Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Thorn in the flesh...

What is it with me?

What is wrong with me?

Why am I going through this again??

Will this always be my thorn in the flesh?

Will it ever get better?

(I feel almost embarrassed posting this because I know what a dear friend and her family are going through right now, I know there are others out there with worse things happening that I have been praying for… but if there is one thing I learned in this last year, and through even our last book study by Lisa Whittle, I need to be transparent… so here it is.)

Last night, I got home from my small group, and all the way home I wanted to cry. By the time I reached my home town (a 20 min. drive) I wanted to keep going. I don’t know where; just keep going. I was more peaceful in my car, I was concentrating on driving, was able to pray some and was watching a beautiful moonrise through the hazy clouds.

I restrained the urge to keep driving south.

As I pulled into my driveway, it was all I could do to keep from backing out again. I hit the garage door opener so that my husband would know I was there, and so I would keep pulling the car in the garage.

I walked in, and just felt like I was going to bawl again. But my husband was here, and so was our neighbor, so I couldn’t just let loose. I don’t think I could have if I had wanted to, or felt free to.

On and off I felt like crying all night. Right before I went to bed, I checked my Facebook account one more time, and my friend Lee, was on, and we chatted briefly and prayed together. That was good. So was small group earlier in the evening. So I don’t know what was going on.
Then I went to bed, next to my snoring husband. It was one of those nights, that though I was listening to music through my headphones of my mp3 player, his snoring was drowning it out. I got up again, out of frustration. I sat in the living room for a bit longer (maybe an hour) then went back to bed when I was so exhausted that I knew I would fall asleep right away.

Got up and registered my boy for kindergarten next year. Went to the coffee shop briefly… for me anyway… only about 1 1/2 hours. Even that wasn’t much of a comfort today. I was able to journal some, but it only seemed to stir things up more.

Came home to a quiet house.

The kids were still gone, and I didn’t expect them for about another hour. My husband called shortly after I got home, checked in on my, and how my day was going. After we got off the phone, I was almost ready to cry, then Grandpa called and said he was bringing the kids home in about a half hour.

I went into my room to make the bed. I started throwing pillows around. Yelled at God. Sobbed. Frustrated beyond belief.

I. Can’t. Do. This.

Pretty much my thoughts. I know that I can’t, that only God can, etc. I KNOW!!!! I KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWERS!!!!!!!

it’s not enough today

I got done throwing the pillows around and collapsed sobbing on the bed. Sobbed. Wailed.
I don’t know all that I said to God. Not sure what words were used. All I know is that I am tired. I am tired of dealing with depression. I am sick of feeling like this. I am sick of finding myself struggling…. with waking up in the morning and not wanting to get out of the bed.

I am tired of hurting, and not knowing why. I have so many blessings. There are so many good things going on in my life right now. Where is this coming from?! I can look outside and see the sun, lay on my bed as I was crying out to God and feel it on my back. I know I have a warm house, and enough food, and more than enough clothes, family blessings, church family that loves us, loves me….

and yet there is the empty ache in me that nothing can fill.
it is all temporary fixes.
temporary medication

whether its

  • food
  • friends
  • fellowship
  • reading
  • blogging
  • sleeping
  • shopping
  • driving

it doesn’t matter

anything good can become a medication if it is being used to numb away, ignore, or mask pain for a little while.

and then the question enters my mind; if something is being used to run and hide and mask pain, is that becoming my god?


when I was leaving the coffee shop this morning, lunch time, and heading home, I knew I was going to be getting the kids back soon. I toyed with the idea of throwing them in the car and driving. I don’t know where. Just driving. Then I thought about how fun it would be to just hop in the car myself. Throw some clothes in a bag, get into the car and drive till I found warm weather and a beach to sit on.

Seriously. Just. Go. Anywhere.

I know it wouldn’t help any depression or hurt or anything I am feeling right now. I know that it probably wouldn’t even temporarily fix anything going on…. probably make some things worse. But I just need something. Some change.

I would give anything to drive away from here for a bit. Drive somewhere warm. Forget about responsibilities here for a while…. even if that means needing to take the kids with me, so be it. But just GO.

I won’t.
I am too responsible for that.

but this is the strongest a thought like this that has crossed my mind in a long time.

i guess when it feels like depression is controlling your life, you try to do anything you can to try to control something yourself…

if that means daydreaming about driving somewhere away for a while…. then I guess that’s what it will take.

No, I will go on. I will plug away at this next week. I will do what I need to. I will fulfill my responsibilities to my family, my church, and try to press on. I am too much afraid of what people would think if I just up and ran away. I am too much a resp0nsible person to just leave. There is too big a part of me that would just rebel at leaving, or stopping right now.

After that storm of weeping this morning, I was just cleaning up my face when I heard the kids come in the door. Grandpa dropped them off and left pretty quickly. I took Marina into her room to change her diaper. She settled down with me on her bed for a “rest.”

Peter came in and settled on his bed, and as Marina was still flipping and flopping, I went over to him and snuggled him for a few minutes. Within a minute of my going over there, I looked at her, and she was asleep, and within 2 more minutes, Peter was asleep.

Minor blessing, Major miracle.
So I have had this time here.

I don’t know that writing anything out here has helped me, or helped anyone else.

I do remember now one of the things that I raged at God about. I begged Him to take away this depression… it nearly debilitates be at times, and it takes everything I have to move, much less function.

God, I don’t want this! I don’t want this to be my “thorn in the flesh” no matter how you may be shown in and through it! I know that your strength can be made perfect in my weakness, that you can show yourself more than enough through anything…. but God, I can’t do this! Yeah, I know the answer is that You will do it. I feel stupid and dumb and weak. I feel like people are going to look at me and say, “what is the deal with you? What do you have going on so bad that you can’t stand it, that you can’t be satisfied, that you can’t be happy?” I don’t know! I can site so many things as being the reason; hormones, chemical imbalance, heredity, my past (which I thought I have pretty much dealt with major stuff this past year, isn’t that done yet???), current stressors…. but none of them help me. It doesn’t matter if it is defined, if I know why it is happening. All I know, God is what I am feeling. Whether that is based on lies that I am believing right now, I don’t know. I can’t even identify what I was thinking that might have started this off!

Lord, Jennifer said in her book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,” that I need to starve the feelings of failure and defeat, the dark feelings or they will grow. I didn’t think that I was feeding them. Maybe I am. Please show me if I am and how to stop. I don’t want to keep going through this. I need Your help! You gave me this little blessing of the kids sleeping, which they never do for me in the afternoon. You gave me this time here to pour out my heart. Oh God I am hurting so much. I don’t know why. I don’t have any answers. I read your word this morning and felt dry. I tried to pray and all I could do was cry, and essentially scream at you. It may be a bright sunny day today, but right now it feels pitch black in here. I know it’s not the truth, but its what I am feeling. I know that you will never leave me or forsake me. I could really use the strength to cling onto that, and the ability to see what you are doing for me, no matter what I feel, and not just discount it.

Please help me through this hour, this afternoon, supper, this night, until I can go to sleep. Bring comfort to my soul, Lord. Nothing I can do, no one I can talk to, nothing anyone else can do (but pray) will be able to stop this. I am trying to claim your truth Lord. I am trying to cling to you, but I feel broadsided this week, after I feel like I had just caught my breath. Be my strength, satisfy me with your unfailing love, be my salvation in this distress. I NEED something… i NEED YOU JESUS.

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