Saturday, June 6, 2009

curling up...

I wrote in my journal today that I just don't know what is going on.

I suppose that's ok.
I don't need to know.
I want to know.

It's a cool, rainy, dark day. It is one of those days that you just want to curl up. It doesn't help my mood any. I just want to curl up under a blanket in a safe place, with a safe person. I want to cry.

I did a little crying at the coffee shop. I need comfort. Comforting. I need a sense of safety and peace. I need God. I need more and more of Him.

"Every mistake, sin, and detour we take in the journey of life is taken by God and becomes his gift for a future of blessing when we surrender ourselves to him."

"What would it look like for you to surrender the pains of your past to God today?"

I can see where God has taken the pains in my past, as I have worked through them, and surrendered them to him, and worked them for a blessing in my life. I have seen how surrendering all of me to him has made such a difference in my life. I have caught a brief glimpse of his blessing amidst my pain, and because of it... working it for good.

Can I answer that question today? What pains of my past am I still holding on to? I thought I had surrendered that to him already. I mean, wasn't that what this past year was all about? He brought me to a point of surrender and healing. But like the quotes in my last post, he brings us back to some of the same things again, on a newer, more profound level, to a deeper level of healing and change.

I don't know what is causing the pain, sorrow in my heart. I don't know what is causing the depression that is making me fold inwards to protect myself. I don't know what is making me want to curl up and hide and cry. I don't even know what all my emotions are...

All I do know is I am desperate for comfort, for healing, for filling of the Holy Spirit.
All I do know is I want to run and hide.

I can't.
I want to.

I have a family to take care of.

If you see this, please pray for me. I don't quite know what to ask for. I need God. I need Him to do something powerful. I want to rest in with His arms enfolding me... and I need that rest so badly.

Sorry for the jumbledness of this post. It's just all pouring out of me. Thanks for your prayers.


Quotes taken from "Complete guide to the Daily Office," by Peter Scazzero

6 comments:

Tina said...

praying for you

grey like snuffie said...

Hi Heather, thanks for peeking into our world. The prayer at the top of my post was first spoken over our youngest daughter during her first year of college. Thankful His words gave you comfort today.
He knows more than we can ever understand what is at the root of our dark nights....thankful that He promises to draw close when we draw close to Him.
Heather, set your gaze toward Him and know that He sees, He hears...His eyes NEVER leave you. Sometimes abiding with Him doesn't "feel" like any kind of closeness we have known...yet trusting that He knows, He holds you...He has not abandoned you and that when you need to know...anything..you will know. Peace to your spirit...may you be able to trust in spite of how you feel.

Rachel B said...

I'm still praying, Heather...and I'm NOT taking you off of my prayer list.

You are doing the right thing...keep going to the Lord. Seek Him out and seek His ways.

Tomorrow I hope to post a prayer on my blog. Hope you'll read it because I think it would be helpful for you.

I pray God will shower you with Peace and Hope today!

Jill said...

Heather, I am praying for you and could relate to so much of what you had to say. I've been there, real recently actually. Keep asking God - He will answer your prayer. He is pulling me out of the pit right now and I am so thankful, I pray you can say the same thing soon!
Blessings, Jill
Dear Heavenly Father,
Lord I ask you to wrap your arms around Heather - give her the peace and rest she is searching for. Assure her of your presence in her life. Take control of her mind, help her listen to your voice, the one of truth and not the lies of the enemy. Help her find joy. Lord I know it's a hard place to be and can be tempting to turn from you, don't let Heather do that - give her the desire to constantly seek you and trust you. In your name, Amen

Julie Gillies said...

Thank you, Heather, for your honest comment on my blog. I prayed for you this morning, my friend. I'd like to pray right here:

Father,

Enevelop Heather in your love. Flood the eyes of her heart with your light and truth. Strengthen her heart and enable her to stand far above the schemes of the enemy, secure in the high tower you've constructed for her. Pour out your Spirit on Heather and her family. Send angels to dance and praise throughout her home...change the atmosphere of her home and protect Heather and her family.

In Jesus' MIGHTY name, Amen.

Andrea said...

Dear Heather, sometimes we just don't understand our lives or our hearts. It is then that we most need God's love and comfort.

As I write this, one thing I know. God love YOU! His eye is on the tiny sparrow, and yes, His eye is watching you in this painful time of your life.

Though you may not feel His presence, please rest in the knowledge of His word. He is with you, and just as there was a beginning to your darkness, there will be an end, my dear friend.

So, hang on to the hem of His garment! Do not let go! The shadows will pass, and you will see light again.

And in this new coming light, you will find His glory!

Oh, what love and care He has for you, dear one. There is no one on earth He loves more than you! There is no one on this earth more dear to Him than you! And Christ's love is everlasting!

I pray now, in Jesus name, for a crack in the darkness. Dear Father, may Heather feel the comfort of you presence. Oh, Lord, my God, may you speak to her heart and open her spirit and lift her up. Raise Heather, dear Jesus, from this dark affliction. Deliver her completely. Give her faith, comfort, and joy. May she realize the power that is in Your mighty Name! May she know the truth and be set free! In Jesus' Name, Amen, and Amen!

Heather, I will be remembering you. Do not give up. Keep in mind Psalm 30:5. Weeping only last for a night, but joy comes with the morning.

God can give you mightly deliverance. He can also give you a gradual light to follow.

Perhaps you will begin to see a crack in the darkness, a small piece of light. A glimmer of hope. Hold on to this hope. Cling to His word. Continue to cling to Jesus. He is there. And He will never leave you or forsake you.

He may or may not give you understanding. And although it's very difficult, try not to search for it. Just hold on to His word and know His love and peace.

In Christ's Love,

Andrea