Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Running, getting out of the way...

So, my counselor asked me last week to do something. She said, “Feel free to wonder, or ponder what might be in that box.”

That statement sent me running all week. I did all sorts of avoiding. I will spare you the icky details, but I avoided with the best of them.

I spent time with God every morning, doing my Beth Moore devotional. I even prayed. But that was with the kids around, or my husband nearby. As soon as I realized I was going to have more than 20 minutes alone, after the kids were in bed, I started the song and dance. Well, I really should do this… I want to do that… I wonder about that box…. oh no, we aren’t going there…. hmmm, let’s read a book…. let’s read the book my counselor gave me, then at least I am doing something constructive that she wanted me to do.

And on it went. Those are only some of the thought processes, not even the actions that followed, that were less than flattering. So much for learning and employing good coping skills. In a pinch, the bad ones surfaced, and I made full use of them.

Just thinking of needing to tell my counselor tomorrow, of how I have been coping, makes me nervous. I don’t want to tell her how I have found myself putting up walls sometimes when I am in her office because I am afraid to be honest sometimes, or because I am afraid of what the therapy might reveal. And the therapy doesn’t work as well, unless I trust my counselor completely, and unless I am a fully willing participant in it.

I am afraid to go, because I know that we are going to tackle stuff where we left off last week. I am sure some of you have noticed that I didn’t do much talking about last week’s session of counseling. That is because during the therapy, we were trying to get to the box that I have seen before, and this time to actually get it open, so that it won’t have such a hold over me.

Even as I tried to get closer, picturing someone that I trust dearly with me, I suddenly felt like I was surrounded by a fog, or darkness. I felt completely alone, and just surrounded by fear. To the point that I was almost frozen. She kept trying to talk me through it, but I really felt frozen. She had me stop the therapy, and we talked a bit, and she looked at the clock, and lamented the fact that we didn’t have more time. We really needed another half hour. So she worked on bringing me back to a point where I could relax more and function better. I still felt very shaky inside. And I realize now, that when I hit that extreme fear, I think that my brain could not handle it, and shut down my emotions.

My counselor asked me how I was doing, and I said, “Ok, I guess.. oh, I don’t know. I am thankful I won’t be alone tonight, as I will be with my small group.” She was glad about that, prayed for me, and then as we talked just a bit more, before I left, she offered me a hug. That’s when she realized how much I was shaking. She said something about hoping that she hadn’t stirred stuff up that I wouldn’t be able to deal with during the week. When I didn’t respond right away, she asked, “I didn’t did I?” I told her I didn’t know, but I didn’t think so.

We walked out of her office and I realized that she had given me an extra 10 minutes or so over into the next hour. I held myself together, as I walked out of the office, but I could feel the emotions starting to come to the surface again. I made it to my car. I couldn’t even get in the car before the tears started to come. I sat in the car and sobbed, and then journaled a little bit, to get myself under control so that I could make the half hour drive home.

She said that we were going right back to where we left off, this week, and she was going to push me hard. She said that she wanted to help me get that box open, if I was willing to go there. She is leaving it up to me, but she really wants to help me get through this block, so that I can progress.

So therefore, this week I have been avoiding thinking, and instead ran. I suppose I could have written about this earlier, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I just didn’t know what to write or how to write. I was still avoiding. So, tonight, the night before my counseling, I am pleading for those who read this post to pray for me tomorrow. I have some close friends on this end praying for me, but I would covet your prayers as well.

I guess the biggest prayer would be that I would get out of the way.
Out of the way of God and what He wants to do tomorrow.
Out of the way of myself and stop analysing and thinking so much.
Out of the way of how the therapy works, so that I don’t try to force things that aren’t there.
Out of the way of the Holy Spirit and how He wants to guide the session.
Out of the way so the Holy Spirit can speak to both myself and my counselor, Tricia

Also, pray for Wisdom to discern what God wants, what He is saying to us, and if the enemy is working to confuse the matter.
Thank you for your prayers, and I promise I will write sooner to update you on how things went….

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