Today I looked outside and was met with a rainy Sunday morning as I got ready for church. While getting ready, I heard thunder. Then there was the bits of ice hitting the window and the hint that it had snowed out a bit too.
My husband came home from his third shift and warned me to take it easy on the way home. The further north, the worse the roads were. (He had come from work, which is north of us by only about 20 minutes - there was that much difference in the temperatures and precipitation type)
It's still cold and grey, windy and misty out, even now.
Our pastor reminded us this morning that though everything looks dead, dormant and we keep thinking that spring will never come, every single year it does.
Spring is such a reminder that God brings new life to what seems dead.
Revelations 21:5 says that God is making everything new, and that His words are trustworthy and true.
Did you hear that?
Everything.
Not just some things, some plants, some trees, some people, some situations.
Everything.
New life, new sight, new hearing, new flesh, new hope.
God has so much in store for us in the new life He offers. He has so much in store for me in the new life He offers to me.
My heart was just overflowing this morning with gratitude as we gathered together in the prayer meeting before the service. We only had about 40 minutes, but the time just seemed to fly by. I was truly able to enter into His presence and praise Him, confess and seek forgiveness for my sins, and pray for others in a way that I am not always able to do in group prayer times.
Pastor Kim shared today the differences between the Old Covenant that God made with Israel, and the New Covenant He has made with us. He had three different points, but one really jumped out at me.
The Old Covenant brought feelings of condemnation, while the New brings feelings of commendation.
The Old showed how we constantly fail at keeping God's laws and commands. the New gives us the internal power (by the Holy Spirit dwelling in us) to do what is right.
What really struck me about that was God shows us what to do and then empowers us to do it.
How many times have I gotten stuck? I hear and feel God impressing on me something He wants me to do or say. He speaks directly into my heart. Through His word, or through someone else or a bible study I am doing, He asks me to do something, or to give something up. And that's where I get stuck, because I feel like it is completely impossible. There is no way that I can do it, not a single chance that I could ever do or not do whatever it is.
and I can't.
Not in my own power.
But. God.
I love those words! How many times in the bible have those words come together just before God does something amazing, or gives an incredible promise?
God gives me the power to actually do or not do what He wants me to. I have to accept His help. I have to do my part and determine to do what is right, make the right choices, take captive my thoughts, stand firm against the enemy, filter my emotions through the truth of God's Word. Without His Spirit in me, I wouldn't be able to do any of those things effectively in my own power. I wouldn't be able to make those choices without His power in me, working to help me.
How many times do we find people walking through life, but not really living it the way God created?
And I'm not talking about non-believers here.
I am talking about us.
The church.
The Body of Christ.
The very people that God has given up His Son for, and given His Spirit to!!!!
How many times, how long have I walked through this life of mine, without really living? God has given NEW life, hope, peace, power, joy. New ears to hear His truth, new eyes to see Him working, new flesh to walk purely.
We have such power if we choose to tap into it. God has given us so much more than "just" salvation. We have so much more than a ticket to heaven!
With that new life, I have a new hope to which God has called me. Imagine that! We are called to HOPE! I have a glorious inheritance. Not just in heaven, but here on this earth God has given me, given all of us a Promised Land to live in - one flowing with milk and honey - abundance in ways we can't ever imagine.
Here is where I am going with this. We have incomparably great power that is ours if we believe. Not just believe in Him, but really believe Him.
That is the power I was talking about earlier. Power to do what God is asking of us. His power that raised Christ from the dead is at our disposal if we only knew how to use it. We don't have to walk about in defeat. We are free! Can't we start living like it? can't we start stepping out in the little things to see what God can do?
He is willing to start small with us, as long as we are willing to trust Him. As I have become more willing to believe my Father, as I have CHOSEN to believe Him, He has taken me a step at a time.
I've felt like I have been saying, "Ok, I thought I heard You say to test out the ground here and see if it is dry enough for me to walk on..." And so I take a step. Then there is another one, and another one. He keeps asking me, "Are you going to believe Me here too? Are you willing to believe me for this area of your life too?" I have recently been looking back, and all those little steps have added up to quite a long distance. Even in just the last 2 months or so.
All it takes is one step at a time. There is no condemnation for failing to live up to the "standards" and the "law." There is just love and gentle correction and a complete wiping clean of the slate. He gives us such love and approval when we do what He wants, and such love and forgiveness when we don't that we don't ever, ever have to feel condemned.
Only the enemy wants to hold us back. Only the enemy wants to keep us walking through life, not seeing the freedom and joy and peace we can have. Only the enemy wants to keep us from accessing the incomparably great power that is ours in Christ.
Because if we do, if we start living those victorious lives that are possible in Christ, we are going to be so attractive to other believers, they are going to want to know how to access that power in their lives. On top of that, we will find ourselves living our lives in such a way that we will be attractive to those who don't believe and they will want to know how we can live with such peace and joy.
No, we don't get it right all the time when we live in victory and freedom.
But that is the beauty of it.
We ALWAYS live in forgiveness.
We always walk in the new life, with new hope and new growth.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Living for Him = obedience
It has been a long week or so, fighting off a sinus infection.
I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic. I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.
This morning I had to lead worship.
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted.
Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well. At least everyone else probably thought so. However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears. I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal. I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.
I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up. It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it. None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm. Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.
I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.
This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal. When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer. So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.
We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.
When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song. THE song. The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal. I felt like He was asking me to really think about them.
And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.
As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit. God really used that time of the sermon to get to me. To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.
I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.
So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak. I really didn't know what to say. I'm still not sure what all I did say.
When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song. I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.
I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him. We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.
My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember. But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.
It took all I had to keep from crying. I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up. I coudn't tell God no - well I could have. I could have not said a word. I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it.
But God wanted more.
I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area. That was something Pastor Kim said today.
It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it. I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it.
I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it. There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in. But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him? I am living for myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully. Not totally sold out. Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.
I don't know what is going to come of it. If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life. But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.
I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day. When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day. I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.
There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog! And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!
But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.
Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment. It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.
God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out. The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading. But I know that God did something, and is continuing to. I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.
I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic. I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.
This morning I had to lead worship.
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted.
Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well. At least everyone else probably thought so. However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears. I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal. I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.
I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up. It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it. None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm. Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.
I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.
This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal. When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer. So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.
We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.
When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song. THE song. The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal. I felt like He was asking me to really think about them.
"We bow our hearts,
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit, come make us humble."
And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.
As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit. God really used that time of the sermon to get to me. To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.
I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.
So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak. I really didn't know what to say. I'm still not sure what all I did say.
When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song. I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.
I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him. We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.
My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember. But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.
It took all I had to keep from crying. I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up. I coudn't tell God no - well I could have. I could have not said a word. I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it.
But God wanted more.
I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area. That was something Pastor Kim said today.
He said, "God cannot work through disobedient servants."
It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it. I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it.
I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it. There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in. But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him? I am living for myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully. Not totally sold out. Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.
I don't know what is going to come of it. If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life. But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.
I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day. When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day. I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.
There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog! And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!
But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.
Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment. It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.
God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out. The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading. But I know that God did something, and is continuing to. I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Darkness has brightened....
Yesterday found me struggling. Missing my parents and our Christmas Eve traditions. I was experiencing a deep exhaustion, depression, and a pressure of deeper darkness than I have had for a while.
I struggled to hang in there and just breathe. I curled up under the blankets after having cleaned a friends driveway, trying to warm up and trying to regain my composure. Trying to prepare for celebrating with Dave's family.
I called a friend and we talked on the phone for a little bit and she shared with me and asked some questions, and then told me she was going to lift me up in prayer.
I grabbed my heating pad, bible and journal and curled back up under the covers, still trying to get warm. I spent some time in prayer and slowly relaxed as I warmed up. I spent some time in tears as I tried to pray. Finally I was able to settle my heart, and read through a Psalm. Then I set my alarm and succumbed to what I really had wanted to do in the first place.
I curled up, under the covers, pulled them over my head and was finally able to sleep for just a little bit.
I got ready, Dave picked me up and we headed to the farm to spend time with his family. I was able to relax and converse and just have a good time catching up with his relatives.
I wasn't able to spend any time in the Word last night, but this morning I woke up and didn't have to rush too much, as the kids were at the farm and had their stockings to keep them occupied for a little bit.
Before I even stepped foot out of bed, I had the chance to pray, read through parts of Luke 1 and 2, journal, just rest in His presence.
God rested me, held me, comforted my heart.
He renewed me.
I am still tired, and struggling some with my mood, and the sense of depression, but the deep exhaustion has lifted some, the darkness has brightened, just like a candle flame brightens a dark room.....
.... and I am reminded.
You, O Lord keep my lamp burning, my God turns my darkness to light. (Psalm 18:28)
God is good my friends. Sing praises to Him today. He is the lifter of my head. May you experience His love, joy and peace this day and every day.
I struggled to hang in there and just breathe. I curled up under the blankets after having cleaned a friends driveway, trying to warm up and trying to regain my composure. Trying to prepare for celebrating with Dave's family.
I called a friend and we talked on the phone for a little bit and she shared with me and asked some questions, and then told me she was going to lift me up in prayer.
I grabbed my heating pad, bible and journal and curled back up under the covers, still trying to get warm. I spent some time in prayer and slowly relaxed as I warmed up. I spent some time in tears as I tried to pray. Finally I was able to settle my heart, and read through a Psalm. Then I set my alarm and succumbed to what I really had wanted to do in the first place.
I curled up, under the covers, pulled them over my head and was finally able to sleep for just a little bit.
I got ready, Dave picked me up and we headed to the farm to spend time with his family. I was able to relax and converse and just have a good time catching up with his relatives.
I wasn't able to spend any time in the Word last night, but this morning I woke up and didn't have to rush too much, as the kids were at the farm and had their stockings to keep them occupied for a little bit.
Before I even stepped foot out of bed, I had the chance to pray, read through parts of Luke 1 and 2, journal, just rest in His presence.
God rested me, held me, comforted my heart.
He renewed me.
I am still tired, and struggling some with my mood, and the sense of depression, but the deep exhaustion has lifted some, the darkness has brightened, just like a candle flame brightens a dark room.....
.... and I am reminded.
You, O Lord keep my lamp burning, my God turns my darkness to light. (Psalm 18:28)
God is good my friends. Sing praises to Him today. He is the lifter of my head. May you experience His love, joy and peace this day and every day.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Pleasant happenings...
So Tricia asked me to take note of pleasant things that happened....
I have labeled them before as "joy moments."
One of my friends from college caught this phrase.... and reminded me of it in her comment in my last post....
She was referencing a post I made on Facebook about the perfect grilled cheese sandwich.
Start your griddle or frying pan to heat on medium. Butter a piece of bread on one side, place it butter side down. Put down your cheddar cheese (note: Velveeta WILL NOT DUE) and sprinkle a little bit of garlic powder. Then cut up a nice big ole slice of garden fresh tomato (I used a golden one, just picked today) and lay that on top of the cheese. Put down the other piece of bread, butter side up, and grill (both sides) till the cheese is gooey, or till you can't stand to wait any more.
Sigh.
That's making me hungry again.
Another joy moment tonight.
I had three right in a row!!!
First it was that grilled cheese sandwich.
Then I got to sit next to my hubby on the couch and watch Mythbusters on Discovery Channel.
Then I got to walk my friend's dog. My friend is staying with us for a while, and since she is gone overnight, I got to walk her dog tonight. Let me tell you, I think I tired both of us out. I haven't kept up that pace of a walk in a long time! :)
It was really great. A brisk walk, cool night air, a perfect breeze.... and the pooch actually decided to listen to me tonight and heeled the whole way!!!
So, three great things.
Three pleasant happenings.
All in one night.
I'm sure there are more, like my daughter snuggling me this afternoon when she wasn't feeling well. An unknown man stopping to assist me when my lawn mower would start but not keep running (he spent over an hour fixing it for me!!!) Never got his name, but am eternally grateful. What a blessing he was! My son made it through getting his six yr. old molars sealed, and 2 bad cavities filled. And he was so brave about it, he didn't even need me in the room with him... and there are still more.
I can't pass over these pleasant happenings.
These joy moments.
God is good.
I have labeled them before as "joy moments."
One of my friends from college caught this phrase.... and reminded me of it in her comment in my last post....
"another joy moment: a perfect grilled cheese sandwich. :) "
She was referencing a post I made on Facebook about the perfect grilled cheese sandwich.
Start your griddle or frying pan to heat on medium. Butter a piece of bread on one side, place it butter side down. Put down your cheddar cheese (note: Velveeta WILL NOT DUE) and sprinkle a little bit of garlic powder. Then cut up a nice big ole slice of garden fresh tomato (I used a golden one, just picked today) and lay that on top of the cheese. Put down the other piece of bread, butter side up, and grill (both sides) till the cheese is gooey, or till you can't stand to wait any more.
Sigh.
That's making me hungry again.
Another joy moment tonight.
I had three right in a row!!!
First it was that grilled cheese sandwich.
Then I got to sit next to my hubby on the couch and watch Mythbusters on Discovery Channel.
Then I got to walk my friend's dog. My friend is staying with us for a while, and since she is gone overnight, I got to walk her dog tonight. Let me tell you, I think I tired both of us out. I haven't kept up that pace of a walk in a long time! :)
It was really great. A brisk walk, cool night air, a perfect breeze.... and the pooch actually decided to listen to me tonight and heeled the whole way!!!
So, three great things.
Three pleasant happenings.
All in one night.
I'm sure there are more, like my daughter snuggling me this afternoon when she wasn't feeling well. An unknown man stopping to assist me when my lawn mower would start but not keep running (he spent over an hour fixing it for me!!!) Never got his name, but am eternally grateful. What a blessing he was! My son made it through getting his six yr. old molars sealed, and 2 bad cavities filled. And he was so brave about it, he didn't even need me in the room with him... and there are still more.
I can't pass over these pleasant happenings.
These joy moments.
God is good.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
strength and mourning...
The last few mornings I have been waking up and before I even step out of bed, between the snoozes, I have been praying.
It has been a really good way to wake up.
Through that, and trying to be intentional about praying in the car as I drive anywhere, my days have started out with prayer and worship.
God has been using these things, and others to build me up and strengthen me. I have been feeling a peace and a deeper sense of what I would call joy I guess.... even in the midst of depression.
My emotions have stabilized out somewhat.
To God be the glory, because I know where I was at about 3 weeks ago!
Now one of my dear friends, almost like a mother to me, Sandy, is facing losing her husband to colon cancer.
They have been through so much as a couple - I think I have mentioned them here before. Her husband, Henry is at home on hospice. He hasn't been eating or drinking much of anything. He had a really rough night last night.
This weekend the whole family was going to get together to celebrate some shared birthdays. However this morning Henry asked Sandy, in a clear moment, to call the kids and have them come today.
Sandy asked me to pray that once the kids got there to say goodbye, that things would happen quickly so that he would be free from this body, and pain.
They've been married 47 1/2 years.
I can't imagine what this is like - for either of them.
Now I realize why God has been strengthening me this week. So that I can walk alongside her, and our other friends who will be mourning our loss and Henry's gain... even if it doesn't come today, or tomorrow, or even this week....
Their most recent request that went out on the prayer chain follows.
"Please pray for Henry and Sandy who are gathered with their family. Pray that Henry will be able to be kept comfortable during this time. Please pray for the Lord's timing in Henry's life."
My heart aches for them.
And I am out of words.
Please join us all in prayer for them, and for their family.
On the road...
Heather
It has been a really good way to wake up.
Through that, and trying to be intentional about praying in the car as I drive anywhere, my days have started out with prayer and worship.
God has been using these things, and others to build me up and strengthen me. I have been feeling a peace and a deeper sense of what I would call joy I guess.... even in the midst of depression.
My emotions have stabilized out somewhat.
To God be the glory, because I know where I was at about 3 weeks ago!
Now one of my dear friends, almost like a mother to me, Sandy, is facing losing her husband to colon cancer.
They have been through so much as a couple - I think I have mentioned them here before. Her husband, Henry is at home on hospice. He hasn't been eating or drinking much of anything. He had a really rough night last night.
This weekend the whole family was going to get together to celebrate some shared birthdays. However this morning Henry asked Sandy, in a clear moment, to call the kids and have them come today.
Sandy asked me to pray that once the kids got there to say goodbye, that things would happen quickly so that he would be free from this body, and pain.
They've been married 47 1/2 years.
I can't imagine what this is like - for either of them.
Now I realize why God has been strengthening me this week. So that I can walk alongside her, and our other friends who will be mourning our loss and Henry's gain... even if it doesn't come today, or tomorrow, or even this week....
Their most recent request that went out on the prayer chain follows.
"Please pray for Henry and Sandy who are gathered with their family. Pray that Henry will be able to be kept comfortable during this time. Please pray for the Lord's timing in Henry's life."
My heart aches for them.
And I am out of words.
Please join us all in prayer for them, and for their family.
On the road...
Heather
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friends, family, hay, and trains... my life the past few days!
It's 7pm, and I actually have some moments of quiet.
I haven't been on the computer a whole lot at home because I loaned my laptop out to a friend who is pretty much out of comission with a knee surgery, and needed to be able to get at his email and do some work.
It's ok though, it just means that Dave has to share his computer with me! :) Not sure what he thinks about that yet. Especially when he finds that I have been "blogging" on HIS computer! :D
This week has been a week.
One of ups and downs.
Great conversations.
Difficult decisions for dear friends.
I have definitely gone "up" and "down" this week.
I started out my work week pretty low, and stayed that way all week, slowly getting better by Wednesday evening. I don't think it is my work itself that is pulling me down (I work at my church as the administrator) but maybe the enemy hitting me as much as possible to keep me from doing what I should be.... not sure on this, but feeling its a pretty good guess.
Thursday morning I spent on a friends porch. I was alone, just me and God. I was waiting to let in hospice to set up a hospital bed in their living room. My dear friends Henry and Sandy are going through a rough time. Henry has colon cancer. They have stopped chemo and are now home from the hospital, on home hospice.
Though it has been very difficult for them, I know they are totally at peace now with this situation, and with the decisions that have been made.
While I was at their house, I spent the time praying for them, prayer walking through their house.... and spent some great personal time with God too.
I had nearly 4 hours of uninterrupted time before things started hopping there, and people and equipment started arriving.
I walked into my friend Cindy's house on Friday, and after giving and receiving a big hug, she asked me how I was doing (because Tuesday was an awful day!!!!). I was able to tell her joyfully that I was doing really pretty good! Imagine her surprise and delight!
I had a great talk with her that morning, and a great conversation with my friends Peter and Donna the night before.
Yesterday, after getting home from spending time with Cindy, I mowed the lawn really quick and then ran to the farm with the kids, because my father in law was baling hay.
He had cut the day before, and side raked earlier in the day - he was trying to get it in the barn before dark, and it was supposed to rain last night (which it did).
It has been raining so much here that there haven't been 2-3 consecutive days without rain that were good for cutting hay. All the farmers are behind and trying to squeeze it in.
So, out to the farm we went.
I brought work gloves and jeans and borrowed a long sleeved shirt for helping out. I have never really been able to help before, because my allergies are so bad that I can't hardly breathe when I try to help. And usually there have been more than enough people to help, so I can back out and let someone else do it.
Not yesterday. My husbands cousin was there, and so my father in law, Joe and Dave's cousin Tom had brought in the first load and got it in the barn. I got there while Joe was baling the second load. So, I went into the house and made sure there was fresh watermelon and that the dinner was in the oven.
I came out when I heard him coming down the road with the loaded hay wagon. I wish I had some pictures to show you of the day and all the kids riding high on those mountains of bales!
I knew Joe didn't expect me to help, but I walked over with my work gloves on, hair in a bandanna, and long sleeves. I got up on the wagon and waited for Tom to get up in the loft and the elevator to start going. Thankfully the bales weren't too heavy this time, and I was able to pull them down, and line them up for my 6 yr old son who kicked and pushed them over to Joe to get them on the elevator. (He was thrilled to be helping that way when he realized that he couldn't swing them like grandpa!)
We did great until Joe needed to pull the wagon forward, to get at the bales at the back of the wagon, and got stuck on the end elevator, cause he pulled in crooked. At that point a friend of the family showed up and was able to help lift the elevator out of the way, and help unload the rest of the wagon. Since he could pretty much handle 2 bales at once, one with each hand, I was out of a job on the wagon.
I was relegated to "women's work" of making more juice and bringing out fresh fruit and stuff...
Though I am pretty sure it wasn't intentional, I am disappointed that I didn't get to really help unload more than I did. I wasn't really pushed aside, but when I was told I could go take a break, instead of speaking up and saying I wanted to keep on going, I backed down. I didn't mind running the errands for food and drinks in between loads, cause I couldn't help in the field. But I guess I am kind of mad at myself for not speaking up and saying I wanted to help out more.
I know I will probably get more chances as the summer goes on and the weather cooperates, but still. I wanted to do the work once I got out there. It felt really good to do something physical like that, that I knew was helping the family.
In the end though, with the help of the 2 other guys, Joe got in all his loads. Five in all from the 2 fields he cut. I don't know how much more he is planning on baling himself, but I know he will be helping others if he doesn't bail, so I may get another chance this summer to help out and prove myself.
Today, I went with my family for a train ride. The place we went was about 3 hours away from us, and we went with our cousins. After the 3 hours of driving we got to walk around the train yard. Then got on the train and had a pizza lunch, and rode for nearly 2 hours. Then the long ride home again.
My husband is tired (so am I) but he is sleeping right now (hence the reason I can "blog" on his computer!!!)
It was a good day with the family. I did get joy out of it, which is I guess, what the doctor and I want to see as the result of my taking the medications.
I still am finding myself very easily irritated, and frustrated. My anxiety is still very high. Some days it goes down - like on Friday... but today it was way back up there again.
It's hard to tell what is circumstantial, and what isn't. I don't know what to attribute it all to, but I guess even if I don't know, I have to roll with the punches and do what it takes to take care of myself.
I am tired out, but I am also hungry and thirsty, so I am going to go outside, where it is a bit cooler (rather than trying to go sleep right now - if I did that I would never sleep through the night) and enjoy a fire and some reading and maybe some hotdogs over the fire.
I guess that will be a way I can take care of myself tonight, as long as I don't stay out too late by the fire.
I hope to write more soon, to share more of what I have been learning through reading a book that Cindy recommended to me.
Hopefully that will come sometime this week.
I guess I just wanted to let you know what was going on, and how I was doing since that last post of mine.
On the road... walking with Jesus,
Heather
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Embracing your greatest challenge...
I found a post from Lisa Whittle on her recent trip to El Salvador with Compassion International. At the end of it she had this exhortation.
My greatest challenge lately has been seeing how depression has been coming back in waves. There are days that it is great, and I feel free. There are other days when I feel like I can't breathe.
There are days when I can release things immediately to God and rest in His presence. There are other days when I find anger and frustration (even with very little things) overtaking me.
This post of Lisa's really challenged me to, yet again, face up my depression toe to toe and not let it make me back down from doing what God wants me to... as a wife, as a mom, in my job, in my walk with Him.
In many ways I have been afraid of the challenges in my life. I have looked at them as something to put my head down and just try to get through. I still find myself fearing things at times.
Depression I have seen as my enemy, robbing me of the joy and peace that could be mine.
Yet, Lisa says that we should embrace our challenge, own it, and live it.
It's hard for me to think about embracing depression - much less to own it and live it? What's that?
I guess I have been doing that to a certain extent already. I have been living it, and it has pushed me from one place to another - a greater sense of living, maturing me, etc. Working through my depression has been a way of growing me into greater personal and spiritual discovery.
I just wish, so many times, that the depression would lift - that I would be able to enjoy life with my kids without so much of a cloud hanging over my head - that I would be able to enjoy my family without so much frustration and yes, even anger at times, hounding me.
I get tired of struggling. I get tired of having to constantly check my thoughts. I know I need to, or I will succumb to the pressure of the lies, and sink even deeper. But can't I get a rest? Can't I get a break?
The last couple of days, since maybe Thursday of this past week, have been a break for me for the most part, and I can praise God for that!
I had a good time away, borrowing a friend's house while she and her husband were gone to have a retreat day. I got just over 5 hours away. Less than I had planned, but more than I have gotten in a long time. I got to spend the rest of the weekend with family at the farm and had a long break from the kids, as they were spending time with cousins that they don't get to see too often.
Those are blessings God has given me. And I have had a break from the depressive thoughts.
I really don't like having to be reminded again and again that I need to persevere, and that I need to keep taking captive my thoughts. I know I need to, but it doesn't make it easier to do it. Especially when I am tired.
Today though, I am going to purpose to look at the positive. I am going to hang onto the truth that I am a beloved child of God, and the apple of His eye. Today I am going to walk out into the cool, bright, sunny day and enjoy it for the gift it is from God.
Another day, another choice to make.
I know this journey through depression has matured me, caused me to find new spiritual discoveries about myself. I guess I have been embracing it, facing it, challenging it, fighting it.... and yes, even owning it.
I still find it really hard to accept that this is going to be with me - probably as long as I am alive on this earth. I may never understand it, but I have to accept it, that this is a tendency of mine - towards depression as a side of weakness to the strengths and gifts God has given me.
My heart is full of the blessings God has given me. And though I may find myself leaning towards fearing what tomorrow may bring, I choose to live in the light of the grace of God today, and to rejoice in His gifts and to soak in His love for me.
May you be able to do that as well.
"Don’t be afraid of your challenge in life, whatever it is. Look it in the face and defy it. Embrace it. Own it. Live it, and let it move you to a new place of personal and spiritual discovery. Love it or hate it, you can either challenge it or it will challenge you. Challenge it, and you will win…no matter what the outcome. Because in the process, you will see with eyes of purpose and feel with new waves of passion.
You can wait, sit and wish. You can wonder what it feels like to regain a spiritual pulse. You can watch while someone else comes to a place of understanding that could be yours, if only you were willing to stop being afraid of what you don’t know.
I can’t tell you what to do, and I know you don’t want me to. All I can say is that it is my strongest belief that you find yourself in the midst of your greatest challenge."
My greatest challenge lately has been seeing how depression has been coming back in waves. There are days that it is great, and I feel free. There are other days when I feel like I can't breathe.
There are days when I can release things immediately to God and rest in His presence. There are other days when I find anger and frustration (even with very little things) overtaking me.
This post of Lisa's really challenged me to, yet again, face up my depression toe to toe and not let it make me back down from doing what God wants me to... as a wife, as a mom, in my job, in my walk with Him.
In many ways I have been afraid of the challenges in my life. I have looked at them as something to put my head down and just try to get through. I still find myself fearing things at times.
Depression I have seen as my enemy, robbing me of the joy and peace that could be mine.
Yet, Lisa says that we should embrace our challenge, own it, and live it.
It's hard for me to think about embracing depression - much less to own it and live it? What's that?
I guess I have been doing that to a certain extent already. I have been living it, and it has pushed me from one place to another - a greater sense of living, maturing me, etc. Working through my depression has been a way of growing me into greater personal and spiritual discovery.
I just wish, so many times, that the depression would lift - that I would be able to enjoy life with my kids without so much of a cloud hanging over my head - that I would be able to enjoy my family without so much frustration and yes, even anger at times, hounding me.
I get tired of struggling. I get tired of having to constantly check my thoughts. I know I need to, or I will succumb to the pressure of the lies, and sink even deeper. But can't I get a rest? Can't I get a break?
The last couple of days, since maybe Thursday of this past week, have been a break for me for the most part, and I can praise God for that!
I had a good time away, borrowing a friend's house while she and her husband were gone to have a retreat day. I got just over 5 hours away. Less than I had planned, but more than I have gotten in a long time. I got to spend the rest of the weekend with family at the farm and had a long break from the kids, as they were spending time with cousins that they don't get to see too often.
Those are blessings God has given me. And I have had a break from the depressive thoughts.
I really don't like having to be reminded again and again that I need to persevere, and that I need to keep taking captive my thoughts. I know I need to, but it doesn't make it easier to do it. Especially when I am tired.
Today though, I am going to purpose to look at the positive. I am going to hang onto the truth that I am a beloved child of God, and the apple of His eye. Today I am going to walk out into the cool, bright, sunny day and enjoy it for the gift it is from God.
Another day, another choice to make.
I know this journey through depression has matured me, caused me to find new spiritual discoveries about myself. I guess I have been embracing it, facing it, challenging it, fighting it.... and yes, even owning it.
I still find it really hard to accept that this is going to be with me - probably as long as I am alive on this earth. I may never understand it, but I have to accept it, that this is a tendency of mine - towards depression as a side of weakness to the strengths and gifts God has given me.
My heart is full of the blessings God has given me. And though I may find myself leaning towards fearing what tomorrow may bring, I choose to live in the light of the grace of God today, and to rejoice in His gifts and to soak in His love for me.
May you be able to do that as well.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Darkness creeping in....
This week I would say has "been a week."
You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.
I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.
I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.
One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.
I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.
I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.
So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?
I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.
But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.
But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?
I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.
I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.
It's really about being.
I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.
It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.
It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.
I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.
I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.
I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.
You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.
I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.
I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.
One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.
I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.
I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.
So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?
I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.
However, there is something bothering to me.
What, you ask?
I have no idea.
But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.
But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?
I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.
I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.
It's really about being.
I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.
.... and I find this depression creeping in on me....
It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.
It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.
I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.
I am so very tired.
I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.
I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.
So this is what you get.
This girlfriend.
Struggling, hurting, confused, depressed and wanting to run.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Life is good, God is better!
Last year at this time, I was looking at my life, wondering how I was possibly going to get through the new year with no counseling. I had just finished with my counselor, and was scared I couldn't do it on my own.
There were many things that He helped me do this year.
He prompted me to sign up for the conference "She Speaks" through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I prepared my talks, I went, I made new friends, I spoke... I also learned a ton!
God got me involved in the leadership team that is helping plan our church's first women's retreat (coming in February).
He also gave me a part time job as the administrator for my church.
Those are 3 big things that I didn't think I would be doing any time soon. Looking into 2009 last year, I had no idea those things were on the horizon (though I did suspect that She Speaks was).
God has blessed me in so many ways this year. Though I haven't written as much as I did the first year, I am just finishing my second year of blogging. I still have been able to write, and not just "newsy" stuff, but heart stuff too.
He has given me friendships through my blog and through Facebook that I would have never thought possible.
He helped me work through and memorize 24 verses through the Siesta 1st and 15th Scripture Memory challenge through the LPM blog. Some of them are a bit fuzzy now.... but I still have them there, and I still had them as I needed them for the circumstances I faced.
He helped me get a solo in Wausau Lyric Choir last spring. Did a major healing in me through that concert alone. And then He asked me to step down from it this year. It has made me sad, but right now, I know it would be too much and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.
I got to go, with several miracles on God's part, with a friend to the Living Proof Live event in Green Bay this year.
Jesus has led me through some life coaching with a dear friend.... and helped me walk with that same friend through some rough times of her own this fall and winter.
One thing that I didn't accomplish was getting finished with writing about She Speaks and all that I learned there. I kind of left you all hanging there... at Part 8 I think... when I was done with all my portion of the speaking, and going in to hear Jennifer Rothschild speak to us.
I guess I will have to finish up writing about She Speaks this coming year!
There is that familiar phrase that everyone uses (almost, it seems anyway) "Life is good." It's even its own clothing label now.
And that is what makes life good.
Because even in the dark, in the light, and in the in-between God is there with us. He holds us, no matter how far away we push Him.... He stays there. With us.
Always.
May God bless you and yours this day and all the ones to come.
Love,
I was right. I couldn't.
But God did.
There were many things that He helped me do this year.
He prompted me to sign up for the conference "She Speaks" through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I prepared my talks, I went, I made new friends, I spoke... I also learned a ton!
God got me involved in the leadership team that is helping plan our church's first women's retreat (coming in February).
He also gave me a part time job as the administrator for my church.
Those are 3 big things that I didn't think I would be doing any time soon. Looking into 2009 last year, I had no idea those things were on the horizon (though I did suspect that She Speaks was).
God has blessed me in so many ways this year. Though I haven't written as much as I did the first year, I am just finishing my second year of blogging. I still have been able to write, and not just "newsy" stuff, but heart stuff too.
He has given me friendships through my blog and through Facebook that I would have never thought possible.
He helped me work through and memorize 24 verses through the Siesta 1st and 15th Scripture Memory challenge through the LPM blog. Some of them are a bit fuzzy now.... but I still have them there, and I still had them as I needed them for the circumstances I faced.
He helped me get a solo in Wausau Lyric Choir last spring. Did a major healing in me through that concert alone. And then He asked me to step down from it this year. It has made me sad, but right now, I know it would be too much and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.
I got to go, with several miracles on God's part, with a friend to the Living Proof Live event in Green Bay this year.
Jesus has led me through some life coaching with a dear friend.... and helped me walk with that same friend through some rough times of her own this fall and winter.
One thing that I didn't accomplish was getting finished with writing about She Speaks and all that I learned there. I kind of left you all hanging there... at Part 8 I think... when I was done with all my portion of the speaking, and going in to hear Jennifer Rothschild speak to us.
I guess I will have to finish up writing about She Speaks this coming year!
There is that familiar phrase that everyone uses (almost, it seems anyway) "Life is good." It's even its own clothing label now.Life IS good....Whether the circumstances are good or not.... and they aren't always good...... God is in them. He is good. He loves each and every one of us so dearly.
Because GOD is good.
And that is what makes life good.
Because even in the dark, in the light, and in the in-between God is there with us. He holds us, no matter how far away we push Him.... He stays there. With us.
Always.
Life is good....
.... but God is better!
May God bless you and yours this day and all the ones to come.
Love,
Monday, December 21, 2009
Advent of Trust #21; the fruit of trusting...
Today was a special day for me. It was my birthday and my son's birthday as well.I walked into work this morning, to a "Happy Birthday" balloon attached to my desk, and cards.
I got home to a precious package from a couple who have become dear friends to me. We have only known each other through our blogs, and emails back and forth. But through just those avenues, God has blessed both of us.
The internet may be a strange way in some people's sight, to connect and make friends. But I have found that God has blessed me with friends that I would have never found otherwise. Removed by states, countries, long distance phone calls, long drives.
My blog started out as a way to communicate with a friend who was oversees for a year. It was a way to share with closer friends and family what was going on in my life, and slowly, as I got more bold, I was able to share more of my heart.
That was when God introduced me to people, and brought others to my blog. Some of us have formed connections, that though distance separates us, and sometimes long silences as well, won't easily be broken.
This couple that sent me this birthday package.. I got a rare glimpse into their home tonight. A CD accompanied a sweet, homemade gift of cookies, with the recipe. On that CD I got to see my friends, hear their voices, see their home, their pets, photos of their children. It was precious to me... so much so.
And I know that they put such love and thought into their gifts to me, and to my son. I am so blessed.
I decided that I would trust God in leading me into safe relationships through facebook and my blog. He has done just that. My horizons have been expanded by the people who have come into my life.
God has challenged me to be authentic here, to be transparent and open with all that goes on in my life (within certain limits) and I have trusted Him and written my heart, even when I was a bit scared to.
That trust has brought me many blessings, and the fruit of one of those was a dear package I got in the mail today from new friends, whose voices I got to hear for the first time.
Thank you.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Advent of Trust #20; Listen the first time
Today we sat up at the very front of church. It's something that my son insists on. He wants to be near the very front, because his AWANA leader sits in the front, and he wants to sit right behind her.So there we were in the second row, when my 3 3/4 yr. old daughter, Marina, decided to cop an attitude with me. I don't remember what it was about. I just know that during the sermon, she started pouting and loudly telling me "no" about something. Right in front of Pastor Kim.
Yeah.
That didn't go over so well with me.
I made sure she understood that if she didn't quite down we were out of there. She made more noise, and I moved her to the aisle, picked her up and made my way to the back of the church.
She started to put up a fight, kicking her legs (imagine me holding her facing away from me, sitting as if my arms were a seat... then her arching her back and kicking at the same time....)
Then she realized that everyone in the church could see her.
Everyone.
Because. we. were. in. the. front.
She stopped fighting me and I started hearing her stifling her cries.
By the time we were near the back row, she had clapped both hands over her mouth to keep her crying "inside."
As soon as we got out the doors of the sanctuary, she stopped stifling the cries, and let loose.... all the way back to the library.
There we had some privacy for some discipline. A short talk, then we walked back into the sanctuary. Marina was much better the rest of the service.
Aren't we like my daughter sometimes?
We know what we are supposed to do, we have freedom within certain limits. But we push our limits, and are reminded to stay within them or there will be consequences. Sometimes we listen. Other times, well, not so much.
When we don't listen, God has to take us, and discipline us. Sometimes we look for sympathy from others... sometimes we know and dread what's coming, and stifle our cries till we can't any longer.
But when we finally submit, surrender and seek forgiveness, how quickly the relationship is restored!
I wish I would learn to "listen the first time" as I tell my children. If I only listened the first time to my Father, I would be so much better off. I can't tell you how much grief I would have been spared, had I only listened the first time.
I am resolving to try to listen the first time to God. Even when I don't want to, or would rather drag my feet. As I have read, and tried to instill in my kids, "Slow obey is no obey." Resisting doing what God says, or telling Him that I will do it later is not obeying Him.
It's just like my daughter. She might have finally obeyed me this morning, without my having to take her out of the service. What would she have learned? It was OK to do what mommy wanted you to do, in your OWN timing, not mommy's.
Overall lesson learned? If someone wants you to do something, you can take your time at doing it... as long as it finally gets done, after lots of asking and pleading and threats.
That wouldn't apply very well to her relationship with God.
And it doesn't work very well in my relationship with God either.
Let's just say that if I had listened to God a month ago about something, I would have saved myself a month of stuffing, anxiety, fear, frustration and overall stress.
It boils back down to something I have been finding over and over again this month.
TRUST.
Trust in God.
If I fully trust Him, if He has proven Himself trustworthy (and He has) then I need to settle in for the ride and trust Him.
No matter what He tells me to do.
Just as it hurts my heart when my kids don't trust something I say, or trust me enough to do something I want them to that's out of their comfort zone, how much more does it hurt our Father's heart when I don't trust Him?
I don't want to do that any more.
Let's work together.
Let's "listen the first time."
Friday, December 18, 2009
Advent of Trust #17; He likes me....
Our small group has been reading through a book by Bruce Wilkinson called "Secrets of the Vine." We read a chapter a week and then discuss it when we come together again.This week we were talking about really abiding in God's presence. He talks about how abiding isn't doing more for God. Abiding is about a relationship, the most important friendship in our lives. In our world it is so hard for us to stop doing and just be.
It takes letting go of our control and letting God take over. The world will go on without us, believe it or not!
But how many of us really want to let go of that control? Especially if we feel that God doesn't like us?
"If our need for this relationship [a deep, abiding friendship] is so deep and constant, why do so few of us fervently pursue it? One of the primary reasons, I'm convinced, is that we don't really believe God likes us. Sure, we believe God loves us in a theological sense (God loves everybody, right?), but we don't feel particularly like by Him. We're convinced that He remembers all the bad things we've done in the past and is quick to judge how we're doing now. We assume He's impatient, busy with more important things, and reluctant to spend time with us. Why would you want to spend time with a person who felt that way about you?"
I know there were so many times in the past that I have had struggles with how I feel God views me. It's more because of how I viewed myself, and I assumed that God viewed me the same way.
It isn't as bad anymore. There are many days where I feel very secure with God, knowing that He loves me and likes me. He created me (and you) and delights in us. As that has sunk into my head and heart, it has become more of a part of me.
There are still times when I don't find myself hanging onto that. There are times when I feel that God is not liking me very much and holding past offenses, past sins against me. The old thoughts, the old lies take over.
But when I look at the past and what God has done for me, I remember to trust in His care for me, His love for me and that He not only likes me, but delights in me.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
God's warmth and light....
The night falls so swiftly now.
Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!
I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.
I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.
How God met me in that warmth!
He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.
As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.
I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!
My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.
Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.
Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.
I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.
I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.
He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.
Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.
And then again....
Maybe He won't.
All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.
It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.
A family within a family.
Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.
The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.
It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.
God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.
He brings light from the darkness.
Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.
I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.
He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.
Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!
I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.
I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.
How God met me in that warmth!
He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.
As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.
I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!
My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.
Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.
Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.
I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.
I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.
He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.
Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.
And then again....
Maybe He won't.
All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.
It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.
A family within a family.
Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.
The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.
It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.
God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.
He brings light from the darkness.
Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.
I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.
He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.
Friday, October 16, 2009
This week and prayers...
This week has been a long one.
This week has been a good one too.
I have started getting oriented to my new job. Bonus is, the person doing my orientation is Cindy, one of my best friends.
Another bonus?
My bosses are my pastors
Their boss?
Well, you know... :)
All in all, it is a pretty good job.
My husband is my tech support, so he is going to get up to the church in the next day or two, and assess my computer, the secretary's computer and our senior pastor's computer. All three are running really slow and need help. So we are going to get everything set up so that our computers are running smoothly.
I was thrilled and upbeat about the job.
Then the amount of hours started kicking in.
The lack of time with my family.
The rushing back and forth.
By the end of the night Wednesday, the "bloom" was gone.
I am still excited about the job, but there are other things.
It is a lot of driving back and forth. But the benefits of working in a safe environment are enormous. The long hours and staff meetings too their toll on me. But knowing I am where God wants me to be is huge.
I have no doubt that I am here because God wanted me to be.
But yesterday and today I was really struggling.
Emotionally.
I am going to mention this because I know that I need prayer support. NOT because I am advocating one thing or another.
With my doctor's approval, I have stopped taking my Welbutrin, my anti-depressant. I am staying on my other daily medications, and my other meds I am using as needed. But I want to see if a lot of my problems were related to unresolved issues and pain from the past.
I have dealt with so many things and done so much growing, that I know I am in a way better place than I ever have been before. Though I do have a new job, it is a place I know I am safe, and where I have someone available to talk if I need to. There are stressors as I and my family transition through to finding out what is going to work best with us. But God is at work there as well.
I have been off it for about 4 weeks. I am starting to notice a difference.
My doctor told me that it would take me about 3-4 months for my body and brain to adjust the chemistry, to see where I am at. I am not entirely looking forward to the next 2-3 months. Thankfully I am through the first month.
Somehow, I think that might be the easiest month!
Really, I do want to go through with this. If, by the time Christmas is over, and we are into January or so, I find that things are still not going well, I will notify my doctor and start back up on the Welbutrin.
I hope this blog doesn't become about that... but at the same time, it was about my journey through my struggles with God, and my way out of depression. So, who knows where this will lead.
Cindy already knows that I am off my one medication. I asked her today to help me. I know that I need someone outside of myself to really keep an eye on how I am doing. She is one of the few people that I talk to at least 2 or more times a week. She also has been there when I have been in the deepest, darkest places. She was the person who took me to the hospital the second time I ended up on the mental health unit.
She has seen the worst case scenario.
I trust her judgment. If she says that she doesn't feel that I am adjusting well enough, or that I am not myself anymore, even 4-5 months out from here.... as hard as it would be to hear, I would trust that, call my doctor, and go back on my anti-depressant.
Please pray for me. I need discernment as I go through this process. So does Cindy and my husband, Dave. We need protection from the enemy. He would love to take down my family through this. That I do know. There is no way that Satan wants our family to stay unified, and grow in Christ. There is no way that the enemy wants us as a family, or individuals, to minister in Jesus name to people around us. There is no way the devil wants me to be effective and successful in my position at church.
He will use anything in our personal lives, in our faith walks, and in our thoughts to waylay us from God's purpose and plan.
We need prayer more than ever.
My stepping into a very visible ministry has put even more of a target on us.
Not that I am going to be living in fear! I know that our God is victorious and has already won the ultimate war. We can claim that victory,
I can claim that victory.
I need to know, however, that my brothers and sisters in Christ are standing in the gap for me.
Thank you in advance for your prayers.
I love you all.
There is so much more to say, but I am just too tired to write more.
Maybe I can continue tomorrow. :)
I plan on it... whether it will actually happen or not is up to God!
I am off to sleep so I can spend the rest of the weekend with my family, until I have to go to work again (wow is that weird to say!!! :) )
This week has been a good one too.
I have started getting oriented to my new job. Bonus is, the person doing my orientation is Cindy, one of my best friends.
Another bonus?
My bosses are my pastors
Their boss?
Well, you know... :)
All in all, it is a pretty good job.
My husband is my tech support, so he is going to get up to the church in the next day or two, and assess my computer, the secretary's computer and our senior pastor's computer. All three are running really slow and need help. So we are going to get everything set up so that our computers are running smoothly.
I was thrilled and upbeat about the job.
Then the amount of hours started kicking in.
The lack of time with my family.
The rushing back and forth.
By the end of the night Wednesday, the "bloom" was gone.
I am still excited about the job, but there are other things.
It is a lot of driving back and forth. But the benefits of working in a safe environment are enormous. The long hours and staff meetings too their toll on me. But knowing I am where God wants me to be is huge.
I have no doubt that I am here because God wanted me to be.
But yesterday and today I was really struggling.
Emotionally.
I am going to mention this because I know that I need prayer support. NOT because I am advocating one thing or another.
With my doctor's approval, I have stopped taking my Welbutrin, my anti-depressant. I am staying on my other daily medications, and my other meds I am using as needed. But I want to see if a lot of my problems were related to unresolved issues and pain from the past.
I have dealt with so many things and done so much growing, that I know I am in a way better place than I ever have been before. Though I do have a new job, it is a place I know I am safe, and where I have someone available to talk if I need to. There are stressors as I and my family transition through to finding out what is going to work best with us. But God is at work there as well.
I have been off it for about 4 weeks. I am starting to notice a difference.
My doctor told me that it would take me about 3-4 months for my body and brain to adjust the chemistry, to see where I am at. I am not entirely looking forward to the next 2-3 months. Thankfully I am through the first month.
Somehow, I think that might be the easiest month!
Really, I do want to go through with this. If, by the time Christmas is over, and we are into January or so, I find that things are still not going well, I will notify my doctor and start back up on the Welbutrin.
I hope this blog doesn't become about that... but at the same time, it was about my journey through my struggles with God, and my way out of depression. So, who knows where this will lead.
Cindy already knows that I am off my one medication. I asked her today to help me. I know that I need someone outside of myself to really keep an eye on how I am doing. She is one of the few people that I talk to at least 2 or more times a week. She also has been there when I have been in the deepest, darkest places. She was the person who took me to the hospital the second time I ended up on the mental health unit.
She has seen the worst case scenario.
I trust her judgment. If she says that she doesn't feel that I am adjusting well enough, or that I am not myself anymore, even 4-5 months out from here.... as hard as it would be to hear, I would trust that, call my doctor, and go back on my anti-depressant.
Please pray for me. I need discernment as I go through this process. So does Cindy and my husband, Dave. We need protection from the enemy. He would love to take down my family through this. That I do know. There is no way that Satan wants our family to stay unified, and grow in Christ. There is no way that the enemy wants us as a family, or individuals, to minister in Jesus name to people around us. There is no way the devil wants me to be effective and successful in my position at church.
He will use anything in our personal lives, in our faith walks, and in our thoughts to waylay us from God's purpose and plan.
We need prayer more than ever.
My stepping into a very visible ministry has put even more of a target on us.
Not that I am going to be living in fear! I know that our God is victorious and has already won the ultimate war. We can claim that victory,
I can claim that victory.
I need to know, however, that my brothers and sisters in Christ are standing in the gap for me.
Thank you in advance for your prayers.
I love you all.
There is so much more to say, but I am just too tired to write more.
Maybe I can continue tomorrow. :)
I plan on it... whether it will actually happen or not is up to God!
I am off to sleep so I can spend the rest of the weekend with my family, until I have to go to work again (wow is that weird to say!!! :) )
Friday, September 11, 2009
I'm afraid of the dark
It's dark.
I am standing at the edge, my toes curling over it, to keep myself steady.
There is nothing to hang on to.
Nothing to see, no glimmer of light.
It's noisy.
I never knew the darkness could be filled with such sound.
Yelling voices compete for my attention.
Tumultuous. Roaring confusion distracting me.
I am wavering.
I am on the brink.
He wants me to drop something and jump.
Drop what? There are so many things that I have in my arms, on my back.
What in the world am I supposed to do?
I can't see.
There is no glimmer of light.
Maybe if I let go of something dear to me, but not as dear as the others?
Would that satisfy?
I'm afraid not.
I'm afraid.
The noise, like waves, crash over me again with the fear.
Underneath there is the hiss.
Like the breath the ocean breathes before the waves crash in again....
....in that breath....
I hear just a hint of music.
It's Him.
It's His voice.
I know it so well.
But the cacophony of sounds around me...
The waves pounding over me....
Exhaustion is taking its toll...
And I am still teetering on the edge.
His voice...
Calling...
Reminding me...
Dare I believe?
I know He wants me to jump.
Drop what I am holding and jump.
I can't see.
I don't have to see.
He knows what is ahead.
He is reaching out for my hands.
To grab His, I have to drop what I am holding onto so tightly.
I am still standing on that edge... paralyzed.
I'm afraid of the dark.
The following words are ones with which I closed an email to a to a dear sweet friend. They made me think of the above post. These words were the prompting of what I wrote from the storm in my heart.
Oh God, to give me that courage. I need you. I need to hear your voice whispering to me. Please sing over me this night, that I might wake refreshed and ready for the new day, filled with your hope, even in the light of needing to let something go for this season. Satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love, that I may rejoice and be glad all my days. Please do that for all of us who are hurting, faced with tough decisions, or are going through storms or safe harbors, Lord.
Give us the courage to keep following you. We need to persevere so that when we have done your will, we will receive what you have promised. (Heb. 10:36) Help us to never give up, and never give in.
I love you, and I long to honor you, in all I do. You are my King, and you are my Lord, the Lord of my life... the One who breathes new life into my heart, turning it from broken glass into living flesh, healing it, and making it whole again.
Help me to remember what you showed me today... you are holding onto my hands just as hard as I am holding onto yours. You won't let go. You ask me to jump, and You won't let me fall. Thank you, Jesus.
I am standing at the edge, my toes curling over it, to keep myself steady.
There is nothing to hang on to.
Nothing to see, no glimmer of light.
It's noisy.
I never knew the darkness could be filled with such sound.
Yelling voices compete for my attention.
Tumultuous. Roaring confusion distracting me.
I am wavering.
I am on the brink.
He wants me to drop something and jump.
Drop what? There are so many things that I have in my arms, on my back.
What in the world am I supposed to do?
I can't see.
There is no glimmer of light.
Maybe if I let go of something dear to me, but not as dear as the others?
Would that satisfy?
I'm afraid not.
I'm afraid.
The noise, like waves, crash over me again with the fear.
Underneath there is the hiss.
Like the breath the ocean breathes before the waves crash in again....
....in that breath....
I hear just a hint of music.
It's Him.
It's His voice.
I know it so well.
But the cacophony of sounds around me...
The waves pounding over me....
Exhaustion is taking its toll...
And I am still teetering on the edge.
His voice...
Calling...
Reminding me...
"I know the plans I have for you.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
Dare I believe?
I know He wants me to jump.
Drop what I am holding and jump.
I can't see.
I don't have to see.
He knows what is ahead.
He is reaching out for my hands.
To grab His, I have to drop what I am holding onto so tightly.
I am still standing on that edge... paralyzed.
I'm afraid of the dark.
-------------------
The following words are ones with which I closed an email to a to a dear sweet friend. They made me think of the above post. These words were the prompting of what I wrote from the storm in my heart.
"I am afraid to jump, and not ask how high or where to. I can’t see, and I am scared of the dark.
God give me courage. Even though I can’t see in this dark, help my heart know what it is you want me to do."
-------------------
Oh God, to give me that courage. I need you. I need to hear your voice whispering to me. Please sing over me this night, that I might wake refreshed and ready for the new day, filled with your hope, even in the light of needing to let something go for this season. Satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love, that I may rejoice and be glad all my days. Please do that for all of us who are hurting, faced with tough decisions, or are going through storms or safe harbors, Lord.
Give us the courage to keep following you. We need to persevere so that when we have done your will, we will receive what you have promised. (Heb. 10:36) Help us to never give up, and never give in.
I love you, and I long to honor you, in all I do. You are my King, and you are my Lord, the Lord of my life... the One who breathes new life into my heart, turning it from broken glass into living flesh, healing it, and making it whole again.
Help me to remember what you showed me today... you are holding onto my hands just as hard as I am holding onto yours. You won't let go. You ask me to jump, and You won't let me fall. Thank you, Jesus.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Trust, dwell, enjoy, delight...
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:3-4
This was the bible verse I picked out as my scripture memory verse for September 1st. I have needed it.
School started on the first.
Awana starts for the kids on the 9th.
Next week starts my bible study.
We went to Milwaukee this past weekend for a "last blast" of fun with the kids. We got to enjoy some great weather. A trip to the Milwaukee zoo and to a beach along Lake Michigan rounded out the busy weekend. The kids had a blast and so did we, but I am still reeling from the busyness of it all.
Then as things seemed to start going wrong, yesterday I found myself back into old, bad habits. It never fails. I get going so well, I feel that there has been a break through somewhere in my life, or relationships, and then I fall so fast. Of course the enemy is right there to attack and try to cause us to stumble unless we are on the lookout. He wants to get in there and steal our joy.
I have been reminded today, from 2 sources to trust in the Lord, and to not lean on my own understanding.
Lo and behold, as I went back to my scripture verse, guess what? The very first line it says, Trust in the Lord and do good. Gee, you think God was on to something when He impressed on me to work on this verse?
I haven't done the greatest with this lately. I have worried and bothered about all sorts of things. My husband said that it was ok for me to do soem new things this year. He wants the kids to be in Awana.. which is great, but it is another thing to add it. I want to be in Wausau Lyric Choir, which I have been in since 2002. Dave said he was fine with that as long as I didn't complain when he picked up extra hours at work, if it interfered with some of my plans, etc.
I am adding in a bible study next week, in the mornings, which I can take Marina to, while Peter is in school. I am so looking forward to that......
Oh, and did I mention that I have applied for a job at our church and interviews will probably be starting at the end of the month?!
Hmmm. So I look at my schedule, and I start to worry.
Trust in the Lord.
This time of busyness, the time of my son being in school, things that I am doing, the ramped up activities, while none are bad, stress me out. But these things, and the house that I want to take care of, and my husband, whom I don't ever want to push to the background, is the land in which I live. I need to dwell in the land.
That means to me that I have to really settle down here and not wish for another time, or a way around the difficulties. I can enjoy this as safe pasture. God is with me here. It is safe. It is where He has placed me and He wants me to enjoy it.
Then I need to delight myself in the Lord. To really delight, to throw my head back and laugh for the sheer joy of His presence.
When was the last time we did that?
Trusting in Him
Doing good
Dwelling
Enjoying
Delighting
These are the things that we should be doing. These are the things we should be pointing our souls to. These are the things that will give us peace and the joy that we truly long for.
It isn't easy. My temperament tends towards the melancholy. I tend to get too introspective and miss the joy around me. I tend to forget what it is to so delight in God that the very desires of my heart match up with His.
He will give me the desires of my heart. I need to ask and pray and trust Him. He only wants to give good things to His children. Even if I pray and I don't see any results, He is there, He listens, He cares and He delights over us.
I just need to be patient and wait.
That's the hardest part isn't it?
In the wait, He asks us to do these things...
Trust
Dwell
Enjoy
Delight
Are those words part of your vocabulary?
They are starting to become mine.
More so as I memorize this scripture and really meditate on it.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:3-4
Saturday, August 22, 2009
HE confirms, She learns... She Speaks Part 7
I was still afraid that I was making it up in my head. I was still afraid that I was taking something that could be too "sensational" and that it would distract from the rest of the message I really felt led to share.
Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?
Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?
I walked into "Crafting a Noticed and Needed Message," by Karen Ehman.
Yup. That was the title.
Love how God does those things!
Now I had prayed through and picked these break out sessions well before I ever went to She Speaks. God orchestrated everything to be exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.
I could probably write a book about what Karen shared. I will try not to! But as she talked it became very apparent that I had to share the story God wanted me to. One of the first things I wrote down was this quote.
You can do teaching couched in your own story that only you can tell.
I have the right to talk about my story.
In my stories I need to be real and honest.
Hmm.
God will always be stretching you in the area of your talk.
No wonder I found it so hard in the weeks leading up to She Speaks to believe that God had really called me there, and that I struggled so hard with feeling loved by Him, no matter what. My friend, Cindy had shared that was one of the things that she always found. She was stretched and challenged on the very things that she would be teaching on in a talk, the whole time she was preparing. I believed her, but had to be reminded frequently before my trip!!!
One of the big things I took away from there (among others) was that I need to be "stuffing my files." Remembering, noticing, writing down incidents, quotes, stories and making note of where I got them from. Create a folder on my computer to quickly type down something to remind myself and save it frequently.
Karen shared about five different areas to crafting a needed message.
- Prepare. (stuffing files, praying)
- Write.
- Practice. (recording self regularly, using family and friends to practice on)
- Deliver. (using silence, no vocal crutches)
- Live. (don't just preach it, but live it)
All of those were so good, and I was able to use them right on the spot with my talk. But there was a problem. I wish I had this information well before I had crafted my 5 min. talk. I had no time to completely rewrite it and make if flow better. I wanted to use all the things she talked about in the "writing" portion and incorporate them into my talk.
I just had to let that go.
One of the things she challenged us to do within the next week of leaving She Speaks, I have yet to do.
It's on my "list!"
First I need to pray about it, but then name 2-3 areas that I feel God is calling me to speak on. I have to pick an example/illustration from life, one from an outside source, and then pick one passage of scripture... for each of those areas. After that, I need to craft the skeleton of those talks.
That is definitely something I want to do. I am slowly coming out of my exhaustion, but have been slow to pick up on life, and start doing the things around the house I want to.
I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for letting my son go. He is heading into the "big" elementary school this year, to kindergarten. He is looking forward to it. I am wondering how it is going to change our lives.
Hmm.
Maybe there is a talk in there somewhere.
Another thing to stuff in a file folder?
It's funny how the more I write about what I learned, and go over my notes again, I find it all applying to and weaving into my life around me now. It's strange and good at the same time. So rarely have I come back from a conference and been able to retain, and recognize how things I have learned there work into my "everyday" life.
When I went into my next session by Wendy Pope, “Teaching by the Book,” I learned even more about preparing a talk. She really went in depth about using the online resources available. She gave websites and everything. It’s amazing to me just how much there is out there.
I was like a kid in a candy store! I love studying and writing and researching. Finding all these different things, well, I can’t wait to use them!
There is so much Wendy talked about that I am going to use the next time I prepare a message. Again, I was disappointed that I couldn’t use some of the stuff she shared in preparation for my 5 min. talk.
Again, I had to let it go.
A few key things she said that I just saw in my notes.
You can never pray enough.
Pray for everything God lays on your heart.
Pray for passion for His message for the event.
Ask God to give you ears to hear and eyes to see.
God speaks in more places than you church.
After Wendy's break out session, I talked with Katie. She had to go to our room and finish up her talk, and practice. I had to do the same, so I told her she could have the room, and I found a secluded corner of the atrium in the hotel, and curled up with my bible, journal and talk.
I sat, praying, journaling, and finally crying (yes, again….) as I tried to prepare myself for sharing not only the 5 min. talk, but my heart and the story God had told me to share.
I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.
Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…
(to be continued)
Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…
(to be continued)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Series "interrupt-us"
Everyone, I am so sorry that I have been so lax at continuing all that happened at She Speaks. It was incredible, I am still processing, and life has had a way of taking over everything this week.
I woke with a horrible headache this morning, and it never really went away.
I went back to bed when my hubby got up, because I couldn't function.
I slept till noon.
I got up and pretended to be functional while my kids played around me and I stared off into space.
Then after I finally stirred myself to make the kids supper (I couldn't eat, my stomach was still too sick from the headache) we went for a walk.
I didn't go far, just to a neighbors a few blocks away.
She and I sat and talked while the kids played in her back yard....
...until Peter got hit in the nose with something, panicked and bled all over the place.
We came home once his nose stopped bleeding, I built a fire in our fire pit, and settled down out there with the kids, till it was way past their bedtime, but the stars had come out and they were thrilled to look up and see so many of them.
They went to bed, I went back outside for a bit longer, and now am heading to bed to try to keep this headache from getting worse.
I know that my Thursday will be very busy, but I hope to get back to the series again, God willing, tomorrow. Otherwise it might not be till the weekend!!! (Yikes, sorry about that)
Sometimes that is just the way life is.... it seems to interrupt us.
God, please help me through tomorrow and the rest of this week. You know what it is all going to look like. You know exactly what I need for each day. Please bless the coming days with sweet times of fellowship, joyful times with my family, and precious time with You, Lord. Thank You for Your strengthening power... sustaining me, and all of us, all our days. I love you, Amen.
I woke with a horrible headache this morning, and it never really went away.
I went back to bed when my hubby got up, because I couldn't function.
I slept till noon.
I got up and pretended to be functional while my kids played around me and I stared off into space.
Then after I finally stirred myself to make the kids supper (I couldn't eat, my stomach was still too sick from the headache) we went for a walk.
I didn't go far, just to a neighbors a few blocks away.
She and I sat and talked while the kids played in her back yard....
...until Peter got hit in the nose with something, panicked and bled all over the place.
We came home once his nose stopped bleeding, I built a fire in our fire pit, and settled down out there with the kids, till it was way past their bedtime, but the stars had come out and they were thrilled to look up and see so many of them.
They went to bed, I went back outside for a bit longer, and now am heading to bed to try to keep this headache from getting worse.
I know that my Thursday will be very busy, but I hope to get back to the series again, God willing, tomorrow. Otherwise it might not be till the weekend!!! (Yikes, sorry about that)
Sometimes that is just the way life is.... it seems to interrupt us.
God, please help me through tomorrow and the rest of this week. You know what it is all going to look like. You know exactly what I need for each day. Please bless the coming days with sweet times of fellowship, joyful times with my family, and precious time with You, Lord. Thank You for Your strengthening power... sustaining me, and all of us, all our days. I love you, Amen.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
VBS here I come!!!!
Well, here comes life this week... full force!
It could be very much a life overload this week!!
Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.
That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.
I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )
I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.
I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.
So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!
If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!
It could be very much a life overload this week!!
Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.
That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.
I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )
I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.
I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.
So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!
If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Another Friday Fill in, finally!!!
Ok, so I haven't done one of these in a really long time, but I thought I would join back in the fun. Each time the last month I have thought of it, it has been way too late in the weekend or into early the next week. I keep saying I will come back, but here I am and it's been months! So, here is a light post for late at night (and technically Saturday, my time!)
Come read other Friday Fill in's and join in the fun yourself!
And...here we go!
1. Apparently there's some sort of rule that spring/summer gets to tease us for months.. i.e. one day of 70-80 degree weather, and the next day back in the 40's cloudy and rainy.
2. Today was, praise God (!!!) a warm and sunny day. (and man did I NEED it!!!)
3. 2009 has had its ups and downs so far, but God has been drawing me closer and closer into His embrace, and into a deeper longing for Him and His Word. I can't wait to see what He has for me next.
4. It's like God flipped a switch and that was it. I have found it easier to memorize scripture in the past 4-5 months than ever before in my life!
5. For too long I've been living wounded, depressed and fearful. No more. God is the Great Physician and His healing lasts forever! My God is my security, strength, joy and peace. Nothing can take that from me anymore!
6. I am not obsessed with reading and writing; I am not! (Though I am working on my 25th journal since Jan. of 1998, and can read a book in one sitting, if given the opportunity... and have been known to read books in a bookstore, and never buy them cause I have read them before I leave the store... ahem)
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to listening to the rain and thunder as I fall asleep, tomorrow my plans include finishing cleaning (some) in the house, seeing my parents and singing in my choir concert and Sunday, I want to celebrate with the Lord and His people, and finish my final concert of the year singing strong and for my God!
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