When I said I was terrified, trapped, that I couldn’t do it,
“Am I enough?”
I talked to Cindy about counseling and a bit more about my student teaching today, after my session with Tricia. I told her about how I felt God ask me if He was enough. I talked about how I felt I had wasted the 5 1/2 years of time and money in school with nothing to show.
In the midst of the therapy, God asked me, “Nothing?” And of course, coming to Christ at the end of my freshman year of college isn’t nothing. That’s when the “Am I enough” question came in from God.
When I relayed this stuff to Tricia, she asked me, “Ok, so is God enough?” I told her I didn’t know.
Lord, I don’t know. Are You enough? I want you to be. I long for Jesus alone, and nothing else, so I suppose that means that You are starting to be… Oh how I want to believe You are enough, really know it and believe it!
Tricia asked me if I’d had opportunities to take any English classes. I told her I did take some literature classes.
“Where you had to do some reading and writing?”
“Yes, we had to write some 30 page papers and stuff, and inside I was all excited, while everyone else was groaning.”
Maybe part of college was about writing, and learning to write better, that was Tricia’s thought. Maybe part of the thing of being in college was not only coming to Christ, but get more exposure to writing.
When I told this to Cindy, she just about died when something clicked for her. She said that as painful and hurtful as it was, maybe God stopped my student teaching to stop me from going in a direction He didn’t want me to go.
Because I hadn’t ever really asked Him about where He wanted me to go. I just assumed music was it and never thought anything else was possible.
I mean, the most I ever thought my writing would be was for me in my journals. The most I ever hoped, secretly in my heart, is that someday my family would want to look back, after I was gone, and want to read about my journey of faith, with it’s ups and downs. That’s one of the only reasons I have kept all my journals.
Never would I have dreamed to blog, except a friend was going overseas and started a blog to keep in touch, and so I did too. Now here I am writing my thoughts out for the world to see!
I wouldn’t have had my love for writing reawakened (at least from my perspective) without going through depression and trying to express myself somehow, and this blog turned into that medium.
So, can I embrace that?
Is He enough, even when He may have slammed that door in my face?
And another question.
Do I dare to dream?
Having a door slammed in my face, like that, especially with something I was so excited to do, and sank so much time and money into, and dreamed about for years and years… it killed something in me. It killed a dream but it also killed the desire to dream any other dreams. I think I started to believe a lie that I couldn’t dream. Or that my dreams weren’t worth anything. Or that God maybe didn’t want me to dream, or didn’t want to fulfill my dreams.
Before today, I believed that I could never have a dream again. I would get hurt if I did.
Before today, I said that it was my supervisor who slapped me in the face and slammed the door and made me give up.
He didn’t. He didn’t make me do anything. God shut that door. If God hadn’t, no one could have.
So do I say that God killed something in me?
Yeah, maybe He did.
Killed something in me so that something better could grow?
I hope so.
I know that after that time of losing my dream, I really didn’t dream big anymore. I would have fantasies once in a while… daydreams really… of what might be, of what relationships I might have with others, or once in a while, some way I could be used of God… But I dismissed them as pipe dreams, not grounded in reality, and certainly nothing that could really happen.
I haven’t dared to dream about something real. Something realistic. Something that God could really do. (Yes, I know, He could really do some of those other things if they were in His will… but I don’t think think that being a lead singer for a top Christian band or worship team is quite what He has in His mind for me…..)
But what about things that I know would be in His will… such as a stronger, healthier, deeper relationship with my husband… a better, more loving home for my kids… being a better mom and wife… I have been afraid to dream for the better or best for me and my family. Even afraid, or hesitant at least, to pray for them.
Anything deeper was way more than I could ask of God.
To dream for anything for myself….
It takes my breath away to even think about it…
Something that God might want for me… for me to do, or be, or become.
Today, something started to break through to me today, in counseling. I started to realize that there might have been a reason that I went to college after all. Yes, becoming a Christian was a big part of that.
When Tricia talked about my writing… (gasp… did I just call it MY writing? Nope, no lightning bolts yet…) I started to see something. Cindy followed it up, and helped clarify it.
Tricia admitted she has the desire to write, but felt envious of me, because I have a knack for it that she feels she doesn’t. Cindy told me that she has been so impressed with my writing too. She said there is something about how I say things, and express my thoughts backed up with knowledge, experience, etc. that speaks to readers.
I couldn’t take a compliment. When they both complimented me on my writing, I looked away, dismissed it immediately, without a thought.
Cindy built on what Tricia said about college giving me an opportunity to test my wings in writing. Maybe God shut the door on my student teaching, maybe He was saving me for something better.
I would have settled for something good.
He had better, best in mind for me.
She said that maybe God has saved me for writing. Whether that is on a blog, editing others writing, writing my own articles/books/whatever. She even went so far as to say, giving book tours, needing to speak on those tours, and who knows, once I have spoken, help lead in worship!!! (good grief)
I was getting scared even hearing her verbalize all these things.
Seriously. I was scared.
Because I couldn’t verbalize them.
I couldn’t even think them.
I have recently started think that maybe God has given me the gift of writing, and have been afraid to acknowledge it. Scared to death. I have been afraid to ask God about it. Afraid to ask God for a dream. I have been afraid to let this dream take root in my heart so that I won’t be hurt if it never happens.
So, the question again.
Do I dare to dream? And dream big?
Oh God, can I dare to trust You with my heart and the dreams that are planted there? And are You still going to be enough if not one of those dreams ever come to fruition? Please give me the courage I need to take the leap You are asking me to - to trust You with my heart and dreams again - to surrender them to you and let You plant them and grow them as You will. Oh to have God-authored dreams and hopes! Help me to step out and let You have it all. Oh Lord, Tricia took it one step, Cindy took it the next, and though I tried, You didn’t allow me to block out their powerful words of encouragement. Please God, I want to be in the very center of Your will. Even if that means taking the risk to dream again. I love you, Jesus. Thank you so much for these revelations today. Amen.