Themes coming back....

I remember writing back several posts ago how I felt that God was giving me the theme of faith and hope.

Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God.  All about having a forward moving, active faith.

At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team.  On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.

I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.  All about faith.

Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.

Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day.  I had a 90 minute session with Tricia.  We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college.  It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again.  Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done.  Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.

I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little.  I also have been sleeping very little.  So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe.  And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step.  It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you."  I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.

As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home.  I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap.  I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide.  She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep.  So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom.  I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.

I slept.  I actually slept.  I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy.  She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped.  She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.

Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop.  I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go).  I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while.  She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.

But I had a rough afternoon.  Just got side-swiped by some things.  I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them.  I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty.  My poor husband had no idea what to do with me.  That's ok, neither did I.

That brings me back to this morning.  I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study.  I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday.  Before I started though, I talked to God about my week.  I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any.  I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22).  When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.

Get this one:

"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."

Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation

I mean, really?  There is a God thing for sure.  He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him.  I saw answered prayer.  That in itself is a shot of hope.

I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have.  I need to see God's promises to me.  I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy.  I don't say that lightly.  I need the hope or I sink into despair.  But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope.  This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward.  I don't know how.  It's only God.

I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals.  That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly.  I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure.  I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not.  I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process.  I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there.  But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going.  Things that are reminders.  Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration.  (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)

My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.

In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!

Oh Lord, help me.  I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!!  Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak.  Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.

Letting go... surrender

How do I write out what's in my heart when I don't know what's there?

How do I try to express myself, when I feel numb?

How do I take care of myself the way I am supposed to?

I don't want to eat.

I'm afraid to sleep cause of the bad dreams.

My stomach flips and flops at the thought of food.

I struggle with having to take the meds I need.

I don't want to take them.

Obviously I am not doing well today.

I actually am better than yesterday.  Sunday evening I cried till I was nearly sick.  Then calmed down a bit and did some writing in my journal. Then cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday I got to work, sat in the sanctuary for a bit and tried to pray, and just sobbed some more.

Today.  No tears.  Nothing.  I feel flat.  Maybe that is a good thing.

I have to go see Tricia on Thursday afternoon for my appointment with her.  I just am, well scared to go I guess.  Because I don't want to face the junk that is there from that letter I wrote.

I keep on reading today things that talk about how only God can fill our empty places.  How we need to let go of control of things, because God has it all already.  How it's through the hardest times that the most worthwhile things come.

I know all that in my head.  My heart doesn't get it.  Maybe I do believe that God should punish me for all that I did wrong.  I think I do believe that I deserved what I got, and that I don't deserve any better.

I should get mad at the enemy for using something so awful like that to affect me for so long.  But in reality, all I have been able to do is get mad at myself and beat myself up more. 

A friend asked me, what am I running from?  Why am I trying to sabotage myself by not doing my part in caring for myself until my appointment?  She said that maybe that would be something to focus on until the appointment rather than what is coming.

The problem with that is, I think I am running from God because I know He is going to "make" me face what I don't want to.  (Not that He will force me to, but once I get into Tricia's office, I know I am going to go ahead with it, because that's who I am and how I'm wired)  I don't want to face the lies... because seeing the truth up next to them is so extremely painful.

How can the truth be so painful?
Or is that just a perspective thing?
Probably the lie is what is so painful, and the enemy is twisting it to make me think the truth is the painful one.... I don't know.

Why am I sabotaging myself?  I don't know for sure.  Maybe as a backhanded way of punishing myself for my part in the relationship?  Maybe I am listening to the lies too much - the lies that are shouting in my head that I'm not worth it, not worth anything.  That I'm just a piece of junk, and that I don't deserve my husband and my kids and don't deserve to be happy.

I know that those are lies, but I can't seem to get myself beyond them.  In Deuteronomy 7:6 (I'm going to personalize it and paraphrase it) It says that God chose me to be His.  To be his treasured possession.  I keep on bumping into that scripture everywhere I turn in the last week.

I read it, and it jars something in me.  It goes contrary to everything I'm feeling and thinking.  I know its the truth.  So I suppose it's bumping up against the lies that are perpetuating my feelings and thoughts.

When I'm where I am at right now (and I've been here before) I feel like all my strength is gone.  Which means the only way I am going to be able to move forward is if God takes the steps for me.  Because I sure can't right now.

No.  I am not saying I want to die.  I am not down that far yet (I don't think) but I sure would love to curl up somewhere and not have to deal with anything or anyone for a good long time.

Isolation

Insulation

Neither are very good for me right now.  But it's where I'm at.

Also, its hard right now because a good friend, who's been a good source of encouragement, and also someone I have been able to help and encourage too, needs a bit of space.  Oh how the enemy tries to use our weaknesses against us, and give things a stir!

This time, I think God may have given things a stir instead, before the enemy could.  I think it is protection.  That's what I had been praying for in our friendship.  Protection and God's will.  Now I am praying it is His protection and that our friendship will endure.

I don't know what the next few weeks are going to look like.  How do I respond?  How much, or when, can I call, or email her?  I know she needs her space to deal with some major stuff she is going through.  But I hate the unknown.  I want to know what it's going to look like in the next few weeks.  How uncomfortable are we going to be with one another?  How do I know when it's ok to call and see how she's doing and make sure she's safe?

I know God's got it.  I know that He love me.  He loves her.  So I know that He has it all under control.  I'm just trying to let go.

Let go.

Of another thing.

Right now, all I feel I can control is my eating, meds, my sleeping... and even that stuff I can't completely control.

Because God is asking me to let go of that stuff too.  To let go and let Him work.  I need to surrender to His will, His way, His timing.  When I try to rush things or slow things down, I know I make things worse.  It's a proven pattern if I look back at my history.

I know I will eventually cave in to what God wants.  I will do what He is asking me to, because everything is going to be pretty miserable if I don't.

So the struggle continues.  My will or His?  My way or His?  My "truth" or His?

Am I going to finally learn to let go and stop fighting Him?  How long does it have to take before I finally stop beating my head against brick walls?!

I guess it's one situation at a time.  I am going to need to try to figure out how the heck to let go and surrender.  Let go of this friendship, stop worrying about her and how she is doing and let God protect and care for her.  Surrender the friendship to God and pray for her rather than worry about her.  Praying is active.  Worry just eats me alive.  I am going to have to let go and surrender to let God heal me too.  I need to stop fighting the healing process.

I guess that is what I am doing right now.  I ask God to change me and show me and lead me and guide me to His next for me.  Then the feelings of being out of control wash over me as change comes, and I start digging in my heels.  I want to cling to what I know.... even if it's not good for me.

I have to let go.

Believe the truth.

Let go of the lies.

Trust my God.

Turn and face the pain.

The only way out of the pain is to face it.

Face it?  Yeah.  About that.  Don't want to.  It hurts bad enough as it is.  But God wants me to let go of the hurt.  He wants me to let Him take my fingers off it, bit by bit, let Him see it, wash it out and heal it.  The longer I hang onto it, the worse the scar will be in the end.

The pain is nearly unbearable as I lay myself out on the alter.  I know.  I have done it before.  God doesn't demand me to, He just asks in a gentle whisper if I trust Him enough to let go.

Let go and let Him.

Right now I see nothing but brick walls.  Walls that I had started to take down in trust, that I am throwing back up as quick as I can.  Walls that have been there for years, concealing fearful things I refused to look at.  Walls that God is wanting to take down a piece at a time to redeem the things behind them.  Walls covering wounds.  Walls that I keep beating my head against, getting nowhere at all.

Thursday - I have to let go of my control and let God take those walls down.  If I don't, I am not going to be able to breathe freely.

I'm scared.
I'm hurting.
I'm in such pain, it almost doesn't hurt to hurt myself more.

Does that make sense?

God, help me let go.  Help me see the hope on the other side of this mess.  Help me see You for who You really are.  Help me believe you.  Not just IN you, but believe you.  Believe that I am who you say I am and You are who you say you are, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I don't feel strong.  I feel weak and broken and out of control.  Help me somehow start to do something right for myself... to treat myself as Your treasure... even if I don't feel I am.  Help me to start taking care of myself so that I have the strength to face the things you want me to on Thursday afternoon.  Help me surrender.

truth meeting lies...

I wrote so much last week, having to write that "no send" letter, that I was out of a lot of words, once I wrote about it here last Wednesday.  Now here it is a week later, and a new year, and I find I haven't written at all.

Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me.  I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep well over the weekend.  I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running.  Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours.  I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.

I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.

Monday's session was grueling with Tricia.  Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.

I had an hour and a half session.  We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened.  Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter.  I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.

She asked if I was willing to read it.  I said that I needed to.  She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.

Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read.  I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go.  When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.

She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter.  That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read.  That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.

For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.

Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there.  In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:

1. What was the worst thing about this (relationship) -- a portion?  The whole thing?
2. What is the negative cognition, what is the lie or lies I am believing because of it?
3. What is the positive cognition, what do I want to believe about myself (the truth) even though this happened?

These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session.  Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.

I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it.  I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet.  I probably will burn it or something like that.  I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot.  I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well.  It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself.  It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."

One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.

We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed.  I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough.  We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested.  When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there.  Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.

Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.

I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night.  She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time.  That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.

So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him.  But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.

How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time?  Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill.  I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run.  But which do I choose?  Moment to moment it seems to swing.

I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night.  I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned.  All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.

All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking.  All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas.  I am afraid to open them up.  I don't want to.  I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed.  I know the healing on the other side too.  But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.

I was told to care for myself this week.  I was told to treat myself gently.  i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.

"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God.  Of all the people on earth, the Lord you God has chosen you to be his own special treasure" (NLT)

Chosen to be His own special treasure?  That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me.  In spite of what happened.  Really?

And this is where the lies are fighting the truth.  This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing.  Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds.  The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.

I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.

I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems.  That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee.  From everyone and everything.

hope...

Yesterday was an extremely hard day.  I didn't know how hard it was going to be as I was driving in to work.

I wish I could have taken a picture of all the trees, bushes, and even weeds and grass that stuck out from under the snow.  They were covered with frost.  Every last one of them, all over them... just white and perfect as could be.

I marveled at it all the way to work, and just from that felt God speaking the word "hope" to me.  I didn't know why, but there it was. 

I had been working on a "no send" letter to this man in my past who abused me and caused me a lot of pain.  Tricia had asked me if I would write it last week at our appointment, and I almost said no to her.  I told her I didn't think I could... but by the end of the appointment, I finally agreed that I would try.

Tricia said that one of the things I should try to do is identify the anger.  Because there is anger there, but I just don't know where it is or how to get at it.  That's why she wanted me to write - because it was a healthy and safe outlet for my anger.

So I had been working on the letter on Monday, on and off as I did other work around the office.  I got to a point where it was past my normal work hours and I just sat in one of the offices, in a recliner that was in there and continued to write.  I had to stop by 6pm because I had to go and pick up my kids.

Once they were in bed that night, I sat in my bed with my computer and continued to write the letter.  It was so hard.  I found myself remembering things that I hadn't before, images were coming into my head that I was so disgusted at.  I have been feeling so dirty and ashamed.

Yesterday, I had some time at work again, because I was the only one in the office and I was waiting for some newsletter articles to be emailed to me.  I worked on the letter on and off, needing to take breaks and work on other things in the meantime, to walk away from the stress the letter was putting on me.

At about 2:30, one of my friends called me before an appointment to see how I was doing.  As I shared what I was going through as I was trying to write it, it was all I could do to keep from having a panic attack.  She could tell there was a lot of panic there, and talked with me a bit until I calmed down some.  She then asked me if the words kept flowing as I was writing.  I told her they were.  But I just wanted to stop.  It was too hard, and too ugly, and to disgusting to me.  I was nearly sick to my stomach and hadn't been able to eat anything cause it made me nauseous every time I thought about food.

She said that I knew myself better than she did, so to take what she suggested with that in mind, but she strongly suggested that I keep on writing and get it all out, purged out of my system.  She said that she would pray for me before she went in to her appointment and then that she would stop by when she was done.

In the meantime, after collapsing on the couch in the office I was working in, in tears and exhaustion, I sat back down at my computer and reluctantly started to type again.

The next time I looked up was through tears as I saw my friend walking into the building out of the corner of my eye.  When she came through the door of the office, I saved my file and closed the computer and nearly dropped it on the floor next to me.

She asked how far I had gotten and I said that I was at page 8 or 9, I don't remember now.  Then she asked how I was doing. 

I just shuddered at first.
Then I was able to start expressing how I was feeling.

I feel dirty.  Used.  Worthless.  Afraid to look anyone in the eye for fear that they will be able to read me like an open book, that they will be able to see the dirtiness that is so apparent to me.  I feel like I am covered in such filth, inside and out, and there is no getting clean.

Those feelings are still there, which is why I put them in the present tense.  Now they aren't as strong, and the feelings are more controllable.  At least today so far.

We talked some more, and she encouraged me, out of her own experiences, the way I have in the past for her.  She cried with me, knowing first hand the pain I was going through.  She encouraged me to try to find something, anything to eat.  Anything that sounded good.  To take care of myself and be gentle with myself.

Prefacing what she had to say again with the idea that I know myself better than she does, she encouraged me to stay here at the church where it was quiet and I was alone, where I felt safe, and keep on writing, as much as I could.

She prayed with me, for me, then got up and gave me a big hug.  We stood in the office facing each other and I couldn't look her in the eyes.  I tried to pull myself together a little bit, and she said to me that I was going to get through this, and that God had made me a strong woman.  I started to cry again and said that I didn't feel like it, and she said she knew, that's why she said it.

As she left she told me that she would keep on praying for me... and to call her later if I needed to.

I sat back down, cried and continued to write until some people started coming in to do some work in the building, and then I packed up and went home to get the kids and finish out my night with them.  Once they were in bed, I managed to eat a couple of eggs and some toast.  It sat very heavy, but at least it was something.

Then, reluctantly I sat back down on my bed, with my laptop and opened up the letter once again.

When I finally finished writing, I was only 400 short of 10,000 words... and came in at about 15 pages.  The exhaustion I felt was total.  I ached, my eyes burned from staring at the computer screen so long and from crying.  My head hurt and my stomach rolled... and I had run out of words finally... and many emotions had poured themselves out through those words.

I saved the letter to my hard drive, and closed up the computer.  Without moving from my bed, though it was almost 11pm, I called my friend.  She got on the phone, knowing it was me, and I just said... "I finished it."

She was so glad for me, though I couldn't be.  I still am not... though there is a bit of relief that I haven't had to open up that document today at all.

We talked a bit, I cried some more, and she just let there be long silences in the conversation as I needed it.  I was shaking and cold and sweating all at the same time.

Before we got off the phone she reminded me to treat myself gently the rest of this week, because I needed to take care of myself.  She said whether that was a bubble bath, sleeping in late, eating whatever sounded good to me, trying to get to bed early, making sure I took my meds so I didn't flip out more because of that.... whatever it took.

She also predicted that if I put on some quiet worship music, that I would probably be asleep in 15 minutes or so, because of how drained, how tapped out I was.

She was sure right about that!

I slept, and don't remember too much about my dreams, though I know I had some, and I was very restless.

Today I got into work and sat in the sanctuary.  I just sat there and cried and talked to God and cried some more.  I tried to just rest in His arms, in His love.

I finally managed to pull myself together because the secretary was coming into the building and started my day.  I worked piece by piece on the things that God laid before me for the day.  They were simple things, and things I could control, unlike my emotions or my stomach.

At some point in the day, my friend dropped off her son at church to work on a youth project, and she stopped to see me in the office before she left.  We talked for a while, and she told me that she could tell I was doing better.  I think she is right.  I feel more stable now than I was yesterday.  I had attainable goals today (including finishing and printing the newsletter - that just finished printing behind me as I type) and I was able to keep focused on those for the most part.

My emotions are still all over, and I need to spend some time with God, another way to be gentle with myself, and nurture myself a little bit.  Because right now, being close to God is scary to me, because though I know He sees everything that's going on, when I get closer, well... He sees everything that's going on.

(I know... I know)

Before I go though, I have to share what happened just before I started writing again yesterday afternoon.  I looked across the room, out the window and realized that sitting on the window ledge was a little plaque... it was just the carved out letters.... "hope"

I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture of it and got it as the background on my phone.  That way, every time I look at my phone, there it is... to remind me that there is always hope... even when I don't see it.

I would upload it here for you, but for the life of me, I don't know how to do that yet from my phone (it's new) so maybe I can add it later.

There is still hope.
Even though I remembered a bit more this morning that I have to write.

There is still hope.
Even though I am going to have to read this letter to Tricia on Monday at my appointment with her.

There is still hope.
God has healed me before, from some horrible things.  He can heal this too.

Please keep on praying for me as I continue to process this stuff.  The kids are still off of school, and I will be needing to care for them and be functional for them the next 4 days.  Pray that I won't go crazy, though I feel like I already am.

I am now off to take some time to remind myself that there is still hope - and then go and lead worship practice tonight yet before I go home.

reminder of His love in pain

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful.  Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving.  It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe."  Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love.  In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now).  This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship.  It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of.  We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time.  I have been reeling some since Monday night.  It was hard work folks!  I was so raw when I left Tricia's office.  I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted.  I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor.  I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car.  Pretty quickly I started sobbing.  I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching.  I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly.  My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying.  Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room.  And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship.  I am fighting with it for sure.  I know the truth.  It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart.  It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to.  So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word.  As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart.  And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!"  Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time.  I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God.   The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me.  And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!!  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord.  I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

Worshiping, not yelling... and Never Alone!

Early this evening, I found myself on the way out to the farm.

I wasn't yelling.

I was worshiping.  

I was singing loud and strong, along to a worship CD.

I was overcome with awe as I watched the rain clouds break apart, 

the sun start to stream through,

and the trees light up with all their glorious colors.

I didn't feel alone.

God was right there with me.  

Showing Himself to me in His glorious creation and inhabiting my praise of Him.

He has been all along, but I was sinking so much in my own pain and shame that I couldn't or wouldn't see it.

What changed my perspective today?
Nothing has changed.  My situations and struggles are still the same.  The depression is still there, the feeling of being pulled away from people and things... all still there.

However, my perspective has changed.

Yesterday, after the kids had left to go to the farm, I read a friend's blog post.  She said that she would, even in the midst of her own struggles, be interceding for others.  She asked in that post for us to share prayer requests with her.  Tentatively I sought her out via email and shared as briefly as I could where I was at and just asked her to pray as she was able.

I received her reply a little later in the evening.  In the course of her email, she made a suggestion.  She said to find a favorite story of mine in the bible and read it.  But to not just read it, but fully put myself in the story, feeling it with texture, form and substance.

Well, I did as she suggested, right before bed.  I didn't anticipate how God would touch me, but I read the story of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years.  It was one that was instrumental in my coming to Christ 17 years ago.  I read it out of Mark 5:24-34.

It was powerful, and for some reason, what Jesus said to her at the end of her story on those pages, I felt like I had never even heard before.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." 

Daughter.
Faith.
Healed.
Peace.
Freed.

I was in that story.  I was the woman who had suffered at the hands of many doctors, spent all she had, and was worse off than before.  I was the one so worn and weak, trying to push through the crowd that was crushing Him to just try to touch his cloak.

And His words touched me.  I am His daughter.  My faith has caused me to push through the crowd to find healing in His touch, in the past, and will again.  He spoke to me about going in peace, to cease worrying about what might happen or how it will look, or what I'm even supposed to do.  Just rest in His peace.

He spoke precious words to me of freedom.  Freedom from suffering.  I know we will never be fully free from suffering here in this world.  But when we are looking at our Savior's face, the suffering fades in comparison.  I wrote in my journal last night that maybe I would never be able to shake the depression I suffer from, but maybe I can find peace in it, knowing He is there, He knows what it's like.  Jesus cares and never leaves me alone or drops me off along the road somewhere.

I know God is pulling me away for a season, drawing me apart for a while to spend more time with Him.  He's making room in my life.

For Him.
For me.
For us together.

I will be able to fill up with more of Him.  He will be able to show me the things I need to work through, the healing I need, the sins I need to confess, repent and let go of.  He is spending this time clearing out the junk so that He has room to work, and I can only sit back and watch in amazement as He does His thing.

Jesus was a carpenter you know.  I imagine He loved to work with His hands, taking a bare bit of wood, seeing what it could really become, cutting it, carving it, and shaping it, polishing it until it was a thing of beauty, and able to be used fully for the work it was made for.

He is doing that with me.  He is with you too. He sees the flaws in our bits of wood, and he works with them, turning them into ways His strength and design and plan can be seen.

This depression and depth of despair that I have had may come and go, and never really leave.  But I am working at getting it from my head to my heart - choosing to believe that it will once again be for my good and for His glory.  Depression will keep me weak, forced to depend on Him like no other.  No one else would be able to stand up to the pressure that I would put on them in my deepest need.

Only Jesus can.
Only Jesus has experienced the deepest darkness, the deepest aloneness, the most painful separation, worse than anything we could imagine.

So He knows, He understands, He cares.
And He WILL REDEEM IT ALL.

He will buy back the pain and the agony of our situations.  He will use it somehow in my life, and it will spill over into the lives of others.  He has in small ways already.

I wish that I could have written this yesterday, showing the hope that really was there at the end of that post.  But I didn't see it.  I was drowning, until Jesus stepped in, through the words of my friend, and drew me to His Word where He met me.

I rocked myself to sleep with that story from Scripture last night.  This morning, when I woke, nothing had changed.  Yet, EVERYTHING had changed.  It was enough.  It was so good.

God is so good.  I choose to believe that.  That He is good, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He will never leave me or forsake me.  I choose to believe the truth of His Word.....

....despite what my feelings may say.

May I look back on this post when I am down and depressed and see no hope and remember how He was faithful to me to fulfill His Words of healing, peace and freedom in my life.

Will you choose the truth too?  Will you choose Him?  Will you choose to believe Him and what He says about you, and how much He loves you?  Will you choose His hope with me today?

empty

Her voice was so empty today.

It broke my heart.

When she said it, I already knew it, because I knew that feeling I could sense in her voice, no matter what she said.

"I feel so empty."

All I could say was, "I know."

I don't know, really.
I don't know what it is to lose a spouse and feel that kind of empty, rattle around in a too quiet house.

But I know what it is to be so distant from someone that you feel like they are gone from your life. I know the emptiness that depression brings.

So maybe I know, just a little.

We were on the phone. I didn't have the time to go to her house to visit for the time that she needed, and get back to church for an evening meeting. So I had to settle for talking on the phone.

I wanted to give her the hug it seemed like she needed.

I don't know how to help her.

I want to help her.

At the same time I am hurting. I am sad. I am grieving too. Not in the same way she is. I have my own set of things going on too, that add to this new grief.

The memorial service was so wonderful this weekend. It was exactly as they had planned together before his death. It was a celebration of his life, the dignity of his death, and the anticipation he had of seeing Jesus.... the peace and joy that permeated the two of them those last weeks - even in the midst of tears.

The couple who always walked hand in hand are separated now for a while by death -- though he still lives -- they are separated, and she is longing for him and feeling so much like half of her is gone now.

As new as personally grieving is to me, so is walking with someone through their own grief. Much less walking with our small group together through this loss. Right now it's her, myself and one other couple, and a single young man who comes when he can.

My head hurts, my back hurts cause I am holding in all this tension. My stomach just aches. My throat has a big lump in it, but there are no tears to help relieve it all.

I want to run away, go hide somewhere, and really there is no where to go. Because I have to come back. I have a husband, children, a job, people counting on me.

I can't run away and hide somewhere alone. My husband already hardly has any activities outside of work and home. I have work and home, but also our small group once a week and am on worship team once a month. I can't run away and leave him with the kids, even for a day. I feel guilty. I have laundry a mile high I need to do, and other things around the house, and I don't want to do any of it. I just want to hide.... dive into a hole and pull it in behind me.

I want to ignore what happened this past weekend. Forget it and ignore it. I was able to today, until I talked to her.

In an email I wrote to the other couple in our small group I said that I feel dry, my prayers feel dry, and I feel like they are just a laundry list.

Yet at times, there is a little bit of comfort from His word. Just enough to keep me going. So that hopefully I won't feel so empty either.

Darkness creeping in....

This week I would say has "been a week."

You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.

I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.

I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.

One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.

I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.

I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.

So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?

I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.

However, there is something bothering to me.

What, you ask?

I have no idea.

But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.

But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?

I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.

I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.

It's really about being.

I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.

.... and I find this depression creeping in on me....

It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.

It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.

I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.

I am so very tired.

I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.

I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.

So this is what you get.

This girlfriend.
Struggling, hurting, confused, depressed and wanting to run.

Advent of Trust #14; Beauty in scars

I was reading a devotional the other day by Jennifer Rothschild called "Fresh Grounded Faith." This is what I read:

"[Our] beauty comes from the radiance of Christ that is best revealed through our scars. It's a compelling strength that becomes realized only in our weakness. It's a beauty forged in the refining fire of trials, and a loveliness fashioned on the anvil of faithfulness."
(Day 1, Page 15)

I want Christ's radiance to be shown through me. Every day, in every way.

It won't if I hang onto control of my life. If I insulate and isolate myself from life, and don't allow myself to be really touched by life, by anyone, Christ won't be seen in me.

I won't take risks where my weakness is seen, so His strength can fill me.
I won't be wounded by life, and healed by Him.
I won't face trials, and be refined and perfected.

I desire that loveliness. But that loveliness doesn't just come. Jennifer's quote says that it comes on "the anvil of faithfulness."

An anvil sounds painful doesn't it?

It takes a lot of faithfulness to stay on that anvil when life pounds you down flat. It takes trust in the Master and His ability to use the heat, the pounding, the pain in just the right way to mold you and shape you into who He wants you to be.

Only by being pounded, shaped, polished, refined will His beauty be reflected in us, out of us. Only then will His beauty shine out of us. Through the wounds the scars that run so deep, and mark our character for Him.

Lord, may your beauty shine through me. May my scars shine with Your radiance, so others don't see me, but You. May I prove to be trusting in You to the very end. Grow my trust in You, and deepen it even more, so that I may walk into a whole new level of relationship with you. Amen

She obeys, He frees... She Speaks Part 8

I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.

Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…

So, there I was crying in the atrium of the hotel, trying to pray and surrender everything to God.

I finally was able to settle down and practice my talk, trying to time it and smooth things out. Just in time too, as I had to head upstairs to get together with everyone in my evaluation group.

I seem like I am skimming over so much. Everyone who spoke did so well. It was good for me to know that everyone was just as nervous as I was.

One amazing thing was how God really designed all of our talks. We all had different stories, different verses to talk on, different lives. But God designed each of our talks. We really all spoke about much of the same thing. How God has created us special, with our own unique talents and gifts and backgrounds. How much He loves every one of us.

God blessed my heart through each of my sisters there.

When I got up to give my talk, I was so scared. I was afraid to open up with the story....

(I know, I have been holding back what it was, because, well, though I have talked about it here on my blog as I was working through it in counseling... it's still hard to share)

......the story of how I was raped by a boyfriend in college......

I didn't go into detail. I couldn't. I didn't have much time to even fill out the story enough, or ease into it any.

It took all I had to follow God's prompting to share that story. It led so well into why I felt separated from God, and unable to receive His love, or believe that He could love me at all. The whole verses that I picked, that God gave me, were from Romans 8:35 and 37.

You know the part:

"Who shall separate us from the love of God? Shall trouble or hardship, or persecution or famine, or nakedness, danger or sword? No, in all these things were are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

It's a reminder for me, even today, right now, this very morning as I write this. No matter my past sins, the ways I fall and stumble along, God still loves me. He still looks on me with compassion and mercy. He lavishes His grace on me. Nothing can separate me.

Nothing, not even the nakedness I felt from the rape could ever separate me from God's love... even when I felt dirty, and lived with the lies that I wasn't worth anything more than being used by others.

After sharing, I finally felt such a relief.

Not just that I had shared my talk, but that I had followed God's prompting to share some of the hardest, most painful parts of my story, trusting Him to use it as He will.

I may have the opportunity to share my story, and/or a talk soon. Like in February as I am on a committee to plan a women's retreat for our church. We probably are going to use 3 people from our church family as the speakers, as we don't have a very big budget. It seems that all three of the speakers are on the committee right now. Funny how God works like that.

It may be harder to share my story, and any message God puts on my heart, with people who I will see all the time in church. However, God has put a burden on my heart for the women in our congregation that I see every Sunday. I wonder how many of them are living with secret depression, or secret shame and hurt and guilt... with burdens that they aren't supposed to be carrying... at least not alone, without others to help them.

All I know is I walked out of the speaker evaluation group with a new lightness in me.

The only way I can describe it is as if I finally got "permission" to really share my heart, and God's heart for women in pain and bondage. I had a release of sorts. From fear, from hesitancy, from resistance.

I walked into the dinner that night, in preparation for hearing Jennifer Rothschild speak in person. I had recently read through her "Self Talk, Soul Talk" book, and was doing her bible study, "Me, Myself and Lies." Both were incredible and I was greatly looking forward to what she had to say.

I didn't expect what she said, and how she shared her heart, to touch mine as much as it did. I couldn't explain it even now, though I will try...

God used her to speak right into my heart and life right where I was at....

(to be continued)

VBS here I come!!!!

Well, here comes life this week... full force!

It could be very much a life overload this week!!

Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.

That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.

I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )

I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.

I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.

So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!

If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!

curling up...

I wrote in my journal today that I just don't know what is going on.

I suppose that's ok.
I don't need to know.
I want to know.

It's a cool, rainy, dark day. It is one of those days that you just want to curl up. It doesn't help my mood any. I just want to curl up under a blanket in a safe place, with a safe person. I want to cry.

I did a little crying at the coffee shop. I need comfort. Comforting. I need a sense of safety and peace. I need God. I need more and more of Him.

"Every mistake, sin, and detour we take in the journey of life is taken by God and becomes his gift for a future of blessing when we surrender ourselves to him."

"What would it look like for you to surrender the pains of your past to God today?"

I can see where God has taken the pains in my past, as I have worked through them, and surrendered them to him, and worked them for a blessing in my life. I have seen how surrendering all of me to him has made such a difference in my life. I have caught a brief glimpse of his blessing amidst my pain, and because of it... working it for good.

Can I answer that question today? What pains of my past am I still holding on to? I thought I had surrendered that to him already. I mean, wasn't that what this past year was all about? He brought me to a point of surrender and healing. But like the quotes in my last post, he brings us back to some of the same things again, on a newer, more profound level, to a deeper level of healing and change.

I don't know what is causing the pain, sorrow in my heart. I don't know what is causing the depression that is making me fold inwards to protect myself. I don't know what is making me want to curl up and hide and cry. I don't even know what all my emotions are...

All I do know is I am desperate for comfort, for healing, for filling of the Holy Spirit.
All I do know is I want to run and hide.

I can't.
I want to.

I have a family to take care of.

If you see this, please pray for me. I don't quite know what to ask for. I need God. I need Him to do something powerful. I want to rest in with His arms enfolding me... and I need that rest so badly.

Sorry for the jumbledness of this post. It's just all pouring out of me. Thanks for your prayers.


Quotes taken from "Complete guide to the Daily Office," by Peter Scazzero

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 1

Welcome to our "Yes to God Tuesdays" study. We are starting our new book "An Untroubled Heart," by Micca Campbell. If you want to join us, come on over to Lelia's site to sign up, or just to find the other blogs, and follow along with us, reading our posts. As Lelia says, you don't need to have a blog to do the study. Just leave comments on our blogs, or on Lelia's. Your insights are valuable to us all!

Chapter 1: When the Unthinkable Happens

I don't know about you, but one of the things that I have been fighting in my life is fear. I always have. Whether it was fear of rejection by loved ones or peers; fear of failure; fear of being alone; fear of intimacy; fear of fear itself (!!); fear has been a companion. I never really realized just how strong it was. At least not until more recently.

I have found that as I have tried to deal with depression, I also have a generalized anxiety that is almost a constant companion. There are times when I can push it to the back of my head. There are times when it doesn't trouble me at all, or that I am able to identify it, and rather than ignore it, deal with it, or use some of the techniques my counselor gave me to combat its effects and calm myself. There are times though when it does plague me. Anxiety build to fear, and becomes if not overwhelming, at least the main focus, rather than God.

There have been times in this past year that have overwhelmed me with fear. Times where I could barely function. Those have been pretty terrible, but usually I could identify what I was afraid of, whether it was dealing with a situation in my present, or dealing with the emotions of something from my past.

But I think the time that I can identify as being the most afraid and alone was the summer of 2007. I had been struggling with depression, but it was getting more and more severe... to the point of finally giving in and starting to try anti-depressants.

The days just got darker. I felt more isolated from others and God. It didn't help me to know that there were others who struggled with depression too. I didn't feel any better to know that there were a few people close to me who knew what I was struggling with. I was going through it, and there was no real way for someone else to join me in it.

By the end of that summer I was living in such pain.

I was so lonely.
I was so afraid.

I was so deep into the darkness.

I felt like nothing touched me; no words could reach me; no light could penetrate the suffocating blackness around me.

I had never felt such complete isolation before. I had never been so cold, and so alone, and so terrified.

My life was shredding at the seams and I didn't know how to stop it. I was losing my husband, my children, my family and my friends, and there was nothing I could do.

Looking back now, I can see God's hands all over me. I didn't see Him then. I couldn't see Him then. I couldn't hear His voice calling to me. I couldn't hear His words flooding over me. Someone would pray with me, for me, and I would briefly feel a release of peace over me, and a release of tears emotionally, but then I would be back in the deep, watching the waters close over my head. I would sink back down to the depths and just long for death to take me.

God took me instead.

Through a series of circumstances, I ended up in counseling. Early on, one of the things my counselor challenged me to do was read Psalm 139. I ended up memorizing it.

She wanted me to see my value and worth. How well known by God I was, and that if He knit me together, I was made the way He wanted me, and all His works are wonderful.

But she also wanted me to see just what Micca said here.
"No matter what our emotions or circumstances may say, the truth is there is nowhere we can go to escape God's presence. Though it might not feel like it or look like it, God is always near."

It took a long time for that to sink into me.

A LONG TIME!

Even now I am tempted to look at my hard places, and start to feel that fear, the "alone-ness" of it all, and start to despair. The problems, the pain, the disappointments, the frustrations, the anger all mount up. As they mount up, I knuckle under. I falter. I fail. I fall.

Many times I end up on my face. Too many of those times I am on my face in the dirt, wallowing in depression and despair. Too many times I won't look up, even that inch, to see the tips of His fingers in my field of vision.

The tips of His fingers.
His hand.
Reaching out.

Reaching out to me, to lift me up and to carry my load.

If only in the very beginning, when the problems are starting to weigh heavy on my shoulders, I would drop everything at His feet. If only I would be able to not only know with my head, but believe in my heart that He is there. That He always will be.

It is starting to sink in, but oh, is it a slow process. I must have a thick skull, because I seem to have to keep learning the same lessons over and over and over again!

Micca said,
"It calms my uncertainties to know that God's help is at hand immediately. It isn't a future help, nor is it available only when I'm worthy of God's help. No, it is a present help. God's help is available the moment we humble ourselves and cry out to Him."

And that's it right there. My pride gets in the way. My "self" finds it very hard to ask for help, to look to assistance from someone. And when I am "forced" to, I find it so much easier to go to a friend, rather than God. Why is that?

Maybe because I have seen enough pain in my relationship with Him... (pain, by the way, caused by my own straying or the straying of others, not caused by Him, though allowed by Him) ...that pain has caused me to be less trusting of Him. I am more likely to trust someone I haven't been hurt by, so therefore I turn to someone I can see, a friend, instead.

But how backwards is that? It's another sign of the lies the enemy has been planting in my head for so long. The enemy hasn't wanted me to see that it was my sin, or the sin of others, and my bitterness that was causing me pain. He wanted me to believe it was God causing me the pain.

Slowly, a little bit at a time, I have been rooting out that lie, and many others this year or so.

A little bit at a time, I have found it easier to trust Him. A little bit at a time, I have been learning that there is a purpose for painful trials, and that I can rejoice at their eventual outcome. A purification process for me, my faith, and a deeper dependence on my God.

With Micca I am learning "that joy can be found in the midst of heartache and fearful times."

That doesn't mean that it is always easy or fun. It isn't
That doesn't mean that it will never hurt. It does.
That doesn't mean that I will be happy every day. I won't.

It does mean that if I put my focus on the right thing, I can find joy. If I stop focusing on the terrible circumstances I may be in, and instead fix my gaze on Him, the author and perfecter of my faith, there will be a difference in how I handle things.

I may still weep about the things that cause me pain. I may still find myself treading those dark waters. But instead of despairing, and fearing I will never get out of the pain; instead of taking the easy way and let the dark waters suck me down to the depths; instead I need to look to Him.

I have some choices to make, even in the midst of great pain, fear, and "alone-ness."

1. I have to make a conscious decision to focus on God, not the circumstances or my emotions.
2. I have to make a conscious decision to see the end result, rather than the painful beginnings.
3. I have to make a conscious decision to cooperate with the purification process rather than hinder it.

And also very important:

1. I have to want to be healed more than I want to live in the pit.
2. I have to want to be mature and complete more than I want to live the easy life.

The easy life will leave me with limp arms, weak legs, and the ability of child to handle traumatic circumstances.

If I continue to choose God's path, it won't be the easy life. Look at the life Jesus led.

But, it will be a rewarding one. Even in the face of incredible loss, pain, and fear Jesus continued His terrible path to Calvary. In the end He has been glorified with His Father

I had a choice to make when I went into counseling. Was I going to work at it? Was I willing to do what it took to face the pain, to get through it so that God could help me grow and mature?

I did make that choice, and I did persevere through counseling.

Now in my daily life I need to make that choice again and again. Am I going to "do" this thing? Am I going to face the painful trials even now, the things that can hurt and wound deeply?

I think part of my scripture memory verse from 3-1-09 says it all.

Hebrews 10:36
"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

I will close with one last quote from Micca.
"When you and I can look to the end result of what our testing is accomplishing, then we can find joy in the midst of it. Ultimately, when adversity has its way, we mature. we change from victim to victor! That, my friend, is a huge gain." (emphasis mine)

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 11; Praise the Lord...

On Sunday at church, though things were better, I was still reeling from my experiences on Friday.

There was nothing I could do.
I was still stumbling in darkness.

I went to church.
Alone.

The kids were sick, so they stayed home with Dave.

Our associate pastor, Brad, came up to me and asked me how I was doing. He is one of those people who, especially since he has seen me through some of these past few years, won’t take “I’m fine,” for an answer. So, I managed to express that it was really tough, and that I really felt like I was floundering… and had been hit big time with depression over the weekend.

He gave me a quick squeeze and a warm smile, and then moved on rapidly, as the service was about to start. As I sat in the service, I felt like I was sitting alone, apart and separated from those around me. Until the worship started. When the music started, I could feel my heart start to quicken.

The first couple of songs were just a good “warm up” for me, and started to let in a little light. Then Brad prayed, asking God to lighten the hearts of those of us who were feeling heavily burdened, and praising God that darkness was as light to Him.

My heart shook and trembled at that.

Then later in the service a new song was introduced. Over and over the words reminded me. Reminded me of who God is.

• my Shield
• my Strength
• my Portion
• my Deliverer
• my Shelter
• my Strong Tower
• my very present Help in time of need

Then my heart really started taking notice.

Later in the day I came back to the church for a prayer meeting. As we prayed for our leadership, for our church, and for anything else on our hearts;

God spoke.
In the quiet.

I wasn’t able to pray out loud then.
That came later.

But I had this impression that God really wanted me to surrender. Everything. Let Him have the burden I was carrying. And to confess. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew He was calling to me, and asking me to do it soon.

As soon as the prayer meeting was over, Pastor Brad leaned over and said that as he was walking from his home to church for the meeting, he was praying for me… and then was blown away when he saw me drive right by him. I thanked him for his prayers on my behalf, and asked God in my head, “What are You doing?”

People scattered from the room, and through the church to other meetings, or heading home for the rest of the day.

Instead of going outside and to a park to enjoy the beautiful weather before my choir practice, I hung around talking to a friend until the lobby had cleared, then slipped into the sanctuary before someone saw me.

I walked to the front, and sat down on the floor,

near the piano,
near the altar,
near the cross.

It was cool and quiet.
Peaceful.

I turned to Psalm 139, and read some of it. The parts of never being able to flee from Him, escape His presence… and that even if I wanted darkness to hide me, the darkness was as light to Him.

It took on a whole new meaning in the light of the pain I had been in over the weekend, on Friday… and maybe longer, as it just poured out of seemingly nowhere…

He never left me. Even when I was crying and raging. Even when I couldn’t feel Him. Even when I didn’t want to do anything but run. I couldn’t run from Him. I can’t.

Even though I was/am surrounded by darkness, He can see. He can see through it. Though my soul feels like it is floundering, He is holding me, seeing the rocks I am tripping on and trying to guide me, if only…

…if only.

If only I would look up at Him.
If I would lift Him up.

It took the praise earlier in the day, and the opportunity to pray later on, to soften my heart enough to hear His voice.

I spent time in confession.

One of the things: allowing my gaze to be wrenched off of Him, and onto my problems, my self, my pain. I needed to spend time seeking His forgiveness for not letting Him be my all in all.

I spent time in surrender.

I cried out to Him how much I hurt. I cried out about how things were so hard. How I just wanted to run away. But this time, I left it with Him. I was on my face sobbing. But I was surrendering.

Then I was sobbing, but praising Him. I spent time in the Word. I spent time reading again and again about who He is… and I praised Him for it. I sang back through the song we sang at church that morning.

As Jennifer said in our final chapter of our book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,”
“…lift up God. As He grows bigger in your thought closet, you grow smaller.”

“When He becomes the center of our attention, we no longer take that spot.”

I forced my gaze back onto Him on Sunday afternoon. I confessed, I surrendered, and I lifted Him up. I praised Him while I was in the sanctuary of my church.

And I left the building with peace.

I still am struggling with depression. I suppose I have written that so many times in different posts it comes as no surprise. But right now I am at peace with it. I am at peace with God. I have my eyes focused on Him, and I pray that I will be able to continue to do that.

When I start focusing on “my” depression, I become the center of my attention, and that is exactly what the enemy wants. He wants me to focus on me, my problems, my anxieties… never on God.

But when I focus my gaze on the author and perfecter of my faith, I am looking up, and lifting up my soul.

“The Bible tells us that God takes pleasure in our praise. But when we set aside worries about our habitats and lose ourselves in the life-shaping, darkness-chasing, happiness-enhancing experience of pure praise, the pleasure is all ours.”

Here is the song that our worship team introduced in our worship time on Sunday. It was a powerful reminder of who God is, and that He has delivered me and set my feet upon a rock, so I will not be moved.



As icing on the cake… to top off my day, my God overwhelmed me. He blessed me beyond measure. Last week, I auditioned for a solo in my choir. I have tried out for years. Never thought I would get one… even this time.

But God.

I will be singing a solo in my choir concert at the end of April. The icing part of it? The song is “Be Thou My Vision.” (yes, the hymn, but different melody)

But how appropriate… He is my vision. I will lift Him up!

Thorn in the flesh...

What is it with me?

What is wrong with me?

Why am I going through this again??

Will this always be my thorn in the flesh?

Will it ever get better?

(I feel almost embarrassed posting this because I know what a dear friend and her family are going through right now, I know there are others out there with worse things happening that I have been praying for… but if there is one thing I learned in this last year, and through even our last book study by Lisa Whittle, I need to be transparent… so here it is.)

Last night, I got home from my small group, and all the way home I wanted to cry. By the time I reached my home town (a 20 min. drive) I wanted to keep going. I don’t know where; just keep going. I was more peaceful in my car, I was concentrating on driving, was able to pray some and was watching a beautiful moonrise through the hazy clouds.

I restrained the urge to keep driving south.

As I pulled into my driveway, it was all I could do to keep from backing out again. I hit the garage door opener so that my husband would know I was there, and so I would keep pulling the car in the garage.

I walked in, and just felt like I was going to bawl again. But my husband was here, and so was our neighbor, so I couldn’t just let loose. I don’t think I could have if I had wanted to, or felt free to.

On and off I felt like crying all night. Right before I went to bed, I checked my Facebook account one more time, and my friend Lee, was on, and we chatted briefly and prayed together. That was good. So was small group earlier in the evening. So I don’t know what was going on.
Then I went to bed, next to my snoring husband. It was one of those nights, that though I was listening to music through my headphones of my mp3 player, his snoring was drowning it out. I got up again, out of frustration. I sat in the living room for a bit longer (maybe an hour) then went back to bed when I was so exhausted that I knew I would fall asleep right away.

Got up and registered my boy for kindergarten next year. Went to the coffee shop briefly… for me anyway… only about 1 1/2 hours. Even that wasn’t much of a comfort today. I was able to journal some, but it only seemed to stir things up more.

Came home to a quiet house.

The kids were still gone, and I didn’t expect them for about another hour. My husband called shortly after I got home, checked in on my, and how my day was going. After we got off the phone, I was almost ready to cry, then Grandpa called and said he was bringing the kids home in about a half hour.

I went into my room to make the bed. I started throwing pillows around. Yelled at God. Sobbed. Frustrated beyond belief.

I. Can’t. Do. This.

Pretty much my thoughts. I know that I can’t, that only God can, etc. I KNOW!!!! I KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWERS!!!!!!!

it’s not enough today

I got done throwing the pillows around and collapsed sobbing on the bed. Sobbed. Wailed.
I don’t know all that I said to God. Not sure what words were used. All I know is that I am tired. I am tired of dealing with depression. I am sick of feeling like this. I am sick of finding myself struggling…. with waking up in the morning and not wanting to get out of the bed.

I am tired of hurting, and not knowing why. I have so many blessings. There are so many good things going on in my life right now. Where is this coming from?! I can look outside and see the sun, lay on my bed as I was crying out to God and feel it on my back. I know I have a warm house, and enough food, and more than enough clothes, family blessings, church family that loves us, loves me….

and yet there is the empty ache in me that nothing can fill.
it is all temporary fixes.
temporary medication

whether its

• food
• friends
• fellowship
• reading
• blogging
• sleeping
• shopping
• driving

it doesn’t matter

anything good can become a medication if it is being used to numb away, ignore, or mask pain for a little while.

and then the question enters my mind; if something is being used to run and hide and mask pain, is that becoming my god?

possibly.

when I was leaving the coffee shop this morning, lunch time, and heading home, I knew I was going to be getting the kids back soon. I toyed with the idea of throwing them in the car and driving. I don’t know where. Just driving. Then I thought about how fun it would be to just hop in the car myself. Throw some clothes in a bag, get into the car and drive till I found warm weather and a beach to sit on.

Seriously. Just. Go. Anywhere.

I know it wouldn’t help any depression or hurt or anything I am feeling right now. I know that it probably wouldn’t even temporarily fix anything going on…. probably make some things worse. But I just need something. Some change.

I would give anything to drive away from here for a bit. Drive somewhere warm. Forget about responsibilities here for a while…. even if that means needing to take the kids with me, so be it. But just GO.

I won’t.
I am too responsible for that.

but this is the strongest a thought like this that has crossed my mind in a long time.

i guess when it feels like depression is controlling your life, you try to do anything you can to try to control something yourself…

if that means daydreaming about driving somewhere away for a while…. then I guess that’s what it will take.

No, I will go on. I will plug away at this next week. I will do what I need to. I will fulfill my responsibilities to my family, my church, and try to press on. I am too much afraid of what people would think if I just up and ran away. I am too much a resp0nsible person to just leave. There is too big a part of me that would just rebel at leaving, or stopping right now.

After that storm of weeping this morning, I was just cleaning up my face when I heard the kids come in the door. Grandpa dropped them off and left pretty quickly. I took Marina into her room to change her diaper. She settled down with me on her bed for a “rest.”

Peter came in and settled on his bed, and as Marina was still flipping and flopping, I went over to him and snuggled him for a few minutes. Within a minute of my going over there, I looked at her, and she was asleep, and within 2 more minutes, Peter was asleep.

Minor blessing, Major miracle.
So I have had this time here.

I don’t know that writing anything out here has helped me, or helped anyone else.

I do remember now one of the things that I raged at God about. I begged Him to take away this depression… it nearly debilitates be at times, and it takes everything I have to move, much less function.

God, I don’t want this! I don’t want this to be my “thorn in the flesh” no matter how you may be shown in and through it! I know that your strength can be made perfect in my weakness, that you can show yourself more than enough through anything…. but God, I can’t do this! Yeah, I know the answer is that You will do it. I feel stupid and dumb and weak. I feel like people are going to look at me and say, “what is the deal with you? What do you have going on so bad that you can’t stand it, that you can’t be satisfied, that you can’t be happy?” I don’t know! I can site so many things as being the reason; hormones, chemical imbalance, heredity, my past (which I thought I have pretty much dealt with major stuff this past year, isn’t that done yet???), current stressors…. but none of them help me. It doesn’t matter if it is defined, if I know why it is happening. All I know, God is what I am feeling. Whether that is based on lies that I am believing right now, I don’t know. I can’t even identify what I was thinking that might have started this off!

Lord, Jennifer said in her book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,” that I need to starve the feelings of failure and defeat, the dark feelings or they will grow. I didn’t think that I was feeding them. Maybe I am. Please show me if I am and how to stop. I don’t want to keep going through this. I need Your help! You gave me this little blessing of the kids sleeping, which they never do for me in the afternoon. You gave me this time here to pour out my heart. Oh God I am hurting so much. I don’t know why. I don’t have any answers. I read your word this morning and felt dry. I tried to pray and all I could do was cry, and essentially scream at you. It may be a bright sunny day today, but right now it feels pitch black in here. I know it’s not the truth, but its what I am feeling. I know that you will never leave me or forsake me. I could really use the strength to cling onto that, and the ability to see what you are doing for me, no matter what I feel, and not just discount it.

Please help me through this hour, this afternoon, supper, this night, until I can go to sleep. Bring comfort to my soul, Lord. Nothing I can do, no one I can talk to, nothing anyone else can do (but pray) will be able to stop this. I am trying to claim your truth Lord. I am trying to cling to you, but I feel broadsided this week, after I feel like I had just caught my breath. Be my strength, satisfy me with your unfailing love, be my salvation in this distress. I NEED something… i NEED YOU JESUS.