I know so many right now are starting to feel the pinch of things growing more expensive. I know many are worried about jobs and the future. I have been trying to keep from thinking about it at all... just trying to keep the house, the kids, and myself on a relatively even keel... at least the best I can.
On Thursday, my husband came to me and said that once I am done with my choir concert, he wants me to look for a job. I was in a bit of shock. We have pretty much been in agreement that we would wait for the kids to be in school full time before I started working outside the home.
But Dave came home with the news that the hospital he works for is putting a freeze on any overtime right now. He can't pick up overtime to fill in the gaps, and to get a bit of extra money to help pay down bills.
So he wants me to get a job, so that all my wages can go towards the debts outstanding, and try to bring them down, so that we will be in a better financial situation.
Now there is a bit of a problem with this. We are moving into the summer, when Peter and Marina will both be home with us all day, every day. Another problem is Dave works swing shift. He will sometimes work days, other times evenings, some weekends, some not.
So how could I get a steady part time job, that can adjust around his schedule, so that we don't have to rely on his family all the time to babysit, or put them in daycare (which would completely negate any earnings I could make)?
I have been trying to pray about it. God knows my heart's desire would to be able to stay home with the kids this summer and work something out in the fall, when Peter is in school 5 days a week. If I had to work, I would love to work somewhere that I am comfortable with... like the coffee shop, or a book store... something like that.
My fall back is always McDonalds.
Yes, I was a fry girl. :)
Yes, I was a fry girl. :)
I have a lot of experience with the food chain. I have almost 11 years experience there... including being a manager at one point. But I don't necessarily want to go back there, though I think they would be the most flexible scheduling wise.
All these thoughts were running through my head on Thursday.
I was preparing the house for small group. Dave had gone with the kids out to the family farm. As I was getting things ready, I had Michael W. Smith's CD "A New Hallelujah" playing, well really blasting, throughout the house.
I was chewing all this over in my head. At the same time I was worshiping along with the CD. The song "Mighty to Save" came on, and I remember just dropping to my knees in the middle of the living room.
The offering up of myself to Him, because I can do nothing else.
As I was kneeling there, tears falling down onto my lap, my sobs drowned by the music, I felt God's presence in a deep way. His peace covered me.
His peace was so overwhelming.
I didn't stop crying. If anything I cried harder... but this time in worship more than anything else.
The ache, knowing that I helped put us in this financial position; the concern about what to do with the kids; the wondering if I would even be able to get a job; the wondering if I would have time to invest in my marriage if I start working; the wondering if there was another way around this; it's all still there.
God holds us all in His hands. He knows what we need. He knows my families needs.
- I am very tempted to lean on my own understanding.
- I am very tempted to worry about what to do.
- I am very tempted to try to run ahead of God
- I am very tempted to attempt to fix things on my own.
But I know that isn't what God wants.
He wants me to lean back into His peace and presence. He wants me to press into Him so hard that there is no way I could fall. He wants me keep surrendering it into His hands, no matter how many times a day I have to do that.
God is our very present help in times of trouble. He is always with me. He will never leave me or forsake me. For all I know, my prayers are already answered.
I just don't want to be out of His will.
I want it to be very obvious that God is working, that He is the one providing for us. Not me working, or our trying to decide what to do, but to seriously seek Him. Seek His will in it all, and not mull it over in our heads until we give ourselves ulcers (which is what Dave said he has been doing for the last month).
Oh God, you know my heart. You know my mind. You know my fears. You know my faith in you. You know that I really don't want to work. But you also know that I don't want to be in debt anymore.Please pray along with me as I seek God's will in this. Pray that Dave and I will be like-minded and have God's peace about whatever it might be that I do.
Father I confess that materialism has become a god to me. The buying, impulsively of things I don't really need. The buying to make myself temporarily feel better. I am sorry, Lord. I know that is not in your will. I know you want me to come to you with everything.
Thank you for your forgiveness and for how much you love me. Thank you for the freedom you offer me. Oh Lord, help me to cling to you rather than to the "things" of this world that would keep me from you.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live from pay check to pay check anymore. I don't want to find myself wondering if we are going to make it, and I know that neither does Dave.
Please help us to cling to you. Help our faith to grow. Cause us to totally rely on you, for everything. Give me the strength to do what it takes to get out of debt. Help me to not jump ahead of You and try to "fix" things on my own, and in the end just make things worse.
Oh God, I am scared. But I choose to believe You. I choose to believe that you will heal us and guide us and help us. I choose to believe that You will do what is best for us. I choose to praise Your name and lift You up. I choose to glorify You no matter what happens.
Strengthen me for the work ahead of me. Please give me the physical, mental and emotional strength I need. Please help me to...
I am out of words now God, but You know the cries of my heart. I am weak. You are strong.
Oh Spirit, help me in my weakness. I do not know what I ought to pray for, You yourself intercede for me with groans that are too deep for words. I choose to believe that you will graciously give us all things, because you did not withhold your Son from us.
I love you Jesus.
Thank you all.