Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Let this cup pass me by....

Well here is my update.


I was right. I'm back on the anti-depressant.

Not so sure how I feel about that yet. Still struggling with it I guess. Sort of in shock. Sort of numb.

I feel kind of like I failed, came up short, didn't really give it all I had to give.

I've felt that way many times in my life - like I just come up short of really giving it everything I have, not quite totally spending myself in something - always leaving something in reserve, rather than leaving it all out on the field.

I guess I kind of feel that way now.

Whether it's the truth or not.... I don't really know, honestly.

Maybe those few of you who have been reading my infrequent posts the past few months or so might be able to tell me, or give me a more accurate picture of myself.

I called in my prescription and will pick it up on my way home from work.

I am so done in. I am ready to call it quits... but I have about 3 tons of laundry to do.... and I work yet today and tomorrow. Too much to do, and no time to do it in.

All I really want to do is curl up and pull the covers over my head till it all goes away, or leaves me alone, which ever comes first and lasts the longest.

Not much chance of either, really, is there?

I hope God uses this medication to make me more functional again. I feel like I am faking it most days, when all I want to do is curl up in a little ball somewhere and cry (when I'm at work, I want to get under my desk where no one can see me.... at home, it's my bed....)

At least I haven't gone down as deep as I once did. I was at a whole different level of hurt then. I had a lot of past stuff to deal with. God has healed me from a lot.

When I doubt it, or doubt that it was God, I go back into my old posts and start reading.

So I know I am starting at a different place now. My feet have been on much more solid ground... more truth under my feet than there was before.... I am basing less of me on lies - and the sinking sand, so my footing is that much more secure.

But I still feel like I have fallen pretty hard.

One of the pastors that I work with encouraged me today to not give up, and to keep on pressing in towards God, to keep reminding myself of what the truth is.

I know he is right. When I am thinking clearly, or have more energy, I do that - I am able to refocus my mind, even a little and it becomes easier.

But when I am tired, when my brain is fuzzy, it doesn't seem to help to have that encouragement. I just feel even more dumb and tired and silly for even having these thoughts and feelings... which is totally NOT the result anyone has for encouraging me!

However, I do need the reminders to dwell on the truth.

I need the TRUTH like I thirst for water.

I need JESUS more than ever.

I am so thankful that He knew what it was to despair, to be depressed, and yet to still trust His Father and have a close relationship with Him, even when He was begging for the cup to be taken from Him.

Because I think that is what I have been doing. Begging God to take the cup away from me...... but I haven't been like Jesus in saying, "not my will but Your's be done."

I'm not there right now.

I have been there in the past as I have seen how God has used my experiences to help others, either through this blog or in personal, private conversations.

But again, right now, I am begging God to let this cup pass me by.

It seems I have to drink of it again.

It's very hard to swallow.



Amy L Brooke said...

I totally understand. You are NOT a failure. It is biochemical. I could say it is just like diabetes or whatever but I never like it when people say that to me. Since it is perceived as "emotional" it does FEEL like a failure. But it isn't. Take heart. God is near.

Clay Feet said...

It is always hard to determine how much our struggles with emotions are chemical screw-ups and how much we can really do something about with our own decisions. That's because everything we think and feel are only chemical reactions in our brains to start with. I do know I have become very reticent to judge anyone else, particularly since lately I have been battling pretty hard myself with similar feelings.
What I do know much more is that you are a good friend, a valued friend, a person I want to know better and stay in touch with no matter how either of us are feeling.

stephseef said...

heather, i know you know this, but you must choose to remember that medical intervention is not a failure. it is a tool that has been given to us - by God, nonetheless - to help. that is all. is does not add or remove one iota of value to you. if you choose to use this tool, you should be THANKFUL that it's available, relieved that your health care providers know how to help, thankful that you have the resources to pay for it. [i'm not meaning to tell you how to feel - just trying to make a list of what's good about it...] i will be praying for you today about those very things. press on, heather!