Monday, March 17, 2008

The weekend on the inside...

Now for the other stuff…. the part where my words just seem dry and unable to describe how things really are going.

Friday night, I went to bed with Dave, at 11pm, and got up about an hour later, because my tossing and turning was keeping him awake. And frankly, I couldn’t turn off my brain. So I came out and sat at my desk. I did a bit of journaling, and then something possessed me to find all the paperwork and handouts that I had gotten on my discharge from the hospital. I flipped to a packed of information called “the way out of depression.” After reading through that, I ended up scanning through my other paperwork.

Then I came upon my “Wellness Plan” worksheet I had filled out in the hospital. It talked about the triggers or stressors in my life that help cause depression for me. It also had some of the early warning signs of depression, as well as severe warning signs.

As I read through it, I realized that 3 or 4 of the stressors were in place right now in my life. The I also realized that I was having many of the early warning signs that are unique to me. Then it hit me. No wonder I have been feeling so overwhelmed and easily frustrated. No wonder I was experiencing more anxiety and depression. Its because there are a lot of things right now that are triggering situations, that I am trying to deal with.

I have been starting down the path of depression again. Somehow I never even saw it. I don’t know if anyone around me has seen it. No wonder I have been feeling like I’ve been having mood swings. I HAVE been. No wonder I have been feeling depressed. I HAVE been.

I did some more praying and journaling, trying to get my thoughts under control, and finally went to bed. When I got up in the morning and went out with Peter, I managed to keep myself busy enough to keep from thinking. I even got through that night all right.

Then came church. I couldn’t concentrate, had a hard time praying, and a hard time worshipping. I wanted to talk more with people and connect a bit, but wasn’t able to. I felt isolated, and lonely, and felt like I was avoiding people on my own, not taking the opportunities given to really tell someone how I was feeling. The only person I was able to be real with, by not even saying anything was my associate pastor. He purposely sought me out, and came up to me and asked purposely, “How’s it going today, Heather?” I just looked at him, and could feel the tears starting to come. He smiled, gave me a hug and encouraged me to hang in there.

After leaving the farm, I came home and just decided to take a nap. I fell asleep almost right away, but then woke about an hour later from a bad dream and couldn’t shake it. I left the house, grabbed some food from a drive-thru, and headed to Wausau for my choir rehearsal. I got there extremely early, so drove to a park right behind our rehearsal space. I found a secluded parking spot.

And that is where the emotions came flooding out. I pounded on the steering wheel of the car, then broke down. I just felt so hopeless and helpless to stop this cycle I am in, I still do, but at least this morning I have let out some of the more surface emotions… through sobbing in the car yesterday. I ended up having to pull myself together to make it through choir. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to sing, I didn’t want to see anyone. But it was a long time till 8pm, (the end of the rehearsal) and I didn’t know what else to do. I did what was expected, go to rehearsal, sing, and try to stop thinking.

When I got home, and went to bed with Dave, he asked me how things were really going for me, how my weekend was. I said, “Well, I took an Ambien tonight to stop my thoughts so I could sleep…” And then told him how I was really doing. And started to cry…. again. He held me and just listened. It helped to at least be able to talk to him.

I told him I felt stupid, because this week, I really want to do what my counselor wants, and skip this week’s appointment so that I can move out to one appt. every two weeks. I told him I would feel so dumb going in, and that I probably should just cancel the appointment. He didn’t agree with that, and told me to just see how the week goes. He also mentioned that if I am still like this later this week, I was going.

So that is my weekend from the inside. Outside it looks normal, inside not so much. I suppose it is that way with everyone. Look put together outside, but really falling apart on the inside. At least, some of the time.

I just hate feeling so stuck and helpless to do anything about it.

Please God, help me through this!

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