It seems it is all about choices we make.
Who do we choose?
What do we choose to do?
There are so many decisions that seem so necessary.
How are we going to handle that?
What is going to be our next move, response, word?
Right now, I am faced with choices and decisions.
I am trying to figure out what is this depression that I find myself struggling with on more than a once a week basis.
Is it seasonal?
Is it hormonal?
Is it chemical?
Is it a stronghold or lie?
If it is any or all of the above, what am I going to do about it?
As stress is building up in my job right now, the depression is something that I really need to keep tabs on.
I remember when I first started seeing my psychiatrist over 2 years ago, he asked me to stop rating my depression on a scale of 1-10. He wanted me to stop focusing on that totally. He wanted me to start focusing on how many "joy" moments I had during the day.
He said we would know when the depression was lifting, and the medication was working for me, when I was at the point where I had the "number" or "level" of joy moments in my daily life that I wanted.
I stopped keeping track, because it was hard to keep a "chart" and because it got to the point where, though things were tough, and there were some days I really had to look for the joy moments to keep going... most of the time, I really had quite a few.
Right now, the stress of my job could be the thing that's taking such a toll on me emotionally. I just am in a stretch of really stressful weeks. By the end of this weekend, I will be done with one part.
But then, I will be preparing for a women's retreat that I am part of the planning committee... and that comes at the beginning of February.
So, part of the depression could be a reaction to the stress I am under.
But I find that I am having to look hard for, and remind myself of, the "joy moments" more and more.
It keeps coming down to choices and decisions I am having to make.
Am I going to try to fit in more things to my already crushed schedule?
Am I going to make healthy choices in the amount and quality of food and sleep I am getting?
Am I going to do the easiest thing, even if it isn't the best thing?
Am I going to try to fight the lies and strongholds, even when I am exhausted?
Will I choose to do what God is calling me to do, or am I going to succumb and knuckle under and give up in defeat.... when the victory is already mine in Christ?
I think we all face these choices. Yearly, monthly, weekly, daily... hourly.....
We face choices.
We make decisions.
We can't "not" make choices and decisions. By not making a choice or decision, we are letting someone else decide for us, and by default we are choosing something.
I don't want to make a decision, by not making a decision about what to do.
I see my psychiatrist in about 2 weeks. I can ask him then what his recommendation would be. I have been doing really pretty well up until about the last month or so. But who knows, maybe my body is still adjusting to not being on an anti-depressant. I don't know. He can only guess.
I guess all of this is to say, we are all facing our own choices, decisions and struggles. Mine is depression, and how to handle it in a safe way.
I know some of my warning signs.
I know too that God is working on me in some areas as I wrote about previously... and further just through this past Sunday at church.
I also know that the enemy knows my weaknesses. He would love to prevent me from being able to minister encouragement to others this weekend during our church celebration. He would love to keep me from being able to serve and minister at the women's retreat. He would love to stress me out, hype me up, and get me to worry myself into panic attacks.
Please pray for me, because I KNOW that God has make me for more than this. I am the apple of His eye and so are you.
Pray that you and I would stand up and make the right choices and decisions... beginning with one declaration.
"Get behind me Satan."
And moving forward from there. Towards God. Towards peace. Into the loving arms of our Savior, safe and sound. The best decision we could ever make.