Thursday, March 20, 2008

Wake up call...

Today I did a quiet time that made a difference for me, though I am still processing through it. It is a Beth Moore “90 Days with David” study. Well, she was talking about how both puffed up, obvious pride, and low self image are very much the same thing. In essence they are focusing on self, rather than God.

I continued on to the next study that talked about being a people-pleaser. That is classically me. I do all I can to make and keep people happy. I have a hard time saying no to requests (though I have gotten better at that more recently) and I have a hard time making decisions. Not always because I am not sure what I want to do, but I take into consideration what someone else might want me to do.

I have been tearing myself apart for the last 2-3 days because, though I was a basket case over the weekend, and early this week, I have been more emotionally stable the last couple of days. I have been feeling better, so I have been struggling with keeping the appointment today with my counselor. Yesterday, and even this morning I woke up with anxiety, and kept saying to myself, “You are so dumb. You will be fine if you cancel the appointment. You are blowing things out of proportion. Your counselor is going to be so disappointed in you.” And on and on and on. I have had a couple of good friends encourage me to keep the appointment, because maybe I can skip the next one if the week goes well.

But it sure is hard to listen to the encouragement, when all you can hear when you are alone is the discouragement, and the thoughts of being pathetic and overly dependent on other people.

Yup, God knew what I needed when He spoke to my heart this morning about self concept, and about being a people pleaser. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have those thoughts running through my head, but it at least gave me a wake up call, and made me realize what I am doing. I have been struggling with going to this appointment, because I am afraid of what my counselor will think of me, or what she will say about my not canceling. I am afraid that she will be disappointed in me. But what God showed me is that I shouldn’t fear her disappointment. How she thinks about me shouldn’t be my determining factor in going to see her or not.

If my friends/family/doctors/counselors are disappointed, or frustrated, or happy, or sad because of my decisions, if I am secure I am making the decisions based on what God is showing me, then I am doing the right thing. All I have to worry about is what God thinks of me. Ultimately I answer to Him, and Him alone.

That doesn’t mean I’m not still second guessing myself, it just means I am aware of it now. It doesn’t mean that I’m not tempted to just cancel the appointment and “tough” it out until next week. It means that I am looking back at how I was earlier this week, the thoughts that were running through my head… and looking at how I have been coping with things since then, and feel it would be safer to have someone on the outside, with experience, give me feedback and maybe some better coping skills.

So I am going to stop second guessing myself… at least about this appointment today, and I will go. Hopefully on a “bad” day I will be able to look at this post, and look at my notes about my devotional, and be reminded to change my focus from myself, to Jesus.
“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

His opinion is the only one that matters, because He sees the intentions of the heart.

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