Monday, July 26, 2010

an elephant...

Oh boy, has my week been up and down!

Thursday was NOT a good day by any stretch of the imagination. I ran... as far and as fast as I could. I had the opportunity to spend a good chunk of time with God and I ran the other way.... totally the opposite direction. Oh, and I was so mad at myself for doing it. I knew I was doing it and couldn't or didn't or wasn't willing to stop myself.

Friday, I was numb again. I was exhausted. Thursday, I was anticipating time with God, then when I ran (probably in fear of any emotions) I got furious with myself. By Friday, I was back to numb again. I had nothin' for nobody.

Saturday, God's grace flowed over me. The kids didn't wake me up too early. They sat and watched some cartoons and snacked on cereal. I was able to sit in my bed, with my bible and journal and bible study spread out around me, with a hot latte at my elbow.

I had nearly an hour of time with God, at the end of which, I asked God to help me really be "present" with my children that day.

It was such a good day, and one we all needed.

Yesterday was draining, and thus, my mood tanked.

Worship at church was wonderful. However, I was alone at church with a 4yr old and 6yr old who kept asking me when we were leaving and if they could go to the farm.

They were pretty good in church. But we didn't get home until about 1:30pm, between the business meeting and potluck afterward. They were done in and so was I.

Thankfully, they wanted to play with play-doh, so I set them up and then collapsed on my bed. I was still in my church clothes but didn't care by that point. I curled up in a ball around a pillow with the blankets over me and didn't move.

Wanted to sleep but only was able to doze a bit between interruptions from the kids.
Wanted to cry the lump out of my throat, but nothing came when I tried to let go.
Wanted to stay in bed the rest of the day, but had to take care of the kids and prep for small group.

So, after they were done with their downtime, so was I. I got up, changed and got them outside to play.

After a while, because it was so hot, I set up the slip and slide for them and let them get wet and grassy. Dave took them inside to shower and dress while I built a fire for our small group.

Once I got active and into the day, I was ok. But I was still tired, and depressed. It really didn't lift too much. Hit me like a ton of bricks when I got home, and stayed there.

Once the kids were back outside with me, Dave escaped to do his "computer rounds" (he fixes other peoples computers for fun). Pete and Donna got there to join Sandy and I and the kids for hot dogs and s'mores. It was a good time of eating and talking around the fire, but as the night progressed, you could tell things were just heavy on all of us.

Peter and Donna had some hard news to share. I had hard news to share too, about my going to see Tricia again. Sandy didn't say much. But we know her hard stuff she is having to deal with.

It was a hard night. We want to come together to draw around each other and lift each other up, but right now, we are all hurting and aren't doing that very well.

It is an unspoken thing in our small group that we are all missing and hurting about Henry's death. It is the big elephant in the room that no one is talking about.

Sandy isn't in a place yet where she can recognize that others are missing him and hurting about his passing, because it is so overwhelming for her - she prays to go home and be with her sweetheart. Besides her children, she can't even take in anything else.

She was surprised when Cindy D. told her that I was having a hard time with Henry's death. She said to me privately last night that she didn't think that it would affect me so much.

Wouldn't affect me so much?

Henry and Sandy have been a part of my life for 6 years. They are family. I love them both. I miss him. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to come alongside someone who is grieving.

Right now I may not be able to feel for myself, but I feel for the others in our small group. I hurt for Sandy who has lost her other half. I hurt for Peter and Donna who have lost a good friend of at least 20 years. I hurt for Henry and Sandy's kids who have been having to help Sandy go through all of his tools this past weekend.

I want to go see Tricia tonight.
I Don't want to go see Tricia to night.


I want to see her because I have missed her. I know she cares for me, and has my best at heart. We have history together, and she knows what I have been through. I know she will be able to help me and walk me through whatever "this thing" (whatever it is) is going to look like.

I don't want to see her because the lies are going on that I really don't need to be there. That my feelings aren't valid. That I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am. That I shouldn't have been struggling with depression ever since I got off the anti-depressant, and so my "fix" should just be the medication, not counseling!

When Sandy said that she was surprised Henry's death was affecting me so much, it made second guess my reaction to his death. It made me think that maybe I was just making all this stuff up, and perpetuated the lies I have succumbed to at times.

At the same time I know she was/is speaking out of a place of terrible loss. She can't comprehend or even attempt to take in others' loss compared to hers.

Hopefully I will be able to share some of this with Tricia tonight, with some sort of clarity. I don't know for sure if I will be able to. Please pray for me! There is so much more behind what I have shared here on my blog. I really don't even know where to start! Back at the beginning, but I don't even know what the beginning was!

But at least I have some of my writing back. That has dried up as my depression increased and my work load increased. Now there is something there that I have to get out, so I write.

Focused or not, I write.

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