This title was borrowed from someone else.... actually from her post.
I have been reading her blog for a while now. Many of her posts stand out to me for many different reasons, and I keep going back.
I wouldn't have Lyla's job for all the world. Assessing other people's damages, losses to fires, storms, etc... to figure out how much it is all worth in dollars, and having to separate herself from the incalculable losses of things that can't be replaced......
Things that can't be redeemed....
Except by God.
Please do take a moment to read her post,
"Redeem This"
It's well worth the time.
Showing posts with label writings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writings. Show all posts
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Help me love You
Help me love You
all my days,
And praise You forever
for all the ways
You've been faithful to me
No matter what I do.
You've loved me even
When I haven't been true.
I feel bruised and broken
And all I want to do is cry.
You don't want me to just live
Yet deep inside really die.
You want me to make the choice
To cling only to You,
There to find the joy and rest
In Your arms so true.
Oh Lord! Help me to believe
deep in my heart
That nothing will ever tear
the two of us apart.
Oh my Father, help me to start
to make the right choices
and to stop listening
to all the wrong voices
That tell me that if I walk away
I can always come back again,
And expect that our relationship
will always be what it's always been.
You have rescued me from the dominion of darkness
and brought me into Your Kingdom
In you all things hold together,
including me, no matter what I run from.
Oh Jesus, hold me together!
I feel as if I'm breaking
Into millions of pieces!
I just can't keep on faking.
In the lonely dark
All I want is to turn to you.
When I turn the other way
I hate what I do.
Change my heart, my mind, my life.
Comfort, hold, fill, and heal me.
Only living in you, Jesus,
Will really keep me free.
all my days,
And praise You forever
for all the ways
You've been faithful to me
No matter what I do.
You've loved me even
When I haven't been true.
I feel bruised and broken
And all I want to do is cry.
You don't want me to just live
Yet deep inside really die.
You want me to make the choice
To cling only to You,
There to find the joy and rest
In Your arms so true.
Oh Lord! Help me to believe
deep in my heart
That nothing will ever tear
the two of us apart.
Oh my Father, help me to start
to make the right choices
and to stop listening
to all the wrong voices
That tell me that if I walk away
I can always come back again,
And expect that our relationship
will always be what it's always been.
You have rescued me from the dominion of darkness
and brought me into Your Kingdom
In you all things hold together,
including me, no matter what I run from.
Oh Jesus, hold me together!
I feel as if I'm breaking
Into millions of pieces!
I just can't keep on faking.
In the lonely dark
All I want is to turn to you.
When I turn the other way
I hate what I do.
Change my heart, my mind, my life.
Comfort, hold, fill, and heal me.
Only living in you, Jesus,
Will really keep me free.
(c) Copyright 2010 Heather Kudla. All rights reserved.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Advent of Trust #4; My Abba Father...
So I will catch up with my Advent posts to that I am actually doing a post on the right day and end up with 25. But today wasn't the day.I spend the day with my dear friend who is recovering from surgery.
I fed her my homemade chicken noodle soup. And some ice cream.
We were able to talk (way more than I thought we would, I was sure I would get a lot of writing and reading done today....)
And we were able to laugh.
She still is in pain, and still has a long recovery road ahead of her. But this was the most she has moved around, talked and been awake since last week Sunday.
For that, I am SO grateful!
Thank you, Jesus.
My contribution to my Advent of Trust posts for today:
A poem that I wrote as part of a creative exercise in my bible study devotional today.
My Abba Father
You rescued me from despair;
You healed me when I was beyond repair.
You are my shield and my defender.
To you my soul I will surrender.
Your strong love restores, forever stands;
My heart is safe within your hands.
Faithful Redeemer, powerful and just;
In you I will put all of my trust.
Heather Kudla (12-05-09)
A decision, a choice of surrender and of trust.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Against this granite...
This past week I received an email of encouragement. A friend said that he believes in his spirit that I am facing some really impossible circumstances.
He sent me a visual.
That rock there may look small, but it is granite. There is absolutely no way that I can even wiggle it.
That rock.
That impossible circumstance
no way of getting over it, around it, through it.
Pounded.
I feel bruised and broken.
Bashing myself again and again against this granite boulder.
Impossible. Immovable.
The granite stands firm against my all.
There is a way through, though it is unseen by me.
There is always a way through.
Created by God, needed by me.
Unseen until I search.
Unseen until I stoop down, and look closely.
Still an impossible situation.
Still a granite boulder that I cannot move.
But God.
My Jesus has provided a way through even this circumstance
this pain
this ache in my heart.
I haven't yet found the way through
or have I?
With no eyes to see,
certainties waver,
confidence dims.
In that dimming,
disappointments abound.
Inability to communicate.
Unwillingness to listen.
The wanting to share,
the fear of the pushing away
again
I'm hurt,
yet the yearning to be one, to be whole and complete
keeps me in this place,
brings me to my knees in the unknowing
The unknowing of the future
the wanting to know
the longing
for His path through
and His purification in the process,
painful though it may be.
Proverbs 18:10
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe."
That rock there may look small, but it is granite. There is absolutely no way that I can even wiggle it.That rock.
That impossible circumstance
no way of getting over it, around it, through it.
Pounded.
I feel bruised and broken.
Bashing myself again and again against this granite boulder.
Impossible. Immovable.
The granite stands firm against my all.
There is a way through, though it is unseen by me.
There is always a way through.
Created by God, needed by me.
Unseen until I search.
Unseen until I stoop down, and look closely.
Still an impossible situation.
Still a granite boulder that I cannot move.
But God.
My Jesus has provided a way through even this circumstance
this pain
this ache in my heart.
I haven't yet found the way through
or have I?
With no eyes to see,
certainties waver,
confidence dims.
In that dimming,
disappointments abound.
Inability to communicate.
Unwillingness to listen.
The wanting to share,
the fear of the pushing away
again
I'm hurt,
yet the yearning to be one, to be whole and complete
keeps me in this place,
brings me to my knees in the unknowing
The unknowing of the future
the wanting to know
the longing
for His path through
and His purification in the process,
painful though it may be.
Proverbs 18:10
"The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Do I dare to dream? What's in a name #11
When I said I was terrified, trapped, that I couldn’t do it,
He asked,
“Am I enough?”
I talked to Cindy about counseling and a bit more about my student teaching today, after my session with Tricia. I told her about how I felt God ask me if He was enough. I talked about how I felt I had wasted the 5 1/2 years of time and money in school with nothing to show.
In the midst of the therapy, God asked me, “Nothing?” And of course, coming to Christ at the end of my freshman year of college isn’t nothing. That’s when the “Am I enough” question came in from God.
When I relayed this stuff to Tricia, she asked me, “Ok, so is God enough?” I told her I didn’t know.
Lord, I don’t know. Are You enough? I want you to be. I long for Jesus alone, and nothing else, so I suppose that means that You are starting to be… Oh how I want to believe You are enough, really know it and believe it!
Tricia asked me if I’d had opportunities to take any English classes. I told her I did take some literature classes.
“Where you had to do some reading and writing?”
“Yes, we had to write some 30 page papers and stuff, and inside I was all excited, while everyone else was groaning.”
Maybe part of college was about writing, and learning to write better, that was Tricia’s thought. Maybe part of the thing of being in college was not only coming to Christ, but get more exposure to writing.
When I told this to Cindy, she just about died when something clicked for her. She said that as painful and hurtful as it was, maybe God stopped my student teaching to stop me from going in a direction He didn’t want me to go.
Because I hadn’t ever really asked Him about where He wanted me to go. I just assumed music was it and never thought anything else was possible.
I mean, the most I ever thought my writing would be was for me in my journals. The most I ever hoped, secretly in my heart, is that someday my family would want to look back, after I was gone, and want to read about my journey of faith, with it’s ups and downs. That’s one of the only reasons I have kept all my journals.
Never would I have dreamed to blog, except a friend was going overseas and started a blog to keep in touch, and so I did too. Now here I am writing my thoughts out for the world to see!
I wouldn’t have had my love for writing reawakened (at least from my perspective) without going through depression and trying to express myself somehow, and this blog turned into that medium.
So, can I embrace that?
Is He enough, even when He may have slammed that door in my face?
And another question.
Do I dare to dream?
Having a door slammed in my face, like that, especially with something I was so excited to do, and sank so much time and money into, and dreamed about for years and years… it killed something in me. It killed a dream but it also killed the desire to dream any other dreams. I think I started to believe a lie that I couldn’t dream. Or that my dreams weren’t worth anything. Or that God maybe didn’t want me to dream, or didn’t want to fulfill my dreams.
Before today, I believed that I could never have a dream again. I would get hurt if I did.
Before today, I said that it was my supervisor who slapped me in the face and slammed the door and made me give up.
He didn’t. He didn’t make me do anything. God shut that door. If God hadn’t, no one could have.
So do I say that God killed something in me?
Yeah, maybe He did.
Killed something in me so that something better could grow?
I hope so.
I know that after that time of losing my dream, I really didn’t dream big anymore. I would have fantasies once in a while… daydreams really… of what might be, of what relationships I might have with others, or once in a while, some way I could be used of God… But I dismissed them as pipe dreams, not grounded in reality, and certainly nothing that could really happen.
I haven’t dared to dream about something real. Something realistic. Something that God could really do. (Yes, I know, He could really do some of those other things if they were in His will… but I don’t think think that being a lead singer for a top Christian band or worship team is quite what He has in His mind for me…..)
But what about things that I know would be in His will… such as a stronger, healthier, deeper relationship with my husband… a better, more loving home for my kids… being a better mom and wife… I have been afraid to dream for the better or best for me and my family. Even afraid, or hesitant at least, to pray for them.
Anything deeper was way more than I could ask of God.
To dream for anything for myself….
It takes my breath away to even think about it…
Something that God might want for me… for me to do, or be, or become.
Really?!
Today, something started to break through to me today, in counseling. I started to realize that there might have been a reason that I went to college after all. Yes, becoming a Christian was a big part of that.
When Tricia talked about my writing… (gasp… did I just call it MY writing? Nope, no lightning bolts yet…) I started to see something. Cindy followed it up, and helped clarify it.
Tricia admitted she has the desire to write, but felt envious of me, because I have a knack for it that she feels she doesn’t. Cindy told me that she has been so impressed with my writing too. She said there is something about how I say things, and express my thoughts backed up with knowledge, experience, etc. that speaks to readers.
I couldn’t take a compliment. When they both complimented me on my writing, I looked away, dismissed it immediately, without a thought.
Cindy built on what Tricia said about college giving me an opportunity to test my wings in writing. Maybe God shut the door on my student teaching, maybe He was saving me for something better.
I would have settled for something good.
He had better, best in mind for me.
She said that maybe God has saved me for writing. Whether that is on a blog, editing others writing, writing my own articles/books/whatever. She even went so far as to say, giving book tours, needing to speak on those tours, and who knows, once I have spoken, help lead in worship!!! (good grief)
I was getting scared even hearing her verbalize all these things.
Seriously. I was scared.
Because I couldn’t verbalize them.
I couldn’t even think them.
I have recently started think that maybe God has given me the gift of writing, and have been afraid to acknowledge it. Scared to death. I have been afraid to ask God about it. Afraid to ask God for a dream. I have been afraid to let this dream take root in my heart so that I won’t be hurt if it never happens.
So, the question again.
Do I dare to dream? And dream big?
Oh God, can I dare to trust You with my heart and the dreams that are planted there? And are You still going to be enough if not one of those dreams ever come to fruition? Please give me the courage I need to take the leap You are asking me to - to trust You with my heart and dreams again - to surrender them to you and let You plant them and grow them as You will. Oh to have God-authored dreams and hopes! Help me to step out and let You have it all. Oh Lord, Tricia took it one step, Cindy took it the next, and though I tried, You didn’t allow me to block out their powerful words of encouragement. Please God, I want to be in the very center of Your will. Even if that means taking the risk to dream again. I love you, Jesus. Thank you so much for these revelations today. Amen.
He asked,
“Am I enough?”
I talked to Cindy about counseling and a bit more about my student teaching today, after my session with Tricia. I told her about how I felt God ask me if He was enough. I talked about how I felt I had wasted the 5 1/2 years of time and money in school with nothing to show.
In the midst of the therapy, God asked me, “Nothing?” And of course, coming to Christ at the end of my freshman year of college isn’t nothing. That’s when the “Am I enough” question came in from God.
When I relayed this stuff to Tricia, she asked me, “Ok, so is God enough?” I told her I didn’t know.
Lord, I don’t know. Are You enough? I want you to be. I long for Jesus alone, and nothing else, so I suppose that means that You are starting to be… Oh how I want to believe You are enough, really know it and believe it!
Tricia asked me if I’d had opportunities to take any English classes. I told her I did take some literature classes.
“Where you had to do some reading and writing?”
“Yes, we had to write some 30 page papers and stuff, and inside I was all excited, while everyone else was groaning.”
Maybe part of college was about writing, and learning to write better, that was Tricia’s thought. Maybe part of the thing of being in college was not only coming to Christ, but get more exposure to writing.
When I told this to Cindy, she just about died when something clicked for her. She said that as painful and hurtful as it was, maybe God stopped my student teaching to stop me from going in a direction He didn’t want me to go.
Because I hadn’t ever really asked Him about where He wanted me to go. I just assumed music was it and never thought anything else was possible.
I mean, the most I ever thought my writing would be was for me in my journals. The most I ever hoped, secretly in my heart, is that someday my family would want to look back, after I was gone, and want to read about my journey of faith, with it’s ups and downs. That’s one of the only reasons I have kept all my journals.
Never would I have dreamed to blog, except a friend was going overseas and started a blog to keep in touch, and so I did too. Now here I am writing my thoughts out for the world to see!
I wouldn’t have had my love for writing reawakened (at least from my perspective) without going through depression and trying to express myself somehow, and this blog turned into that medium.
So, can I embrace that?
Is He enough, even when He may have slammed that door in my face?
And another question.
Do I dare to dream?
Having a door slammed in my face, like that, especially with something I was so excited to do, and sank so much time and money into, and dreamed about for years and years… it killed something in me. It killed a dream but it also killed the desire to dream any other dreams. I think I started to believe a lie that I couldn’t dream. Or that my dreams weren’t worth anything. Or that God maybe didn’t want me to dream, or didn’t want to fulfill my dreams.
Before today, I believed that I could never have a dream again. I would get hurt if I did.
Before today, I said that it was my supervisor who slapped me in the face and slammed the door and made me give up.
He didn’t. He didn’t make me do anything. God shut that door. If God hadn’t, no one could have.
So do I say that God killed something in me?
Yeah, maybe He did.
Killed something in me so that something better could grow?
I hope so.
I know that after that time of losing my dream, I really didn’t dream big anymore. I would have fantasies once in a while… daydreams really… of what might be, of what relationships I might have with others, or once in a while, some way I could be used of God… But I dismissed them as pipe dreams, not grounded in reality, and certainly nothing that could really happen.
I haven’t dared to dream about something real. Something realistic. Something that God could really do. (Yes, I know, He could really do some of those other things if they were in His will… but I don’t think think that being a lead singer for a top Christian band or worship team is quite what He has in His mind for me…..)
But what about things that I know would be in His will… such as a stronger, healthier, deeper relationship with my husband… a better, more loving home for my kids… being a better mom and wife… I have been afraid to dream for the better or best for me and my family. Even afraid, or hesitant at least, to pray for them.
Anything deeper was way more than I could ask of God.
To dream for anything for myself….
It takes my breath away to even think about it…
Something that God might want for me… for me to do, or be, or become.
Really?!
Today, something started to break through to me today, in counseling. I started to realize that there might have been a reason that I went to college after all. Yes, becoming a Christian was a big part of that.
When Tricia talked about my writing… (gasp… did I just call it MY writing? Nope, no lightning bolts yet…) I started to see something. Cindy followed it up, and helped clarify it.
Tricia admitted she has the desire to write, but felt envious of me, because I have a knack for it that she feels she doesn’t. Cindy told me that she has been so impressed with my writing too. She said there is something about how I say things, and express my thoughts backed up with knowledge, experience, etc. that speaks to readers.
I couldn’t take a compliment. When they both complimented me on my writing, I looked away, dismissed it immediately, without a thought.
Cindy built on what Tricia said about college giving me an opportunity to test my wings in writing. Maybe God shut the door on my student teaching, maybe He was saving me for something better.
I would have settled for something good.
He had better, best in mind for me.
She said that maybe God has saved me for writing. Whether that is on a blog, editing others writing, writing my own articles/books/whatever. She even went so far as to say, giving book tours, needing to speak on those tours, and who knows, once I have spoken, help lead in worship!!! (good grief)
I was getting scared even hearing her verbalize all these things.
Seriously. I was scared.
Because I couldn’t verbalize them.
I couldn’t even think them.
I have recently started think that maybe God has given me the gift of writing, and have been afraid to acknowledge it. Scared to death. I have been afraid to ask God about it. Afraid to ask God for a dream. I have been afraid to let this dream take root in my heart so that I won’t be hurt if it never happens.
So, the question again.
Do I dare to dream? And dream big?
Oh God, can I dare to trust You with my heart and the dreams that are planted there? And are You still going to be enough if not one of those dreams ever come to fruition? Please give me the courage I need to take the leap You are asking me to - to trust You with my heart and dreams again - to surrender them to you and let You plant them and grow them as You will. Oh to have God-authored dreams and hopes! Help me to step out and let You have it all. Oh Lord, Tricia took it one step, Cindy took it the next, and though I tried, You didn’t allow me to block out their powerful words of encouragement. Please God, I want to be in the very center of Your will. Even if that means taking the risk to dream again. I love you, Jesus. Thank you so much for these revelations today. Amen.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Truth... Lies... What's in a name #10
I haven’t written for a while, at least not a “real” post since last week Tuesday. A lot has been going on, and I have been trying to emotionally recover, and try to focus on God, which is really hard when I have been having trouble sleeping and have two cute kids running around. (and frustrating kids at times)
The biggest thing for me that happened this past week, was that in my counseling session, I think we finally broke through the whole memory of the rape I have been trying to deal with.
When we started the therapy, I was so shaky and scared to face it again. The image that was in my head was the after effects, when I was curled up in the bathroom. I was so hurt and the pain was pretty overwhelming in the session. As she stopped the therapy, I found myself curled up on her couch in the fetal position. I was shaking and I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. I was remembering the feelings of being so numb and cold and alone. Fearful of letting the guy know how I was feeling, so I couldn’t make a sound, didn’t dare even cry.
With Tricia, I was finally able to cry. We weren’t even doing the therapy. I was just sitting on the couch, between bits of the therapy, and I don’t even remember the line of thought we were pursuing. I started to cry, to weep, to mourn. I was glad, and I think so was Tricia, because when I started to cry and tried to control it, she reminded me that it was ok to cry, and to just let it come. She just allowed me the space and time to cry. It was a bit hard because I felt a bit self-conscious but the emotions were so overwhelming, that I couldn’t really stop them…. though I could have used a big hug at that point from someone!
I guess the most important thing that I wanted to share was what happened at the end of the session. We were back to the therapy, trying to help me overlay the truth that even though this awful thing happened to me, that I was still significant, worthy, and never left alone by God.
As I was going through it, and praying it through as well, I felt like God was asking me to let it all go… the pain, the memories, the wounding from it, and give it to Him.
Through the tears, I surrendered it all.
Yes, I am still hurting. Yes, it’s not completely healed yet, but it is another piece of my heart that He has taken from my hands. I had pulled it from the box, but was afraid to let it go, even though that shattered piece was cutting my hands to ribbons. I turned my hands over, and gave that piece of my heart to my God. I know that He is healing it back into my heart, and He is healing my hands that I wounded by hanging onto this for so long.
The other big thing that happened this week was my being the leader for one of the worship teams for the first time. Wednesday night rehearsal went well, though after the counseling session earlier that day, I cried all the way from home to church.
Sunday morning went well too. Not great, not PERFECT! It went all right. The things that happened that were so glaringly wrong to me, were largely unnoticed by the rest of the congregation.
The thing was, once I was done, there was an emotional let down. I expected that. I didn’t expect the weight, the depression, and the feeling of … I don’t even know what.
After talking with my friend, Cindy, I realized that some of it is probably that I have started a new ministry. Every time I have begun a new ministry, become involved in something that might have some sort of impact for God’s kingdom, well, I end up under some sort of spiritual attack. This time, I felt the pressure of not doing a good enough job, seeing all the things I did wrong. I started feeling like my abilities are not good enough. That I am unable to do the job I took on, and I shouldn’t keep on.
I feel like crying and that the “I am not good enough” thought permeates everything. Being a wife, being a mom, being a friend, being a homemaker, being a Christian. I know each day is full of it’s own challenges. I know that God is with me and helping me. I know it. I am trying to cling to that truth that He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter what my feelings might be telling me.
So the after effects of some victories, is a down swing to the valley. Some more struggling with depression. Like my friend Amy said on a recent post, depression is a thief that comes in to steal away our “energy, enthusiasm, joy self-confidence.” I don’t want it to steal away my time with my kids, when I could be playing and enjoying our time together.
So, though the depression I am feeling right now would steal away my time with my kids, I am going to choose a different way today, to the best of my abilities. The depression would have me continue to bury myself at the computer, while they are clamoring for my attention. The depression would have me curl up under the covers and ignore everything.
I know the best way to battle the depression is to act on the truth that I know. God has given me nothing more than I can bear. He is with me. He is my strength, my song and my hope. I am going to choose to cling to him, and wring as much joy out of this day as I can.
Even when that includes changing stinky diapers, diaper pails, cat litter, breaking up fights, and trying to find SOMETHING to do with the kids on this cold, cloudy day!
****** NOTE: This seems to relate to the “Yes to God Tuesdays” Ms. Perfection chapter that is due today. As I need to get to the kids for now, I will be posting later on today… it will probably add to these thoughts…
The biggest thing for me that happened this past week, was that in my counseling session, I think we finally broke through the whole memory of the rape I have been trying to deal with.
When we started the therapy, I was so shaky and scared to face it again. The image that was in my head was the after effects, when I was curled up in the bathroom. I was so hurt and the pain was pretty overwhelming in the session. As she stopped the therapy, I found myself curled up on her couch in the fetal position. I was shaking and I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. I was remembering the feelings of being so numb and cold and alone. Fearful of letting the guy know how I was feeling, so I couldn’t make a sound, didn’t dare even cry.
With Tricia, I was finally able to cry. We weren’t even doing the therapy. I was just sitting on the couch, between bits of the therapy, and I don’t even remember the line of thought we were pursuing. I started to cry, to weep, to mourn. I was glad, and I think so was Tricia, because when I started to cry and tried to control it, she reminded me that it was ok to cry, and to just let it come. She just allowed me the space and time to cry. It was a bit hard because I felt a bit self-conscious but the emotions were so overwhelming, that I couldn’t really stop them…. though I could have used a big hug at that point from someone!
I guess the most important thing that I wanted to share was what happened at the end of the session. We were back to the therapy, trying to help me overlay the truth that even though this awful thing happened to me, that I was still significant, worthy, and never left alone by God.
As I was going through it, and praying it through as well, I felt like God was asking me to let it all go… the pain, the memories, the wounding from it, and give it to Him.
Through the tears, I surrendered it all.
Yes, I am still hurting. Yes, it’s not completely healed yet, but it is another piece of my heart that He has taken from my hands. I had pulled it from the box, but was afraid to let it go, even though that shattered piece was cutting my hands to ribbons. I turned my hands over, and gave that piece of my heart to my God. I know that He is healing it back into my heart, and He is healing my hands that I wounded by hanging onto this for so long.
The other big thing that happened this week was my being the leader for one of the worship teams for the first time. Wednesday night rehearsal went well, though after the counseling session earlier that day, I cried all the way from home to church.
Sunday morning went well too. Not great, not PERFECT! It went all right. The things that happened that were so glaringly wrong to me, were largely unnoticed by the rest of the congregation.
The thing was, once I was done, there was an emotional let down. I expected that. I didn’t expect the weight, the depression, and the feeling of … I don’t even know what.
After talking with my friend, Cindy, I realized that some of it is probably that I have started a new ministry. Every time I have begun a new ministry, become involved in something that might have some sort of impact for God’s kingdom, well, I end up under some sort of spiritual attack. This time, I felt the pressure of not doing a good enough job, seeing all the things I did wrong. I started feeling like my abilities are not good enough. That I am unable to do the job I took on, and I shouldn’t keep on.
I feel like crying and that the “I am not good enough” thought permeates everything. Being a wife, being a mom, being a friend, being a homemaker, being a Christian. I know each day is full of it’s own challenges. I know that God is with me and helping me. I know it. I am trying to cling to that truth that He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter what my feelings might be telling me.
So the after effects of some victories, is a down swing to the valley. Some more struggling with depression. Like my friend Amy said on a recent post, depression is a thief that comes in to steal away our “energy, enthusiasm, joy self-confidence.” I don’t want it to steal away my time with my kids, when I could be playing and enjoying our time together.
So, though the depression I am feeling right now would steal away my time with my kids, I am going to choose a different way today, to the best of my abilities. The depression would have me continue to bury myself at the computer, while they are clamoring for my attention. The depression would have me curl up under the covers and ignore everything.
I know the best way to battle the depression is to act on the truth that I know. God has given me nothing more than I can bear. He is with me. He is my strength, my song and my hope. I am going to choose to cling to him, and wring as much joy out of this day as I can.
Even when that includes changing stinky diapers, diaper pails, cat litter, breaking up fights, and trying to find SOMETHING to do with the kids on this cold, cloudy day!
****** NOTE: This seems to relate to the “Yes to God Tuesdays” Ms. Perfection chapter that is due today. As I need to get to the kids for now, I will be posting later on today… it will probably add to these thoughts…
Friday, September 19, 2008
My journey, a poem...
This past weekend I was sitting at my desk, watching the grey skies, and the rain.
It was cold and breezy, and a perfect day to snuggle up with a blanket, a book and a hot mug of coffee.
I was catching up on my blog reading, and thinking about my past post about anger. as I sat there and thought, some phrases kept coming into my head. I just couldn’t get them out.
So finally I started writing. In about a half hour, maybe a bit more, I had the following poem all written out. I thought I would leave it here for you all to read. Another “Dancing in the streets” thing, I think. Another reason to “Greatly Rejoice.”
It was cold and breezy, and a perfect day to snuggle up with a blanket, a book and a hot mug of coffee.
I was catching up on my blog reading, and thinking about my past post about anger. as I sat there and thought, some phrases kept coming into my head. I just couldn’t get them out.
So finally I started writing. In about a half hour, maybe a bit more, I had the following poem all written out. I thought I would leave it here for you all to read. Another “Dancing in the streets” thing, I think. Another reason to “Greatly Rejoice.”
My Journey
In the depths of disillusionment and despair,
From the cell of my own making,
I looked up, and I saw Him there.
Wrapped in light and looking down at me
He whispered into my heart
“Do you want to be set free?”
I trembled as I started to imagine what might be;
“How do I answer that question?
The possibilities are endless, if I were really free.”
The choices to make, of which way to go;
The wide open, green plains
Or the mountains capped with snow?
I started to shake even more,
The possibilities dazzled me,
Filled me with fear to my very core.
For my cell was all I knew.
Despair covered me,
As away from that light I drew.
“How can I be free?”
I whispered, “I know what I did!
I know what was done to me!”
He answered me, as I began to cry;
“So do I, my child,
“That’s why I sent My Son to die.”
“I have tried and tried,
“But I can’t,” I sobbed,
“I can’t leave the pain to which I’m tied.”
Then I felt His gentle hand
Untie the cords
And help me to stand.
He lifted me up, into His light.
I couldn’t resist Him,
I didn’t even try to fight.
The pain was intense, in His hold.
But I knew He was healing me,
Without needing to be told.
All the old flesh was stripped away,
As we drew closer
To the bright fresh light of day.
As I began to see more clearly,
“I’m angry!” I cried.
“Why did You let all these things inside?”
“To help you to trust Me,”
He said with such love.
“And to purify your faith in the One up above.”
“To draw you closer to my Son,
Jesus, who died
So we could be one.”
“To teach you to reach out to
The One called alongside,
My Holy Spirit who will never hide.”
My breath caught in my throat and my voice was stilled.
I realized I had a choice.
Would I with bitterness always be filled?
Everything in me shook as I turned.
Would I see disappointment
And from Him be spurned?
But instead of what I feared to see,
I found love and acceptance,
And all He hoped me to be.
To be healed, cleansed, free and whole.
To reach out to others.
To bring light to another dark soul.
Wrapped in His love, I have one mission.
To be a healed helper
With only Him to fill my vision.
By Heather Kudla 09-13-08
In the depths of disillusionment and despair,
From the cell of my own making,
I looked up, and I saw Him there.
Wrapped in light and looking down at me
He whispered into my heart
“Do you want to be set free?”
I trembled as I started to imagine what might be;
“How do I answer that question?
The possibilities are endless, if I were really free.”
The choices to make, of which way to go;
The wide open, green plains
Or the mountains capped with snow?
I started to shake even more,
The possibilities dazzled me,
Filled me with fear to my very core.
For my cell was all I knew.
Despair covered me,
As away from that light I drew.
“How can I be free?”
I whispered, “I know what I did!
I know what was done to me!”
He answered me, as I began to cry;
“So do I, my child,
“That’s why I sent My Son to die.”
“I have tried and tried,
“But I can’t,” I sobbed,
“I can’t leave the pain to which I’m tied.”
Then I felt His gentle hand
Untie the cords
And help me to stand.
He lifted me up, into His light.
I couldn’t resist Him,
I didn’t even try to fight.
The pain was intense, in His hold.
But I knew He was healing me,
Without needing to be told.
All the old flesh was stripped away,
As we drew closer
To the bright fresh light of day.
As I began to see more clearly,
“I’m angry!” I cried.
“Why did You let all these things inside?”
“To help you to trust Me,”
He said with such love.
“And to purify your faith in the One up above.”
“To draw you closer to my Son,
Jesus, who died
So we could be one.”
“To teach you to reach out to
The One called alongside,
My Holy Spirit who will never hide.”
My breath caught in my throat and my voice was stilled.
I realized I had a choice.
Would I with bitterness always be filled?
Everything in me shook as I turned.
Would I see disappointment
And from Him be spurned?
But instead of what I feared to see,
I found love and acceptance,
And all He hoped me to be.
To be healed, cleansed, free and whole.
To reach out to others.
To bring light to another dark soul.
Wrapped in His love, I have one mission.
To be a healed helper
With only Him to fill my vision.
By Heather Kudla 09-13-08
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Nothing... What's in a name #9
It’s really hard to write when I am not feeling good. Not only have I been knocked down and out by this cold, but I have been knocked down and out by this past counseling session.
To say it was difficult or even brutal is an understatement!
I came away from there so shaken and sickened. Only today am I starting to feel like myself again. Maybe part of that had to do with my being sick and low energy reserves from that, I don’t know. But I have been definitely hurting ever since Wednesday.
That’s why it’s been so quiet over here.
During my counseling, Tricia had to stop me a couple of times to give me a chance to calm down, to get a drink of water, and recover a bit. I didn’t “re-live” a lot of the incident, but did get probably a bit more into the memory, and got it into first person. Which meant that I did relive a lot of that pain. Which was what I think I was dealing with the end of this week. The fall out.
As we talked, there was one point where I was about to identify a lie that I was believing, or at least a thought that was there. But I forgot it before I could tell Tricia. I don’t know that I have remembered it yet, but once I got home, and was trying to nap with my daughter, a lie surfaced that has never been there before, at least never acknowledged consciously by me.
“I am nothing.”
I know. Very obviously, a lie. But I think this whole issue was another “proof” of that lie for me.
I know this is not true. I know this is just another negative name the enemy has called me, that other people have called me through their actions, that I have taken on and accepted as my own.
I even know that saying this about myself flies in the face of all God has said about me. I know that it is me calling Him a liar, by disbelieving the Truth about who I am in Him. I know that is a sin. After my pastor’s sermon last week talking about God’s faithfulness, how can I possibly doubt that the promises He gives me, and the good names He calls me?
God’s part is to be faithful, my part is to trust Him.
I feel that I have not been doing a good job holding up my end of that. I find myself constantly praying, “Lord, help my unbelief!” But, I suppose, that is part of this struggle too.
I have found myself doubting God’s promises to redeem. To redeem me (or that I am already). To redeem the years the locusts have eaten. That He would make me glad for as many days as I have been afflicted, for as many years as I have seen trouble. (Ps. 90:15)
I mean, if I am nothing, then what is there to redeem? Tricia said, and I agree, that the roots of this incident run very deep. And maybe this lie is getting closer to the root. To the very bottom. To the core lie, or maybe is the core lie, that I have been acting on for so long. I have been living with it for so long.
If I am nothing, then anyone can do anything to me and it doesn’t matter. I can even walk into a situation with my eyes wide open, but if I am nothing, and have no value, what does it really matter what I do. I die another little death each time. And if a little bit more of me dies each time something happens, well, then is there anything left at all?
How can you redeem something that isn’t there? If the roots of this run deep, and they get uprooted… Uprooted from what? Maybe the roots are all there are to me. Maybe the lie is all there is left. All the things that I do, all the things that others see me as, even the writing I do here… is that just a way to try to prove that I exist even? (Oh, I know how crazy all this sounds… I know it is wrong… but this is where my thoughts have been going… I am just being honest) All the things I do, are outer trappings.
One of the most frustrating verses, or things that someone can tell me is to “Be still, and know that I am God.” I get told to stop doing and just be. Still? What is that? Be? Be what? Who am I supposed to be? Who am I? When I am not “doing” something? I don’t really know. AM I nothing?
I could list all the truths of who I am. I know them in my head. But that hasn’t made it all the way to my heart yet.
Yet, some of them have.
As the smaller lies have been chipped away,
the truth has replaced them.
I am going to have to hang on somehow till the end of all of this. Because somewhere in me there is a spot, a small, little bit that must be clinging and struggling to survive… a little bit that still trusts. Still trusts God.
He has been faithful as I have asked Him in the past to replace the lies, to help my unbelief. He has given me truth instead about myself. So when the lies are uprooted… there isn’t nothing left. There is truth left.
This just occurred to me (forgive me, I have been processing as I have been writing it). There are two lies at work. One is “I am nothing.” The other is, “When the lies are gone, there is nothing to replace them.”
The Truth is that I am God’s daughter. I am His. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am worthy. I am forgiven. I am cleansed by the blood of the Lamb.
He created me.
From nothing.
So, once I was nothing.
Now I am something.
If I could get a handle on that, now, wouldn’t that be something?!
To say it was difficult or even brutal is an understatement!
I came away from there so shaken and sickened. Only today am I starting to feel like myself again. Maybe part of that had to do with my being sick and low energy reserves from that, I don’t know. But I have been definitely hurting ever since Wednesday.
That’s why it’s been so quiet over here.
During my counseling, Tricia had to stop me a couple of times to give me a chance to calm down, to get a drink of water, and recover a bit. I didn’t “re-live” a lot of the incident, but did get probably a bit more into the memory, and got it into first person. Which meant that I did relive a lot of that pain. Which was what I think I was dealing with the end of this week. The fall out.
As we talked, there was one point where I was about to identify a lie that I was believing, or at least a thought that was there. But I forgot it before I could tell Tricia. I don’t know that I have remembered it yet, but once I got home, and was trying to nap with my daughter, a lie surfaced that has never been there before, at least never acknowledged consciously by me.
“I am nothing.”
I know. Very obviously, a lie. But I think this whole issue was another “proof” of that lie for me.
This is what I wrote in my journal:
I feel deep down inside that I am nothing. Maybe that is part of what all this is about, as I am working through the rape and sodomy that I endured at the hands of that guy. Even all the stuff I have done, the things I push myself to do now, even if (and when) I’m uncomfortable, seem like a shout out into the darkness… a scream to prove that I exist… because I feel that I really don’t sometimes. I do all these things to try to dispel the fear that it might be true that I am nothing.
Deeper than “I am a mistake” or “I am not wanted.”
Deeper than “I am only good enough for sex or to be used.”
“I am nothing” means it doesn’t matter what happens to me because I, literally, am nothing. People can do whatever they want and it doesn’t matter.
I know this is not true. I know this is just another negative name the enemy has called me, that other people have called me through their actions, that I have taken on and accepted as my own.
I even know that saying this about myself flies in the face of all God has said about me. I know that it is me calling Him a liar, by disbelieving the Truth about who I am in Him. I know that is a sin. After my pastor’s sermon last week talking about God’s faithfulness, how can I possibly doubt that the promises He gives me, and the good names He calls me?
God’s part is to be faithful, my part is to trust Him.
I feel that I have not been doing a good job holding up my end of that. I find myself constantly praying, “Lord, help my unbelief!” But, I suppose, that is part of this struggle too.
I have found myself doubting God’s promises to redeem. To redeem me (or that I am already). To redeem the years the locusts have eaten. That He would make me glad for as many days as I have been afflicted, for as many years as I have seen trouble. (Ps. 90:15)
I mean, if I am nothing, then what is there to redeem? Tricia said, and I agree, that the roots of this incident run very deep. And maybe this lie is getting closer to the root. To the very bottom. To the core lie, or maybe is the core lie, that I have been acting on for so long. I have been living with it for so long.
If I am nothing, then anyone can do anything to me and it doesn’t matter. I can even walk into a situation with my eyes wide open, but if I am nothing, and have no value, what does it really matter what I do. I die another little death each time. And if a little bit more of me dies each time something happens, well, then is there anything left at all?
How can you redeem something that isn’t there? If the roots of this run deep, and they get uprooted… Uprooted from what? Maybe the roots are all there are to me. Maybe the lie is all there is left. All the things that I do, all the things that others see me as, even the writing I do here… is that just a way to try to prove that I exist even? (Oh, I know how crazy all this sounds… I know it is wrong… but this is where my thoughts have been going… I am just being honest) All the things I do, are outer trappings.
One of the most frustrating verses, or things that someone can tell me is to “Be still, and know that I am God.” I get told to stop doing and just be. Still? What is that? Be? Be what? Who am I supposed to be? Who am I? When I am not “doing” something? I don’t really know. AM I nothing?
I could list all the truths of who I am. I know them in my head. But that hasn’t made it all the way to my heart yet.
Yet, some of them have.
As the smaller lies have been chipped away,
the truth has replaced them.
I am going to have to hang on somehow till the end of all of this. Because somewhere in me there is a spot, a small, little bit that must be clinging and struggling to survive… a little bit that still trusts. Still trusts God.
He has been faithful as I have asked Him in the past to replace the lies, to help my unbelief. He has given me truth instead about myself. So when the lies are uprooted… there isn’t nothing left. There is truth left.
This just occurred to me (forgive me, I have been processing as I have been writing it). There are two lies at work. One is “I am nothing.” The other is, “When the lies are gone, there is nothing to replace them.”
The Truth is that I am God’s daughter. I am His. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am worthy. I am forgiven. I am cleansed by the blood of the Lamb.
He created me.
From nothing.
So, once I was nothing.
Now I am something.
If I could get a handle on that, now, wouldn’t that be something?!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Beautiful?!? What's in a name #8
The other day I was writing about value in Christ. Specifically that He values each and every one of us so much more than we could ever imagine.
That I can accept. I am accepting that. I am actually finding that I believe that.
But there is one problem…
Though I can see that He loves me and accepts me, I can’t look in the mirror. I mean I do when I have to, but I KNOW I am not seeing what God sees.
I see me. I see my past. I see my hurt. I see my pain. I see my shame. I see my mistakes. I see the things done to me. I see the things I have done.
And I know that God sees all that too…
When I look at all that, I see each one of them like a “black mark” against me. I see each thing as something that made me a bit more ugly each time. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror, because outwardly many times I don’t like what I see. What I see there isn’t beautiful. I find it very hard to find something I can honestly say I like, about how I physically look.
So for a long time, I have thought, well, focus on the inner beauty God talks about.
“You beauty should not come from outward adornment. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
1 Peter 3:3-4
Reading those verses again, I feel like I am reading them for the first time, and starting to see how they got twisted in my mind.
I heard the part about beauty not being about outward adornment. And I even heard the part of about it being it should be that of your inner self… but stopped listening to the rest. I have looked at myself in the mirror for so long and discounted anything there that might be considered outward beauty… because God doesn’t look at the outside (the things that man sees) He looks at what is on the inside.
That scares me. Honestly. It really does. Because I know what is in my heart. I know what I have seen in there… and know that God sees that too… so how in the world could that be beautiful to him?
So if my beauty is to come from inside, then my reasoning has been… “well, then I really am ugly, cause there is nothing nice in there…”
Now I know that is wrong. I know that God is the judge of what real beauty is. Someone who has physical beauty by worldly standards may be ugly because of what is in them, their character. And someone who is not considered beautiful by worldly standards may be breathtaking because of who they are inside. I have looked at my outside, and by worldly standards, felt myself lacking. But then I have looked inside and thought I was lacking there as well… because of what I have done, and what has been done to me.
All this week I have been struggling with a huge sense of shame, feeling covered with it, feeling ugly because of it, feeling that there was nothing about me that God or anyone else could like about me, much less find beautiful. I have allowed the enemy to really play mind games with me. I have allowed him to fill my head with lies. Lies that I will never be clean. That God will never really love me all the way, because look at what I did… even if it wasn’t my fault, even if it was something done to me…
The enemy has been taking a situation in my life that I am trying to deal with through counseling right now, and is blowing it up bigger and bigger in my face. I can’t seem to escape it. I can’t seem to make sense of it. I can’t seem to let the images go, and let God’s word overtake what happened and heal me.
Earlier this week was a lot worse than now. On Thursday I spent a long time on the phone with Cindy, and spent a good half of that time in tears (sobbing) with her. I couldn’t control my emotions. I couldn’t control my pain. I couldn’t control my thoughts, and couldn’t (or was having a hard time) take the words of truth that Cindy was speaking to me, and accept them, believe them, internalize them. It was like I was listening, but discounting what she said right away. (Sorry Cindy, but it’s true…)
I woke up Friday and was doing better. I know part of it was because I stopped stuffing the emotions and let them out some on Thursday. I also know that part of it was prayer and God working in me to change my attitude. And part of it was, as soon as I got up on Friday, I spent time with God immediately. I read His word, I prayed, I journaled, and it made a big difference.
Today, my pastor talked about God’s sovereignty. How God has made us, all things, and can do with us and everything He has created as He wills. He doesn’t have to answer to us. We can pour out our hearts to Him about how we feel about what He allows or does… but to question what He does, or the reason behind it, is a problem.
“But who are you, oh man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, Why did you make me like this? Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?” Romans 9:20-21
I realize this morning, just from the sermon and this scripture, that my problem with seeing the beauty in myself physically, outwardly and the beauty inside of me was questioning God. I have been questioning God that He really did make me as anything of worth or beauty. I have been telling God that the things He allowed into my life to refine me and mold me and make me into the creation He wants me to be, for the use He wants me to have… is bad, or is wrong. I have been telling Him that part of His creation, that He loves and has made beautiful, is ugly and has no value.
I have been telling my God and Creator that the pain inflicted on me through someone in college, and all the other things I did or were done to me, made me damaged and ugly. To the point that God couldn’t fix me.
I have been basically telling God that I deserved what I got, that I am ugly and unworthy, damaged and useless. I have told Him that there is no way He could fix this. I have told Him that I hate what I see in the mirror (hate His creation) and that I hate what is inside of me. I have told Him that I am lower than dirt. A broken pot, whose pieces weren’t even worth enough to be used by Job to scrap his skin.
But who am I to tell the Potter that He made me wrong, that I am not usable for whatever purpose He made me, whether noble or common?
In my family group this week, I shared with them that I was really struggling to deal with a situation of another date rape (different than the one I have mentioned here before). That it has been invading my thoughts all week, and really overwhelming me. As they prayed for me, my group leader prayed that God would help me to be able to refocus my thoughts on Christ, and that I would be assured of my worth in Him. He also prayed that I would know how much they all saw Christ’s beauty in me, and that I would see His beauty shining in me myself. That I would recognize the beauty of Christ in me, and that He was showing me beautiful to others. I NEVER SAID A THING about my struggle with beauty and ugliness this week or how this situation was affecting that so directly!
Thank you God for another way You have shown me how You are working. Even in directing people’s prayers for me. I am sorry Lord for saying that something You created is not good. I am sorry for believing the lies. Help me in my unbelief and heal me. Help me to cling to your truth. Help me to not entertain the thoughts and memories of what happened to me, or even my part in them. Help me instead to meditate on Your word, to fill my head and heart with Your truth. Help both Tricia and I to be open to Your Spirit and guidance tomorrow evening, and give me the willingness to let this go, let it be in the past, and move forward with You. Amen.
That I can accept. I am accepting that. I am actually finding that I believe that.
But there is one problem…
Though I can see that He loves me and accepts me, I can’t look in the mirror. I mean I do when I have to, but I KNOW I am not seeing what God sees.
I see me. I see my past. I see my hurt. I see my pain. I see my shame. I see my mistakes. I see the things done to me. I see the things I have done.
And I know that God sees all that too…
When I look at all that, I see each one of them like a “black mark” against me. I see each thing as something that made me a bit more ugly each time. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror, because outwardly many times I don’t like what I see. What I see there isn’t beautiful. I find it very hard to find something I can honestly say I like, about how I physically look.
So for a long time, I have thought, well, focus on the inner beauty God talks about.
“You beauty should not come from outward adornment. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
1 Peter 3:3-4
Reading those verses again, I feel like I am reading them for the first time, and starting to see how they got twisted in my mind.
I heard the part about beauty not being about outward adornment. And I even heard the part of about it being it should be that of your inner self… but stopped listening to the rest. I have looked at myself in the mirror for so long and discounted anything there that might be considered outward beauty… because God doesn’t look at the outside (the things that man sees) He looks at what is on the inside.
That scares me. Honestly. It really does. Because I know what is in my heart. I know what I have seen in there… and know that God sees that too… so how in the world could that be beautiful to him?
So if my beauty is to come from inside, then my reasoning has been… “well, then I really am ugly, cause there is nothing nice in there…”
Now I know that is wrong. I know that God is the judge of what real beauty is. Someone who has physical beauty by worldly standards may be ugly because of what is in them, their character. And someone who is not considered beautiful by worldly standards may be breathtaking because of who they are inside. I have looked at my outside, and by worldly standards, felt myself lacking. But then I have looked inside and thought I was lacking there as well… because of what I have done, and what has been done to me.
All this week I have been struggling with a huge sense of shame, feeling covered with it, feeling ugly because of it, feeling that there was nothing about me that God or anyone else could like about me, much less find beautiful. I have allowed the enemy to really play mind games with me. I have allowed him to fill my head with lies. Lies that I will never be clean. That God will never really love me all the way, because look at what I did… even if it wasn’t my fault, even if it was something done to me…
The enemy has been taking a situation in my life that I am trying to deal with through counseling right now, and is blowing it up bigger and bigger in my face. I can’t seem to escape it. I can’t seem to make sense of it. I can’t seem to let the images go, and let God’s word overtake what happened and heal me.
Earlier this week was a lot worse than now. On Thursday I spent a long time on the phone with Cindy, and spent a good half of that time in tears (sobbing) with her. I couldn’t control my emotions. I couldn’t control my pain. I couldn’t control my thoughts, and couldn’t (or was having a hard time) take the words of truth that Cindy was speaking to me, and accept them, believe them, internalize them. It was like I was listening, but discounting what she said right away. (Sorry Cindy, but it’s true…)
I woke up Friday and was doing better. I know part of it was because I stopped stuffing the emotions and let them out some on Thursday. I also know that part of it was prayer and God working in me to change my attitude. And part of it was, as soon as I got up on Friday, I spent time with God immediately. I read His word, I prayed, I journaled, and it made a big difference.
Today, my pastor talked about God’s sovereignty. How God has made us, all things, and can do with us and everything He has created as He wills. He doesn’t have to answer to us. We can pour out our hearts to Him about how we feel about what He allows or does… but to question what He does, or the reason behind it, is a problem.
“But who are you, oh man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, Why did you make me like this? Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?” Romans 9:20-21
I realize this morning, just from the sermon and this scripture, that my problem with seeing the beauty in myself physically, outwardly and the beauty inside of me was questioning God. I have been questioning God that He really did make me as anything of worth or beauty. I have been telling God that the things He allowed into my life to refine me and mold me and make me into the creation He wants me to be, for the use He wants me to have… is bad, or is wrong. I have been telling Him that part of His creation, that He loves and has made beautiful, is ugly and has no value.
I have been telling my God and Creator that the pain inflicted on me through someone in college, and all the other things I did or were done to me, made me damaged and ugly. To the point that God couldn’t fix me.
I have been basically telling God that I deserved what I got, that I am ugly and unworthy, damaged and useless. I have told Him that there is no way He could fix this. I have told Him that I hate what I see in the mirror (hate His creation) and that I hate what is inside of me. I have told Him that I am lower than dirt. A broken pot, whose pieces weren’t even worth enough to be used by Job to scrap his skin.
But who am I to tell the Potter that He made me wrong, that I am not usable for whatever purpose He made me, whether noble or common?
In my family group this week, I shared with them that I was really struggling to deal with a situation of another date rape (different than the one I have mentioned here before). That it has been invading my thoughts all week, and really overwhelming me. As they prayed for me, my group leader prayed that God would help me to be able to refocus my thoughts on Christ, and that I would be assured of my worth in Him. He also prayed that I would know how much they all saw Christ’s beauty in me, and that I would see His beauty shining in me myself. That I would recognize the beauty of Christ in me, and that He was showing me beautiful to others. I NEVER SAID A THING about my struggle with beauty and ugliness this week or how this situation was affecting that so directly!
Thank you God for another way You have shown me how You are working. Even in directing people’s prayers for me. I am sorry Lord for saying that something You created is not good. I am sorry for believing the lies. Help me in my unbelief and heal me. Help me to cling to your truth. Help me to not entertain the thoughts and memories of what happened to me, or even my part in them. Help me instead to meditate on Your word, to fill my head and heart with Your truth. Help both Tricia and I to be open to Your Spirit and guidance tomorrow evening, and give me the willingness to let this go, let it be in the past, and move forward with You. Amen.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Our God is so good... What's in a name #6
At Monday’s counseling session, God really did work. I am amazed every time He meets me where I am, and amazed at how patient He is with me.
When I got to Tricia’s office, she was walking out her office door as I was walking into the reception area. She greeted me and told me to go on back, and as I was getting settled, she walked in and said that she felt like she had been with me already the past five minutes. When I asked what she meant, she told me that she had been on my blog (!!!) and read my most recent post… which happened to be the one where I was asking you all for prayer for this particular session!
It was really neat because she had the background of the things I was dealing with, before I even came in, so I didn’t have to go over them too much with her, and I was blessed to know that when she had a little bit of free time (and she doesn’t have much of that!!!) she took the time to read what I had written.
As we talked about the parts of the attempted date rape that still really stood out at me, it created a lot anxiety, and made me start feeling sick to my stomach some. We started the EMDR therapy, and worked around the specific point that was so painfully vivid. That particular moment made me believe, and reinforced several lies:
I am trapped. I will never get away.
I am only good for sex.
I am damaged goods carried over from the last time too.
I can remember thinking at the time of the incident, that if this is what love is, then I don’t want any part of it. I can remember being in the session and feeling so scared and like I couldn’t breathe at all. Finally I think God broke through and I started to cry some. After some encouragement from Tricia (and prayers too I think) I was finally able to just let go and cry.
I sobbed. But I was finally able to mourn and really let the pain out as I did.
Tricia had me stop the therapy and I collected myself and tried to stop crying. Then she asked me to do something new. She asked me if I could take the memory of that incident, and the lies associated essentially, and make it something tangible.
I didn’t understand at first. She explained that she wanted me to imagine the incident, feelings, etc as something I could touch and see.. like before I saw a black box changed into a white gift box, the pain in my heart had become something tangible. So, once I understood what she meant, we started up the EMDR therapy again.
I know that God was facilitating all of this up to this point. I knew it was God who finally helped me break through the wall I had put up against the emotions and pain of that time. It was He who helped me finally cry and let out the pain.
But now it was almost visible. I got this image in my head. It may have come from reading through the “No other gods” study that I have been doing. But I think God used that example to help me visualize something tangible.
I saw Jesus handing me things out from under my bed. Lifting out the words, Dirty, Ashamed, Used, Damaged Goods, Trapped, Good for nothing but sex… all of it. I had to put those in a garbage can. Just get rid of all of them and move the can out to the street.
Only, I couldn’t move the can. It was too heavy, and I realized that I was never going to make it out to the street before the garbage truck came. I turned to Jesus, desperate, and He came and moved the can for me. I had my hand on it, but like a 4 year old without his parent helping, there was no way I could budge it or even guide it. Jesus helped me get it out to the street. Then He made me stand there, watch the truck pick up the can and empty it of all my junk, and drive it away. All I could do was cling to Jesus, feeling the stuff almost being pulled from me, off of me, out of me.
I remember crying. I don’t know whether it was out of relief, feeling lighter, or the pain of something that has been a part of me so long, finally leaving.
I was able to tell Tricia about it. I think I was still in shock. It’s taken a while to sink in. I am still letting it sink in and soak through me at how God worked things out for me to be able to let go the hold this situation had on me.
Tricia asked me to revisit the moment that had been so vivid, one more time. This time she wanted me to try to overlay the truths over the incident. The truths I want to become a part of me, even though this all happened to me:
I am free in Christ.
I am worthwhile.
And, in Him I am complete.
As I focused in on the moment that had so tortured me over the past weeks, and tried to think about the truths, I found it extremely hard to focus in on that memory. I found that my thoughts just kept jumping to my “safe place.” My safe place is a spot out on my in-laws farm, on a lake, under the trees, where I sat last fall, watching a blue heron in the water, hearing the wind in the trees, and the waves on the beach… resting in God’s presence. That is where my thoughts kept returning to every time I tried to focus on the attempted rape, with the positive thoughts.
All the while the words “free” and “worthy” were alternating with each other in my head.
When I told Tricia what had happened, it was a moment of victory. It meant I had finally made a break with this memory. Right then and there, she asked me on a scale of 1-7 (1 not at all, 7 totally know and believe it) how much I know and believe that I am free and worthwhile. I told her about a 5 or so. Another victory! At the beginning of session I told her a 2. That is the biggest jump up the scale I have ever had. Usually I don’t move up at all until later in the week.
Did I mention that God is so good?!
I can hardly believe just how much Jesus has changed my thoughts and feelings in this area. The memory is there, but the emotional intensity is gone, and the whole thing has sort of faded into the background, the color is washed out of the picture.
The healing that He has done in my life, in my heart, blows me away. Even though it is painful, it is so worth the pain of facing difficult memories, hurts, and situations to let Jesus into them. Let Him help you see things from His perspective. Let His healing love flow over it, and give you peace.
That is what He wants for all of us, we just have to let him do it.
Fighting Him just makes the pain worse. Stuffing it all down without working through it at all makes it worse. Worse is where the enemy wants us. He wants us limping, hobbling through life, wrapped in chains.
Then we will be so hampered by the lies we believe.
We will never step out and be the person God created us.
We will never take chances, follow where God is leading, especially when it seems to make no sense. We will never know the pure faith it takes to believe that He will do as He says He will do, because we will never experience Him intimately healing us. We will never fully trust God’s Word, because we will never see it worked out in our lives, tested in fires of trial, pain, difficulties.
There have been so many times where I have read over the promises of God, and never ever seen them. I have read them so often they became rote readings. Only in the last 2 years or so has God’s word become rich, alive, to me. Not since I was a new Christian have I gotten this much out of His word. He has opened my eyes to see how He is fulfilling promises He has made to me personally, and to all of us who believe. It is never in our time. It is always in His time. And whether we believe it or not, it is always for our good.
I pray that God will open your eyes, and hearts to see and perceive His word, His truth, and His active work in your life. I pray that He will do for you (and me) more than we could ever ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Amen.
When I got to Tricia’s office, she was walking out her office door as I was walking into the reception area. She greeted me and told me to go on back, and as I was getting settled, she walked in and said that she felt like she had been with me already the past five minutes. When I asked what she meant, she told me that she had been on my blog (!!!) and read my most recent post… which happened to be the one where I was asking you all for prayer for this particular session!
It was really neat because she had the background of the things I was dealing with, before I even came in, so I didn’t have to go over them too much with her, and I was blessed to know that when she had a little bit of free time (and she doesn’t have much of that!!!) she took the time to read what I had written.
As we talked about the parts of the attempted date rape that still really stood out at me, it created a lot anxiety, and made me start feeling sick to my stomach some. We started the EMDR therapy, and worked around the specific point that was so painfully vivid. That particular moment made me believe, and reinforced several lies:
I am trapped. I will never get away.
I am only good for sex.
I am damaged goods carried over from the last time too.
I can remember thinking at the time of the incident, that if this is what love is, then I don’t want any part of it. I can remember being in the session and feeling so scared and like I couldn’t breathe at all. Finally I think God broke through and I started to cry some. After some encouragement from Tricia (and prayers too I think) I was finally able to just let go and cry.
I sobbed. But I was finally able to mourn and really let the pain out as I did.
Tricia had me stop the therapy and I collected myself and tried to stop crying. Then she asked me to do something new. She asked me if I could take the memory of that incident, and the lies associated essentially, and make it something tangible.
I didn’t understand at first. She explained that she wanted me to imagine the incident, feelings, etc as something I could touch and see.. like before I saw a black box changed into a white gift box, the pain in my heart had become something tangible. So, once I understood what she meant, we started up the EMDR therapy again.
I know that God was facilitating all of this up to this point. I knew it was God who finally helped me break through the wall I had put up against the emotions and pain of that time. It was He who helped me finally cry and let out the pain.
But now it was almost visible. I got this image in my head. It may have come from reading through the “No other gods” study that I have been doing. But I think God used that example to help me visualize something tangible.
I saw Jesus handing me things out from under my bed. Lifting out the words, Dirty, Ashamed, Used, Damaged Goods, Trapped, Good for nothing but sex… all of it. I had to put those in a garbage can. Just get rid of all of them and move the can out to the street.
Only, I couldn’t move the can. It was too heavy, and I realized that I was never going to make it out to the street before the garbage truck came. I turned to Jesus, desperate, and He came and moved the can for me. I had my hand on it, but like a 4 year old without his parent helping, there was no way I could budge it or even guide it. Jesus helped me get it out to the street. Then He made me stand there, watch the truck pick up the can and empty it of all my junk, and drive it away. All I could do was cling to Jesus, feeling the stuff almost being pulled from me, off of me, out of me.
I remember crying. I don’t know whether it was out of relief, feeling lighter, or the pain of something that has been a part of me so long, finally leaving.
I was able to tell Tricia about it. I think I was still in shock. It’s taken a while to sink in. I am still letting it sink in and soak through me at how God worked things out for me to be able to let go the hold this situation had on me.
Tricia asked me to revisit the moment that had been so vivid, one more time. This time she wanted me to try to overlay the truths over the incident. The truths I want to become a part of me, even though this all happened to me:
I am free in Christ.
I am worthwhile.
And, in Him I am complete.
As I focused in on the moment that had so tortured me over the past weeks, and tried to think about the truths, I found it extremely hard to focus in on that memory. I found that my thoughts just kept jumping to my “safe place.” My safe place is a spot out on my in-laws farm, on a lake, under the trees, where I sat last fall, watching a blue heron in the water, hearing the wind in the trees, and the waves on the beach… resting in God’s presence. That is where my thoughts kept returning to every time I tried to focus on the attempted rape, with the positive thoughts.
All the while the words “free” and “worthy” were alternating with each other in my head.
When I told Tricia what had happened, it was a moment of victory. It meant I had finally made a break with this memory. Right then and there, she asked me on a scale of 1-7 (1 not at all, 7 totally know and believe it) how much I know and believe that I am free and worthwhile. I told her about a 5 or so. Another victory! At the beginning of session I told her a 2. That is the biggest jump up the scale I have ever had. Usually I don’t move up at all until later in the week.
Did I mention that God is so good?!
I can hardly believe just how much Jesus has changed my thoughts and feelings in this area. The memory is there, but the emotional intensity is gone, and the whole thing has sort of faded into the background, the color is washed out of the picture.
The healing that He has done in my life, in my heart, blows me away. Even though it is painful, it is so worth the pain of facing difficult memories, hurts, and situations to let Jesus into them. Let Him help you see things from His perspective. Let His healing love flow over it, and give you peace.
That is what He wants for all of us, we just have to let him do it.
Fighting Him just makes the pain worse. Stuffing it all down without working through it at all makes it worse. Worse is where the enemy wants us. He wants us limping, hobbling through life, wrapped in chains.
Then we will be so hampered by the lies we believe.
We will never step out and be the person God created us.
We will never take chances, follow where God is leading, especially when it seems to make no sense. We will never know the pure faith it takes to believe that He will do as He says He will do, because we will never experience Him intimately healing us. We will never fully trust God’s Word, because we will never see it worked out in our lives, tested in fires of trial, pain, difficulties.
There have been so many times where I have read over the promises of God, and never ever seen them. I have read them so often they became rote readings. Only in the last 2 years or so has God’s word become rich, alive, to me. Not since I was a new Christian have I gotten this much out of His word. He has opened my eyes to see how He is fulfilling promises He has made to me personally, and to all of us who believe. It is never in our time. It is always in His time. And whether we believe it or not, it is always for our good.
I pray that God will open your eyes, and hearts to see and perceive His word, His truth, and His active work in your life. I pray that He will do for you (and me) more than we could ever ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us. Amen.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Turmoil and encouragement... What's in a name #5
It’s been rather silent on my blog.
I have made some comments on others blogs. But here, I have been quiet.
I guess it is because, not that I don’t have things to say, I just don’t know how to say them.
My sleeping has been off. Very off.
I was up and down last night until almost 4am. The past few nights it hasn’t been any earlier than about 1:30am. It makes for a long week.
I also feel like I am fighting a cold. A cold aggravated by allergies. Not sleeping is NOT helping. I have been trying to keep from drugging myself up on medication to get to sleep. Because, I don’t know what is worse. Getting to sleep and then waking up midway through the night and not being able to settle down again, or never getting to sleep in the first place. I can’t decide.
But deeper than all that, my heart is in turmoil.
Sometimes it is a good turmoil because I know that God is authoring it. He is working through it and causing me to stretch and grow.
Sometimes it is a bad turmoil because I know the enemy is using pain from my past to work me up and work me over. He is using it to try to hold me captive to pain, fear, hurt, depression.
You see, I am coming to the point now in my counseling where I feel like we have really hit some of the biggest issues in my past and present that have been holding be back from being who God wants me to be. It is good. It is wonderful! I am slowly learning to counteract the lies with Truth, almost every time they come up. I am learning to recognize when I am acting out of the lies rather than the Truth. It has made a huge difference in my life.
I am also at the point with Tricia, in our counseling, where we are working through a couple of lies that are really holding me captive.
I am dirty.
I am damaged goods.
The truth is that in Him I have been made complete. (Colossians 2:9-10)
I am facing issues of abuse that happened between the end of high school and through college that really ground those lies into the fiber of my being.
These are lies that were put in place through an abusive trauma when I was very young. Then after high school, each subsequent event built upon those lies. “Proved” them true in my mind and heart, I guess.
Now, Tricia is trying to help me get to the point of believing that I am complete in Christ, even though those things happened to me. I have to be able to not only acknowledge it in my head, intellectually, but I need to believe it in my heart. I have to know and believe it is the truth.
It is extremely hard for me, when I feel in some of the situations, I asked for what I got. Not only am I feeling pain from the abuse, but I am also feeling guilty from “my part” in it. Whether I really had a part in “making” it happen is open to interpretation.
The thing we worked through 2 weeks ago, an attempted date rape, was something that I never really dealt with before this. Not on any deep level. I never cried, I never showed my anger, never showed any emotion at all, and didn’t tell ANYONE until a few years ago.
As I have gone through these two weeks between sessions, I have let the emotions out some. They have come unbidden once, the day after my last counseling session. Every time I have let them out, I find that the images of what happened are so vivid, that I am almost re-living what happened. So I ran from the situation as well as facing it some these weeks.
Some of the memory is easier now. I mean, I know it happened, but when I think of it, it isn’t in the same, with all the emotional power still behind it. So I know that our therapy is working. However, I still can’t shake the intensity of specific moments in the encounter.
So that shows me that I am going to need to work through that a bit more with Tricia on Monday. I guess that is where the enemy is really working me over. The thought of having to face down more of those details is causing my heart to roll in turmoil… and by association, my stomach as well. Sigh.
I guess why I am sharing so much of this here is two fold.
One, I am asking for prayer, from anyone who will read this.
I need prayer to get through tomorrow and actually go to counseling. (My appointment is at 1pm CST) I need prayer to face my intense fears, feelings, and memories. The more prayer cover I have, the better off I will be. I know that God has carried me through some other tough sessions on the wings of the prayer support I had. There have been a couple of times where I seriously felt lifted, held, supported, and had such peace knowing that people were praying… even when I was scared out of my mind of the things I was facing. And God answered the prayers of my friends, by working in amazing ways.
Two, I guess I am sharing with this much transparency, because I know there are others out there who have experienced similar things. Similar hurts and traumas. That others have believed the lies that they are dirty, damaged good, unusable by God.
I am writing this to tell you what I KNOW to be truth, what I am struggling to believe. I am not there. I am still on the journey. But I am working at it… even through the turmoil in my heart.
God loves us. God cherishes us. We are His beloved. No matter how dirty we feel, or guilty we feel, Jesus has washed us with His own scarred hands. He has draped us with a robe of white to cover our nakedness and guilt. He has gently looked into our eyes and, if we dare to look back, we will see nothing but love and acceptance.
In our dear Savior, “all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him [we] have been made complete, and He is head over all rule and authority.” (Col. 2:9-10, emphasis mine)
God fully lives in Jesus. Jesus is in the Father and the Father is in Him, and we are in Jesus and He is in us. We have been made complete, whole, undamaged and clean in Christ… and Christ is the head… the King over all rule and authority… He was raised far above all powers and principalities, the rulers of this dark world.
But the ruler of this world does not want us to know that.
He doesn’t want us to live in that truth, and so he uses any and all painful things in our lives to hold us captive. He knows that if we live in the truth, we will will proclaim our freedom to all those who will hear… just because of the overwhelming joy and thankfulness coming from our Savior rescuing us as He said He would. The enemy doesn’t want you, doesn’t want me, to find that freedom. He doesn’t want us to use our voices to help others.
He wants to keep us silent out of shame and fear.
That is why I am being transparent here.
I want you to know. I have walked in paths of pain and shame. Things I have done, and have had done to me wrap me in chains of lies that are so thick and tangled, I don’t know where to begin. But God does. He has untangled me from so many already. I can see the light. I am starting to be able to breathe again. I can feel the fresh air on my face and feel the warmth of the Son. There are still some very thick chains tangled around my legs. But I know that Jesus will break those chains too.
I want you to know you are not alone. There are others who know your pain. You don’t have to hide anymore. Come out into the light. Learn the names that God gives you. They are so much more powerful than the ones the enemy and world give you. Listen to God’s names for you, and one by one, you will feel the chains start to drop. Don’t give up until they are gone!
I encourage you with my whole heart… even through the pain I am facing this week… I know the pain of facing the lies is so worth the healing on the other side. The fear I feel is out weighed by my determination to get through this, to cooperate with Jesus in my healing. I refuse to let these chains suffocate me anymore.
Get angry, and let that righteous anger strengthen your resolve. Get mad at the enemy of your soul. Seek Jesus with all your heart and He will be found by you. Cooperate with Him in your healing. Do whatever it takes. Face whatever you have to. Join me in seeking freedom. It is a life long process, but it is so worth it.
I have seen the hope.
I have further to go.
But I have seen Hope and, oh He is so beautiful!
I have made some comments on others blogs. But here, I have been quiet.
I guess it is because, not that I don’t have things to say, I just don’t know how to say them.
My sleeping has been off. Very off.
I was up and down last night until almost 4am. The past few nights it hasn’t been any earlier than about 1:30am. It makes for a long week.
I also feel like I am fighting a cold. A cold aggravated by allergies. Not sleeping is NOT helping. I have been trying to keep from drugging myself up on medication to get to sleep. Because, I don’t know what is worse. Getting to sleep and then waking up midway through the night and not being able to settle down again, or never getting to sleep in the first place. I can’t decide.
But deeper than all that, my heart is in turmoil.
Sometimes it is a good turmoil because I know that God is authoring it. He is working through it and causing me to stretch and grow.
Sometimes it is a bad turmoil because I know the enemy is using pain from my past to work me up and work me over. He is using it to try to hold me captive to pain, fear, hurt, depression.
You see, I am coming to the point now in my counseling where I feel like we have really hit some of the biggest issues in my past and present that have been holding be back from being who God wants me to be. It is good. It is wonderful! I am slowly learning to counteract the lies with Truth, almost every time they come up. I am learning to recognize when I am acting out of the lies rather than the Truth. It has made a huge difference in my life.
I am also at the point with Tricia, in our counseling, where we are working through a couple of lies that are really holding me captive.
I am dirty.
I am damaged goods.
The truth is that in Him I have been made complete. (Colossians 2:9-10)
I am facing issues of abuse that happened between the end of high school and through college that really ground those lies into the fiber of my being.
These are lies that were put in place through an abusive trauma when I was very young. Then after high school, each subsequent event built upon those lies. “Proved” them true in my mind and heart, I guess.
Now, Tricia is trying to help me get to the point of believing that I am complete in Christ, even though those things happened to me. I have to be able to not only acknowledge it in my head, intellectually, but I need to believe it in my heart. I have to know and believe it is the truth.
It is extremely hard for me, when I feel in some of the situations, I asked for what I got. Not only am I feeling pain from the abuse, but I am also feeling guilty from “my part” in it. Whether I really had a part in “making” it happen is open to interpretation.
The thing we worked through 2 weeks ago, an attempted date rape, was something that I never really dealt with before this. Not on any deep level. I never cried, I never showed my anger, never showed any emotion at all, and didn’t tell ANYONE until a few years ago.
As I have gone through these two weeks between sessions, I have let the emotions out some. They have come unbidden once, the day after my last counseling session. Every time I have let them out, I find that the images of what happened are so vivid, that I am almost re-living what happened. So I ran from the situation as well as facing it some these weeks.
Some of the memory is easier now. I mean, I know it happened, but when I think of it, it isn’t in the same, with all the emotional power still behind it. So I know that our therapy is working. However, I still can’t shake the intensity of specific moments in the encounter.
So that shows me that I am going to need to work through that a bit more with Tricia on Monday. I guess that is where the enemy is really working me over. The thought of having to face down more of those details is causing my heart to roll in turmoil… and by association, my stomach as well. Sigh.
I guess why I am sharing so much of this here is two fold.
One, I am asking for prayer, from anyone who will read this.
I need prayer to get through tomorrow and actually go to counseling. (My appointment is at 1pm CST) I need prayer to face my intense fears, feelings, and memories. The more prayer cover I have, the better off I will be. I know that God has carried me through some other tough sessions on the wings of the prayer support I had. There have been a couple of times where I seriously felt lifted, held, supported, and had such peace knowing that people were praying… even when I was scared out of my mind of the things I was facing. And God answered the prayers of my friends, by working in amazing ways.
Two, I guess I am sharing with this much transparency, because I know there are others out there who have experienced similar things. Similar hurts and traumas. That others have believed the lies that they are dirty, damaged good, unusable by God.
I am writing this to tell you what I KNOW to be truth, what I am struggling to believe. I am not there. I am still on the journey. But I am working at it… even through the turmoil in my heart.
God loves us. God cherishes us. We are His beloved. No matter how dirty we feel, or guilty we feel, Jesus has washed us with His own scarred hands. He has draped us with a robe of white to cover our nakedness and guilt. He has gently looked into our eyes and, if we dare to look back, we will see nothing but love and acceptance.
In our dear Savior, “all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him [we] have been made complete, and He is head over all rule and authority.” (Col. 2:9-10, emphasis mine)
God fully lives in Jesus. Jesus is in the Father and the Father is in Him, and we are in Jesus and He is in us. We have been made complete, whole, undamaged and clean in Christ… and Christ is the head… the King over all rule and authority… He was raised far above all powers and principalities, the rulers of this dark world.
But the ruler of this world does not want us to know that.
He doesn’t want us to live in that truth, and so he uses any and all painful things in our lives to hold us captive. He knows that if we live in the truth, we will will proclaim our freedom to all those who will hear… just because of the overwhelming joy and thankfulness coming from our Savior rescuing us as He said He would. The enemy doesn’t want you, doesn’t want me, to find that freedom. He doesn’t want us to use our voices to help others.
He wants to keep us silent out of shame and fear.
That is why I am being transparent here.
I want you to know. I have walked in paths of pain and shame. Things I have done, and have had done to me wrap me in chains of lies that are so thick and tangled, I don’t know where to begin. But God does. He has untangled me from so many already. I can see the light. I am starting to be able to breathe again. I can feel the fresh air on my face and feel the warmth of the Son. There are still some very thick chains tangled around my legs. But I know that Jesus will break those chains too.
I want you to know you are not alone. There are others who know your pain. You don’t have to hide anymore. Come out into the light. Learn the names that God gives you. They are so much more powerful than the ones the enemy and world give you. Listen to God’s names for you, and one by one, you will feel the chains start to drop. Don’t give up until they are gone!
I encourage you with my whole heart… even through the pain I am facing this week… I know the pain of facing the lies is so worth the healing on the other side. The fear I feel is out weighed by my determination to get through this, to cooperate with Jesus in my healing. I refuse to let these chains suffocate me anymore.
Get angry, and let that righteous anger strengthen your resolve. Get mad at the enemy of your soul. Seek Jesus with all your heart and He will be found by you. Cooperate with Him in your healing. Do whatever it takes. Face whatever you have to. Join me in seeking freedom. It is a life long process, but it is so worth it.
I have seen the hope.
I have further to go.
But I have seen Hope and, oh He is so beautiful!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Fear not... What's in a name #2
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are Mine.”
How many times fear has ruled my life! I can’t begin to tell you. I never realized until recently that all the feelings that I was having as I grew up, and as I went through public school and then college was anxiety. I never realized that the knot in my stomach, the shaking, the pounding heart, and inability to concentrate, the overwhelming need to run away, was a panic attack. I never realized that the bouts I had with sadness and the feelings of tears that I stuffed down, the thoughts that no one would miss me if I just disappeared for a while, was depression. I didn’t have a name for it. I never had. Until recently.
When I married my husband, we searched until we found a church that we both liked, where we were comfortable, where we were welcomed and encouraged in our walks with God. Through a series of “coincidences,” God brought us together with a couple who formed a small group that met in our house. Our group swelled and ebbed as we went through life, and as people came and went, but the core group stayed the same. And we got close. Very close. We became a family in every sense of the word. We loved each other, started to learn what it meant to bear each other’s burdens and lift each other up and encourage one another. We also had fun together, laughed and played together, and worshipped our God together.
Through the first 3 years that we knew the founding couple of our group, our family, I was afraid. I was afraid that as they came into my home for a meal, I would be found lacking. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good hostess. I was particularly nervous because my husband does shift work at the hospital in town, and is unable to be with us some weeks, and so there were times I had to host alone.
Slowly, as I grew to know the group, I began to trust them. It took me a long time to trust them enough to start sharing prayer requests and things going on in my life that were more than surface. I was afraid of what they would think of me. For me the real breakthrough started to happen when we had been together as a group for about a year, maybe a bit more. I was able to start sharing a little bit about my past with my family, and some of the pain that I was carrying, some of the bitterness there.
When my son was about 18 months old, I started longing for another baby. Nothing we did seemed to work, and I was afraid that it would never happen. One night we were meeting at another couples house, and as it came time for prayer requests, I started to cry. I finally was able to express to them my desire, and some of the depression and mood swings I was going through, and how much I was hurting and longing inside.
With that, they prayed for me. They poured out their hearts before God, truly bringing me before the throne of grace. They prayed expectantly, hopefully, expecting God to answer them. I never knew of any one, or any group of people so willing to pour themselves into me, and into prayer for me. I had never experienced such family, such love.
Slowly through that group, God started to thaw my heart. He started to work on me, and show me how much I meant to him, by using those people. And the negative thoughts increased. The lies I had believed for so long seemed to become more entrenched in me. Maybe it was because the enemy saw that God was using these people to start to break the chains that bound me. Maybe it was because my fear took over. Maybe it was a combination of the two. I was afraid that this family would be taken away. I was afraid that I would be abandoned by these friends, this family, as I had been by others.
Now our family group is working on our 5th year together as I write this. We have been through many ups and downs. They have weathered some major storms with me. We are preparing to weather some major storms with another couple in our group. We have rejoiced to see someone in our family come to Christ. I have finally come to trust them. I find myself many times struggling against those other voices. I still hear the negative thoughts. I still see the bad things that have happened to me, or the bad things that I did, or the ways I backed out of some things, and pressed on in others, and I hear those names over and over.
And I find myself afraid. Even though I have a close family group, sometimes I go there feeling afraid to let them know how I am really doing, good or bad.
Other times, I am able to start seeing God’s light at the end of the tunnel. God is healing me. God is working in my life. Slowly he is building a testimony into my life of redemption, of calling, of hope, of joy. Such joy as I have never known. It isn’t always felt and known deeply in my heart, but it is there bubbling out of a small spring planted in me a long time ago. Sometimes it is faint and just barely a trickle. Other times it is an overwhelming flood, to the point where all I can do is get on my knees and cry before God with such immense thankfulness.
How many times fear has ruled my life! I can’t begin to tell you. I never realized until recently that all the feelings that I was having as I grew up, and as I went through public school and then college was anxiety. I never realized that the knot in my stomach, the shaking, the pounding heart, and inability to concentrate, the overwhelming need to run away, was a panic attack. I never realized that the bouts I had with sadness and the feelings of tears that I stuffed down, the thoughts that no one would miss me if I just disappeared for a while, was depression. I didn’t have a name for it. I never had. Until recently.
When I married my husband, we searched until we found a church that we both liked, where we were comfortable, where we were welcomed and encouraged in our walks with God. Through a series of “coincidences,” God brought us together with a couple who formed a small group that met in our house. Our group swelled and ebbed as we went through life, and as people came and went, but the core group stayed the same. And we got close. Very close. We became a family in every sense of the word. We loved each other, started to learn what it meant to bear each other’s burdens and lift each other up and encourage one another. We also had fun together, laughed and played together, and worshipped our God together.
Through the first 3 years that we knew the founding couple of our group, our family, I was afraid. I was afraid that as they came into my home for a meal, I would be found lacking. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good hostess. I was particularly nervous because my husband does shift work at the hospital in town, and is unable to be with us some weeks, and so there were times I had to host alone.
Slowly, as I grew to know the group, I began to trust them. It took me a long time to trust them enough to start sharing prayer requests and things going on in my life that were more than surface. I was afraid of what they would think of me. For me the real breakthrough started to happen when we had been together as a group for about a year, maybe a bit more. I was able to start sharing a little bit about my past with my family, and some of the pain that I was carrying, some of the bitterness there.
When my son was about 18 months old, I started longing for another baby. Nothing we did seemed to work, and I was afraid that it would never happen. One night we were meeting at another couples house, and as it came time for prayer requests, I started to cry. I finally was able to express to them my desire, and some of the depression and mood swings I was going through, and how much I was hurting and longing inside.
With that, they prayed for me. They poured out their hearts before God, truly bringing me before the throne of grace. They prayed expectantly, hopefully, expecting God to answer them. I never knew of any one, or any group of people so willing to pour themselves into me, and into prayer for me. I had never experienced such family, such love.
Slowly through that group, God started to thaw my heart. He started to work on me, and show me how much I meant to him, by using those people. And the negative thoughts increased. The lies I had believed for so long seemed to become more entrenched in me. Maybe it was because the enemy saw that God was using these people to start to break the chains that bound me. Maybe it was because my fear took over. Maybe it was a combination of the two. I was afraid that this family would be taken away. I was afraid that I would be abandoned by these friends, this family, as I had been by others.
Now our family group is working on our 5th year together as I write this. We have been through many ups and downs. They have weathered some major storms with me. We are preparing to weather some major storms with another couple in our group. We have rejoiced to see someone in our family come to Christ. I have finally come to trust them. I find myself many times struggling against those other voices. I still hear the negative thoughts. I still see the bad things that have happened to me, or the bad things that I did, or the ways I backed out of some things, and pressed on in others, and I hear those names over and over.
And I find myself afraid. Even though I have a close family group, sometimes I go there feeling afraid to let them know how I am really doing, good or bad.
Other times, I am able to start seeing God’s light at the end of the tunnel. God is healing me. God is working in my life. Slowly he is building a testimony into my life of redemption, of calling, of hope, of joy. Such joy as I have never known. It isn’t always felt and known deeply in my heart, but it is there bubbling out of a small spring planted in me a long time ago. Sometimes it is faint and just barely a trickle. Other times it is an overwhelming flood, to the point where all I can do is get on my knees and cry before God with such immense thankfulness.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Psalm 118...
“In my anguish, I cried to the Lord
and He answered by setting me free.
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?” Psalm 118:5-6
I ran across this verse in a bible study I have been doing. I am doing the study through the LPM Blog, and encouragement from Beth Moore there. The bible study pointed me only to verse 6. The study was talking about fear, and how fear can bind us to things that become our idols.
Here is an example from the bible study:
“I have always been afraid of being abandoned… I carried this fear of being left alone into my adulthood. If I’m not diligently guarding against it, I can allow others to control me because of my fear that if I don’t do what they want, I will lose them and ultimately be left alone… Whatever we fear is our god. Fear itself is not the god; the object of our fear is the god.” Kelly Minter, “Living Room Series: No Other Gods,” pg. 49
Kelly Minter gave us numerous verses to look up that talked about fear, relating to many different things. So as I looked up Ps. 118:6, I backed up to read it in context with a couple of the verses around it.
I realized that God has heard my cries coming out of my anguish and pain for years… and He answered me by setting me free. I used to think that freedom was a “one time” thing. I thought, once I started hearing more about freedom in Christ, freedom from my past, that I could do “one thing” and then I would be free from the depression and other things that plagued me for years.
I now realize that freedom is a bit more of a process. A friend of mine, who started me on this road to freedom, once said that the process of working on our freedom, and dealing with our past, is like peeling an onion. We spend some time on the surface stuff, and clear that out of the way. Then, once that layer is peeled away, we realize there is more under there to work on… we work through that layer, to reveal another… and so on.
So God is answering by setting me free.
And He is with me. That is really key for me. See, I fight with fear of being left alone alone too.. the fear of being abandoned. But that fear is binding me to a slightly different god. I end up fighting with a desire to get attention. Doing things, whether that is using my God-given talents or using my fight with depression, to get attention from others. So, my fear of being abandoned really leads me to be constantly asking myself, “What do others think of me? Oh, that was a really dumb thing to say! Do they still like me? Are they going to stick by me? Maybe I am too much of a drain on them…” and on it goes.
So, the reminder that God is with me is really important. No matter what goes on in my life, what friends move in and out, God is the constant. And I have a choice. “I will not be afraid.” That is a choice that is up to me. Sometimes it is daily, sometimes it is hourly, that I have to make a choice to not be afraid and to remember that God is with me.
No matter what people might do to me, God is with me and I need not be afraid.
I see this idol of others opinions of me carry over into every relationship I have. Seriously, with my husband, my friends, my family and in-laws, people at church, it doesn’t matter. I have, for years, twisted myself in knots trying to please people around me so that I wouldn’t be abandoned, and so that I would get the attention I craved.
It embarrasses me to even say that here. But, I suppose God is working with me through this, so that I can become more “me” with everyone. He wants to be the only one in my life. He wants to be the only God in my life, and the only One I turn to. When I try to satisfy my other gods, I end up finding out that no matter what I do, I can’t. Their hunger is never ending, and no matter the “sacrifices” I make to them, it will never be enough… there is always that critical voice saying that I didn’t do enough, or said too much, or whatever the case might be.
I think that without this study for the summer, I wouldn’t have faced this issue for a while. Now I will be hitting these idols in my life specifically this summer.
So, here’s a question for anyone reading this. What are things that are idols in your life? Is it opinions of others, TV, busyness, computer? There are so many things that can take the place of God in our lives. God calls us to be a peculiar people, set apart for Him. How can we be set apart and peculiar, and identified by our distinctive differences if we have the same idols in our lives just like everyone else around us?
These are ways that God has set us apart from the world. Ways He has said we are a peculiar people.
PECULIAR
Purchased
Empowered
Called
Unashamed
Loved
Indwelt
Accepted
Redeemed
By, Heather Kudla, July 2008
Can we live in these truths? Can I? If I am to let God be God in my life, I need to.
“Don’t be afraid, just believe.” Mark 5:36
Thursday, June 26, 2008
What IS your name? What's in a name #1
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.” Isaiah 43:1
What are the names that God has called me? What are the names that God has called you?
So many times, we answer the question of “What’s your name?” by our name given to us by our parents. “My name is Heather,” “My name is _______.”
Internally, our answer can be much different. If we really listen to the voice in our head that comes out late at night, we hear other names that we have heard time and time again.
Those names have been given to us by parents, teachers, friends, classmates, and co-workers, among others.
Those names have been given to us by the circumstances we have found ourselves in, whether through neglect, abuse, lack of love or attention, times where people have sinned against us, or we have done things through our own free choices.
Those situations create and emphasize any thoughts about ourselves that have been negative in any way. What we perceive as our own voice in our head, continually takes anything we go, and accuses us of being those names that we have been given in the past.
So, what’s in a name?
Do you hear names of loved, secure, faithful, blessed, redeemed, chosen, wanted, valuable, precious, beloved, healed, whole, forgiven, released, free, significant, talented?
Or do you hear the names of worthless, unforgivable, careless, irresponsible, stupid, dork, nerd, freak of nature, clumsy, inept, never going to amount to anything, sick, twisted, damaged goods?
I can tell you I have heard my share of all the negative names. Most of the ones I listed above. They have come from sexual and emotional abuse, from attitudes of family members, peers in school, teachers, even co-workers and my friends. Some of it was unintentional for sure. Other names were given with every intention of hurting me and pushing me down, squashing me.
In recent years, as I have started growing and learning about a deeper heart journey that God is calling me to, Jesus has shown me the lies I have believed about myself. Lies planted there through specific incidents in my life, lies embedded by well meaning family, friends and teachers. Each time I encountered an experience where I was uncertain, where I felt a little bit insecure, every mistake I made was pounced on by the one who wants to keep me from being whole and complete in Christ. If the enemy of our souls can keep us from being who God created us to be, he can win a battle in the war against God that is raging in the heavenlies.
For that is what is going on all around us. A battle first, to keep us from coming to know Christ in an intimate and personal way, and then if we do end up becoming God’s, to keep us ineffective, bullied and pressed to the ground by all the weight of our baggage from our lives. We can’t see this battle with our physical eyes, but we sure can feel it in our hearts and minds.
How many times have you woken in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep. You feel like you have had a bad dream, but it continues once you are sure you are wide awake. In your head you hear the whispers accusing you for the mistakes you made that day. Yelling at the kids, losing patience with your family, giving a cold shoulder to your spouse.
“Why, this makes you a horrible person! Why can’t you pull yourself together and be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect friend? Look at all the people you have promised to pray for. You haven’t prayed for one of them have you? Look how you promised to spend time with God every morning, and yet you are neglecting him, and getting distracted by all the things going on around you. You wake up and have to start running with the kids right away. You should have gone to bed earlier so that you could get up before your family, and spend time with God, but you didn’t. You didn’t even bother to look at your bible today…”
And on and on the list of accusations go.
Sometimes the accusations escalate if you can’t get back to sleep. They go from whispering in your ear, to yelling in your head. Bringing up scenes from your past, you find yourself lamenting your choices, grieving yet again over the things you couldn’t prevent from happening. You wonder if you could have done something different. You wonder if you really did deserve all the things that were pushed on you, when you were too young to do anything about them.
Then you finally manage to fall back asleep, by whatever means you can. You take some medication, make yourself a drink, read till you collapse, stare at the TV till your eyes are blurry, or escape into a fantasy life where things are perfect and you can pretend at least for a while that you are loved and significant to at least one person in your life.
I know that I have done all of these things. I know that in the middle of the night, even now as I write this, I wonder if I really am doing the right thing. Am I really supposed to be writing at all? Who would want to listen to my story, hear what I might have to say? So many others have written about similar things, what new ideas could I possible add to the mix?
But I look at a list of names that God has called me. I found it on the Internet on a blog site (HERE) I frequent. I printed it out and posted it above my desk. And there, staring me in the face was the verse from Isaiah, chapter 43.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.”
I think this has become a life verse for me. It is something that I desperately need to remember. No matter what the circumstances that come my way, no matter the barbs people throw at me, no matter how discouraged or low I feel… I am His! He is mine! He knows my name, he has called me by my name, and he has redeemed my life from the pit.
——-
I think that this may end up becoming a bit of a series, much like my friend Amy has a series called Hope Chronicles on her blog.
I have started to realize how important names are. How many names do I call myself during the day. Just by marriage and occupation alone I am called wife and mother, also, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, etc. But as I said above, there is so much more going on. I only hope that as I explore some of the things that God has been teaching me, He will use my words to help show you the names He has called you, to replace the ones given to you by others.
What are the names that God has called me? What are the names that God has called you?
So many times, we answer the question of “What’s your name?” by our name given to us by our parents. “My name is Heather,” “My name is _______.”
Internally, our answer can be much different. If we really listen to the voice in our head that comes out late at night, we hear other names that we have heard time and time again.
Those names have been given to us by parents, teachers, friends, classmates, and co-workers, among others.
Those names have been given to us by the circumstances we have found ourselves in, whether through neglect, abuse, lack of love or attention, times where people have sinned against us, or we have done things through our own free choices.
Those situations create and emphasize any thoughts about ourselves that have been negative in any way. What we perceive as our own voice in our head, continually takes anything we go, and accuses us of being those names that we have been given in the past.
So, what’s in a name?
Do you hear names of loved, secure, faithful, blessed, redeemed, chosen, wanted, valuable, precious, beloved, healed, whole, forgiven, released, free, significant, talented?
Or do you hear the names of worthless, unforgivable, careless, irresponsible, stupid, dork, nerd, freak of nature, clumsy, inept, never going to amount to anything, sick, twisted, damaged goods?
I can tell you I have heard my share of all the negative names. Most of the ones I listed above. They have come from sexual and emotional abuse, from attitudes of family members, peers in school, teachers, even co-workers and my friends. Some of it was unintentional for sure. Other names were given with every intention of hurting me and pushing me down, squashing me.
In recent years, as I have started growing and learning about a deeper heart journey that God is calling me to, Jesus has shown me the lies I have believed about myself. Lies planted there through specific incidents in my life, lies embedded by well meaning family, friends and teachers. Each time I encountered an experience where I was uncertain, where I felt a little bit insecure, every mistake I made was pounced on by the one who wants to keep me from being whole and complete in Christ. If the enemy of our souls can keep us from being who God created us to be, he can win a battle in the war against God that is raging in the heavenlies.
For that is what is going on all around us. A battle first, to keep us from coming to know Christ in an intimate and personal way, and then if we do end up becoming God’s, to keep us ineffective, bullied and pressed to the ground by all the weight of our baggage from our lives. We can’t see this battle with our physical eyes, but we sure can feel it in our hearts and minds.
How many times have you woken in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep. You feel like you have had a bad dream, but it continues once you are sure you are wide awake. In your head you hear the whispers accusing you for the mistakes you made that day. Yelling at the kids, losing patience with your family, giving a cold shoulder to your spouse.
“Why, this makes you a horrible person! Why can’t you pull yourself together and be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect friend? Look at all the people you have promised to pray for. You haven’t prayed for one of them have you? Look how you promised to spend time with God every morning, and yet you are neglecting him, and getting distracted by all the things going on around you. You wake up and have to start running with the kids right away. You should have gone to bed earlier so that you could get up before your family, and spend time with God, but you didn’t. You didn’t even bother to look at your bible today…”
And on and on the list of accusations go.
Sometimes the accusations escalate if you can’t get back to sleep. They go from whispering in your ear, to yelling in your head. Bringing up scenes from your past, you find yourself lamenting your choices, grieving yet again over the things you couldn’t prevent from happening. You wonder if you could have done something different. You wonder if you really did deserve all the things that were pushed on you, when you were too young to do anything about them.
Then you finally manage to fall back asleep, by whatever means you can. You take some medication, make yourself a drink, read till you collapse, stare at the TV till your eyes are blurry, or escape into a fantasy life where things are perfect and you can pretend at least for a while that you are loved and significant to at least one person in your life.
I know that I have done all of these things. I know that in the middle of the night, even now as I write this, I wonder if I really am doing the right thing. Am I really supposed to be writing at all? Who would want to listen to my story, hear what I might have to say? So many others have written about similar things, what new ideas could I possible add to the mix?
But I look at a list of names that God has called me. I found it on the Internet on a blog site (HERE) I frequent. I printed it out and posted it above my desk. And there, staring me in the face was the verse from Isaiah, chapter 43.
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.”
I think this has become a life verse for me. It is something that I desperately need to remember. No matter what the circumstances that come my way, no matter the barbs people throw at me, no matter how discouraged or low I feel… I am His! He is mine! He knows my name, he has called me by my name, and he has redeemed my life from the pit.
——-
I think that this may end up becoming a bit of a series, much like my friend Amy has a series called Hope Chronicles on her blog.
I have started to realize how important names are. How many names do I call myself during the day. Just by marriage and occupation alone I am called wife and mother, also, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, etc. But as I said above, there is so much more going on. I only hope that as I explore some of the things that God has been teaching me, He will use my words to help show you the names He has called you, to replace the ones given to you by others.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
A poem...
If you haven’t read my previous post, “Revelation, Transformation, FREEDOM!!!” read that post before you read this one. Trust me, it will make so much more sense!
My dear friend Cindy, after hearing only part of my story, left my house yesterday, and drove home, crying all the way. Out of joy at what God did for me. (Praise God for such a friend and sister to walk along this path with!) When she got home, she told me that God just gave her the following poem, for me.
I was so blessed that I felt I needed to share it with my “blogging” friends as well. It is amazing how our God works, isn’t it?
Enjoy… and I love you all… thank you again for everyone who prayed me through this! Continue praying, I know the enemy doesn’t want this victory to last! I am choosing to stand firm, and not let myself be burdened again by the yoke of slavery! (Galatians 5:1, paraphrased)
My dear friend Cindy, after hearing only part of my story, left my house yesterday, and drove home, crying all the way. Out of joy at what God did for me. (Praise God for such a friend and sister to walk along this path with!) When she got home, she told me that God just gave her the following poem, for me.
I was so blessed that I felt I needed to share it with my “blogging” friends as well. It is amazing how our God works, isn’t it?
Enjoy… and I love you all… thank you again for everyone who prayed me through this! Continue praying, I know the enemy doesn’t want this victory to last! I am choosing to stand firm, and not let myself be burdened again by the yoke of slavery! (Galatians 5:1, paraphrased)
Poem for Heather
The peace God gives is priceless
but there is one who lies.
And tries to keep God’s peace concealed
through deception and disguise.
The oozing nasty scary box
was one such vile disguise.
To keep me from what God had planned,
if I’d just look inside.
Today I sat upon His lap
encompassed by His love.
He wondrously transformed the box
to white just like a dove.
The box was tied with ribbon
crimson like His blood.
A sense of peace poured over me
like waters from a flood.
His hands of grace
enabled mine to open up the prize.
I looked inside that gift box
and had a huge surprise.
Inside there lay my wounded heart
with holes and rips and tatters.
And with His Hands, God took my heart,
to Him my healing matters.
He knows what put the tatters there
and He can heal them all.
He’ll be with me till all is healed,
yes all, both large and small.
Cindy Beecher; March 26, 2008
The peace God gives is priceless
but there is one who lies.
And tries to keep God’s peace concealed
through deception and disguise.
The oozing nasty scary box
was one such vile disguise.
To keep me from what God had planned,
if I’d just look inside.
Today I sat upon His lap
encompassed by His love.
He wondrously transformed the box
to white just like a dove.
The box was tied with ribbon
crimson like His blood.
A sense of peace poured over me
like waters from a flood.
His hands of grace
enabled mine to open up the prize.
I looked inside that gift box
and had a huge surprise.
Inside there lay my wounded heart
with holes and rips and tatters.
And with His Hands, God took my heart,
to Him my healing matters.
He knows what put the tatters there
and He can heal them all.
He’ll be with me till all is healed,
yes all, both large and small.
Cindy Beecher; March 26, 2008
Monday, February 11, 2008
Psalm 139...
Well, here it is. My counselor wanted me to read Psalm 139. My husband suggested writing it on my blog, not just doing a copy and paste, but to actually write it out “manually” so to speak. I wanted to memorize it so that it would be easier to meditate on, and really hang onto the verses. This is a combo of all three. I read it, I memorized it, and now I am posting it… from memory, no helps. I already wrote it out in my handwritten journal, now here it is for my blog. I hope it means as much for you as it has for me… now to only believe it and truly internalize it!
Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise,
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
you know it completely, oh God.
You hem me in - behind and before,
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise up on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea;
Even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
the light become night around me,”
even darkness will not be dark to you,
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being.
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, Oh Lord!
How vast the sum of them.
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, oh God.
Away from me you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent.
Your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, oh Lord,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them,
I count them my enemies.
Search me, oh God, and know my heart.
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
You know when I sit and when I rise,
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
you know it completely, oh God.
You hem me in - behind and before,
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise up on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea;
Even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
the light become night around me,”
even darkness will not be dark to you,
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being.
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, Oh Lord!
How vast the sum of them.
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, oh God.
Away from me you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent.
Your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, oh Lord,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them,
I count them my enemies.
Search me, oh God, and know my heart.
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Ode to the Kudla Koff...
I thought everyone would get a kick out of this. This was written by our teenage neighbor. Our house has been kicking around a cold for the last few months, and because he comes over often, he has gotten it, and been out of school for most of the week. This was his ode to the cold… promted by being bored out of his gourd, and he said it might have something to do with the 4000psi of pressure in his head, and the sense of a big fat guy sitting on his chest… Enjoy….
i’ve kought the kudla koff
and i really must protest
to the big ole fat guy,
that i feel sitting on my chest
i’ve kought the kudla koff
and though its gotten my pathetic buns,
out of their seat in school;
i really dont like to cough.
eeeeww i just started to drool.
i’ve kought the kudla koff
and though its given me ample time
to make a rhyme or limerick
i really do not like it
because it makes my lungs go: “ka-jiberick”
I’ve kought the kudla koff…..
wait wait wait. hold it right there
“who are you”
i’m the technicality inspector. there’s been a code violation
“…huh”
yes. it seems that its not actually the Kudla Koff any more. it’s been mutating in your body, such as it is, enough so that it cant be called the Kudla Koff anymore.
“well what am i supposed to call it then? the partially mutated bacterium previously known as the Kudla Koff…”
i’m not the poetic one here. i’m just doing my job
“fine then…”
—-minutes later—
I’ve got the bad blount boogies
and i really do not like them
they make me feel all icky
and then i cough up phlegm
its me again
“What? for the love of sweet swiss cheese what do you want now?!?”
well are you really going to say that? thats just nasty…
“you know what, fine. YOU try writing with a head cold and making it rhyme!!!”
—storms off in a huff—
… hey, come back? aren’t you going to finish it?
**Courtesy of Matt Blount, our teenage neighbor kid…. (a.k.a. our “other son”)
i’ve kought the kudla koff
and i really must protest
to the big ole fat guy,
that i feel sitting on my chest
i’ve kought the kudla koff
and though its gotten my pathetic buns,
out of their seat in school;
i really dont like to cough.
eeeeww i just started to drool.
i’ve kought the kudla koff
and though its given me ample time
to make a rhyme or limerick
i really do not like it
because it makes my lungs go: “ka-jiberick”
I’ve kought the kudla koff…..
wait wait wait. hold it right there
“who are you”
i’m the technicality inspector. there’s been a code violation
“…huh”
yes. it seems that its not actually the Kudla Koff any more. it’s been mutating in your body, such as it is, enough so that it cant be called the Kudla Koff anymore.
“well what am i supposed to call it then? the partially mutated bacterium previously known as the Kudla Koff…”
i’m not the poetic one here. i’m just doing my job
“fine then…”
—-minutes later—
I’ve got the bad blount boogies
and i really do not like them
they make me feel all icky
and then i cough up phlegm
its me again
“What? for the love of sweet swiss cheese what do you want now?!?”
well are you really going to say that? thats just nasty…
“you know what, fine. YOU try writing with a head cold and making it rhyme!!!”
—storms off in a huff—
… hey, come back? aren’t you going to finish it?
**Courtesy of Matt Blount, our teenage neighbor kid…. (a.k.a. our “other son”)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
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