Here is a prayer from my heart, recopied from my journal tonight… written about at about midnight.
Oh Lord, I am tired of running. I am so tired of fighting. I am tired of avoiding. But I am scared of standing, I am scared of opening myself to You, of opening myself to Tricia (my counselor) - about the stuff I have been doing this week to keep me from thinking. Oh Lord, even now, as I am praying, I just want to numb out, I want to do something enough to stop thinking, to stop the tears and pain that I feel welling up now. It won’t put me in a good place tomorrow morning. It won’t help me in being open. It won’t help me in my relationship with You. Please help me God. I don’t want to go there. I want the pain to be eased by You, in Your arms, with Your love. Please comfort me now and five me Your peace so I can sleep tonight. Prepare my heart, soul and mind even as I sleep, for my counseling tomorrow. Amen and Amen.
And with that, the computer is being shut down, and I am heading to bed… its now 2:21am. So much for sleep before the kids get me up at 8am.