Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I need my Papa

I need my Papa.
My Daddy.

My Abba Father.

I didn't realize how much, I guess.

I talked to a friend tonight. A friend that God restored to me. A friendship He restored and renewed for both of us, in His divine timing.

We talked, and the walls I had up during the day just crumbled near the end of our conversation. I could hear God's whisper in her words.

I started to cry. At first I think I was trying to hold it back. Then I couldn't anymore. She started to pray. I sobbed. She prayed that I would be able to climb up in God's lap and feel His arms around me, rocking me and telling me it's going to be ok.

I could just see it. God does that sometimes for me. He helps me visualize something, and it goes so deep....

I could see myself curled up in my Daddy's lap, clinging to Him as He rocked me back and forth in His arms.

It hurts! It hurts so much. I don't know what to do with it. I hurt. Deep inside. It scares me. This depression and despair that crushes me down into bed in the morning, daring me to try to climb out of bed, much less take a deep breath.... It dogs my heels during the day, and rushes and jumps on me as I get more and more tired.
I fend it off by trying to stuff how I am feeling, how I am doing. But I know You know.
Daddy, I need to be held. I need You to hold me. I need to feel physical arms to hold me. I need You to strengthen me. My arms are feeble. My legs are weak. I am so weary, a deep, down inside, mind numbing weary. I can't do this anymore. I know You will in me. But sometimes I don't even have the strength of will left to even let You.
I need my Papa!
I need You. I ache for You... I am dry and weary and there is no water. I know that You hold me in Your arms. Papa, help me to cling to You, and You alone!

Oh to be able to literally feel myself rocked in His arms. The arms of my Daddy.

Henry was a father to me in many ways - a stand in for my own father who is 3 hours away from me. I am going to miss him so much. I know I will see Henry again. And maybe time will soften this blow.......

But right now....

I need my Papa.


Clay Feet said...


Laura said...

Oh, sweet Heather...Let Him wrap you in His love. I had to come over and see what you have been going through. I'm so sorry. I am lifting you and Henry's loved ones up in prayer. You are so loved. You are held. He catches your tears.

Sending love.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

What a difficult time you're walking through, Heather, for so many reasons. Death has a way of putting us in touch with the rawest of human emotion, also forcing us to deal with some hard questions.

Prayers for you as you walk through this mellow time of mourning.


Pamela (His maidservant) said...

Me too...I have been in His lap...totally broken and no one will ever take away His presence that was so strong in that moment. Rest in Him. It is possible Heather!

Believing Him...Experiencing Him~Pamela