300,000 "ones"

This weekend was the Live Simulcast by Beth Moore, talking about the topic of Insecurity.

She wrote a book called "So, Long Insecurity," and I read it prior to attending the Simulcast. I was wondering how much of the material would be directly from the book. True to how Beth Moore is, she allowed God to craft her message, and though it contained material from the book, it was fueled by her own journey to security.

One of the things that I really didn't realize was just how many women were tuning in through the satellite host sites.

Normal simulcasts through the Living Proof Live events average around 90,000 women (and a handful of men) :)

This simulcast represented 300,000 or more women, and again, some men.

300,000 women turned out for a talk about insecurity.

To learn how to be secure women in Christ.

300, 000!!!

God didn't see a nameless, identity-less mass of people. He saw individual women, each with their own hurts, desires, brokenness, joys, fears, excitement, anticipation, and hunger for more of Him.

And He spoke a word to each of us. Specifically meant for me. Specifically meant for you.

We were 300,000 "ones."

Beth said (paraphrasing here cause I didn't write it down) at one point that in her book, she said that we couldn't change our culture, but we could change ourselves. We can become women who are secure in Christ and influence our spheres of influence.

When she was in the actual simulcast, she was overwhelmed by the numbers, and essentially said that we had to imagine 300,000 women all over the U.S. and Canada in our churches. If each "one" of us makes the decision to change our thinking, our actions, and allow God to change our hearts and work on us, in our areas of insecurity, we will influence our churches.

Think about what 300,000 women can do spread all over this land!

What can we do and 300,000 "ones?"
Our Christian culture can change.
Really change.

We will stand out as exceptions.

We will stand out as the example of what it means to be secure.
No longer fear driven.
No longer reacting to situations and conversations.
No longer perceiving threats from other women.

Others say, "Everyone there did .......... except, well, her."
Or they say, "No one ................... oh, except her."

We can become the exception to the rule.
Other women will notice.

If I am bathed with Christ, if His light shines in this jar of clay, others will notice. If I am willing to follow Christ everywhere, even in areas I am uncomfortable, yet let Christ cloth me with His strength and dignity that no one can take away, that will be so different from the rest of the world, others will want what I have.

And I want to be that way.

I have found myself walking around since the simulcast, and really since I finished her book, with the phrases ringing in my head,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity. No one and no thing can take that away from me. God gave it to me. It is mine."

What if all of us who participated in the simulcast actually adopted those thought patterns? What if we started to speak the truth to ourselves? What if we started with the truth in our minds, and acted out the truth with our feet, until it really did grow in our hearts?

What would I look like?

What would you look like?

What would our churches look like?

Wouldn't it be amazing to see the generations around us starting to really let go of what the culture says will make us secure?! Oh to see my daughter learn to overcome insecurity! I know she will be confronted by it. But I also know that God can use me, and other secure women in her life to show her how to navigate through these waters until she is able to adopt and apply the phrase,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity."

Beth asked us if others are worth what it takes to walk in security in Christ.

I can answer that with a resounding yes!

My daughter is worth it, my son is worth it. My family is worth it. My friends, my church are worth it.

More than that....

I am realizing the motivation isn't others alone. The motivation for me to pursue security and drop off this old me, is the new me that I am putting on. I am worth it because God created me and loves me, and it is what He desires for me.

Others are worth the effort it takes to walk in security in Christ.

So am I.

Psalm 103, God at work.

I started my last post with the beginning of Psalm 103... Let me continue the verses here.... because the previous verses kind of left us hanging in the middle of a sentence.

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

There are so many things that are going on in my life. It's much more than being busy... though I am that, plus some.

God is speaking into my heart and life in various ways. One way is through the Daniel bible study by Beth Moore.

Another way is by reading through her book, "So Long, Insecurity."

He has been prompting my mind to reflect and think on some of the healing that He's taken me through. I haven't done a lot of journaling about it, and there are so many things rolling through my head, I have hesitated in writing here, because of how likely I am to get off on a tangent.

I will try to catch those in my proofing so that each tangent becomes it's own post! :)

I also have had a hard time writing when my emotions have taken over and I have been so down lately. It has taken too much effort to write. Then when my emotions shut down, there was no motivation to write, because I couldn't share my heart. I couldn't even access it.

Today, as I looked at my memory verses (which are Psalm 103:1-2) I continued reading down the next 3 verses. They really can't go without mentioning.

The beginning of the psalm is a call to praise God... to remember His benefits. Looking up "benefits" in the Strong's Concordance, this is the first definition

H1576
gemûl
(ghem-ool')
From H1580; treatment, that is, an act (of good or ill); by implication service or requital: - + as hast served, benefit, desert, deserving, that which he hath given, recompense, reward.

This helped me a bit to understand the word benefit... that it is something that we have been given or rewarded with. But the root word that it is from (H1580) sheds even more light on it.

H1580
gâmal
(gaw-mal')
A primitive root; to treat a person (well or ill), that is, benefit or requite; by implication (of toil) to ripen, that is, (specifically) to wean: - bestow on, deal bountifully, do (good), recompense, requite, reward, ripen, + serve, wean, yield.

That made even more sense to me. God has bestowed something on us. He has dealt with us bountifully, and has done good to us, He has treated us richly.

It's not something I have deserved, but He has benefited me greatly. Because He loves me, He has lavished that love on me, shown me that love in so many ways.

It does my heart good to think on those things. To meditate on those ways he has dealt so bountifully with me.

Read verses 3-5 over again. Go ahead, scroll back up. I'll wait...

...

There, you back? :)

Look at these short lists, taken right from Psalm 103:3-5. Let them sink into your heart and soul and mind the way they are starting to in mine.

Forgive.
Heal.
Redeem.
Crown.
Satisfy.
Renew.

He forgives all sins.
He heals all diseases (anything that makes you sick, body, mind, heart, soul)
He redeems lives.
He crowns with love and compassion.
He satisfies desires.
He renews youth.

He forgives all your sins.
He heals all your diseases.
He redeems your life.
He crowns you with love and compassion.
He satisfies your desires.
He renews your youth.

God does all this for you. He does all this for me.

I think the enemy was working overtime in my life the past month or so, to hit all my triggers for depression. All my triggers got hit... depression and fear of going down under it again, fears of rejection, fears of failure, worldly guilt from the past, including condemning thoughts that were dredged back up.

All my hang ups came back to the surface. Right now things are getting better. My perspective is being changed, by God, and now I am slowly joining in the effort. I am starting to be able to think clearly enough to refocus my thoughts when they get "off."

God is working in me. I can hear His voice more clearly. I can see His face again. I can feel myself sitting in His lap again.

It has taken me being mindful of what He is doing in my life, and seeing His faithfulness in the past.

I am being "forced" to look at things that are triggering my insecurities and fears.

I think the enemy was using my past struggles and fears, and current ones too, as well as the world and my flesh kicking in, to stop me from what God would have me do.

I think God wants me to examine myself, my life right now, in light of His Truth. Jesus wants me to see myself as I am seen by God through His blood.

I know the truth of who I am in Him. I know that I am holy and clean and consecrated in His sight. My perception of who I am is off, just a little bit and not as bad as it used to be. But it completely affects how I act, what I say, and how I feel about myself.

I feel like God is working on me and in me to have His truth more deeply invade my life, thoughts, beliefs, and ingrained patterns. Then my thoughts and feelings (which I was really drowning in, if you couldn't tell, which is why I disconnected I think) will start to line up with the Truth. I will start to operate out of His Truth, because His Truth will become a deeply set part of my life.

It's not that I don't believe the truth, but now it has to come to a new place. A deeper level.

So that my trust in God and love of Jesus will be deeper and fuller than they are now. So that I more closely follow the promptings of the Spirit.

I want Him to be my all in all.
I want to be able to refocus my thoughts and remember all His benefits when my heart wanders and I feel lost and alone.

Because I am not lost and alone.

I am His and He is mine.

So are you.

Who am I, really??

I feel like shouting...

"Will the real Heather, please stand up!"

I really do.

I am not really sure who I am anymore.

Through the past couple of years, as I have healed, God has broken down the walls and constructs I have built up to protect myself. He has demolished some of the "false selves" I have presented to the world as the "real me."

As those have come down, as my defense mechanisms have been shown for what they are, I have been left reacting to things differently than I used to.

I have found myself withdrawing, and disengaging in larger groups. I used to, at least for the most part, get into the middle of a group, and engage in a conversation or two. As long as I wasn't left sitting alone, I was ok. I wasn't looking to be the center of attention, but I was looking to be kept "occupied" so that I wouldn't feel the pain inside, I think.

I have found myself needing more alone time. Actually feeling more harried, impatient, and almost unhealthy if I don't get any for a while. I used to keep going and going, bouncing from one Christian activity to another. It felt, at the time that I was energized when I came away from these things. There were times that it was hard for me to wind down after being with a group. I thought that was because I was energized being in a group. I am thinking now, that it was a way for me to cope again with pain deep inside. If I could keep hyper during and after something, I could keep myself from feeling how truly lonely I was on the inside.

Now I am becoming at least a little more comfortable being alone, and by myself. I am enjoying it, rather than being overwhelmed by the silence. I find I can enjoy the silence and don't "need" music on in the background, or the TV on or something.

Here is a quote from chapter 2 of "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero.

"God intends our deeper, truer self, which he created, to blossom freely as we follow him. God has endowed each of us with certain essential qualities that reflect and express him in a unique way. Part of the sanctification process of the Holy Spirit is to strip away the false constructs we have accumulated and enable our true selves to emerge."

There is more too... I think I am going to be learning a lot as I go through this book with Cindy. I am done with chapter two, but I think I am going to have to keep processing it a bit at a time, as things come up.

But, I am not who I thought I was.

Now I feel lost.
I don't have the same reactions to situations I used to.
I find emotions sneaking up on me at unexpected times.
I get caught off guard.
I don't know what to expect.
I feel lost.

God, who am I? Who did you create me to be?

Concerts and Dancing...

These are parts of an email I sent out earlier this week to friends for prayer.

"Please pray for me for the concerts this weekend. I am nervous… This just feels a lot different than singing up front in church or even doing special music up there. I also really want to glorify God in this. I want the audience (and choir members for that matter) to not see me, but to see God in me. God is the one really singing through me. He has given me the song in my heart, and I just want it to pour forth, without my interfering. I want God to be made known and glorified above all else.

This has been a hard year all around, and for me it is just icing on the cake that God has given me the opportunity to sing this solo. And did I mention that the solo is the hymn “Be Thou My Vision?” A different melody, but the same words. I have tried to keep Him my vision all year… and it is the prayer of my heart that He and He only will fill my vision for the rest of my days.

I open with the first verse:
“Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart, Be all else but naught to me save that thou art. Be thou my best thought in the day and the night, Both waking and sleeping, thy presence my light.”
The words of the last verse that I sing…
“Be thou and thou only the first in my heart; O Sovereign of heaven, my treasure thou art.
O Sovereign of Heaven, Be my vision, O Ruler of all.”

Talk about appropriate! I can wholeheartedly say that I praise Him for this past year or two. The pain has been worth it all. I know there are still going to be struggles, and sufferings, and pain in ways that I can’t imagine right now. But God is sovereign. He is faithful. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and to Him I will cling."

Oh my friends, I don't know if I can make you understand the depth to which God answered prayers this weekend!

I gave God my voice, and asked Him to supply the breath and tone and words and confidence to get up there and sing.

He was the one who kept me going when I was scared to death and got that huge stab of fear as I realized it was time for me to walk out of the choir and stand in front of them to sing the solo.

It was God who helped me breathe when I needed to, so that I actually had air to sing. He was the one who helped me focus on Him and the music, rather than how it might sound or be received.

Saturday night, for the first concert, I had taken some of my anti-anxiety medication a bit earlier in the evening, to help me just make it through the concert without getting sick to my stomach. I think it helped take that edge off. Enough that the words of advice and encouragement friends spoke to me, actually got through to me.

Then Sunday morning...
God did something during the worship.

When I say He met me there at church. I mean He MET me there.

When we moved into our longer set of worship, the tone of the service had already been set, and I was already open and ready for Him to speak to me. I had prayed all the way up to church from my house. I had conversed with Him in my heart all morning.

As the music started, I recognized the song immediately. I have already posted it here (It's at the bottom of that post) "Made me Glad" by Hillsong. It has quickly become one of my favorites. Just proclaiming the truth about who He is, well, it lights a fire in me.

I am not overly demonstrative in how I worship... particularily in a corporate setting.

But this song... well, first it gave me goosebumps, then the tears started. I took off my glasses. And after that I quickly became oblivious to anyone around me. It was just me and God. It was all I could do to keep from jumping up and down, or falling on my face before Him. I didn't really know which way it would have gone if I'd had the room.

I wept through the rest of the worship music.

More than anything else, it was about surrender. I had already, the night before turned the concert over to God. Through the reminder of a good friend (thank you Shelly) and the prayers of another friend who sings next to me in choir (thank you Harry). They ministered to my heart more than they will ever know.

But Sunday morning...
This was something completely different.

I felt like I was on my face before God, handing Him my heart, turning it inside out for Him, so that He could get into every last area of it. My whole life, everything, the day, the concert later on, the week...

I remember saying in my heart to Him,
"Jesus, take it, take me... take everything I have, all that I am. Do what you will with it, with me. Here, have it, I don't want it anymore. I just want You."

I specifically prayed that God would help me to sing that afternoon in the concert. And to help me to do it without my anti-anxiety meds. But also to not try to do it on my own strength, based on how well I did the night before. I asked Him to help me stand up there that afternoon, with a confidence, not in myself, but in Him.

Oh my friends, I haven't had such a sweet time of fellowship as I did that morning. Not in a very long time. Longer than I can even figure. I couldn't stop crying, and at the same time rejoicing at whatever He was doing in my heart.

I wish that I could lose myself in worship of my Lord and King, my Savior like that all the time. I know I probably can't or I would just explode or something! I hope I never get used to that intimacy with Him, because I don't want to take it for granted. At the same time, I so want to experience that depth with Him more often.

Oh to feel His heart touching mine!
To hear His voice speaking into my being!

That incredible intimacy, of being touched and blessed in a way that only God can do.

There is nothing at all that even comes close to that.

Sunday I went to the church where our concert was being held. I warmed up with the choir, I got ready, I prayed. I sat down and continued to pray, giving it all to God... even the knot in my stomach.

After the intermission, just before my song, I got another stab of anxiety like the previous night. But I took a big breath and reminded myself that "the Lord is my confidence, my strength, my portion" and I stepped out of the choir.

Again, God helped me to concentrate on the music, and on the words, and on putting my heart out there with those words... showing who He is.

I noticed a difference in me this weekend. One of the biggest things was that I was able to accept compliments with a "thank you" rather than dismissing them, or brushing them off, or saying "it was nothing." I never used to be able to accept compliments, because I felt that I wasn't good enough to be complimented on anything. I also am so critical of my performances, that I can pick apart every one and point out the mistakes. And on Sunday, though I made a mistake, I was able to let it go. Really let it go! (my counselor would be proud!) :)



It wasn't until I got to my parents house in Milwaukee on Sunday night that I realized the gift God has given me.

My husband got a short clip of my solo, the beginning of it, and posted it to You Tube here, and then sent it to my mom and dad, and myself. My mom opened it last night, and called me and dad into the office.

I listened to me singing on the computer. We re-played it. Then my dad asked if it bothered me to hear my own voice recorded like that.

I realized that it didn't. I mean it really didn't. I was comfortable with it.

God's gift to me this weekend, wasn't only the getting me through the solo, and meeting me in worship... but something much deeper.

God did another redemption.
He redeemed some years that the locusts had eaten.
He restored to me my music.

Yes, I have been using my musical gifts to serve at church and in choir.

Even so, I can't tell you how much I have doubted what I was doing. I can't tell you the times I have picked apart what I have done, dismissed it as not good enough, with the words of my student teaching supervisor ringing in my head... "your musical skills are not strong enough." Those words reinforced in me the lie that I will never be good enough, so I might as well not even try to use what I have been given, cause it will never be good enough.... God won't be able to use what I have to give, I will never measure up, and on they go....

Oh, that is gone!

Did you hear that?

It. Is. Gone.

God has given music back to me. He has healed a huge wound in me that I didn't even realize was so raw yet. He took me, weak and trembling, and set me on a stage in front of the choir and audience and helped me to sing the song in my heart. His song.

Then He showed me I don't have to be afraid to use what He has given me.

He has given me self confidence. I don't like that phrase, but it is what it is. Confidence, not in me and what I can do on my own, but confidence in Him. A complete trust that what He has given me I can use. It's this sense of security I can't quite explain. I feel grounded, and unashamed of what I can do, un-apologetic, unafraid. Because I am grounded in Him.

I feel like I can walk with my head high, and it isn't an act.

Does any of what I have written here make any sense?

I sure hope so, because I so want you to realize what God has done for me, and how huge it is...

Maybe you can't... at least not with me, but maybe He has done something big like that in your life... so in those terms you might understand a little bit.

I have been on a long journey these past few years. It is moments like these, weekends like these, that make me keep going. They show me just how much God is capable of. They show me hope. They remind me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and trust Him in all things at all times.

These are the "dancing in the streets" moments... Just like David did before the Ark of the Lord. Dancing with joyful abandon.

Cindy keeps reminding me to keep my dancing shoes handy.

Oh my friends, I am dancing today!

Please dance with me!

Know that our God is more than able to redeem anything, and everything... and He longs to heal you.

If He has healed me and continues to, He can heal you too... surrender to Him and let Him work.

On the road, not just walking, but dancing with Jesus,

Sealed in Him... Advent of Joy #18

I was praying with the worship team last night. We were praying for people who have some serious health concerns. As we did, I was reminded of some important truths that bring me joy.
“And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession - to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:13-14

No matter what we are going through, we are sealed with the Holy Spirit. We have an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade. We are secure.

When Jesus came as a baby, grew up, took our sin on His shoulders and died on the cross, He gave us eternal security.

No matter how I felt this past year, alone and scared and depressed, I never was out of God’s protecting hand. He had me close to His heart. He kept me sheltered under His wings, even when I was not feeling it.

I am covered with His love. So are you. We are secure because we are made alive with Christ.
“For it is by grace you have been saved, though faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.”
Ephesians 2:8

God’s grace has saved us. His grace came down to earth at Christmas. It was His gift to us. It is His gift to us. Over and over we are given His grace. His grace constantly covers us, our mistakes and wrong choices and attitudes. We are His, and that will never change.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.’
Surely He will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”
Psalm 91:1-4

Through all, because of Christ coming, we can say that we will trust in Him. The Holy Spirit assures us in our spirit that we are sealed in Him, and that He truly is our refuge and fortress, our shelter in the storm.

Praise God that we can rest so fully in Him. Praise Him that in the midst of our trouble we can have peace. A peace that passes all understanding. I can’t describe the joy that I felt at times this past year. Looking back at a lot of my posts, it doesn’t seem like I really wrote about them. There were sparks of light that showed me God was still with me. The pain was very intense at times, but bits of scripture would come to me at the right time. Bits and pieces out of the Psalms and Isaiah, that spoke of the pain, but God’s coming healing. The promises of redemption, the promises of His staying near to the brokenhearted and binding up wounds. Those all brought joy.

That promise of being His, and never being able to be snatched from His hand… that brought me joy.

It still brings me joy.

I know that I will face some tough times ahead. It is just the nature of living in this world. But my God is more than enough. He is more than enough for me, and for you. We are sealed in Him. We are secure in Him. He is our shelter and rest. He has saved us from the snare of the fowler.

Oh Lord, thank you so much for all you have done for us. Thank you for being my shelter and hope. Thank you for filling me with your Spirit, so that I can experience the joy you have. Thank you for bringing me into relationship with you. I can hardly believe all you went through, all you chose to do, all you endured for the joy set before you. That joy was unity with me, with all of us. Thank you for doing that to open up a way for us to come to you. Thank you for your protection and the love you pour out on me. Thank you for constantly guiding me and keeping me safe under your wings. It gives me such joy and peace to know that no matter what I walk through, what happens to me, where I go, you are always with me, holding me securely in your hand. I have joy in knowing that you hem me in, behind and before and that you have laid your hand upon me. You are my source, my all in all and I believe all your promises to me… your child that you chose before the beginning of time. Oh, to be adopted as your daughter, to have a new birth into a living hope and a glorious inheritance! Thank you for the joy that is mine in you!!! I love you Father God. Your daughter, Heather.

Audience of One...

Who are you performing for today?

Are you performing for yourself, to meet your expectations? Are you performing for your spouse or kids, being who they want you to be? How about for your friends? Co-workers? People at church? Your neighbor?

Are you trying to look like you have it all together? That your life is perfect, married to the perfect husband with the perfect kids… no matter that you are crabby and cross with your husband when he comes home and you give him the cold shoulder the rest of the night, or that you yelled and picked at the kids all day, just because they were getting on your nerves, being kids…

Or you are perfectly happy as a single because it frees you up to do all sorts of ministry, and you have great friends, and you are free to make a split second decision to go anywhere do anything because you don’t need to ask anyone else about it… no matter that when you go home alone at the end of the day you are consumed with loneliness (God forbid that anyone knows that) and you really long to have someone to talk to about decisions you make, even simple ones of going to the store or bike riding…

But hey, isn’t there more?

What about the audience of One?
Isn’t God the One who really matters?

I know when I was single, I put on the face for everyone but my closest friend that I was perfectly happy. But many nights I went to bed, sad and hurting, the loneliness deep inside… the longing I to have someone to share my life with.

Now being married, even though it might look to outsiders that our family is perfect, husband and wife seeming perfectly in love with two perfect, beautiful children who behave all the time, and listen and do what they are told…

HA!!!!

I have been learning there is nothing that is perfect in this world. And no life is perfect, no matter how much someone wants you to believe it.

There is One who will never let you down.

No matter what you do, no matter what happens to you, no matter how imperfect your life is, God perfectly loves you.

Yes. You. Perfectly loved.

Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

You are saved… He saved you from everything you ever did, and everything you will ever do. He saved you from all that was done to you (even when it doesn’t feel like it) and he will save you from everything that will ever be done to you.

He takes delight in you. That means when he looks down at you, he doesn’t say, ”Hmm, maybe I did make a mistake with that one.” Instead, he looks at you with this glow in his eyes, thrilled to know you inside and out. He rejoices over you, with singing…

That hint of a song you sometimes hear in the air… that’s God. Singing over you.
He can take you in the midst of your anxieties, in the midst of your fear, anger, despair, panic and he can quiet you.

With. His. Love.

How incredible is that? I mean, really, think about it. God can quiet you, can quiet me with his love. When I feel out of control, when I need help, when I feel desperate, and in pain, and discouraged and fearful… if I look to God, He will quiet me with his love.

And isn’t that the whole thing? We need to look to God. We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

If we look to anything else, any other thing or person in our life, to settle us, or satisfy us, it won’t work. We will find that alcohol, sex, food, exercise or lack of, watching TV, reading… anything that is good taken to excess, really doesn’t satisfy in the end.

So many times I have looked to other people to fill the void I have felt. No matter how much I have looked to others for approval, attention or love, it fades when I am alone. I find myself doubting and second guessing that anyone even really cares about me. The thing is, people are fickle. They are imperfect and can fail us. They have failed me, and probably will again. I have failed them as well, even if I don’t know it.

There is always the fear that if I say something wrong, or do something wrong, I will end up alone, ridiculed, pushed away, ignored, hurt or abandoned. Because I can’t be perfect for everyone all of the time. If I am perfect for one person, I won’t be perfect for another, and all I will do is tear myself in two if I try to be something for everyone all the time.

With God, there is no escaping him. He sticks with me. He is the great I AM. He loves me more than I could ever ask or imagine. If I do something wrong, He corrects me, but never leaves me or forsakes me. Nothing I do, or say will turn him from me. He is always pursuing me, wooing my heart. He gives me approval when I do his will, and gently corrects me when I don’t. He longs to fill my empty places, and satisfy me. Nothing in this world can do that.

And that is the thing with God.

No matter how terrible our pasts may have been, no matter how guilty we feel, or how much we think we need to cover up, our Lord is greater than all of that. Psalm 123 talks about choosing to lift up our eyes to God in heaven, looking to him until he shows us mercy. Our help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth (Ps. 121). Nothing else in this world that we could turn to compares to the creator of everything in the world. How can a created thing satisfy and fill the hunger that is placed in all of us for the Creator?

When we think we need to cover up and put on masks for everyone around us; when we feel we need to be what others want us to be… isn’t it freeing to know that all we need to be is us? I mean, really. All God wants is us. He doesn’t want what we think he wants us to be. He just wants us to come as we are. If we seek him, he will answer us; he will deliver us from all our fears. (Ps. 34:4, paraphrase mine)

Did you hear that?

He will deliver us from all our fears… we just need to seek him… and ASK him… And here is the most important part…

“Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” (Ps. 34:5)

We just need to look to him. Focus our gaze upon him. We don’t need to worry about anything others might think about us. God’s opinion is the only one that matters. If we seek him only, we will never be covered with shame. Instead, we will be covered by his grace and forgiveness.

I guess for me, more than anything else, I want to seek God in everything I do. I may not always do what he wants. I may turn to other things the world has to offer. I may find myself turning from God on Saturday night, and on Sunday morning putting on the mask and pretending everything is alright. But what I really want, is to fix my gaze on Jesus and bask in his love. I want to seek only Jesus’ face, to look only to him for approval, acceptance, attention. I want to perform for him only, my audience of One, and to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, my gaze heavenward to feel the warmth of his smile on my face.

May I gaze at Your beauty Lord. May I drink it in and fill my soul with the best food - spiritual food that will fill me completely. Satisfy my soul as with the richest of fare. Help me to continually seek after You rather than the things this world offers, so that I may be able to say, “You are my satisfaction. You fill me up to overflowing. You, Lord, are my all in all, and I need nothing else besides you.” Change my fickle heart to always follow You, rather than turn aside to the things the world has to offer. They are but shadows compared to You. Amen and amen.

Wake up call...

Today I did a quiet time that made a difference for me, though I am still processing through it. It is a Beth Moore “90 Days with David” study. Well, she was talking about how both puffed up, obvious pride, and low self image are very much the same thing. In essence they are focusing on self, rather than God.

I continued on to the next study that talked about being a people-pleaser. That is classically me. I do all I can to make and keep people happy. I have a hard time saying no to requests (though I have gotten better at that more recently) and I have a hard time making decisions. Not always because I am not sure what I want to do, but I take into consideration what someone else might want me to do.

I have been tearing myself apart for the last 2-3 days because, though I was a basket case over the weekend, and early this week, I have been more emotionally stable the last couple of days. I have been feeling better, so I have been struggling with keeping the appointment today with my counselor. Yesterday, and even this morning I woke up with anxiety, and kept saying to myself, “You are so dumb. You will be fine if you cancel the appointment. You are blowing things out of proportion. Your counselor is going to be so disappointed in you.” And on and on and on. I have had a couple of good friends encourage me to keep the appointment, because maybe I can skip the next one if the week goes well.

But it sure is hard to listen to the encouragement, when all you can hear when you are alone is the discouragement, and the thoughts of being pathetic and overly dependent on other people.

Yup, God knew what I needed when He spoke to my heart this morning about self concept, and about being a people pleaser. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have those thoughts running through my head, but it at least gave me a wake up call, and made me realize what I am doing. I have been struggling with going to this appointment, because I am afraid of what my counselor will think of me, or what she will say about my not canceling. I am afraid that she will be disappointed in me. But what God showed me is that I shouldn’t fear her disappointment. How she thinks about me shouldn’t be my determining factor in going to see her or not.

If my friends/family/doctors/counselors are disappointed, or frustrated, or happy, or sad because of my decisions, if I am secure I am making the decisions based on what God is showing me, then I am doing the right thing. All I have to worry about is what God thinks of me. Ultimately I answer to Him, and Him alone.

That doesn’t mean I’m not still second guessing myself, it just means I am aware of it now. It doesn’t mean that I’m not tempted to just cancel the appointment and “tough” it out until next week. It means that I am looking back at how I was earlier this week, the thoughts that were running through my head… and looking at how I have been coping with things since then, and feel it would be safer to have someone on the outside, with experience, give me feedback and maybe some better coping skills.

So I am going to stop second guessing myself… at least about this appointment today, and I will go. Hopefully on a “bad” day I will be able to look at this post, and look at my notes about my devotional, and be reminded to change my focus from myself, to Jesus.

“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

His opinion is the only one that matters, because He sees the intentions of the heart.