Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God. All about having a forward moving, active faith.
At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team. On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.
I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. All about faith.
Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.
Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day. I had a 90 minute session with Tricia. We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college. It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again. Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done. Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.
I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little. I also have been sleeping very little. So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe. And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step. It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you." I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.
As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home. I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap. I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide. She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep. So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom. I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.
I slept. I actually slept. I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy. She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped. She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.
Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop. I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go). I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while. She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.
But I had a rough afternoon. Just got side-swiped by some things. I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them. I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty. My poor husband had no idea what to do with me. That's ok, neither did I.
That brings me back to this morning. I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study. I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday. Before I started though, I talked to God about my week. I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any. I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22). When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.
Get this one:
"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."
Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation
I mean, really? There is a God thing for sure. He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him. I saw answered prayer. That in itself is a shot of hope.
I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have. I need to see God's promises to me. I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy. I don't say that lightly. I need the hope or I sink into despair. But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope. This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward. I don't know how. It's only God.
I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals. That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly. I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure. I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.
I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not. I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process. I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there. But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going. Things that are reminders. Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration. (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)
My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.
In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!
Oh Lord, help me. I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!! Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak. Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.