A new place.
That’s where I am now.
In a new place. I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.
Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him. He prompted me to surrender to Him completely. I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future. I was going to trust Him with everything.
After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something.
It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.
We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.
As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me. To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need." However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need." Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table. That kind of sufficiency.
It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.
As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.
When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray. All I could do was cry. As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep.
In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.
I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing). I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into. As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head. I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before
All of You is more than enough for all of meFor every thirst and every needYou satisfy me with Your loveAnd all I have in You is more than enough.
I couldn't get it out of my head. A day or so later, I was discharged. Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week? Yup. You guessed it...
So, now back full circle.Enough.Sufficient.
God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.
Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life. I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.
Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.
Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry. I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me. I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)
When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions. I had to. I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me. But I could hardly stand it.
The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”
I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me. He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace. He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.
I know He will always be working to free me and restore me. Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.
Wednesday, that is exactly what happened.
God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.
I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression. Free from needing to take medications. I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore.
I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds. He has for others.
But then I realized.
Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders. (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)
He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago. He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.
Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.
Surrender more.Trust more.With a faith deeper than before.
So I said it.
He used depression to get me here.
So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him. Obeyed Him.
“Ok, Lord. I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”
Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered
Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs. Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used. Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand. Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all. Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.
Newly healed legs. Strengthened ankles. Feet solidly placed on the Rock.
He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him. Resting. Looking. Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.
And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me.
Being a wife and mother.Doing my administrative job.Assisting on the Communications Team.Leading worship on a Worship Team.
And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.
This is truly a new place for me.
And I am overwhelmed….