I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic. I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.
This morning I had to lead worship.
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted.
Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well. At least everyone else probably thought so. However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears. I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal. I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.
I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up. It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it. None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm. Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.
I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.
This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal. When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer. So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.
We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.
When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song. THE song. The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal. I felt like He was asking me to really think about them.
"We bow our hearts,
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit, come make us humble."
And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.
As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit. God really used that time of the sermon to get to me. To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.
I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.
So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak. I really didn't know what to say. I'm still not sure what all I did say.
When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song. I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.
I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him. We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.
My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember. But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.
It took all I had to keep from crying. I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up. I coudn't tell God no - well I could have. I could have not said a word. I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it.
But God wanted more.
I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area. That was something Pastor Kim said today.
He said, "God cannot work through disobedient servants."
It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it. I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it.
I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it. There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in. But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him? I am living for myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully. Not totally sold out. Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.
I don't know what is going to come of it. If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life. But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.
I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day. When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day. I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.
There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog! And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!
But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.
Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment. It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.
God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out. The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading. But I know that God did something, and is continuing to. I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.