I haven't been on the computer a whole lot at home because I loaned my laptop out to a friend who is pretty much out of comission with a knee surgery, and needed to be able to get at his email and do some work.
It's ok though, it just means that Dave has to share his computer with me! :) Not sure what he thinks about that yet. Especially when he finds that I have been "blogging" on HIS computer! :D
This week has been a week.
One of ups and downs.
Difficult decisions for dear friends.
I have definitely gone "up" and "down" this week.
I started out my work week pretty low, and stayed that way all week, slowly getting better by Wednesday evening. I don't think it is my work itself that is pulling me down (I work at my church as the administrator) but maybe the enemy hitting me as much as possible to keep me from doing what I should be.... not sure on this, but feeling its a pretty good guess.
Thursday morning I spent on a friends porch. I was alone, just me and God. I was waiting to let in hospice to set up a hospital bed in their living room. My dear friends Henry and Sandy are going through a rough time. Henry has colon cancer. They have stopped chemo and are now home from the hospital, on home hospice.
Though it has been very difficult for them, I know they are totally at peace now with this situation, and with the decisions that have been made.
While I was at their house, I spent the time praying for them, prayer walking through their house.... and spent some great personal time with God too.
I had nearly 4 hours of uninterrupted time before things started hopping there, and people and equipment started arriving.
I walked into my friend Cindy's house on Friday, and after giving and receiving a big hug, she asked me how I was doing (because Tuesday was an awful day!!!!). I was able to tell her joyfully that I was doing really pretty good! Imagine her surprise and delight!
I had a great talk with her that morning, and a great conversation with my friends Peter and Donna the night before.
Yesterday, after getting home from spending time with Cindy, I mowed the lawn really quick and then ran to the farm with the kids, because my father in law was baling hay.
He had cut the day before, and side raked earlier in the day - he was trying to get it in the barn before dark, and it was supposed to rain last night (which it did).
It has been raining so much here that there haven't been 2-3 consecutive days without rain that were good for cutting hay. All the farmers are behind and trying to squeeze it in.
So, out to the farm we went.
I brought work gloves and jeans and borrowed a long sleeved shirt for helping out. I have never really been able to help before, because my allergies are so bad that I can't hardly breathe when I try to help. And usually there have been more than enough people to help, so I can back out and let someone else do it.
Not yesterday. My husbands cousin was there, and so my father in law, Joe and Dave's cousin Tom had brought in the first load and got it in the barn. I got there while Joe was baling the second load. So, I went into the house and made sure there was fresh watermelon and that the dinner was in the oven.
I came out when I heard him coming down the road with the loaded hay wagon. I wish I had some pictures to show you of the day and all the kids riding high on those mountains of bales!
I knew Joe didn't expect me to help, but I walked over with my work gloves on, hair in a bandanna, and long sleeves. I got up on the wagon and waited for Tom to get up in the loft and the elevator to start going. Thankfully the bales weren't too heavy this time, and I was able to pull them down, and line them up for my 6 yr old son who kicked and pushed them over to Joe to get them on the elevator. (He was thrilled to be helping that way when he realized that he couldn't swing them like grandpa!)
We did great until Joe needed to pull the wagon forward, to get at the bales at the back of the wagon, and got stuck on the end elevator, cause he pulled in crooked. At that point a friend of the family showed up and was able to help lift the elevator out of the way, and help unload the rest of the wagon. Since he could pretty much handle 2 bales at once, one with each hand, I was out of a job on the wagon.
I was relegated to "women's work" of making more juice and bringing out fresh fruit and stuff...
Though I am pretty sure it wasn't intentional, I am disappointed that I didn't get to really help unload more than I did. I wasn't really pushed aside, but when I was told I could go take a break, instead of speaking up and saying I wanted to keep on going, I backed down. I didn't mind running the errands for food and drinks in between loads, cause I couldn't help in the field. But I guess I am kind of mad at myself for not speaking up and saying I wanted to help out more.
I know I will probably get more chances as the summer goes on and the weather cooperates, but still. I wanted to do the work once I got out there. It felt really good to do something physical like that, that I knew was helping the family.
In the end though, with the help of the 2 other guys, Joe got in all his loads. Five in all from the 2 fields he cut. I don't know how much more he is planning on baling himself, but I know he will be helping others if he doesn't bail, so I may get another chance this summer to help out and prove myself.
Today, I went with my family for a train ride. The place we went was about 3 hours away from us, and we went with our cousins. After the 3 hours of driving we got to walk around the train yard. Then got on the train and had a pizza lunch, and rode for nearly 2 hours. Then the long ride home again.
My husband is tired (so am I) but he is sleeping right now (hence the reason I can "blog" on his computer!!!)
It was a good day with the family. I did get joy out of it, which is I guess, what the doctor and I want to see as the result of my taking the medications.
I still am finding myself very easily irritated, and frustrated. My anxiety is still very high. Some days it goes down - like on Friday... but today it was way back up there again.
It's hard to tell what is circumstantial, and what isn't. I don't know what to attribute it all to, but I guess even if I don't know, I have to roll with the punches and do what it takes to take care of myself.
I am tired out, but I am also hungry and thirsty, so I am going to go outside, where it is a bit cooler (rather than trying to go sleep right now - if I did that I would never sleep through the night) and enjoy a fire and some reading and maybe some hotdogs over the fire.
I guess that will be a way I can take care of myself tonight, as long as I don't stay out too late by the fire.
I hope to write more soon, to share more of what I have been learning through reading a book that Cindy recommended to me.
Hopefully that will come sometime this week.
I guess I just wanted to let you know what was going on, and how I was doing since that last post of mine.
On the road... walking with Jesus,