Busy week, in more ways than one

It's been a very busy week.  I am very tired and fighting a cold. 

Our church is hosting our district's Annual Meeting and Celebration.  That means that I am the point person for the church, pulling people in to help with decorations, hosting, ushering, food, media and sound, building set up, child care - among many other things.

I have been running my tail off this week because we have had meetings and I have been making many phone calls to get everything sorted out.

The meeting is next week Friday and Saturday, so if I am rather absent here in the next week, please forgive me.  I just have so much to do, and so much on my mind.

The theme for the Annual Meeting is "Getting back to Basics:  Prayer."  So I have someone who jumped onto my team, who is so fired up about praying for everyone coming.  She has organized our church to literally cover every single person in prayer.  There are people who grabbed someone's name, filled out a card to let them know they were praying for them and slipped it into an envelope with their name on it.  Those will be put into everyone's registration packets.  They then keep the person's name and pray for them throughout the next week or so, and just pray as God leads them to.

It has been amazing to feel the prayers of people.  Once this dear lady jumped in and started really organizing the prayer for the event, I have been feeling entirely different about how things are going.  God is so good that way.  She was an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine that someone would be there that I could call on to pray for me, whatever it was, and whenever.  She has. 

As we move into this next week, again things will be very busy, but there are things going on personally that will add to the stress unless I am able to let them go to hang onto God, or as I said in my last post, let Him hang onto me.

I went through counseling with Tricia this past week.  By the time I was done, I was feeling so sick to my stomach.  It took me nearly an hour before I trusted myself enough to drive home.  I just sat in the parking lot in my car.

God lifted me above those intense emotions and reactions to the things we were talking about this week as I have had other things I have needed to deal with.  I am so grateful He does that.  He has sustained me this week. 

Of course the last couple of days I have been staying with Him pretty intensely as I have been working on catching up on my Breaking Free Bible Study.  This study has been amazing.  We just finished Week 4, and I know there is much more to go, but God has been using it already in seeing patterns and areas where truly I am still in bondage.  After talking to Tricia, and then working through the bible study homework, God revealed to me some areas that I am going to have to really work on.  Not easy stuff, but worth it in the long run.

There are a couple of assignments that Tricia gave me that I have to do in the next 10 days or so.  I need to have them done by the Monday after the Annual Meeting.  I am going to be taking off the 25th and 26th from work to recover from the weekend, and I have my appointment with Tricia that Monday afternoon.  I am hoping that I don't have to do my "homework" from her that morning, but if I have to, I will. 

My heart hurts thinking about it though.  I don't want to have to do what she is asking me to, and what I feel God is asking me to.  It's difficult though I know it will bring further healing.  I don't know if I will ever get beyond the depression, or the struggle with it.  Knowing the why's or the answers to the questions doesn't help either, because I still have to deal with it.

I would like to do it ahead of time and get it out of the way.  But with the multitude of responsibilities I have for the Annual Meeting, I just am afraid these things will stir up way too many emotions.  I know that God can handle it, that He can cover it and give me the strength to do all things.  I just need prayer that I will know when to do what He wants me to do.

It makes it all harder to look at with any clarity when I am feeling sick.  I have to sing during the Annual Meeting at several different points for the worship team.  It's an added thing on top of the responsibilities I have, being available for the district executive administrator to help her with anything she needs.  I am glad to do it.  I feel that God has called me to sing and help lead worship.  With this cold, however, it will be difficult to sing if it doesn't clear up quickly!

As you can see I have a lot on my plate in the next week...  and it's not just the Annual Meeting.  My brain feels fried, and there are so many things I want to do, need to do, and should do that I am not quite sure where to start.

Thank you for listening to my babble! :)  I will be praying for all of you as God brings you to my heart and mind, but I may not be able to be around for a visit for a little bit.

If something comes up this week that I need to share, I will pop on here again, but again it all depends on how things go.

Sledding and fun and God's abundant blessings

Today was a wonderful break in the week. It was a wonderful time of rest and fun.

I went sledding with my family and a good friend, at her family's house. They live just outside the edge of town, and at the back of their property have a huge hill.

Note the Dave and the kids going down the huge hill. I believe this is relatively early on in the afternoon, but am unsure!


We got there, and immediately this kids were grabbing sleds and heading for the hill. They were so excited. We got many great pictures, and had many wipe outs and belly laughs.

This is Peter and my friend, Angela on one of the many wipe outs!


The first time my daughter went down the hill with me, I could feel her giggling all the way! This is her and daddy going down.


We had so much fun.

And I am going to be SO sore tomorrow!

Here are a few pictures from the day.


You can tell the kids had a blast, and so did we. I needed this fun today, especially after how this week went for me.

It was a hard one, and very up and down. I started it on such a positive note on Monday. I felt really good, and was ready to go. I don't exactly know what happened. However, it wasn't pretty!

By Wednesday, I was dealing with not only depression, but exhaustion. There has been so much that has happened within the last few weeks, that I just really haven't recouped very well.

I hadn't been sleeping well at night, and I hadn't been eating healthy, and by Wednesday I could hardly keep my eyes open at my desk. As a matter of fact, I truly don't remember much of the day. And it got worse and worse.

Finally I decided to throw in the towel and go home to try to rest before worship rehearsal later that night.

I called my friend, Cindy, and we chatted briefly before I left the church. I know she was very concerned about me, especially when I didn't even have the energy to really answer any questions she was throwing my way. Seriously.

As we were talking, it occurred to her that I didn't have the kids, and wasn't responsible for them, as it was Dave's "Daddy Day" with them. Her husband was gone for the night, so she said, "Why are we still talking on the phone, get over here!"

So, I did.

I swear to you, I hardly remember the drive there. When I got there, we settled down to watch a short video that she was finishing up, then talked a bit, but I felt really incoherent. She just let me do what I needed to, chill out and not have to talk to much. I was just so under the weather, that I really couldn't even feel anything, which is very strange for me!

She fixed me supper, and as we ate and talked and prayed together, I started to feel more marginally human.

By the time I had to leave to get to the church for worship team, I was a bit more like myself. She stood with me by the door, and as she gave me a hug, prayed over me.

I didn't even cry.
Me. Not. Cry.
Not even a tear.

That's unheard of! :)

Worship rehearsal went well that night, better than it had any right to. I do remember most of the details about the rehearsal. I remember being able to worship God, right in the middle of dealing with technical stuff too.

The power of praise cannot be over rated!

I got eight hours of sleep that night when I got home.

The power of a good night's sleep cannot be over rated, either!

Slowly this week, as I have been sleeping better, and sort of eating better, I have improved.

It was really scary looking back at the day Wednesday and realizing that I really didn't remember what had gone on during the day. It is like that day is wiped out. I mean, I know I was at church, that I did some work on the computer, that I answered the phone some, and talked to people. But honestly, the details are all gone. All I do remember is feeling physically, and mentally, and emotionally exhausted and awful.

I am working on clinging to the truth. God has placed me in Ephesians, Chapter 1 for a while... and I need to soak up that and Psalm 139 for a while. I need to re-establish my identity in Christ, and take a "refresher" course.

Please pray that I would be able to so be washed in the water of His word, that I will find all the dirty and lies washed away, and so that I will see the lies for what they are, because I know what the truth is. Knowing the lies, not because I studied them, but because I study the truth, and the lies can't hold a candle to that!

I am so grateful that today was so much better.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with my family and a good friend.

I am so grateful that tomorrow is another day, fresh with the prospect of joy and closeness with God. I lead worship at church this weekend, tomorrow, and am excited to see what God is going to do in me - and in our congregation.

I choose to trust that He is with me, even when I don't see it or feel it. He gave me Cindy on Wednesday to come alongside me and just minister healing and peace to me. He gave me the power of His praise that night to break through the numbness surrounding my heart. He gave me a wonderfully healing night's sleep to enable me to be more mentally strong the next day.

I know God can do all of that and more. So I choose to trust Him tonight, and tomorrow. May I always make that choice!

This week and prayers...

This week has been a long one.

This week has been a good one too.

I have started getting oriented to my new job. Bonus is, the person doing my orientation is Cindy, one of my best friends.

Another bonus?

My bosses are my pastors
Their boss?
Well, you know... :)

All in all, it is a pretty good job.

My husband is my tech support, so he is going to get up to the church in the next day or two, and assess my computer, the secretary's computer and our senior pastor's computer. All three are running really slow and need help. So we are going to get everything set up so that our computers are running smoothly.

I was thrilled and upbeat about the job.

Then the amount of hours started kicking in.
The lack of time with my family.
The rushing back and forth.

By the end of the night Wednesday, the "bloom" was gone.

I am still excited about the job, but there are other things.

It is a lot of driving back and forth. But the benefits of working in a safe environment are enormous. The long hours and staff meetings too their toll on me. But knowing I am where God wants me to be is huge.

I have no doubt that I am here because God wanted me to be.

But yesterday and today I was really struggling.
Emotionally.

I am going to mention this because I know that I need prayer support. NOT because I am advocating one thing or another.

With my doctor's approval, I have stopped taking my Welbutrin, my anti-depressant. I am staying on my other daily medications, and my other meds I am using as needed. But I want to see if a lot of my problems were related to unresolved issues and pain from the past.

I have dealt with so many things and done so much growing, that I know I am in a way better place than I ever have been before. Though I do have a new job, it is a place I know I am safe, and where I have someone available to talk if I need to. There are stressors as I and my family transition through to finding out what is going to work best with us. But God is at work there as well.

I have been off it for about 4 weeks. I am starting to notice a difference.

My doctor told me that it would take me about 3-4 months for my body and brain to adjust the chemistry, to see where I am at. I am not entirely looking forward to the next 2-3 months. Thankfully I am through the first month.

Somehow, I think that might be the easiest month!

Really, I do want to go through with this. If, by the time Christmas is over, and we are into January or so, I find that things are still not going well, I will notify my doctor and start back up on the Welbutrin.

I hope this blog doesn't become about that... but at the same time, it was about my journey through my struggles with God, and my way out of depression. So, who knows where this will lead.

Cindy already knows that I am off my one medication. I asked her today to help me. I know that I need someone outside of myself to really keep an eye on how I am doing. She is one of the few people that I talk to at least 2 or more times a week. She also has been there when I have been in the deepest, darkest places. She was the person who took me to the hospital the second time I ended up on the mental health unit.

She has seen the worst case scenario.

I trust her judgment. If she says that she doesn't feel that I am adjusting well enough, or that I am not myself anymore, even 4-5 months out from here.... as hard as it would be to hear, I would trust that, call my doctor, and go back on my anti-depressant.

Please pray for me. I need discernment as I go through this process. So does Cindy and my husband, Dave. We need protection from the enemy. He would love to take down my family through this. That I do know. There is no way that Satan wants our family to stay unified, and grow in Christ. There is no way that the enemy wants us as a family, or individuals, to minister in Jesus name to people around us. There is no way the devil wants me to be effective and successful in my position at church.

He will use anything in our personal lives, in our faith walks, and in our thoughts to waylay us from God's purpose and plan.

We need prayer more than ever.
My stepping into a very visible ministry has put even more of a target on us.

Not that I am going to be living in fear! I know that our God is victorious and has already won the ultimate war. We can claim that victory,
I can claim that victory.

I need to know, however, that my brothers and sisters in Christ are standing in the gap for me.

Thank you in advance for your prayers.

I love you all.

There is so much more to say, but I am just too tired to write more.
Maybe I can continue tomorrow. :)
I plan on it... whether it will actually happen or not is up to God!

I am off to sleep so I can spend the rest of the weekend with my family, until I have to go to work again (wow is that weird to say!!! :) )