Saturday, May 16, 2009

Who am I, really??

I feel like shouting...

"Will the real Heather, please stand up!"

I really do.

I am not really sure who I am anymore.

Through the past couple of years, as I have healed, God has broken down the walls and constructs I have built up to protect myself. He has demolished some of the "false selves" I have presented to the world as the "real me."

As those have come down, as my defense mechanisms have been shown for what they are, I have been left reacting to things differently than I used to.

I have found myself withdrawing, and disengaging in larger groups. I used to, at least for the most part, get into the middle of a group, and engage in a conversation or two. As long as I wasn't left sitting alone, I was ok. I wasn't looking to be the center of attention, but I was looking to be kept "occupied" so that I wouldn't feel the pain inside, I think.

I have found myself needing more alone time. Actually feeling more harried, impatient, and almost unhealthy if I don't get any for a while. I used to keep going and going, bouncing from one Christian activity to another. It felt, at the time that I was energized when I came away from these things. There were times that it was hard for me to wind down after being with a group. I thought that was because I was energized being in a group. I am thinking now, that it was a way for me to cope again with pain deep inside. If I could keep hyper during and after something, I could keep myself from feeling how truly lonely I was on the inside.

Now I am becoming at least a little more comfortable being alone, and by myself. I am enjoying it, rather than being overwhelmed by the silence. I find I can enjoy the silence and don't "need" music on in the background, or the TV on or something.

Here is a quote from chapter 2 of "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero.

"God intends our deeper, truer self, which he created, to blossom freely as we follow him. God has endowed each of us with certain essential qualities that reflect and express him in a unique way. Part of the sanctification process of the Holy Spirit is to strip away the false constructs we have accumulated and enable our true selves to emerge."

There is more too... I think I am going to be learning a lot as I go through this book with Cindy. I am done with chapter two, but I think I am going to have to keep processing it a bit at a time, as things come up.

But, I am not who I thought I was.

Now I feel lost.
I don't have the same reactions to situations I used to.
I find emotions sneaking up on me at unexpected times.
I get caught off guard.
I don't know what to expect.
I feel lost.

God, who am I? Who did you create me to be?


Cindy said...

Dearest Heather,
After reading your blog all my mind would go to was the hymn Amazing Grace.

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved; how precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed!

Thro' many dangers, toils, and snares, I have already come; tis grace hath bro't me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures; He will my shield and portion be as long as life endures.

When we've been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun, we've no less days to sing God's praise than when we first begun."

We all are in the process of becoming who God originally intended us to be. That process of change and growth will continue by God's grace till He calls us home.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1Cor. 13:12

I love you and I am praying for you,

Tina said...


You may not know who you are just yet but be assured that He knows, He is the one who has been peeling away the false layers constructed by hurts. What a journey you are on! I am so thankful that you are sharing it here for it really is a blessing to me. It is a testimony to His wonderful faithfulness and grace. It would seem that the really hard parts are behind you, I pray that is true as you continue to seek Him.

In Him,

Clay Feet said...

Heather, this reminds me of something I learned from Jim Wilder. He says that when a person moves from one stage of maturity to another that they go through something of an identity crisis. It is sort of like a snake shedding its skin. The skin becomes too small and feels uncomfortable and must be broken, shattered and discarded before one can discover a brand new identity that has been forming largely out of sight. I have felt this at times, sometimes more than others. After a while you start to welcome that discomfort because you realize that it is actually a sign of growth into something you are unfamiliar with but that God is calling you into.
Having different reactions to situations seems strange when they are suddenly unpredictable, but isn't that exactly what we have been praying for all along? We want to be different than we are but when it happens we feel a little out of place and even scared because we no longer know what we may feel. But God is calling us to be something we don't see yet. Embrace it, celebrate it and trust Him to protect you as you become familiar with your new self.
Remember, this self may not last long either. It may soon be outgrown too just as you get too comfortable with it and you will be called to move to another level again.