I still feel like I am coming unraveled. I don't know what is wrong with me.
My brain is just not making sense of this.
Wednesday night I fell apart at church. I was there for worship rehearsal, and retreated to a quiet room, because I could feel my anxiety and fear going up, and I as soon as I got in there, I blew. I started crying - sobbing - so hard that I couldn't control it at all.
I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere.
Yesterday, I got a lot accomplished at home, which felt good. But I was running all day. I kept my hands and mind busy with lots of other things, so I didn't think too much.
Last night, Cindy D. came over after dropping her son off at work in town. When she got here, I started a fire in our fire pit. Her son got off of work, only 2 hours after he started, but he walked over to our house and hung out with Dave watching a Dr. Who episode and generally having a good guy time, while Cindy D. and I had good "girl time" at the fire.
As we talked, all that I had repressed during the day started to surface. She could tell that I was starting to "break" and she started to pray for me......
and the tears came
and the sobs started
I doubled over in my chair, just aching and hurting with no real release from it. It helped some, but I just hurt more.
She prayed that God would take the wall down that I had built up, brick by brick, that I would be able to let the tears flow and release some of what I have been holding in. I guess I did, but my internal reaction to her prayer was to tell God no, and try to take the bricks and put them back up.
I'm not sure how long I cried, but it was well after sunset before I was a bit more composed, and the tears still came on and off the rest of the night. I was so blessed by Cindy D's presence with me. She stayed with me through all the tears, and the pain. I got back to a place of relative peace, compared to earlier in the day. I don't think I would have gotten there alone. I was tempted to go to other coping mechanisms if she hadn't been able to come over.
I didn't want to think or feel.
Through her presence and her prayers, I sensed God with me, and I didn't have any more energy to run from Him. I knew He had orchestrated it that she would be there last night, and that I would feel safe enough with her. He knew what I needed and provided it.
We both praise God that He has given us this friendship. Neither of us, a few months ago could have imagined that we would be sitting around a fire talking and praying together - or that I would find her "safe" enough to completely lose control in front of her.
Cindy D. mentioned at one point that she could tell just how raw I was.
Oh, I was so raw.... Everything was just "out there."
There was no way I could contain or hide how I was really feeling.
After Cindy D. left last night, I went back out to the fire for a bit more. I ended up on my knees, leaning my head on my arms on the seat of the other chair, sobbing again. It felt like the tears were never ending. I haven't been this raw in SO long.
Now, today, I am raw and aching too. I don't have anyone with me here tonight. I have the kids, but no other adult to relate to or to be with me through this day - and through this pain.
I have been in or near tears on and off all day.
I feel like there is more going on here than losing Henry and grieving this loss.
Angela said that she wondered if it triggered something deeper in me.
Cindy D. said that she really didn't feel comfortable with the idea of me not going back to see Tricia and canceling that appointment... even though Tricia had left it open ended.
I think after last night, both Angela and Cindy D. would stick by those thoughts and feelings.
I don't want to go back to church (on Sunday). I don't want to go back to work on Monday. I don't want to have anything to do with God right now, because He is opening up something and I don't know what it is and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
I want to run and stuff and forget. I don't want to feel this much any more. I know that's not healthy. I know that's not what God wants. I know that's going backwards. I just don't want to do it anymore.
I feel like I can't even write coherently. Everything comes pouring out at once. I hope you can make sense of it.
My mind sure isn't making sense of it. I just don't get why Henry's death has affected me so much. I don't know why/if it would trigger something else. I feel dumb about going back to Tricia because I can't hardly put anything to words either here or in my journal. I don't understand, my brain can't wrap around what's gone on and what I am feeling.
It isn't logical. It doesn't make sense - and therefore, I guess most of me is saying that those emotions aren't valid.... whatever they are.
Yet, I still feel unraveled - like someone took a seam ripper and just tore me apart at all my seams. I feel like a stuffed animal that has been torn apart, all the stuffing and insides coming out.
I feel open and raw and exposed.
I don't feel safe or protected right now.
I need to feel safe and protected right now... and I feel like God isn't doing it right now, whether that's true or not, and so I want to protect myself instead of trusting.
It's just where I'm at.
Coming unraveled, ripped open, raw, exposed....
.... and scared.