truth meeting lies...

I wrote so much last week, having to write that "no send" letter, that I was out of a lot of words, once I wrote about it here last Wednesday.  Now here it is a week later, and a new year, and I find I haven't written at all.

Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me.  I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep well over the weekend.  I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running.  Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours.  I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.

I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.

Monday's session was grueling with Tricia.  Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.

I had an hour and a half session.  We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened.  Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter.  I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.

She asked if I was willing to read it.  I said that I needed to.  She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.

Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read.  I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go.  When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.

She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter.  That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read.  That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.

For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.

Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there.  In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:

1. What was the worst thing about this (relationship) -- a portion?  The whole thing?
2. What is the negative cognition, what is the lie or lies I am believing because of it?
3. What is the positive cognition, what do I want to believe about myself (the truth) even though this happened?

These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session.  Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.

I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it.  I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet.  I probably will burn it or something like that.  I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot.  I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well.  It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself.  It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."

One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.

We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed.  I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough.  We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested.  When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there.  Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.

Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.

I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night.  She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time.  That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.

So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him.  But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.

How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time?  Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill.  I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run.  But which do I choose?  Moment to moment it seems to swing.

I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night.  I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned.  All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.

All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking.  All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas.  I am afraid to open them up.  I don't want to.  I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed.  I know the healing on the other side too.  But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.

I was told to care for myself this week.  I was told to treat myself gently.  i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.

"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God.  Of all the people on earth, the Lord you God has chosen you to be his own special treasure" (NLT)

Chosen to be His own special treasure?  That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me.  In spite of what happened.  Really?

And this is where the lies are fighting the truth.  This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing.  Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds.  The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.

I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.

I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems.  That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee.  From everyone and everything.

The unexpected

God unexpectedly blessed me with an incredible friend tonight.  A friend who was willing to pour out, even out of her own brokenness and pain.

She saw where I was at by the end of my day, and even in her own pain, responded out of care and concern.  Come to find out we couldn't be more on the same page and in the same place if we tried.  And God put us there at the same time to walk together.

I had a break down today at church when she got there to see how I was doing.  I had a panic attack as I tried to talk to her there.  We spent time in the sanctuary, for privacy so we could talk, and she could help me calm down. 

All through the day, as memories have come to the forefront, I have been freezing cold.  So she invited me over to her house to hang with her and her son, and I got to snuggle up with various cats (she has 7, five of which I actually saw) and huddle close to her pellet burner till I warmed up.  She used the idea of the pellet burner to lure me over, because she knows I am a sucker for a fire! 

It worked.  The fire warmed me up as did the company that I was given.

Tears were shed, silent prayers prayed, and she gave me the benefit of a listening ear when I needed it, light-hearted conversation as it seemed appropriate, and the space to just have quiet and peace. 

This was only the second time I can ever remember going over to someone's house for the first time and not feeling uncomfortable, but rather, feeling safe and that it was where God wanted me.

I am still broken and hurting inside.  I let go today and accepted God's forgiveness and forgave myself.  And then God allowed a memory (one I rememebered but it was always on the "outskirts" of my mind) to come into full focus and full living color.  It was really hard, really painful and nearly shattered me today.

I don't know what to do yet.  What decisions I need to make, if any, about going to see Tricia sooner, or if I can hang on for 2 weeks until my next appointment. 

But tonight, God has given me a measure of peace.  More than I anticipated having.  My friend talked to me as I had at least one more panic attack at her house, not counting the one at church.  Now it's time for bed, and I am praying for sleep.  A nice peaceful, dreamless sleep.

I am just overwhelmed by God's goodness to me through this friend.... even as I am overwhelmed by the pain and fear and fallout of these memories.

This time this evening of relaxing, talking, laughing, listening, crying and praying was a needed break at the end of a long painful day.  It was healing.  It was given to me by God, through a friend who was willing to listen to His promptings..... and for once I didn't hinder what He was doing, but accepted her invitation of company for a while.  If I hadn't, I probably would have come home alone, and kicked myself all night for not going over.

Thank you Jesus for how you unexpectedly bless me so much.  You are so good.  You are so loving.  Please help me cling to that truth, and to how You revealed it to me through this precious time with You and my friend tonight.

Numb

I'm still feeling numb.

It seems to happen from time to time after counseling.  Last time, I was so exhausted I collapsed in the nearby bathroom sobbing.  This time, I bypassed the bathroom and went down to my car right away.  I sat there for a bit, then moved my car to a more remote part of the parking lot, and sat in a daze for a bit, and actually fell asleep for about a half hour.

When I woke, I started the car and drove to the farm to get the kids.  I pulled into the yard, and as no one was out there, turned off the car and sat in the dark, the quiet enveloping me.  I'm not sure how long I sat there till the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Tricia had prayed at the end of the session that though she had talked a lot, that I would remember what I would need to and forget the things I didn't or that weren't God's words for me to remember. 

She asked me to work on letting go of the curtains (an image in my head) that I hanging on to, to cover myself and hide myself in.  She wants me to work on, and get myself to the point that I will forgive myself for the things that I did in this relationship.  To accept God's forgiveness and to claim the truth of His word as my own, and to call the truth, the truth and a lie, a lie.  Whether my feelings follow right away or not, I need to believe the truth, to choose it and hang onto it, no matter what.

I know that is what I need to do and she is right.

But as I sat in the car at the farm, crying, all I could think of was how tired I was.  So exhausted.  So sick of fighting.  It's so hard, and all I want is to stop.  I don't want to think about anything, this relationship, this struggle for truth, taking captive my thoughts.  It's so overwhelming.  It's too much at once, and I don't know how to handle it.

I have stuffed it pretty well this past week.  Yes, emotions have popped out from time to time, but for the most part, I haven't felt either really good, or excited about anything, or really too depressed either.  I felt very "flatline" for lack of anything better.  I know I don't have to be super up or down, or have major swings to be "ok" or anything like that, nor do I want that, but it would be nice to be able to enjoy things, or grieve things if I need to.

I have to grieve the loss that I put on myself by the choices I made.  I was able to grieve the losses of other things, where I was a victim.  I was able to work through the anger there, and finally forgive the offenders.  I have been able to go through so much and find God's strength through it all.

Now, I don't have any strength of my own, and I don't feel like I have God's either.  Where is the stubbornness and determination I have had in the past?  Where is the gumption and backbone I had in the face of what I knew were enemy attacks?  I know the enemy wants to keep me bound, stuck and stalled out here.  So why am I so reluctant to fight back with the truth?

I'm not sure that I have the answer to those questions.  I'm not sure we answered those in counseling, though we might have today, I just feel so befuddled that I really don't know right now.

As we talked, Tricia reminded me one of the phrases I had used to describe myself in light of this situation was that I was filthy.

Later on, I got this image of a glass bottle - almost a jug.  Dark green, at least what you could see through the filthiness on the outside of it.  Inside were packed all my emotions.  Hate, rage and anger at this guy, at myself, I think even at God.  Grief, loss, failure, pain, shame, disgust, guilt.  It had a rubber cork in it, and I was leaning all my weight on it to keep it corked up.  I was afraid to open it, because I was afraid of all the emotions that would spill out.

At first, Tricia asked me to allow that bottle to be opened during the next two weeks, not to dump it out, but just let it open, so that the pressure wouldn't build.  But by the end, she suggested that I just work on the part of letting go of the curtain that I was hiding in, and work on the accepting God's forgiveness and love, and forgiving myself.  She "gave me permission" to leave that bottle alone until we see each other again.

I feel so numb and exhausted right now, I don't even know what to do.

I have taken my anti-anxiety meds, but still feel that pit of fear in my stomach, the one that gives me heartburn and leaves me all jumpy.  I really can't take any more of anything medication wise, and I can't really take much more emotionally either.

I don't want to work.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to do anything but curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there.  I don't want to pray, and it's been like pulling teeth to write here even.  How can I be in one place, where I am able to encourage a friend going through a rough time, and the next minute not want to do anything?  Even the things I know are good for me, that will help me and will cause me to walk closer with God?

It's just where I'm at right now, like it or not. 

reminder of His love in pain

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful.  Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving.  It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe."  Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love.  In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now).  This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship.  It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of.  We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time.  I have been reeling some since Monday night.  It was hard work folks!  I was so raw when I left Tricia's office.  I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted.  I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor.  I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car.  Pretty quickly I started sobbing.  I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching.  I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly.  My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying.  Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room.  And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship.  I am fighting with it for sure.  I know the truth.  It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart.  It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to.  So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word.  As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart.  And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!"  Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time.  I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God.   The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me.  And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!!  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord.  I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

At peace

I'm more at peace now than I ever thought I could be today.  I'm still fighting some jaw pain, though it is much better than it was a couple of days ago.  I am also fighting off a cold.  I crashed cause I was having trouble sleeping earlier this week, and myl body didn't have enough rest to fight off whatever this "thing" is.

I had a counseling appointment yesterday.  I was able to share with Tricia how I finally have closure on a relationship.  How God moved in me through the past couple of weeks to get me to the point of letting go.  I also told her how He kept hitting me over the head with the need to obey Him and trust Him. 

Obedience and trust.  It's like the chicken and the egg question.  Which comes first?  Do you obey God, and do the things He asks you to, and then based on how He brings you through, that builds your trust?  Or is it rather that you trust God, from experiencing His faithfulness in the past, and therefore step out in obedience to what He says?

I have a feeling it's more a mixture of the two, rather than one or the other.

After stepping out in obedience to some things God specifically asked me to do, I know and feel deeper down that I can trust Him and that He has my best at heart.

The problem that I encountered with Tricia yesterday, which I sort of knew was there, but not as big as it was, was getting some of that truth from my mind to my emotions.  From my head knowledge, to a really deep know and believe heart knowledge.

The one relationship I was working through has been laid to rest I believe.  But there is some "residue" left over from that one, that tied directly into another former relationship.  A relationship in which I trusted the person, but was greatly hurt, and out of that hurt and desperation to "keep" the relationship, did some things I am not very proud of.  (and that's an understatement)

Over all it could be argued that I was a young Christian, and though I knew what I was doing, I didn't know any better.  That the other person involved was a Christian longer (not a more mature Christian - I won't give them that) and should have known better than to manipulate me, use me the way they did.

But I did know that those things I was doing were very wrong and they made me sick to my stomach, and still do if I think about them.

For a long time I have buried my guilt and shame and anger at myself.  I was at the point of burying the relationship enough, figuring to have put it to rest well enough with my last sessions with Tricia, that I would never have to revisit it again.

It is interesting how God used one thing (Henry's death) to bring me into counseling, and now that I am there, He has brought up things I have needed help with, or healing from.  It shows me another way He is intimately involved in my life and in my heart.  It shows me His desire to heal me and bring me to a new level in my relationship with Him and with others.

Well, as I talked with Tricia, yesterday, she brought out my care plan, and discussed my progress with me.  It showed that I have made forward progress, which is good, and which in reality I knew.  I have been in such a better place, even when I have been deeply depressed, that things have progressed much more quickly for me this time.  As Tricia said one time, this time has been just a "tune up" for me.

In the care plan, she rated my depression as having moved from moderate to mild (I agree there for the most part, though I am still going to have swings up and down).  She also rated my poor sense of self worth at a mild.  When she said that one, I just looked at her, and she glanced up from reading and questioned my look.  That's what brought up this relationship, and the things I had done.

After we talked a bit about the relationship, Tricia asked if I had a mental picture in my head.  I did.  She asked then if I wanted to do EMDR around the situation.  I said we could, but I wasn't sure even how to go about this, because I felt stupid for even still having trouble with this, with accepting Christ's forgiveness in this specific area, and for forgiving myself.

Tricia said that we could just walk through the negative cognitions (the lies) and positive cognitions that I want to replace them with (the truth) and talk through the process a bit, and if we had time, start the actual EMDR therapy.  We did all that, and did have time to start the therapy.

When we started, I could see in my mind's eye the mental picture, and she had me think about the negatives and see where it took us.  It was hard for me to settle into, because it's been so long.  I was having a hard time concentrating, especially at first.  It was like I couldn't "pin it down."  But I had such a strong sense of disgust that when she stopped the little machine, I said that I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

She asked me if I wanted to go back there again.  I said, "no but yes, I will."  She turned back on the machine and again it was hard to concentrate, but near the end of that chunk of time, I was not only feeling like I was going to be sick, but emotionally I hurt, I was scared, and I was starting to be able to pin down the image in my head, rather than having it flit all over, and I was able to think about how it made me feel, and the lies it fed.  

I remember hearing Tricia say softly that I was still in her office, still safe, but to let the emotions come.  Oh, that was hard.  I couldn't, not all the way.  I might have cried a little bit, but more than anything I was feeling pure revulsion when she asked me to take a deep breath.  I could barely manage the breath.  She asked me to do it again and then turned off the machine.  I sat up and as I looked around her office, reorienting myself, I realized I was shaking - inside and out.

Tricia asked what I had experience there.  Part of it was that revulsion and loathing, but that it hurt and that I was coming up against this wall, this black wall and it scared me.  She said she wanted to keep on going, but she had another appointment following me and couldn't give me more time then.  She said too that she didn't want to leave me in an "unsafe" place or emotional state.  So, she asked me to think about the place where I feel safe.  My "safe place" right now is somewhere I run when I need to get out of my office, when I need a quiet place to spend with God, when I need comfort.  It's the sanctuary at church.  Right up near the front, by the piano usually.  Sometimes, right on the floor in front of the first row of chairs, looking up at the cross on the wall.

So, I went there, in my mind, starting to feel the peace again of that place, and it started to outweigh the other emotions that had been stirred up.  She stopped the machine again, and then had me go back there one more time, this time thinking about one of my more favorite songs at the moment.  I was able to relax into that, and when we were done, felt much better than I had at the first.  I felt more able to handle the rest of the day.

We prayed together and I left, heading to town to get the kids from school.  After spending time with them, they left for the farm, and I was able to have some alone time.  I sat and contemplated how I was doing.  I realized that truly, despite the hard stuff I had come up against that afternoon, I was doing really pretty good.  I had peace.  I still do.

I know I am going to have to face up to this relationship in two weeks.  But two years ago, if we had had to leave something hanging that long, I would have been in a panic.  God is so good in giving me the peace I need.

I have a couple of assignments from Tricia.  One is to find passages of scripture that talk about how God sees me, through Christ's blood.  I also need to see if I can find scriptures that talk about my needing to focus on Christ.  (Like in Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith).  She challenged me as well to watch the movie "The Passion."  I have never seen it.  She said that when she walked out of the movie, after having watched it, she just said that she knew then and there how much God loved her.

I spent time in God's Word last night, and time journaling and praying. 

I woke up this morning having had a good night's sleep, and still feeling like I am close in His arms and His peace.  It is a wonderful feeling.  One I haven't had in a long time, at least not consistently.

I'm so thankful!  Yes, there is hard stuff coming.  There are going to be more hard "letting go" opportunities.  God is bigger than all those things.  God loves me through all of them.  He isn't surprised by anything.  He still sees me through Christ's blood and sees me as whiter than snow.  That won't change. 

Oh God, help me keep my gaze fixed on You.  You are my comfort and strength and shield and protector.  Thank you for this incredible mercy of Your peace and feeling of being sheltered and protected, held and comforted right now.  May I continue to rest in you in these coming days.

Building parallels

Well, my jaw isn't broken, just got jammed and the soft tissues inflamed, so I am having to take it easy on what I eat, soft food, ibuprofen, ice or heat as needed to take away pain or sooth sore spots.  I saw the dentist today, and I will be going back in 4 weeks for a general check-up and cleaning.

The hard part is I find myself trying to keep from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth.  Which causes the muscles to be even more sore than they need to be.

My left hand, that I landed on is still sore though.  It may stop my trying to write as much as I want tonight.  I landed on it, trying to catch myself on Friday, though my chin took the brunt of my fall.  I jammed something, somewhere, though it's not broken, but it's going to be a while for it to heal enough that small things like typing don't hurt anymore.  It's the top of my pinky and ring finger that hurt, and sometimes my middle finger too.  Depends on what I am doing.  Sometimes it surprises me because I am carrying something and my hand suddenly hurts and I almost drop what I'm carrying.  Though that is usually when I am carrying something far too heavy for that hand to handle.

It's interesting that in the middle of this, I can see how God is working and building parallels in my emotional/spiritual life.

A while ago, I took a spiritual/emotional tumble.  I got torn open pretty badly.  People have helped me get to where I need to go, between pointing me to God, praying me through it all, and making sure I have seen my counselor.  Tricia has been giving me assignments that have drawn me further into the pain.  These things, going into the painful areas has been so hard.

I really have been thrown into a tailspin.  It has hurt so much to have to write some of the things she has asked me to.  Once they have been written, I have been able to put them out of my mind for a while, until I go back to an appointment with Tricia, and have to read those writings to her.

I read one two weeks ago to her.  At the end of it, Tricia shared some things that I probably needed to do to help me cut the emotional ties I have in this particular instance.  Getting rid of some things, purging them, letting them go.  Part of that was done in the writing.  But some of that had to be done in the physical letting go of things too.

For these two weeks since, I got sick and was laid low last weekend, and then this past weekend I had my fall and was laid pretty low as well.  My weekdays were full with work, kids and home stuff.  Good stuff, but finally, over this past weekend, I started coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't obeying God.

God used Tricia and a few other key people in my life to encourage me to do the right thing.  To do the things that God wanted me to do to be able to walk in more freedom.  He was speaking very clearly to me, and I knew it was Him, through His word, through sermons, through the Breaking Free bible study, through my friends.

I just was choosing, for the past two weeks to wallow in my self hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, unwillingness to accept God's grace and forgiveness to me.  I've been fighting with letting go.  What's going to happen if I let these things go, the physical things, but more than that, the attachments, the emotional ties I have found buried deep.

As I have struggled, I have heard God telling me the same thing over and over, "Submit to Me, surrender it to Me, I can carry it.  My yoke is easy, kind, and much lighter than the one you are trying to drag around." 

One of the things that I got out of this week's sermon... again, something that God has been pounding into my head.

If you feel that you aren't hearing from God, see if there is any spot that you aren't obeying Him on.  Do that thing, and then listen again.  He doesn't withdraw Himself from you, but your lack of obedience will make it really hard for you to stay close to Him.  That makes it hard to hear from Him, because you're not doing what He's asked you to in the first place.  You've placed a barrier up between yourselves.

Ok, so it wasn't said verbatim that way, but that's what I got out of it.

After being shaken up this weekend, I spent some time praying on Saturday night, journaling before my meds took me out for the count.  I made a mental note to see if I could get together and actually talk face to face with my friend Cindy D.  We've been emailing back and forth, this past week, encouragement to one another, but not been able to really see each other and talk face to face.

Sunday, I had to play piano for church.  My hand was sore, as was my jaw, but I managed it.  I ended up having to use dish soap to take off my wedding ring, because my left hand and those two fingers started swelling after I got done doing all the playing for the worship team.

I chatted with Cindy D. a bit and asked her if she was doing anything after church.  She laughed at me and asked me if I wanted to get together, if I was asking her if she wanted to talk with me for a bit....  I told her that was what I was asking in a round about way.  We had a good laugh about it, and then decided to meet at a near by park in a bit, that way we were able to enjoy the weather and still talk.

We got together and talked for a while. Longer than I had anticipated.  During that time, I could tell that God's hands were all over that conversation.  From her perspective and life experiences, she was able to listen to me and hear my heart, and then ask guiding questions and pointed questions.  Some of these questions, under normal circumstances I would have never answered... even if Tricia had posed them.  I probably would have gotten so angry and shut down.  They were that hard.

But God had opened up my heart.  He opened up that old wound so much in the last couple of weeks, and there Cindy D was asking the pointed questions to help me clean that huge gaping wound with the Truth.  The truth of what I really believed, what I really needed, what I was really clinging to, and what I was really avoiding doing.

I needed closure.  After my three hour conversation with Cindy D. I was able to go home, talk to my hubby a bit, and do what I needed to do.  I threw out a bunch of stuff.  I feel lighter now.  I felt lighter yesterday.  Last night, I did some more cleaning out.  Getting rid of things.  It made me aware that there is more to do in different areas as well.  But, one area at a time.  There is a lot of garbage that has collected in areas I thought I had already cleaned out and closed the chapters on.  Maybe I have only done surface cleaning there, and now need to do more deep cleaning - or let God do the deep cleaning.

Getting rid of these things was like the wound finally getting fully cleaned out.  Ready for healing.  The rough edges trimmed off, the dirt scrubbed out.

Letting go of the emotional attachments, it's still taking me a bit to learn to leave them alone.  They will die out.  But it is like a dying out of a part of me.  I have to stop treating myself like crud because I believe I am crud.  I have to start seeing myself as God sees me.  I have to start saying it, out loud, whether I believe it or not fully yet.

God is stitching me up.  But that means I have to be flat on my back, letting Him do the work.  I can't fight Him, I can't move around, I can't get up, because I won't heal if I do.  If I don't let Him do His work, I won't be able to move on.

Now is the time that I need to just fall into His arms of love.  I need to feel His love, my Father's love holding me, comforting me, healing me.  I need to be wrapped in a comforter, on His lap, leaning against His chest, listening to His heart beat.   I need to listen to that heartbeat of His because it calms me down.  When I calm down, I can rest, I can heal and then I am ready to get up when it's time to go on and to the next right thing.

So, I am off to rest some more.  Let my physical body rest and heal, and let my heart and soul and spirit rest too.  It's easier sometimes to get my physical body to calm down and settle in, but a lot harder to get my mind to settle, and my heart to stop taking flight, and my soul and spirit to relax enough to really hear God's heartbeat for me.

Thank You Jesus that you helped me write this, because when I started this post, I had no idea where it was going.  Thank You for showing me the parallels You have drawn in my life to teach me.  You Jesus, are so wonderful to me.  You have blessed me with incredible friends and counselors, with a great pastor and church, with a family that loves me and cares for me and helps me.  I am blessed immeasurably, more than I could have ever asked or imagined!  Way back when I first became a believer, I could have never dreamed that I would be where I am today, or that I could have survived all the things I have.  You have saved me.  Oh my God, you have saved me!  You have bought me back, redeemed me, paid for my debts when I couldn't, and I am now yours.  You have called me by my name, and I am Yours.  Thank you!  Help me continue to cling to You and to look back, when I doubt, or when I need to remember to dance for joy, to read these old blog posts as reminders of what You have done, and what You have promised to do. 

God and writing

So last night I spent some time writing.  God uses my writing to help me process and to hear His voice.

God used it to make me realize that I haven't dealt fully with some aspects of my past.  Things from back in Junior High, like when I was 12.  I thought I had laid a lot of that to rest.  But when Tricia and I were talking last week, we realized we hit on something right before the end of our session.

I had been bullied by a couple of different people in 7th grade.  It wasn't that big of a deal or so I thought.  But as I worked through it as I wrote last night, I realized just how big a deal it was.  I really took what was said and done to me to heart.

Though I am very high on the Empathy/Feeling charts, I find myself shutting down emotionally and unable to re-engage.  I traced it back to some things that happened while in 7th grade where I vowed that I wasn't going to let others see me cry in front of them again.  Unless I was in a "safe place" or with "safe people" I didn't cry.  I also didn't express how I felt to anyone for the most part, even to my mom, when something happened.

I can remember when my first cat died.  It was my senior year of high school.  I'd had her since I was four.  My mom was taking her in the next day to be put down because she was too sick and in pain.  I got home from school the next day, and had a friend with me.  We hung together in my room, ate supper and went back to the school for a late drama rehearsal.  I never said anything to my mom about Willow, for a long time. 

Several months later, I encouraged my family to get two kittens, and they had them for a very long time.  Later I ended up telling my mom that I stayed up several hours with Willow on her last night.  Curled up next to her on the couch, petting the one place that didn't hurt her (the top of her head and ears) and cried.  The reason I had a friend come home with me the next day was cause I needed the distraction.  But it was a long time before I could acknowledge those emotions, define them, and share them with someone.

I am not as bad as that now.  I have healed a lot in the last few years.

However, there are still times when I have trouble expressing my emotions.  Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling.  Like I said, I shut down.  Because of the bullying things that happened to me, the humiliations, I ended up putting up walls to protect myself.

God has been faithful in helping me pull down those walls.  Many of them are down now, and I have much less of a tendency to hold in emotions than I used to.  It's much less self-destructive.  But there are still walls there. Some of these walls have people's names on them, I have discovered.  It's going to take a lot of hard work to get those walls to come down.

With God's help, I know it will happen.  In His time.

There are other things that are going on at the same time. - again - there is always something, and it seems God is working on me from different fronts, with different things all at once.  Maybe it seems like that because He is trying to help me shore up the weaknesses that He sees in me, so that I can come out the other side more whole, and a better person to better reflect His light.

All in His time.  And - as a reminder to myself - I don't need to know the why's of what's going on or what's happened.

God uses my writing to help me process different things.  Last night He helped me process and identify some things that I need to go over with Tricia.  Other times He just plain outright speaks to my heart, by impressing something on it.  Other times it is through reading His Word as well.

I am just so glad that He still speaks and heals and redeems and restores, today as always.

He's got me covered.
He's got you covered.

Praise God for that!  I am so grateful that He hems us in behind and before and that He lays His hand upon us all!

Busy week, in more ways than one

It's been a very busy week.  I am very tired and fighting a cold. 

Our church is hosting our district's Annual Meeting and Celebration.  That means that I am the point person for the church, pulling people in to help with decorations, hosting, ushering, food, media and sound, building set up, child care - among many other things.

I have been running my tail off this week because we have had meetings and I have been making many phone calls to get everything sorted out.

The meeting is next week Friday and Saturday, so if I am rather absent here in the next week, please forgive me.  I just have so much to do, and so much on my mind.

The theme for the Annual Meeting is "Getting back to Basics:  Prayer."  So I have someone who jumped onto my team, who is so fired up about praying for everyone coming.  She has organized our church to literally cover every single person in prayer.  There are people who grabbed someone's name, filled out a card to let them know they were praying for them and slipped it into an envelope with their name on it.  Those will be put into everyone's registration packets.  They then keep the person's name and pray for them throughout the next week or so, and just pray as God leads them to.

It has been amazing to feel the prayers of people.  Once this dear lady jumped in and started really organizing the prayer for the event, I have been feeling entirely different about how things are going.  God is so good that way.  She was an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine that someone would be there that I could call on to pray for me, whatever it was, and whenever.  She has. 

As we move into this next week, again things will be very busy, but there are things going on personally that will add to the stress unless I am able to let them go to hang onto God, or as I said in my last post, let Him hang onto me.

I went through counseling with Tricia this past week.  By the time I was done, I was feeling so sick to my stomach.  It took me nearly an hour before I trusted myself enough to drive home.  I just sat in the parking lot in my car.

God lifted me above those intense emotions and reactions to the things we were talking about this week as I have had other things I have needed to deal with.  I am so grateful He does that.  He has sustained me this week. 

Of course the last couple of days I have been staying with Him pretty intensely as I have been working on catching up on my Breaking Free Bible Study.  This study has been amazing.  We just finished Week 4, and I know there is much more to go, but God has been using it already in seeing patterns and areas where truly I am still in bondage.  After talking to Tricia, and then working through the bible study homework, God revealed to me some areas that I am going to have to really work on.  Not easy stuff, but worth it in the long run.

There are a couple of assignments that Tricia gave me that I have to do in the next 10 days or so.  I need to have them done by the Monday after the Annual Meeting.  I am going to be taking off the 25th and 26th from work to recover from the weekend, and I have my appointment with Tricia that Monday afternoon.  I am hoping that I don't have to do my "homework" from her that morning, but if I have to, I will. 

My heart hurts thinking about it though.  I don't want to have to do what she is asking me to, and what I feel God is asking me to.  It's difficult though I know it will bring further healing.  I don't know if I will ever get beyond the depression, or the struggle with it.  Knowing the why's or the answers to the questions doesn't help either, because I still have to deal with it.

I would like to do it ahead of time and get it out of the way.  But with the multitude of responsibilities I have for the Annual Meeting, I just am afraid these things will stir up way too many emotions.  I know that God can handle it, that He can cover it and give me the strength to do all things.  I just need prayer that I will know when to do what He wants me to do.

It makes it all harder to look at with any clarity when I am feeling sick.  I have to sing during the Annual Meeting at several different points for the worship team.  It's an added thing on top of the responsibilities I have, being available for the district executive administrator to help her with anything she needs.  I am glad to do it.  I feel that God has called me to sing and help lead worship.  With this cold, however, it will be difficult to sing if it doesn't clear up quickly!

As you can see I have a lot on my plate in the next week...  and it's not just the Annual Meeting.  My brain feels fried, and there are so many things I want to do, need to do, and should do that I am not quite sure where to start.

Thank you for listening to my babble! :)  I will be praying for all of you as God brings you to my heart and mind, but I may not be able to be around for a visit for a little bit.

If something comes up this week that I need to share, I will pop on here again, but again it all depends on how things go.

Exhaustion and choices

Lack of enough sleep really does me in.

The last couple of nights or so have been late ones, besides the fact that I was sleeping on the couch to give my visiting parents a bed to sleep in.  Needless to say I didn't sleep the greatest or long enough.

The tiredness has increased the "weight" that I have been feeling sneaking in around the edges the last few days. God is still good.  He is still in control.  I was still able to worship Him today at church.

I just feel that depression building up again.  Besides being tired, I really wish I knew its source.  It's hard to figure out because I just don't see it.  Though I know right now exhaustion is playing into it big time, it's still frustrating to see and feel the anxiety and know that I have to walk this road.

So I am choosing today to try, despite distractions and frustrations with the kids, to cling to the truth.  I'm working on keeping my focus on God.  I am struggling to stay open to Him and keep myself in an attitude of submission and surrender.

It's not an easy process and I am definitely struggling.  It's hard when all I want to do is sleep.

But I am clinging to God - and better yet, He is holding me with His righteous right hand.  His hands are holding me and that's stronger... stronger than any way I could cling to him in my own strength.

Thank you Jesus for holding me.  Thank you for always meeting me where I am at.  Thank you for loving me so much that You became sin for me, so that I might become Your righteousness.  You are so good.  Thank You for Your peace in the midst of depression and pain.  Please continue to uphold me and strengthen me for this road you have me on.  Give me the peace that passes understanding and the joy inexpressible that only comes from you.  I love you - help me to keep falling deeper in love with You every day.

Falling in love

I'm falling in love all over again.

Yes, I really am.  And I never thought it would quite be like this.

First God talked to me about surrendering and letting go.



He started pulling me out and away from people and things in my life that were a significant part of my "normal."

Then, God changed the "surrender" word to "submit," and it was like a light bulb going on.

"Oh.  All of me, he wants me to lay it all down on the alter.... and it's not an "it" at all, its ME He wants."

Yeah, I know.  Sometimes it takes me a while.

Some situations sprang up in my life at that point that forced me to submit because there was no way I was going to handle it all on my own strength.  The only way to get through was to submit my days to Him and rely on His strength, not my own.

There were some really dark days there.

Then God did something to me last week Friday, that has lasted all week.  He helped me really become a part of one of the stories in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 5. It was amazing the changes He did in my heart overnight through that simple account of a woman's healing.

I am only starting to grasp what happened when I reached out to touch the hem of His robe last week.

The story was instrumental in my coming to Christ originally.  I said that in my last post.  But what occurred to me just now, as I was writing this, is that it is also very instrumental in my falling in love all over again.

In the Breaking Free study, Beth Moore talks about how much she is in love with Jesus, and how He is the first and greatest joy in her life... and that she was jealous for all of us to have that type of love relationship with Him.  Then another study, that I just picked up again after a long while, last night no less... made the point about us falling in love with Jesus, because that is what is so contagious to others.  Our head over heels, abandoned love for Jesus.

Really, God?

It hit me this morning and I realized the next puzzle piece has fallen into place.  It fits.

Letting go of the things I esteem so highly, and let God take care of them.
Surrender each and every little piece God points out to me of my heart.
Submit my all to Him so that His plans for me become my plans and I just follow along.

As I thought about all this today, I still felt His call to submit and surrender.  I thought about falling in love again with Him.  I thought about how resistant I felt about that whole idea.  Because I thought it had to look a certain way or something.  I kept thinking, "Well, I can't be like so and so, she has all the time she needs to do whatever to fall in love with You. And I can't be like so and so, because I can't live at that pace, and that seems to be how she falls in love with You."

I kept comparing myself.

Finally I heard God's small voice say, "Stop."
I did.

I felt like He really pointed out to me another area I was resisting Him, another spot where I was telling Him to wait, to hold off, to not get too close to that "thing" there.

I told Him I wasn't going to do that.  That I was going to submit to Him right away.  I had already made that commitment nearly 2 weeks ago.  Yet, here I was telling Him wait again.  But this time, instead of beating myself up over it, it was just another light bulb coming on.

It was immediate surrender.

I don't know what this falling in love with God all over again thing looks like.  Not for me.  I see what it looks like in some lives I am exposed to, near and far.

I told God that I didn't know what to do.

Then He reminded me of what I did when I was first in love with my husband.  We would sit on the couch and I would snuggle up against him with my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.

That's what Jesus wants me to do, just settle in with Him and listen to His heartbeat, and let the rest flow from there.  He's got it anyway.  It's His plans.  My life is His.  He is mine.  I am bought, redeemed, loved, His bride.  He loves me so much, so much that it hurts.

I think I am falling in love.
All over again.
With the greatest love of my life.
Jesus.

The bonus is, the more in love with Jesus I am, the more it spills out and over into the ones I love.  I love Jesus more, then I will be able to love my husband and family and friends more.  The more I will look like Jesus and less like me.

Oh, my friends, God is so good.  He is so faithful.  I may have more dark days coming.  I may have more challenges ahead.  I have some coming up in the next few weeks.  But my sweet Jesus is so much bigger, better and stronger than all of that.  He is still speaking if you know how to listen.

Just get real quiet with Him.  Snuggle up to Him and listen for His heartbeat.  It doesn't take long, and it doesn't have to be for long.  Just long enough for you to realize that His heartbeat is for you.

He loves you.
Love Him back with all of your heart!
It's worth falling in love all over again!

it's all I've got - no energy to pretend

I don't have the energy to act like things are good, when they aren't.

Not today.

I was able to enjoy time with my kids, and with their grandmother.

Then I left the farm, and headed on some errands. On the way, I checked my home answering machine remotely. There was a message there from Cindy D. As soon as I got to a parking lot where I had good cell reception, I parked and called her.

She is such an encouragement to me, though she doesn't realize it. She is going through so much herself, yet at the same time is so willing to listen to me talk, ask tough questions and share what she is learning as she heals and grows to help me.

We talked for quite a while. By the time I got off the phone, I at least felt like I could drive again, with some sort of attention to the road.

Essentially I was "running away from home" for a while tonight. I wanted to get away from my normal, so that I wouldn't go back to my "normal" mode of behaviors.

By the time I got to the grocery store (keep in mind, after talking with Cindy D. I only went to one other store - briefly) I was exhausted.

One of my friends works there, the wife of our small group leader. She happened to not have any customers, so I was able to talk with her just for a few minutes. When asked how I was doing, I couldn't just say "good." I couldn't. I told her I was ok, that I was really tired and that I missed her and her husband. I was able to tell her that I was struggling, but that was about it as she got a customer at that point.

I got home and ate, and am now writing this.

I am doing better than I was. I felt like I had a small victory tonight and was able to get through. I spent a small amount of time with God - mostly praying as I was walking around the house doing things. Talking to Him more than listening, I think, but it was all I had in me.

I am still fighting the depression, but hope that some sort of semblance of sleep tonight will help me feel better in the morning than I did this morning.

Still a couple of lines from Psalm 143 stick with me.... tonight before I fall asleep.

I may not have them quoted perfectly, but here it goes...

I spread out my hands before you, my soul/heart thirsts for you like a parched land.

and...

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love....

Friends, I am praying tonight that this coming morning will bring me word of His unfailing love. I need the reminder tomorrow morning especially if it is anything like this morning - I need the reminder tonight.

The only thing I left out of the end of that last verse is ...for I have put my trust in you.

I have put my trust in him.... but have I trusted Him with everything in my heart? There is still some holding back there, though I know the right answer. Though I know that eventually I will let Him into "that" place too. Maybe the pain isn't great enough for me to finally give in.

Why does it always end up being that way? The pain needing to be great enough for me to finally cave in and allow Him to heal?

Trusting.

That's a whole other post, and not one this tired soul can go into tonight.

Maybe more on that tomorrow, if I have my thoughts gathered at all.

I don't have the energy tonight.

Not to act like things are good - and not to write well - and not to gather thoughts completely.

this is all I've got, and it's not much... but I guess I'll post it anyway.... it's just where I'm at.

Confirmation

It isn't easy when something you are sensing is confirmed by God.

A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.

I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.

It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.

So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.

But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.

I wrote that in my journal the other day.

"I feel lonely."

I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.

Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.

I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.

I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That helps me now.

I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.

I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.

I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.

I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.

I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.

Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.

Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.

But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.

Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.

This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).

Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.

I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.

I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.

I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......

....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.

With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.

There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.

God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.

I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.

But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.

I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.

I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.

Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.

If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.

He is more than enough for me.

I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

Oh Lord, help me.

What I walked away with today....

I walked out of my appointment with Tricia today, feeling by far much better than I have in a long time.

I didn't hold anything back from her that I could think of, not knowingly anyway. I told her how frustrated I had been in our last session and going back to work out of it. She nodded and said that she had been able to tell.

When I shared how I had exploded more or less once the church was empty that night, she also said that she was pretty sure she had left me in a fragile state when I walked out of the office, but she didn't want to say that in case she planted a thought that wasn't really there. Boy, I'm glad things didn't get worse than they did last week, or there would have been some pieces to be picked up!

We talked about what God has done this week. How He has worked, and just how He used that frustrating session last week to get me just out there enough to talk to Sandy about it, a little, after a lot of prying on her part. Her persistence and her verbally forgiving me, and reminding me that Henry wouldn't want me to beat myself up either, and that I was by far more important than anything else.... that changed me, though I didn't know or recognize it at the time.

I didn't recognize it until I was sharing the things of the week with Tricia and she started praising God right there in the middle of it. She got so excited she nearly jumped up and down! Slapped her clipboard down on the footstool between us, and out loud praised God for how He works all things together.

Because, as I now realize it, He did. He worked this past week - the pain - the hurt - the guilt - the frustration from my session - my conversation with Sandy - my tiredness - my lowered defenses - into a healing for me. Not fully, but a lightening of the load.

Maybe that's part of why I walked out of Tricia's office today feeling lighter.

Is the depression gone?
No.
I wish it were that easy.

I wish I could say, "Nah, I don't really need to come back. I'm fine now."

However, I would probably be back in 6 months or a year, burned out and worse than I am now.

I told Tricia that there are better days than others. Sometimes I am too busy to notice the depression except in passing. Other days it nearly debilitates me and makes me non-functional. Sometimes I am ok, and experiencing a pleasant moment, but I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and wonder when the storm is going to hit, how fast it is moving, and how severe it's going to be.

Tricia said to me that she was feeling that Henry's death was just the icing on the cake for me. The she looked at me and asked me what the cake was... expecting an answer. What did I say?

I. Don't. Know.

We don't know what that "cake" is under the icing. Neither of us do. Maybe there is nothing there, maybe there is another layer from previous things that needs to be addressed. Really we don't know, but there were some things that were brought up today (for another post) that are things to explore.

Tricia prayed for both of us at the end of our session today. She prayed for me that I would be able to see the good times and essentially experience the "joy moments" and for guidance and help for the worship rehearsal tonight, and my job and the upcoming events that are causing me stress.

She prayed for herself that God would give her the wisdom to know how to help. That He would grant her discernment in how to continue to develop a treatment plan for me, and that she would have His wisdom in everything and every way.

I came out of Tricia's office today with two things from her to remember.

Three things though I have walked away with.

One: When I have something pleasant happen, enjoy it. Take note of it. Experience it. Don't just blow by it unnoticed and unappreciated. From the simple sun on my face, to a quiet snuggle with the kids, to an unexpected but wonderful talk with my husband.

Two: Don't go digging too deep. Don't try to over analyze what is going on with me, or the "why's" that want to show up. Let God show things as He will, but don't go digging for them or too deeply before I'm ready.

And this is the one that I am really adding on to the list... not something Tricia specifically sent me away thinking about. This is one that I have only realized now, after writing a brief email to Cindy (and oh, I can't wait to talk to Cindy D. about this too!)

Three: I have walked away from this appointment with a little smoldering wick. This bruised reed that I am is carrying a little flame that I thought was gone. In the face of it all, I do have one thing back, just from this session with Tricia. And now I have a name for it.

HOPE.

four hours...

Four hours.

Four. Hours.

That's how long I played the piano today.

Four.
Hours.
Straight.

I am filling in for our normal pianist for worship team. She had picked the music sets already for me, but there was a song or two that were really hard, as they were new and I had a hard time singing and playing them at the same time.

Did I mention they are also putting a mic on me at the piano? I'm singing too.

So, I pulled out the song that I couldn't sing AND play. Then I tried to fit in another song. Then that didn't work with the ones around it, and lo and behold, I kept only one of her songs in that set, and rearranged everything else.

It turned out well.

But it meant I really had to practice a lot tonight. So I started at 5pm after I was done with work. I played till almost 8pm took a 15 minute break, and then started rehearsal with the worship team - till 9:15pm or so.

It was hard work. My hands, fingers and arms aren't used to that hard work. On top of that, the grand piano at church has a harder touch than my piano at home, so I have to press the keys harder. Thus, more muscle work out.

However.

I spent 4 hours... on the piano... playing...
worship music.
playing and singing worship music.

To my God.

I may be exhausted. My voice is almost gone. My fingers can hardly type this. However, I think it was worth it.

God did something through that. The words must have sunk through to my sub-conscious. So, even when I was all worried about the chords and music and technical aspect, the truth about which I was singing somehow permeated me and touched my heart and soul where it needed it.

I didn't realize it till I got home.

I spent a bit of time with some friends, talking in the parking lot for a few minutes after I was done. Just hanging and finally relaxing from the day. It was a nice end to the day. Worship and then a little bit of fellowship and laughter with some friends.

I came home lighter than I went to work, by far.

God did that, folks. It was NOTHING I did at all.

I still have the same problems...
I'm still exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically....
I'm still grieving....
I still have guilt and the strong desire for forgiveness...

But God worked in my heart and reminded me that He still loves me.

One of the songs we sang talked about how God is mighty and strong to save.

"Oh what a Savior, freedom forever!
We lift our hands with chains undone.
Hearts have known mercy,
Cannot keep silent.
We sing a song of saving love."

Amazing words.
About our amazing God.

MY amazing God.

I am still extremely exhausted, but the very long day was worth it in the end...

My Father met me in a way I didn't expect and gave me a measure of peace tonight. It's enough to get to sleep with. I know He will give me enough for this weekend of crazy family stuff. He will give me enough to get through worship this Sunday, and He will use me to help lead others in worship. If I can do that, it will be more than enough.

Because He is more than enough.

He showed up for four hours.

Four.
Hours.

It was worth the time.

anger, shame and guilt

I don't know how to share what I want to - or even if I want to.

I am so mad, so angry at myself.

Yesterday, I thought it was at God.

Last night the guilt and shame kicked in, and I realized the anger was all directed at myself.

I read my "no send" letter to Tricia yesterday. It had been really hard to write. I couldn't write it until Saturday night, which was a bad idea, as then my brain didn't shut down and I had a hard time sleeping.

After I shared it, we talked about one of the main things that came up over and over in the letter. I had to give her all the back ground information so she knew the history, because this was something that I never talked about when we had counseled before.

At the time, there were other, more important, or at least pressing and debilitating things that needed addressing. So it never came out.

Until now.

Maybe God decided that I was ready for this, that I had the strength for this.

I think He is wrong.

The more we talked, the more agitated I became. At the end I apologized for picking at her pillow. I said something about being afraid I would pick it apart. She laughed and said that it has seemed to hold up pretty well so far.

We went over our time together a few minutes, but she still took the time to pray with me. That started some tears... a little bit. Then as we stood up and she offered me a hug, I almost lost it right then and there. I started to cry a little more, the tears really threatened to take over, but I was forcing them down, though I was shaking and I knew she could tell.

She pulled back and looked at me right in the eye. She asked me if I was upset with her for spending our whole time on the subject we did.

"No, not really," and then I paused and corrected myself, "I guess a little." It still wasn't the whole truth, but closer to it.

She accepted what I said, and encouraged me a bit more and then sent me on my way. As we walked out, we were going to set up an appointment, but I didn't have my calendar with me. I had to go back to work to get it... so we said that we would aim for 2 weeks out.

I left the office, walked down the hall, rounded the corner and ran into the bathroom that was there, locking the door behind me. I dropped my bag and slid down the wall, collapsing on the floor.

All I could say was, "Really? Really God?"

And the tears came, fast and hard.
Then I heard someone jiggle the door handle, wanting to use it, but finding it locked, I heard them walk away.
That stopped the tears.

I left the bathroom shortly after and took the stairs down the 3 floors. (I don't like elevators)

I made it back to work, and called to set up my next appointment. I tried for 2 weeks out, but my schedule didn't coordinate well with Tricia's. So I am going to see her next week, on Wednesday. It ends up being 9 days apart, rather than 14. But it was the best I could do without going out about 3 weeks or so.

After my appointment with her, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back, but I think God orchestrated it so that I could only get that appointment to work out in my schedule. I was so raw yesterday (and still am today) that I wasn't sure that I could wait even that long.

Now I know that I am going to be able to make it that long.

I have the chance this weekend to have some time alone. The kids are at the farm. Dave is working. I am going to try to get away from the house, and get away to a private place if possible (if my back yard doesn't work out) and process through some of the stuff we talked about.

I am not able to manage to do too much right now, or think to hard about what we talked about. Even writing this post is extremely hard.

This morning I was able to pray some on the way to work. I got there extremely early for me; I beat both of the pastors there. I grabbed some worship music and went to the piano and played for a while, and finally was able to sing some. God doesn't let me get away with singing and not really feeling the words.... so it helped break through some of the self imposed numbness.

It was a good start to the day. Probably the best I felt all day. Because as the day continued, my anxiety climbed, and I felt worse and worse. I am a bit better now, and ready to head to bed. I wasn't intending on writing today, because I didn't think I had anything to write about.

I guess I was wrong.

I know God is faithful. I know He is sovereign. I know He loves me. I know all this in my head. The guilt is overwhelming and the shame makes me want to hide. My emotions and the things I know have to be lies are over-riding the truth.

counseling and conscious shut-down...

I was planning on writing tonight about how my counseling session went with Tricia this afternoon.

I don't think I can yet.

I still need to process.

I will tell you, I was able to go back to work somehow afterward. But it wasn't pleasant, and thankfully I had less than an hour to work before I could go.

I will tell you, I spent a bit of time in the sanctuary after everyone was gone, yelling at God, feeling shame, confusion, guilt and lots of pain, mixed in with some despair too. Sure makes for a great combination (I'm kidding of course... hope you sensed the sarcasm intended there).

I will tell you that I very consciously shut down on my way home. I had to function tonight. I had to help with swim lessons. I had to somehow cope and deal with family life without falling apart.

So, I let myself yell in the sanctuary, and the car as I started my drive home. But I got to the end of a street, not far from the church and said,

"Ok, I'm done now. It's over, and I am not going to deal with this now. I can't do this tonight, I can't handle the pain. So I am done. No more tears, and no more thoughts."

And I shut it off.

Ok, so I know it's not really shut off and is still down in there somewhere.

I talked a bit to my friend Cindy D. tonight on the phone. We shared quite a bit and I had the opportunity to make a choice. I was faced with the question, do I share, or do I hold back? She asked how things went, and then quickly said that I didn't need to share. I eventually made the decision and shared with her. But for the most part, I was able to keep my emotions shut down.

Maybe I can write about it more later, once I have processed some and worked through some of the things on my own, and maybe more with Tricia this next week.

Just know I am now dealing with feelings of extreme shame and guilt on top of the grief already there.

Thank you for bearing with me as I process. It's been a long day and I am more than ready for bed, as long as my brain decides to shut down. And thank you to those of you who keep coming alongside me. I can't tell you how much it means to me!

coming unraveled...

I still feel like I am coming unraveled. I don't know what is wrong with me.

My brain is just not making sense of this.

Wednesday night I fell apart at church. I was there for worship rehearsal, and retreated to a quiet room, because I could feel my anxiety and fear going up, and I as soon as I got in there, I blew. I started crying - sobbing - so hard that I couldn't control it at all.

I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere.



Yesterday, I got a lot accomplished at home, which felt good. But I was running all day. I kept my hands and mind busy with lots of other things, so I didn't think too much.

Last night, Cindy D. came over after dropping her son off at work in town. When she got here, I started a fire in our fire pit. Her son got off of work, only 2 hours after he started, but he walked over to our house and hung out with Dave watching a Dr. Who episode and generally having a good guy time, while Cindy D. and I had good "girl time" at the fire.

As we talked, all that I had repressed during the day started to surface. She could tell that I was starting to "break" and she started to pray for me......

and the tears came
and the sobs started

I doubled over in my chair, just aching and hurting with no real release from it. It helped some, but I just hurt more.

She prayed that God would take the wall down that I had built up, brick by brick, that I would be able to let the tears flow and release some of what I have been holding in. I guess I did, but my internal reaction to her prayer was to tell God no, and try to take the bricks and put them back up.

I'm not sure how long I cried, but it was well after sunset before I was a bit more composed, and the tears still came on and off the rest of the night. I was so blessed by Cindy D's presence with me. She stayed with me through all the tears, and the pain. I got back to a place of relative peace, compared to earlier in the day. I don't think I would have gotten there alone. I was tempted to go to other coping mechanisms if she hadn't been able to come over.

I didn't want to think or feel.

Through her presence and her prayers, I sensed God with me, and I didn't have any more energy to run from Him. I knew He had orchestrated it that she would be there last night, and that I would feel safe enough with her. He knew what I needed and provided it.

We both praise God that He has given us this friendship. Neither of us, a few months ago could have imagined that we would be sitting around a fire talking and praying together - or that I would find her "safe" enough to completely lose control in front of her.

Cindy D. mentioned at one point that she could tell just how raw I was.
Oh, I was so raw.... Everything was just "out there."
There was no way I could contain or hide how I was really feeling.

After Cindy D. left last night, I went back out to the fire for a bit more. I ended up on my knees, leaning my head on my arms on the seat of the other chair, sobbing again. It felt like the tears were never ending. I haven't been this raw in SO long.

Now, today, I am raw and aching too. I don't have anyone with me here tonight. I have the kids, but no other adult to relate to or to be with me through this day - and through this pain.

I have been in or near tears on and off all day.



I feel like there is more going on here than losing Henry and grieving this loss.

Angela said that she wondered if it triggered something deeper in me.

Cindy D. said that she really didn't feel comfortable with the idea of me not going back to see Tricia and canceling that appointment... even though Tricia had left it open ended.

I think after last night, both Angela and Cindy D. would stick by those thoughts and feelings.



I don't want to go back to church (on Sunday). I don't want to go back to work on Monday. I don't want to have anything to do with God right now, because He is opening up something and I don't know what it is and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

I want to run and stuff and forget. I don't want to feel this much any more. I know that's not healthy. I know that's not what God wants. I know that's going backwards. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I'm overwhelmed.

I feel like I can't even write coherently. Everything comes pouring out at once. I hope you can make sense of it.

My mind sure isn't making sense of it. I just don't get why Henry's death has affected me so much. I don't know why/if it would trigger something else. I feel dumb about going back to Tricia because I can't hardly put anything to words either here or in my journal. I don't understand, my brain can't wrap around what's gone on and what I am feeling.

It isn't logical. It doesn't make sense - and therefore, I guess most of me is saying that those emotions aren't valid.... whatever they are.

Yet, I still feel unraveled - like someone took a seam ripper and just tore me apart at all my seams. I feel like a stuffed animal that has been torn apart, all the stuffing and insides coming out.

I feel open and raw and exposed.
I don't feel safe or protected right now.

I need to feel safe and protected right now... and I feel like God isn't doing it right now, whether that's true or not, and so I want to protect myself instead of trusting.

It's just where I'm at.
Coming unraveled, ripped open, raw, exposed....

.... and scared.

empty

Her voice was so empty today.

It broke my heart.

When she said it, I already knew it, because I knew that feeling I could sense in her voice, no matter what she said.

"I feel so empty."

All I could say was, "I know."

I don't know, really.
I don't know what it is to lose a spouse and feel that kind of empty, rattle around in a too quiet house.

But I know what it is to be so distant from someone that you feel like they are gone from your life. I know the emptiness that depression brings.

So maybe I know, just a little.

We were on the phone. I didn't have the time to go to her house to visit for the time that she needed, and get back to church for an evening meeting. So I had to settle for talking on the phone.

I wanted to give her the hug it seemed like she needed.

I don't know how to help her.

I want to help her.

At the same time I am hurting. I am sad. I am grieving too. Not in the same way she is. I have my own set of things going on too, that add to this new grief.

The memorial service was so wonderful this weekend. It was exactly as they had planned together before his death. It was a celebration of his life, the dignity of his death, and the anticipation he had of seeing Jesus.... the peace and joy that permeated the two of them those last weeks - even in the midst of tears.

The couple who always walked hand in hand are separated now for a while by death -- though he still lives -- they are separated, and she is longing for him and feeling so much like half of her is gone now.

As new as personally grieving is to me, so is walking with someone through their own grief. Much less walking with our small group together through this loss. Right now it's her, myself and one other couple, and a single young man who comes when he can.

My head hurts, my back hurts cause I am holding in all this tension. My stomach just aches. My throat has a big lump in it, but there are no tears to help relieve it all.

I want to run away, go hide somewhere, and really there is no where to go. Because I have to come back. I have a husband, children, a job, people counting on me.

I can't run away and hide somewhere alone. My husband already hardly has any activities outside of work and home. I have work and home, but also our small group once a week and am on worship team once a month. I can't run away and leave him with the kids, even for a day. I feel guilty. I have laundry a mile high I need to do, and other things around the house, and I don't want to do any of it. I just want to hide.... dive into a hole and pull it in behind me.

I want to ignore what happened this past weekend. Forget it and ignore it. I was able to today, until I talked to her.

In an email I wrote to the other couple in our small group I said that I feel dry, my prayers feel dry, and I feel like they are just a laundry list.

Yet at times, there is a little bit of comfort from His word. Just enough to keep me going. So that hopefully I won't feel so empty either.

strength and mourning...

The last few mornings I have been waking up and before I even step out of bed, between the snoozes, I have been praying.

It has been a really good way to wake up.

Through that, and trying to be intentional about praying in the car as I drive anywhere, my days have started out with prayer and worship.

God has been using these things, and others to build me up and strengthen me. I have been feeling a peace and a deeper sense of what I would call joy I guess.... even in the midst of depression.

My emotions have stabilized out somewhat.

To God be the glory, because I know where I was at about 3 weeks ago!

Now one of my dear friends, almost like a mother to me, Sandy, is facing losing her husband to colon cancer.

They have been through so much as a couple - I think I have mentioned them here before. Her husband, Henry is at home on hospice. He hasn't been eating or drinking much of anything. He had a really rough night last night.

This weekend the whole family was going to get together to celebrate some shared birthdays. However this morning Henry asked Sandy, in a clear moment, to call the kids and have them come today.

Sandy asked me to pray that once the kids got there to say goodbye, that things would happen quickly so that he would be free from this body, and pain.

They've been married 47 1/2 years.

I can't imagine what this is like - for either of them.

Now I realize why God has been strengthening me this week. So that I can walk alongside her, and our other friends who will be mourning our loss and Henry's gain... even if it doesn't come today, or tomorrow, or even this week....

Their most recent request that went out on the prayer chain follows.

"Please pray for Henry and Sandy who are gathered with their family. Pray that Henry will be able to be kept comfortable during this time. Please pray for the Lord's timing in Henry's life."

My heart aches for them.
And I am out of words.

Please join us all in prayer for them, and for their family.

On the road...
Heather

Let this cup pass me by....

Well here is my update.

Yup.

I was right. I'm back on the anti-depressant.

Not so sure how I feel about that yet. Still struggling with it I guess. Sort of in shock. Sort of numb.

I feel kind of like I failed, came up short, didn't really give it all I had to give.

I've felt that way many times in my life - like I just come up short of really giving it everything I have, not quite totally spending myself in something - always leaving something in reserve, rather than leaving it all out on the field.

I guess I kind of feel that way now.

Whether it's the truth or not.... I don't really know, honestly.

Maybe those few of you who have been reading my infrequent posts the past few months or so might be able to tell me, or give me a more accurate picture of myself.

I called in my prescription and will pick it up on my way home from work.

I am so done in. I am ready to call it quits... but I have about 3 tons of laundry to do.... and I work yet today and tomorrow. Too much to do, and no time to do it in.

All I really want to do is curl up and pull the covers over my head till it all goes away, or leaves me alone, which ever comes first and lasts the longest.

Not much chance of either, really, is there?

I hope God uses this medication to make me more functional again. I feel like I am faking it most days, when all I want to do is curl up in a little ball somewhere and cry (when I'm at work, I want to get under my desk where no one can see me.... at home, it's my bed....)

At least I haven't gone down as deep as I once did. I was at a whole different level of hurt then. I had a lot of past stuff to deal with. God has healed me from a lot.

When I doubt it, or doubt that it was God, I go back into my old posts and start reading.

So I know I am starting at a different place now. My feet have been on much more solid ground... more truth under my feet than there was before.... I am basing less of me on lies - and the sinking sand, so my footing is that much more secure.

But I still feel like I have fallen pretty hard.

One of the pastors that I work with encouraged me today to not give up, and to keep on pressing in towards God, to keep reminding myself of what the truth is.

I know he is right. When I am thinking clearly, or have more energy, I do that - I am able to refocus my mind, even a little and it becomes easier.

But when I am tired, when my brain is fuzzy, it doesn't seem to help to have that encouragement. I just feel even more dumb and tired and silly for even having these thoughts and feelings... which is totally NOT the result anyone has for encouraging me!

However, I do need the reminders to dwell on the truth.

I need the TRUTH like I thirst for water.

I need JESUS more than ever.

I am so thankful that He knew what it was to despair, to be depressed, and yet to still trust His Father and have a close relationship with Him, even when He was begging for the cup to be taken from Him.

Because I think that is what I have been doing. Begging God to take the cup away from me...... but I haven't been like Jesus in saying, "not my will but Your's be done."

I'm not there right now.

I have been there in the past as I have seen how God has used my experiences to help others, either through this blog or in personal, private conversations.

But again, right now, I am begging God to let this cup pass me by.

It seems I have to drink of it again.

It's very hard to swallow.

Again.