Yesterday, I came to work and didn't know what to expect.
I walked in with more of a tender heart than I realized.
I spent my quiet time in the sanctuary, and found myself crying some - mostly out of empathy for Sandy. A little bit later in the morning, I found myself in one of my pastor's office crying there as he prayed for me.
I was raw all day.
At the end of the day I got to go see Sandy. I stopped in before I went out to get the kids from the farm. We talked. For nearly 2 hours.
It was good because I was finally able to share, at least a little bit, how I was doing, and how I felt about losing Henry. As we talked, we both cried on and off... but in the end she told me that it was so good to talk about Henry with someone else, and to know that she wasn't the only one here who was grieving.... even if her grief is much deeper and different than mine.
I think it was healing in a way for both of us.
Today, I was so tired when I got to work that I really wasn't feeling much of anything. Just was kind of wondering how this day was going to turn out.
As the day has gone on, I find myself questioning again why I went to see Tricia and if it really did any good. Questioning why I'm struggling so much. Questioning IF I really am struggling with anything other than depression.
The lies seep back in again.
"I should be stronger than this," I find myself saying.
I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well, so I end up more tired the next day. It grows progressively worse.
I wrote in my journal earlier:
"Yup, most of my emotions are gone again, except probably anger at 'pat' sounding answers. Today I'm not ready to give up - not yet - but yesterday felt so freeing and today so restricted I can hardly stand it!"
I had the opportunity to get away this weekend. My mom gave me an open invitation to just come down and have some peace and quiet, even without the kids. I was ready to take her up on it. I still want to. However, now I can't find anyone to help me with the kids (to watch them) because family is all tied up - Dave included. So I either take them, or don't go at all... and just hope that my family can come up and visit sometime soon.
Maybe I'll be able to go still - God can always do that. But He knows what I need, and what will be the best for me, and the most restful and renewing.
I want to pull away and spend some time alone with God. Really meet with Him.
Yet, when I might get an hour here or there, I find myself running instead. I probably could have had a full "weekend of hours" in the past couple of weeks, if I had used them wisely instead of wasting them.
Now I have to go finish the rest of my day and hope that I can keep going as long as it takes.
God, help me through the rest of this day, because You know how close I am to giving up and quitting right now. Closer than I was earlier when I wrote. I think what exhausts me the most Lord, is the swinging between being emotional and not. The hits I take from the lies in between, I am too tired to fight them, and yet I am supposed to persevere. How, when it takes all I have to stay awake in this chair here? God, please help me make sense of this all - if not in my head, at least in my heart. Settle me. Keep hanging onto me. I don't feel You there - but You say You will not leave me. If I don't believe that, what in the world do I have left to believe and cling to?