Thursday, August 26, 2010

For the most part...

This week has been pretty good.

For the most part.

I have pushed back the depression.

For the most part.

I have written in my journal and expressed my emotions to God.

For the most part.

I have worked on trying to enjoy the pleasant moments that come to me.

For the most part.

But today, though it's sunny out and there is a warm gentle breeze in the air, I'm tired.

I have laundry to do, and somehow come up with a dinner plan with what I have in the house. I'm too tired to go out and buy something, anything to make the meal plan easier or better.

This weekend we have a special Sunday. There is going to be a baptism. Not just of one person, but of about 6 or 7. Four of them are new believers within this past year or so. One couple is a mother and her son.

I am so excited for them!

We are centering our whole church service around them. Our pastor might say a little bit as a reflection, but their testimonies are going to be our sermon really. I mean, who can refute what God has done in their lives? What else could possibly convict us more of any sins or encourage those of us who are discouraged?

I know that God is going to work and it's going to be a special weekend and I celebrate with them.

For the most part.

I think part of me is jealous a little bit. I mean, I was baptized as an adult believer. At this church. I did it back in November of 2002. My husband had already been baptized not long after he had become a Christian. I never had. I felt that my public confession of faith was when I was confirmed in front of the church that Dave and I were eventually married at.

I never saw the need to be baptized as an adult. I was baptized as a baby, and I knew that wasn't right, or enough. I knew after I became a believer that there had to be more, a public confession. So, I was discipled by a Lutheran pastor and he did a special confirmation service for me, in front of that whole church, with my family in attendance.

The reason I was baptized at this church was because it was a requirement to become a member.

I agreed with that.

For the most part.

The other part of me was, well, not exactly happy. I didn't think that because I wasn't baptized as a believing adult, but instead did a public confession through confirmation as a believing adult, that I should be "barred" from membership in the church.

I did it, as I look back on it, because it was a requirement to become a member of the church. Something I had to do. To me then if felt like a hoop made by man to "jump through" to qualify. It was something that I had to do so that I could become part of this family that I so wanted to be a part of. To be accepted.

I was reflecting on this the other day, and realized that I wish I could be baptized again. But this time with the right attitude behind it. I think the wish behind it was that I really would make it a public confession. To my family. To Dave's family. When I was baptized in 2002, I didn't tell any of them. I kept it quiet, because to me it was just a requirement for membership at the time.

I won't be baptized again, because that isn't what adult baptism is about. It is about a public confession that someone has turned away from their old life, and given their hearts and lives to Christ. I have already publicly confessed that.

I guess what I want is a special touch. From God.

For the most part.

I need something tangible. I want something tangible. I want something public(ish). Not to get attention, but to finally get to the point of laying down some things. Some things that I have been carrying and not really told anyone about - it's just been me and God - and my counselor with some of it.

Our church doesn't do alter calls. It used have times during one service a month where people could come forward for special prayer. It is an option (not widely known, I don't think) that people can have the Overseers of our church come and anoint them with oil and lay hands on them and pray for/over them.

I don't really know how to express what I desire in my heart, or what I need. I don't know what else to say.

I am still struggling with finding this depression coming back down on me so hard... even though I am not in the same place I was before, it still feels the same... that suffocating darkness.

I struggle with letting things get between me and God. I turn away from them, then go back to them, then turn away from them again. And I feel guilty

I would love to have those things "washed away" though I know that baptism really won't do that.

I guess I would really love to have someone else to pray over me, for me. My small group leader and his wife are more than overwhelmed, with Henry's death, with their own problems, with the different needs and hard times all of us have gone through individually. Besides, we haven't met for a month.

I don't really know how to put things into words well right now.

I am so thankful that God knows my heart. I am so grateful that He can redeem anything - including my attitude and interior motives when I was baptized. I am so glad He can redeem the bad things out of my past. Redeem and buy back and restore the things that depression takes away from me.

And oh, His forgiveness and patience with me. Though I find myself clinging to worthless idols. When I cling to God, His grace covers me.

I know Jesus is more than enough for me. I know that He can take so many things that are bothering me in my life right now, things that are struggles and love me through them and keep me in His arms and that He can cover it all. He is more than enough for all my mistakes.

This weekend I will see and hear the testimonies to those very things. In the lives of people that I care about, and those I am just starting to get to know.

So, I will rejoice with them.

For the most part.

Because that other part of me still wishes for that chance to "do over" my baptism. That other part of me wants to be up there with them.

But this is their story.
Mine is different.

But God has authored them all.

1 comment:

Clay Feet said...

I find your comments very interesting and very resonant. If you read my post on Clay Feet in 1997 you will see what I wrote just before my own re-baptism. So many things you said are very similar to feelings that I struggled with for months before I was baptized again - and for some of the very reasons you gave here.