a long time to answer her, but finally I came up with a couple of things.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">The first was that it was something I could control. Like I am saying to God, “Ok, you can have there and there, but I am going to control this here and this one over here.” Then I perceive that I have some control somewhere in my life, when other things seem so out of control. That perception of control makes the swirling of the storms that come around me from time to time, seem less scary and out of control.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">The other was that I feel like I don’t really deserve to take the medications that will make me feel better, almost as a punishment for the things that happened in the past. I don’t deserve to eat because I did such things, and allowed such things, and I am worthless, not worth saving, and helpless, and the only thing there is despair and on and on and on the lies go. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">See, I even know they are lies. </div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I am leading the Bible Study, “Believing God” and I still am struggling with believing, actively believing God that I am who He says I am, that He can do what He says He can do, including heal me from my past and present, protect me in the future, forgive and redeem me.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">But how much of my struggle is just simple rebellion, plain and simple hardening of my heart against the truth of God?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">How much do I have to go through before I finally give in?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I have moments (like on Sunday) where I let down the walls. Moments where I let God control. Moments where I feel the freedom of that release and submission.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">But they don’t last long, and I find myself wrapped back up in the same old thought patterns. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">Even when I am trying to fill my mind with the truth, even when I am getting support and prayers and encouragement from others, going to counseling, working through a Bible study to keep me closer to Him, there is this stubborn core of me that feels like a little kid. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">You know that kid.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">The one who closes her eyes, plugs her ears, and yells “La, la, la, I can’t hear you….”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">That’s what I feel like is part of me inside. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I don’t know to reach out to that little girl and pull her hands away from her ears and hold her and hug her and let her know that God isn’t going to hurt her. That He just wants to love her and lead her into her Promised Land. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">To get to my Promised Land, I need to stop looking back and look ahead to the future land that is coming to me. Yes, it may seem to be filled with giants and scary and too big and too much. However, God is with me. He is walking with me. I have to keep on stepping out in faith and purpose to follow Him no matter what.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">I’m not sure that I’m willing. Willing to let go. Willing to face the surrender, the lack of control.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">It means freedom. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">That freedom means open armed, open handed surrender and submission to God. I need to throw open my arms and stop protecting my heart and putting up walls between me and my God.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><i>Oh God, break this hard heart of mine. Make me willing to be willing. Change my heart, renew my mind. Break through this hard shell I have built up and help me to move forward again, and not go backwards any more. Because you know, even as I pray this that part of me is still trying to plan how to hang on to what I want to hang on to. My will, my desires, my ideas are what need to get torn down, because they are becoming such idols in my life that I find myself only serving you half-heartedly. Bits and pieces. Here and there. Once in a while, as I listen to you and decide to do what you want in that instance. I don’t want to live like that any more. I hate the push and pull in my heart. I hate the tug of war that I am feeling between doing what you want and doing what I want. I hate knowing what I should do, and the exhaustion of try to fight myself, fight through the junk to do it. What is holding me back, God? What is keeping me from progressing and healing as fast as I did last time, as Tricia noted? What is stopping me from working as hard as I used to, to get healed? Because You know I can’t keep on going this way much longer. You know that I finally agreed to have Tricia hold me accountable to taking my medications. You know that I finally agreed to eat two meals a day, even if they are small and that Cindy is going to hold me accountable to that. You know that I want to take the right steps. But you know that I don’t at the same time. There is such opposition and fear, that I know isn’t from You. God, You know what I need better than I do myself. Help me to let go and let You and find the incredible paradox of freedom in submission to Your authority.</i></div>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-53767137950940850642011-02-06T22:59:00.000-06:002011-02-06T22:59:48.327-06:00Living for Him = obedienceIt has been a long week or so, fighting off a sinus infection.<br />
<br />
I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic. I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.<br />
<br />
This morning I had to lead worship.<br />
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted. <br />
<br />
Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well. At least everyone else probably thought so. However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears. I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal. I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.<br />
<br />
I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up. It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it. None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm. Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.<br />
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I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.<br />
<br />
This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal. When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer. So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.<br />
<br />
We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.<br />
<br />
When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song. THE song. The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal. I felt like He was asking me to really think about them. <br />
<blockquote><br />
"We bow our hearts,<br />
We bend our knees<br />
Oh Spirit, come make us humble."</blockquote><br />
And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.<br />
<br />
As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit. God really used that time of the sermon to get to me. To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.<br />
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I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.<br />
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So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak. I really didn't know what to say. I'm still not sure what all I did say.<br />
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When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song. I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.<br />
<br />
I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him. We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.<br />
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My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember. But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.<br />
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It took all I had to keep from crying. I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up. I coudn't tell God no - well I could have. I could have not said a word. I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it. <br />
<br />
But God wanted more.<br />
<br />
I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area. That was something Pastor Kim said today.<br />
<br />
<blockquote>He said, "God cannot work through disobedient servants."</blockquote><br />
It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it. I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it. <br />
<br />
I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it. There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in. But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him? I am living <u><b>for</b></u> myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully. Not totally sold out. Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't know what is going to come of it. If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life. But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.<br />
<br />
I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day. When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day. I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.<br />
<br />
There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog! And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!<br />
<br />
But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.<br />
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Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment. It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.<br />
<br />
God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out. The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading. But I know that God did something, and is continuing to. I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/onGbkeWkA64" title="YouTube video player" width="480"></iframe>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-16747901545739904622011-01-30T20:59:00.001-06:002011-01-30T21:04:34.136-06:00God's fingerprints...It has been such a long weekend. Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well. People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening. <br />
<br />
We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD. We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.<br />
<br />
When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though. I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights. When I woke, I felt much worse. But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.<br />
<br />
So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning. When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving. I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting. After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.<br />
<br />
After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in. I was right. I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection. So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.<br />
<br />
But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.<br />
<br />
Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.<br />
<br />
Something big happened this morning though. As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head. I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers. But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her. I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things. I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.<br />
<br />
I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship. After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time. When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for. She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.<br />
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We immediately spent time praying for her. I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.<br />
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Praise God she is all right. A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck. All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there. She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.<br />
<br />
I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion. She is the single mom of a young man. I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened. One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.<br />
<br />
God orchestrated when I would be praying. He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved. He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did. God also orchestrated our church body to help her. One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it. One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night. Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.<br />
<br />
God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says. I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-38323275313037143132011-01-22T21:33:00.002-06:002011-01-22T21:35:56.619-06:00Laying lowYesterday and today I have been doing my best to lay low.<br />
<br />
You see, I got the creeping crud that has been taking everyone else out. And, when mommy's sick, daddy's working, kids are in school, it's one thing - I was able to get some rest on Thursday, but yesterday and today, everyone has pretty much been home, and I have been "on call," as it were.<br />
<br />
There is also another complication. Our church administrator (me) asked our resident computer/slide show guru (my husband) to put together a "Year in Review" slide show - utilizing pictures taken through the whole year of 2010 that she had collected. Running a bit (ok, a little more than a bit) behind schedule, she handed him over 18 GB worth of photos and videos.<br />
<br />
Oh, not only that many photos and videos, but also a digital video camera with footage from a baptism we held in August. With the video still on the tape, not in the computer.<br />
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My guru is currently working on figuring out how to pull the video off the tape/camera and put it on his computer. He's arguing with the camera, till he found a output connection he needed, now he's mumbling and arguing with the computer and software issues trying to get this off.<br />
<br />
He wouldn't be working on this so hard if the administrator (me) had remember to bring our still camera to the baptism to get photos of all 8 or 9 that were baptized at the same time. This was one of the first times in a long time we did a baptism, especially in the summer, inside our church. But we put it right in the service because these folks, their testimonies are so powerful, we really wanted their stories and their baptisms to be the sermon. It was a powerful service, and extremely moving for our church body to see first hand God working in these folks lives. And what a celebration we had!<br />
<br />
So, all that to say, we really want bits of this video imbedded in the slide show.<br />
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The complication is added to when it was realized that my dear, sweet husband works next weekend, and the slide show needs to be ready to go for me on Saturday morning. He has this weekend to put it together. And a few evenings and a day or so this coming week.<br />
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Needless to say, I have had to be up and "with it" to keep the kids occupied. I had no idea what to do today, but Angela's family was staying at a hotel in town, with a pool, and invited me and the kids to come play with them. So, off we went. I was exhausted before I even got up this morning, so getting them there was a challenge, but once they were there, and acclimated to the water, I could settle in, and finally was able to relax in the hot tub for a bit. Literally for two kids who can't swim, they got used to that pool fast and had a blast.<br />
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That took care of the middle of the day... they got home and crashed out on the couch and played quietly. I was able to flop on the bed for a bit while daddy took care of supper, as he was at a pause in his work. Then I crashed with them on the couch, watched a bit of tv and helped get them into bed.<br />
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I am heading to bed soon, cause I am still feeling cruddy (not as bad as this morning, but if it takes me this long to get going tomorrow, I'm gonna be in trouble getting us out of the door to church!).<br />
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In the process of laying low, I have been reading and writing in my journal, but not many of my thoughts are clear, so I haven't wanted to share a lot here. I have been so emotional through last week, and last weekend, that now it feels like everything has numbed out. I know that may not necessarily be true, it may be the cold working against that, and God helping me get through a couple of very busy, tough weeks.... weeks that can't be easily navigated with emotions ranging all over.<br />
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That being said, I talked with a friend on Wednesday. We chatted for a while, and it helped me, though it was a bit painful, to realize that I have been pulling in on myself the blame and shame for several different things that have happened in the past. I have been taking on the other person's responsibilities. Not just in recent days, but I am realizing it is applying more and more to the relationship I am working through with Tricia.<br />
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I spent some time after our conversation in the sanctuary, in tears. I just have been so tired. With little sleep, and little food.... well, that doesn't help the emotions, much less the body in fighting off a cold.<br />
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So, though I have done little writing here recently, God is working in me and on me. He's writing on my heart some of the things that I need to remember. There are just too many to put to word here. I am still trying to figure out what they all are. Then I need to somehow get myself off the old paths, old grooves in my thoughts and get into new ones... make new paths based on the Truth, not the lies of the past.<br />
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Laying low is what I am doing. Keeping my head down and trying to get through what I have to. At the same time, God is still working on me... sometimes that's the best time for Him to get close enough for me to hear His whispers... when I'm laying low and have cut out the "fluff" of life that overtakes me so many times. When I get down to bare bones living, doing the bare minimum, those are the times when I am ready to listen. Just praying I remember what I have heard during this time.<br />
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Now, as I am nearly dozing as I try to write any more - I am off to try to get some better sleep than I did last night.<br />
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(Oh, and as of yet, my guru husband can't get the video off this camera. First the software he was downloading wasn't compatible with Windows 7, so he moved to a Windows XP machine. As of now, he has said that unless something happens, there is no way for him to pull off the video. He doesn't have the drivers and software needed for the video camera, and its so old, Sony doesn't even have the drivers on line. Unless the owners of the camera happen to have their software disks for their camera, and are actually able to find time.... no pictures or videos of the baptism.... my husband is very disgusted at the moment....)Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1156046975633327551.post-15179105016484735652011-01-16T00:10:00.000-06:002011-01-16T00:10:07.076-06:00Themes coming back....I remember writing back <a href="http://hkudlaontheroad.blogspot.com/2010/12/faith-and-hope-theme-for-new-year.html">several posts ago</a> how I felt that God was giving me the theme of <a href="http://hkudlaontheroad.blogspot.com/2010/12/faith-and-hope-theme-for-new-year.html">faith and hope</a>.<br />
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Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God. All about having a forward moving, active faith.<br />
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At the same time, I signed on to do the <a href="http://blog.lproof.org/2010/12/siesta-scripture-memory-instructions.html">1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team</a>. On <a href="http://blog.lproof.org/">Beth Moore's blog</a>, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.<br />
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I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. All about faith.<br />
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Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.<br />
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Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day. I had a 90 minute session with Tricia. We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college. It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again. Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done. Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.<br />
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I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little. I also have been sleeping very little. So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe. And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step. It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you." I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.<br />
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As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home. I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap. I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide. She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep. So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom. I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.<br />
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I slept. I actually slept. I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy. She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped. She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.<br />
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Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop. I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go). I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while. She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.<br />
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But I had a rough afternoon. Just got side-swiped by some things. I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them. I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty. My poor husband had no idea what to do with me. That's ok, neither did I.<br />
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That brings me back to this morning. I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study. I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday. Before I started though, I talked to God about my week. I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any. I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22). When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.<br />
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Get this one:<br />
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<blockquote style="color: orange;"><b>"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."</b></blockquote><blockquote>Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation</blockquote><br />
I mean, really? There is a God thing for sure. He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him. I saw answered prayer. That in itself is a shot of hope.<br />
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I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have. I need to see God's promises to me. I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy. I don't say that lightly. I need the hope or I sink into despair. But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope. This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward. I don't know how. It's only God.<br />
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I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals. That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly. I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure. I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.<br />
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I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not. I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process. I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there. But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going. Things that are reminders. Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration. (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)<br />
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My anxiety level is high.<br />
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.<br />
My fear of the unknown is high.</blockquote><br />
In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!<br />
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<i>Oh Lord, help me. I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!! Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak. Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.</i>Heather - On the Road...http://www.blogger.com/profile/07683927194494117493noreply@blogger.com3