“If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.”
I need to stand firm in my faith. I find that when I don’t, I end up falling. I end up giving in to despair, pain, hurt, depression. I wallow in self-pity, and darkness from the past rather than look at the present. My daughter playing next to my on my desk, my sweet son who loves his school so much that when faced with not going today, because we got up too late, MADE me take him, even if he walked in late (!!!), my family and the love and grace they show me, my friends and their faithful prayers for me, and so many more things than I could ever name.
I look at standing firm… I think that there is no way I can do that. I am struggling so much that the thought of trying to stand, much less stand firm, is too hard, and impossible to do. In that I think I might be right. It is impossible to do. In and of my own strength.
“Now it is God who makes both us and you to stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.”
2 Corinthians 1:21-22
How can I argue with that? God set me free, to be free and not in bondage to the fear and despair that I have had for so long. I have to focus the things that God has done for me. I have to see that He is the One who makes me to stand firm. It is hard to see all the time. I so easily get stuck in the “I have to do it on my own” mentality. It has been so hard to think otherwise. Because for so long I have done it on my own, and in my own strength. I can’t allow my thoughts to go back to those despairing thoughts, because I will lay down and give up.
I have felt a lot like giving up this week. The thought running through my head has been, “I am done. I can’t do this anymore. I am too tired. I don’t want to do anything but curl up under the covers and ignore the day.” I have felt like it is too hard. That I am not going to be able to stay the course. I have felt that I have never stayed the course in anything. I look back and my life and wonder how many times I have given up at something, when God has really wanted me to hang on and keep going. I wonder what would have happened if I had kept going. Those thoughts have plagued me this week, because I found the lies flooding in that I couldn’t keep going. That there was no point. I might be getting through one thing, but there was always something else to get through. Maybe if I just stopped now, stopped counseling, my meds, everything, then life would be easier, better for everyone around me… I wouldn’t have to keep having someone watch the kids for me during doctor and counseling appointments. I would just be able to focus on the kids and Dave and leave it at that.
But those are the feelings. I know that they and I wouldn’t be better off if I did that stuff. I would never be able to keep up, and I would end up crashing and burning, and I wouldn’t be able to raise my kids in good mental, emotional, spiritual health, and I wouldn’t be able to love and serve my husband, and I would end up turning from God in the end.
So that takes care of the feelings.
The thoughts are so much harder to battle. Because I know that the feelings I was having were based on thoughts that were all lies. I am still having some of those thoughts and feelings. I know they are lies. I don’t know what all the lies are yet.
But I do know that the closer I get to full freedom, and get stronger in the ability to recognize the lies and deceptions, the more the enemy is going to try to get me to give up, hold back, let go, lay down. I don’t want to give in and give the enemy the victory. Because only in Christ can I have victory. He is the winner already, and because I am in Christ and Christ is in me, I am victorious too.
“Therefore (I will) put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes (and it will!!!), I will be able to stand my ground, and after I have done everything, to stand.”
(I will) “stand firm in all the will of God, (and I will be) mature and fully assured.”
God will make me mature and fully assured, in Him, for He loves me, and works together everything for the good of those who love Him. In all these trials, griefs, and sorrows, I will greatly rejoice, because I know that they are proving my faith genuine, just like gold refined by fire.
Like Pastor Kim suggested this weekend, I am going to daily do the following.
I will set my hope fully on the grace to be giving me when Christ is revealed.
I will be holy in all I do, because He who called me is holy.
I will live in fear, (a reverent fear) of God, my Father and impartial Judge.
I will love others deeply from my heart.
(taken from 1 Peter 1)
These are some foundational principles for living in God’s will and way.
May God bless my intentions and enable me to follow them! I am heading in for counseling this afternoon, and I choose to go, because I know it’s what God wants me to do, to keep on the path of healing He has set me on.
Thank you all for your prayers, kind emails and comments. I love you all.