Friday, September 10, 2010

it's all I've got - no energy to pretend

I don't have the energy to act like things are good, when they aren't.

Not today.

I was able to enjoy time with my kids, and with their grandmother.

Then I left the farm, and headed on some errands. On the way, I checked my home answering machine remotely. There was a message there from Cindy D. As soon as I got to a parking lot where I had good cell reception, I parked and called her.

She is such an encouragement to me, though she doesn't realize it. She is going through so much herself, yet at the same time is so willing to listen to me talk, ask tough questions and share what she is learning as she heals and grows to help me.

We talked for quite a while. By the time I got off the phone, I at least felt like I could drive again, with some sort of attention to the road.

Essentially I was "running away from home" for a while tonight. I wanted to get away from my normal, so that I wouldn't go back to my "normal" mode of behaviors.

By the time I got to the grocery store (keep in mind, after talking with Cindy D. I only went to one other store - briefly) I was exhausted.

One of my friends works there, the wife of our small group leader. She happened to not have any customers, so I was able to talk with her just for a few minutes. When asked how I was doing, I couldn't just say "good." I couldn't. I told her I was ok, that I was really tired and that I missed her and her husband. I was able to tell her that I was struggling, but that was about it as she got a customer at that point.

I got home and ate, and am now writing this.

I am doing better than I was. I felt like I had a small victory tonight and was able to get through. I spent a small amount of time with God - mostly praying as I was walking around the house doing things. Talking to Him more than listening, I think, but it was all I had in me.

I am still fighting the depression, but hope that some sort of semblance of sleep tonight will help me feel better in the morning than I did this morning.

Still a couple of lines from Psalm 143 stick with me.... tonight before I fall asleep.

I may not have them quoted perfectly, but here it goes...

I spread out my hands before you, my soul/heart thirsts for you like a parched land.


Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love....

Friends, I am praying tonight that this coming morning will bring me word of His unfailing love. I need the reminder tomorrow morning especially if it is anything like this morning - I need the reminder tonight.

The only thing I left out of the end of that last verse is ...for I have put my trust in you.

I have put my trust in him.... but have I trusted Him with everything in my heart? There is still some holding back there, though I know the right answer. Though I know that eventually I will let Him into "that" place too. Maybe the pain isn't great enough for me to finally give in.

Why does it always end up being that way? The pain needing to be great enough for me to finally cave in and allow Him to heal?

That's a whole other post, and not one this tired soul can go into tonight.
Maybe more on that tomorrow, if I have my thoughts gathered at all.
I don't have the energy tonight.
Not to act like things are good - and not to write well - and not to gather thoughts completely.

this is all I've got, and it's not much... but I guess I'll post it anyway.... it's just where I'm at.

1 comment:

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Prayers for you this day...

Rest as you can; take a walk; love on your kids--even if the feelings lag behind. These are the days to make some hard, deliberate choices to act despite emotion. I understand these feelings.

You can do it.