truth meeting lies...

I wrote so much last week, having to write that "no send" letter, that I was out of a lot of words, once I wrote about it here last Wednesday.  Now here it is a week later, and a new year, and I find I haven't written at all.

Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me.  I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep well over the weekend.  I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running.  Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours.  I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.

I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.

Monday's session was grueling with Tricia.  Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.

I had an hour and a half session.  We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened.  Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter.  I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.

She asked if I was willing to read it.  I said that I needed to.  She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.

Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read.  I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go.  When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.

She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter.  That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read.  That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.

For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.

Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there.  In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:

1. What was the worst thing about this (relationship) -- a portion?  The whole thing?
2. What is the negative cognition, what is the lie or lies I am believing because of it?
3. What is the positive cognition, what do I want to believe about myself (the truth) even though this happened?

These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session.  Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.

I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it.  I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet.  I probably will burn it or something like that.  I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot.  I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well.  It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself.  It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."

One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.

We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed.  I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough.  We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested.  When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there.  Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.

Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.

I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night.  She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time.  That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.

So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him.  But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.

How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time?  Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill.  I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run.  But which do I choose?  Moment to moment it seems to swing.

I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night.  I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned.  All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.

All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking.  All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas.  I am afraid to open them up.  I don't want to.  I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed.  I know the healing on the other side too.  But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.

I was told to care for myself this week.  I was told to treat myself gently.  i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.

"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God.  Of all the people on earth, the Lord you God has chosen you to be his own special treasure" (NLT)

Chosen to be His own special treasure?  That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me.  In spite of what happened.  Really?

And this is where the lies are fighting the truth.  This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing.  Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds.  The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.

I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.

I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems.  That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee.  From everyone and everything.

Telling the truth

My appointment last week was successful in that by the end of it, I was in enough a better state from when I went in.  Tricia talked with me for the hour, just walking me through the memories, thoughts and lies I was struggling with.

At the end, she looked a little bit relieved and said that I seemed to be doing better than when I came in.  She asked if that was wishful thinking, and I said no, I did feel better.



I went back to work this week, after a VERY snowy and cold weekend, and got through the first two days relatively well.  It feels like the memories have faded some to the background.  Not maybe that they have faded, but that I have been allowed to ignore them and live above them for the time being.

However, yesterday, I started having my anxiety ramp up.  It started with trying to help our pastor with a computer problem, then solving other problems, and by the end of the day, I was so frustrated.  As I was coming home, my anxiety was going higher.  I had to take the kids to their Wednesday night church activities, and by the time they were dropped off, I had to get out of the town, over the bridge to the nearest McDonald's.  Sounds weird, but I just needed a spot to park and breathe, and as I needed to eat, that was the first place I thought of.

I grabbed my phone and tried calling Cindy D. first, but we were able to talk for only a few minutes, long enough for me to tell her about the anxiety attacking me right then.  Then I tried calling my best friend, Cindy, but she was so sick, she wasn't even able to answer her phone.

I realized that God just wanted me. 

So I grabbed my bag and went inside McDonald's, got some food, and then settled down to eat, read and journal.  I had gotten a book from a friend, so I read through some of that and made notes about what hit me and what I felt like God was saying to me.

I am much more stable than I was last week.  Partially because, well, because I am being a better girl than I was last week.

You see, I had my appointment with Tricia last Monday, but the week before that I started fighting with myself about taking my anti-depressant.  I don't really know why, but I didn't want to take it.  I thought I was doing better, and as I had a counseling appointment coming up, I wanted to be able to "feel" the emotions (not that I can't now... but I think they can be much more intense - and painful as I learned) as I was going through the appointment.

So, I started slacking off on taking it.  Like skipping two days, taking it one, skipping 3 days and then having my Monday appointment.  Then I don't really remember when I took the next one, maybe Tuesday night after I got home from my friends house... after my day full of panic attacks. 

When I talked with Tricia on Thursday at my added in appointment, she said that she had brought up my case in her collaberation that morning because she was concerned that I was going backwards rather than forwards.  She said that two different people had asked if she knew if I was taking all my medications.  She told me she would have never thought to ask that, so asked me if I had been taking them all.  I said that I had missed a "couple" of the anti-depressant.  When she asked why, I froze, and then blurted that I had lapsed between refills.  When she asked again how many I had missed, I told her 2-3.

I out and out lied to her.

Why would I lie to someone that I profess to trust, who has walked with me through so much?  I have never lied to her that blatantly before!  I don't get it.

Once I started taking my meds again and started to think more clearly, I started asking myself this, but shying away from God just yet.

Yesterday, it really came to a head as I talked with a friend again on the phone.  No one knew about my not taking my medication, except for one friend and his wife whom I told through an email.  At one point, she asked me why I was having a hard time doing something else Tricia had asked me to do, and if I was going to tell her.  When I said I wasn't sure, she asked me why, because she knew that I was pretty brutally honest with her.

Then I just spit it out and told her that it was because I hadn't been honest about some other things.  There was some silence on the other end of the phone as she thought a minute and then she said that she wasn't going to ask if I didn't want to tell her.  So, I blurted it out about how much of the meds I had missed, and that I had purposely done it.

It was hard to say, but good I think, because I needed to say it to someone real, someone who knows me in real life, who can get right up to me, in my face, and find out if I am taking them or not... or at least, she won't mother me, but is someone I can go to if I am struggling with it.

Now though, she made me realize that I have to tell Tricia.
and I don't want to.
I don't want to disappoint her.

She asked me if I was punishing myself.  We had talked the previous day about the little things, like not eating well, or staying up too late, or not taking care of my hand well enough - and as random comments popped out of my mouth, it became apparent that I really didn't think highly enough of myself to take care of myself the way I should.  It's way better than it used to be, but still, not where it should be.... still lies there to be uncovered and dealt with.

So she asked me if I was punishing myself.  If I thought that I didn't deserve love (or I would insert here peace, joy or freedom) enough so I was delaying the healing process by not taking my medication correctly.

Honestly, I don't know.  I guess maybe I have been in a way.  I think I knew that my body/emotions were going to react that way because of not taking the meds.  And I didn't care.  It isn't too hard for me to do something that will inflict emotional pain on myself.  Leave some issue unresolved, and then stop taking medications, and self sabotage.

At one point yesterday I said to myself, and to God that I really didn't want to live with that 19-20 year old that did those things, and that was subjected to those things back in college.  I blurted out (I was alone in the sanctuary) that she really should just die. 

I heard those words echo through the sanctuary, and I looked to the front, at the cross. 
Then said, "She really doesn't deserve to die, because neither does anyone else I have talked to, that I know who have been abused or made bad decisions."

Then I left a question hanging in the air and walked out of the sanctuary.

"Now that we are all forgiven and covered by Your blood, do we still deserve to die, anyway?"

The obvious answer is that by God's mercy and grace, He wants to heal us from those things in our past that have hurt us so.  I know that.  But there is part of me that just wants to crush that girl who was, and grind her out of existence so I don't have to think about her anymore.

What God really wants me to do is to embrace her... go back to her as the adult I am now and embrace her and give her the love that she wasn't getting from another human being, and through that, point her to God.  Point her to the truth.  In so doing, I will open the door (with God's help) to Him coming in and healing her, healing me and there will be no more "her" and "me" but there will be "I."  I will be more whole, more integrated, more healed, and more able to deal with other pains, or resolve other conflicts and grow up some more.

One of the most effective ways for me to go back and embrace that little girl that needs love so much is through the process of EMDR, as Tricia guides me through it.  God has healed me so much, and so quickly many times, and so effectively, using that process. 

But from experience, I have learned that it doesn't work very well when there are barriers between you and your therapist.  Whether she knows of it or not.  I have had times where we have gotten blocked and when God finally led me to tell her something, as we started the EMDR God met me in a powerful way.

If I want to have Tricia help me and guide me through the process of EMDR dealing with these past memories that have become so current and fresh, I need to be honest with her.  Which means, I have to tell her about the medication and how I purposely stopped taking it.  I need to be able to let go and let down all the barriers.  If something is keeping me from telling her the full truth, then it means I don't trust her fully for one reason or another.

At least, I think so.  I don't know.  Maybe it isn't that I don't trust her fully.  Maybe it's that I am afraid that she is going to be disappointed with me.  I look up to her.  I don't want to disappoint her, or cause disapproval.  I think I'm afraid that she is going to just dismiss last week as all about the lack of medication.  I know the lack of medication intensified everything, every emotion, but there was more behind it than that.  I couldn't think very clearly or claim the truth for myself, but I was experiencing (probably too closely) the things that had happened in my past and I wasn't able to shut it down, I didn't have control.  The inability to control what was going on emotionally, or to think clearly was from the medication.

Maybe the desire I have to not take the anti-depressant is because I am scared of what this time from January to March will look like if I were more healed and whole and on my meds and more stable.  I mean, that's whole new territory for me.  And it's scary.  This is my familiar.  This is what I know.  The ups and downs, the anxiety and depression, the fear and darkness.  To have a possibility of walking in the light again is scary.

But as I read in Psalm 139 today, even if I want the darkness to cover me and the light to become night around me, even the darkness is like light to God, and it shines like the noonday.  No matter what I do, God sees, He knows the motives of my heart, He understands, and He still loves.  Even this fearful, trembling girl who's afraid to walk forward and this fearful, angry adult who wants to crush out the past.

He still loves.

Oh God, help me cling to Your truth!

Darkness. Struggles. Truth. Lies.

One of my dear friends just got told some hard news from her doctor.  Last night, I was the first person she told.  Like she said, it was like a punch in the gut.  No conclusions, no answers yet, but suspicions and the mind goes immediately to the worst case scenario, even as you are praying for the best.

For me, there are no tears yet.  Those will come.  Right now, only questions.

Why?
Why her?
Why now?
After all she's been through the last couple of years or so?

Really God?

Another very good friend of mine is dealing with some very hard things.  Things in her life that are surfacing for the first time.  She is dealing with them fresh and new, and the backlash of emotions as a result.  Rage, depression, despair, reliving the experiences, the senses, smells, sounds, sights, nightmares, fear.

Her words came yesterday as we were on the phone briefly...

"it's either keep on going... or kill myself....
But, I'm too stubborn... too stubborn to give up now.
wait, I like the word determined better...

I'll keep on going.
But I feel like I am drowning."

I know she is safe.  I double checked that.  I know she is keeping on trying to hang onto God.

But the depth of where she is right now, the darkness that is overwhelming her, surrounding her, blinding her.  I recognize it.  I have been there, and my friend Cindy walked with me through it all.  She was there, even when she didn't have the words to say.  She prayed.  She listened.  She prayed some more.

So that is what I am doing.  I have been allowed into this friend's inner circle, one of the few people she is turning to when she needs to talk, and she is allowing me to call her, and check in and see how things are going.  I am privileged to be allowed to walk alongside her through this dark time.

Just like my Cindy was for me.  I don't have the words all the time, but I am more than willing to listen and pray and hang in there with her for the long haul.

I look at these two situations.  Vastly different, but just as painful and dark and hard.  I look at myself and what I am going through and it seems so insignificant.

It makes me think that in reality, I don't need to see Tricia anymore.  She has much bigger things to deal with than me.  I keep thinking that I am blowing out of proportion the things I am dealing with because they seem so unimportant in comparison.

This situation I am dealing with - the first guy that I ever gave myself away to, that started off a chain reaction of poor relationships - seems so small now.

Yes, I did deal with some of it in my past counseling with Tricia, at least a little bit.  However, the way things surfaced in my counseling with her, it seemed it all led to this relationship and the things that happened there.  So, that's where we went.

The self hate, the anger at the guy, at myself, disgust, worthlessness, feeling so dirty, like I was just a number in a long list..... as they surfaced, they surprised me with their intensity, and scared me too.  I felt kind of like I was floating out to sea without a sail, without oars, and nothing to steer with.

The emotions have surfaced from time to time, in short bursts this week.  For the most part though, they have been shut down.  Closed off.  Maybe this is God's way of protecting me and keeping me safe until I see Tricia again this coming Monday.  Maybe it's my way of protecting myself.  I'm not sure anymore.

In the meantime, I feel like I should just cancel and not see her anymore, because there are so many others who are hurting so much more, and I am just wasting time and money.

Lies most likely.

Because I am having hard time pinning down my emotions or thoughts about the relationship, I am having a hard time believing the truth.  What "sounds" like logic to me says that I am just making up reasons to keep on seeing Tricia.

I don't know what to think.

The way I collapsed on the floor of the bathroom, after my last session with Tricia, makes me think that I need to keep on going until I get some of this resolved at least.  The way I feel now tells me I was dumb to extend my Monday appointment with her from 60 minutes to 90 minutes.  Another part of me is scared to go into January and February without having the chance to touch bases with her every couple of weeks, because my emotions tanked so badly after Christmas last year.

Please pray for my two friends and the extreme difficulties they are going through right now.

Pray for me as well, that the truth would break through the lies, and that I would be willing to first submit to God and let go of my resistance against Him that I'm sensing.... and secondly that I would then stand and resist the enemy.

I want to trade the lies for truth, the fears for dependence on God, the worries for intentional praises of Him who is our Jehovah-Rapha.  The God who Heals.

reminder of His love in pain

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful.  Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving.  It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe."  Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love.  In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now).  This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship.  It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of.  We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time.  I have been reeling some since Monday night.  It was hard work folks!  I was so raw when I left Tricia's office.  I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted.  I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor.  I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car.  Pretty quickly I started sobbing.  I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching.  I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly.  My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying.  Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room.  And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship.  I am fighting with it for sure.  I know the truth.  It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart.  It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to.  So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word.  As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart.  And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!"  Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time.  I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God.   The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me.  And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!!  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord.  I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

Time to Break Free...

Tomorrow is the day.

We are starting the "Breaking Free" bible study by Beth Moore at our church. In the end we are going to have a total of 9 ladies (counting myself) once one comes back from a vacation.

This year, I am leading the Thursday morning women's study. Last year another gal was, but she and her family have moved further north of here, and while they are still coming down to our church for Sundays, she has had to back out of other things to be close to home for her kids who are just starting school.

So, I realized that most of the summer was gone and no one else was stepping forward to lead.

I could have let it slide.
I could have let it go.

But all the gals who had done it last year really loved getting together.

I prayed about it some, and reasoned that I would be going to it if someone else led it, and because we'd probably do a Beth Moore study, and the teaching is all done by her, by video, that I could at least facilitate.

And as I thought about it, there were many that were running through my head.... I kept thinking of all the studies she has put out. I kept coming back to one. I couldn't get it out of my head.

I am pretty sure this is the one God hand picked for those of us going through the study. "Breaking Free: Making freedom in Christ a reality in life."

I don't know each of their stories, or where they are on their path with God. But for this moment in time, for this semester, God has caused all our paths to converge, to come together for this study.

I know where I am. I know the struggles I have had. I know the fears I have. The depression I have been battling.

I have been back in counseling. I have been going again, trying to get a handle on what is going on in my life, and in my emotions. I know that I have been walking in freedom, but now something is holding me back. There is something re-surfacing, that I need to work through for further healing.

I think this study is coming at a really good time for me, and for maybe all the others who will be involved.

I also know it will be a great challenge to lead, because of how the enemy attacks when we step into leadership. The old lies and insecurities resurface and the little voice inside starts whispering,

"Who do you think you are? You can't do this! You're nothing. There's no way you can even begin to pray for these people, much less anything else. You are nothing, you have nothing, and if they knew about your past...."

Will you please pray for me?

Will you please pray with me?
Will you pray that everyone who starts will complete the study to the end?
Will you pray for God's truth to penetrate hearts and minds, and that we would be willing to act on what He tells us?

Will you pray for me as I lead, and facilitate and pray for these precious women, these precious sisters in Christ.

Please pray too, that if there is anyone else who is meant to be in the study, they'd just show up. We have a couple of extra books that someone could take.

Pray that God's mighty Spirit would blow through us and change us, and through us, inspire and encourage others to change as well.

I am going to spend the rest of my night tucking in my kids, snuggling into bed and praying/journaling for the study tomorrow, and for my time with Tricia in my counseling session tomorrow afternoon.

May God bless you all!

From a devotional...

I got emailed this devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries today. It prompted me to write the following thoughts in my journal.

• **How many times have I given reasons that I cannot be built into God's image?
• **How many times have I totally trashed and torn down part of God's creation (myself)?
• **How many times have I denied access to God - denied Him access to my life and heart?

Yet -

• **In His Word, He speaks the truth to me - ready to meet all my arguments with His Truth.
• **He is ready to always rebuild what I have torn down into something even better.
• **He is holding me - even when I push His love away - and waits. All the time showing me His love, over and over, in His Word, Creation and the Body of Christ.

...till I finally listen and hear
and slow down
and soak in His truth...

In soaking - maybe I will finally allow some more of that truth to really get into the marrow of my bones.

picked up pieces...

So, my cup was overturned, empty and scattered before the retreat. But God picked up the pieces and held me together.

I made it through the retreat. It was an amazing success, that had nothing to do with me or the team or the speaker, and absolutely everything to do with God.

Friends, Jesus showed up there! There were people prayed over. There were people who's eyes were opened, and hopefully healing that was started as well that weekend.

You know, looking back on it now, I can see that God started dealing with and healing brokenness in my life, too. I just didn't see it that way till just this second.

Friday night I had to fight off anxiety and depression. Through mis-communication, I got there late with all the sound equipment, etc. After finally getting set up, I had time to "throw together" the prayer room. Thankfully God provided a perfect place.

Just as I got it done our speaker got there.
As we had been communicating throughout the past couple of weeks, usually via email, she knew I was dealing with depression.

Once she was settled and came back up to the main level, she pulled me aside and asked how I was doing, and wouldn't take "fine" for an answer. :)

We settled into the night, and got through the ice breaker, worship set and speaking portion. After wards, we had had snacks and people sat and chatted (while I, the fire bug, lit a fire in the huge fireplace) pulled out games, and generally had a lot of fun.

When I went to bed, things were still going strong and I wanted to stay up, but knew I needed to sleep if I was going to be of any use the next day in facilitating things.

I forced myself to sleep, before the depression overcame me and I cried myself to sleep.

In the morning, I forced myself awake, and went out to the commons area. I bundled up, went out and stood on the deck in the still dark morning. It was beautiful and quiet and perfect, but my eyes weren't seeing it then. I couldn't see anything through the storm of tears I was trying to hold back. I grabbed wood for the fire, came back in, and started up the fire place again for the day.

I couldn't settle in and read, or pray or journal, so I finally got up and started to putter in the kitchen till it was time to start breakfast.

During breakfast I got to sit with our speaker. The whole table of us gals talked and shared, but eventually she and I got into a private conversation. Much was shared there, but her listening and sharing got me to the point of breaking down my guard. I finally shared how poorly I was doing that morning.

Folks, I didn't even want to lead worship that morning. I wanted to go back to bed. I tried to hide the depth of it, but I know she saw it. I also know she prayed for me, though not face to face right there.

I did manage to lead, and kept going through the morning - even singing special music - going to the prayer room to pick up requests and pray for them.

I broke down in the kitchen before lunch, when the others of our team were out and everyone was elsewhere.

Not just cried.
The dam burst.

The noise of the fans and stuff in the kitchen disguised the gut wrenching sobs, that threatened to bring me to my knees right there.

It really was God who pulled me back together.
I couldn't calm myself on my own.

But once I did, it was all I could do to keep from detaching completely, in self protection. Old coping patterns die hard, is all I have to say about that.

Surprisingly (or not) God got me in on a conversation where I could help speak into a dear sister's heart and life, during our lunch time.

I was drained when I came home, but God gave me the heart and energy to pour into that same sister who needed more of Him that night.

I got up Sunday morning for church, raced in and unloaded the sound equipment, then ran upstairs to run our warm up for worship team. As I waited later for the church service to start, a new friend came over to talk and see how I was doing, because she knew I had been in a very bad place in our small group the Thursday before the retreat.

I couldn't even look at her. And I couldn't stop shaking. She pressed some tissue into my hand before she left me at the start of the service.

Our opening was fine.
The sermon was great.
Except it had me in tears. Surprise. surprise.

Then I had to get back up and sing. It was all I could do in my own strength to hold myself together, and it wasn't working. I begged God to keep me from falling over up there. It was only 3 songs. By the last song, I had to hang onto the outside edge of the pulpit to keep myself steady on my feet. I haven't been that shaky in a long time.

Then I had to pray to close the set.

Ok, I didn't "have to" other than feeling the Spirit prompting me.
Sigh.
You really can't ignore Him.
Sigh.

So I prayed and started to break down again. I barely finished the prayer audibly, and seated everyone, then fled the sanctuary to pull myself together, in time to come back in and cry through all of communion.

It was something about remember Christ's body, broken for me, topping off a weekend about brokenness, OF brokenness that did me in!

Gee. God knows how to do that too, doesn't He?

Somehow, though my cup was empty and overturned, and truly broken - when I needed to minister in worship and service - He filled me and used me, this broken cup - over the whole weekend.

After church, I got home, curled up in bed, and cried myself to sleep, like I had been wanting too all weekend.

It didn't feel nearly as good as I had thought.
It didn't really help either.

When I got to work in the morning though, God impressed on me that I needed to tell my two pastors in our staff meeting what was going on with me. When I did, at the end of the meeting they prayed for me, and though I worked through the full day, God was merciful and it was an easy day.

Late Monday night (a week ago now) I got an email from my friend Pete and his wife Donna, in response to my email to them. I ended up being able to get together with them mid-day on Tuesday. My pastor, the only other person at the church that day with me, agreed that I had to go, and caught the phone calls for me while I was gone for about 3 1/2 hours.

It was hard, but I was able to share where I was at, and only because God really broke through to me over the weekend. He broke through the self imposed isolation I had been in... even when I didn't realize till later that's where I was.

No one really knew where I was at or how I was doing, and God put a stop to that.

My friends helped me pin down some lies I have been believing. Ones that are familiar to me, and others that are new, that slipped in under the radar in the last stressful month or two.

As Pete said, I never really had the chance to process through them like I normally do. I identified them right at the get go, but got so busy and stressed that I forgot all about them... as the enemy would want it.

When they commented that they didn't want to see me go down the road I had been down 2+ years ago, I said that I didn't want to either. That I wasn't there, yet.

I think they could have done without the "yet" in that sentence. (I could have too, but needed to be honest that it felt like a very slippery slope)

I was scared at how low I had fallen into the pit of depression, hopelessness, despair.

But oh, our God is so good!

I got a full hour, at least, the next morning at work. In the quiet with no phone calls.
I was able to sit in the library by a fire (see a pattern here?!) and pray, renounce lies, announce and claim the truth, and generally spend a good deal of time in prayer and in the Word.

Though the depression didn't lift fully that day, in the succeeding days (especially as I look back from where I am now) it did lift a bit at a time.

I had a weekend away with my family, which I was not looking forward to at the beginning of last week. But now I have recovered more from the stress. I have reconnected with my family. I feel a bit more like me.

It is still way too easy for me to be overwhelmed. I am still having trouble prioritizing things. I am still struggling with depression (though not as thick and dark as before, and much more recognizable), and some major lies that are wanting to creep in there. It's one of those things, just as I feel like I am having some success on one front, the enemy is trying to outflank me, and come in the back door.

But today I had some good solid time (though shorter than I wanted) with God. It got me off on the right foot.

Please continue to pray for me as I seek to make healthy choices for my soul, and healthy choices for my body. There is a lot of opposition there right now. Like I said, the enemy is trying to use a back door to trigger more bad coping patterns and other stuff.

There will be more about that in coming days as I find more time to write, now that I am feeling a bit better.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Thank God for how He used this weekend and my dear family of friends here to break me down! He broke my pride. He broke through my thick walls of isolation, where literally I was broken to pieces, and He is putting me together, yet again.

In the grip of lies...

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. There is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

So, that is where I left you in my last post.... Now, if you haven't read that post, you do need to go back and read it HERE because this one hinges on that one.

Go on. I'll wait for you...

Ok, read it now?

Good.

Now where to go from here....

Oh yes, I was talking about living in an intimate relationship with Christ as our husband - that being the reconciliation that begins at forgiveness.

My next thoughts in my journal were:

Can I trust Him as my Husband? Is this where I am getting stuck? Trusting Him to love me and not leave me, not abandon me?

Talk about a loaded question!

I mean, I have traveled a long way in these two years of blogging. I have gone through a lot of healing, and a lot of it very transparent here. There are somethings, that for the sake of others I have kept off of the public forum. God has healed those as well.

God has taught me, over and over, how much He loves me. I know He does, and believe it with all my heart...

So I thought, until those words above came flowing out.

I think God is leading me deeper... to a deeper love. I have needed the love of Him as my Father... but now I need to know His deeper, more intimate love.... and trust it too. Know and believe it.

At the end of the sermon, our pastor gave us a time of reflection.

I wrote:

Oh Lord, can You possibly love this? This person that I am when I turn away from Your promptings?

The impression of His answer that I got and wrote down....

Who are you to tell me what to do with My love. I give it to whom I choose. I choose you and will not take it back. I do not love as men love.

How do you even respond to that, except with tears.

------------------------

Later a question was asked in our community group time that I am going to ask here.

What keeps you from living with the awareness of God's passionate love for you?

What keeps me from living with that awareness?

• I believe things that are not true.
• 
  
• I feel that God is going to do to me what others have - betray me and hurt me in the same ways, reject me and leave me alone in despair.
• 
  
• I believe the lies, wondering if I can really trust Him. Can I really believe, dare I believe what He says? That He is who He says He is, that He will do what He says He will do, that I am who He says that I am?

I need to believe the truth. I need to believe God's truth. I need to trust Him. I know it, but I need it to sink down deeper into my heart.

I am only now really starting to explore all of this. I am only now letting God crack open that door in my heart where I am broken and can't fix me. Where I have been running from.

I don't want to run.
I don't want to just cope.
I don't want to hide from God by doing other things.

I want to trust Him when I am anxious to calm me.
I want to trust Him when I am depressed to save me.
I want to trust Him when I feel empty to fill me.

I want to trust Him to satisfy my every hunger and thirst with Himself, rather than trying to fill myself with worldly pleasures that lead to pain and bondage... even if they are "harmless."

I don't want find myself waking up with regret in the morning because I indulged the night before.

The enemy is trying to rob me of the joy of the Lord which is my strength. He wants me to believe the lie that I can't trust God to keep loving me when I do wrong and hurt His heart.

That's really what it is. I have done some things that I know God is asking me not to. And guess what? I feel guilty. I will be doing them and even say out loud, "God I know you don't want me to do this, and I'm sorry. I already feel guilty." But in my pride and arrogance, stubbornness and willfulness, I keep on doing whatever it is.

Then I question myself later, and wonder how He could still possibly love me, when I totally stiff arm Him like that?

So I continue to run, because I don't want to see the dying embers of a Husband's love for me, flicker and go out.

I thought I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved me, flaws and all, past and present and future. I really did.

But it seems that there is more deep down, a hurt deep down that I haven't let God's love fully invade.

Here is my final prayer from my journal, from Sunday.

I need Your unconditional, passionate, crazy love to touch my heart in a deeper way than before. To loosen the grip of the lie.

The lie that I am not worth anything - that I am an object to be betrayed - that You will withdraw Your love from me - that You will take your hand off me.

Oh Lord, this hurts to look at. Yet there it is. There I am. It's ugly. The lie is ugly... and knowing its there, after all this time.... that I still believe that somewhere inside..... after all the hard work I have done.... after all the healing God has done.....

When God has proven Himself over and over to me, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, why do I still doubt Him? How can I allow the enemy in there so easily? Why is it so easy for me to surrender sacred ground, rather than stand and fight for it?!

I feel like such a fool when all God is doing is asking for another piece of my heart to heal back into the whole... and I am clenching it, while my hands are being cut to ribbons by it. I'm bleeding all over the place, and am trying to pretend that there is nothing wrong, when it's very obvious that something is terribly wrong.

I need to spend these last few minutes I have alone for the night with my Jesus, who wants me to come sit in His lap.

If you didn't read the link just above, about my heart, read it HERE. Because I need to remember that healing, and the truth in that, rather than the lie that is beating me down and holding me back.

If I can just let go and surrender to God.
Be broken before him.

I am broken inside.
Broken before Him is the only way I will be healed.

Advent of trust #9; Accepted

Last night at our home group we were talking about how we view ourselves in Christ is really affected by the lies we believe. We talked about joy, and what that is and where it comes from.

If we keep believing the lies that we are unloved by God, rejected by Him, we aren't going to know what true joy is because we won't see or believe that we are the apple of God's eye, that His face lights up with delight when He looks at us.

In Christ, I am completely accepted. I have been adopted as God's child. Not just that I have been accepted through a technicality and He has to accept me.... He has chosen me to be His own. I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. I am complete in Him... whole and holy. Christ's blood has covered everything. God sees me through that blood as completely white as snow.

I remember one of the things that I dealt with in counseling was a very intense self hatred, for a few specific incidences in my life. Ones that I felt I had participated in completely, and willingly at the time.

I hated myself for this, because though I was a Christian at the time, I still did something that was so reprehensible, I couldn't forgive myself. As Tricia (my counselor) and I worked through one specific instance that I found so horrendous, I was just shaking with self loathing. I was nearly sick to my stomach, because I could see it all again, experience it all again, in my mind's eye.

Then suddenly, I was still in that situation, but God gave me the image of me being covered by this waterfall, and I realized it was His blood. I stood under that waterfall of His blood, drenched from head to toe, worthy. Worthy because "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain" and it was His blood that covered me.

When we are able to break the lies (and we need to ask God to reveal them to us, and help us break them) with the Truth of who God says we are, then we can start living in freedom and joy. We need to cling to the truth in the face of those lies... with our heads, and then with our hearts.

As we do, we find ourselves living with a deeper sense of abiding joy. Even if we are overcome with grief, loneliness, hopeless despair, we have a route to return to joy from there. Our route is the truth that we have learned that counteracts the lies... no matter what we feel.

Finding God faithful to break the lies I have of not being accepted, or never being acceptable enough, finding the joy of living united with Him and one in spirit with Him (1 Cor. 6:17) has enabled me to trust Him.

I "lose" that trust from time to time. I revert back to believing the old lies from the past, the ones the enemy keeps bringing back up when there is a hole in my armor.

Yet, today I choose to look to the past to remind myself of the truth and the faithfulness that God has shown me. That I can trust. If He has been faithful in the past, He is faithful now, and He will be faithful in the future.

I renounce the lie that I am rejected, unloved, dirty or shameful because in Christ I am completely accepted.

I am complete in Christ. (Col. 2:10)

I will trust in Him at all times.


(some thoughts, and some direct quotes come from Neil T. Anderson, "The Steps to Freedom in Christ")

Advent of Trust #1; The beginning...

Last year I did a series of posts during Advent, to help me focus on Christ. It was a bit of pressure trying to write, and get everything up in time, but at the same time, it kept me focused through the days on God.

At the time I was really struggling with depression, despair, and fear. So I focused on Joy... titled the series, Advent of Joy.

This year I wasn't planning on doing any series of posts, only because with work, I didn't think I could keep it up.

I don't know if I will be able to keep up with every day... but I am not going to let that stop me from trying to write something... or to pick back up with it where I left off.

What I have been struggling with that brought me to the point of needing to write about it?
Trusting God.

I do trust Him. To a degree. To a certain level. But this path I am on has shown me that I am not trusting all the way. God has been showing me some lies that are very present, that I need to allow Him to break. They have a stranglehold on me at times. I find it difficult to let things go into God's hands.... for fear I will never have them back again.

Maybe I shouldn't have some of these things back again.... some things I might just need to give up doing or having, etc. Some things, I need to give up, to allow God to restore them rightly, or restore balance... giving up control of them... in a way I keep them, but better, safer hands than mine are holding them.

Anyway.... trust.

Advent is a path to prepare our hearts to receive our King... to repent, to meditate on Christ, to prepare the way of the Lord in our hearts, our lives, our families, our churches....

We are supposed to do this every day, in every way, but Advent is a time of more concentrated effort, a returning to what we should have been doing all year.

This advent is going to be a path for me to repent of the mistrust I have had. A time for me to see the barriers I have put up out of fear. A path for me to follow into deeper levels of trust and security in Christ.

I trust Him. I am totally secure in Him. But I need to move to deeper levels of understanding that (in my heart) and to further abandon in my relationship with Him.

I came to that conclusion last night, but didn't get it into words before now.

For me this will be an "Advent of Trust."

A path to walk, a meditation on my own heart/trust issues with God, a repentence of those areas I see God pointing out, a preparation and cleaning out of my heart's rooms to allow God fuller access to all of me.

It's just the advent of deeper trust... just the beginning of a new level for me.
There have been many beginnings these past years. New levels of freedom, joy, security, peace, living in Truth, trusting, loving.... One layer or two of the onion in these different areas have been peeled back... to reveal another layer (or many) yet to be dealt with. Same issues, but at a deeper level than before.

...the foundation laid...
...now the deeper healing...

And on it goes all our lives.

This is my Advent.... Trust.

What is yours?

some silence isn't golden...

A friend wrote an email to me yesterday.

His title of the email....

"Silence is golden, but..."

Yes, I have been pretty silent over here.

It's not just the season, and how busy it gets. It's not working.
Though, those things do contribute.

Emotionally I have been on a roller coaster the past week. Wrestling with God. Wrestling with myself. And, really spending a lot of that time trying to hide and stuff those emotions any way I could.

I know, not healthy. But its where I am at.

In the process of this day alone, God has shown me how off I have been, and started to reveal some other things to me that I really need to deal with... a lie or two laying there that have been hiding away. Things I thought were dealt with, but explain my reactions and behavior this week.

All that to say....

....depending on how tired I am tonight, I might not get to post about it till later on this weekend. But I wanted you to know that I am here. I am ok. Not great but ok.

Choosing to trust in the Lord, even when He doesn't make sense, and I don't get what He's doing or how in the world He can or will redeem things.

Fear has been pounding me pretty bad all week, and today is the first chance to take a deep breath without it constricting me.

Choosing to trust when fear is screaming in your face is extremely difficult. But I am trying. Today I keep refocusing myself.

One day at a time. One breath at a time.

I am grateful for my friend inquiring after me. It made me realize that if I cut myself off from others (yes, here on my blog as well as "in real life" people that I know and love) I am going to "go down under" so to speak. I can't live in isolation... and that was what the enemy has been trying to do... get me to isolate myself. From everyone.

Pray for me. And please pray for a dear sister, who is facing surgery and some serious health issues this coming week.

gardening gloves...

I was so tired this past week from VBS I could hardly think about anything. It also was so hot here, I was hibernating inside as much as I could, in the air conditioning. When I did go outside, I was in the sun, and managed to give myself a really good sunburn. I finally started feeling less pain from it 4 days later!

I have barely been able to keep up with a few blogs, and with some writing I need to do on my speeches for She Speaks.

But this past Friday I was able to get together with my friend Cindy. We talked through the chapter of the book we are on, and then talked. A lot.

It was a wonderful time of sharing for both of us. We didn't have any time constraints or anything, so we were able to just relax and not feel rushed. I was able to share a song I was doing for special music at church... talk about our family's of origin... go out to lunch together and do a bit of shopping... and I was also able to share what I already have done with my talks. It helped to talk to her, because it gave me some good constructive feedback, and gave me an idea of what I have to work on.

Just being with her got my brain working and processing again. I mean, I could hardly string two thoughts together prior to Friday!

I was all worked up about church on Sunday, because our Wednesday night worship rehearsal didn't seem to go very well to me, and I felt like I really hadn't been together with the band very well, and I was the team leader. I also hadn't been practicing my music for special music very long, and didn't have that worked out well either.

Cindy reminded me that God is the one who fills me and will enable me to do all things.

Our VBS director came in on the third day of VBS and said that she had nothing left to give for the week. She was tired and done. She had been poking around in her garage before leaving the house, and found an old gardening glove and brought it in with her.

She said that she was that glove. The glove could do nothing on its own. It couldn't garden, it couldn't pull weeds, nothing. It wasn't until she put her hand inside, that it could do anything. She reminded us that we are all gloves. We can't do anything on our own. It's the Holy Spirit filling us that enables us to move or do anything.

When Cindy reminded me that Sunday was in God's hands, I told her about that glove analogy. It just fit right in with what we were talking about.

So, here is a question for you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?

Is there something that you are facing, that is coming up (like She Speaks, or any "one time" event) that you are feeling less than capable of? Is there something in your life, or the life of your family that is more than overwhelming?

God has given us His most precious gift in His Son, and in His Spirit, indwelling us. Whether you feel it or not, He is there. He is an untapped power source. The very power that raised Jesus from the dead is given to us.

Tap into that power. Tell God that you can't do this. That is all He is waiting for. For you, and me, to admit that we can't do it. Then He asks us to step aside and watch Him work.

When I was in VBS and said to Him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't possibly teach these children any music, God stepped in. His Spirit filled me to overflowing, and taught those kids the music, intervening with discipline as needed. I remember almost watching myself from a 3rd person perspective on Thursday and Friday, realizing that there was no way that was me doing that.

I realized this past week, as my brain finally started to function again, that God had totally blown apart a box I had put myself, and Him, in.

I said to myself that there was no way I could teach kids music, especially in a classroom setting. Even though I feel more freed up than ever about using my abilities in the area of music, I didn't even realize just how much of a strangle hold this lie had on me. I didn't even think it was a lie. It almost kept me from doing VBS at all... because up to this year, I didn't have to teach music in a classroom setting, I just had to teach the music in the openings and closings of VBS. This time I had a music rotation I was in charge of.

Now that VBS is done, and I saw what God did for me, and through me, something is radically different. That box, that LIE "I can't teach music to kids, and discipline and do the classroom thing," has been show false.... Well, and true in a way. By myself, no I can't teach music, etc. But through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, trusting in His strength, not just trying to make it on my own, I can.

I did.

When I realized that truth... that I am free to teach music, or do anything with music, I could hardly believe it.

I tried to share it with my small group this past week, and had a hard time putting it into words.

The best I have come up with yet is this.

The box is gone, and I am suddenly standing in this bright, open, sunny field. The sun is on my face, the wind in my hair, and I am waiting for God to show me which direction to start to walk. I know He has a specific ministry for me, beyond what I do now. I don't know what it is, or what it will look like. But I know that waiting in this place is good. I know He will continue to equip me for whatever it is. I know that He will continue to uproot the lies that are still buried deep.

Best of all, I know He is in me, with me, filling me with His Holy Spirit. It won't be me doing it, it will be Him.

So again, I ask you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?
Can you imagine yourself in that open field with me?
A world of possibilities before you?

Tell Him you can't do it. Verbalize it. Out loud. Then ask Him specifically to help you. He will. He will answer that prayer. He is answering it even now, though you may not know it or feel it.

Nip it in the bud...

Thursday night, I hosted our small group.

After the formal gathering had broken up, I was in the kitchen talking with our leader, Peter, and his wife Donna. I shared with them earlier, in an email, some of my struggles from earlier in the week.

I shared with them how I had to deal with some unwanted thoughts that dredged up old lies and junk from the past… but that I wasn’t able to catch them until quite a bit after the fact.

Peter talked to me about needing to nip those thoughts in the bud, so that they didn’t take me down a path, and attach to old memories and draw all those things to the surface again. Because if I don’t nip those things in the bud, I end up having to take out a chain saw and do major surgery (if I can mix metaphors like that… forgive me…) to extract the lies and unwanted thoughts.

He is right. There are still things I dealt with at the end of counseling I need to be much more aware of. Especially how they affect me in daily life. With some of the earlier things in counseling, as things happened that made those same feelings re-occur, I was able to reprocess them with Tricia. The later things, well, I don’t have that opportunity to reprocess with Tricia, so I have to learn to do it on my own.

That’s fine by me. It’s just an awareness of something I need to work on.

While we were talking, Peter said that I needed to make the Lord my strength. To turn to Him for strength and support.

I agree with that 100%.

But he said that I go from person to person, whether that be Cindy, or our small group, or his wife Donna, or Sandy (the gal who just finished with chemo) to get strength and support from them. He said that I need to go to God for that strength.

I agree with him.
Completely.

However, my mind was struggling with what he was saying and it was hard to keep on focus.

At the time I didn’t really realize why.
Now I think I do.

When he said that, the enemy came in with many feelings of condemnation. (Yeah, I know, obviously God wouldn’t condemn, only convict and encourage me with hope and a way out…)
I felt Peter was saying that I still do that now; that I go from person to person for strength. I felt I had probably spent too much time with Cindy the past weekend on the phone and by email. I felt probably I was being too needy and too dependent on her, rather than on God.

I found myself thinking I just needed to pull back from her some, give her some breathing room. I felt probably I was just vying for her attention, and using little things in my life to keep her “concerned for me” or whatever, rather than our relationship being a two way street. I found myself thinking I should just pull back from everyone so I don’t risk getting called dependent, yet again, by someone else. (Hmm, dredging up the past, anyone?!)

Now…

Pretty much everything I just said there is based on lies. And I know it.

First of all, I wasn’t just going to Cindy to get attention. I was seeking help in discerning where the depression I was feeling was coming from. I didn’t feel at the time I was leaning on her… but that she was helping me to focus on God and hear His voice, and to remember His truth when I was having trouble re-focusing myself on my own.

Second of all, yes, I did send several emails to her. I was on the phone with her a couple of times, and sat with her at church. We were in contact with each other pretty much every day.

But I also know Cindy enough to know she would tell me if she needed some time alone. I know she would have not answered an email that I sent, if she wanted some space. I know she didn’t have to open up time for us to talk on the phone. I know she wouldn’t have spent her last evening, before her husband came home from a mission trip, with me unless she wanted to.

I really had to work through some of that stuff today.

Because again, the enemy slipped into a crack in my armor and told me that I was too dependent on people. He told me I have a dependent personality and that I will always end up driving people away because I am too “needy.”

What a pack of lies!!!!

The enemy even brought in my counseling relationship with Tricia and told me I was too dependent on her. Well, duh!! Of course I was! That was what it was all about. I needed to depend on her as she helped me sort things out. I needed to lean on her till I was strong enough to stand on my own, outside of counseling.

Before I left counseling I read to Tricia something I had written. Somewhere in there I wrote about knowing I had a dependent personality. Tricia stopped me and told me she didn’t agree with that. She said I had a tendency towards dependence on others. To me, there was a difference between the two. I felt like I had a less “severe” case of dependency. Does that make any sense at all?

Though it doesn’t seem big, it made a huge difference to me. It made me feel like dependence, or should I say, over dependence on others could be managed, and dealt with, and conquered.
Because aren’t we all supposed to depend on one another?

I mean if we were all “independent” we wouldn’t be working together very well as the body of Christ. We wouldn’t be real with each other, we wouldn’t be transparent with each other. We wouldn’t share prayer requests or admit to our fears or failures with each other. We would never be authentic with each other.

God put us together because we need each other, to encourage one another on in the faith.
We are brothers and sisters on the journey together.

God designed us that way.

As long as we continually point one another to Christ as our ultimate source of strength, peace, love, joy… aren’t we doing the right thing? Aren’t we trusting in God and leaning fully on Him, but also lifting up, encouraging and helping to comfort and heal one another?
All of this ran through my head today. Last night, and again this morning when I had time to really think through it, I was tempted to just pull away. Then I couldn’t be accused of being too “dependent” on anyone.

But, if I did that, the enemy would have what he wanted. I would be isolated and alone and easy pickings. I would be rendered ineffective, because I can only be effective and have an impact on the kingdom of God through relationships and being connected to the body of Christ.

I have to nip these lies in the bud, or I will become isolated again. God has given me many people I can turn to for prayer and support, I don’t want to lose them by pushing them away.

I have to ask God if there is a grain of truth in there somewhere, something I need to keep in mind, keep an eye on, then throw out the rest.

The enemy just wants to use the rest to hold me in bondage, to recapture me, and keep me muzzled.

All I have to say is, with God’s help, that IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

It doesn’t matter how tired I get. When I am tired, I have people to come alongside me and hold up my arms until I have strength to do it myself again.

I have been incredibly blessed by people here in bloggy land who love me and pray for me. I have been blessed by people in my church family who love me and pray for me… who can be physical arms to hug me and hold me when I need it.

I am loved by God and by others.
God will lead me in His paths of righteousness.
If He has taken hold of me and led me this far, He won’t let me fall now.

Hearing His voice...

One of the benefits of counseling with Tricia has been learning to listen for and recognize God’s voice.

It seems weird that it took counseling for me to really hear that. You would think that counseling is all about talking. My talking to her, and her responding, teaching, etc. But it was more than that. There were times when things that she said really resonated within me, or pricked my heart. Those were times when I knew God was speaking to me, using Tricia’s voice.

But then there were those other times. I noticed them happen especially when we were doing the EMDR therapy. We went through the therapy in sets, in between which, we would talk briefly and then have another quiet set. It was during those times of quiet that I really noticed something happening. I would end up starting to have a conversation in my head. In reality, I realized I was focusing my questions and concerns at God. I was focusing on the hurts that we were working through, but when I opened myself up to God, silently asking Him to show me lies, when I cooperated with the process, He really did open up things more quickly for me and show me things that I was believing.

Usually by the end of a session, Tricia would have given me encouragement and prayed through the sets for me… and there was something else. Usually near the end, as I would start getting to a point of needed to get the lies replaced, God would really start to speak to me. Not really in a voice, but sometimes giving me an image to focus on (like where He held my heart in His hands and was healing it) or by giving me a song that spoke right into where I was at, or by speaking right into my head. I know it sounds strange. But scripture phrases would “randomly” come into my head, in the silence. Truth based on scripture would come into my head, not exactly in my own voice… I wish I knew how to better explain it. I just know that when I would share with Tricia what impressions I got, or what I saw or heard, she was able to help me discern what was truth and what wasn’t. I was able to figure out from that the difference between God’s whisper, and the enemy’s shout.

It seems crazy that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a whisper and a shout. But when you have been listening to the shouting for so long, your ears tend to be ringing so bad that you can’t hear the whispers.

Besides, when I was hearing the lies, I was unsettled in my soul, my heart was upset, and physically I felt sick. When I was hearing God’s whisper into my heart and soul, I was at peace. I was able to let out the hurtful emotions and feel renewed, though exhausted, at the end.

Now I have found at least one place that I am able to be still enough to hear God. That is the coffee shop that I frequent. Now my hope is to find a way or a place to have a “retreat” at home as well. I just want to have a place where I can get away from the kids, my husband and not feel like I am in the way of anyone. However our house is so small that there really is no place for me to go.

I want to have it before I finish counseling. My next counseling session is the first week of December, and it will probably be my last one… if everything goes well. So I want to be able to have a place besides the coffee shop and Tricia’s office as a place of retreat!

I guess that would be a prayer request I have then. That I will be able to find a place. I know that God can meet me anywhere, and He has. I just know that I need to have a place I can run to when I need the quiet and concentrated time with my Lord. I want to continue to change and grow as He continues to lead me on in healing and wholeness. I know I will never get all the way there in this world. But I want to have Him as my focus.

When that happens, well, then it is like Cindy said… I look to her, like a completely different person than I was when she met me a year and half ago.

I change from the inside out… and I want that inside to be Christ alone, not the lies or the problems I have had in the past. Just Him. Nothing more; nothing less.

Belief, Truth and lies...

What can I say to the people who have faithfully been praying for me? Thank you doesn’t seem to cover it. So many have stood by my side through this storm I have been in. Please keep praying. I have some tough decisions to make.

Right now, in the midst of this hurricane I am in, I feel like Jesus is calling me out of the boat to walk on the water. And I am so terribly afraid, because that means I have to trust Him to catch me if I fall, trust Him enough to look up into His face and ignore the screaming wind whipping around me that says I will never make it, I will drown, I will never see the light of day, or the sun rising over a calm sea.

Because right now I do feel like I am drowning, in so many ways. Too many to count. Somewhere, deep inside, I know that God is trying to help me through this. He is so wanting me to cling to Jesus and BELIEVE that He will carry me through. I have heard it said that faith is a gift given to us by God, we can ask for more faith, or for Him to give us the faith to believe in the first place. But actual BELIEF is a choice. We have to choose to believe something. The Truth or a lie. What Jesus says about us or what the world says about us. And what we truly believe shows up in how we act. We may say we believe the Truth of God’s Word to us, but our actions may show something else entirely. We may say we have been adopted by God, loved by Him, chosen by Him… but we (I) may act completely differently, like we are hated and rejected.

I guess at the crossroads I am at right now is this: Am I going to choose to believe the Truth or am I going to continue to listen to and believe the lies? Truth means getting up when I fall down, fighting, pressing on through the junk, the mire, being lifted out of the slimy pit again and again, and experiencing the real JOY of God being with me in all of it, and lifting me through it. Lies means I am going to give up, let life just swallow me whole, survive but only as a shell of the real me, go through the motions of life with a facade up, while dying inside.

So what is it, Heather? Choose. The Truth or the lie?

How about you?