Thursday, September 30, 2010

Yelling and alone

I found myself yelling at God this morning.

Ok, well, I still am yelling, I think, but it's not as out loud as it was in the car.

"I don't want to be alone anymore!"

It seems that as things have gotten harder this year, as things have come up that I need to deal with, as deeper hurts are exposed, things have been changing. 

Humans, as a rule, usually don't like change, aren't a fan of it.  I am no exception to that.  The changes have been from our small group disbanding, to my kids both being in school, to my working through the summer.  Each involve a gain in some way or another, but all involve loss too - and the grieving of it.

I have had God show me some things in my life, using the mirror of His Word and Truth that needed to be gotten rid of.  He has shown me other things about myself that need deeper healing than I have had before in these same areas. 

And I hurt.
And I have been crying.
And shutting down some too.

I don't like this.  I hate this.  In the midst of it all, in the midst of the changes, I find myself without the people around me that I would readily turn to for help, support, wisdom.  Not that we aren't still friends and family, but that our lives are full to the brim, and things seem to keep on getting in the way.

I tried to talk to 2 friends today, but they were distracted with other things and couldn't talk.  I tried to get together with another but she had a schedule conflict that came up, so we had to reschedule for tomorrow.  Two other friends had other things that were going on and had to leave before I could get a hug.

It's all little "piddly" stuff, but at the same time, at the painful place I am in at the moment, it was really hard to deal with.  So I yelled at God.  It didn't make me feel any better though.

Everything - absolutely everything - seems to be getting pulled away from me.  Everyone.

I did get the chance to connect with one friend, but only briefly as she had other things that she had to get to, but she was able to give me 10 minutes on the phone.  It was good.  It was better than nothing.  My conversation with her, of which I can remember very little at the moment, helped me.  Oh, and made me cry all the harder.

We got off the phone and I headed home, where in about a half hour I will have to pick up my daughter from school and then my son.  But I have some peace and quiet here, which is good.  But I am alone.  Sometimes I long for times like this.  I ache to have no demands on me for a period of time.

But today, all I want is a hug.  I know that God is with me.  But right now, I want a hug from someone "real."  I guess I want that physical contact and a shoulder to cry on.

My counselor asked me yesterday, after I shared some things with her, "So, what do you want to do with this?  What do you want to do now?"

I said, "Tricia, I don't even know."

It was quiet for a few moments.  Then she asked me what I was thinking.  By that point, all I could feel was this weight settling in to stay for a while, and I couldn't find the words to tell her even that.  I felt afraid, and didn't know how to tell her that either. 

I did tell her that I would probably be able to answer her question once I got in the car and started driving home.  It wasn't quite accurate.  It took sitting down here at the computer to get it out.

Again, I know God is in all this, but I feel dreadfully exposed and vulnerable.  I gave God permission to do heart surgery, and laid myself out, submitting fully to Him.  He has wasted no time, using things I never expected to pull at me and tear at my heart so I can see where there is more junk to be taken out and cleaned up.

In the process, I feel isolated and alone.  I feel like there is no one to turn to and no help in sight.  I know that this is a faith walk, not a "sight" walk.  But the knowledge in my head isn't helping this raw, aching heart.

I know that God wants me to cling ever harder to Him.  I know He is using this Breaking Free bible study mightily in my life, if not everyone else's.  He's orchestrated this all to coincide in my life for a reason.

But again....

I don't want to be alone!

Maybe I will finally sense His presence here, and continue to submit, rather than curl up around my hurts and try to fix them myself.  In reality, there is no fixing them.  Only God can heal them.  If I will let Him close enough to touch them.

1 comment:

Clay Feet said...

Funny how we wish for alone time and then hate being alone. But I think its good to express honestly how we perceive things to God. But its also very important to let Him express His response too. Sometimes when He tries to get us alone and quiet so we can really hear what He is trying to say we kick and scream so much He can't be heard.
You're right, change is painful. But the pain comes from our clinging to the familiar and our resistance. God can teach us how to let go of resistance so that the pain can be reduced. Then it is up to our power of choice how much of that kind of pain we want to endure.
Sorry, hope I'm not expostulating nonsense. I go through the same painful kind of things on a regular basis myself.