My story...

I ran across a blog post today that challenged me.

The writer shared that we all have a story, and need to know how to tell it.  That means we actually have to know what our story is.

Much of my story has poured out here on my blog.  I have written a lot over the years, though it has tapered off some in the last months.  But just because I have found more freedom in Christ, found more joy, found more of Jesus... well that doesn't mean that my story is done.

God has so much more for me (and you).  His redeeming love has rescued me from so much.  He is rescuing me.  Daily.  He will rescue me.

I don't get it.  His wild, irrational, redeeming love.  But I am so grateful, thankful, overjoyed, humbled.  He sings over us when we are unaware.  He constantly whispers truth about ourselves and about Him in our ears.  Sometimes it takes a lot to really hear what He is saying.

Oh God, help me hear and acknowledge and really believe what it is You are saying!

This post about becoming an expert at telling your story had a challenge at the end.

He asked, "In three sentences or less, what is your story?"

Here is what I came up with, after many drafts.

"Coming from a sheltered home-life, I succumbed silently to cruel bullying in school.  After finding Christ in college, terrible depression enslaved me using my poor choices and relationships.  Ready to die, God stopped me, setting my feet on the path of freedom, teaching me transparency and dependency on Him, giving me an impossible joy."

So, I am asking you.  What is your story?  Can you express it in three sentences or less?  Will you share it with me?

Numb

I'm still feeling numb.

It seems to happen from time to time after counseling.  Last time, I was so exhausted I collapsed in the nearby bathroom sobbing.  This time, I bypassed the bathroom and went down to my car right away.  I sat there for a bit, then moved my car to a more remote part of the parking lot, and sat in a daze for a bit, and actually fell asleep for about a half hour.

When I woke, I started the car and drove to the farm to get the kids.  I pulled into the yard, and as no one was out there, turned off the car and sat in the dark, the quiet enveloping me.  I'm not sure how long I sat there till the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Tricia had prayed at the end of the session that though she had talked a lot, that I would remember what I would need to and forget the things I didn't or that weren't God's words for me to remember. 

She asked me to work on letting go of the curtains (an image in my head) that I hanging on to, to cover myself and hide myself in.  She wants me to work on, and get myself to the point that I will forgive myself for the things that I did in this relationship.  To accept God's forgiveness and to claim the truth of His word as my own, and to call the truth, the truth and a lie, a lie.  Whether my feelings follow right away or not, I need to believe the truth, to choose it and hang onto it, no matter what.

I know that is what I need to do and she is right.

But as I sat in the car at the farm, crying, all I could think of was how tired I was.  So exhausted.  So sick of fighting.  It's so hard, and all I want is to stop.  I don't want to think about anything, this relationship, this struggle for truth, taking captive my thoughts.  It's so overwhelming.  It's too much at once, and I don't know how to handle it.

I have stuffed it pretty well this past week.  Yes, emotions have popped out from time to time, but for the most part, I haven't felt either really good, or excited about anything, or really too depressed either.  I felt very "flatline" for lack of anything better.  I know I don't have to be super up or down, or have major swings to be "ok" or anything like that, nor do I want that, but it would be nice to be able to enjoy things, or grieve things if I need to.

I have to grieve the loss that I put on myself by the choices I made.  I was able to grieve the losses of other things, where I was a victim.  I was able to work through the anger there, and finally forgive the offenders.  I have been able to go through so much and find God's strength through it all.

Now, I don't have any strength of my own, and I don't feel like I have God's either.  Where is the stubbornness and determination I have had in the past?  Where is the gumption and backbone I had in the face of what I knew were enemy attacks?  I know the enemy wants to keep me bound, stuck and stalled out here.  So why am I so reluctant to fight back with the truth?

I'm not sure that I have the answer to those questions.  I'm not sure we answered those in counseling, though we might have today, I just feel so befuddled that I really don't know right now.

As we talked, Tricia reminded me one of the phrases I had used to describe myself in light of this situation was that I was filthy.

Later on, I got this image of a glass bottle - almost a jug.  Dark green, at least what you could see through the filthiness on the outside of it.  Inside were packed all my emotions.  Hate, rage and anger at this guy, at myself, I think even at God.  Grief, loss, failure, pain, shame, disgust, guilt.  It had a rubber cork in it, and I was leaning all my weight on it to keep it corked up.  I was afraid to open it, because I was afraid of all the emotions that would spill out.

At first, Tricia asked me to allow that bottle to be opened during the next two weeks, not to dump it out, but just let it open, so that the pressure wouldn't build.  But by the end, she suggested that I just work on the part of letting go of the curtain that I was hiding in, and work on the accepting God's forgiveness and love, and forgiving myself.  She "gave me permission" to leave that bottle alone until we see each other again.

I feel so numb and exhausted right now, I don't even know what to do.

I have taken my anti-anxiety meds, but still feel that pit of fear in my stomach, the one that gives me heartburn and leaves me all jumpy.  I really can't take any more of anything medication wise, and I can't really take much more emotionally either.

I don't want to work.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to do anything but curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there.  I don't want to pray, and it's been like pulling teeth to write here even.  How can I be in one place, where I am able to encourage a friend going through a rough time, and the next minute not want to do anything?  Even the things I know are good for me, that will help me and will cause me to walk closer with God?

It's just where I'm at right now, like it or not. 

Confirmation

It isn't easy when something you are sensing is confirmed by God.

A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.

I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.

It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.

So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.

But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.

I wrote that in my journal the other day.

"I feel lonely."

I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.

Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.

I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.

I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That helps me now.

I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.

I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.

I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.

I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.

I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.

Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.

Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.

But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.

Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.

This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).

Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.

I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.

I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.

I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......

....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.

With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.

There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.

God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.

I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.

But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.

I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.

I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.

Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.

If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.

He is more than enough for me.

I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

Oh Lord, help me.

Darkness creeping in....

This week I would say has "been a week."

You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.

I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.

I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.

One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.

I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.

I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.

So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?

I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.

However, there is something bothering to me.

What, you ask?

I have no idea.

But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.

But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?

I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.

I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.

It's really about being.

I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.

.... and I find this depression creeping in on me....

It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.

It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.

I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.

I am so very tired.

I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.

I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.

So this is what you get.

This girlfriend.
Struggling, hurting, confused, depressed and wanting to run.

She obeys, He frees... She Speaks Part 8

I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.

Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…

So, there I was crying in the atrium of the hotel, trying to pray and surrender everything to God.

I finally was able to settle down and practice my talk, trying to time it and smooth things out. Just in time too, as I had to head upstairs to get together with everyone in my evaluation group.

I seem like I am skimming over so much. Everyone who spoke did so well. It was good for me to know that everyone was just as nervous as I was.

One amazing thing was how God really designed all of our talks. We all had different stories, different verses to talk on, different lives. But God designed each of our talks. We really all spoke about much of the same thing. How God has created us special, with our own unique talents and gifts and backgrounds. How much He loves every one of us.

God blessed my heart through each of my sisters there.

When I got up to give my talk, I was so scared. I was afraid to open up with the story....

(I know, I have been holding back what it was, because, well, though I have talked about it here on my blog as I was working through it in counseling... it's still hard to share)

......the story of how I was raped by a boyfriend in college......

I didn't go into detail. I couldn't. I didn't have much time to even fill out the story enough, or ease into it any.

It took all I had to follow God's prompting to share that story. It led so well into why I felt separated from God, and unable to receive His love, or believe that He could love me at all. The whole verses that I picked, that God gave me, were from Romans 8:35 and 37.

You know the part:

"Who shall separate us from the love of God? Shall trouble or hardship, or persecution or famine, or nakedness, danger or sword? No, in all these things were are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

It's a reminder for me, even today, right now, this very morning as I write this. No matter my past sins, the ways I fall and stumble along, God still loves me. He still looks on me with compassion and mercy. He lavishes His grace on me. Nothing can separate me.

Nothing, not even the nakedness I felt from the rape could ever separate me from God's love... even when I felt dirty, and lived with the lies that I wasn't worth anything more than being used by others.

After sharing, I finally felt such a relief.

Not just that I had shared my talk, but that I had followed God's prompting to share some of the hardest, most painful parts of my story, trusting Him to use it as He will.

I may have the opportunity to share my story, and/or a talk soon. Like in February as I am on a committee to plan a women's retreat for our church. We probably are going to use 3 people from our church family as the speakers, as we don't have a very big budget. It seems that all three of the speakers are on the committee right now. Funny how God works like that.

It may be harder to share my story, and any message God puts on my heart, with people who I will see all the time in church. However, God has put a burden on my heart for the women in our congregation that I see every Sunday. I wonder how many of them are living with secret depression, or secret shame and hurt and guilt... with burdens that they aren't supposed to be carrying... at least not alone, without others to help them.

All I know is I walked out of the speaker evaluation group with a new lightness in me.

The only way I can describe it is as if I finally got "permission" to really share my heart, and God's heart for women in pain and bondage. I had a release of sorts. From fear, from hesitancy, from resistance.

I walked into the dinner that night, in preparation for hearing Jennifer Rothschild speak in person. I had recently read through her "Self Talk, Soul Talk" book, and was doing her bible study, "Me, Myself and Lies." Both were incredible and I was greatly looking forward to what she had to say.

I didn't expect what she said, and how she shared her heart, to touch mine as much as it did. I couldn't explain it even now, though I will try...

God used her to speak right into my heart and life right where I was at....

(to be continued)

Concerts and Dancing...

These are parts of an email I sent out earlier this week to friends for prayer.

"Please pray for me for the concerts this weekend. I am nervous… This just feels a lot different than singing up front in church or even doing special music up there. I also really want to glorify God in this. I want the audience (and choir members for that matter) to not see me, but to see God in me. God is the one really singing through me. He has given me the song in my heart, and I just want it to pour forth, without my interfering. I want God to be made known and glorified above all else.

This has been a hard year all around, and for me it is just icing on the cake that God has given me the opportunity to sing this solo. And did I mention that the solo is the hymn “Be Thou My Vision?” A different melody, but the same words. I have tried to keep Him my vision all year… and it is the prayer of my heart that He and He only will fill my vision for the rest of my days.

I open with the first verse:
“Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart, Be all else but naught to me save that thou art. Be thou my best thought in the day and the night, Both waking and sleeping, thy presence my light.”
The words of the last verse that I sing…
“Be thou and thou only the first in my heart; O Sovereign of heaven, my treasure thou art.
O Sovereign of Heaven, Be my vision, O Ruler of all.”

Talk about appropriate! I can wholeheartedly say that I praise Him for this past year or two. The pain has been worth it all. I know there are still going to be struggles, and sufferings, and pain in ways that I can’t imagine right now. But God is sovereign. He is faithful. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and to Him I will cling."

Oh my friends, I don't know if I can make you understand the depth to which God answered prayers this weekend!

I gave God my voice, and asked Him to supply the breath and tone and words and confidence to get up there and sing.

He was the one who kept me going when I was scared to death and got that huge stab of fear as I realized it was time for me to walk out of the choir and stand in front of them to sing the solo.

It was God who helped me breathe when I needed to, so that I actually had air to sing. He was the one who helped me focus on Him and the music, rather than how it might sound or be received.

Saturday night, for the first concert, I had taken some of my anti-anxiety medication a bit earlier in the evening, to help me just make it through the concert without getting sick to my stomach. I think it helped take that edge off. Enough that the words of advice and encouragement friends spoke to me, actually got through to me.

Then Sunday morning...
God did something during the worship.

When I say He met me there at church. I mean He MET me there.

When we moved into our longer set of worship, the tone of the service had already been set, and I was already open and ready for Him to speak to me. I had prayed all the way up to church from my house. I had conversed with Him in my heart all morning.

As the music started, I recognized the song immediately. I have already posted it here (It's at the bottom of that post) "Made me Glad" by Hillsong. It has quickly become one of my favorites. Just proclaiming the truth about who He is, well, it lights a fire in me.

I am not overly demonstrative in how I worship... particularily in a corporate setting.

But this song... well, first it gave me goosebumps, then the tears started. I took off my glasses. And after that I quickly became oblivious to anyone around me. It was just me and God. It was all I could do to keep from jumping up and down, or falling on my face before Him. I didn't really know which way it would have gone if I'd had the room.

I wept through the rest of the worship music.

More than anything else, it was about surrender. I had already, the night before turned the concert over to God. Through the reminder of a good friend (thank you Shelly) and the prayers of another friend who sings next to me in choir (thank you Harry). They ministered to my heart more than they will ever know.

But Sunday morning...
This was something completely different.

I felt like I was on my face before God, handing Him my heart, turning it inside out for Him, so that He could get into every last area of it. My whole life, everything, the day, the concert later on, the week...

I remember saying in my heart to Him,
"Jesus, take it, take me... take everything I have, all that I am. Do what you will with it, with me. Here, have it, I don't want it anymore. I just want You."

I specifically prayed that God would help me to sing that afternoon in the concert. And to help me to do it without my anti-anxiety meds. But also to not try to do it on my own strength, based on how well I did the night before. I asked Him to help me stand up there that afternoon, with a confidence, not in myself, but in Him.

Oh my friends, I haven't had such a sweet time of fellowship as I did that morning. Not in a very long time. Longer than I can even figure. I couldn't stop crying, and at the same time rejoicing at whatever He was doing in my heart.

I wish that I could lose myself in worship of my Lord and King, my Savior like that all the time. I know I probably can't or I would just explode or something! I hope I never get used to that intimacy with Him, because I don't want to take it for granted. At the same time, I so want to experience that depth with Him more often.

Oh to feel His heart touching mine!
To hear His voice speaking into my being!

That incredible intimacy, of being touched and blessed in a way that only God can do.

There is nothing at all that even comes close to that.

Sunday I went to the church where our concert was being held. I warmed up with the choir, I got ready, I prayed. I sat down and continued to pray, giving it all to God... even the knot in my stomach.

After the intermission, just before my song, I got another stab of anxiety like the previous night. But I took a big breath and reminded myself that "the Lord is my confidence, my strength, my portion" and I stepped out of the choir.

Again, God helped me to concentrate on the music, and on the words, and on putting my heart out there with those words... showing who He is.

I noticed a difference in me this weekend. One of the biggest things was that I was able to accept compliments with a "thank you" rather than dismissing them, or brushing them off, or saying "it was nothing." I never used to be able to accept compliments, because I felt that I wasn't good enough to be complimented on anything. I also am so critical of my performances, that I can pick apart every one and point out the mistakes. And on Sunday, though I made a mistake, I was able to let it go. Really let it go! (my counselor would be proud!) :)



It wasn't until I got to my parents house in Milwaukee on Sunday night that I realized the gift God has given me.

My husband got a short clip of my solo, the beginning of it, and posted it to You Tube here, and then sent it to my mom and dad, and myself. My mom opened it last night, and called me and dad into the office.

I listened to me singing on the computer. We re-played it. Then my dad asked if it bothered me to hear my own voice recorded like that.

I realized that it didn't. I mean it really didn't. I was comfortable with it.

God's gift to me this weekend, wasn't only the getting me through the solo, and meeting me in worship... but something much deeper.

God did another redemption.
He redeemed some years that the locusts had eaten.
He restored to me my music.

Yes, I have been using my musical gifts to serve at church and in choir.

Even so, I can't tell you how much I have doubted what I was doing. I can't tell you the times I have picked apart what I have done, dismissed it as not good enough, with the words of my student teaching supervisor ringing in my head... "your musical skills are not strong enough." Those words reinforced in me the lie that I will never be good enough, so I might as well not even try to use what I have been given, cause it will never be good enough.... God won't be able to use what I have to give, I will never measure up, and on they go....

Oh, that is gone!

Did you hear that?

It. Is. Gone.

God has given music back to me. He has healed a huge wound in me that I didn't even realize was so raw yet. He took me, weak and trembling, and set me on a stage in front of the choir and audience and helped me to sing the song in my heart. His song.

Then He showed me I don't have to be afraid to use what He has given me.

He has given me self confidence. I don't like that phrase, but it is what it is. Confidence, not in me and what I can do on my own, but confidence in Him. A complete trust that what He has given me I can use. It's this sense of security I can't quite explain. I feel grounded, and unashamed of what I can do, un-apologetic, unafraid. Because I am grounded in Him.

I feel like I can walk with my head high, and it isn't an act.

Does any of what I have written here make any sense?

I sure hope so, because I so want you to realize what God has done for me, and how huge it is...

Maybe you can't... at least not with me, but maybe He has done something big like that in your life... so in those terms you might understand a little bit.

I have been on a long journey these past few years. It is moments like these, weekends like these, that make me keep going. They show me just how much God is capable of. They show me hope. They remind me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and trust Him in all things at all times.

These are the "dancing in the streets" moments... Just like David did before the Ark of the Lord. Dancing with joyful abandon.

Cindy keeps reminding me to keep my dancing shoes handy.

Oh my friends, I am dancing today!

Please dance with me!

Know that our God is more than able to redeem anything, and everything... and He longs to heal you.

If He has healed me and continues to, He can heal you too... surrender to Him and let Him work.

On the road, not just walking, but dancing with Jesus,

this is where I am...

I am writing right now with the extreme background noise of 2 kids half playing, half fighting.

Please forgive me if this post becomes rather disjointed.

Where I am today…. I am not sure. I am much calmer than this weekend. Still dealing with depression for sure.

My friend Cindy, helped me talk through things some this weekend (and did a couple of incredible posts yesterday). As we talked and emailed back and forth, she made a few comments and asked some questions that helped me start to pinpoint something that has been bothering, niggling at the back of my mind, that I just didn’t realize consciously until now.

I feel dumb saying it even.

But I am dealing with losing my counselor, Tricia.

I mean, she didn’t die or anything, but I feel like it almost.

We went through so much together during our time of counseling. I prayed for her, I know she prayed for me. She asked questions that prompted me to press on into greater healing. But it was more than that, to me at least.

She really became a friend. By the end of our time together, I really did consider her a friend. As much as I consider Cindy a dear friend and sister, Tricia was my friend and sister as well. A sister in Christ, a friend who would listen and help me and encourage me, and push me to do what God wanted me to. She has great wisdom, I know given to her by God, great passion for helping see people come into freedom, healing and wholeness. She has a great love for God, a passion to follow Him, and it shows in her every interaction. She has a big heart, filled with compassion.

She wouldn’t be a good counselor without these things.
These things also won her a place in my heart as a friend.

I understand, intellectually that there has to be a break so that I don’t “depend” on her when I need to learn to stand on my own with God. But just as Cindy has come alongside me during this time, and also given great wisdom, counsel and love, so did Tricia. My heart says that Tricia is as much of a friend to me as Cindy is.

With Cindy I am able to call her and share some insights that I have learned or struggles I am having, and give and receive help. I can encourage Cindy and get together for a cup of coffee or a meal, and enjoy fellowship with her. We can share things that we have been learning from God, from books we are reading, anything like that.

I used to be able to do that with Tricia. I used to make note of something that I read, or that I felt God telling me, and save it to share with her. I can’t do that anymore. That avenue has been cut off to me.

I feel like there has been a death.

I guess there has been. The death, however long or short it might be till I see her again, of my friendship with Tricia.

Cindy told me of some things that happened with her and her husband after her husband’s mother died. It sounded familiar to me.

They would find out good or bad news and realize they couldn’t just pick up the phone.
They missed her and realized they couldn’t get in the car and drive to see her.
They would read something, or want her prayers.
They would want to pray for her.
They would just want to connect, even briefly.
But she was gone, out of their reach. Though they will see her in heaven, they can’t see her anymore on this earth.

That’s what it feels like to me. Because we have to stay separate, for a time at least now that counseling is finished, Tricia and I can have no real contact… not talking together type of contact. And God reminded me of something yesterday afternoon. What is the guarantee that we will even see each other once that time frame is over? God could call one of us home before then. Or call us to a different city, state, whatever, and we might never get in contact with each other.

I am grieving.

I can’t help it. By stuffing it, I have been causing myself more depression and hurt.

I also was fighting God on it. I felt Him speaking directly to my heart yesterday.

I could see myself back in His lap, in the lap of Jesus. And He reached His nail-scarred hands into that box and pulled out a big jagged piece of my heart. I cringed as I saw He meant to put it, heal it, into the living flesh of my heart. I knew how raw skin against that piece would feel. I didn’t want it.

I turned my face away, in my heart telling Him no. I pressed my face against His chest, ashamed at my fear, ashamed at my refusal.

He gently reminded me that healing comes with a price. There is pain in healing. But there is relief from pain. He reminded me of when I had my c-section with my daughter. The pain I had after that surgery. The pain reminded me that my body was doing what it needed to, to heal, and reminded me of something else. Something much more precious. I had my daughter in my arms, not in my womb anymore. I could see her, hold her, touch her, and rejoice in the relationship I could now have with her.

But it took pain to get there.

So, am I willing to face that pain now?

I am going to try.

I am heading up to the church, hopefully within the next half hour, to spend some time with God and try to allow Him to heal that piece into place in my heart… to allow myself to really grieve through the loss of a friendship. I know that it will be a long process, not a one time thing, but I need this one time thing to get me started.

Please pray for me that I will be able to let go and let God.

And then I will have a precious treasure, something that I can rejoice over. I can rejoice in the relationship that I had with Tricia. Maybe soon I will be able to rejoice that I will see her again, hopefully in this life, but if not, in the one to come.

Right now, I am still filled with tears and sadness.

I know that no one can say what is ok to grieve and what isn’t, or if anything is too little to grieve over. I still feel like some won’t understand why this is such a big thing for me…

But there it is.

And I know that I need to be on my face before God and surrender to His healing hands.

Pain, and hopefully healing.

"Self talk, Soul Talk," Chap. 8; Look back...

Yesterday as I sat down to read this weeks chapter, I had no idea what I was getting into.
If you want to see how others responded to this chapter, pop on over to Lelia’s site and check out the links from there!

Each week, Jennifer has sent me on different paths, all of them being very important as I have finished my counseling and have been adjusting to needing to catch myself in the things that normally my counselor would have talked over with me.

This week talked about something that I have realized before. Something that I think is what my blog has, in part, become about.

Jennifer talked about how it is so important to look back to memories in our life and see how God has worked through them and in them. And how He has redeemed them.

“Reviewing our milestones gives us a chance to mark progress and keep on the right path. It affords an opportunity to remember.”

“The real power of any moment is fully realized when it is remembered. The experience might have been painful or pleasant, but its intensity and meaning grow when we remember and reflect upon it, when we place it alongside those milestone moments we’ve stowed away in our thought closets.”

When I was in counseling, it was a lot of time reviewing painful memories. Some of them horrific as Jennifer mentioned. Those memories were just horrible. Some of them so bad that I had blocked the worst of them out.

But, as we worked through them, a little at a time, God started re-defining them, re-labeling them. He helped me work through them, processing the memories so that I could come to terms with them, and helping me get to the point where I could see how He was working through them.

The painful memories are still that. Painful. However, I do know that God will work them together for good.

“He can make even painful memories profitable as He gives meaning to them.”

It has also been good to look back at the good memories too. The wonderful, amazing things that God has done in my life, the times of celebration, the times of joy I have experienced. Those things have become more and more precious to me as I have looked back at them. In that, Jennifer is right. When we look back at our experiences, they have purpose and value and they are part of our stories.

Our souls do need to look back and not forget what has happened in the past… not only to not forget what has made us who we are, but to remember what God has done through those experiences. How He has proven so faithful.

One of the biggest things for me that I never want to forget is one of the most significant ways God showed me how He was healing me, in the midst of my counseling.

He took something that was in my mind’s eye, a big black box that I was afraid to open. God took it and made it into a white box that wasn’t too hard for me to open. I was sitting in Jesus’ lap, and He took bits of my heart out of that box, and slowly was healing them together. I was held securely in His lap as He picked each piece out and healed it back into my heart… and then He leaned over and blew the breath of His Spirit into my heart, turning from fragile and breakable, to a living heart of flesh.

There is so much more to the image, but you can read more about that HERE.

Ever since then, I have looked back fairly regularly to that post, and to my journaling from that time.

Both have served as great reminders of what God has done. How He has redeemed my past, how He has himself restored me, and made me strong, firm, and steadfast.

This blog has definitely been a way to mark the milestones in my life, and I am so glad that you are going on the journey with me, and that you can see and celebrate the milestones with me!

Fears... Advent of Joy #12

Fears.

Fears from the past… of the past… cripple us.

They cause us to fear the future…

We are afraid to face the pain in our past, so we cope poorly in the present. Our poor coping in the present makes it hard to face the future, therefore we fear the future.

How many times have we talked to, or heard of, people who had no memory of certain areas of their life, where they had lost whole chunks of their life from the past?

I was watching a show last night talking with someone who was very overweight. After starting to work on diet, exercise and strength training, they started to see if there was something else that could cause her to turn to food. She talked about how fear drove her life. Fear of dieting and things not changing. Fear of not doing it, and dying because she gained or stayed the same. Fear of her past.

She said that she remembered nothing of her childhood prior to the age of about 13. So she was encouraged to talk to family members, and look at old pictures to see if that would help jog her memory. Because they wondered if something from her past that was blocked out was a key to why she was escaping into food.

I never thought that would be something for me. I mean I never thought I would find an area of my life that was completely blacked out. And I didn’t realize that it was blocked out until after I started to remember it. It wasn’t a whole chunk of my life, but it was a portion of a relationship in my life. One night. But that was all it took. I lived in fear. In fear of remembering.

I never even knew it… I mean I NEVER even knew that I was living in fear in and because of what I had forgotten.

Until I remembered it.

Between looking up the phrases, “Fear not,” “be not afraid,” and “do not be afraid,” I came up with 86 different verses. Why would God address fear… even in just these verses… so much?
The enemy uses fear so much in our lives, to cripple us and keep us from moving forward in our life. Emotionally and spiritually we are unable to mature, because we are held in bondage to a fear, or multiple fears.

God knows that we are suseptible to fear. He also knows that our first inclination is to try to stop the fear ourselves. Think of Adam and Eve. When their eyes were “opened” they saw they were naked, tried to cover themselves, and then hid in fear when the heard the Lord in the garden. They hid because they were afraid. They lied because they were afraid. They tried to cover themselves up because of shame and fear.

And we have been living with fear ever since.

How much do you try to cover yourself, to protect yourself. How much do you hide who you really are because of fear? How much do you eat, or drink, or exercise, or read or shop or… to cover up your fear, to make it disappear for a while, so that you feel less fearful, even for a little bit? How much does your fear keep you running from things that might cause you pain?

In Isaiah God addresses fear directly.
“Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy. He is the one you are to fear; He is the one you are to dread. And He will be a sanctuary…”
Isaiah 8:12-14a

We are to fear God alone. Because He is holy. We are to have a healthy fear of Him… a dread of Him because of how holy He is. I think of Isaiah’s response when He saw himself in the presence of the Lord. He was filled with fear, basically fearing death because he was in the presence of the Holy God, and God’s holiness revealed to him just how dirty he was… and that his dirtiness (sin) deserved death.

Praise God that He sent us His Son to die on our behalf so that when we see and recognize the holiness of God, and are, by contrast, able to see our dirtiness, we are not killed! If we have trusted in Jesus, He took that punishment for us, and God does not see us any other way but clean, through Christ’s cleansing blood.

We aren’t to be afraid of the things of this world. I mean, look at the economy, the rising cost of food, difficulties in securing loans, and everything else going on. Looking at those things can cause great fear. If we start dwelling on them, if I start dwelling on them, and the immediate problems here at home, I find myself living in great fear. When I am living in that fear, then I find myself starting to do things in my own strength and power to try to fix things.

But we are not called to fear what the world fears… its predictions of disasters and conspiracies.

God alone is worthy of our fear, our reverence, our awe. And we should never allow that fear of Him to drive us away from Him. It should drive us closer to Him. To His Son. To Jesus, who gives us access to God through His blood.

We are free, and despite any other fears, we can rejoice in that.

We can rejoice in our healthy fear of God, because we know that He is the only One who really matters, in the end.

He is our sanctuary. We can dwell within His presence, and worship Him there. He will keep us safe from the fears of the world. No matter how the storms of the world affect our lives, we can live in peace and joy in His sanctuary.

That is the reminder I need this advent season.

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.”
Luke 2:10

The thief...

I remember my friend Amy writing a post not that long ago talking about how depression comes in like a thief.

She is right.

Depression.
It has been stalking me.

Depression.
It caught up with me this past week.

Depression, as Amy said, tries to rob our peace and joy. Rather, the enemy uses it to steal the blessings of God. Actually, I will amend that again. He can’t steal the blessings of God. They have been given to us by God and can’t be taken away. The enemy actually comes in and tries to keep us from recognizing the blessings, from using the blessings and power God has given us. The enemy tries to prey on things he knows we have fallen victim to in the past.
He focuses on clouding our feelings, feeding us little lies that we base our feelings on. If I am feeling like God is not answering my prayers, if I feel like He is not caring about my problems and struggles and concerns… well, I get depressed, I feel sad and angry. I feel lost and alone. But though the feelings are real, they are based on lies.

As I have been writing this, I have just realized the above. I need to take the time out (once the kids are in the bath) and just focus on some main truths of who I am in Christ, His love for me, and the riches He has poured out upon me. I am going to take the time to soak in some scripture to counteract the lies I have found in my mind.

I was a mess all day today. The depression I can deal with. I know that part of it, and the anxiety, could be chemical imbalances. I can deal with that. It is the feeling of complete isolation, and loneliness, and the feeling of being totally left alone by God.

I wasn’t thinking clearly all day. I feel like right now… as I started writing this post… that my mind is clear for the first time. I may still have all the emotions (and I do for sure) but at least God has helped clear my mind and see where I was allowing my thoughts to go.
I called my sweet friend Cindy today, and she talked with me a bit about some significant issues that I am dealing with right now. Almost as soon as we started talking, I started crying. As she prayed for me, I just sobbed.

Maybe I just needed a good cry. Maybe I just needed that little bit to lie down and not have to “do” anything. Maybe I just needed to talk with someone who really knows me and understands. And that was what has helped me.

Maybe.
Maybe that’s what someone else might think.

I choose to believe that the clearing up of my head, and the confusion that has cleared somewhat, the peace that I find stealing over my thought processes… that is from God. I choose to believe that He is answering the prayers of Cindy. I choose to believe that His answers come at just the right time. Whether that is in my timing or not doesn’t matter. I mean, it matters to me, to my feelings, and if I think that the answers are coming too late, I get upset and frustrated and impatient, and hurt. But I need to learn to let go… and let God do what He is going to do. Because He knows best.

In the meantime, I have got to find a way to get my mind and heart to believe and trust God. I want to allow Christ to fill my heart and mind with His presence and His thoughts. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to prompt and guide and convict me… and to minister to my hurting heart, my bruised emotions. I need the healing balm to cover over me and touch every part of my mind, heart and spirit.

Nothing less will do.

He is all I want.
He is all I have ever needed.

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

I want that life to the full. The enemy has been trying to steal, kill and destroy…. He has wreaked havoc in my emotional life. You wouldn’t know it to look at the outside. I have been able to continue doing what I need to do for my family. I have been keeping up on the kitchen cleaning, I have kept up on laundry (pretty well) and have been able to consistently keep food on the table. I have been functioning better than I used to when depression really hit me. So that is a big sign of healing for me.

But this is the first time that I can remember that depression has really hit me in the last couple of months with any type of force. When I was working through things I expected it. But this took me by surprise.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
John 10:27-30

I will cling to the truth that I shall never perish, and that God is greater than all, and that no one, no one, can ever snatch me out of His hand.

If I memorize and meditate on these verses alone… well, talk about security no matter the circumstances swirling around me. I am held securely in the Father’s hands, I have been given eternal life, Jesus knows me, and is one with His father, and because He is in me, I am one with Him.

The song in my heart...

I discovered the song in my heart when I was in junior high…

…when I started singing in the school choir…

I didn’t realize at the time it had been placed there by God.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I had a choir director who was absolutely amazing. I fell in love with her, and how she had such a passion for music. She was able to get us to do things that we never thought we could do. As a sophomore in high school, and she had me sing a solo for the Christmas concert. I never thought I could do that before. She inspired me.

The next year, I had another wonderful choir director, who became my voice teacher later on, and who is now a dear friend. Again, she had a passion for music, for musicianship, and for teaching and leading others to learn and love music as much as she did.

Between the influence of those two teachers, I determined that I wanted to be like them, and use music to inspire and influence others. I wanted to be in a high school setting where I could inspire others to find the gifts that were hidden in them, just as much as my singing voice had been hidden in me. I never realized that was a gift I had until they helped reveal it to me.

So, I went to UW-Steven’s Point, where one of the teachers had gone. I was accepted into the music education program, and pursued that degree with enthusiasm.

In the process of coming to that campus, I learned about Christ.

A non-Christian friend of mine invited me to a off campus musical rehearsal. It ended up being hosted by a nearby church, and was about the life of Jesus. I was thrown by the devotion of some of these students to God, to each other in love, to seeking His will in their lives. Jesus was so evident in them, and as I learned more, I wanted what they had. I made the choice to accept the grace of God so evident in their lives.

I continued through my courses and classes, and filled my requirements. There were times I burned out (a side effect of classes that had few credits but lots of requirements) and just coasted the best I could to get through them.

I had some setbacks in my 4th year of classes in my personal life, and was struggling with a major load of insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. But I came to the end of my classroom work, and went ahead with my semester of student teaching.

At the time, I was scared, but I headed into it. I really liked the teacher I was going to be under for the high school portion of my student teaching. She had the same passion I remembered from my teachers in high school.

There was only one problem. As soon as I walked into the classroom, and had to get up in front of the class to run warm ups, or start rehearsing songs, I panicked. You wouldn’t have seen it from the outside, but in the way I handled myself looking back, I can see I never gave myself a chance. I was too scared. I didn’t hold myself with confidence.

Just like animals can tell you are afraid, so can kids. It doesn’t matter what front you put up. They can sense it. Even if they didn’t take advantage of it, and these kids NEVER did, they also were aware, I think, that I just didn’t know what the heck I was doing up in front of them.

When my university supervisor came in for the first time to observe me at the high school level, I had run a full class period rehearsal only once.

The day before.

The rehearsal didn’t run smoothly. Later that week, the teacher made some comment to me that she wanted to smooth over and straighten out the kids on a couple of songs that I had run with them.

That immediately showed me I had done nothing right.

The next time my supervisor came in to observe me, I hadn’t run a full rehearsal at all between the two times he came in. I had no chance to get the feel for a 45 minute class period, much less have the time and opportunity to be in front of the kids, and “hear” what was going on. It took lots of listening and practice, things I just didn’t get there.

When he came in, he brought a video recorder, and put it in the middle of the risers the kids were on, so that it would video me as I directed. It was a teaching tool for me, so I could see what the kids saw, from their perspective. (I have to admit, I watched it once, and only about 10 minutes of it… that’s all I could handle)

To give the kids their credit, they knew what he was there for, and they were on their best (and I mean BEST) behavior. Not because I asked them to, but because they liked me and wanted me to succeed. But when we all could hear a problem in the song, and I wasn’t able to get them to correct it no matter what, they got frustrated and so did I. So I did a no-no and moved on to the next song, leaving the former problem unresolved, because nothing I did seemed to fix it.

Needless to say, my supervisor (and cooperating teacher) weren’t thrilled with my performance. Nor can I blame them.

I headed into my elementary portion completely defeated. I ended up getting dropped in feet first into boiling water. It was swim or drown.

I swam…

…and did relatively well

…to my own shock…

My elementary teacher was sick and out of school for my whole second week with her. She basically told me to do what teaching I felt comfortable with, and to play musical games with the classes I wasn’t comfortable with.

I ended up teaching full classes for grades 1-4 and told the 5th and 6th graders that if they cooperated with me and stayed with me through 15 minute lessons that week, I would give them 15 minutes of “musical bingo” complete with candy prizes for the winners. The week went really well, and after that I gained confidence.

I was nervous, but fairly confident in my skills when my supervisor came in to observe me with my second graders.

I had prepared the lesson plan, and had 2 classes I was to teach before he would critique me. The first class, halfway through, I realized I had too much material. So I cut things and managed to get the kids to a point where they learned the basic theme and point of my lesson plan. As I was making quick notes to myself for the next class, the first class was leaving, and the second class was coming down the hall.

After both classes were done, I got the impression from my supervisor that I did well with modifying my lesson plan on the fly. And though there were some things that were weak, I overall did pretty well.

A week later, I was called by the supervisor for a meeting with him and my music education chair. When I got to the office, my supervisor told me I had 3 choices.

1. Drop out of the education program and graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in Music.
2. Drop out of the student teaching, take a few more classes the following semester and try student teaching the following fall.
3. Continue student teaching, and attempt to improve my musical skills. I would not be recommended for secondary music ed. (no surprise there) and he might not recommend me for elementary music ed, unless I markedly improved.

I cried through the whole meeting. I managed to get myself to the car, and back to the elementary school, held together through the end of the day, and then cried as I told my teacher what had happened. She gave me the weekend to think about it, and asked me to let her know on Monday.

I was told my musical skills were not strong enough. I already spent many late nights in the Fine Arts building practice rooms, working on my lesson plans and the music. I couldn’t add any more hours there. If that wasn’t enough, and didn’t guarantee a recommendation for at least elementary music certification, what was the point of keeping going?

I ended up dropping out, graduating, and working at McDonald’s and an insurance company to keep the bills paid.

And I hurt.

I had no home church at the time, and didn’t for a long time. I eventually started using my music again. A little at a time. But I shied away from any leadership or teaching positions, and if I got into one, I was petrified every time.

That is what is behind all my insecurities about any musical skill I may have. A dream I had of being a music teacher was crushed. Partially it was my own bad choices, and other things that distracted me from my goal while I was in college, and partially a supervisor who didn’t handle things as well as he could have.

I thank him now for his honesty with me, because I don’t think I would have fit in the classroom the way I had hoped.

But I am very hurt by how he showed me that.

It wasn’t gentle correction, it was a slap in the face.

There was no tact involved, there was no concern about how this might affect me, or how he could help me overcome my obstacles.

It was quit or keep going and maybe not ever reach my goal. I was left feeling that he didn’t know me, he never tried to, never cared to try, that he didn’t care if I succeeded or failed, and didn’t care what his words did to me.

I was never treated with such coldness before, and when it related so directly to a deep love of my heart, for music and the joy it brought me…

…well, it stilled the song in my heart.

It made me fear that I had been wrong all along, and that I had only been chasing a pipe dream. It made me believe that I had no skills in music, that I was fooling myself, and others were only being kind when they complimented me.

Ever since, I’ve wondered deep down if I really had a song in my heart…

…or if it was all just a dream…

**************

But I know in my head that God did give me that song in my heart…

…that He never took it away…
…and I pray that I will believe that one day…

Anger, healing, and my God...

I’m angry.

Angry at God.

There.
I said it.

And it looks just as bad as I thought it would.

As I went through that awful experience… as he was hurting me, as I was trapped and helpless, with no voice and nowhere to go… in my head, I was screaming, over and over, “God help me!!!” And He didn’t. Here He is, fully aware of every situation. Fully able to act in everything. Yet, He chose not to act. He chose to let me go through that.

I know that there probably is a reason. I know that He will end up using this for good somehow. I know that He will heal me. I know that I may never know why I had to endure that. I know that I had free will walking into that situation. I know that guy had free will too, and I was affected by that.

But God could have stopped it. He didn’t.

Tricia said that though God didn’t answer my desperate plea that night, He is answering it now. It wasn’t in my timing, but His. He is helping me now. He was with me then, whether I knew it or not, and He is helping me now, whether I feel it or not.

I have to believe that.

Or I am going to go crazy. I am going to drive myself crazy with trying to deal with feelings that aren’t lining up with the truth. I have to start believing the truth.

…or I will start living a lie…
…that my God isn’t big enough…

If I just give those words lip service; if I don’t believe that He was there, saw it all, saw the wounds it was making, caused me to forget it till I could deal with it, and is walking me through it now; I start putting God into a box of someone who is uncaring, willing to act at random, and unpredictable in his showing love for me vs. wrath towards me. I make Him into a god who is not the all powerful, loving, faithful God that I know He is.

I have to believe that He was there. I have to believe, though no one else heard a sound…

*My God heard the screaming in my head.
*My God wept with me as I tried to hide the hurt, and terror as I later lay on the bed.
*My God saw me go into the bathroom and try to clean myself up and pull myself back together… unable to look in the mirror.
*My God held me the next few days as I ached from the violence of it all, and woke up shaking, sick from nightmares.
*My God stayed by me as, with His help, I carefully constructed a thick-walled room to completely block myself from remembering that rape.
*My God was with me 2 1/2 years ago while a friend prayed with me on the phone, and I felt His Presence with me, telling me that He accepted me… accepted me because I am beautiful and precious to Him, that He loves me and I am His.
*My God was with me 2 days later as I remembered this rape for the first time in ten years.
*My God has been with me as I have started to walk through processing this, and getting the pain and poison out of the wound.

He is opening the deep wound, cutting away the dead, scarred tissue. He is cleaning it out, and dressing it and wrapping it with a bandage. And at each appointment in His office, He is opening up the bandage again, cleaning it out some more, taking out more of the infection, re-dressing it, and re-bandaging it.

It hurts each time He exposes it to the air. It smells of rottenness and poison.

And the pain…
oh the pain is beyond describing…
only groans, too deep for words to express, can even begin to tell of the pain inside…
pain that is starting to come out with gut wrenching moans and cries…
pain that I am finally allowing myself to mourn, to grieve, to sob over.

My God, my Healer, brings me back time and again to His office. He uses my counselor, Tricia, in that office. She becomes my God’s gentle hands, touching, guiding and moving me to a place where I am able to deal with the pain. She becomes my God’s quiet voice, talking me through everything He is doing. Through her, He opens up that wound as much as I can bear for that visit to His office.

*He gives Tricia the wisdom, insight, and discernment she needs to be His hands and voice to me.
*He gives me the strength, courage, and desire to sit and cooperate in His cleansing and healing.

I leave that office exhausted. I leave it many times shaking with nearly overwhelming pain and a sick feeling in my stomach. But I leave it with a strong hug and encouragement from my counselor. I leave Tricia behind as I walk out of the office, but I never leave my Great Physician behind. I know that my God is walking out of there with me, getting me home safely, caring for me as I try to carry on with my normal, everyday living.

I still don’t know the reason I have had to go through this. To be honest, the answers that He will use this to help someone else, or strengthen me, or that He will work all this for the good, really don’t satisfy right now. Even if they are true.

To say that this experience, even the process of healing, has formed me into who I am today, that I can accept… but much more than that right now, I don’t know.

I am still in process.

I am still in the midst of grieving what was done to me. I am still mourning the bad choices I made. I am still in the process of forgiving him… of forgiving myself… of accepting the grace and forgiveness that God is extending to me.

I am still angry with God. I found myself at our family group today. I shared a bit of what I have shared here, about being angry with God. I shared a bit of the experience I went through. I also shared that I was finding it very hard to admit that I am angry at God for allowing this… because I can’t be mad at God… but I am.

As we entered into a time of prayer, almost as soon as we quieted ourselves, I felt myself turning to God and nearly yelling at Him, “I am so angry at You. It hurt so much! I am furious You let this happen!” And then I collapsed sobbing into His arms.

The image, and the nearly physical feeling I had, was of seeing a parent holding their child, loving on them, while the child is so angry that she is beating against her parent’s chest with her little fists… unable to hurt her parent, unable to get out of that loving embrace… and finally the child stops resisting the hug, and falls to sobbing in the safety of her parent’s love.

I am that child I saw as we prayed.
I am still angry.
I am still crying.
I am still confused.
I am still hurt.
But:
I am still healing.
And:
I am still in His arms.

That night. A dark room, once locked...

How do I write about the pain in my heart?

The ache in my gut?

The thick feeling of tears, stuck in my throat?

I don’t know if I can share what caused it.
I don’t know if I can explain.
Or even if I should.

What I can say is what I have been feeling this past week.

Shame.
Guilt.
Dirty.
Condemned.
Oppressed.

Feeling like there is a weight on me holding, pushing me down.

Feeling like no matter what I do, no matter how much I distract myself, no matter how much I try to clean myself… it’s not good enough to clean away the memories of what happened to me.

I will be honest here. I hope and pray it doesn’t hurt or recall bad memories for anyone else. I will share what caused these feelings, thoughts, emotions. Hoping that it might help someone else, give someone else the courage to face their past, encourage someone else to know they are not alone… hoping that God will redeem this, too, in my life.

One beautiful summer afternoon, at the end of a college year, I drove to my boyfriend’s house, about a half hour away, anticipating a quiet evening of dinner and a movie. And, what I remembered until about 2 years ago, was just that. A quiet evening of dinner and a movie. However, one day, after God had gotten me to the point of being able to deal with at least some of the memories, something else started to surface.

I realized the evening started a different way. It started, not in the kitchen, but in the bedroom. This in and of itself was not out of the ordinary, even in our short 3 weeks or so of dating. However, what took place there, was anything but the ordinary. It wasn’t loving. It didn’t make me feel loved. It was twisted. Violent. Abusive. It left me dazed at the suddenness; shaking from the pain.

I remember him later, acting like I should have enjoyed it. I was so shocked in the midst of it, I couldn’t tell him “no,” much less respond or fight to get away. He left me, going into the kitchen to make dinner. I pulled myself together enough to get past him and into the bathroom. I cleaned myself up, unable to bear looking in the mirror, put on the mask as I came back out into the kitchen, and acted “appropriately affectionate,” eating dinner with him and watching a movie.

There are more details, but they wouldn’t be edifying or needful to understand what I am going through now. Essentially though, I repressed the memories of the terrible things that happened, and never remembered, acknowledged, or even guessed that they existed. I locked them away in a deep, dark room, hoping to leave them there forever.

Now that the locked room has been opened, I can really remember what happened that night.

Before Tricia and I started working through it in counseling, I could see that night in 3rd person. Now, having gone through a couple of sessions, I can see bits and pieces of it in 1st person, where I am actually seeing/feeling it through my own eyes.

As awful as it is, I think this whole process is about getting me to the point where I am actually able to experience it again, at least to the point of feeling the emotions of it, so that I can work through them… or rather, let God heal me through them. So that I am not carrying them around with me anymore.

When I was at counseling this week, I told Tricia that I felt our previous session had not done what normally happens. Up to this point, usually the EMDR therapy helps parts of the memories or all of it fade into the background.

I guess the best way to explain it is when a memory is all charged up with the emotions from it that aren’t resolved, it is in bright living color. Once the emotions from it have been worked through, and I have come to terms with it to a certain extent, the color starts to bleed out of the picture… it goes to black and white. Yes, it happened, and it affected me, but the hold it had on me is gone, the lies that attached to it have been addressed and are starting to be replaced by the Truth.

The previous session almost seemed to enhance the memory of that night. The colors got brighter, I remembered more detail. But the emotions that I know are there… the fear, pain, anger, loathing, self-hate, grief… are buried.

Tricia and I started to get into it, but had to stop due to time constraints. She wanted to make sure that I was in a place where she could help me return to “normal” and be able to get through the next couple of weeks, even leave her office, feeling more emotionally stable.

As we were talking, she asked me how I was feeling. I told her that I could almost physically feel what had happened to me, so she said that we should go there if I was willing. We did, and though I didn’t tell her then, I got so frustrated. I could physically feel some of the pain, could feel the tears welling up, could feel from a distance, the anguish that wanted to surface. But it never came out.

All I could see was darkness, feeling smothered. I remember crying a little bit. I remember gasping, either in pain, or for air, I don’t know which. Tricia stopped the therapy at that point, had me take some deep breaths, and helped remind me that I was still safe in her office, not having it happen to me again.

Looking back now, I see that the dark room I’d locked these memories away in had opened, but all I could see was that darkness, and knowing the emotional pain lurking in there somewhere, I honestly was afraid to explore that room or go more than a few steps from the door, based on the pain I was already feeling.

After Tricia helped me calm down and relax some, she asked me how I was doing. I told her that I didn’t know. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to make it through the two weeks until we saw each other again. I said that I honestly didn’t know if I could get through with all this hanging over me.

It’s like the images of what happened that night are super-imposed over everything I am doing. It doesn’t matter what I’m involved in. I am aware of it almost all the time. And if I am not directly aware of the images, the resulting feelings of shame and worthlessness, guilt and fear are there, and affect how I act in every situation.

We decided to put in an extra session this coming week. Tricia said that it is a safety net for me, if I need it, use it. If I am feeling better, skip it and wait until the next scheduled appointment. I looked at her and said that I felt like I hit such a road block, that putting in an extra session made me feel like I was going backwards, after feeling so good about going out to every other week. She told me that she had many clients who needed to have a bit of extra time to get through something, and then were able to continue on past it.

Tricia related it to road construction. She said that sometimes the planned road ahead is blocked, and even though it takes extra time, there is nothing you can do but follow the detour signs. It might take a bit longer to get to where you are going, but you are still moving forwards, not backwards.

She reminded me that we may just have to come at this from a different angle, a different direction.

So, for now I am trying to hang on.

I am raw. I am hurting. I am scared. I don’t know where else to turn, but to God.

I can’t do much more on my own. I don’t have much more to give. I have no reserves. I need filling. I have started to memorize Psalm 34. I just need some solid truth to cling to right now. There is no better way to cling to the truth, than to already have it in your head, able to meditate on it in the night watches… those lovely times when I am lying awake on my bed, unable to sleep or rest or anything… when disturbing images and thoughts are plaguing me.

Please pray for me as I look at this busy weekend, as I look at the things I want to do, versus the things I need to do, for me and for others. Pray as I look ahead to this week’s counseling, and try to determine if I need it or not. Pray that I would get the chance for some alone time, some time to process and work through things. Pray that God would be my strength. I can’t do this alone, I can’t do this myself.

I want to get through that darkness, have God’s Light flood that room and clear out the shadows. I want God to show me the truth about me and about that night, so that I can finally let go of it. Another thing to lay down and walk away from, never to turn back and dredge up again. I want to get out of the chains that have bound me for so long to that night.

Idols and lies... and the one, true God

“Just watched… Just another confirmation from God… Just amazing grace… Just you ask? Sometimes I think of how God looks at me now… just as if I’d never sinned… sometimes I think of how God answers prayer… just at the right time… yes it’s our JUST GOD at work again as He always is…”

This was the response I got from a dear friend of mine after she had watched part of a video I linked to her.

How true is that? Our God is so just, so wonderful, so mighty, so loving, so powerful, so gentle with us. Through my friend and some difficult things she is working on in her own life with God, He spoke into my life in a powerful way.

He showed me the ways He has been guiding me up to this point, this summer. He placed me in a bible study through Living Proof Ministries, organized by Beth Moore. It is a study based on identifying your idols… functional idols in your life that give you something that only God can fill. They function for a time, but never fully satisfy, and so leave you hungry… for more. But God is the only one who can fill us to the full.

Isaiah 46 talks about how our man made idols weigh us down and become burdens to us. We end up carrying the idols that we have made. I wrote the following in my journal after reading the first part of Isaiah 46.

“I didn’t get it at first, (when I read the passage) but we are the weary beasts. I am. Anything that I am holding in my life above You, it is something I physically have to hold up above me to block out the view of You. And holding up these things, carrying them is so hard and weighs me down and makes me even more exhausted.”

Isaiah 46:3-4 says, “Listen to me, O house of Jacob, and all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been upheld by Me from birth, Who have been carried from the womb: Even to your old age I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you."

I don’t need to carry those burdens any longer. I can lay them down. Instead of carrying my idols, and keeping them as gods in my life, God is carrying me. Maybe this is what God is referring to when He said in Matthew 11:28-30.

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Once I let go of the things I think I need, I can take up Jesus, and find that in my everything, He is carrying me. He has been carrying me. He will carry me. I need to confess the things that I have been carrying and lay them at the foot of the cross.

I have a choice, and so do you…

Like me, you may be thinking, “But they are such big things in my life. How do I lay them down?”

I know I will try to pick them up again and again. They are comfortable and familiar. Some of the things are good things, like singing and playing piano for worship team, writing here and in my journal, my husband… oh, so many more… too many to name. But when they are taken to extremes, and in the deepest part of my heart I become proud of them or possessive of them, then they veer off course and I end up carrying them, holding them above my head in aching arms, but afraid to let them down and see the Son shining in my eyes, and reveal me for who I truly am.

Yet who I truly am really isn’t bad, because I am a daughter of the King. How bad is that? I can have everything given to me, I have only to ask. So why is it so hard to lay the things down that I cling to so much?

Maybe it is because many times we can’t see that we are holding onto a lie. That it is deceptive, wrong and painful to us. I can’t see that I am feeding on ashes at the foot of an idol that cannot deliver me and can only burden me more and beat me into the ground.

God so longs to give me good spiritual food and drink. Healthy and wholesome. He wants me to come and lay my burdens down, and take up His because only then will I find rest for my soul.
This bible study has been confirming all along that is what He wants to have me do. It has been His amazing grace to me that has opened my eyes and let me see. He has confirmed gifts in me, with the warning to not grow prideful and twist something that is good, and depend on it so much that it becomes an idol.

God sees the things in my past, but forgives me all the same, just as if they had never been. He answers prayers that have been prayed over me for the past 3+ years… not when I wanted, not when the people praying for me wanted, but slowly, gradually in His own time… at the perfect time. He is always working whether I see it or not.

And it’s when I don’t see it that I tend to make idols, hoping they will give me the quick answer I want, fill the need I want. Numb the pain, get rid of the hurt, keep more painful things from happening. But that isn’t how God works, and I have had to learn patience. Hard when you are in the midst of a trial.

So many of these things several main idols that I can see, have been a part of me for so long, they look so huge and intimidating, and I wonder if I can really lay them down. Am I even willing to?

Tonight I made a choice to lay them down and ask God to help me root them out of my life. I made a verbal, out loud choice of my will to lay down my idols. My heart isn’t fully there yet, because I know it is going to be a painful process. But what isn’t? Cleansing and purifying our lives can be painful, and can take time. I have been cleansing my life this year through counseling, and it has been very painful… but oh, so rewarding.

I have grown so much closer to God. Even through my mistakes He has continues to call to me. Our just God has been endlessly, unchangeably wanting me to come to Him. When I realize that my way isn’t working, He wants me to fall to my knees, exhausted from all my posturing, manipulating, scheming, and finally lay down all that I have been carrying in hopes that it would fill me.

When I have done that before, sometimes I have expected punishment for leaving him and turning to something else. But each time He has gently taken those things from me and covered me, poured His life and love and comfort into my soul. I have just had to let go and let Him minister to my soul.

Surrender

“[We have to] let go of the life we have planned in order to accept the Life we have waiting for us.”

Our God is our life. Our part is to surrender everything, even our dreams to Him and allow Him to fill every space we have left after letting things go. He will then fill us with His Spirit and HIS dreams for us.

Past and present...

I don’t think I ever realized how much the past affects how I live today. The things that we have experience in the past guide our reactions to today’s incidents, decisions, and our reactions to them. Especially if you haven’t dealt with the past, or been willing to face it and made aware of how it controls you.

I will give you an example from my own life. I went to college for 5 years, in classes for music education. At the end of that time, I had one more semester of student teaching. I went into the classroom the first day very intimidated. That continued through my whole experience of teaching at the secondary level. I had so many things to work through, and probably wasn’t as prepared as I should have been. The teacher I worked with was great, the kids were great, but after a disastrous rehearsal in front of the supervisor (the professor who was evaluating my performance in the classroom) I was even more intimidated. At the end of everything, my supervisor called me into the university to talk with him and another professor. The end of it all was being told that my musical skills were not strong enough, and it was recommended essentially that I drop out and either just graduate, or take some more classes and try again the next year. I was so humiliated, (especially after I burst into tears in front of them) and intimidated, and made to feel so incompetent and powerless that I just dropped out of student teaching and graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Music.

Ever since then my past experiences in the classroom have made me ultra sensitive to being put into a situation where I am teaching. I nearly freeze on the spot. It was to the point in the beginning that I wasn’t even able to use the musical skills I had to even sing in church like I had been previously. Just last year when I was asked to lead the Sunday school class for the 3-4 year olds (that my son is in) I completely froze and ended up declining, because it would have put me into a teaching situation, where I was responsible, not only for the kids, but teaching them something significant. My brain and heart said to me, “what if you can’t do it? What if you can’t keep their attention, teach them anything valuable?” I had told the person who asked me that I would think and pray about it, but I never did consult God, I just called her back 3 days later and declined, siting too much going on in my life right now.

Even now, as I have started to be aware of how my past has affected me, and started to deal with things, I am still overcome with fear that I might be asked to be in a teaching position. I know that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. The whole point is this, unless you allow God to work in you and make you aware of areas where the past is holding you back from doing His work, you will never even consider doing the things that He is asking you to do. You will hold Him, and amazing opportunities, at arms length and tell Him that there has to be someone else who can do that, because you sure can’t. My encouragement today to you is to spend some time looking at your past, the traumas, disappointments, and defeats you have faced, and allow God to open your eyes to how that is holding you back. With His help, you will be able to ask for His healing in those areas and start to move beyond them.

All of this came to me today as I sat talking with a friend about different things, and confessed to her how I was feeling, and some things that were holding me back. My experience with student teaching and other things, have led me to feel somehow inadequate for dealing with everyday life, raising my children, being a good wife, and feel that God could really use someone else, not me, in these areas. As the top of my web page says, I am on the road to discovering what it is that God wants me to learn. That in Him and because of Christ, I am secure, significant and accepted.