Ok, it was 2 days ago. I have almost finished it. That is a record for me when it's a non-fiction book. Course, I am a reader, so that helps.
But really this book is amazing, and though it is bringing up many things, it is opening my eyes to look at some things in my past in a new way.
The book is called "The Invisible Bond," by Barbara Wilson. The subtitle is "How to break free from your sexual past."
The gist of the book is that if we have had affairs, emotional or sexual, or had sex outside of the plan of God, we are carrying these bonds with those people with us into new relationships. It doesn't matter if we were a victim, or if a willing participant, or initiated the incident. We have created a bond with that person. We have bonded to that person, and when we "broke up" we walked away with bits of that person's heart, just as much as they have walked away with part of our heart.
This book tackles what this looks like, how we have been hurt, symptoms of that hurt and how we are "coping" to hide or numb that hurt, or both. And how to heal from those encounters, and how to break those bonds with those people.
If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have dealt with some areas like this of bondage to past relationships. I have broken many of those bonds. However, this book is seeming to bring up some of those relationships again.
One of the things I have been praying about is that the enemy wouldn't be trying to get me to "re-hash" stuff that isn't a problem.... bring up things that are already taken care of.
I don't want him to try to say "Well, really look how much you were hurt. You aren't really healed from that.." etc and open up old wounds that are really being healed (or have been).
Rather, I want to see God take this book, and use some of the exercises within it to help point me to some areas that need further healing. There are already one or two things that are very vivid in my head that I think I am going to have to work through with Tricia.
A while ago, I mentioned that Tricia had said that my friend's passing away was the icing on the cake, but what was the cake.... I didn't know at the time.
I still don't for sure. I wonder if a couple of these memories are part of the cake. I don't know that they are, and to my mind it doesn't seem to make sense that they would be. But I suppose sub-consciously they could be. The effects of not being fully healed from them, the resulting pain, and the coping mechanisms that I have been using surely could be what are causing me some problems.
All I know is this book has been a really good tool for me to assess what is really going on in my life and heart, where I felt I didn't have a tool, and that I was walking into counseling these last few times, feeling like I was running blind. I think that Tricia has felt the same too.
Running blind isn't a bad thing because it makes you rely on God. However it is really hard at times when you know you only have a limited time with someone and then end up really only getting to some of the "meat" of what's going on at the very end of that hour.
I am continuing to pray for God's wisdom and guidance.
I want the healing, but at the same time, I am afraid of it.
But I know that God is faithful, and because I have gone through facing tough stuff before, I proceed with more hope than I did before, because I have experienced the freedom of healing.
I feel the depression sneaking back in again, and I am trying to fight it. I have been extremely busy with work, so that has helped distract me, but every time I go into the weekend, I find myself crashing. Please pray for me as I go into the next few weeks here, hormonal issues could become a problem again, right at the point where I will be needing to hit tough stuff.
I hate the constant struggle, but this morning as I am able to think rather clearly, I know that struggle is worth it all because it draws me closer to my Jesus.
May I remember that in the days to come, and come back and read these words again as a reminder to myself that God is faithful.