An important question...

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
And through the rivers,
they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire,
you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43:2-3a

This is the verse that I am going to hang my hat on for the next 2 weeks or so. It is my Scripture Memory Verse for October 15th.

I need to hang onto something.

The emotions are still up and down.
But I know that my God is worth hanging onto.
His truth, His Word is the light on my path.

He is my Savior.

He has led me through so much. He has brought me through the waters and the fire. He has brought me out of those things. No I wasn't consumed. The waters cleansed me. The fire purified me.

Again and again, God is going to use the painful things in our lives to stretch us and grow us.

This is probably another time such as that. I am working on a new schedule with my family. I am working out new responsibilities with a new job. I am working on trying to grow closer to God, to grow and mature in my relationship with Him.

However, I am realizing, as I am writing this, that I am making it all about me. My trying. Not God doing and me "being." As Cindy says, we are human "beings" not human "doings."

I am going to go have something little to eat, continue with the laundry, and in the middle of that, spend some time sitting in Jesus' lap.

Cindy asked me a question yesterday, that she was asked by her life coach, and she wanted me to think on it and answer it before we get together again for our life coaching.

The question.

What do you long for in your relationship with God?

It is one I am going to be working on and thinking about for a bit.

Anyone else want to share with me what your answer to that question it? I would love to hear. What better way to encourage each other in our walks, that to know, and to have others know what it is we long for in our relationship with God, and to hear each others' longings as well.

She Listens and She Eats... She Speaks Part 2

The air was electric, and the sense of the Holy Spirit settling on this place was palpable...

Katie and I walked into the main banquet hall and found a table with room for the two of us to sit. It wasn't long before Cheri Keaggy was leading us in some songs and worship. Then the P31 team came in dancing to "We are family." They were so funny!

It was really awesome to see them all come in together. They all got up front and Lysa introduced them all to us and shared how much it meant to be working with all of them and to be truly family.

I remember sitting and listening to Lysa talk that night about "Finding your own remarkABLE."

You will have to remember that I was running on little to no sleep. I had been up since about 3:30am. It was a long day already and after dinner I still had a break out session and my evaluation group!

Some of the things that jumped out at me was one part where she asked what blocked our personal revival. Eventually my mind connected that with a statement she said about what do I think about more than Jesus? She brought up the verse in Jonah 2:8 that my friend Cindy has commented to me several times. (Ok, more than several times... it seems to be a theme lately)

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."
Jonah 2:8

So what is the thing that I think about more than Jesus? What is the thing that is holding me back from following Him with all of my heart? What about me is like the rich young ruler.
Wanting to follow Jesus, wondering what I still lack, and then when I hear it, am I willing to make the changes necessary to give up what I value above HIM?

I am still thinking about what it is that I value above my Jesus.

I am not 100% sure yet.

It could be my comfortable life.
My comfortable home.
My comfortable family.
My comfortable routine.

Hmm... my comfort?
Isn't Jesus all about us getting out of our comfort zones and jumping out of the boat to walk on the water with Him?

The other thought from her talk was summed up this way.

What are the things that we all go around saying, "I have to..."

I have to make supper for the kids.
I have to clean the bathroom.
I have to get groceries.
I have to go to church.
I have to spend time with God.
I have to go to work.

When you start saying those things with the "I have to" phrase, don't you start resenting those things you "have to" do?

I start thinking about all the things that make demands on my time, and wonder if any of it is really worth it.

Lysa challenged us to change how we said those statements. To think about those things we "have to" do with thankfulness.

I am able to make supper for the kids.
I am able to clean the bathroom.
I am able to get groceries.
I am able to go to church.
I am able to spend time with God.
I am able to go to work.

Doesn't that change how you look at those things? It sure does for me. Suddenly it makes me aware of how blessed I am to have these different things to do, and how blessed I am to have the health, capability, and opportunity to do these things.

I want to re-write the script in my mind that I don't "have to" follow after God, but I am "able to" follow after Him.

What a powerful way to open the conference.

Following that, we had our dinner. I must say the food was excellent all weekend. I never felt hungry.

But that night, the more I ate, the worse I felt. I started feeling light headed. I could feel my stomach getting sick. My tiredness, exhaustion really, was catching up with me. So was my anxiety about the evening and my first talk I had to give.

The longer I had to sit around that table, the worse I felt. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I spoke to Katie, and excused myself from the table....

(to be continued)

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 7

Welcome to our "Yes to God" study hosted by Lelia. Please join us... read along with us... comment freely~

Chapter 7: What's the Worst that Could Happen?

For me, that is a hard question to answer. There are fears that are preying on my mind. I always have them, but there are times when I am able to push them away or drown them out.

The past few years I have fought fears.
Fears of failure.
Fears of the past.
Fears of the future.

Fears.
Tons of them.

I know that many of them were played up by the enemy as well, because come on. Would he really want to see a child of God succeed, and grow and be productive in the Kingdom?

I like Micca's point that the very worst thing that could happen to anyone is to not know Jesus, and be eternally separated from Him.

I am so grateful to be His child. I can call Him "Abba, Father" because I have been given the spirit of adoption. He is my Father. I am His child. There is no comfort on earth better than that.

When I can boil it all down to that, my fears do seem to melt away.

But, as I live and breathe, things crowd in and take over, and life happens, distractions come. I lose my focus. It gets foggy. It gets muddy. Suddenly I feel like I am living under this huge weight.

It's a weight today, that only briefly, as I distracted myself by window shopping with my son, lifted.

It was a warm day, sunny for the most part, and we had a mommy and son day, doing some of our favorite things.

It was nice. It was really very fun.

I came home and reality crashed in.

Now my stomach is in knots again.

I am coming down a bit from the emotional high I was on from last week. That isn't what is causing the knots though. I would say that I am at a "lower emotional level" (like that dancing with words?).

Its some other circumstances... that frankly, I am not helping right now. My hubby wants me to get a job. I haven't yet. I should. We will be extremely lucky if we don't get overdrawn before the next check comes in. Literally. And it comes in on Thursday. You know the check that will over draw us? Our tithe check. If it gets deposited tomorrow.

Yes.
Our. Tithe. Check.

i feel pretty small right about now....

And I am trying to figure out how the heck to get even $10 into the bank before the check gets deposited by the church.

Ugh.

And so I am wide awake. Exhausted. A headache. A knot in my stomach. A sore back. And I feel like I could throw up.

Then I read this:
"Christ's provision goes far beyond heaven and earth. When you and I face the unknown, God is there, leading the way through our unknown territory until we are safe on the other side."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I know His history with me.
He has made that above statement a true one.
I can wholeheartedly agree with it...
concerning my past.

Intellectually, I can agree with it concerning my future.

But my heart?

Humpf.

My heart isn't having any of it...
which is why I still feel like throwing up.

My head keeps telling me I was dumb to put that tithe check in the offering plate this Sunday because I knew how close we were running this week to hitting "red." But I heard this little voice say, "Trust Me." So, with a deep breath I put it in, and let it go.

Then proceeded to use my credit card when I needed, or wanted, to buy something this week. So, where is the trust in that???????

Yeah, I took it into my own hands immediately that afternoon. When I went to the store to get some things we didn't need. Things I wanted.

So... should I really try to scrape up $10 to save us a $30 fee, or do I take my punishment for not being a good steward? It's one check. One item that will overdraw us. We won't spend anything till his check clears our account on Thursday... but I am not even going to want to look at the account on line... especially when it comes time to pay some bills.

Ok... so I don't know if this post had anything to do with this weeks chapter, or if I am just venting. But I look at the question, and apply it to my life... what's the worst that could happen?

I say to myself, and to others... well, we could lose everything, but we won't lose his job, because its a stable profession (at least right now they aren't firing nurses in our area!). We can always move in with his folks at the farm, and no one will let us starve to death....

But, inside I quiver when I say that, and pray that God won't make it come to that. But He just might. To get my attention. I can't blame it on my hubby's lack of money management skills. I can't blame it on mine. It's deeper than that. It's a control issue. It's a heart issue. It's a greed issue. It's a "I want it all and I want it now" issue. It's an issue of not being able to really take hold of and apply the delayed gratification principle.

It's an issue of trust. Letting go of the things that I think I need. The things I think I want. The things that I try to fill my emptiness with.

I try to go "cold turkey" and really clamp down on my spending. I may not be able to control anyone else's spending, but I can control mine. So... nada... nothing. Be careful. Get only the milk needed and not one extra thing more....
Then slowly I loosen things up a bit... without really realizing it, and suddenly I have my credit card out all the time, the bills go up, my "appetites" go up, and my control goes down. I justify it by telling myself I don't go out and spend it all on clothes, though I would love to go get some clothes that fit me, and stop trying to patch the jeans I have to make them work. Instead, I go out an I spend on coffee, food, extras at the grocery store, books... (oh, that's a bad one...) taking my son out to eat (twice) today rather than packing a lunch and being home in time for dinner.
and I am back in the hole... financially, spiritually, emotionally... fearful and stressed... and knowing that God has better for me, but no idea of how to get there.

I need to let God fill me. Let God show me the things I really need. Again. Show me the things that I really want. Again.

Part of my memory verse this time is from Psalm 86:11-13
Verse 11:
"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

I need an undivided heart... one wholly devoted to Him, to His truth, and His way. I need to fear Him more than fearing our financial situation (than fearing how I handle our financial situation... clamping down or burying my head...). I need to fear God above all else. A holy fear.

If I would finally give in and fear Him and Him alone, maybe I could stop striving for things to fill me up and make me feel better. Maybe I would finally be able to rest. If I fear Him, I sure wouldn't have time to fear anything else!

I want to stand firm on Him. I want to stand firm on His grace. I want to stand firm, knowing the Holy Spirit guides me... in Faith not Fear!

"In times of trouble, whether it's in our family, workplace, community, church, or world, we have to get understanding from the Holy Spirit, who leads us in all truth and supplies supernatural strength to endure until the end by faith, not fear."

Please pray friends that I would let God have control of this area in my life and heart, that currently has control of me. There is a part of me - surprise - that just isn't surrendered to Him. Honestly, I really AM afraid of what it will take to get me to the point of letting it go. It seems the times I have tried in the past, in response to the promptings of the Spirit, well, I just keep taking it back. Maybe it's come in stages, a bit at a time, as I have been willing to surrender it.... but I see my spending habits, and attitudes about money reflected back at me, in my 5 yr old (a wonderful 5 yr old mirror), and I don't like it.

Micca said:
"If you are full of worry, then it may be that you have not fully given every area of your life over to God."

I agree with that... but I also know that I made conscious decisions today that caused me to spend more than I needed to.... probably that $30 overdraft charge I am going to have... on credit. And I consciously squelched the Spirit, and said I am going to do it when I want, and how I want.... I "deserve" it. HA!

There is no graceful way to end this post. So I am just going to publish this. But know my heart is cringing right now... just because it hates being this exposed. This hits a bit too close to home to be comfortable.
I suppose playing it safe, and coming up with generic comments about the chapter would be more comfortable. But it wouldn't be honest. It would be lying. It would be saying that everything is swell, when it isn't.

How could I really say that I am actually ON the road and really WALKING with Jesus if I didn't show the pot holes, washouts and rock falls along the way...

It's raw (as my heart and stomach... oh, does it feel icky right now... can attest to) but it's real.
No apologies for that... but praying I didn't over step bounds, or this post will be gone and maybe not re-written... just so I don't get tempted to lie!

Comfort and Joy and Promises... Advent of Joy #20

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
1 Peter 1:8-9

Oh I read these verses today and just didn’t know. I wasn’t sure where that inexpressible joy was, but I didn’t feel it. At all. I mean I know I can believe Him and trust Him to have my best at heart. But last night I went to bed mad. Frustrated with some circumstances in my life that really had me upset.

One of the things is that I get so frustrated the last few days before Christmas. For once, one year, I would love to enter into the last few days before Christmas, and be able to actually relax and enjoy the season and the anticipation. I want to be able to show my kids the real reason we are celebrating. I want to be able to enter into mine and my son’s birthday (tomorrow) and relax and enjoy the celebration. Instead, today again I am stressed out and frustrated and wondering how in the world we are going to be ready in time to head to my parents on Christmas Eve.

Juggling my husband’s work schedule around family celebrations is so hard. We have no idea from year to year how we are going to meet both of our families requests to be together.
All these little things just added up… and I managed to forget about joy… and His comfort.
I have not seen Jesus physically… and though my love for Him didn’t disappear, I sure haven’t been feeling it. And I though I know that He will bless and give good gifts, in my heart I wasn’t believing it.

But this morning I was reminded that the true gift I have been given isn’t anything physical. It isn’t anything that my husband or kids or family can do for me. The true gift of Christmas is the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul. That fills me with inexpressible joy. I may not always “feel” that joy. But it really is there.

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant”
Psalm 119:76

Again He comforts me.

Comfort and joy instead of sorrow and frustration and anger.
That is His promise.

He surprised me this morning with an opportunity to get away and get some last minute shopping done. With an early birthday present from my mother-in-law of a gift card to a store that has a 50 % off sale on everything in their store. A blessing for me to get some of the things that I have wanted and needed.

Last night I was so out of sorts that I just wasn’t finding joy in anything. My body is fighting off a cold and I know that my stress level isn’t helping that any. I was to the point of not liking a Birthday present from God Himself.

You might ask what that was?
Even Dave commented that this was the first time he had seen this in me.

Snow.

I know. It seems so simple and silly…. and crazy to some of you who don’t like it.
But as soon as I see snowflakes, I get excited. I want to get out and drive in it. I want to go out and shovel and play in it. Seriously.

And last night when I saw that we were going to get more snow tonight, and tomorrow. I didn’t get excited. That’s when I knew I wasn’t drawing any joy from anything. I just went to bed. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t read. I cried myself to sleep, and had a horrible attitude.

Psalm 42:5 and 8 say:
“Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”
“By day the Lord directs His love,
at night His song is with me -
A prayer to the God of my life.”

He was sure doing a lot of singing over me last night. Because this morning I woke with a new attitude. I still feel like I am battling a cold, but I am looking forward to the snow. I am looking forward to celebrating my birthday with my son.

My God promises to give me comfort and joy… His unfailing love is my comfort… He delights to bring me joy, even in the small things…

My God keeps His promises…

of provision,
of comfort,
of joy,

of His presence with me all the time.

God of comfort... Advent of Joy #19

OK, so today has been a hard day. It has been hard for me to even think about writing my advent post. (Sorry it is running so late today) I felt dry, and without any thoughts or words or any outlook on Joy.

Honestly I am struggling with trusting God, and I have been holding out on Him, and that hasn’t made me feel very joyful.

I have needed to re-read the posts I wrote the last few days. For me. I wrote them for me, but I kinda forgot them.

Then I remembered a post I read last night. A friend, at Maiden, Bringer of Peace, wrote a wonderful post about joy. I could practically copy and paste all she wrote right here. But please go visit her post. It was very powerful, especially this quote.

“Real JOY is not based on outward circumstances. God’s kind of joy is knowing - experiencing, accepting - that God loves us, we are special to Him, we are the ‘apple of His eye’, He loves to have us talk to Him and even just to come into His presence.”
(By Maiden, Bringer of Peace in her post “Cause of an Epidemic” on 12-18-08)

I just needed reminding of that. That’s a bit of what I did today. I sat at the coffee shop and found I couldn’t focus on bible reading, or any reading for that matter. I couldn’t even journal. It wasn’t until after I had eaten and moved to a more secluded spot, and started listening to some praise music, that I was even able to relax. I sat and cried, prayed, journaled some, and just felt like God was right there listening to me.

In the process, I came across the following scripture in my search for a different one.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I wrote something in my journal, to the effect of,
“God do you still give comfort to someone who isn’t quite right with You? To someone who is holding out on You, and knows it? To someone who has every intention of probably holding out on You for a while longer?“

To answer my own question… I think maybe He does… even when we are willful. He knows our motivations and our heart. He knows the depths of our hearts and yet still loves us the same.
So, comfort? In all my troubles?

Yes. At least, I sure hope so.

If the answer to my question is yes, that can give me joy to know that He will comfort me, no matter what and will still hold me in His arms.

He has given me little blessings all day. A gift in the mail, a couple of cards that I am treasuring from a friend for a quiet moment… an early birthday gift from my mother-in-law, so that I can use part of it before the end of the weekend…

Is that His comfort?

I got a huge hug from my little girl when I got home. She came running down the stairs to find me. We wrestled and tickled and had a wonderful bit of mommy and daughter time. Now she is playing quietly around me, just happy to be near me.

Is that His comfort?

I was able to sit in Beatitudes and relax, and soak in Jesus’ presence. I was able to take some time out to rest and relax. I didn’t have to to worry about anyone or anything. I was able to go somewhere I knew was a safe place for me.

Is that His comfort?

I would say that all that is part of God’s working in my life to give me comfort.
To know that He is giving me comfort, in the midst of things that trouble me or are causing me anxiety, makes me feel better. Even if I am disappointed by some things right now, I know that He still desires to help me. I am still the apple of His eye… and only from Him comes real joy.

I need to set aside the disappointment.
I need to set aside the anxieties and troubles.
I just need to set it all down.

Instead I need to accept His comfort and peace and joy.

Oh Lord, May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant (Psalm 119:76). Your promises are true and right. I know that you have said over and over that you will wipe away my mourning, and turn it into joy. You have given me so many things. In so many ways you have comforted me this past year. I know that you love me. I know that your love can be my comfort. Because your love never fails. Others that I love may disappoint me and fail me. I will fail them as well. But I trust in you to never fail me. You say that your love is unfailing. I choose to believe that and rest in your love tonight. Your love will be my comfort and your word a delight to my soul. Help me to share the comfort I am receiving from you with others around me. I love you, Lord. Thank you for showing me your comfort through your love shown by the sacrifice of your Son. Amen.