The hard part is I find myself trying to keep from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth. Which causes the muscles to be even more sore than they need to be.
My left hand, that I landed on is still sore though. It may stop my trying to write as much as I want tonight. I landed on it, trying to catch myself on Friday, though my chin took the brunt of my fall. I jammed something, somewhere, though it's not broken, but it's going to be a while for it to heal enough that small things like typing don't hurt anymore. It's the top of my pinky and ring finger that hurt, and sometimes my middle finger too. Depends on what I am doing. Sometimes it surprises me because I am carrying something and my hand suddenly hurts and I almost drop what I'm carrying. Though that is usually when I am carrying something far too heavy for that hand to handle.
It's interesting that in the middle of this, I can see how God is working and building parallels in my emotional/spiritual life.
A while ago, I took a spiritual/emotional tumble. I got torn open pretty badly. People have helped me get to where I need to go, between pointing me to God, praying me through it all, and making sure I have seen my counselor. Tricia has been giving me assignments that have drawn me further into the pain. These things, going into the painful areas has been so hard.
I really have been thrown into a tailspin. It has hurt so much to have to write some of the things she has asked me to. Once they have been written, I have been able to put them out of my mind for a while, until I go back to an appointment with Tricia, and have to read those writings to her.
I read one two weeks ago to her. At the end of it, Tricia shared some things that I probably needed to do to help me cut the emotional ties I have in this particular instance. Getting rid of some things, purging them, letting them go. Part of that was done in the writing. But some of that had to be done in the physical letting go of things too.
For these two weeks since, I got sick and was laid low last weekend, and then this past weekend I had my fall and was laid pretty low as well. My weekdays were full with work, kids and home stuff. Good stuff, but finally, over this past weekend, I started coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't obeying God.
God used Tricia and a few other key people in my life to encourage me to do the right thing. To do the things that God wanted me to do to be able to walk in more freedom. He was speaking very clearly to me, and I knew it was Him, through His word, through sermons, through the Breaking Free bible study, through my friends.
I just was choosing, for the past two weeks to wallow in my self hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, unwillingness to accept God's grace and forgiveness to me. I've been fighting with letting go. What's going to happen if I let these things go, the physical things, but more than that, the attachments, the emotional ties I have found buried deep.
As I have struggled, I have heard God telling me the same thing over and over, "Submit to Me, surrender it to Me, I can carry it. My yoke is easy, kind, and much lighter than the one you are trying to drag around."
One of the things that I got out of this week's sermon... again, something that God has been pounding into my head.
If you feel that you aren't hearing from God, see if there is any spot that you aren't obeying Him on. Do that thing, and then listen again. He doesn't withdraw Himself from you, but your lack of obedience will make it really hard for you to stay close to Him. That makes it hard to hear from Him, because you're not doing what He's asked you to in the first place. You've placed a barrier up between yourselves.
Ok, so it wasn't said verbatim that way, but that's what I got out of it.
After being shaken up this weekend, I spent some time praying on Saturday night, journaling before my meds took me out for the count. I made a mental note to see if I could get together and actually talk face to face with my friend Cindy D. We've been emailing back and forth, this past week, encouragement to one another, but not been able to really see each other and talk face to face.
Sunday, I had to play piano for church. My hand was sore, as was my jaw, but I managed it. I ended up having to use dish soap to take off my wedding ring, because my left hand and those two fingers started swelling after I got done doing all the playing for the worship team.
I chatted with Cindy D. a bit and asked her if she was doing anything after church. She laughed at me and asked me if I wanted to get together, if I was asking her if she wanted to talk with me for a bit.... I told her that was what I was asking in a round about way. We had a good laugh about it, and then decided to meet at a near by park in a bit, that way we were able to enjoy the weather and still talk.
We got together and talked for a while. Longer than I had anticipated. During that time, I could tell that God's hands were all over that conversation. From her perspective and life experiences, she was able to listen to me and hear my heart, and then ask guiding questions and pointed questions. Some of these questions, under normal circumstances I would have never answered... even if Tricia had posed them. I probably would have gotten so angry and shut down. They were that hard.
But God had opened up my heart. He opened up that old wound so much in the last couple of weeks, and there Cindy D was asking the pointed questions to help me clean that huge gaping wound with the Truth. The truth of what I really believed, what I really needed, what I was really clinging to, and what I was really avoiding doing.
I needed closure. After my three hour conversation with Cindy D. I was able to go home, talk to my hubby a bit, and do what I needed to do. I threw out a bunch of stuff. I feel lighter now. I felt lighter yesterday. Last night, I did some more cleaning out. Getting rid of things. It made me aware that there is more to do in different areas as well. But, one area at a time. There is a lot of garbage that has collected in areas I thought I had already cleaned out and closed the chapters on. Maybe I have only done surface cleaning there, and now need to do more deep cleaning - or let God do the deep cleaning.
Getting rid of these things was like the wound finally getting fully cleaned out. Ready for healing. The rough edges trimmed off, the dirt scrubbed out.
Letting go of the emotional attachments, it's still taking me a bit to learn to leave them alone. They will die out. But it is like a dying out of a part of me. I have to stop treating myself like crud because I believe I am crud. I have to start seeing myself as God sees me. I have to start saying it, out loud, whether I believe it or not fully yet.
God is stitching me up. But that means I have to be flat on my back, letting Him do the work. I can't fight Him, I can't move around, I can't get up, because I won't heal if I do. If I don't let Him do His work, I won't be able to move on.
Now is the time that I need to just fall into His arms of love. I need to feel His love, my Father's love holding me, comforting me, healing me. I need to be wrapped in a comforter, on His lap, leaning against His chest, listening to His heart beat. I need to listen to that heartbeat of His because it calms me down. When I calm down, I can rest, I can heal and then I am ready to get up when it's time to go on and to the next right thing.
So, I am off to rest some more. Let my physical body rest and heal, and let my heart and soul and spirit rest too. It's easier sometimes to get my physical body to calm down and settle in, but a lot harder to get my mind to settle, and my heart to stop taking flight, and my soul and spirit to relax enough to really hear God's heartbeat for me.
Thank You Jesus that you helped me write this, because when I started this post, I had no idea where it was going. Thank You for showing me the parallels You have drawn in my life to teach me. You Jesus, are so wonderful to me. You have blessed me with incredible friends and counselors, with a great pastor and church, with a family that loves me and cares for me and helps me. I am blessed immeasurably, more than I could have ever asked or imagined! Way back when I first became a believer, I could have never dreamed that I would be where I am today, or that I could have survived all the things I have. You have saved me. Oh my God, you have saved me! You have bought me back, redeemed me, paid for my debts when I couldn't, and I am now yours. You have called me by my name, and I am Yours. Thank you! Help me continue to cling to You and to look back, when I doubt, or when I need to remember to dance for joy, to read these old blog posts as reminders of what You have done, and what You have promised to do.