What I walked away with today....

I walked out of my appointment with Tricia today, feeling by far much better than I have in a long time.

I didn't hold anything back from her that I could think of, not knowingly anyway. I told her how frustrated I had been in our last session and going back to work out of it. She nodded and said that she had been able to tell.

When I shared how I had exploded more or less once the church was empty that night, she also said that she was pretty sure she had left me in a fragile state when I walked out of the office, but she didn't want to say that in case she planted a thought that wasn't really there. Boy, I'm glad things didn't get worse than they did last week, or there would have been some pieces to be picked up!

We talked about what God has done this week. How He has worked, and just how He used that frustrating session last week to get me just out there enough to talk to Sandy about it, a little, after a lot of prying on her part. Her persistence and her verbally forgiving me, and reminding me that Henry wouldn't want me to beat myself up either, and that I was by far more important than anything else.... that changed me, though I didn't know or recognize it at the time.

I didn't recognize it until I was sharing the things of the week with Tricia and she started praising God right there in the middle of it. She got so excited she nearly jumped up and down! Slapped her clipboard down on the footstool between us, and out loud praised God for how He works all things together.

Because, as I now realize it, He did. He worked this past week - the pain - the hurt - the guilt - the frustration from my session - my conversation with Sandy - my tiredness - my lowered defenses - into a healing for me. Not fully, but a lightening of the load.

Maybe that's part of why I walked out of Tricia's office today feeling lighter.

Is the depression gone?
No.
I wish it were that easy.

I wish I could say, "Nah, I don't really need to come back. I'm fine now."

However, I would probably be back in 6 months or a year, burned out and worse than I am now.

I told Tricia that there are better days than others. Sometimes I am too busy to notice the depression except in passing. Other days it nearly debilitates me and makes me non-functional. Sometimes I am ok, and experiencing a pleasant moment, but I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and wonder when the storm is going to hit, how fast it is moving, and how severe it's going to be.

Tricia said to me that she was feeling that Henry's death was just the icing on the cake for me. The she looked at me and asked me what the cake was... expecting an answer. What did I say?

I. Don't. Know.

We don't know what that "cake" is under the icing. Neither of us do. Maybe there is nothing there, maybe there is another layer from previous things that needs to be addressed. Really we don't know, but there were some things that were brought up today (for another post) that are things to explore.

Tricia prayed for both of us at the end of our session today. She prayed for me that I would be able to see the good times and essentially experience the "joy moments" and for guidance and help for the worship rehearsal tonight, and my job and the upcoming events that are causing me stress.

She prayed for herself that God would give her the wisdom to know how to help. That He would grant her discernment in how to continue to develop a treatment plan for me, and that she would have His wisdom in everything and every way.

I came out of Tricia's office today with two things from her to remember.

Three things though I have walked away with.

One: When I have something pleasant happen, enjoy it. Take note of it. Experience it. Don't just blow by it unnoticed and unappreciated. From the simple sun on my face, to a quiet snuggle with the kids, to an unexpected but wonderful talk with my husband.

Two: Don't go digging too deep. Don't try to over analyze what is going on with me, or the "why's" that want to show up. Let God show things as He will, but don't go digging for them or too deeply before I'm ready.

And this is the one that I am really adding on to the list... not something Tricia specifically sent me away thinking about. This is one that I have only realized now, after writing a brief email to Cindy (and oh, I can't wait to talk to Cindy D. about this too!)

Three: I have walked away from this appointment with a little smoldering wick. This bruised reed that I am is carrying a little flame that I thought was gone. In the face of it all, I do have one thing back, just from this session with Tricia. And now I have a name for it.

HOPE.

teaching in the midst of distress

It's hard to write when your heart is heavy.

The ups and downs I have been through make it difficult for me to keep my head on straight and keep my gaze focused on Jesus, much less my husband, kids, job, or writing.

Last week was really hard, but late in the week, I felt like my head started to stay out of the water a bit longer at a time. I finally felt like I could breathe again.

I could finally take a deep breath and feel the sun on my face again. What a blessing!

God continually lifts me out of the pit, and he continually renews me, day by day. He lifts me out, refocuses my eyes and mind on Him. He sets my feet upon the rock of my salvation.

God also continues to teach me in the midst of my distress.

I have been struggling with a lot of self image issues lately. I know everyone struggles with them. Maybe I need to go revisit the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I had a lot of help from that, and probably need the review.

However, it has gotten pretty severe lately.

Over and over God has pushed to the forefront several different verses, and also kept speaking to me on this.... from before I got hit with this latest round of depression, through it, and now bringing it back to mind..... again and again.

I have a feeling it is something I am not going to be able to escape.

How about this verse to try on for size?

"Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
Honor him, for he is your lord."
Psalm 45:10-11

That came to me at the end of April. For the past what, two weeks or so maybe, I have been struggling with them. These verses.... God gave me the image that He is the King who is enthralled with my beauty.
My beauty.

I mean, I can spiritualize that and say that He is just seeing me through the blood of Christ, redeemed and spiritually beautiful. But I don't think that is the point that God is trying to make to me.

Our Pastor's wife shared with us this weekend. One thing she shared, that really spoke right into where I am at, at the moment, was talking about where beauty comes from. It doesn't come from our outward adornment, and in 1 Timothy, Paul says that women should dress modestly with decency and propriety.

Vicki looked up old testament women who were described as beautiful, like Sarah, Rebecca, etc, and found the root word they were translated from.

She found the same root word used in other places. Places like creation when God created Adam and Eve, and then called them good. "Good" in this case, as He talked about His creation, was the same root word.

"tobe" meaning among many other things:

pleasing to look at
favored
blessed
prosperous
happy
cheerful
kind
gracious
proper
fitting
useful
(from Strongs H2896)

Those were all words that embody both "beautiful" and "good."

God sees me as all these things when He calls me beautiful and good.

"The king is enthralled by your beauty;
Honor him, for he is your lord."
Psalm 45:11

How can I deny what He says in His Word? He plainly states he is enthralled with me. I am His beloved. I can rest secure in that.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." Deut. 33:12

I can rest secure in Him. He shields me. I rest between His shoulders. He carries me, covers me, protects me. And loves me. And is enthralled by me. By my beauty.

Now if only I can like and appreciate and love His beloved like He does, I might be on the right track.

Life is good, God is better!

Last year at this time, I was looking at my life, wondering how I was possibly going to get through the new year with no counseling. I had just finished with my counselor, and was scared I couldn't do it on my own.

I was right. I couldn't.
But God did.

There were many things that He helped me do this year.

He prompted me to sign up for the conference "She Speaks" through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I prepared my talks, I went, I made new friends, I spoke... I also learned a ton!

God got me involved in the leadership team that is helping plan our church's first women's retreat (coming in February).

He also gave me a part time job as the administrator for my church.

Those are 3 big things that I didn't think I would be doing any time soon. Looking into 2009 last year, I had no idea those things were on the horizon (though I did suspect that She Speaks was).

God has blessed me in so many ways this year. Though I haven't written as much as I did the first year, I am just finishing my second year of blogging. I still have been able to write, and not just "newsy" stuff, but heart stuff too.

He has given me friendships through my blog and through Facebook that I would have never thought possible.

He helped me work through and memorize 24 verses through the Siesta 1st and 15th Scripture Memory challenge through the LPM blog. Some of them are a bit fuzzy now.... but I still have them there, and I still had them as I needed them for the circumstances I faced.

He helped me get a solo in Wausau Lyric Choir last spring. Did a major healing in me through that concert alone. And then He asked me to step down from it this year. It has made me sad, but right now, I know it would be too much and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I got to go, with several miracles on God's part, with a friend to the Living Proof Live event in Green Bay this year.

Jesus has led me through some life coaching with a dear friend.... and helped me walk with that same friend through some rough times of her own this fall and winter.

One thing that I didn't accomplish was getting finished with writing about She Speaks and all that I learned there. I kind of left you all hanging there... at Part 8 I think... when I was done with all my portion of the speaking, and going in to hear Jennifer Rothschild speak to us.

I guess I will have to finish up writing about She Speaks this coming year!


There is that familiar phrase that everyone uses (almost, it seems anyway) "Life is good." It's even its own clothing label now.

Life IS good....
Because GOD is good.

Whether the circumstances are good or not.... and they aren't always good...... God is in them. He is good. He loves each and every one of us so dearly.

And that is what makes life good.

Because even in the dark, in the light, and in the in-between God is there with us. He holds us, no matter how far away we push Him.... He stays there. With us.

Always.

Life is good....
.... but God is better!

May God bless you and yours this day and all the ones to come.
Love,

Advent of Trust #20; Listen the first time

Today we sat up at the very front of church. It's something that my son insists on. He wants to be near the very front, because his AWANA leader sits in the front, and he wants to sit right behind her.

So there we were in the second row, when my 3 3/4 yr. old daughter, Marina, decided to cop an attitude with me. I don't remember what it was about. I just know that during the sermon, she started pouting and loudly telling me "no" about something. Right in front of Pastor Kim.

Yeah.

That didn't go over so well with me.

I made sure she understood that if she didn't quite down we were out of there. She made more noise, and I moved her to the aisle, picked her up and made my way to the back of the church.

She started to put up a fight, kicking her legs (imagine me holding her facing away from me, sitting as if my arms were a seat... then her arching her back and kicking at the same time....)

Then she realized that everyone in the church could see her.
Everyone.

Because. we. were. in. the. front.

She stopped fighting me and I started hearing her stifling her cries.

By the time we were near the back row, she had clapped both hands over her mouth to keep her crying "inside."

As soon as we got out the doors of the sanctuary, she stopped stifling the cries, and let loose.... all the way back to the library.

There we had some privacy for some discipline. A short talk, then we walked back into the sanctuary. Marina was much better the rest of the service.

Aren't we like my daughter sometimes?

We know what we are supposed to do, we have freedom within certain limits. But we push our limits, and are reminded to stay within them or there will be consequences. Sometimes we listen. Other times, well, not so much.

When we don't listen, God has to take us, and discipline us. Sometimes we look for sympathy from others... sometimes we know and dread what's coming, and stifle our cries till we can't any longer.

But when we finally submit, surrender and seek forgiveness, how quickly the relationship is restored!

I wish I would learn to "listen the first time" as I tell my children. If I only listened the first time to my Father, I would be so much better off. I can't tell you how much grief I would have been spared, had I only listened the first time.

I am resolving to try to listen the first time to God. Even when I don't want to, or would rather drag my feet. As I have read, and tried to instill in my kids, "Slow obey is no obey." Resisting doing what God says, or telling Him that I will do it later is not obeying Him.

It's just like my daughter. She might have finally obeyed me this morning, without my having to take her out of the service. What would she have learned? It was OK to do what mommy wanted you to do, in your OWN timing, not mommy's.

Overall lesson learned? If someone wants you to do something, you can take your time at doing it... as long as it finally gets done, after lots of asking and pleading and threats.

That wouldn't apply very well to her relationship with God.

And it doesn't work very well in my relationship with God either.

Let's just say that if I had listened to God a month ago about something, I would have saved myself a month of stuffing, anxiety, fear, frustration and overall stress.

It boils back down to something I have been finding over and over again this month.
TRUST.
Trust in God.

If I fully trust Him, if He has proven Himself trustworthy (and He has) then I need to settle in for the ride and trust Him.

No matter what He tells me to do.

Just as it hurts my heart when my kids don't trust something I say, or trust me enough to do something I want them to that's out of their comfort zone, how much more does it hurt our Father's heart when I don't trust Him?

I don't want to do that any more.

Let's work together.

Let's "listen the first time."

Advent of Trust #3

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." Psalm 37:5

Today.
Everything I do.
Committed to God.

It is so hard to keep that in mind as I go through out the day.

There are so many things to do, things I want to do. Just the general stuff of living, on one of my few days off, can get to be a pile too high, a list too long.

Yet the Psalm says to trust in Him and he will help me.
I have trusted in Him, and He has helped me in the past.
He will now and in the future too.

He is my strength and my joy. In Him I can trust.

My writing feels unfocused today. That's probably because my mind is as well.

I don't know yet what I am going to be doing this weekend. It could be anything from staying home with my family, to spending the whole weekend with Cindy being there for her if her husband has to leave town.

So, I have to trust God work out the details.

I want this time of preparation for Christmas to be about God, not about me, or what I am going to be doing. I don't want to get so caught up in "jobs" I need to do, or presents to buy, or concerns for my friends that I lose the point of this whole time.

Preparing my heart for Christ, to trust Him more fully, to love Him more deeply, to remember how He came into this world...

I have to trust everything else to God.
Commit all my ways to Him.
When I trust in Him, He helps me.

Thank you Jesus for helping me when I don't even remember to seek you for help. Thank you for reminding me to commit myself to you, to commit all my ways to you. You help me. You love me. You have my best in mind. So, I will trust in you. You have good plans for me.

Do your will in me Lord. I choose to trust you. You have been and You are my very present help in time of need. Amen.

Conflict, redemption and reconciliation....

I'm a very passive person.

I hate conflict.

To me, conflict means pain, and pain or hurt isn't good.

Or is it?

*When we are exercising, it's painful, but has a great payoff.
*When we burn our hand on a fire, it's painful, but the resulting lesson, to keep our hands out of the fire, it very good.
*When we find ourselves growing the most in our faith, our walk with God, it usually is after, or even during a painful, hard time.

• 
  

But hasn't our culture taught us that pain is bad? If it feels good do it. If it hurts, stay away. Numb out the pain, medicate the hurt... ignore it and it will go away... but will it really?

Haven't we brought that cultural perspective right into our churches?

The church, the body of Christ, is supposed to model Christ's life to the world. Jesus sure didn't run away from pain and conflict.

He cleansed the temple using a whip to drive out the money changers... if that wasn't conflict....
Instead of walking away from pain, Jesus walked right onto the path of reconciliation opened to Him by His father. All the way to the bitter, painful ending on the cross.

That pain was good.... Horrible for Jesus, but ended up for good in that it made it possible for Him to have intimate relationships with His creation. Good for us that His pain opened up a pathway to redemption that we were invited to.

So, how in the world to we model the redemption and reconciliation we ourselves have discovered?

Do we do it by avoiding and running away from conflict? Letting our churches get torn apart over sexual immorality, abuse, worship styles, refusing to hold one another accountable...

In reality, do we avoid conflict because we don't care enough about our brother or sister to actually cross the lines of culture, go against the grain, and outside of our comfort zones?

It was Jesus' love for us that caused him to walk into conflict, into pain, away from His glory to become one of us. It was His love for us that propelled Him to become one of us and experience the conflict that we have. It was His love for us that then that gave Him the courage and passion to reach out to us through His death to resolve the ultimate conflict between us and God.

So, watching people we love walk away from church because "it isn't our problem" is loving them how, exactly???

Watching people we claim to love fight and argue, fall into sin, etc, isn't love at all. It's self preservation. It's protecting ourselves. It's keeping our own love and security. It has nothing to do with the real love that Jesus displayed.

Real love for one another is love that knows no boundaries.

No holds barred.

No fear.

No selfishness.

No room for anything but compassion and care for our brothers and sisters, and the desire to see them live in peace and community and fellowship.

Real love for one another is the love that moves us beyond the culturally accepted norms, and into really living "in" the lives of one another.

I may be passive.

I may hate conflict.

But.

I hate the thought of not really loving my brothers and sisters in Christ even more.

Today, I choose to go OUT. Love my "one anothers" better. Live in their lives.
Today, I choose to move IN when I see a conflict, not shut down or run away.
Today, I choose to really LOVE, working through conflict to show true redemption and reconciliation.

Sick and tired, and a prayer request...

I haven't had much energy to write this week.

The kids and I have been fighting a losing battle with the flu. No idea whether it is the regular strain or not, but we are down and out.

I also have been working, though the last couple of days were half days, because of how I was feeling.

I feel like my brain is mush. It's been hard to concentrate, just cause of how I have been feeling. I have had a hard time quieting myself to pray, and when I do, my mind wanders so quickly. It has also been hard to write, or do a bible study or anything.

All that to say, there have been lots of ideas that float through my head to write about, but do you think that I could ever remember them long enough to write them down?

Yeah, you guessed it. Not even close!

I wanted to share with you a prayer request though.

My dear friend Cindy has just lost her father.
She is struggling quite a bit, as you can imagine.

She is on her way to Tennessee to meet up with her brother and sister, and her daughter. She is driving about 3 hours today, and then will drive the rest of the trip tomorrow. The funeral is at 1pm on Friday. I don't know how long she will be down there, but she needs lots of prayer to get through it all.

She wrote a brief post about her dad HERE, and about how God showed such grace to her, by allowing her one last talk with her dad. It's worth the moment it takes to run over there and read it.

Hopefully by the end of this week things will be slow enough, and I will be feeling well enough to share a bit about a conference I went to last week, and some things God laid on my heart.

Until then,
God bless and thank you for your prayers on behalf of my friend, Cindy, and our sick family!

Sap vs. maple syrup....

Over the next week, I will be intensively working on my talks for She Speaks. I need to organize them and focus them.

My small group leader prayed for me tonight. His prayer was exactly what I needed. The analogy he used was perfect. He said in his prayer for me, exactly what I had been thinking but didn't have the words for at the time.

Right now I have so much information and ideas....

......I need to go through the "sugaring process."

Sap comes out of the sugar maple tree, but can't be used directly on pancakes, it needs to be refined.

Boiled down.

Concentrated.

I have way too much information. The real message that I want to share, that I feel God leading me to share is getting lost in all the other stuff that is there. Maybe some of that other stuff is for me to learn, and store in my own heart for some other time.

But there is some stuff that I know is there for those who listen to me that weekend. There is some stuff that is for some others who might hear it before or after.

I need to spend this time organizing, straightening out, and clarifying what I already have written down.

More than that, I have to get concise. I have to boil off the water, and the impurities, to get down to the real, deep sweetness at the center of what God has given me to say.

I want to pure sweetness of God's word to be tasted. I want the Spirit to so speak through me, that no matter how my presentation actually goes, whether I get good "ratings" or not, God has been heard, using my voice as His instrument.

More than anything, I would love to have one person hear my testimony and see that God can heal and redeem anything, and can break the chains of bondage surrounding their heart. I want one person who hears my teaching talk to realize, not only in their head, but their heart that not one thing could separate them from the love of Christ, and that they are overwhelming victors in the middle of whatever junk they are going through... whether they feel it emotionally or not.

That would the message of each of my talks. Right there.

-----

Hmmm. That is under the time limits of 3 and 5 minutes.
You think that would fly?

No. Probably not.
Oh well, it was worth a try!

-----

But seriously. If I can take the scriptures I have and show those things, flesh them out some, and bring it back to the main point.

God's power in us brings us the victory.
His Spirit in us gives us the strength to stand in the midst of the pains and trials.
Nothing the world can throw at us will separate us from His love.

He redeems.
He saves.
He breaks the shackles binding us.

He sets us free to tell others of His wonderful deeds, and His reckless love for us.

That would be sweet!

The extra sap of overflowing thoughts and information boiled down to the pure, dark, sweet maple syrup of the truth of God active, through His Word, and in the lives of all of us.

i'm tired... i need to be still...

"Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.' "
Exodus 14:13-14

I am so tired. I really am. I am wiped out. I haven't slept well the last couple of days. I am worn out.

I am also dealing with a lot of anxiety that my medication hasn't helped.

Still struggling. Of course. surprise, surprise...

But I read this verse today from my devotional. It just struck me. I am tired. I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't have to.

The Lord will fight for me. I just need to be still.

Be still in the Lord. Let Him take care of me.

Being still. Sometimes when you are stirred up, it's hard to be still. But I choose to rest in the Lord.

My question from my devotional today was basically asking how the words "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still" apply to me today.

I am too tired to do anything else, but to stay still and let Him fight for me.
Please pray that I have the energy to do even that.

I have a VBS meeting tonight, and I have to teach a couple of songs there to the adult volunteers. I am praying for energy, stamina and the ability to go out in public without breaking down.

Thanks for your prayers for me. I am so praying the sun will come out soon and shine some light into the darkness.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 8

I am posting SO late on some of these chapters, but I just re-read Chapter 8 and 9 of our book, "An Untroubled Heart," and felt like I needed to post on them. If you want to join in our study, hop over to Lelia's site to either join in, or read other posts on each chapter.

Chapter 8: Overcoming the fear of the Unknown

So much of my life has been consumed by worrying. I have found myself worrying about the future. Then, in my worry, I have tried to figure out what all the different possibilities could be that might happen, and plan for each one. I might not "physically" prepare, but I "mentally" prepare, and plan out my actions.

It has driven me insane at times, because, even in the little things if I plan something out and it changes, then I feel like I am thrown for a loop. I get all bent out of shape, because the control I was trying to have over the future, is suddenly wrenched away from me.

"In order for us to experience His life in ours, we have to make a choice. We can either continue to live our lives our own way - by holding on to fear, doubt, and control - or we can die to self and allow Jesus to live His life of wisdom, faith, power, and holiness through us."

"Yielding to God's will means that when we come face-to-face with a problem we've never encountered before, we can maintain our peace and actually look forward to the next step God has for us."

It's hard to make that choice to let things go and trust in God. But the freedom after making that decision is more than worth the struggle to let go.

Even the pain of situations is worth the hurt.

"...unpleasant things will happen to us in this world. They're out of our control. Yet in God's economy, every fear, every pain, every sorrow, and every loss is not wasted. God uses these little deaths to make us more like Him."

As I suffer through something, a part of my character is changed to look more like God. It is not always easy, and does cause some pain at times as God chisels away at us, removing things that need to be taken away so that we look more and more like Him. As we let Him chisel away at our imperfections, not only do we look more and more like Him, we become more and more like the people He created us to be.

Our characters change from the small (and big) deaths in our lives. We also gain because we get closer to God. Our relationship becomes deeper. We trust Him more. Surrendering our fears of the unknown, and letting go of that desire to control our own future, and trusting ourselves to His care (even when it hurts) changes us, deepens our relationship with God, and makes it more possible for us to engage with others. We are able to share our difficulties with others, the lessons we have learned, and help them through difficulties of their own.

God is so good, even when it is hard.

It has been hard these past few weeks, but God has proved so faithful. When I finally have surrendered to Him, He has changed my heart and helped me surrender to Him. He has helped me trust Him on a deeper level.

And that is worth everything.

Silence, resting in Him, and a heart change...

I don't know if any of you have heard of Peter Scazzero's small devotional book called, "Begin the Journey with the Daily Office" before.

If you have, and you have used it some in any sort of way in your life, you will know what I mean when I say this is making a huge difference in my walk with God.

The beginning of this week, I was still resisting God. I have been fighting him when he has wanted me to just surrender at least one area of my life to him that I have been holding out on. I was still acknowledging that I needed to do something, but not willing to take the steps I knew it were necessary.

The Daily Office really encourages spending some extended time (starting small and building up to longer times) being still before God and centering in on resting in his presence. I found it extremely hard to do so as I started this week. Probably because I knew my heart wasn't right.

My heart wasn't surrendered, so why would it find it easy to center in and quiet itself before God?

But as I walked through this devotional, my heart softened. As I read through the prayers about surrendering and being silent, and read through them out loud as suggested, something changed.

How can you read prayers, and pray prayers and seek God's presence without being changed?

Scazzero provides you with guides to prayers, a scripture reading, a devotional section (short), a question to consider, and a written prayer. There are two for each day; morning/midday and midday/evening; to fit your schedule as needed or as wanted. The point is to settle yourself before God for 10 minutes to 20 minutes or more as you have time, two or more times a day, depending on your daily routine and schedule. The idea behind that is, the more you take time out of your day, trusting God to help you get done what is really needed, laying down your control of the day, you take God with you into every part of your day. It reminds you that God is really with you. You are able to practice being in His presence through out the whole day, rather than "filling up" in the morning with a quiet time to "get what you need" for the rest of the day.

It has changed the way I think about my devotions with God. Whether I do one in the morning when I get up (which is preferrable to me, so I don't get busy with the kids, and my mind get going without first committing everything to Him) and one again at the end of the day, right before bed; or whether I do one at lunch and another just after supper, or any combination, I am more likely to stay with God throughout the day.

I don't just hurriedly say a quick prayer for the people I remember. No laundry list of prayers with a hurried reading, and hurried "oh, and God help me through this day... show me what to do, Amen."

This really forces me to slow down. To take my time. To start and end with at least 2 minutes of silence. When I find I am having trouble staying silent without my brain taking off, I take a small bit of scripture that I might be memorizing, and just pray through and meditate on a phrase of it, asking God to show me something that I haven't noticed before. Then I move on with the office for that day.

The rhythm of taking time out, then working some, then taking a bit more time out for resting in God, really has seemed to help my days. Now I am only on about day 4 right now, but already I notice a difference. My spirit seems so much more settled, even when there are things going on that I could be (and do still) worry about.

Some of the questions, or comments that have come up in the past few days from this book have really impacted me.

"Help me to listen to you and grant me the courage to faithfully surrender to you."

"God, sometimes, wounds us in our journey with him in order to move us out an unhealthy, 'tip of the iceberg' spirituality to one that truly transforms us from the inside out."

"Lord, I invite you to teach me to live in dependence on you. Help me rest and be still in your love alone."

"[When I am still] God can break through the many layers with which I protect myself, so that I can hear his Word and be poised to listen.... most of our human problems come because we don't know how to sit still in our room for an hour."

"Lord forgive me for running my life without you today. I offer my anxieties to you now - as best I can. Help me to be still, to surrender to your will, and to rest in your loving arms."
(excerpts from "Daily Office" pgs. 6-11)

Just sit and read through those passages again and let them sink in. As I have had time to soak them in, to really hear them in my heart as well as my mind, my heart has been changed.

The time in silence has become comfortable again. I have found the comfort in God's presence, in his word, in silence before him. I (for the most part!!) am not afraid to hear from him and what he might say.

I am looking forward to seeing what else he will teach me through this time of silence and seeking him several times a day. I am more hopeful, though there are still the same struggles as before. I feel like, through this, through the times of silence and contemplation before him, he has said to me, "It's ok, I am here and I am going to walk with you through this."

One of the biggest things I have felt, almost spoken aloud to me happened just the other day.

I felt God speaking to my heart.

I have filled you with my Spirit, you have power beyond your own.
I have covered you with my Son, you are cleansed, forgiven.
I have adopted you as your Father, you are set free and my heir.

There is nothing better than that realization.

The depression, anxiety, worries about money, worries about a job, fears for the future, concerns about family and friends, struggles with knowing who I really am, who I was created to be....
Those all pale in comparison to who I am in Christ, what my Father has given me, and how richly I am blessed.
Those other things are still there. But so is my Father. To Him I can run in everything, with everything.

May God bless you this day, and may you find time to silence your heart and mind before Him and rest in His presence.

Joyfully on the road,

Refuge, strength, and scripture memory...

I have been struggling for several days to come up with a scripture verse for the scripture memory challenge that Beth Moore is hosting.

Usually, I can sit down the day before, or the day it is due. I pray and ask God to show me the right verse. Usually, after a bit of prayer, and spending some time in the Word, and using a bible program to do some word or phrase searches for me I can come up with something pretty quickly.

Nope.

Not this week.
It just wasn't happening.

Last time, I was looking for something that talked about having and undivided heart or mind. That single-minded approach to God, to following Him. I found that in Psalm 86:11-13. It reminded me of the things He has done for me, and also the things that I need to keep doing... praising His name, and seeking to walk in His will... His truth.

This time, I started looking for something that would spin off of the last verse. I wanted something more to talk about an undivided mind or heart. I wanted something that I thought would speak to me in the next week + but that wasn't God's plan.

I have been searching the last couple of days.

Finally today I emailed Cindy and asked her to shoot my way any scripture references about God's comfort or provision. She sent several my way. Not one of them fit with my heart. I just wasn't satisfied. I still felt unsettled. However, something in one of the verses she sent me started me on another search.

This time I looked up "refuge." I have felt the need for comfort, for the reminder that God is my refuge and strength. I have needed the reminder of His peace.

I am still fighting some in my heart a resistance to fully surrender some areas of my life to Him. I need something to encourage me to do so... to really trust Him.

These were the verses I found.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Selah."

Psalm 62:5-8

Is there anything more perfect than that?
Not for me.
At least, not this time around!

It is a reminder for me that He is my fortress, my refuge, my safety, my "safe place." It reminds me to trust in Him, because He hears my heart. He hears my cries. He knows them before I even cry them out, and He still is safe to go to.

It also reminds me of something I am learning I need more and more. These verses remind me to remind myself that I need rest. Rest in Jesus. Nothing else in this world is going to give me the rest that my very soul craves and longs for. Nothing I turn to will give me relief.

Jesus is the answer.
Jesus is the only way to true peace and joy.
Jesus is the only true "safe place" for our hearts.
Jesus is the one my salvation and honor depends upon.

Nothing else will do.
No one else will do.

He is it.

Now if only, along with the memorization, my heart can really take hold of the meaning of these words.

I pray God that Your word will take hold of me... and change me and rock me to my very core.

Emotionally disengaging...

This week has left me in a blur. Since posting last week about my struggles, the struggles got harder as the week went on. As they did, I found the struggle with my emotions got more intense as well.

One of the things I have been doing is working my way through the book by Peter Scazzero, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."

I have been blown away by this book. It is so good. Way better than I expected.

At Cindy's suggestion, I have paused myself at reading only one chapter at a time, as slowly as I can, so that I can really soak it in, and take notes as I go through it...

But before I go there... here is something I prayed as I processed after my last post. I recognized that though I had shared pretty freely what was going on with me, and though my heart was/is shame-filled at it all... my heart is also one more thing.

Hard.

Here is my prayer, directly to God.

"Lord God - Daddy - I don't know how to open my heart to the work you want me to do. Or the work you want to do in the area of how I view money and our finances and how ti fix it, and change that heart attitude. Right now, my heart is still cold towards it and I still want to stubbornly do my own thing - not yours. Oh I hate to pray this because i know it is what you want... soften my heart - make it living and pliable in your hands. Reform it to look more like you. I don't want to be static and unmoving and unmoved. If I continue to hold you at a distance in this area of my life, how can I ever be fully surrendered? Oh breathe your living Spirit through me. Your very breath of life and quicken my heart and soul to respond to you. I need you more than ever."

I prayed that prayer, but am not sure how much my heart engaged in it. I prayed it because I know that is what God wanted, not because I wanted to pray it.

As I was reading this book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality," I read something about how so many times when we are emotionally immature, but don't want to face it, we try to fill up ourselves with the newest discipleship models, new spiritual disciplines, but they never fill us up... because we can't separate emotional maturity from our spiritual maturity. We can never reach spiritual maturity, when we don't ever address our emotional life. When we are emotional infants, we are spiritually immature. As we address our emotional maturity and do the hard work of growing in that area, our spiritual maturity grows as well... God works them together and grows them together. It can become a revolutionary change in our lives, and in the lives of those around us.

(Did I mention this is an incredible book and I haven't even gotten past the first chapter?!)

Well, as Scazzero was talking about trying to fill the emptiness, this thought popped into my head.

"Why do I find myself disengaging when in a group right now?"

I find myself in a group of people, and emotionally and mentally becoming distant, especially when I don't have to specifically engage with anyone at that moment. I find myself lonely in a group. I find myself wanting to pull away, just stay home and sleep. I don't look forward to public events, even not wanting to "do" mother's day... I was doing something the other day with my husband, and found myself completely socially, emotionally and mentally disengaging, and pulling inward.

I know that depression has a lot to do with it. I don't know if it is connected with being on the borderline between extrovert and introvert or not. I know that I can appear an extrovert in some settings because I can do the "acting" and have to work hard sometimes at appearing even natural in certain situations... I don't know.

Where I used to be more energized by being in larger groups (in college) now I find that I am becoming more comfortable with small groups, and one on one get togethers, rather than the larger groups...

...and the larger the group, the harder I have to fight this tendancy to become disengaged. I have had to fight this tendency even more this past week or so. It has gotten stronger, maybe as I have struggled with my emotions more this week too.

I don't know if anything even really connects here.

But God is doing something. I don't know what. My heart is resistant to the changes He wants to make in it. I am still fighting that. I am consciously having to fight the strong desire to withdraw and disengage and get out of group events.

Wednesday, my son is going on his first field trip, with his 4k class. They will be taking a bus, for about a 40 minute ride to a nearby town that has a small zoo. I have been asked to chaperone. I remember as a kid, always wanting my mom to come, and rarely was she able to, so when Peter (with that spark of fear in his face) asked if I would come, I said I would.

Right now, though I won't do it, I want to get out of going. I could ask Dave to go in my place, but I know Peter wants me to go.

I am fearful of having to fight that urge to disengage. And I don't want Peter to see me fighting fear, or fighting depression or whatever during the day. I want him to experience the zoo as fun and school field trips as something to be looked forward to, not feared.

I guess all I can ask is for more prayers.

God is taking me on a refining process. He has for the past several years. Because I have a blog, and tend to write through things, you are coming on this journey with me... provided you are still hanging with me here.

Thank you for praying me through these things. I hope that I can and have been sharing the "good" moments as well... the moments of answered prayer.

In the morning I am getting together with Cindy to talk through the first chapter in this book. I am hoping that we will be able to have the time to really get into some of the things that have been bothering me. There is more, beyond what I have shared here, and I am just praying that God will orchestrate what time we have.

Please pray with me that God will bring up the things I need help processing through and the things that I can work through on my own with Him will be left for later.

Thorn in the flesh...

What is it with me?

What is wrong with me?

Why am I going through this again??

Will this always be my thorn in the flesh?

Will it ever get better?

(I feel almost embarrassed posting this because I know what a dear friend and her family are going through right now, I know there are others out there with worse things happening that I have been praying for… but if there is one thing I learned in this last year, and through even our last book study by Lisa Whittle, I need to be transparent… so here it is.)

Last night, I got home from my small group, and all the way home I wanted to cry. By the time I reached my home town (a 20 min. drive) I wanted to keep going. I don’t know where; just keep going. I was more peaceful in my car, I was concentrating on driving, was able to pray some and was watching a beautiful moonrise through the hazy clouds.

I restrained the urge to keep driving south.

As I pulled into my driveway, it was all I could do to keep from backing out again. I hit the garage door opener so that my husband would know I was there, and so I would keep pulling the car in the garage.

I walked in, and just felt like I was going to bawl again. But my husband was here, and so was our neighbor, so I couldn’t just let loose. I don’t think I could have if I had wanted to, or felt free to.

On and off I felt like crying all night. Right before I went to bed, I checked my Facebook account one more time, and my friend Lee, was on, and we chatted briefly and prayed together. That was good. So was small group earlier in the evening. So I don’t know what was going on.
Then I went to bed, next to my snoring husband. It was one of those nights, that though I was listening to music through my headphones of my mp3 player, his snoring was drowning it out. I got up again, out of frustration. I sat in the living room for a bit longer (maybe an hour) then went back to bed when I was so exhausted that I knew I would fall asleep right away.

Got up and registered my boy for kindergarten next year. Went to the coffee shop briefly… for me anyway… only about 1 1/2 hours. Even that wasn’t much of a comfort today. I was able to journal some, but it only seemed to stir things up more.

Came home to a quiet house.

The kids were still gone, and I didn’t expect them for about another hour. My husband called shortly after I got home, checked in on my, and how my day was going. After we got off the phone, I was almost ready to cry, then Grandpa called and said he was bringing the kids home in about a half hour.

I went into my room to make the bed. I started throwing pillows around. Yelled at God. Sobbed. Frustrated beyond belief.

I. Can’t. Do. This.

Pretty much my thoughts. I know that I can’t, that only God can, etc. I KNOW!!!! I KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWERS!!!!!!!

it’s not enough today

I got done throwing the pillows around and collapsed sobbing on the bed. Sobbed. Wailed.
I don’t know all that I said to God. Not sure what words were used. All I know is that I am tired. I am tired of dealing with depression. I am sick of feeling like this. I am sick of finding myself struggling…. with waking up in the morning and not wanting to get out of the bed.

I am tired of hurting, and not knowing why. I have so many blessings. There are so many good things going on in my life right now. Where is this coming from?! I can look outside and see the sun, lay on my bed as I was crying out to God and feel it on my back. I know I have a warm house, and enough food, and more than enough clothes, family blessings, church family that loves us, loves me….

and yet there is the empty ache in me that nothing can fill.
it is all temporary fixes.
temporary medication

whether its

• food
• friends
• fellowship
• reading
• blogging
• sleeping
• shopping
• driving

it doesn’t matter

anything good can become a medication if it is being used to numb away, ignore, or mask pain for a little while.

and then the question enters my mind; if something is being used to run and hide and mask pain, is that becoming my god?

possibly.

when I was leaving the coffee shop this morning, lunch time, and heading home, I knew I was going to be getting the kids back soon. I toyed with the idea of throwing them in the car and driving. I don’t know where. Just driving. Then I thought about how fun it would be to just hop in the car myself. Throw some clothes in a bag, get into the car and drive till I found warm weather and a beach to sit on.

Seriously. Just. Go. Anywhere.

I know it wouldn’t help any depression or hurt or anything I am feeling right now. I know that it probably wouldn’t even temporarily fix anything going on…. probably make some things worse. But I just need something. Some change.

I would give anything to drive away from here for a bit. Drive somewhere warm. Forget about responsibilities here for a while…. even if that means needing to take the kids with me, so be it. But just GO.

I won’t.
I am too responsible for that.

but this is the strongest a thought like this that has crossed my mind in a long time.

i guess when it feels like depression is controlling your life, you try to do anything you can to try to control something yourself…

if that means daydreaming about driving somewhere away for a while…. then I guess that’s what it will take.

No, I will go on. I will plug away at this next week. I will do what I need to. I will fulfill my responsibilities to my family, my church, and try to press on. I am too much afraid of what people would think if I just up and ran away. I am too much a resp0nsible person to just leave. There is too big a part of me that would just rebel at leaving, or stopping right now.

After that storm of weeping this morning, I was just cleaning up my face when I heard the kids come in the door. Grandpa dropped them off and left pretty quickly. I took Marina into her room to change her diaper. She settled down with me on her bed for a “rest.”

Peter came in and settled on his bed, and as Marina was still flipping and flopping, I went over to him and snuggled him for a few minutes. Within a minute of my going over there, I looked at her, and she was asleep, and within 2 more minutes, Peter was asleep.

Minor blessing, Major miracle.
So I have had this time here.

I don’t know that writing anything out here has helped me, or helped anyone else.

I do remember now one of the things that I raged at God about. I begged Him to take away this depression… it nearly debilitates be at times, and it takes everything I have to move, much less function.

God, I don’t want this! I don’t want this to be my “thorn in the flesh” no matter how you may be shown in and through it! I know that your strength can be made perfect in my weakness, that you can show yourself more than enough through anything…. but God, I can’t do this! Yeah, I know the answer is that You will do it. I feel stupid and dumb and weak. I feel like people are going to look at me and say, “what is the deal with you? What do you have going on so bad that you can’t stand it, that you can’t be satisfied, that you can’t be happy?” I don’t know! I can site so many things as being the reason; hormones, chemical imbalance, heredity, my past (which I thought I have pretty much dealt with major stuff this past year, isn’t that done yet???), current stressors…. but none of them help me. It doesn’t matter if it is defined, if I know why it is happening. All I know, God is what I am feeling. Whether that is based on lies that I am believing right now, I don’t know. I can’t even identify what I was thinking that might have started this off!

Lord, Jennifer said in her book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,” that I need to starve the feelings of failure and defeat, the dark feelings or they will grow. I didn’t think that I was feeding them. Maybe I am. Please show me if I am and how to stop. I don’t want to keep going through this. I need Your help! You gave me this little blessing of the kids sleeping, which they never do for me in the afternoon. You gave me this time here to pour out my heart. Oh God I am hurting so much. I don’t know why. I don’t have any answers. I read your word this morning and felt dry. I tried to pray and all I could do was cry, and essentially scream at you. It may be a bright sunny day today, but right now it feels pitch black in here. I know it’s not the truth, but its what I am feeling. I know that you will never leave me or forsake me. I could really use the strength to cling onto that, and the ability to see what you are doing for me, no matter what I feel, and not just discount it.

Please help me through this hour, this afternoon, supper, this night, until I can go to sleep. Bring comfort to my soul, Lord. Nothing I can do, no one I can talk to, nothing anyone else can do (but pray) will be able to stop this. I am trying to claim your truth Lord. I am trying to cling to you, but I feel broadsided this week, after I feel like I had just caught my breath. Be my strength, satisfy me with your unfailing love, be my salvation in this distress. I NEED something… i NEED YOU JESUS.

My First Source... Advent of Joy #8

“Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his ; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture."
Psalm 100:1-3

Last night was a tough one. I was tired (way over tired) and low and just not doing the greatest. I was unable to gather my thoughts. This morning, after getting some decent sleep, though not nearly long enough, I am feeling better today.

As I was resting yesterday afternoon, I came across Psalm 100. It just spoke to me. It reminded me to worship God. When we worship God, when we focus on Him, not our problems, and give Him the praise, honor, and glory due to Him it is a powerful thing.

Again, looking back at this last year, I can see the good things that God has done. He has sifted out the chaff, purified my faith. He has gotten rid of some of the parts of me that I haven’t liked. He has shown me other areas I need to keep a close eye on.

I am even dealing with some now. One of them being, taking good care of myself. Making sure I get enough sleep, eat well, and get exercise and accomplish at least one thing around the house a day. All of those things will help me feel better, and as Tricia would say, good tools to help me deal with daily stress. Good coping mechanisms.

It has been a challenge to sleep as I have been tossing and turning most nights. Last night at least I got 6 1/2 hours of solid sleep, with no waking in between. That was a start. Right now I have a load of dishes in the washer, and I have a few things cleaned up around here. I was also able to start the day with God. Those are really good things.

This year has had one really good benefit, besides showing me areas of weakness that I need to keep an eye on. This year has drawn me ever closer to Jesus. I have realized that God has to be my first source to go to when I am in trouble, when I am down, when I need help or insight or focus. One of my tendencies is to lean on other people around me. But God has been giving me a deeper love for Him and His word, and a greater desire to spend time with Him.

That is more than enough reasons to come before Him with joyful songs and shout with joy to Him! In this advent, awaiting the celebration of His birth, there is nothing more important than to wait with joyful anticipation.

I know in my head that the Lord is God, and I believe it in my heart. I want to cling to that truth ever more closely. He made me.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:13-14

That is another reason to praise Him. I am not a mistake. He created me, and I am his. He said so. (Isaiah 43:1) We all are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

He is our shepherd. He leads us and cares for us and guides us to restful places when we need it and leads us through the darkness when we are afraid. He is the light for our path. His word is our guide. His word in our lives builds a foundation, that when everything else starts to fall apart, we will always have. We won’t be shaken off of it, if we continue to cling to Him and His word. We need to be able to cling to His promises for us. Know and really believe that He will accomplish great things in our lives, and it will give us strength to continue on and persevere.

Nothing is better for my soul than remembering that He made me, that I am His. For that I worship Him with joy and gladness in my heart. That worship is good for my soul as well!

Bittersweet revisited... Advent of Joy #7

When I wrote my last post, I found myself in some deep emotional waters, and tried not to let that overtake my writing. It was difficult because I am so emotional about finishing up with Tricia. I finished writing my post, dated it to publish after 1am so that it would post on the 6th, and went to get ready for bed.

I got into the bathroom and just cried. I think it was finally helping me release some of the tension I had felt ever since I got home from my appointment. I guess I didn’t realize it would affect me so much. I am still struggling emotionally, but I know that God is with me in it all.

He continues to give me dreams and hopes for the future…
He reminded me today that the season I am in, is one of waiting.

Isn’t that interesting?
Advent is a season of waiting for the birth of our Lord.

I am in a season of waiting. I am to specifically take this time to draw nearer to God’s heart, fall deeper in love with Him, and patiently wait, even though there are things that I would love to do, places I would love to go, and “jump” headlong into ministry of some sort.
Yet I don’t feel that I have been given the “go ahead” by God. So I am waiting.

As I felt that “Wait” from the Lord, I pondered what I had written about having those bittersweet feelings.

How many other things in our lives are partings, losses, endings?

I am not talking about the death of someone we love. Though that is a big one. But what about moving to a new home (even if it is only 15 miles from the first one)? What about family left behind in a move, and the loss that they might feel with the increased physical distance between you? What about changing churches? What about a loss in health, or at least a severe struggle with health issues, and the loss involved in feeling good, and being able to do the things you want to? What about ending a relationship with someone? Or losing a friend? Or losing a pet? Or losing even the trust we had in someone close to us? Losing a pastor to another church or ministry? Even the loss involved in a church re-defining its vision?

How many of these things do we allow ourselves to grieve through? Aren’t they all losses of one sort or another. They are breaks in the things that have been important to us. Grieving is part of the process of healing from a loss. What we think are little things, insignificant, sometimes can be the things that steal our joy, and start bogging us down, because we haven’t dealt with them.

Allowing ourselves to cry, mourn the losses, and work through them emotionally (even if they don’t seem like a big deal) help us to rediscover our joy in the midst of the pain; strength in our weakness; peace in the storm; patience in the midst of the busy-ness; trust in the midst of insecurities.

I know of so many people through blogs, or in real life who are struggling with things like these. I don’t think that anyone could say that they are untouched by some sort of loss.
My friend Cindy told me that in all the times they have moved (many times out of state, Texas to Wisconsin and back and forth again) the longer moves were a bit easier because she was able to prepare herself before they happened. At least she was able to prepare herself that she was going to grieve losses. She said that at times it would take her nearly 2 years to work through it.

She and her husband recently made a move, basically across town, 20 minutes from their previous home. Around the same time, they switched from one church to the church I go to. Immediately they were “assimilated” into a small group, and people who supported them and grew to love them immensely.

She told me that she was completely unprepared for the grief she felt over moving and changing churches. She said that it has been just over a year and a half, and she still finds herself sad at losing the closeness of some of the friendships she had with people in the other church. She was so unprepared because she didn’t think it would be such a big thing since it wasn’t a long distance move. She also told me that because she and her husband were welcomed so warmly into our church family, it made the transition easier.

But I think she could agree that there was a bitter sweetness to the move. Grief in some loss of closer relationships, change of churches and community. Yet joy in being welcomed into a new church and making close friends.

Bittersweet.

For myself, I had a very close friend of mine move, in May, to Zambia for a year long mission. Gwen has been like a sister to me since our college days. When she moved 3 hours away to her parents home, I missed her, and though I could talk to her, and we still saw each other, I missed her then.

Since her move to Zambia, I have missed her greatly. It was a loss for me of the closeness in our relationship, not because our friendship ended, just related to the physical distance between us.

At the same time God blessed me with someone to come alongside me, who has become a sister to me. Cindy has walked alongside me this past year. So I experienced the grief of “losing” Gwen, but joy in gaining another sister.

Bittersweet.

Those are just a couple of examples. I could come up with many more.

In this time of waiting… this advent… I am waiting for God to show me what He wants me to do. I am learning more from Him about grief and loss, joy and hope. I am growing closer to Him. As I learn more from Him, as I learn more about myself, and learn through my experiences and healing… I think God is using it to make me more sensitive to others, and better able to relate to others’ hurts.

I have gotten a “wait” from God. I have gotten a “draw closer to me” from Him. I have been told “learn from your experiences, from others and from Me” by my Jesus. I have gotten a “listen for My voice” from His Spirit.

So I am waiting. I am experiencing an advent of sorts in my life… waiting for the time of the Lord’s birth of something new in my life.

In the meantime, though I grieve the loss of my immediate relationship with Tricia, I am waiting in hope for what God will do in the future with the passions He has been giving me. I have joy in knowing I am in His will as I wait (if not perfectly patiently) to see what He is going to teach me.

The bitter sweetness
of the
joy and pain,
hope and anxiety
of the waiting
…the being still and knowing He is God…

The thief...

I remember my friend Amy writing a post not that long ago talking about how depression comes in like a thief.

She is right.

Depression.
It has been stalking me.

Depression.
It caught up with me this past week.

Depression, as Amy said, tries to rob our peace and joy. Rather, the enemy uses it to steal the blessings of God. Actually, I will amend that again. He can’t steal the blessings of God. They have been given to us by God and can’t be taken away. The enemy actually comes in and tries to keep us from recognizing the blessings, from using the blessings and power God has given us. The enemy tries to prey on things he knows we have fallen victim to in the past.
He focuses on clouding our feelings, feeding us little lies that we base our feelings on. If I am feeling like God is not answering my prayers, if I feel like He is not caring about my problems and struggles and concerns… well, I get depressed, I feel sad and angry. I feel lost and alone. But though the feelings are real, they are based on lies.

As I have been writing this, I have just realized the above. I need to take the time out (once the kids are in the bath) and just focus on some main truths of who I am in Christ, His love for me, and the riches He has poured out upon me. I am going to take the time to soak in some scripture to counteract the lies I have found in my mind.

I was a mess all day today. The depression I can deal with. I know that part of it, and the anxiety, could be chemical imbalances. I can deal with that. It is the feeling of complete isolation, and loneliness, and the feeling of being totally left alone by God.

I wasn’t thinking clearly all day. I feel like right now… as I started writing this post… that my mind is clear for the first time. I may still have all the emotions (and I do for sure) but at least God has helped clear my mind and see where I was allowing my thoughts to go.
I called my sweet friend Cindy today, and she talked with me a bit about some significant issues that I am dealing with right now. Almost as soon as we started talking, I started crying. As she prayed for me, I just sobbed.

Maybe I just needed a good cry. Maybe I just needed that little bit to lie down and not have to “do” anything. Maybe I just needed to talk with someone who really knows me and understands. And that was what has helped me.

Maybe.
Maybe that’s what someone else might think.

I choose to believe that the clearing up of my head, and the confusion that has cleared somewhat, the peace that I find stealing over my thought processes… that is from God. I choose to believe that He is answering the prayers of Cindy. I choose to believe that His answers come at just the right time. Whether that is in my timing or not doesn’t matter. I mean, it matters to me, to my feelings, and if I think that the answers are coming too late, I get upset and frustrated and impatient, and hurt. But I need to learn to let go… and let God do what He is going to do. Because He knows best.

In the meantime, I have got to find a way to get my mind and heart to believe and trust God. I want to allow Christ to fill my heart and mind with His presence and His thoughts. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to prompt and guide and convict me… and to minister to my hurting heart, my bruised emotions. I need the healing balm to cover over me and touch every part of my mind, heart and spirit.

Nothing less will do.

He is all I want.
He is all I have ever needed.

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

I want that life to the full. The enemy has been trying to steal, kill and destroy…. He has wreaked havoc in my emotional life. You wouldn’t know it to look at the outside. I have been able to continue doing what I need to do for my family. I have been keeping up on the kitchen cleaning, I have kept up on laundry (pretty well) and have been able to consistently keep food on the table. I have been functioning better than I used to when depression really hit me. So that is a big sign of healing for me.

But this is the first time that I can remember that depression has really hit me in the last couple of months with any type of force. When I was working through things I expected it. But this took me by surprise.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
John 10:27-30

I will cling to the truth that I shall never perish, and that God is greater than all, and that no one, no one, can ever snatch me out of His hand.

If I memorize and meditate on these verses alone… well, talk about security no matter the circumstances swirling around me. I am held securely in the Father’s hands, I have been given eternal life, Jesus knows me, and is one with His father, and because He is in me, I am one with Him.

Bombardment, trust and a steadfast mind...

Yesterday, I was longing for a break.

We’ve had some stress the week with getting our heating fixed after our dishwasher flooded and shorted out what ended up being an easy fix that was overlooked the first time (just the thermostat).

We had a lot of time with family. It is very good, but sometimes the “people time” can get a bit noisy and overwhelming.

I really was longing for a break.

Another stress that I have had is my beloved coffee shop has changed hands. I know, it doesn’t seem that big, does it?

All I wanted to do was run away to my coffee shop, to my hidden corner table and sit and read and pray and cry. Well, with the new management, the shop and bookstore were rearranged. So, unfortunately, I lost my private corner. It will be interesting when I try to go in there for some quiet time, and find myself needing a good cry!!!

I have had a wonderful break this week with the relatives in town. They were so anxious to see the kids, that there have been several nights where one, if not both of them have been out at the farm. It has been a blessing.

Today, as Dave was working downstairs, and heading to work, I hand washed the dishes (no dishwasher till next week) and decided that I would take my daughter to the coffee shop. I wasn’t sure how she would do… but where I was able to sit, there was a direct line of sight to the “kids area” where they have a small table to draw on with chalk, some dolls and books, and blocks, etc.

She was so good. She gave me 2 (!!!) hours. She sat and played and I was able to read the bible a bit, and look outside and just soak in the atmosphere and try to relax. It worked some. (the relaxing, that is…)

I guess the longing for a break wasn’t so much needing a break from the kids, or anything else really.

Rather, it has been the bombardment I have been under for the past week. Mind and heart focus on God has been the exception rather than the rule. I have been having a really hard time keeping my focus where it needs to be.

So I guess that I am having some difficult times, and would really covet your prayers.
I know that as I move out and away from counseling… well, I have said this before. I really need to kick in with the things I have learned and keep going.

I had a really great quiet time the other day that talked about 2 things I really needed to hear.

One was talking about the difference between the rich young ruler and Zacchaeus. The rich young ruler stopped short of fully following Christ, allowing his love of his possessions to cause him to shrink back.

Zacchaeus, though he also was rich, did everything he could to get close to Jesus, and when Jesus approached him, he gladly welcomed Him into his home. And then gave away half his possessions and paid back with interest anyone he stole from.

Zacchaeus pressed in to following Jesus, doing whatever it takes. The rich young ruler backed away.

One of the things that Beth Moore said in the study was that Jesus doesn’t want to take away our possessions, He wants to be our greatest possession.

Jesus doesn’t want me to shrink away from Him because I feel something is too demanding or too difficult; He wants me to press in hard and continue to follow Him. He doesn’t want me to feel that He is trying to take things away from me. He wants to become the only, all important, thing in my life, so He is the focus, not my finances, possessions or the lack thereof.

It was a blessing for me to hear that… and a challenge.

A blessing, because it was a reassurance that He really isn’t going to “take my fun away,” like many people think might happen once they become Christians. He just wants to be number one. Which is where He is supposed to be.

A challenge because it was a call to follow Him deeper, farther, with more passion and conviction than I have before. I might suffer for that deeper following, deeper conviction. But He still wants me to follow Him with more passion… suffering included or not.

He has given me a deeper desire for His word. In the midst of struggles and decisions, I have a deeper longing for His word. I want His word deep in my heart and mind because that is what is going to keep me strong in the midst of adversity.

Please pray for me so that I can withstand what feels like a storm in my soul. I am able to continue to live my life, which is such a blessing and so different from a year ago.
Please pray that I will continue to seek God, and seek his Word, and be able to memorize it. Pray that I will find the time each day.

Pray that I will rely on Him and Him alone, rather than my own strength.

Pray that I will be able to make the continuous decision to trust Jesus in all areas of my life, no matter what they look like.

I want to trust with my heart so my mind is steadfast.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.”
Isaiah 26:3

A couple of thoughts... standing firm...

“If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.”
Isaiah 7:9

I need to stand firm in my faith. I find that when I don’t, I end up falling. I end up giving in to despair, pain, hurt, depression. I wallow in self-pity, and darkness from the past rather than look at the present. My daughter playing next to my on my desk, my sweet son who loves his school so much that when faced with not going today, because we got up too late, MADE me take him, even if he walked in late (!!!), my family and the love and grace they show me, my friends and their faithful prayers for me, and so many more things than I could ever name.

I look at standing firm… I think that there is no way I can do that. I am struggling so much that the thought of trying to stand, much less stand firm, is too hard, and impossible to do. In that I think I might be right. It is impossible to do. In and of my own strength.

“Now it is God who makes both us and you to stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”
2 Corinthians 1:21-22

How can I argue with that? God set me free, to be free and not in bondage to the fear and despair that I have had for so long. I have to focus the things that God has done for me. I have to see that He is the One who makes me to stand firm. It is hard to see all the time. I so easily get stuck in the “I have to do it on my own” mentality. It has been so hard to think otherwise. Because for so long I have done it on my own, and in my own strength. I can’t allow my thoughts to go back to those despairing thoughts, because I will lay down and give up.

I have felt a lot like giving up this week. The thought running through my head has been, “I am done. I can’t do this anymore. I am too tired. I don’t want to do anything but curl up under the covers and ignore the day.” I have felt like it is too hard. That I am not going to be able to stay the course. I have felt that I have never stayed the course in anything. I look back and my life and wonder how many times I have given up at something, when God has really wanted me to hang on and keep going. I wonder what would have happened if I had kept going. Those thoughts have plagued me this week, because I found the lies flooding in that I couldn’t keep going. That there was no point. I might be getting through one thing, but there was always something else to get through. Maybe if I just stopped now, stopped counseling, my meds, everything, then life would be easier, better for everyone around me… I wouldn’t have to keep having someone watch the kids for me during doctor and counseling appointments. I would just be able to focus on the kids and Dave and leave it at that.

But those are the feelings. I know that they and I wouldn’t be better off if I did that stuff. I would never be able to keep up, and I would end up crashing and burning, and I wouldn’t be able to raise my kids in good mental, emotional, spiritual health, and I wouldn’t be able to love and serve my husband, and I would end up turning from God in the end.

So that takes care of the feelings.

The thoughts are so much harder to battle. Because I know that the feelings I was having were based on thoughts that were all lies. I am still having some of those thoughts and feelings. I know they are lies. I don’t know what all the lies are yet.

But I do know that the closer I get to full freedom, and get stronger in the ability to recognize the lies and deceptions, the more the enemy is going to try to get me to give up, hold back, let go, lay down. I don’t want to give in and give the enemy the victory. Because only in Christ can I have victory. He is the winner already, and because I am in Christ and Christ is in me, I am victorious too.

So:
“Therefore (I will) put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes (and it will!!!), I will be able to stand my ground, and after I have done everything, to stand.”
Ephesians 6:13

And:

(I will) “stand firm in all the will of God, (and I will be) mature and fully assured.”
Colossians 4:12b

God will make me mature and fully assured, in Him, for He loves me, and works together everything for the good of those who love Him. In all these trials, griefs, and sorrows, I will greatly rejoice, because I know that they are proving my faith genuine, just like gold refined by fire.

Like Pastor Kim suggested this weekend, I am going to daily do the following.

I will set my hope fully on the grace to be giving me when Christ is revealed.
I will be holy in all I do, because He who called me is holy.
I will live in fear, (a reverent fear) of God, my Father and impartial Judge.
I will love others deeply from my heart.
(taken from 1 Peter 1)

These are some foundational principles for living in God’s will and way.

May God bless my intentions and enable me to follow them! I am heading in for counseling this afternoon, and I choose to go, because I know it’s what God wants me to do, to keep on the path of healing He has set me on.

Thank you all for your prayers, kind emails and comments. I love you all.