Forced Rest

Today has been made up primarily of sleep for me.  I wish I could have been out in the beautiful weather with the kids at the farm.  Or at least cutting back my dead flowers and cleaning up the yard, because before too long the snow is gonna sneak up on us and stuff in my yard has to be protected, put away and prepared.

However, it was not a day of work for me for sure!

I got up this morning at about 8:30 or so with the kids.  I have been sick and as soon as I stood up, I knew it was going to be a "day."  I was dizzy and lightheaded, and my head hurt.  I took some tylenol and decongestant, and then set about getting the kids settled in.  Once they had their chocolate milk (carnation instant breakfast - their "drink of choice" in the mornings) in hand, I settled down with them on the couch and watched a bit of cartoons with them.  Pretty soon they were up and moving.  They wanted to play at their desks. 

Yes, we somehow squeezed 2 desks into this living room.  We had a small one Peter was using for a while.  But we were looking for a bigger one for him, one that would accommodate a computer monitor, keyboard and mouse.   When I was visiting Cindy, and mentioned that we wanted to get Peter a new desk, she jumped up and showed me a desk that she just removed from her house.  I jumped on it.  It was the perfect size.  Peter can set aside the keyboard and mouse when he wants to use the desktop and has plenty of room there.  He's thrilled.  So is Marina, because Peter's move up means that she gets his old desk.  Perfect timing.

Anyway, as they played, I curled up on the couch under both of the kids blankets and rested.  Finally, Dave got up after sleeping in, the kids got dressed, and they all headed to the farm.  I grabbed a microwavable rice sock (gotta try those if you haven't... they are heaven and you can even make your own!!) heated it up and headed to bed.  I rested there for a bit, trying to write but that really didn't work well as I was too tired and spacey.  I finally rolled over and fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I got up and read, did a load of laundry, got a load put away, but really didn't do much for my day.  Took a hot shower and changed into fresh pj's.  That's about all.

I realize that I haven't had a day like this in a really long time.  I can't remember the last time I didn't really have to do anything.  I mean anything at all!  I think this cold is God's way of slowing me down.  I have had a little bit of time up and around with the kids, but already I can feel my energy flagging again.

Good timing, the kids are just about ready for bed, and I am planning on climbing into my bed shortly as well.

Because I haven't had a day like this in a long time, I felt almost guilty for not doing anything.  But I haven't taken a day voluntarily in so long, that I think God has used this cold to really slow me down.  I mean, I nearly had to stop everything today. 

I feel bad, because when I have a day that I'm able to detach from everything going on around me (or even a portion of a day) I try to spend it with God.  But I seriously wasn't able to even think clearly enough to hardly pray.  Maybe it was good, because many of the things that have hit me this week are too hard for me to deal with right now, and like a friend has said, it's time to take a vacation from it for a while.

Yesterday I had no voice, so I could only listen as my friend Cindy D. talked with me on the phone.  I was able to talk with her a little bit, but for the most part, it was a time for her to share.  Today I could talk more, but until now was unable to string more than a few thoughts together.

So, it truly has been "forced rest" today.  I have had no way of avoiding it, and no real energy to try.  A forced rest physically, and a break from thinking through problems or "tough stuff" and a time just to "be."  It's hard for me to do, but needed so much of the time. 

I have read so much about taking a Sabbath rest.  Not just once in a while, but weekly.  I want to do this.  I want to have a "God day" and a time where I can just take the time out from working, over thinking, and just do things that help me rest up and recharge.  Sometimes I can do that for a little bit, some portion of a day, here and there.  But I want to incorporate this into my weeks and months that are coming.

It's crazy that a long tough road of preparation for an event, and the event itself is what makes me take some days off from work, and then a cold on top of it taking me out so badly that I had to take another day really off.

It should be something worked into my schedule already.

I can see it's going to be another way to take care of myself.  Another thing in the list of "self care" that I'm going to have to work on.

It's been hard to feel so under the weather.  But when my body shuts down, there is nothing I can do.  It felt good to have the freedom to collapse as I needed to for the day.  I owe my husband a great debt of gratitude for that, for taking the kids away and letting me rest.  It was wonderful.

Thank you God too, for forcing me to rest.  May I keep in mind this break, and remember to take the unexpected breaks I get during the weeks ahead to stop and rest and be with you, and to be ok with doing nothing but sleeping, if that's what my body needs.

Advent of Trust #18; trusting Him in reconciliation

I have been struggling with learning how to deal with conflict and make reconciliation a priority in my life.

Facing fear, trusting God to work things out, and speak to people with whom we might be in conflict, takes a lot of gumption.

It's not something that comes easy for me.
For anyone!

Through the process, God has given me opportunities to reconcile with people. I have had the chances to talk to people in my life that I have felt tension with. He has been faithful to work them out. The conversations were not easy, by any means, but useful in setting my mind at rest.

Now I need to work on my part of it. Some of that is not allowing myself to "dredge up" old feelings based on misconceptions. Part of that is renewing my mind. Reminding myself that this person or that person did not intent what I assumed. Therefore, my feelings are based on a lie.

That has been hard, because if I start allowing myself to dwell on the hurts I feel, I find bitterness creeping in. That is not what God has intended for me. I have to stop the feelings and make sure that things are lining up with God's word, in my head. If my thoughts are not lining up with the truth, then I have no business thinking them!!!

Dealing with some of these stressful situations and relationships now has led to some more peace.

I was so stressed out when I was resisting God's call to reconciliation. I had perpetual anxiety plaguing me all day long. I found myself frustrated and fearful of talking to people because I didn't want to be causing division.

Once I finally made the decision to talk to the people I needed to, once I verbalized it to someone to hold me accountable, I found peace overtaking me. Suddenly the knot in my stomach released some.

It's amazing the peace that's found in obeying God!

Trusting God to work all the things for good for all people involved, and working all things so that He is glorified, is hard, but well worth the effort.

The more we walk the path of reconciliation, forgiveness, confession.... the easier it will be... the more like Jesus we will look.

The first time is hard. The first time you feel like you left a million things out when the conversation is over. The first many times you find yourself shaking with relief that the conversations are done.

God is to be trusted though, and if he says to drop everything at the alter and go be reconciled first, then you had better do it!

There is a reason He has said it. There is purpose behind His wanting you to reconcile with others. It's for your good and for His glory!

Advent of Trust #6; Fear and Trust

How in the world do I lose faith so easily and let fear consume me?

Part of my LPM Scripture memory verse this time is from Psalm 112.

"...his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear..."

When I know and believe that my heart is secure, I will have no fear. When I choose to put my trust in Him, I don't need to give way to that fear because He will take care of me... and I trust that promise.

What does it take to move from that place of fear? What does it take to move to that place of not only knowing the promises of God, but trusting that He will fulfill them?

I have seen Him fulfill promises to me before. He always has. He is faithful.

So why do I find myself facing a new day, a new hour, a new situation with fear? Fear of failure? Fear that He won't come through? What is it in my make up that makes it so hard? Why am I so fickle?

I want my heart to be steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
I long for that!

Maybe this fear, and this lack of trust is the symptom of a problem.
Maybe the problem is that I have had much less time alone with God lately.
Maybe the solution is to take the day that I have off tomorrow... one planned to be with a friend who now can't get together...

Take this suddenly open day, and instead of running errands and getting things done, spend it with God.

Some solitude. Some rest. Some peace.

Maybe then I will find myself more centered in on Him. More focused on Him, and refilled, restored and renewed to keep on doing the things that He has called me to.

Please pray that I would be able to take this time, really find somewhere for some real solitude, and concentrated time alone with God. Please pray that I would get filled up by God.. allow Him to fill me and strengthen me and draw me to a place of deeper dependence on Him, and deeper trust in Him.

Silence is golden...

The healing of silence.

Sitting at the table in the sun, warm cup of coffee in hand, bible spread before me.

Struggling to quiet my heart so I can hear.

I started learning this art of silence, by having someone else model it in my presence... together we sought to just sit still and start our time together in silence, prayerfully seeking God's presence, Spirit, guidance, words to us.

The more we did it together, the more I tried it alone.
The more I tried it alone, the better I did at stilling myself.

How else to help others come to that point of silence? That point of listening to God?

Do what was modeled to me.
Model it for them.

Listening quietly.
Reflecting before speaking.

Seeking God's presence, starting our time together in prayer, and sitting still before Him, before we talk or do anything else.

That silence is so healing.

When I was in counseling, my counselor also modeled this for me. She sat and listened to me. She waited, as I shared. Then she waited as I sat quiet. She used a therapy that ended up encouraging me to listen to God and take that time to really focus on Him, hear what He had to say, and process it in relation to the struggles I was having at the time.

That's where I first started to gain healing in the inmost parts of my being.

Only now, as I look back do I see how powerful silence before God was.

"Silence is golden" we have heard so many times in reference to children. That is true, as a mother of two youngsters, sometimes that silence from the constant chatter and yelling is truly golden.

However, I would like to suggest a new twist. Silence is golden.... filled with the presence of the glory of God... His royal, sovereign majesty reaching down to flood our souls with the golden light of His presence within us... and we can only really see the depth of His presence in our hearts and lives through being silent before him.

Silence, in the presence of our God is truly a golden, healing balm.

Respite of a quiet moment...

Yesterday, I posted about how I was sick and tired... how our whole house was sick and tired.

I got a comment from L.L. Barkat "Flu. Ick. May you find respite in some quiet moment soon."

This morning it wasn't perfect. But I did get a bit of a respite.

The kids were tired, and sitting on the couch, watching their morning cartoons. I snuggled back up in bed (just around the corner from them, but out of sight) with my bible and a couple of bible studies I have been working on.

I have been behind in these studies this week. I have gotten behind in the daily homework. Since I was too sick to go to my Esther study this morning, I decided to take the time to try to get caught up.

I was able to do one day of homework in my other study, and then switched books. I just love Beth Moore! This is the first bible study of her's that I have been able to do... Esther. Oh! It is so good!

It was like settling down to a good conversation with a good friend. It felt familiar and comfortable, and yet challenged me to look into the Word and really dig into it. It felt so wonderful. Some people would think that the mental exercise would be exhausting...

... even that early in the morning.. it was the respite I needed.

It provided the energy to deal with sick kids.
It provided the stamina to take a shower... (yes, its taken me while to even feel like doing that)

It provided the desire in my heart to have more of a connection with my heavenly Father, all day, rather than just that little bit this morning. It gave me a taste of Him and invited Him into my day today.

The respite of a quiet moment.

It was a much needed moment, a much needed respite.

Thank You, Jesus, for the chance today to start the day off with you, even with sick and cranky kids, and a sick and cranky me. Keep us safe this day, and help me to do what I need to, and have the energy to do it. Help me to know when to rest, and when to play, and when to work. Heal me and heal my kids. Keep my husband healthy. Bless us all with more quiet moments of respite. Amen.

Silence, resting in Him, and a heart change...

I don't know if any of you have heard of Peter Scazzero's small devotional book called, "Begin the Journey with the Daily Office" before.

If you have, and you have used it some in any sort of way in your life, you will know what I mean when I say this is making a huge difference in my walk with God.

The beginning of this week, I was still resisting God. I have been fighting him when he has wanted me to just surrender at least one area of my life to him that I have been holding out on. I was still acknowledging that I needed to do something, but not willing to take the steps I knew it were necessary.

The Daily Office really encourages spending some extended time (starting small and building up to longer times) being still before God and centering in on resting in his presence. I found it extremely hard to do so as I started this week. Probably because I knew my heart wasn't right.

My heart wasn't surrendered, so why would it find it easy to center in and quiet itself before God?

But as I walked through this devotional, my heart softened. As I read through the prayers about surrendering and being silent, and read through them out loud as suggested, something changed.

How can you read prayers, and pray prayers and seek God's presence without being changed?

Scazzero provides you with guides to prayers, a scripture reading, a devotional section (short), a question to consider, and a written prayer. There are two for each day; morning/midday and midday/evening; to fit your schedule as needed or as wanted. The point is to settle yourself before God for 10 minutes to 20 minutes or more as you have time, two or more times a day, depending on your daily routine and schedule. The idea behind that is, the more you take time out of your day, trusting God to help you get done what is really needed, laying down your control of the day, you take God with you into every part of your day. It reminds you that God is really with you. You are able to practice being in His presence through out the whole day, rather than "filling up" in the morning with a quiet time to "get what you need" for the rest of the day.

It has changed the way I think about my devotions with God. Whether I do one in the morning when I get up (which is preferrable to me, so I don't get busy with the kids, and my mind get going without first committing everything to Him) and one again at the end of the day, right before bed; or whether I do one at lunch and another just after supper, or any combination, I am more likely to stay with God throughout the day.

I don't just hurriedly say a quick prayer for the people I remember. No laundry list of prayers with a hurried reading, and hurried "oh, and God help me through this day... show me what to do, Amen."

This really forces me to slow down. To take my time. To start and end with at least 2 minutes of silence. When I find I am having trouble staying silent without my brain taking off, I take a small bit of scripture that I might be memorizing, and just pray through and meditate on a phrase of it, asking God to show me something that I haven't noticed before. Then I move on with the office for that day.

The rhythm of taking time out, then working some, then taking a bit more time out for resting in God, really has seemed to help my days. Now I am only on about day 4 right now, but already I notice a difference. My spirit seems so much more settled, even when there are things going on that I could be (and do still) worry about.

Some of the questions, or comments that have come up in the past few days from this book have really impacted me.

"Help me to listen to you and grant me the courage to faithfully surrender to you."

"God, sometimes, wounds us in our journey with him in order to move us out an unhealthy, 'tip of the iceberg' spirituality to one that truly transforms us from the inside out."

"Lord, I invite you to teach me to live in dependence on you. Help me rest and be still in your love alone."

"[When I am still] God can break through the many layers with which I protect myself, so that I can hear his Word and be poised to listen.... most of our human problems come because we don't know how to sit still in our room for an hour."

"Lord forgive me for running my life without you today. I offer my anxieties to you now - as best I can. Help me to be still, to surrender to your will, and to rest in your loving arms."
(excerpts from "Daily Office" pgs. 6-11)

Just sit and read through those passages again and let them sink in. As I have had time to soak them in, to really hear them in my heart as well as my mind, my heart has been changed.

The time in silence has become comfortable again. I have found the comfort in God's presence, in his word, in silence before him. I (for the most part!!) am not afraid to hear from him and what he might say.

I am looking forward to seeing what else he will teach me through this time of silence and seeking him several times a day. I am more hopeful, though there are still the same struggles as before. I feel like, through this, through the times of silence and contemplation before him, he has said to me, "It's ok, I am here and I am going to walk with you through this."

One of the biggest things I have felt, almost spoken aloud to me happened just the other day.

I felt God speaking to my heart.

I have filled you with my Spirit, you have power beyond your own.
I have covered you with my Son, you are cleansed, forgiven.
I have adopted you as your Father, you are set free and my heir.

There is nothing better than that realization.

The depression, anxiety, worries about money, worries about a job, fears for the future, concerns about family and friends, struggles with knowing who I really am, who I was created to be....
Those all pale in comparison to who I am in Christ, what my Father has given me, and how richly I am blessed.
Those other things are still there. But so is my Father. To Him I can run in everything, with everything.

May God bless you this day, and may you find time to silence your heart and mind before Him and rest in His presence.

Joyfully on the road,

Refuge, strength, and scripture memory...

I have been struggling for several days to come up with a scripture verse for the scripture memory challenge that Beth Moore is hosting.

Usually, I can sit down the day before, or the day it is due. I pray and ask God to show me the right verse. Usually, after a bit of prayer, and spending some time in the Word, and using a bible program to do some word or phrase searches for me I can come up with something pretty quickly.

Nope.

Not this week.
It just wasn't happening.

Last time, I was looking for something that talked about having and undivided heart or mind. That single-minded approach to God, to following Him. I found that in Psalm 86:11-13. It reminded me of the things He has done for me, and also the things that I need to keep doing... praising His name, and seeking to walk in His will... His truth.

This time, I started looking for something that would spin off of the last verse. I wanted something more to talk about an undivided mind or heart. I wanted something that I thought would speak to me in the next week + but that wasn't God's plan.

I have been searching the last couple of days.

Finally today I emailed Cindy and asked her to shoot my way any scripture references about God's comfort or provision. She sent several my way. Not one of them fit with my heart. I just wasn't satisfied. I still felt unsettled. However, something in one of the verses she sent me started me on another search.

This time I looked up "refuge." I have felt the need for comfort, for the reminder that God is my refuge and strength. I have needed the reminder of His peace.

I am still fighting some in my heart a resistance to fully surrender some areas of my life to Him. I need something to encourage me to do so... to really trust Him.

These were the verses I found.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Selah."

Psalm 62:5-8

Is there anything more perfect than that?
Not for me.
At least, not this time around!

It is a reminder for me that He is my fortress, my refuge, my safety, my "safe place." It reminds me to trust in Him, because He hears my heart. He hears my cries. He knows them before I even cry them out, and He still is safe to go to.

It also reminds me of something I am learning I need more and more. These verses remind me to remind myself that I need rest. Rest in Jesus. Nothing else in this world is going to give me the rest that my very soul craves and longs for. Nothing I turn to will give me relief.

Jesus is the answer.
Jesus is the only way to true peace and joy.
Jesus is the only true "safe place" for our hearts.
Jesus is the one my salvation and honor depends upon.

Nothing else will do.
No one else will do.

He is it.

Now if only, along with the memorization, my heart can really take hold of the meaning of these words.

I pray God that Your word will take hold of me... and change me and rock me to my very core.

Soothing reminders...

I love this verse that Beth Moore shared with us on her post today.

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."
Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation

I went to visit Cindy at church today, where she works. I got there over 20 minutes early, and as I knew she was giving up time out of her work day for me, I decided to spend the time sitting on the hill near our lower parking lot. That way I would give her time to get some things done before we started talking.

I sat on the sweet smelling grass. The sun was hot on my back. The sound of song birds was in the air. The wind was a gentle breeze blowing on my face, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

I was able to sit there and settle myself in God's presence. I felt like He spoke right to me, where I was at, right then and there.

As I rested there, I was reminded by Him that He is there with me. He created me to perfectly feel the sun and the breeze. He created that sun and breeze to warm and cool me. He created the gold finches flying overhead, singing sweetly to me.

He created that moment specifically for me.

For me to remember in times of doubt. Or in times of fear. Or in times of loneliness. Or in times where I feel disengaged. Or in times of extreme stress and worry.

His touch is soothing indeed, and it makes me happy. It made me happy right then and there.

Then as Cindy and I talked and spent some time tackling some more difficult questions, and processing through them, at one point, God reminded me of sitting outside.

He reminded me, yes I may feel very lonely at times. I may feel very stressed and wanting to disengage from everything. I may find that I am more of an introvert than I thought. I may find there are things about my personality, and habits that are re-occurring and difficult to overcome.

But He still makes the sun to warm my back, and the breeze to cool my face. He still does those things because He loves me. He wants to remind me that He is with me. He wants to remind me that He will never let me go.

He wants to remind me that His love is loyal. His love is unfailing. His love will always be there, no matter what my feelings are, or if I feel I deserve that love or not. (I never will, but He gives it anyway)

He picks me up, and dusts me off when I fall down. He supports me and keeps me from slipping. He sets my feet upon a firm place. He helps me get going in the right direction again.

But He does all of this with a gentle hand. Not harsh or hard or impatient. Not with an angry hand or countenance.

Gentleness.
Soothing.
Healing.

And when I think that I should be on the receiving end of harshness from Him... He surprises me again... (and why should I be surprised when He never changes in how He deals with me?)

His love overwhelms and in that overwhelming... oh how my worries are soothed away.

Then I am happy.
But deeper than that.
I am filled with joy.

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 9; Be at rest...

I opened up this book on Sunday afternoon, after crying all morning at church.

And when I say crying… I mean more like sobbing next to my friend Cindy. I didn’t dare look at her, because if she had given me a hug right then, I would have dissolved.

Over the weekend I wrote in an email to her, and then later talked on the phone about how tired and empty I was feeling. Done in, burned out, nothing left to give.

Exhausted.
Depressed.

Without even words to write here… and that is rare for me.

I managed to squeeze a couple of posts out in the last couple of days, out of desperation and need for prayer from others. They were short posts, but at least let people know where I was at.

In church Sunday, I got a distinct impression of sitting in Jesus’ lap and seeing Him wanting to take that piece out of the box and heal it back into my heart. I just remember shying away from Him, hiding my face against His chest, not really wanting to submit.

Afraid of the pain.

After the service was done, I really wanted to go up to the front of the church, walk the aisle and fall on my face before God right then and there. Our associate pastor said that some of us had some work to do with God this afternoon, and I was thinking in my head, “no, I know that He wants me to do it now… I shouldn’t wait.” But the moment was over, and I walked out of the sanctuary without doing any “business” with God.

[Side note: I later found out that our associate pastor almost gave an alter call for anyone needing to do business with God right then and there...]

That was when I went to the coffee shop after church, and started to read this chapter in “Self Talk, Soul Talk.”

Like Laura said, I just about burst into laughter, if it weren’t for the tears that were stuck in my throat. I was struck…. in awe and amazement at how our God orchestrates things.

I read most of the chapter, and then I had to go home to get a bit of rest and go to my choir rehearsal. But as I did, I realized that God had used the time of the coffee shop to start my time away from “stuff” to start to still and settle my soul.

On the way home from choir, I took a long way home, country roads, rather than through town or on the highway. I prayed some, thought about Tricia a lot, and tried to figure out a way that I could get alone with God, in private to work through this somewhat. At least to start the process of mourning.

God provided the time.

Dave didn’t have to work on yesterday, so once he was done with his errands and goals for the day, he let me out of the house. He told me to take the rest of the day (bless his dear heart!!!)

I headed for our church. I knew of no where else that I would be able to get away without phones, kids, or anyone else interrupting me.

When I got there, Cindy helped me get set up in the library of our church, near a fireplace, and prayed for me and then gave me something to read that would help jump start me in my time with God.

I ended up on my knees on the floor in front of the fireplace, in front of God. Not exactly on my face, but finally allowing Him to start to minster to me. I really finally surrendered to Him.

I cried out to Him. I told him just how much I missed Tricia. Just how much I hurt, how much I really needed His help, because I was so empty.

I cried.
Sobbed.
Used a lot of Kleenex.

I finally was able to just rest before Him and receive.

I was able to do exactly what Jennifer talked about. I was able to take the time away with God and rest before Him. I do tend to try to take some time with Him each day, or try to do something to unplug a bit, but I must have been pushing myself the past few weeks, and not realized it.

At some point during that time our Associate Pastor, Brad came in and talked with me a bit. Cindy (with my permission) had shared some of what was going on with me at a staff meeting where they pray for each other and members of the congregation who request it, so he knew a bit of what was going on. I was just sobbing when he walked into the library. I couldn’t hide it and didn’t try.

Brad shared with me some of what he had gone through a few weeks ago, where he too was at a place of emptiness and fatigue, with nothing left to give. He shared how God met him in a place of peace and withdrawal… a vacation with his family. Hmm. Sound familiar? (Abandon Annually??) He prayed with me before he left me alone again, that I would receive a word from God, and that I would find the rest that I needed.

Oh girlfriends, God is so good.

I was speaking to my soul, without realizing it. Between my time off at the coffee shop on Sunday, and my time at church yesterday afternoon, and dinner with Cindy afterward.

“We must choose for our wills to take a break from striving, for our minds to quiet the noise of thought, and for our emotions to detangle our knotted feelings.”

I choose to get away, and take a break. I voiced that desire to Dave, and God made it happen.
The enemy was having his way with me.

“When we are physically and emotionally spent and worn, we become susceptible to the enemy’s attack. We become easy targets, sitting ducks. Our enemy attacks us with despair, depression, illness, impatience, and myriad other maladies…all results of a fatiged soul and body.”

Jennifer is right that speaking rest to our souls is critical. There is no other way around it. If we don’t allow ourselves to rest… more than just physical rest, and tell our souls to, not just hope it happens; well, we are going to find ourselves in dire straights. There is no other way around it.

We need to be still and know that He is God.

I learned that yesterday. Though I didn’t think I was being “quiet” before God, I guess I really was settling my soul down before Him. Everything that was in me poured out before Him. I left nothing unchecked (at least as much as I could at that point in time).

I woke this morning exhausted.

However, I also woke knowing that God was with me.

Knowing that God was faithful and that God would keep His promises towards me.

Still physically and emotionally tired and drained, I know that I am experiencing more peace today than I have in a while. I still feel a bit on the edge emotionally, yet still have more peace than I have had in about 3 weeks or so. I am still struggling with depression, and struggling with motivating myself to get some things done around the house that need doing, or even doing things for myself to make myself feel better. But I have peace.

I truly don’t know how to explain it other than I still am depressed. I still am tired. I still am aching and hurting (and yes even crying right now) over losing the relationship with Tricia. But I still have this PEACE.

Maybe it comes back to Philippians 4:7
“And the peace of God which transcends all understanding shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

There is no other explanation.
I am going to continue to tell my soul to find rest in God alone.
Nothing else will do.

this is where I am...

I am writing right now with the extreme background noise of 2 kids half playing, half fighting.

Please forgive me if this post becomes rather disjointed.

Where I am today…. I am not sure. I am much calmer than this weekend. Still dealing with depression for sure.

My friend Cindy, helped me talk through things some this weekend (and did a couple of incredible posts yesterday). As we talked and emailed back and forth, she made a few comments and asked some questions that helped me start to pinpoint something that has been bothering, niggling at the back of my mind, that I just didn’t realize consciously until now.

I feel dumb saying it even.

But I am dealing with losing my counselor, Tricia.

I mean, she didn’t die or anything, but I feel like it almost.

We went through so much together during our time of counseling. I prayed for her, I know she prayed for me. She asked questions that prompted me to press on into greater healing. But it was more than that, to me at least.

She really became a friend. By the end of our time together, I really did consider her a friend. As much as I consider Cindy a dear friend and sister, Tricia was my friend and sister as well. A sister in Christ, a friend who would listen and help me and encourage me, and push me to do what God wanted me to. She has great wisdom, I know given to her by God, great passion for helping see people come into freedom, healing and wholeness. She has a great love for God, a passion to follow Him, and it shows in her every interaction. She has a big heart, filled with compassion.

She wouldn’t be a good counselor without these things.
These things also won her a place in my heart as a friend.

I understand, intellectually that there has to be a break so that I don’t “depend” on her when I need to learn to stand on my own with God. But just as Cindy has come alongside me during this time, and also given great wisdom, counsel and love, so did Tricia. My heart says that Tricia is as much of a friend to me as Cindy is.

With Cindy I am able to call her and share some insights that I have learned or struggles I am having, and give and receive help. I can encourage Cindy and get together for a cup of coffee or a meal, and enjoy fellowship with her. We can share things that we have been learning from God, from books we are reading, anything like that.

I used to be able to do that with Tricia. I used to make note of something that I read, or that I felt God telling me, and save it to share with her. I can’t do that anymore. That avenue has been cut off to me.

I feel like there has been a death.

I guess there has been. The death, however long or short it might be till I see her again, of my friendship with Tricia.

Cindy told me of some things that happened with her and her husband after her husband’s mother died. It sounded familiar to me.

They would find out good or bad news and realize they couldn’t just pick up the phone.
They missed her and realized they couldn’t get in the car and drive to see her.
They would read something, or want her prayers.
They would want to pray for her.
They would just want to connect, even briefly.
But she was gone, out of their reach. Though they will see her in heaven, they can’t see her anymore on this earth.

That’s what it feels like to me. Because we have to stay separate, for a time at least now that counseling is finished, Tricia and I can have no real contact… not talking together type of contact. And God reminded me of something yesterday afternoon. What is the guarantee that we will even see each other once that time frame is over? God could call one of us home before then. Or call us to a different city, state, whatever, and we might never get in contact with each other.

I am grieving.

I can’t help it. By stuffing it, I have been causing myself more depression and hurt.

I also was fighting God on it. I felt Him speaking directly to my heart yesterday.

I could see myself back in His lap, in the lap of Jesus. And He reached His nail-scarred hands into that box and pulled out a big jagged piece of my heart. I cringed as I saw He meant to put it, heal it, into the living flesh of my heart. I knew how raw skin against that piece would feel. I didn’t want it.

I turned my face away, in my heart telling Him no. I pressed my face against His chest, ashamed at my fear, ashamed at my refusal.

He gently reminded me that healing comes with a price. There is pain in healing. But there is relief from pain. He reminded me of when I had my c-section with my daughter. The pain I had after that surgery. The pain reminded me that my body was doing what it needed to, to heal, and reminded me of something else. Something much more precious. I had my daughter in my arms, not in my womb anymore. I could see her, hold her, touch her, and rejoice in the relationship I could now have with her.

But it took pain to get there.

So, am I willing to face that pain now?

I am going to try.

I am heading up to the church, hopefully within the next half hour, to spend some time with God and try to allow Him to heal that piece into place in my heart… to allow myself to really grieve through the loss of a friendship. I know that it will be a long process, not a one time thing, but I need this one time thing to get me started.

Please pray for me that I will be able to let go and let God.

And then I will have a precious treasure, something that I can rejoice over. I can rejoice in the relationship that I had with Tricia. Maybe soon I will be able to rejoice that I will see her again, hopefully in this life, but if not, in the one to come.

Right now, I am still filled with tears and sadness.

I know that no one can say what is ok to grieve and what isn’t, or if anything is too little to grieve over. I still feel like some won’t understand why this is such a big thing for me…

But there it is.

And I know that I need to be on my face before God and surrender to His healing hands.

Pain, and hopefully healing.

Idols and lies... and the one, true God

“Just watched… Just another confirmation from God… Just amazing grace… Just you ask? Sometimes I think of how God looks at me now… just as if I’d never sinned… sometimes I think of how God answers prayer… just at the right time… yes it’s our JUST GOD at work again as He always is…”

This was the response I got from a dear friend of mine after she had watched part of a video I linked to her.

How true is that? Our God is so just, so wonderful, so mighty, so loving, so powerful, so gentle with us. Through my friend and some difficult things she is working on in her own life with God, He spoke into my life in a powerful way.

He showed me the ways He has been guiding me up to this point, this summer. He placed me in a bible study through Living Proof Ministries, organized by Beth Moore. It is a study based on identifying your idols… functional idols in your life that give you something that only God can fill. They function for a time, but never fully satisfy, and so leave you hungry… for more. But God is the only one who can fill us to the full.

Isaiah 46 talks about how our man made idols weigh us down and become burdens to us. We end up carrying the idols that we have made. I wrote the following in my journal after reading the first part of Isaiah 46.

“I didn’t get it at first, (when I read the passage) but we are the weary beasts. I am. Anything that I am holding in my life above You, it is something I physically have to hold up above me to block out the view of You. And holding up these things, carrying them is so hard and weighs me down and makes me even more exhausted.”

Isaiah 46:3-4 says, “Listen to me, O house of Jacob, and all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been upheld by Me from birth, Who have been carried from the womb: Even to your old age I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you."

I don’t need to carry those burdens any longer. I can lay them down. Instead of carrying my idols, and keeping them as gods in my life, God is carrying me. Maybe this is what God is referring to when He said in Matthew 11:28-30.

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Once I let go of the things I think I need, I can take up Jesus, and find that in my everything, He is carrying me. He has been carrying me. He will carry me. I need to confess the things that I have been carrying and lay them at the foot of the cross.

I have a choice, and so do you…

Like me, you may be thinking, “But they are such big things in my life. How do I lay them down?”

I know I will try to pick them up again and again. They are comfortable and familiar. Some of the things are good things, like singing and playing piano for worship team, writing here and in my journal, my husband… oh, so many more… too many to name. But when they are taken to extremes, and in the deepest part of my heart I become proud of them or possessive of them, then they veer off course and I end up carrying them, holding them above my head in aching arms, but afraid to let them down and see the Son shining in my eyes, and reveal me for who I truly am.

Yet who I truly am really isn’t bad, because I am a daughter of the King. How bad is that? I can have everything given to me, I have only to ask. So why is it so hard to lay the things down that I cling to so much?

Maybe it is because many times we can’t see that we are holding onto a lie. That it is deceptive, wrong and painful to us. I can’t see that I am feeding on ashes at the foot of an idol that cannot deliver me and can only burden me more and beat me into the ground.

God so longs to give me good spiritual food and drink. Healthy and wholesome. He wants me to come and lay my burdens down, and take up His because only then will I find rest for my soul.
This bible study has been confirming all along that is what He wants to have me do. It has been His amazing grace to me that has opened my eyes and let me see. He has confirmed gifts in me, with the warning to not grow prideful and twist something that is good, and depend on it so much that it becomes an idol.

God sees the things in my past, but forgives me all the same, just as if they had never been. He answers prayers that have been prayed over me for the past 3+ years… not when I wanted, not when the people praying for me wanted, but slowly, gradually in His own time… at the perfect time. He is always working whether I see it or not.

And it’s when I don’t see it that I tend to make idols, hoping they will give me the quick answer I want, fill the need I want. Numb the pain, get rid of the hurt, keep more painful things from happening. But that isn’t how God works, and I have had to learn patience. Hard when you are in the midst of a trial.

So many of these things several main idols that I can see, have been a part of me for so long, they look so huge and intimidating, and I wonder if I can really lay them down. Am I even willing to?

Tonight I made a choice to lay them down and ask God to help me root them out of my life. I made a verbal, out loud choice of my will to lay down my idols. My heart isn’t fully there yet, because I know it is going to be a painful process. But what isn’t? Cleansing and purifying our lives can be painful, and can take time. I have been cleansing my life this year through counseling, and it has been very painful… but oh, so rewarding.

I have grown so much closer to God. Even through my mistakes He has continues to call to me. Our just God has been endlessly, unchangeably wanting me to come to Him. When I realize that my way isn’t working, He wants me to fall to my knees, exhausted from all my posturing, manipulating, scheming, and finally lay down all that I have been carrying in hopes that it would fill me.

When I have done that before, sometimes I have expected punishment for leaving him and turning to something else. But each time He has gently taken those things from me and covered me, poured His life and love and comfort into my soul. I have just had to let go and let Him minister to my soul.

Surrender

“[We have to] let go of the life we have planned in order to accept the Life we have waiting for us.”

Our God is our life. Our part is to surrender everything, even our dreams to Him and allow Him to fill every space we have left after letting things go. He will then fill us with His Spirit and HIS dreams for us.

Sleep... what's that?!

Well, another sleepless night. I should say, I slept the first 4 hours, and then again I woke up. This time it wasn’t at 4:30, it was 3am. Sigh. I seem to be going backwards. Oh to be able to live without having to take medication to sleep. When I could relax and fall asleep, without every little noise waking me up and sending me into a panic attack. When I woke up, I prayed, recited scripture, prayed some more for my friends and family… nothing. Finally I moved from the bedroom to the couch. There I huddled for a while under a blanket, my brain awake, unable to find the shut off switch, with a cat on my feet. (Amazing how comforting that is…) I was probably there about an hour. And eventually after some more prayer and a bunch of tears, I felt tired enough to try again. I went back to bed about 5am, and at 5:30 Dave got up. Luckily by that point I was sleepy enough that I was able to fall right back asleep… until Marina woke me at 7:30.

These early morning ramblings are not fun. Especially when the doctor is giving me medication to sleep, and it only works for the first 4 hours. We shall see how tonight goes. Time to change the dosage. I would do about anything for 8 consecutive hours of sleep.