Monday, August 2, 2010


Maybe it is all intertwined and I haven't realized it fully till now.

I am still working through it, and processing here - but that may be it.

I was telling my counselor that since I got off my meds I was ok, but started working and after the new year, things started going downhill for me again. There were times I knew it was spiritual attack, and other times it was exhaustion or the activities I was involved in, etc. that were causing momentary stress, resulting in depression. But I figured that the depression started deepening on its own in January and February.

Hmm.. Look at what I realized.

End of January - Henry was diagnosed with cancer
Early February - Henry had surgery, and they discovered the extent of the cancer.
5 weeks later - Henry started chemo

And from there on, he progressively got worse.

A five month journey that ended in his homecoming.

Maybe the other things going on in my life caused the depression. Maybe I do have a chemical imbalance that I will always need to take anti-depressants. Maybe I have gifts that have weaknesses of depression.

"Maybe" it's all of those things combined.

I think now though all those things are intertwined with Henry's death. It's too much of a "coincidence" to be completely unrelated.

Everything is all intertwined. There is no escaping it.

I work at the church, and hear things that make me want to weep. I see the prayer requests that come across my desk. I feel the struggles the church is going through as a pastor leaves to start a church plant.

I am part of a small group who walked alongside a couple in their individual struggles with cancer. One survived her battle - the other survived too, but is in heaven waiting for us. The ache in all our hearts, the empty chair in our meetings, the shared tears last week at small group.... these all pull at my heart and emotions.

I live with my family, with a husband who works hard as a nurse in a particularly challenging area, who comes home wiped out, and still tries his best to engage with me and the kids. I have a son who is sensitive to others around him, and aware of the struggles of his family, even if not consciously. Who doesn't want to practice his reading to get ready for first grade, and who struggles with anxiety, generalized and specific at times. I also have a little girl who is becoming more stubborn and willful as the weeks go on.

I find myself wondering if I am doing my family a disservice by working, but right now, we need it.... and so I am torn between what I do, who I am, who I need to be, where I am needed and how do I balance all this stuff that is so intertwined with one another, I can't separate it.

I can see how all this stuff is working in my life, the added worries and pressures.... and the heartaches that I have for the "others" around me. They all put pressure on my heart and emotions. Any chemical imbalance or personal struggles add to the pressure.

I feel like a rubber band being stretched to, and beyond, it's limit. I am cringing, waiting for the snap and resulting sting of the impending breaking point being reached. And, I am wondering if God is going to let go of this rubber band and let it relax some and regain it's equilibrium before it's stretched again.

Or am I going to have to endure?

The snap.
The sting.
The break.

This time being stretched will I get the relief before it's too late?

Or is the snap, the sting and the break just what God wants for me - to remind me that He is God and I am not?

To be broken is to be healed. I know that. From experience. That healing is such a sweet release and relief.

And there are more threads that are intertwined. God using my past experiences of brokenness to help me during this time of loss and change and confusion and hurt.

I don't know if any of my questioning will help me "figure out" why I am depressed or better one day and not the next or why I feel numb when I do.

All these different things that I have experienced, or am experiencing are more than enough just on their own to pull me down. They do. If I'm not careful. But all combined and intertwined, all tangled in this sticky web I am in, I feel stuck and stretched and exhausted. I want to curl up and hibernate until these things are gone. But sleeping will not get me through them.

God, I don't know where this leaves me. I am so tired. I am so worn. I am stretched - to my breaking point, it feels. You say You are with me. You say You will sustain me. You say that You will guide me. Help me to choose You, rather than to run or block You out. For the sake of your name, lead me and guide me. All these things I have talked about are so intertwined around me God, and I know I will never figure them out on my own, and maybe I don't need to. But You see all the individual threads and the whole tapestry at the same time. Please keep you hand on me. I can't walk this road without You.... I can't stay on this road without Your hands holding me up.

** The above picture can be found at Mademoiselle Chaos.

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