believing and praying

"I've anchored my life in the belief that God can do anything, but somehow feel presumptuous believing He will for me.  That's doubt masquerading as false humility. And that, my friends, saddens God and limits His work in my life."  Glynnis Whitwer in her devotional at Encouragement for Today.

How much of the time do I pray, even now, feeling presumptuous because I know God can do anything, but will He?  Will he for me?


I fear praying bold prayers, giving voice to the silent dreams inside, afraid they are not what God wants for me.  That allows fear and doubt to rule me, to dominate my life, to dictate what I am going to do and say.  Instead, in faith, I need to step out and believe.  Pray, daring to believe that God will answer my prayers.  If they aren't in line with His will, He will make them line up.  He will say no.  He will redirect me.


I don't want my prayer life to take a back seat to "life" as I live it.  The "life" I live as I run from one thing to another, exhausted.  Not taking care of myself by getting enough sleep, or eating correctly, gets me tired and crabby, which then overflows into how I care for the kids and interact with my husband.  


Is that really Life?  No, not the way God intends us to live it, and not the way Christ modeled it.


Jesus made prayer His priority.  When He was tired of the crowd and needed refreshing, He went to be with His Father, He rested, He ate.  I need to do all those same things.


I need to start my day at nightfall, getting good rest and continue my day, following that rest by time with Jesus.  Time in prayer.  Time in His word, refreshing my spirit the way my body was refreshed by sleep.  Then the rest of my day should continue in productivity with whatever God has laid out before me.


I need to restructure my days and nights so that I get into a different rhythm.  I need it.  My spirit needs it.  I spent the weekend without any one on one time with God, and I could feel it yesterday.  Thursday, I spent some good time with Him in the morning, but Friday, Saturday, Sunday and even mostly yesterday, I didn't concentrate on time with Him.


I now am running on an empty fuel tank... on fumes.  My new day, starting with my nightfall will be spent at work, in a meeting and locking up after another meeting is done.  I won't get to really rest till well after nightfall tonight (or should I say tomorrow? See, my brain can't wrap itself around this one!)


I long to be closer to Jesus.  I want to pray in His will.  Yes, I am still afraid to pray the wrong things.  The only way I will know how to pray His will is to take care of myself, as God's temple, and to restructure my busy schedule so that I can have the room to take time out and away to spend time with Him.


Yes, God can do what He says He can do.  And He is willing to do it in my life, and in yours.  It isn't presumptuous, its called stepping out in faith without trusting in my own strength to do something "just in case" God doesn't come through the way I think He should.


I never knew it would be such a struggle to really believe God.  It sounds so easy, but it is a daily decision, a moment by moment decision sometimes.  Prayer, effective and powerful prayer is found in someone who really truly believes God, has faith and is willing to step out over the edge of a cliff without seeing anything that will keep them from falling.  


That unwavering faith is what fuels someone to ask the seeming impossible, because with God all things are possible.... for those who believe in Him.

A new place...

A new place.

That’s where I am now. 

In a new place.  I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him.  He prompted me to surrender to Him completely.  I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future.  I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. 

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me.  To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need."  However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need."  Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table.  That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

 As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray.  All I could do was cry.  As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. 

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing).  I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into.  As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head.  I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head.  A day or so later, I was discharged.  Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week?  Yup.  You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.

Enough.

Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life.  I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry.  I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me.  I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions.  I had to.  I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me.  But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me.   He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace.  He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me.  Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. 

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression.  Free from needing to take medications.  I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. 

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds.  He has for others. 

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders.  (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago.  He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.

Trust more.

With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him.  Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord.  I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs.  Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used.  Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand.  Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all.  Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs.  Strengthened ankles.  Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him.  Resting.  Looking.  Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting. 

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. 

Being a wife and mother.

Doing my administrative job.

Assisting on the Communications Team.

Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

The push and pull...

This tendency I have to just resist God isn’t just resisting him.  Resisting Him the way I am is a sin… it’s out and out disobedience.  Not doing what God wants us to do {disobedience} is a sin.  I can’t get around it any other way.

I know what God wants me to do.  I want to do it, and find ultimate healing in the process.  At the same time there is this part of me that is digging in and hunkering down.  There is this push and pull inside me between what I want to do and what I should do.  What I know is right, and what I willfully want to do.

What I am really doing is hardening my heart against God.

Good grief! 

I mean look at what God did to the Israelites!  Even though we are under the new covenant now, can I possibly think that God might let me get away with outright hardening of my heart against what He is wanting me to do?

It’s not like He’s wanting me to do anything that is some huge feat.  He wants me to take care of myself so that I can heal.

Simple.

Straight forward.

Self-Care.

If I don’t take care of myself, my mind and my emotions and my spirit are not going to be able to heal the way they need to.

Eating.  Yes, I am having problems with food.  It started with really being sick every time I tried to eat because I was so emotionally upset by some things that started flooding in.  I got to the point in the past month where really I have been eating one small meal a day, cause that’s all I have been able to force myself to do.  Now I am finding that I don’t want to eat.  I get hungry, but feel better when my stomach is empty than when I eat.  I mean I eat when I have to, but when I do, my stomach still feels sort of upset, and doesn’t take very kindly to it.

I did talk to my counselor about, so she knows.  Tricia said to me that for a while you can control the food, but soon it takes over and you find that it’s controlling you.  I know I have to be careful here with this.  I don’t want to get even more unhealthy and go backwards rather than forward.  But at the same time, I am still struggling with the letting go that I need to do.

My meds.  Yes, I am still struggling with this too.  I have been fiddling with my anti-depressant, exactly what I tell others not to do.  Yet I take it one day, and skip a day or two, then take it another day or so, and skip another day or so… and on it goes.  Again, not the way I should be taking care of myself, not the way I would want my friends to take care of themselves.

Those are the main two areas that I am struggling with.  I talked about both of them with Tricia yesterday.  She asked me, focusing in more on the medication at the moment, why I wasn’t taking it.  It took me a long time to answer her, but finally I came up with a couple of things.

The first was that it was something I could control.  Like I am saying to God, “Ok, you can have there and there, but I am going to control this here and this one over here.”  Then I perceive that I have some control somewhere in my life, when other things seem so out of control.  That perception of control makes the swirling of the storms that come around me from time to time, seem less scary and out of control.

The other was that I feel like I don’t really deserve to take the medications that will make me feel better, almost as a punishment for the things that happened in the past.  I don’t deserve to eat because I did such things, and allowed such things, and I am worthless, not worth saving, and helpless, and the only thing there is despair and on and on and on the lies go. 

See, I even know they are lies. 

I am leading the Bible Study, “Believing God” and I still am struggling with believing, actively believing God that I am who He says I am, that He can do what He says He can do, including heal me from my past and present, protect me in the future, forgive and redeem me.

But how much of my struggle is just simple rebellion, plain and simple hardening of my heart against the truth of God?

How much do I have to go through before I finally give in?

I have moments (like on Sunday) where I let down the walls.  Moments where I let God control.  Moments where I feel the freedom of that release and submission.

But they don’t last long, and I find myself wrapped back up in the same old thought patterns.

Even when I am trying to fill my mind with the truth, even when I am getting support and prayers and encouragement from others, going to counseling, working through a Bible study to keep me closer to Him, there is this stubborn core of me that feels like a little kid. 

You know that kid.

The one who closes her eyes, plugs her ears, and yells “La, la, la, I can’t hear you….”

That’s what I feel like is part of me inside.

I don’t know to reach out to that little girl and pull her hands away from her ears and hold her and hug her and let her know that God isn’t going to hurt her.  That He just wants to love her and lead her into her Promised Land. 

To get to my Promised Land, I need to stop looking back and look ahead to the future land that is coming to me.  Yes, it may seem to be filled with giants and scary and too big and too much.  However, God is with me.  He is walking with me.  I have to keep on stepping out in faith and purpose to follow Him no matter what.

I’m not sure that I’m willing.  Willing to let go.  Willing to face the surrender, the lack of control.

It means freedom. 

That freedom means open armed, open handed surrender and submission to God.  I need to throw open my arms and stop protecting my heart and putting up walls between me and my God.

Oh God, break this hard heart of mine.  Make me willing to be willing.  Change my heart, renew my mind.  Break through this hard shell I have built up and help me to move forward again, and not go backwards any more.  Because you know, even as I pray this that part of me is still trying to plan how to hang on to what I want to hang on to.  My will, my desires, my ideas are what need to get torn down, because they are becoming such idols in my life that I find myself only serving you half-heartedly.  Bits and pieces.  Here and there.  Once in a while, as I listen to you and decide to do what you want in that instance.  I don’t want to live like that any more.  I hate the push and pull in my heart.  I hate the tug of war that I am feeling between doing what you want and doing what I want.  I hate knowing what I should do, and the exhaustion of try to fight myself, fight through the junk to do it.  What is holding me back, God?  What is keeping me from progressing and healing as fast as I did last time, as Tricia noted?  What is stopping me from working as hard as I used to, to get healed?  Because You know I can’t keep on going this way much longer.  You know that I finally agreed to have Tricia hold me accountable to taking my medications.  You know that I finally agreed to eat two meals a day, even if they are small and that Cindy is going to hold me accountable to that.  You know that I want to take the right steps.  But you know that I don’t at the same time.  There is such opposition and fear, that I know isn’t from You.  God, You know what I need better than I do myself.  Help me to let go and let You and find the incredible paradox of freedom in submission to Your authority.

I need my Papa

I need my Papa.
My Daddy.

My Abba Father.

I didn't realize how much, I guess.

I talked to a friend tonight. A friend that God restored to me. A friendship He restored and renewed for both of us, in His divine timing.

We talked, and the walls I had up during the day just crumbled near the end of our conversation. I could hear God's whisper in her words.

I started to cry. At first I think I was trying to hold it back. Then I couldn't anymore. She started to pray. I sobbed. She prayed that I would be able to climb up in God's lap and feel His arms around me, rocking me and telling me it's going to be ok.

I could just see it. God does that sometimes for me. He helps me visualize something, and it goes so deep....

I could see myself curled up in my Daddy's lap, clinging to Him as He rocked me back and forth in His arms.



Papa.
Papa!!
It hurts! It hurts so much. I don't know what to do with it. I hurt. Deep inside. It scares me. This depression and despair that crushes me down into bed in the morning, daring me to try to climb out of bed, much less take a deep breath.... It dogs my heels during the day, and rushes and jumps on me as I get more and more tired.
I fend it off by trying to stuff how I am feeling, how I am doing. But I know You know.
Daddy, I need to be held. I need You to hold me. I need to feel physical arms to hold me. I need You to strengthen me. My arms are feeble. My legs are weak. I am so weary, a deep, down inside, mind numbing weary. I can't do this anymore. I know You will in me. But sometimes I don't even have the strength of will left to even let You.
I need my Papa!
I need You. I ache for You... I am dry and weary and there is no water. I know that You hold me in Your arms. Papa, help me to cling to You, and You alone!



Oh to be able to literally feel myself rocked in His arms. The arms of my Daddy.

Henry was a father to me in many ways - a stand in for my own father who is 3 hours away from me. I am going to miss him so much. I know I will see Henry again. And maybe time will soften this blow.......

But right now....

I need my Papa.

I'm unplugged... with no outlet in sight

It was wonderful to see Tricia. It was so good to get a hug from her and catch up at least a little bit.

I basically ran down the last 8 months or so for her, just so that she could know some context of the depression, from going off my meds to starting to work, to getting hit this winter, to taking in a friend of ours for a while, to going back on meds, the acceleration of Henry's illness and his death.

She understood, I think, where I am at, and asked me why I wasn't allowing myself to cry. "Why stop yourself from crying?"

I don't know the answer.
I feel like I unplugged a power cord and now can't find the end of it, or the outlet to plug it into.

I find that I keep saying, "I can't."
But why?

The "I can't" will keep me going down that road and become "I shouldn't," or "I never."

Bottling won't help me.

I know that.
IN MY HEAD.

What about in my heart?
Why am I so afraid of feeling?
Why am I holding back?

I am angry with myself that I can't seem to just let go.

Tricia reminded me that it's OK not to cry, to not try to force the tears, but at the same time to not stop the tears either.

She is hoping that I won't need to come back in, that just one appointment with her as an objective outsider will be enough. But we scheduled an appointment out there in two weeks, just in case. If I need it, it's there, but if I don't I can cancel.

She said that she heard me mention that there were some things that I had wished I could tell Henry, that I just never got the opportunity, nor got the guts up to say when I did have the opportunity.

She suggested that I write a letter to him. Address it to him. A "no send" letter. She said that I process by writing, and write so well. (I haven't felt that lately) She said that it might really be helpful for me.

Tricia then saw the look on my face, and quickly said that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to, but that it might help.

I don't know what my face looked like, but ALMOST..... I choked up a bit. I could feel the lump then, like I do now, but then it was gone. I think that might be what she responded to when she said I didn't have to write the letter.

I am praying that at some point, God will find the end of that power cord, the outlet, and plug it back in..... at the right time.

Doctors and decisions - prayer too...

I am going to be seeing my doctor about 2 hours from now.

It's a normal appointment that I have about every 3-4 months now. It's a basic med check appointment to see how I am doing.

How am I doing?

I know I am going to have to answer that question from him.

I'm not even sure that I can answer that here - right now - much less at his office.

I have my good and bad days, just like anyone else.
My ups and downs.

I just feel like I am getting slammed - pounded - as Cindy said to me earlier this afternoon.

I have a day or two where the days seem almost normal. Then the anxiety builds and with it depression. Then I get in a string of days like that.

Days I have no energy.
Days I have no strength.
Days I just want to cry.
Days I don't want to get out of bed.
Days I can't manage to keep my thoughts straight.
Days I struggle to pray.

I still spend time with God, I still read His Word to me. I still journal my prayers and thoughts the best I can. I seek the prayers and counsel of a few close friends. And eventually I get a few hours here or there of relief, and finally maybe a day or two.

Then the cycle starts over.

I have to try to share this with my psychiatrist, and share some of the thoughts I have had from time to time.

I know that there are many stressors going on right now that can be helping in putting me over the edge.

Just seeing a close friend's husband dying of cancer and walking through it all with her would be enough, and there are other things as well!

I know some of you may not get this in time to pray for me during my specific appointment time, but please do pray. I could really use it.

I need wisdom to sort between lies and truth, and the ability to communicate clearly and honestly with my doctor. Depending on what he thinks, this appointment may result in my starting up with anti-depressants again.

I honestly don't know what to think about that. Part of me thinks its not necessary, that I am blowing things out of proportion, and another part of me doesn't.

Thanks so much,
On the road... walking with Jesus,
Heather

Update on Concert Festival

I am going to keep this short, as I have little time, and still other things I want/need to share here - hopefully later today.

The weekend went very well. I was amazed at the peace that surrounded everyone and everything. Though everyone was extremely tired and at their limits, I didn't hear one complaint from anyone as they pushed through their exhaustion and kept serving and ministering and doing their assigned jobs. That includes all the youth!

It was amazing to see people come together to minister, do outreach, to worship and pray together.

I know of for sure 3 people who came to Christ for sure. However there were probably 50-60 people who came forward for the alter call on Friday night.

A rough guess is that about half of them received Christ, though not all talked to someone about their decision.

The other half were people who were hurting, or needing to lay something down, or in a spot where they were desperate in their needs.

They were met too, by our awesome God.

Our numbers were low. Our church is going to have to make up some of the differences. It has been a learning experience for all of us, but it has been oh, so important and impactful for all of us.

Please continue to pray for not only the youth (for encouragement, though their bigger vision didn't pan out as far as numbers of attendees is concerned) and pray for the rest of the church that they would be able to grasp clearly what God did this weekend, and not "grumble" about the end monetary result.

Haiti still gets money from the event.
People still got saved.
Our community was reached out to.

The goals and vision the kids had were met, even if not in as wide a scope as they originally dreamed.

Thank you for praying for us!

On the road... walking with Jesus,
Heather

Special prayers for an outreach concert....

Short update here - I have other stuff to post about, but wanted to share this bit.

Our youth group at our church had been going through a book called "Hard things." Basically it challenged them because it talked about how the world views teens, that they are unable to do much more than go to school and make their beds.... much less have an impact on this world. The writers of the book challenged them to stand above and beyond what society expects of them.

The kids started dreaming about what they could do together as a youth group to impact their world.... when.... Haiti was hit by the earth quake.

After much praying, they felt God was giving them a vision to put together a Christian Music Festival as a benefit for Haiti.

They started doing some leg work, and dreaming of headliner Christian bands they could try to get.

They got a person to help them contact and make contracts with some bands. They picked a date, searched out sponsors in local businesses. They have partnered with Fellowship of Christian Athletes. They have raised funds to pay the bands, shared their vision with the community. They got food vendors coming in to donate some of their proceeds to the Haiti relief fund. They have gotten a comedian to be their MC, got local bands to fill time slots earlier in the day - and prayed like crazy.

Our local outdoor concert venue, Marathon Park is where it will be held.
This weekend.

These kids are ON FIRE for Jesus.

One of their visions was to raise funds for Haiti by selling enough tickets. They are weekend passes to get into the event for both Friday and Saturday. The grandstand and surrounding grassy areas can seat over 9,000 people. They are hoping to break the records for the park. The weather may affect some of this, but God can do anything!!!!

Another vision of theirs was to focus as well on outreach to fellow youth and young adults who don't know Christ. They are very passionate about this, and so purposely sought out a main line band, Seventh Day Slumber to be the final band tonight. They give an amazing alter call during their concert and have said that about 50% of the audience comes forward at most of their concerts. Probably half of those are rededicating their lives to Christ, or surrendering something to God, the other half are turning their lives and hearts over to Jesus for the first time.

Many, if not most of our adults are involved, one way or another.

Those who don't feel they "fit" with the type of music that is going to be at this festival are feeling called to pray for the event. They have a prayer tent set up. There are areas to pray one on one with someone, for people to pray over the country of Haiti, and for prayer counselors to talk through and explain the decision that someone makes to come to Christ.

I am so excited to see what God is going to do here. This is our little youth group of no more than 30 kids. They, along with their parents and other adults have raised multiple of thousands of dollars to even be able to host the event. We are praying that we will more than break even so we can donate money to Haiti...

.. but at the same time, one of the biggest things our senior pastor is praying is this.... So, what if we don't break even? What if our church ends up in debt because of stepping out in faith and supporting our kids? Is it worth it?

Is the possible debt, along with all the stress and hard work everyone has put in really worth it? How do you measure that worth?

What if 100 people come to Christ?
What about 50?
What about 25?

Or even 5?

Is any subsequent debt or exhaustion, or depleted resources worth the destiny of even ONE eternal soul.

I know how I would answer that.

If it cost me $20,000 or more for one lost person - who was destined for hell - to get turned around and have a personal relationship with Christ, to know they have eternal security, to know that they are Christ's forever.... and who knows what they will do in their life time.....

IT. IS. WORTH. EVERY. PENNY.

That's it.
The end.
No question.

I know that is the answer our senior pastor has come down to as well.

Please pray for us. There are supposed to be some storms re-developing this evening. I know the enemy would love to do anything and everything to stop Seventh Day Slumber from going on tonight and giving an alter call.
Pray for those who are there, no matter who they encounter, may they hear about Christ. Pray that people in the neighborhood around the park would hear the music and come on in... to find out what is going on, even if its only because they want to make a donation to Haiti..... but that they would find Christ.
Pray for protection and peace for our kids and adults helping. Pray that the members and attenders of our church who are not there for one reason or another would be praying and covering us in prayer.

Please - we need your prayer. The people coming need your prayers.

May God bless you!
Thank you for praying!

thank you for giving me a platform from which to share this.

If I get the chance tonight when I get home, I will try to update with a short note here to let you know how tonight went. I will be back up there again tomorrow, though not as late to help in any way I can.

Thank you all!
Love you, and I will talk to you all soon!

On the road.... walking with Jesus
Heather

Beauty - worship

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see there.

I mean, really look in the mirror. Not to fix my hair or clothes, but to look at my face, in my eyes and be able to appreciate my outward, physical appearance.

I don't mean this to be vain.

Like I said in my previous post, God loves me, I am His beloved. He didn't create just the inside of me. He created all of me. Inside and out. He knew what nose I would have, that my hair would turn gray early, everything about me - physically.

I guess this difficulty in appreciating my physical appearance has become more pronounced the more I have healed in how I look at myself over all. I mean, I really didn't like myself at all for so long, that it was a huge turn around to really love myself inwardly.

Now that I am loving myself there, how God created me to love and empathize with others... everything, I am seeing the double standard I have been holding myself to.

Liking one part of myself as I see it integrate with all I am doing, and hating the other part of me for how it looks and won't fit into what I want it to, or won't do what I want it to physically.

Some days are better than others. And by better, I mean that some days I am able to ignore the physical beauty or lack there of (perceived by my flawed eyes and standards, I know). Other days, I feel like it is totally staring me in the face and at the forefront of my mind all the time.

Something that I am starting - trying to do consistently - is something that Cindy challenged me to.

Every time I get in the car, and either I am alone, or the kids are quiet in the car, I spend the time worshiping and praising God. Literally. The whole time in the car. Not asking for anything. Not coming with a laundry list.

Worshiping Him.
Praising Him.

Try it for one day. I dare you!

Cindy reminded me that I would have nothing to pour out to anyone else unless I was filled. I also wouldn't have the right focus about my day, my self, my life and my looks, unless I was filled by Jesus. When I worship Him, I focus on Him, connect myself in relationship with Him, and end up getting encompassed by His love.

It's amazing the changes in my heart and mind as I have tried it the past couple of days.

I am not "there" yet, but I can sense a difference, not necessarily in how I view my beauty, but in how I am reacting to the lies I have been believing. Slowly the truth has been sinking in, and in the process, God has been giving me new things to explore and discover in the word.

More on that later.

I do challenge you to try to spend your quiet times, not just praying and requesting things, but to really spend it in praise and worship of God - who He is, what He's done, what He's doing - anything and everything. I can see that is is transforming and life changing... already, after a couple of days.

a phone call and visit

On Saturday, while I was away from the house, I got a phone call from my mom.

When I listened to her message, though she revealed nothing, other than to call her back, I immediately sensed there was something wrong.

I braced myself for bad news about my grandmother, who's been sick for a while now, and called her back.

In my heart I have known that she doesn't have long left in this world. She is 95. She has had a good life, a long one, and I know she is ready to die. She wants to.

My mom told me that when they were going to do a minor procedure for her, they found a tumor in her abdomen, near her esophagus, preventing her from swallowing much of anything.

The reason Mom called me when she did is because she found out from my uncle, Steve (her brother) that the tumor was malignant. The doctor said that she had 3 weeks with IV fluids, one week without.

Steve is working out the details with facilities and coordinators and doing all the research to get her into a hospice facility. She is still in the hospital right now.

I went to Madison to see her yesterday. I met Mom there. I got to see Steve and Connie, as they were leaving and I was walking into the building.

Did I mention that I hate hospitals?
And I married a nurse.
Sigh.

Anyway.

I got to her room and Mom was already there with her. I got to spend some time with the two of them.... probably just shy of 2 hours.

I would say that I had a chance to talk with her, but I didn't really. She did most of the talking and steered the conversation. Mom and I were along for the ride.

It was really hard seeing her in the hospital, because this time, more than any other time recently, I could see that she was different from my Gram that I remember and love. She was more relaxed and comfortable than I have seen her in a while, so that was good. But her personality seemed different to me some.

I don't know how to describe it. I can't put it into words.

My heart is that I want to see her come to Jesus. I want to know that she is a believer, if that is the case. I may never know that, but I got the sense that she isn't and it just breaks my heart. I want to see her in heaven again. I want her to spend eternity with Jesus, in heaven.

My heart is breaking now because, though she isn't clinging to this life, and she says that she wants to go on to something "new" or "different," as she put it, there was an emptiness in those words.

I don't think my family would agree with me, because she was so involved with church all her life. One way or another she was a church choir director, or she did something with church as long as Mom could remember, during her growing up years.

I think my family would be upset if they knew that I am not sure that Gram has Jesus living in her heart, or that I had doubts about whether she will be going to heaven when she dies.

I am taking a risk of their reading this, and getting upset with me, just by posting it, but at the same time....

...well, this blog has been a safe place to pour out my heart before. I am going to risk it again here, and pray that God will bring understanding and unity in Him in all my family.

I am afraid that if they read this, I will sound very judgmental and fundamental to my family.

I love them so very much. I am not judging them, or Gram. I just want them to know, really know, where they are going to be when they die.

Maybe I am fundamental.... in that I believe that God gives everyone a will, and the chance to choose whether they want life with God or life without Him. I believe that God loves everyone of us and wants us all to be with Him, otherwise He wouldn't have sent Jesus to die on the cross to make the way open for us to be with Him.

All we have to do is accept, receive, the sacrifice Jesus made, seek forgiveness from Him for the wrongs we have done.... and commit our hearts and lives to Him. It doesn't matter how long or short we have to live.

If my family has done that, oh I want to praise God with them for that!
If they haven't, how I pray that they would!

If Gram hasn't done that, made a choice for God in her 95 years, I want her to have that choice clearly presented to her in these last weeks she has on this earth, in this body.

Maybe she will ask Jesus to forgive her, and accept Him into her heart.
Maybe she already has.
Maybe it will be through someone else who has spoken to her.
Maybe someone already has.
Maybe it will be me.
Maybe it will be someone else ministering to her these last days.

I don't know.
God does.

I just hate the thought that she is holding out a hope of something new or different, when she could be holding onto Jesus, knowing He is holding her, with His peace and assurance inside of her.

I am praying that anything I sensed yesterday wasn't true, and that she truly has a living faith in Christ.

Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Pray for Gram (Jean). Pray that I have the opportunity to talk to her, or pray with her (or both) before she dies.

Thank you so much,

Christ in the overwhelming...

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow. Moving day.

Not for me, but for a friend of mine. She is moving from her parents house, just outside of Milwaukee, to ours. She is going to rent a room downstairs, just off our laundry room. Privacy, and a chance to get established here in the area. A safe place to get on her feet, independent. A chance to grow up.

She is scared, emotionally overwhelmed and spent.

She called me today, in the midst of packing up everything.

She will be leaving behind most of her furniture, as our former office is furnished.

She will be leaving behind her friends and parents (though her parents come up to the area frequently because she has relatives in the area).

She will be gaining the chance to stand on her own, strengthen her walk with Christ, and a supportive church family who is willing to do anything to help her make her way.... new friends... a new job... a new chapter in her life.

We will be gaining a sister in Christ, just learning to make her way. Not only in living on her own and supporting herself.... but also making her way closer to Jesus again.

Please pray for all of us. Pray for us as we embrace her and bring her into our home, our family, our lives, our hearts (though she's already been in our hearts for a long time!)

My hope is that this transition for her will go smoothly, that she will see sure signs from God that this is the right choice to move out and into the new chapter.

I am thankful that the forecast is for good sunny weather tomorrow. We are using 2 pickup trucks to help her move. One has a topper, but the other doesn't.

I find myself struggling with fighting off a cold today. Angela is too.

Please pray with us for a safe trip, for our health, and for the strength and energy to do the whole move.

All I want to do is take a nap, but I find that I am laying expectations on myself. Expectations that no one else is laying on me. That my house (upstairs, not where she is moving into) should be clean and spotless, that I should have everything neat and orderly up there. There is so much cleaning to do, and only a few hours after work to do it in tonight. I have to get to bed early as I will be driving for 6+ hours tomorrow. Just over 3 down, and the same back.

I am more than willing to take the time out and help her. I am glad to do it.

I find myself getting overwhelmed because I am trying to do it in my own strength today. I know I shouldn't be. I don't have to have it all together before I take someone into my home. If I did, I would never take someone in. Because I can never have it all together.

I am so thankful that God's strength is shown perfect in my weakness. My weaknesses are many. But His grace and mercy cover all of them. He loves with a perfect, unfailing love, when my love is weak or half-hearted at best. His hope is an eternal one, when my hope falters in the middle of a circumstance. His joy reigns supreme when my joy strength reaches it's end and I feel I can't go further.

God is so much bigger than we could ever comprehend.... yet He chooses to live with these frail jars of clay that we are, so that through our cracks and imperfections His glorious light can shine for all the world to see.

So, though I feel overwhelmed, imperfect and unable.... in Christ's strength all things are possible.... and His Light is shining in me... through me.

prayer for my family

My family is going through a rough time right now.

Not my immediate family - Dave and the kids and I - but my spiritually adopted family.

Our "small group" or "home group" as our church calls them, is finding itself under a lot of strain from many different areas.

We are not a typical "bible study" with a topic of study each week, though we have tried that. We can read a book and discuss it, sometimes. But that isn't our focus. Our focus is on relationship. With God, and with one another. The formality of a bible study isn't always a good fit for us.

The times when we really shine, are the times when we "do" life together. We help each other out with things, fixing computers or cars, bringing meals to one another, celebrating birthdays together, having "dinner and a movie" nights at someone's house.

Sometimes my kids are there, often Dave isn't because of his work schedule, but for the most part, the core of us has been together for a long time - maybe 5 years.

They have walked with me through depression, suicidal thoughts, emotional immaturity - and watched as I have learned and grown. We have walked together through someone's scare of prostate cancer. We have stood by as several have struggled deeply with relationships, friendships, and authority figures. We have come alongside those who have lost jobs. We have shared the burden of helping a dear friend struggle with colon cancer. We are starting the walk with that same friend as she struggles with her husband's diagnosis/surgery/treatment of colon cancer.

We have had many stresses on our group. We have had different people become part of the group for a while, and go away for a while, sometimes come back, sometimes not. Right now, one core couple, who used to be able to be another physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy couple to come alongside the couple leading us - well they are the ones struggling with the serious cancer diagnosis now.

Our leader and his wife are tired. They need to be filled and encouraged, and feel they are pouring out, but not receiving it in.

How can I help them? I so want to, but don't know that I am in the position to.

Our group has suddenly grown very needy and lopsided with this one couple being so wrapped up in what is going on with them. The wife still comes, but he is pretty much needing to stay at home right now, to get his strength back before chemo.

That leaves our leader as the only male in a sea of estrogen! A guy (from what I have heard) can only take so much of that for so long! :)

Please pray for us. As a family, we don't want to be "split up" or broken apart by these difficult times we are in. I know that if God wants us to stay together, we will come out on the other side of this so much stronger.

But if God wants us to stop meeting as a small group, then we are going to need to be prepared to do that. I know I am not prepared for that, for sure. We love each other and if God wants us to disband our small group and do something else, though we will make time for one another, it is still going to be different than what we have now.

I don't know what is going to happen.

But I fear there is going to be hurt involved, no matter what is down the road here, in the near future. We are going to be broken, no matter what happens. But God is in the business of healing all things broken.

We need to be clear on how God is directing us. We need clear communication. We need Spirit-led conversations and understanding and unity that only comes from God. Only with that clear communication, understanding, unity and love are we going to be able to minister to one another the way God intends us to.

We need protection from all attempts of the enemy to build on the struggles we are facing. He would love nothing better than to use the crisis of one couple in our group to implode the group as a whole, causing damage and wounds in every direction.

Please pray that each of us individually would be able to stand firm against the enemy's schemes. He is trying very hard to pull any of us down individually.

Please pray that as a family we will be able to unite and come against the attacks of the enemy.

Please pray that as individuals and together we will be able to meet the needs of those in our group who have them, but also to be able to take care of ourselves enough, and express when we have a need as well.

Please pray for me.

Pray that I am very clear on what my position is/should be, how I can help, and what my limitations are. If I am not aware of, or ignore, my personal boundaries, I will find myself exposed, over extended and exhausted.

I am so glad that God's love endures forever. I am so thankful that He never leaves us or forsakes us. I am so grateful that we are sealed by the Holy Spirit in Him, and that we are united in the Spirit.

I am praying that our small group can be an example of that love, the ever presence of God, the security of being in Him, and unity of the Body, the way God designed it.

I am praying most for this dear couple who have been married for only 47 years and are begging God for a miracle of more time together!

My heart is burdened by all needs in our family. I want to meet them all, and I know I can't. I keep praying, but I hardly know what to pray because it is all so overwhelming.

Please join me in prayer. I know that when we don't have the words, or knowledge of even what to pray, the Spirit does, and guides our prayers, and prays for us.

What gifts God has given us! May His strength be shown perfect in our weaknesses!

Cup overturned, empty and scattered

Ah, friends...
It has been too long, and even now I wonder at the time I am daring to take to write, or even check my email!

Our women's retreat starts tonight.
6pm.

I need to be there between 2 and 3.

All the music power point is done. The words are printed for the interpreters for the deaf. The music picked out and organized and prayed over. The women coming have been prayed over, and again. The food for lunch tomorrow is sitting on my kitchen table, waiting to be packed into the tiny spaces left available in my car.

I think I have it all ready. I think! I hope.

I am excited about hearing from God today. I am excited to see how God is going to work in the lives of the 24 women coming.

Yet, I ache with tiredness, and I haven't even started yet.

I am leading worship for the weekend. I am leading worship for our Sunday morning church service when we get back. It will be a big drain on me, yet I am willing to do it, and feel called to.

There are some women coming with some deep hurts. Scary hurts. One is facing a diagnosis of her husbands cancer. He had a heart transplant back in 2002. A year and a half ago, she was diagnosed with cancer, had chemo and is cancer free today. Just yesterday they found out that a tumor was causing the pain and other issues he had.... I didn't hear what kind. I think I was in shock, but my guess is, from where they described it was, probably colon cancer. Near his lymph nodes. There seems to be no question that he is going to be doing chemo.

How does that work with his anti-rejection meds for his heart? I don't know. There are a lot of unknowns right now, and many tears shed last night at our home group.

Another woman is battling intense depression.

Another can't come because her mom is taking care of her dad who has Alzheimers, and isn't taking care of herself in the process, and she and her sister have to go take care of their mom.

And there are so many, many other unknown stories coming into this weekend.

Our weekend theme? Brokenness. Broken hearts. Broken lives. Broken before God... and complete surrender to Him.

I am broken. Beyond fixing by human hands. I too am struggling under a weight of depression. It lifts from time to time. Then it comes back with that familiar weight dropping onto my shoulders.

Last night found us all broken at our bible study. Over the news of cancer. Over our own hurts and struggles.

I sobbed while we prayed.

Everyone assumed (I think) it was because I was overwhelmed with the retreat. That was some of it. But God has really given me a peace about it all. I know He will be there, is in all of it now, and will make happen what He wants to happen at that retreat, whether things go the way we planned or not. He is in control.

Other things have slowly piled on the last couple of weeks, that I am still struggling with, and I can't even put a name to some of them.

I am in need of great healing and comfort this weekend. I don't even know what from. God does, and He knows the deepest part of me that is hurting right now. I think He is doing heart surgery, asking me to offer my body as a living sacrifice. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is oh, so weak.

I read something in today's devotional in "My Utmost for His Highest" about binding the sacrifice to the horns of the alter (me, my flesh, being the sacrifice) and then enduring, being willing to go through the fiery trial to follow. It will burn the flesh away, the unneeded things that are hindering me.

I need to be willing to be poured out for others, like a drink offering.

Cup overturned, empty.
Not a drop left.

I feel that way now, but not the cup spent in sacrifice... but the one knocked over prematurely. Like someone sweeping off a table in a fit of rage, knocking the cups over onto the floor, emptying them and scattering them heedless of the destruction just caused.

Maybe the enemy wasn't as "heedless" as I would like to think, but much more vengeful and hateful and purposeful behind the knocking down and over, and trampling through the wreckage.

These are just some thoughts rolling through my head.
I have little time left for a graceful closing to this post.

Please pray for the weekend. It is doubtful I will have an internet connection where I am going, even with my computer with me. And even if I do, I am not going to connect to the internet at all to check email or Facebook.

My biggest request is prayer.
For me.
For our speaker, who I know is getting hit by the enemy prior to this retreat.
For the women coming, all who have faced major opposition, either not coming or beaten down but still showing up.
For the Holy Spirit to be poured out on all of us.
For our ears and eyes to be open to hear and see what He is doing in our midst, and how He is speaking to our hearts.

Please pray for me to be able to not only lead the worship, guide the transitions between things, make the lunch, and administrate in any other way needed...
But to not be so distracted by other things that I cannot hear what God is saying to me, too.

Thank you for making it through this long post.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and then to pray.
Thank you for your friendships. They mean more to me than you will ever know.

...attacks coming, learning and growth... prayer needed

On of the things I learned last week is that God will use anyone and anything to speak to you.

Duh, right?

I have learned this before.

I got to meet with the speaker for our women's retreat (coming up at the beginning of February) this past week.

We met to talk about the music that I will be preparing. I wanted to make sure that it dovetailed with her talks. I didn't want to move from upbeat praise to a real introspective talk, etc.

We talked about all sorts of things, getting to know each other. Let me tell you, from right off, I really liked her. I just felt we "clicked," if that makes sense on a first meeting of someone. (For most of you out there, you will get this!!)

Anyway, I felt very comfortable sharing part of my story with her, of depression. I honestly don't remember HOW much I shared, but some of my counseling with Tricia, and some of how I have been recently dealing with depression.

As we talked more, I also shared with how 2 women have had to drop off the team in the course of planning (one of them being my dear friend, Cindy).

She looked at me, at one point in our conversation and said something to the effect of:

Sometimes when we face the most oppression (referencing Cindy and the other gal dropping off, my depression, and some things she is dealing with) is just when God is going to do something really big.

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

It got a bit of fire in my belly... making me think that I am not going to go down under this. I am not going to let the enemy get the best of me, or take me out and interfere with whatever God wants to do.

So, God already used her to teach me something, to remind me of something... to get me up and fighting again.

Please pray, because I really think our team, our speaker, and the women coming to the retreat are really being hit hard.

Another person off our team is not going to the retreat. She will help finish organizing us and help set up, but is not attending. We are down to 3 on the team now for the weekend.

Another woman came to me and because of something that God has made her aware of in there life, she almost decided not to come. She has signed up and paid her money, but expressed some reservations. I am thankful that she talked to me, because I was able to (hopefully) help her to not be concerned.

I need prayer as I prepare in the next week and a half. I am worn out from this past weekend of work on the Annual Celebration at our church. It was a wonderful time, but the extra hours have caught up with me today.

And God used that conversation with the woman who almost didn't sign up for the retreat to point some things out in my heart.... but more on that later I think. That's another post.

Here are a few things I could use help with.

1. Prayer as I prepare the worship, as I pray for each of the women coming.
2. Prayer for me as well, that I don't get so caught up in planning, leading, and my responsibilities that I miss out on hearing what God has to say to me through this weekend.
3. Prayer for our speaker as she prepares her talks and how to communicate on the theme of Brokenness.
4. Prayer for our team as we seek Him, and try to make sure we have everything covered.
5. Prayer for all of us attending that God would speak to our very hearts, in very personal ways.
6. Prayer that we would respond to Him, and surrender all to Him.
7. Prayer for protection from the enemies attacks.

These are my major requests. As God leads you to other prayers for us, please do. He knows what we all need. I just hope and pray that we will feel the unity of His Spirit moving there, and that the enemy would have no ground, no way of interfering with any of the retreat.

Advent of Trust #5; trust and spiritual giftings...

This weekend would have been exhausting for many people.

Yet though I am tired right now, it isn't total exhaustion. I will sleep well, make no doubt! But I have learned that working out of your areas of gifting and love are energizing, not depleting.

I never really understood that before.
I never really knew what my giftings were before.

I used to ask God to show me what to do, what I should do with my life....

...and then tried things on my own, out of my own strength.

I should have waited more patiently, trusting Him.

I was so worried about my friend, Cindy, two weeks ago. I remember voicing to her that I just wanted to do something more than "just pray" for her.

She kept telling me that whatever happened it would be good. It would be worked for our good and God's glory, for her, for all of us.

I was afraid to trust that. To trust God for that.

Yet, He still gives us chance after chance to trust.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to put my desire to do more than "just pray" to work. I was hands on helping. It was so good to do something, anything physical to help.

But, as I was up with her in the wee hours of the morning, putting a cold wash cloth on her forehead, just rubbing her shoulder as she cried because of the pain of moving around and exhaustion....

......I prayed......

and it wasn't "just praying" anymore.
It was the true work I was doing.

All the physical help I gave was a good break for both her and her husband. But the prayer that I could give, and did give, during the night, silent and out loud was the real work.

In the middle of the night, when you choose helping someone over the preferred sleep... when you voice prayers and words of scripture and gestures of comfort when your flesh would normally desire to just leave....

That's when the real ministry happens.

I have experienced this some before, with my kids or when someone else I love is sick. But this was the first time where I was aware of the gifts that God has given me for mercy and compassion, and I was able to intentionally use them.

This time, I trusted Him to show me. I trusted him enough to wait on him (though it was kicking and screaming sometimes the last couple of weeks, as I waited... none too patiently) I look back on how I acted, and reacted to God, and the lack of trust and faith I showed....

I can only pray that I will remember how, yet again, God has come through and helped me, or helped someone I was praying for.

I can only thank God that He showed me that He gave me the gift of compassion, mercy, empathy and prayer. Now to trust Him to work through me in those areas, in HIS TIME, not my own.

I have seen what He can do when I am willing to follow His leading and how it turns out for good, not only for the person/people I am helping, but also for my own good. Now to trust Him enough to step out when He says to step out, and to wait when He says to wait.

Tomorrow is another step, another hurdle. Different than this one. But it is a chance to allow Him control and "do" it through me. I can't. But He can.

I will surrender myself to Him.
I will put all of my trust in Him.

There is no other way to walk through this life.
No other way that is bearable.

Have you found how to trust Him to work through you?
Especially work through your giftedness?
I would love to hear about it!

Advent of Trust #2.... Leaning not on my own understanding

Another day, another day to trust.

After a long day at work, and a couple of meetings, phone calls and the like, I had more than enough opportunities to trust God.

"Trust in the Lord will all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

I have some opportunities to trust someone to take the lead in something. I have some opportunities to trust God to organize our women's retreat. I have some opportunities to trust God to heal a dear friend.

When I trust Him, I have to let go. Let go of the reins. Let go of control. Let go of the worry and anxiety.

God is in control.

Why can't I get that through my head?

To finally surrender and trust Him in all areas is extremely hard for me. I am plagued with worry and anxiety much of the time.

I fear that I won't measure up, either in others eyes, or in Gods (that's a whole other issue, because in myself I don't measure up, but in Christ I do....) But you get what I mean.

This has just been a long week, and my heart hurts for a friend. I know she is in pain, she is on a slow recovery process from surgery. I just keep praying for her and thinking about her all the time.

She is not only my dear friend, she is my sister in so many ways. She also is like a mentor to me. I go to her for advice so many times. There are so many things right now that I could use her advice on.

But because we haven't even been able to talk, and I know that she isn't up to talking... I have to rely on someone else.

I suppose the last couple of days, I have been leaning on my own understanding.

There is no one to talk to who can help "fix" what I perceive as my problems.

I have to trust in the Lord.
With. All. My. Heart.

As I have expressed, this is very hard for me. Maybe God is allowing me to the place of exhaustion to show me how much I have been trying to do on my own.

I have been doing fine in taking on the things I have... but if this exhaustion I am feeling today it God's way of showing me that some of these things aren't for me, then I suppose I have to trust him. My problem is trying to figure out if my reservations in certain areas is because it isn't a right decision, or if it is my own desire to "control" things.

I don't know.

So... its trusting in the Lord with all of my heart... and not leaning on my own reasoning of the situation. That's my job for today, I guess. All my understanding is worth nothing in the sight of God who can see everything and work everything together for good.

How are you going to trust Him today? Is there a specific area?


PS I will be posting a bit later today, as well, to "catch up" so that I am up to date and can keep up with all my posts for this month! :)

some silence isn't golden...

A friend wrote an email to me yesterday.

His title of the email....

"Silence is golden, but..."

Yes, I have been pretty silent over here.

It's not just the season, and how busy it gets. It's not working.
Though, those things do contribute.

Emotionally I have been on a roller coaster the past week. Wrestling with God. Wrestling with myself. And, really spending a lot of that time trying to hide and stuff those emotions any way I could.

I know, not healthy. But its where I am at.

In the process of this day alone, God has shown me how off I have been, and started to reveal some other things to me that I really need to deal with... a lie or two laying there that have been hiding away. Things I thought were dealt with, but explain my reactions and behavior this week.

All that to say....

....depending on how tired I am tonight, I might not get to post about it till later on this weekend. But I wanted you to know that I am here. I am ok. Not great but ok.

Choosing to trust in the Lord, even when He doesn't make sense, and I don't get what He's doing or how in the world He can or will redeem things.

Fear has been pounding me pretty bad all week, and today is the first chance to take a deep breath without it constricting me.

Choosing to trust when fear is screaming in your face is extremely difficult. But I am trying. Today I keep refocusing myself.

One day at a time. One breath at a time.

I am grateful for my friend inquiring after me. It made me realize that if I cut myself off from others (yes, here on my blog as well as "in real life" people that I know and love) I am going to "go down under" so to speak. I can't live in isolation... and that was what the enemy has been trying to do... get me to isolate myself. From everyone.

Pray for me. And please pray for a dear sister, who is facing surgery and some serious health issues this coming week.

My friend, my heart

I'm just going to put it out there.

I'm having a hard week.

Work has been good, and I love the job.
I put in a ton of hours earlier this week, and drained myself.
It was my own fault for not putting up boundaries.

It took me nearly all day Wednesday to recover.

Yesterday I talked to my friend Cindy on the phone. I snuggled up under the covers on my bed while we talked. When we were done, I hung up and immediately started sobbing into the pillows.

All I wanted to do was get to her somehow and give her a big hug.

She is so overwhelmed by all that is going on in her life, that "Miss Empathy" herself, the dear woman who cries at almost anything, can't cry.

I think it is a flip of the switch that her brain did to enable her, with all the traumas in her life, to keep functioning. She is hurting terribly, but can't cry, can't break down, or let it go.

I get to see her, for a bit this morning for the first time in almost 4 weeks. I have missed her so much. She was gone, dealing with her father's death, and then caring for her mother, as she suddenly got worse and was hospitalized.

Now on top of all of that, she is preparing for surgery herself.

My heart is breaking for her. She is so glazed over, as she said to me just recently.

She is here right now on the phone, with another doctor, who is asking her questions to prep her for surgery.

I just promised her that she wouldn't be alone in the hospital if her husband couldn't be with her all the time. I want to do as much for her as I can, as God wants me to, even if it isn't me staying with her, but me arranging to have others stay with her.

Another friend went through surgery, cancer, and chemo last year, and I had peace pretty much through the whole thing, though it was traumatic. I was able to help and bring food, and do as much as possible to help her and her husband.

I never expected to have this type of response to all the things Cindy is going through, from her dad dying, to her mom almost gone now, to her having surgery... She just has been hit with so much. So my empathy is kicking into overdrive, as she "can't" feel right now, I have been for her.

That probably prompted my storm of tears yesterday.
It's probably why I am so close to tears today.

Please pray for me as I try to do all that God is asking me to, in my life, and all the things that I want to do, as God gives me permission, for Cindy. I know it is normal to hurt and grieve for someone, especially someone with whom I am so close. But I also want to be strong for her, and not make her think that she can't tell me things because I can't "handle" it.

Please pray for Cindy, that a some point (preferably before the surgery) she will be able to let go of some of the emotions building up.

God has been showing His perfect timing in everything, allowing her to reschedule an appointment with a doctor who really is scheduled out so far, it was nearly impossible for her to get her first appointment with him... and she was able to get her surgery scheduled soon. If her mom does die now, please pray that the timing will work out for the best for Cindy.

Pray that the people around Bob and Cindy will be able to help and come around them, supporting them during this time. They have no immediate family in this area, but have a whole church who loves them dearly. Please pray that they would accept the help that is offered to them, and not try to tough it out alone.

Pray for God's peace over all, in all, and through all.

She had to run to another appointment here in town, so Marina and I are going to run to meet her somewhere for lunch, after her appointment.

I am praying for a sweet time of fellowship... because I think we both need it.

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for a forum where I can be honest about where I am at, my emotions, and the things going on in my life right now... the aches, and joys too, in my heart.

Hopefully be able to write more soon,
Love in Him

God's warmth and light....

The night falls so swiftly now.

Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!

I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.

I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.

How God met me in that warmth!

He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.

As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.

I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!

My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.

Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.

Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.

I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.

I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.

He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.

Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.

And then again....
Maybe He won't.

All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.

It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.

A family within a family.

Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.

The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.

It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.

God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.

He brings light from the darkness.

Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.

I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.

He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.

trust, live, rejoice, rely in all these new things...

I (as I seem to have written before) have meant to sit down all week and write. It just hasn't happened.

This week has been eventful to say the least!!

Among many other things, I received a job offer at the beginning of the week. It's one I applied for a while back, but had to keep low key for various reasons. Now that it is more public knowledge in our church, I am able to share it here. I am now the new administrator for our church.

I am so excited. I have no idea what the job holds. It's part time, so I will be able to still be with the kids a lot of the week. I am going to be working Monday through Wednesday, and on those days, the kids grandfather (retired) will be watching Marina, and picking up Peter from school.

It is going to make our life extremely busy! (not that it wasn't before!!!) But it is needed income at the moment, and I think really fits a need in the church, and most probably a need in my personal life, spiritual life. I don't know for sure, but God does, and He knows what He has planned for me.

We also had the opportunity to take the daughter of a family friend with us to AWANA with the kids this week. She loved it. Our kids loved having her there.

In an un-typical move (for me) I told this young lady's mother that if she enjoyed it and wanted to go again, to just let us know and we could pick her up every week. I gave her some of the details in an email.... it now sounds like we may be adding V. to our number for Wednesday nights.

I am really excited about V coming with us. I am thrilled that her mom and dad want her to go, and that she was excited about it. She is about 2 years older than Peter, is reading, and is a very bright young lady. She is going to have no problems memorizing the scripture verses each week, and will very quickly be able to keep up with the class of kids. She and Peter will be in the Sparks group for this year, as they go from Kindergarten through second grade.

She is in second grade in Peter's school, and I think it will be good for both of them to be together for this year. The more I learn about AWANA (this is my first exposure through my own kids... I never had the opportunity for something like this myself as a child) the more I am glad that the kids get to be in it. Not only does it put value on learning more about God, Jesus, and who He is, and what it means to have Him in our lives, it gives ownership to the kids.

From all I have read and listened to, the kids are encouraged to make personal choices to follow Jesus. They are encouraged to read Scripture, to memorize it and to treasure it. It isn't just memorizing to get levels and patches for their vests. They are taught the meaning behind each verse and what it looks like applied to their lives.

I am so glad to have an outside source to try to bring these ideas home to the kids.
I am so glad that our friends want their daughter to come with us.
I am so glad that we got involved in AWANA despite my hesitation at the beginning!

This could be a really stressful few months for me as I settle in and adjust to the working environment, and settling in with the kids on a routine, etc.

Please pray for this transition!

I got off the phone with Karen, the kids' grandmother and my mother-in-law, and she and Joe (the retired grandpa ;) ) were not realizing that for the first 4+ weeks I would need their help 3 days a week. They were still anticipating only Monday and Tuesday needing to watch them.

When I clarified that I was going to really need them three days a week, so I could get my 24 hours in, she seems a bit taken aback. She understood once I told her that Dave's schedule was that far out, and he couldn't request off Wednesdays on schedules already posted. If he were to get a Wednesday off, he would have to trade hours with someone, if there were someone who wanted to trade.

It makes it harder for me to think of leaving the kids when I know that there might possibly be a problem.....

..... but I know that is borrowing from the future, and that isn't what God wants.

I am using a devotional to help focus me for just a few minutes in the morning before my day gets jump started. I later can come back to God and get a deeper refreshment from Him... but I start my morning with this devotional and a few moments of consciously resting in His arms.

Today's devotional I had to re-read just now, especially after finding myself starting to worry about expectations, and what my in-laws might be thinking about being "saddled" with the kids so I can work.. And I immediately started brainstorming ways that we could make things work without putting the kids on their hands further.

This is from the devotional given to be my a "bloggy" buddy. :) It's called "Jesus Calling. Enjoying Peace in His Presence." It is written in first person, as if it is God speaking directly to you.

Check out how timely this was!

October 10
Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin - so common it usually slips by unnoticed.
The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent enough to handle something yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day more confidently.
(emphasis mine)

Talk about speaking right into where I'm at. Rather than fearing, and focusing on the future that I am NOT able to change one whit, by worrying about it, I need to rest in Him, rejoice in God's abundant supply in my life. My own inadequacy, my own insufficiency is all opportunity for God to be glorified.


Oh God, I so want you to be glorified in all I do. I don't want to live only parts of my life surrendered to you. I want all of my life to be surrendered to you... every last bit of it. I am tired of trying to live on my own, of trying to make things work in and of my own strength, and only running to you when my strength runs out.
I can't thank you enough Jesus, that you take me as I am - many times flat on my face in the dust - and you redeem my life from the pit. How incredible that you love me that much!
May I live in the reality of that each day. I don't do well with that usually, and I find myself "planning" things out in advance. None of that really works. Only you work. Why do I constantly find myself trying to do those things on my own, when in reality only complete dependence on you works?
Reform my thinking, change my heart. Uproot old habits, refocus my gaze. May I be pleasing in your sight. May all the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you.
Show me more and more what it means that you delight in me, and how to further delight myself in you! Thank you so much, Jesus for delighting in me, for creating me for that relationship with you, for desiring to be close to me all my days. Thank you for giving me a purpose as simple and complex as delighting in you. In everything and through everything.
I love you.
Goodnight, sweet Jesus.